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hello my name is
Clunkers may I please stay with you nice
people oh I wish you could stay here but
Chandler is allergic extremely allergic
okay if I am anywhere near a dog for
more than 5 minutes my throat will just
close up that's odd cuz this dog's been
living here for the past 3
days really
tandler if the dog has been here that
long and you haven't had a reaction
maybe you're not allergic to this dog
well it still has to go right
why okay it's um don't do
it don't do what I have to okay it's
time okay I hate dogs what
told
you I have a bone to pick with
you uh-oh yes Ben learned a little
trick oh yeah did he pull the that's
right that's
right Sur hand wrap on the toilet seat
so the PE goes
everywhere oh that yeah that you know I
hate practical jokes they're mean and
they're stupid and and I don't want my
son learning them oh come on Saran wrap
on the toilet seat you don't think
that's just a little funny I was
barefoot now tell me the toilet thing is
the only thing you taught him right
yes hey guys hey sweetie ready to go
yeah sure oh I left my purse up at
Monica's I'll be right back wait a
minute
one
ooh that one kept
going so you and Phoebe huh how long you
been going out over a month wow maybe uh
maybe you and I ought to get to know
each other a little better sure I'd like
that yeah so
uh what's your
name it's Jake Joey Hey Jake uh do you
like the Knicks yeah big fan me too
there's a game on Tuesday you want to go
yeah that'd be great let me make sure
I'm not doing anything Tuesday
beep Hey listen you know how uh when
you're wearing pants and you lean
forward I check out your underwear
yeah well when Jake did it I saw that he
was wearing women's underwear I know
they were
mine
oh no no wait that's
weird no it's not we were just goofing
around and I dared him to try them on
that's weird I'm wearing his briefs
right right now that's kind of
hot I think so too and that little flap
great for holding my
lipstick yeah I wouldn't know about
that and you know Jake says that women's
underwear is actually more comfortable
and he loves the way the silk feels
against his skin yeah well next thing
you know it be telling you that your
high heels are good for his
posture there is nothing wrong with Jake
okay he is all man I'm thinking even
more than you oh yeah you look like a
real Lumberjack in those pink
laes I'm just saying that only a man
completely secure with his masculinity
could walk around in women's underwear I
don't think you could ever do that hey I
am secure with my masculinity okay
whatever you've seen my huge stack of
porn right
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
hey fees
hey check it
out
[Applause]
H how much of a man am I wow nice manly
and also kind of a
you know I'm beginning to see what
Jake was talking about uhuh the silk
feels really good yeah and and things
aren't as smashed down as I thought they
were going to be great Joe yeah and you
have so many more choices than you do
with men's underwear bikini French cut
thong and and the Fabrics you got cotton
silk lace and you know what I've always
wondered about panty hoes you know the
way they start at your toe and then they
go all the way up
T I should go take these off shouldn't
I think it's important that you
do feel better yeah
much listen uh not that I'm insecure
about my manhood or anything you know
but uh I think I need to hook up with a
woman like right now yeah I understand
yeah
okay hey hi
hi you know you look familiar do I know
you from somewhere I don't think so oh
maybe it's because I'm on
television I'm an actor on Days of Our
Lives wow really mhm 450 please oh let
me get
this these are for you
and that should conclusively prove that
I had the idea for Jurassic Park
first let's take
a oh my God what are you doing here I
need to talk to you it's pretty urgent
it's about Monica and Chandler oh my god
um of course of uh would you please
excuse me for a moment um do you know
each other's hometowns why don't
you what's going on well um not much but
I was just thinking that since those
guys just got engaged that maybe it'd be
nice if they had some privacy you know
so could I just move in with you for a
couple
days um okay yeah sure but what what's
wrong with Monica and Chandler nothing
why Phoebe you said it was urgent oh
yeah it is I'm going to the movies and
it starts in like five
minutes do you realize I have a
classroom full of
students oh I'm sorry I'm so rude does
anyone want to come to the
[Music]
movies I'm sorry I thought maybe I'd
make some warm milk and it would help me
sleep with a
walk thought you were going to read my
boring book to put you to sleep it got
interesting damn you Oprah
here let me make the milk I'm up anyway
hey you know what we could do you know
now that we're up we could just like
talk to each other all night long you
know like we did when we were first
going out it' be fun okay that does
sound fun yeah so I me how bummed were
you when the second sister died huh the
second sister
dies
no no I I I was talking about the book I
was reading the second sister dies in
Archie and Jug Head double
digest that's
correct okay Rachel you're up first
Situation Number one you're with Monica
the wedding is about to start when
Monica gets cold feet go I don't want to
marry
Chandler okay um it's going to be okay
one man the rest of my life I don't know
if I could do it this means I'll never
get to sleep with Joey
look
Monica getting cold feet is very common
you know it's it's just because of all
the anticipation and you just have to
remember that you love Chandler and also
I ran out on a wedding you don't get to
keep the
gifts very good drawn on your own
experience I like
that yes very nice Rachel thank you
judges oh kiss ass
okay Phoebe yes your
honor we're now in the ceremony Monica
is about to say I do when her drunk
uncle starts yelling what do you do go
when monac was a little girl I
remember
oh very
good yes excellent perfect score wait a
minute she just made a scene in the
middle of the ceremony hey hey you want
a little taste of
feeds wow huh well it's funny these
Halls look smaller than they used to
it's a different
building
so Striker rore huh when do you want me
to start why don't we start right now
okay here are the audition
scenes audition thought you were going
to offer me the part why would you think
that well I was Dr Drake Mor Striker's
twin brother who looks more like me than
me
right everybody has to
audition you know Terry I I don't really
need to do this I got my own cable TV
series with a
robot I'm sorry Joey that's that's the
way it
is
well I guess you think you're pretty
special huh sitting up here in your
fancy small hall
building making Stars jump through hoops
for you huh well you know
what this is one star whose
hoop this is a star that the hoop this
hoop I was Dr Drake
rore but I look around and I just see so
many people who have accomplished so
many of their goals by the time they're
30 yeah but you shouldn't compare
yourself to
me okay do it baby
come on there you
[Applause]
[Music]
go I did it one mile on a hippity hop
that's it that's everything I wanted to
do before I was 30 except I wanted to
patch things up with my sister oh well
but
yay and and girls this thing is a
godsend if you know what I
mean
W did you uh find anyone to marry you
guys yet no but horny for Monica
Minister
called wanting to know if we were still
together we're never going to find
anybody well then let me do it Joe no no
no look I've been thinking about it I'm
an actor right so I won't get nervous
talking in front of people I won't spit
and I won't stare at Monica's
breasts you know everyone knows I'm an
ass man
that is true yeah and the most important
thing is it won't be some like stranger
up there who barely knows you it'll be
me and I swear I'll do a really good job
plus you know I love you guys and and it
would really mean a lot to
me might be kind of cool so I can do it
yeah you can do it all right you don't
get all right okay okay I got to get
started on my speech oh wait a
minute internet ministers can still have
sex right hey what are you guys what are
you guys talking about
nothing damn this coffee is cold hey ra
do you mind if I heat this up on your
loins you know I cannot believe you told
him
Joey so I guess you bought that book
after we broke up huh uh-huh yeah I did
because I wore out my first copy when I
was with
you oh yeah yeah well uh when we were
going out I read tons of porno
magazines
so boss how could you do that to an old
man excuse me
ladies hey guess what I got for your
wedding a freakishly thin date with a
hanger for a
head no Rachel hooked me up with a tux
but not just any tux Batman's
tux that's right made expressly for Val
Kilmer and worn by him in the hit
film that Batman film he was
in you can't wear that I'm wearing the
famous tux James Bond's tux so so if you
wear that it'll make mine less
special you need something to make this
day special hello you have the most
special thing of all you are marrying
the woman you love
please don't take away my cool thing
please pretty please pretty please not
very uh
007 look it's my wedding day okay if you
were getting married I would never do
anything to upset you when I got married
you slept with my sister that was
pretty7 oh my God how did you get back
here BB
Buffet fire alarm
oh hi officer fireman can I help you we
found your fire alarm in the trash shoot
mhm that's not mine yes it is how do you
know the next time you want to dump a
fire alarm in the trash shoot don't
wrapp it in a blanket that says property
of Phoebe bufet not
Monica okay do you okay do you have a
search warrant because the last time I
checked this was still
America please reattach this it's
against the law to disconnect them fine
but please God tell me how to stop it
from going off just press the reset
button under the plastic cover there's a
reset button oh thank you thank you oh
there's a reset button my
God why didn't I see
that reset button reset button where's
there reset button oh here it is oh
[Music]
anything that's not Ralph
Lauren yeah I don't think so
Joe all right I guess this will be fun
Hey listen uh what are you what are you
doing tonight nothing what how would you
feel about taking out my assistant tag
I'll
pay M I got to say it's going to take a
lot of money for me to go out on a date
with a dude
I'm not asking you to go on a date with
him really cuz I could kind of use the
money Joey just just he's new in town
and I know he doesn't have any guy
friends just take him to like a ball
game or something I'd really appreciate
it yeah okay sure no problem thank you
oo hey
Donuts
that's wish I didn't have to go believe
me
but unfortunately I have to oh um by the
way what's the name of the girl you're
dating chrr
bye well obviously only one of us can
keep dating her
obviously so how do we
decide well now let's let's look at this
objectively I think I should date
her uh-huh uh-huh or or I'm the one who
dates her
that's interesting but check this out I
date
her yeah yeah I like that but just to go
in another Direction okay okay this can
go on for a while yeah well we should
order some food then no
Joey look why don't why don't we just
let her decide okay hey hey we'll each
go out with her one more time and and
we'll see who she likes
best that sounds
fair maybe I'll take her to that new
French restaurant down the street hey
wait a second now look we're going to
have to set a spending limit on the date
I don't have the money to take her to a
fancy place like that well sorry that's
what I do on
dates all right well I guess I'll just
have to do what I do on
[Applause]
days so let's decide on a spending limit
yeah uh
a
slice
$6 I was thinking more like a hundred
okay and I bought
$94 hey
guys hey
so what do you
think about what what yeah what are you
kidding okay I'll give you a hint I'll
give you a hint
eyes no no your eyes no Chandler's
eyes I got
glasses you always had
glasses no I
didn't are you
sure yeah did didn't you used to have a
pair they were really round and burgundy
and they made you look kind of um
feminine
yes no sweetie I think the glasses look
great they make you look really sexy
really yeah you didn't think I used to
wear glasses right of
course so I just talked to one of the
duel writers today and what is duel Days
of Our
Lives anyway you're not going to believe
it my character is coming out of his
coma and and not only that I'm getting a
new
brain so great thing are happening at
work and in your personal
life wait what do you mean you're
getting a new brain oh well they're
killing off one of the characters on the
show and when she dies her brain is
being transplanted into my
body what a brain transplant it's
ridiculous well I think it's ridiculous
that you haven't had sex in 3 and a half
[Applause]
months it's winter there are fewer
people on the street
[Laughter]
who are they filling off uh Cecilia
Monroe she plays Jessica lockart
no she is so good at throwing drinks in
people's faces I mean I don't think I've
ever seen her finish a beverage and the
way she slaps people all the time
wouldn't you love to do that just once
oh
D and she's been on the show forever
it's going to be really hard to fill her
shoes yeah yeah help me out here when
you when you come out of the brain
[Music]
transplant you are going to be her yes
but in Drake R's
body why is this so hard for you to get
I thought you were a
scientist hey how was it well I had a
great time um Chanty on the other hand I
will tell the story it was going great I
let him win we were bonding he even said
that I could call him dad and what did
he ask you not to call him
daddy all right look here's the
story well we had just finished playing
racketball and we were going to take a
steam I walk into the steam room and
it's really
steamy so I take off my glasses and
that's when it happened guys over here
have a seat son
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
hey oh my God Chandler I can't believe
it I know you gave my father a lap
dance why do they put so much steam in
there cuz otherwise they have to call it
the room room
[Music]
why okay why why did that have to
happen come on it's not that big a deal
not that big a deal there there was
touching of
things I I know you wanted to bond with
my dad but did you really have to bond
to that
part listen I'm sure that dad doesn't
care he probably thought this was really
funny he'll be telling the story for
years I don't want him to tell this
story for
years oh but he
will he still tells a story about how
Monica tried to escape from Fat
Camp I wasn't escaping then how'd you
get caught in the barbed
wire I was trying to help out a squirrel
you were trying to eat
it if that is your father calling to
tell this story then the marriage is
off come on hello
I'm sorry you have the wrong
number okay I'll call you later dad I
love
[Music]
you all right I'm off to see your dad
whoa whoa aren't you a little
overdressed yeah and and you better make
sure he tips you this
time look I figured I would try to
convince him not to tell the story
anymore and I figured the best way to do
that was face to face and by face
I don't mean his lap and by face I don't
mean my
ass so you understand I'd feel a lot
more comfortable if you didn't tell
people what happened you know I'm a
little a little embarrassed about it I
understand completely there's nothing
more horrifying than embarrassing
yourself in front of your in-laws as a
matter of fact when I started dating
Judy I was unemployed and her father
asked me what I did for a living and I
told him I was a lawyer
what what' you do when they found out
they never did so if you ever see me
giving them legal advice just not
alone shall
we so I guess we wear swimsuits in
here okay okay good you're here all
right I figured it out I'm going to take
two tables of eight I'm going to add
your parents and I'm going to turn them
into three tables of six okay and I call
the caterer I added two extra meals we
are good to go yeah they're not
coming what somehow they got the idea
that you only invited them because of me
they feel a little unwanted oh that's
too bad it's true but too bad look Mom
if you could just call my mom oh Joey
come on look just just tell let her know
that you really want them to be there
let's not forget this is a woman who has
sent you many lasagnas over the years no
she hasn't is it her fault if some of
them didn't make it to
you what am I going to say I don't know
just uh just tell them there was a mix
up with the invitations or no no no
blame it on the post office they hate
the post office and the
Irish but I don't think you can blame it
on them
so hello yeah hi uh Mrs triani hi this
this is Monica Geller yeah I'm I'm just
calling to say that Chandler and I
really hope that you can make it to the
wedding yeah apparently a bunch of the
invitations that we sent uh weren't
delivered um I guess there was some
screw up at the damn post
office tell me about it yeah yeah the US
Post Office no more like us lost
office what are they Irish
[Music]
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