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Okay. So, when you're done with your
tea, I'll look at the leaves and tell
you your fortune.
>> I didn't know you read tea leaves.
>> Oh, yeah. I've done it for years. I
actually stopped because I was so
accurate, you know, and and you know,
one of the great joys of life is it's
its wondrous unpredictability, you know,
and also tea tends to give me the trots.
>> Okay, I'm done. Read mine.
>> Okay. Ooh, I see a ladder,
which can mean either a promotion or a
violent death.
I I'm the head chef. I I can't get
promoted.
>> Mhm. Mhm. Who's next?
>> Okay, I'm done. Do mine.
>> Okay. Um Oh, okay. I see a circle. Oh.
>> Oh. which can either mean you're having
a baby or you're going to make a
scientific discovery.
>> Well, I have been spending a lot of time
in the lab.
>> What does yours say, peeps?
>> Um, wow. All right.
Wow. Yay.
Oh, I'm going to meet a guy and really
soon. And he's going to be the man of my
dreams.
Probably not the guy I had a dream about
last night.
Oh, wait a second, you guys.
For the last couple of weeks, I've been
seeing that guy everywhere I go. We take
the same bus. We go to the same
bookstore, same dry cleaner. Maybe he's
the tea guy.
>> Did you see that? He totally checked you
out and he is so cute.
>> Mine is a picture of the village people.
What does that mean?
Oh, hello.
>> Oh, it's you. I see you everywhere.
>> I'm Jim. Jim Nelson.
>> Oh, Jim. Jim Nelson. I'm Phoebe Phoebe
Buffet.
>> Certainly have been seeing a lot of each
other lately.
>> We have. Maybe we'll be seeing each
other at dinner tomorrow night. Say
around 8:00.
>> Well, maybe we will.
Oh,
isn't it funny how we kept running into
each other? It's as if someone really
wants us to be together.
>> Someone does. Me.
>> O, witty banter. Well done.
>> Good.
>> So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
>> Oh, okay. Well, I'm a masseuse and I
used to work at this place.
>> Do you like to party?
>> I I I like I like parties.
>> You're wild, aren't you?
Yeah, I guess a little.
>> That ain't no thing. I'm wild, too.
>> So, um, anyway,
I I I've lived in New York somewhat
wildly, I guess, for um well, since I
was 14.
>> I'm sorry I'm staring.
>> It's just that you have the most
beautiful eyes.
>> Oh, stop it. and your breasts.
>> Okay,
look, you're coming on a little strong,
but I'm going to give you the benefit of
the doubt because seems the universe
really wants us to be together. So, why
don't we just start over, okay? And you
can just tell me about yourself.
>> All right.
>> Okay.
>> I write erotic novels for children.
What?
>> They're wildly unpopular.
>> My god.
>> Oh, also you might be interested to know
that I have a PhD.
>> Wow, you do?
>> Yep. Uh, pretty huge.
>> I'm here ready to play.
>> Okay.
>> I brought a bunch of stuff for the
house. So, check it out.
>> What's this?
>> That's a dog. Every house should have a
dog.
Not one that can pee on the roof.
>> Maybe it's so big because the house was
built on radioactive waste.
>> And is this in case the house sneezes?
>> No. No. That's the ghost for the attic.
>> I don't want a ghost.
>> Well, nobody wants a ghost.
But you've got one because the house is
sitting on an ancient Indian burial
ground.
>> Wait a minute. The house was built on
radioactive waste and an ancient Indian
burial ground.
That would never happen.
>> What can I do for you, my dear?
>> Oh, okay. I don't know how to say this,
but um I think when your wife's spirit
left her body, it um kind of stuck
around in me.
You're saying my wife is in you?
>> Yeah. Okay. You don't have to believe
me, but um can you think of any
unfinished business she might have had?
Like any reason she'd be hanging around?
>> Well, I don't know what to tell you,
dear. The only thing I could think of is
that she always used to say that before
she died, she wanted to see everything.
>> Everything?
>> Everything.
>> Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.
>> Oh, wait. I I I remember she also said
she wanted to sleep with me one last
time.
>> I'm sorry. There's laughing in my head.
>> Worth a shot, huh?
>> Hi.
>> Hi.
>> Hey.
>> Oh, what's the matter?
>> Well,
you know that psychic I see?
>> Yeah. Well, she told me that I'm going
to die this week, so I'm kind of bummed
about that.
>> What?
>> Yeah. And I know you guys don't know a
lot about psychic readings, but that one
is pretty much the worst one you can
get.
>> That's crazy.
>> I can't believe she would say that to
you.
>> Yeah, honey. You don't believe her, do
you? I don't. She, you know, said that
I'd have triplets, but she also said one
of them would be black.
>> Just out of curiosity, did she tell you
how you're going to go? No, cuz she
didn't tell me I was going to die till
the very end of the session. And I was
not going to waste a whole other hour
there. I mean, I've only got a week
left, you know? I've really got to start
living now.
>> Hey. Hey, Feeps. You're still alive.
>> How are you feeling? Oh, it's so
exhausting waiting for death.
Oh, by the way, do you think you
>> thieves? What are you doing?
>> I was preparing you for my dead. Didn't
you think I was dead? Did that not come
off?
>> Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of me. I
thought we'd lost you forever.
Babe, do you want to lie down?
>> Yeah. Thanks. And listen, can you do me
a favor? Could you just um wake me up in
a couple hours? You know, if you can.
Hey. Hey. Listen to this.
My reading was wrong. I'm not going to
die.
>> Really? How do you know?
>> Because my psychic is dead.
She must have read the cards wrong.
>> Oh, I'm sorry. Ah, better her than me.
>> Hey, let's bake cookies.
>> You know my friend Abby who shaves her
head?
She says that if you want to break the
bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a
cleansing ritual.
>> Fibs, this woman is voluntarily bold.
>> Yeah.
So, we can do it tomorrow night, you
guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's
perfect. Okay. Well, what kind of
ritual? Okay. We can um we can burn the
stuff they gave us
>> or
or or
>> or we can chant and dance around naked,
you know, with sticks.
>> Burning's good.
>> Burning's good. Yeah, I didn't burn.
Okay, so now we need um sage branches
and the sacramental wine.
>> All I had is is oregano and a fresca.
>> Um
>> that's okay.
>> Okay.
Okay.
All right. Now, we need the semen of a
righteous man.
Okay, Febs. You know what? If we had
that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in
the first place.
We just start throwing things in. Um,
yeah. Okay. Oh, okay. Um,
okay. Barry's letters.
Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.
>> And I have the receipt for my dinner
with Noulu.
>> And look, there's a picture of Scotty
Jared naked.
>> Oh, let me see.
>> Hey, he's wearing a sweater.
>> No.
>> E.
OKAY. And here we have the last of
Paulo's graa.
>> Wait, wait, Rachel, ISN'T THAT ALMOST
PURE?
OH MY GOD. NO. SHOOT, KITTY. NO. NO. NO.
NO. SHOOT. Come on. You. Come on. Crazy.
Oh my god.
>> What? Nothing. Nothing.
>> What? What's wrong?
>> I just
I just have this really strong feeling
that this cat is my mother.
You mean the mom you met in Monttok? She
was a cat.
>> No, no, no. She was a human lady. This
is the spirit of my mom, Lily. The one
that killed herself.
>> Are you sure she's in the cat or have
you been taking your grandma's glaucoma
medicine again?
>> No, Dr. Skeptismo.
I'm sure. First of all, okay, there's
the feeling.
Okay. And for another, how about the
fact that she went into my guitar case,
which is lined with orange felt.
My mother's favorite fish was orange
ruffy.
Cats like fish.
Hi, Mommy.
Oh, I haven't seen this smile in 17
years.
Dude, Phoe's mom's got a huge pill.
>> Let it go.
>> No, thieves.
>> Who else wants one of my special
homemade brownies?
>> I will have one.
>> Yeah, I'm not going to have one of
those.
>> No, no, it's just my tooth.
>> I'll have one.
>> So, what's the matter? You need a
dentist? I've got a good one.
>> Thanks. I have a good one, too. I just I
I I can't see him. See, that is the
problem with invisible dentists.
>> Why? Why can't you go to them?
>> Because
every time I go to the dentist, somebody
dies.
>> That is so weird. Because every time I
go to the dentist, I look down the
hygienist blouse.
>> Phoebe, what? Um
what?
>> Yeah. Yeah. First, it was my aunt Mary.
And then there was um John, my mailman.
And then my my cowboy friend, Albino
Bob.
>> And all of these people actually died.
>> Yes. While I was in the chair. That's
why I take such good care of my teeth
now. You know, it's not about oral
hygiene. I floss to save lives.
>> Fees. Come on. You didn't kill anybody.
These people just happened to die when
you went to the dentist. It's It's just
a coincidence.
>> Well, tell that to them. Oh, you can't.
They're dead.
>> There's nothing to tell. It's just some
guy I work with.
>> Come on. You're going out with the guy.
There's got to be something wrong with
him.
>> So, does he have a hump? A hump? And a
hairpiece?
>> Wait, does he eat chalk?
>> Just cuz I don't want her to go through
what I went through with Carl. Um,
>> okay, everybody relax. This is not even
a date. It's just two people going out
to dinner and not having sex.
>> Sounds like a date to me.
Carol moved her stuff out today.
>> Let me get you some coffee.
>> Thanks.
>> No. Oh, no. No. Don't stop cleansing my
aura.
>> Don't just leave my aura alone. Okay.
>> I'll be fine. All right. Really,
everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
>> No, you don't.
>> No, I don't. To hell with her. She left
me.
>> Bye-bye.
I just got us reservations at Michelle's
and tickets to the music man to
celebrate our first holiday season as a
betrothed couple.
>> Betrod
couple.
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Oh,
babes
skull.
>> Oh yeah, IT'S MY MOM'S.
>> OH MY GOD.
>> NO, NO, NO. It's not It's not my mom. It
belonged to my mom.
>> Yeah. Though she used to put it out
every Christmas to remind us that even
though it's Christmas, people still die
>> and you can put candy in it.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. Hey. Licorice.
>> Sure.
>> Hey. I just found out I get Ben for the
holidays this year.
>> Oh, that's great.
>> Are you going to dress up as Santa?
>> Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every
year, but I think I want to take this
year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
>> And maybe I could teach Ben about the
Christmas skull and how people die.
>> You may need to use this year to teach
Ben about Phoebe.
>> This place is so depressing. If I had to
work here, I'd kill myself.
>> You obviously haven't.
>> How can I help you? Um, I need to change
my name, please. See, I need to change
it because I'm I'm hiding from the law.
>> You're fun.
>> Need to fill out this form.
>> Okay. Well, I just So, I know. I don't
know how it works exactly. See, my name
is um Buffet and my husband's name is
Hanigan. So, is it supposed to be Buffet
Hanigan or Hanigan Buffet?
>> It can be anything you want.
>> Well, not anything.
>> Yeah, anything.
>> Oh, this could take a while.
Get out of my line.
>> Okay.
>> Hey. Hey, thieves. Oh, not anymore. I
changed it today.
>> Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hanigan.
>> Wrong again.
Apparently, you can change it to
anything you want. So, I thought, all
right, here's an opportunity to be
creative. So, meet Princess Consuela
Banana Hammock.
That's what we were going to name the
baby.
>> Phoei.
>> Uh, Princess Consuela.
>> You seriously changed your name to that?
>> Uhhuh.
>> Okay. So, from now on, we have to call
you Princess Consuela.
>> Uh, no. I I'm going to have my friends
call me Valerie.
>> Hey, welcome back.
>> I missed you. Oh, me too.
>> So, what's new?
>> Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffet.
>> That's great. You changed your name?
>> Yes, I did. Meet Princess Consuela
Banana Hammock.
>> You're kidding, right?
>> Nope.
>> You really did that?
>> Yep.
>> You can't do that.
>> Why? Why? It's fun. It's different. No
one else has a name like it.
>> All right, then. I'm going to change my
name.
>> Great. Okay. Hey, what are you going to
change it to?
>> Crap bag.
>> Mike crap bag?
>> No. No, Mike. No, just just crap bag.
First name crap, last name bag.
>> You're not serious, right?
>> Yeah, I'm serious. It's fun. It's
different. No one else has a name like
that.
>> Mhm. Mhm. Well, then great. If you love
it, I love it.
>> I do love it. And I love your name. I
love Princess Consuela.
>> And I love crap.
After you, Miss Banana Hammock.
>> Thank you, Mr. Bag.
>> Oh, hey. How are you?
>> Good. Oh, Rita's a massage client.
>> Oh,
>> why don't you introduce me?
>> Rita, this is my husband.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> Why don't you tell her my name?
>> Okay, I will. This is um this is my
husband. Um crap bag.
crap bag.
>> If you need an easy way to remember it,
just think of a bag of crap.
>> Okay, excuse me.
>> Yeah,
>> okay, fine. You made your point. Can you
please just be Mike Hanigan again?
>> Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffet.
>> How about um how about Buffet Hanigan?
>> Really?
>> Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffet Hanigan. Banana
Hammock.
>> Do you even know what a banana hammock
is?
>> It's a funny word.
>> It's a speedo.
>> Oh crap.
>> Okay, now just remember everything I
taught you and you'll be fine. Okay,
here we go. Ready,
set.
>> Wait, this seat is really uncomfortable.
Okay, maybe before we start, we should
just get another one. Perhaps like an
airplane seat or a bean bag chair.
>> Baby, you can't get out of this. Okay,
you have to learn how to ride a bike.
>> Why? Why do I have to learn?
>> Well, in in case of an emergency?
>> What kind of emergency? Well, let what
if a man comes along and puts a gun to
your head and says, "You ride this bike
or I'll I'll shoot you."
>> Okay, I would ring the bell to distract
him and then I would knock the gun out
of his hand with a Chinese throwing
star.
>> Okay, Phoebe, just just get get on the
bike and hey, I'll hold you up and and
push you. Okay,
>> you won't let go. Let's go.
>> You swear.
>> I swear.
>> Okay.
>> Come on.
>> All right. Here we go.
>> All right.
>> All right.
>> All right. Feel good.
>> Well,
>> all right. Try pedaling. That's it.
You're doing great. You're doing great.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Take control. Yes.
>> Oh. Oh. Oh. No.
>> You score. I I just thought you were
doing so well.
>> Shocked. Shocked.
>> It's a legitimate learning technique.
Wow.
>> Oh, hello liar.
>> Look, I I'm I'm really sorry I let go of
the bike.
>> I could have been killed. I hope you
know.
I know. I know.
But can we please try it again? Huh? I
mean, you were so close, Phoebe.
>> Well, I would love to, but
the bike got stolen and the police have
no suspects.
>> Phoebe,
>> what?
>> What the hell?
All right. You know what? If you are not
going to learn how to ride this bike,
then I'm sorry. I'm just going to have
to take it back.
>> What? Why?
>> Because because it's it's
it would be like you having this guitar
and and never playing it. Okay. This
guitar wants to be played and and this
bike wants to be ridden and and if you
don't ride it, you're you
killing its spirit.
The bike
is dying.
All right, if you care enough to make up
that load of crap. Okay,
>> great. Great.
You're making the bike very happy.
>> Okay, Ross.
>> Please don't die.
>> All right. Look, I need you at the
rehearsal dinner tonight at 18800 hours.
>> Uh-huh. Okay. What time is that?
>> You don't know military time?
>> Well, I must have been in missile
training the day they taught that.
>> Just subtract 12.
>> Okay. So 1,800 - 12 is 1,788.
>> 6:00.
>> Okay. Hold on. Yeah. Geller, here.
>> No, I said it has to be there by 4:00.
Goodbye.
God, how hard is it to make an ice
sculpture?
>> Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy.
I told you I just want a simple wedding.
Please, honey, leave the details to me.
Now, I want to make this day as special
for you as I can now. Okay. I was
thinking that the harpist should wear
white. Well, harpist. My friend Marjorie
is playing the steel drums.
>> Oh, she backed out.
>> She did? Why? I made her.
Steel drums don't really say elegant
wedding. Nor does Marjgery's
overwhelming scent. Hey, she will shower
when Tibet is free.
>> That's it. I cannot make this decision.
It is too difficult. So, I am just going
to leave it entirely up to the gods of
fate.
>> A magic eightball. Oh, you can't be
serious. You can't make this decision
with a toy.
>> Oh, it's not a toy.
>> Well, I don't know what else to do. I
mean, I either keep my wife and lose one
of my my best friends or I keep my
friend and get divorced for the second
time before I'm 30. So, so if anyone
else has has a better suggestion, let's
hear it because I I got nothing. All
right? Don't be shy. Any suggestion will
do.
Okay, then.
Here we go.
Magic eightball. Should I never see
Rachel again?
Ask again later.
Later is not good enough.
Ask again later.
>> What the hell? This is broken. It is
broken.
>> Nothing. This is the 9 millionth ring
store we've been to and I can't find the
perfect ring. Ugly ring. Ugly ring. Ugly
ring.
It's a beautiful selection.
Okay. So, maybe you don't get her a
ring. Maybe you maybe you do something
different. You know, maybe you get her
an engagement bracelet, you know, or an
engagement tiara or oh, an engagement
revolutionary war musket.
>> You know, I'm so glad I picked you to
help me with this,
>> huh?
>> Can't you just imagine getting down on
one knee and handing her this gorgeous
piece of weaponry?
>> Yeah, I'm going to stick with the ring.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. What are you doing here? Well, I I
thought a lot about what you said and um
I realized all maybe I was a little
judgmental.
Yeah. Oh, but Oh,
>> now Phoebe, remember, hey, they're just
fulfilling their Christmas
>> destiny. Sure. Yes.
>> Okay.
Yikes. That one doesn't look very
fulfilled.
>> Oh, that's uh that's one of the old
ones. He's just taking it to the back.
>> You keep the old ones in the back.
That is so aegist.
>> But we have to make room for the fresh
ones.
>> So what happens to the old guys?
>> Well, they go into the chipper.
>> Well, I have a feeling that's not as
happy as it sounds.
Hey, hey, hey.
Okay. And uh this one here is a Douglas
fur. Now it's a little more money, but
you get a nicer smell.
>> Looks good. I'll take it.
>> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no,
no. You don't want that one. No, you can
have this cool brown one.
>> It It's almost dead.
>> Okay, but that's why you have to buy it.
So that it can fulfill its Christmas
destiny. Otherwise, they're going to
throw it into the chipper. Tell them,
Joey.
Yeah, the uh trees that don't fulfill
their Christmas destiny are thrown in
the chipper.
>> I I think I'm going to look around a
little bit more.
>> Peeps, you got to stop doing this. I'm
working on commission here.
>> Hey guys, I'm here to pick out my
Christmas tree.
>> Well, look no further. This one's yours.
>> Is this the one that I threw out last
year? All
right. You know what? Never mind.
EVERYBODY WANTS TO HAVE A GREEN ONE.
SORRY. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get
so emotional. I guess it's just the
holidays are just hard. Oh, honey. Is
that cuz your mom died around Christmas?
>> Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.
Oh.
>> Huh. Seeing that drunk Santa wet himself
really perked up my Christmas.
Oh my god.
>> Merry Christmas.
>> You guys.
Oh god, you're the best.
>> It's like Night of the Living Dead
Christmas tree.
>> Hello.
Yeah, this is she.
You're kidding. You're kidding. Oh,
thank you. I love you.
>> Sure. Everybody loves a kid.
>> I got the job.
>> God bless us, everyone.
>> Stop with the broom. We're not making
noise.
We won.
>> We did it.
>> Mr. Heckles.
>> How did this happen?
>> He must have been sweeping. They found a
broom in his hand.
>> Gosh,
>> that's terrible.
>> I know. I was sweeping yesterday. Could
have been me.
>> You never know.
>> Never know.
>> Okay. It's very faint, but I can still
sense him in the building.
>> Go into the light, Mr. Heckle.
>> Okay, Phoebe.
>> I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help.
>> Can I sing happy birthday to you now?
You sure?
>> Oh, all right. Happy birthday.
>> See you later.
>> Hey, Ra. Somebody got your shoes. Oh,
give me
>> Oh, these are my rat babies.
>> Yeah, we have rat babies now.
Oh, you brought rats to my birthday
party. So, this is what a stroke feels
like.
>> I had to bring them. We killed their
mother. They're our responsibility now.
You know, they require constant care.
You should know that, Rachel. You're a
mother.
>> Oh,
are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
No. Seven rats.
I think we should take them home. We
need to feed them. Why? You're going to
leave my party to take care of a box of
rats. Well,
>> I'm sorry, Rachel, but I'm not like you.
Okay. Not everyone can afford help.
>> I know what I want.
>> What we want, honey?
>> No. No. You don't want this.
>> I want to have your grandmother's cookie
recipe.
>> You mean the chocolate chip cookie
recipe?
>> Uh-huh. Yeah. You mean the one that my
grandmother made me swear on her
deathbed that I would never let out of
our family?
>> Dying people say the craziest things.
I've wanted it for years. I'm just going
to make cookies for my children.
Don't
>> break my heart. Oh, all right. Okay. I
don't have the recipe, but here. I wish
you health and happiness.
>> An old cookie.
>> This is what happens when you don't
register for gifts.
>> See, though, I I made a batch and I
froze it and this is the only one left.
>> We can't accept this. Why not?
>> Cuz it's gross.
>> No, wait. I think I can figure out the
recipe from this cookie. I do stuff like
this at work all the time.
>> Really?
>> Yeah. I think I can do it.
>> Oh, yay.
>> I I definitely taste nutmeg.
>> You do? You don't?
>> Well, it's the difference between a
professional and a layman.
>> That and arrogance.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. How was sailing?
>> I don't want to talk about it.
>> No, you could have at least saved me A
WHOLE COOKIE.
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> Women are mean.
>> Can't believe that. Now, the only thing
that's left of my grandmother's legacy
is this crumb.
I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Here's
batch 22.
Maybe these will taste like your
grandmother's. This has a little bit of
orange peel, but no nutmeg.
>> Let's give it a shot.
>> Okay. Well, I've not made this many
cookies since I was in the ninth grade.
>> What was that for? Like a bake sale?
>> No, just a Friday night.
>> These are pretty good.
>> Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
>> Which one was that?
>> The ones we had right after you almost
threw up.
Oh, yeah. Batch 17 was good. I did not
like batch 16.
I'm okay.
>> Are there any more from the good batch?
Cuz we could just work off of those.
Yeah.
>> Yeah. Well, yeah. I think there's one
from batch 17 left. Uh,
it's batch 16. 16 people, get out of the
way. That would actually make my grandma
really happy to know that we're trying
to figure out her recipe. I bet she's
looking up at us and smiling right now.
>> Looking up.
>> Oh, yeah. No, she was really nice to me,
but she's in hell for sure.
Well, I've tried everything. I give up.
I guess I'm not going to be the mom who
makes the world's best chocolate chip
cookies. I do make the best duck comfi
with broccoli rub.
Kids love that, right?
Oh,
>> Feeb, come on. Isn't there any relative
that would have the recipe? What about
What about your sister?
>> Oh, no, no, no. I made a promise to
myself that the next time I would talk
to Ursula is over my dead body.
And that's not happening till October
15th, 2032.
>> That's the day you're going to die. See?
Darn it. I've got shuffle board that
day.
That's what you think.
>> Well, I mean, what about friends of your
grandmothers? Wouldn't they have the
recipe?
>> Well, you know, I I may have relatives
in France who would know. My grandmother
said she got the recipe from her
grandmother, Nestle Tulo.
>> What was her name?
>> Nestle Tulousa.
Nestle Toll House.
You Americans always butcher the French
language.
>> Phoei, is this the recipe?
>> YES.
>> OH,
I cannot believe that I just spent the
last two days trying to figure out that
recipe and it was my cupboard the whole
time.
>> I know. You see, it is stuff like this,
WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE BURNING IT OUT.
>> THERE A TIME WHEN the brightest minds in
the world believed that the earth was
flat. And up until like what, 50 years
ago, you all thought the atom was the
smallest thing until you split it open
and this like whole mess of crap came
out?
Now, are you telling me that you are so
unbelievably arrogant that you can't
admit that there's a teeny tiny
possibility that you could be wrong
about this?
There might be
a teeny
tiny
possibility
Can't believe you caved.
>> What?
>> You just abandoned your whole belief
system.
>> I mean, before I I didn't agree with
you, but at least I respected you. But
>> no, how how are you going to go into
work tomorrow?
>> How How are you going to face the other
science guys? How How are you going to
face yourself?
That was fun. So, who's hungry?
>> Oh, hey you guys.
>> Oh, hey.
>> Hi.
>> Hey, listen. Let me ask you. Do you
believe in soulmates?
>> Oh, yes, I do. I do. I believe that
there is one perfect person out there
for everyone. And you know how you find
them? You stop looking for them. That's
why I've stopped looking for Russell
Crow.
>> He'll find me.
>> Uhhuh. And you?
>> No. I mean, I believe that certain
people are more suited for each other,
and I believe in falling in love, but
soul mates, I don't think they exist.
>> Okay, good.
>> Why?
>> Well, last night I met Monica's.
>> What?
>> Yeah. I I had a date with this guy, and
I swear to God, he is her other half.
>> Come on, don't be crazy. You don't think
there's somebody out there better suited
for Monica than me, do you?
>> But what's he like?
>> Well, he's tall.
>> Uh-huh.
>> He has brown hair.
>> Of course. Of course.
>> A tall guy with hair similar to mine.
Oh, a noble universe.
>> He works with food. Oh, sure. Older,
>> obviously. And he's British.
>> I was JUST GOING TO ASK.
>> YEAH.
>> And he's he's so centered and mature and
confident. Oh, it's so sad they never
had a chance to meet.
>> Luckily, the guy she settled for can't
hear what you're talking about.
>> Oh, I'm so sorry. Um, and maybe I'm
wrong. I But you know what? I'm going to
go out with him again. I'll find out
more.
>> You believe that this guy is destined
for somebody else and you're still going
to date him?
>> Well, he may not be my soulmate, but
girls got to eat.
>> Oh. Oh,
>> hi.
>> Hi.
>> Um, Chandler, Monica, this is Dawn.
>> Oh, hello.
>> Hello. Nice to meet you, too. How are
you?
>> Tall, mate.
>> So, what have you guys been doing?
>> Well, we just had a terrible lunch at
Adriatica. What is with all the sundried
tomatoes at that place?
>> I know. What is this, 1985?
>> That's exactly what I said, Phoebe.
Isn't that strange?
>> Not really.
>> What's wrong with sundried tomatoes?
>> On a barbecued chicken pizza?
>> No.
So, Dom, what what other restaurants do
you like?
>> Well, Octavio 27 and 7. Oh, there's this
great little place, Alessandro.
>> Oh my god, that's my restaurant. I'm the
chef there.
>> You're kidding me. You your food is
fantastic. Wow. I really want to talk to
you about your menu. I'm just going to
get some coffees first. Um, anyone want
anything?
>> No, I'd like a latte. You know what? If
you're going to talk about me, I'm going
to go with you.
>> What are you doing?
>> Nothing. I swear to God, I didn't know
you guys would be here. And the good
news is you don't even believe in
soulmates. So
>> I believe in tall, handsome strangers
who hit on my wife.
>> They're just talking. And you know what?
Just cuz I think they're soulmates
doesn't mean anything's going to happen.
>> Maybe good work.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. I was afraid I love him.
>> Don't worry, we'll find you someone
else.
>> My life's gone pretty well, but I look
around and I just see so many people who
have accomplished so many of their goals
by the time they're 30. Yeah, but you
shouldn't compare yourself to me.
>> There you go.
>> I did it. One mile on a hiphop.
That's it. That's everything I wanted to
do before I was 30. Except I wanted to
patch things up with my sister.
>> Oh well. But yay.
>> And And girls, this thing is a godsend,
if you know what I mean.
>> Hey, I'm here.
>> Oh. Oh my god.
>> You like it?
>> Oh my god.
>> It's my new apothecary table.
>> Ros Stevie is going to be here any
second. She cannot see this.
>> Oh, why not? She'll She'll love it. It's
the real thing. I got a Pottery Barn.
>> I know you did. I bought the same one.
And if she sees your table, she's going
to know that I lied to her. I told her
that ours wasn't original.
>> Why did you do that?
>> Because she hates Pottery Barn.
>> She hates Pottery Barn.
>> I know. I know. She says it's all
mass-produced. Nothing is authentic. And
everyone winds up having the same stuff.
>> So, come on. She's going to be here any
second. Can we please just cover this up
with something, please?
>> What? No. No. I am not going to hide it
from Phoebe. Oh, although I did get some
great Pottery Barn sheets.
>> Oh, I forgot they made sheets.
>> Yeah.
>> I still can't believe she hates Pottery
Barn.
>> Ross, get over it. It's not like she
hates you.
>> Yeah, but Pottery Barn,
>> you know, when I think she's just she's
weird, you know? It's because she's a
twin. Twins are weird.
>> Ross, she's not weird. She just likes
her stuff to be one of a kind.
>> You know what's not one of a kind? A
twin.
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Oh, Phoe's here. Okay. So, let's turn on
all the lights and we'll just watch the
movie. Okay. Hey. Ooh, cool sheet.
>> Oh, you like it? You want to know where
I got it?
>> Sure. They got They GOT IT AT A FLEA
MARKET.
YOU BOUGHT YOUR SHEETS at a flea market.
>> Ross, come on. You got to loosen the
purse strings a little.
>> Hey babes, can you please not put your
feet up on my new
>> old sheet?
MY APOTHECARY TABLE.
WHAT? NO.
>> ROSS, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
>> I GOT IT AT POTTERY BARN. OKAY.
>> Oh my god. Baby, Pottery Barn has ripped
off the design OF OUR ANTIQUE.
>> WOW.
>> OH MY GOD. WELL, IF THEY'VE ripped off
our table, ours must be worth much more
than $1 in $50.
>> Well, this doesn't even smell like
opium.
>> Of course not. It smells like wine.
which you spilled. And thanks for
wrecking my sheet, by the way.
>> Oh, Ross, calm down. I'll give you the
80 cents.
Well, Glattus, say hello to your new
home.
>> Oh my
wow. Oh, she's so nice and big.
Oh, Monica, where are you going to
display Glattus oh so proudly?
You haven't really settled on a spot
yet.
>> Well, hey, how about right above the TV?
That way, it will be the first thing
that you see when you walk in the door.
Yeah. Yeah. And you can get rid of that
French poster. I like that poster.
Really doesn't have anything coming out
of it.
>> Or maybe there's some place for her in
your bedroom. Oh, there's nothing above
your bed. Are you still here?
>> Hey, listen. You know how uh when you're
wearing pants and you lean forward, I
check out your underwear?
>> Yeah.
>> Well, when Jake did it, I saw that he
was wearing women's underwear.
>> I know. They were mine.
>> Oh,
no. No, wait. That's weird.
>> No, it's not. We were just goofing
around and I dared him to try them on.
>> That's weird.
>> I'm wearing his briefs right now. That's
kind of hot.
>> I think so, too. And that little flap,
it's great for holding my lipstick.
>> Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.
>> And you know, Jake says that women's
underwear is actually more comfortable
and he loves the way the silk feels
against his skin.
>> Yeah. Well, next thing you know, he'd be
telling you that your high heels are
good for his posture.
There is nothing wrong with Jake, okay?
He is all man. I'm thinking even more
than you.
>> Oh yeah, he look like a real lumberjack
in those pink laces.
>> I'm just saying that only a man
completely secure with his masculinity
could walk around in women's underwear.
I don't think you could ever do that.
>> Hey, I am secure with my masculinity.
>> Okay, whatever.
>> You've seen my huge stack of porn,
right?
Yeah.
Hey, fibs.
>> Hey,
>> check it out.
>> Huh?
>> How much of a man am I?
>> Wow, nice. Manly and also kind of a
You know, I'm beginning to see what Jake
was talking about.
>> The silk feels really good.
>> Yeah. And and things aren't as smashed
down as I thought they were going to be.
>> It's great, Joe.
>> Yeah. And you have so many more choices
than you do with men's underwear.
Bikini, French cut, thong, and and the
fabrics. You got cotton, silk, lace, and
you know what? I've always wondered
about panty hoes. You know the way they
start at your toe and then they go all
the way up to
>> I should go take these off, shouldn't I?
>> I think it's important that you do
>> feel better.
>> Yeah. Much
Listen, uh not that I'm insecure about
my manhood or anything, you know, but uh
I think I need to hook up with a woman
like right now.
>> Yeah, I understand.
>> Yeah. Okay.
>> Hey. Hi.
>> Hi.
>> You know, you look familiar. Do I know
you from somewhere?
>> I don't think so.
>> Maybe it's because I'm on television.
>> I'm an actor on Days of Our Lives.
>> Wow.
>> Really?
>> Mhm.
>> 450, please. Oh,
>> let me get this.
These are for you.
>> Tie my shoes. So, you go ahead. I'll
catch up. Okay. Okay.
>> Come on. LET'S START RUNNING. LET'S GO.
You guys, I'm telling you, when she
runs, she looks like a cross between
Kermit the Frog and the $6 million man.
>> Monica had such a crush on him that she
used to kiss his poster every night
before she went to bed.
>> Oh, I used to do that, too.
>> Did you also have his album, It's Not
Easy Being Green.
>> Oh,
so Phoebe runs weird, huh?
Yeah. Yeah. You know what? And and I
know she's going to want to run again. I
just don't I don't know how to get out
of it. I mean, I live with her.
>> Why don't you just be straight with her?
Tell her the truth.
>> You're right.
>> You're right. I should just tell her the
truth.
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Hey, Bab. Monica tripped me. I don't
think I can ever run again. Ever.
>> Why? Why would you do that?
>> I don't know.
>> Rachel, I'm I'm sorry that I hurt your
ankles. Ankle. We'll see.
>> Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. It's me. I saw you
grab your running shoes this morning and
sneak out. You lied so you could run by
yourself.
>> No. No, Phoebe. No, I was No, you know
what? I was I was actually just checking
to see if I could run, and I can.
>> Please, Rachel. I am not an idiot.
>> No, WAIT, PHOEBE.
HEY, PHOEI. Can I talk to you for a
second? Sure. Okay. Um, I
Phoebe, look, I just wanted to say that
I'm sorry. Okay. I handled the situation
horribly and and I should not have lied
to you.
>> So, what should you have done?
>> Well, I I should have told you the
truth.
>> Uhhuh. which is
well, you know, the reason that I didn't
want to go running with you is
because um well, you know, the way that
you run is just a little
So,
>> well, it's embarrassing. People were
looking at us like we were crazy.
>> Why do you care? Because they're people.
But people that you don't know and will
never see again.
>> Yes, but still they are people with
eyes.
Well, I didn't get embarrassed running
next to Miss.
>> But Oh, okay. No, no, I can see why
running with me would be embarrassing to
you. Yeah. Okay. You're uptight.
>> Well, I But I am not up to
Listen, I am not uptight, man.
That's okay, Rachel. I'm not judging
you. That's just who you are. me, I'm
more freak, you know. I run like I did
when I was a kid because it's the only
way it's fun, you know? I mean, didn't
you ever run so fast you thought your
legs were going to fall off? You know,
like when you were like running toward
the swings or or running away from
Satan,
the neighbor's dog.
I'm so sorry. You're right. This feels
great.
>> See, and you don't care if people are
staring. IT'S JUST FOR a second CUZ THEN
YOU'RE GONE.
>> GOD, I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING. I feel so
free AND SO GRACEFUL.
HEY, look out for the horse.
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