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Ooh! Someone responded
to a theory I posted
on the physics
bulletin board.
He called my
work flawed.
That's rude.
Let him know
he can't push you around.
That's what I did
at baseball practice.
I'd rather not resort to
name-calling.
It usually gets me stuffed
somewhere uncomfortable.
That's in person,
where people know
you're pathetic and weak.
That's true.
This is completely anonymous.
I can say whatever I want
without fear of
physical retaliation.
Thanks.
ADULT SHELDON:
And on that day,
my sister created
the first Internet flame war.
Ooh, that is as cruel
as it is grammatical.
And send.
It's just so easy. All you do
is type in the Usenet address:
"sci... dot... theory...
"dot... physics...
"dot... research...
dot... quantum."
Press enter, and
it comes right up.
(modem beeping, screeching)
Careful. In WarGames,
Matthew Broderick
almost blew up the world.
The only thing
I'm gonna be blowing up
is this fellow's
flimsy argument.
(modem continues beeping)
That was one of my classic
jokes; feel free to laugh.
See? Like magic.
(gasps)
Well, I never.
(phone rings)
Hello?
I'm having a scientific argument
with someone
and I need your help.
I do love a good science fight.
Has it devolved
to name-calling yet?
Yes. I called him
a Pongo pygmaeus.
(laughs):
Oh!
A Bornean orangutan.
That is a creature who would be
very bad at science. Well done.
I know.
So how can I help?
I posted a theory
on the collapse
of wave function.
We've been arguing
back and forth
and he's saying that my
probabilities come out negative.
Hmm. I see.
Have you considered
that negative probabilities
can still have meaning?
Ooh, I hadn't.
That suggests another idea.
I can argue
that negative probabilities
only show up
in intermediate steps.
I'm gonna destroy him with this.
And when you do, feel free to
call him a Scarabaeus viettei,
a dung beetle.
Oh, I so admire your mind.
Back at you, little man.
ADULT SHELDON:
Thanks to Dr. Sturgis,
I had all the intellectual
ammunition I needed
to bring my opponent
to his knees.
I accused him of conflating
two different interpretations
of quantum theory,
woefully misrepresenting
Paul Dirac,
and when I called him
a dung beetle in Latin,
I was so riled up,
I almost started
producing testosterone.
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