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I've had a really good time tonight you
know I rarely connect with someone this
much on the first
date me
neither I I've had a really good time
too you
know are you going to eat that
bread oh I I just like the
smell you make me
laugh would you like to move over to the
couch
[Music]
mhm maybe I'll just turn down the lights
a
little how about all the
way
okay wow cool poster or should I say gy
poster so uh yeah where were
we are those your teeth
oh you you can see them huh yes they're
insanely white I I did that for
you what's the matter with you what's
the matter with me you've got a black
light It's
1999 oh my God God the pages are stuck
together
[Laughter]
Chandler oh my God she she made half an
English trifle
and half a shepherd's
[Applause]
pie yeah this is so good that I'm going
to go enjoy it on the
balcony so I can enjoy the view whilst I
enjoy my
dessert I'm going to call my friend Mary
and tell her how good this is from
Monica's room I'll help you
dial and I'm going to go into the
bathroom so I can look at it in the
mirror as I eat
it okay now what was that all about is
it does it not taste good let me try
this no
[Laughter]
no oh
gone so
good maybe chanler has some
left it tastes like
feet I like
it are you kidding what's not the like
custard good Jam good meat
good so a bird just grabbed it and
then and then tried to fly away with it
and and then just dropped it on the
street yes but if it's any consolation
before the bird dropped it he seemed to
enjoy
it hi hey I hear that you and Joshua are
going out to dinner with Ross and Emily
and I think that's I think that's really
cool yeah Rael I think you're handling
that really
well handling it even handling it
there's nothing to handle you know maybe
I would have a problem with this if it
wasn't for me and
Joshua you know they're not going to get
married
anyway what come on they rushed into
this thing so fast it's ridiculous I
mean they're going to be engaged for
like what a year and somewhere along the
way one of them is going to realize what
they've done and they're going to call
the whole thing on
I'm telling you you're going to be
dancing at my wedding before you're
dancing at theirs yeah well I don't
dance at
weddings why not because weddings are a
great place to meet women and when I
dance I look like
[Applause]
this hey man
hey so what are you guys doing four
weeks from today nothing nothing nothing
I
am
free great because Emily and I are
getting married in a
month what yep in a month yeah you mean
you mean 30 days yeah from now
yeah that's great where's Rachel she and
Phoebe took the stripper to the
hospital did you know Chandler kiss
Rachel what when when was this
1987 the weekend you guys visited me at
school oh my God that's wild yeah but it
was like a million years ago so it
doesn't matter well it matters to me why
because the night you kissed Rachel was
the night I kissed Rachel for the very
first time you kissed her that night too
two guys in one night wow I thought she
became a sled after she got her nose
fixed seriously where did this happen
Okay after you told me she was passed
out in our room I went in there to make
sure she was all right she was lying on
my bed all buried in people's coats well
I I went to kiss her on the forehead you
know but it was so dark I accidentally
got her lips I I started to pull away
but then I I felt her start to kiss me
back it was only for a second but it was
amazing and now now I find out that you
kissed her first oh wait what bed did
you say she was on mine I'm pretty sure
I put her on my bed no she was
definitely on my bed why would I kiss a
girl and then put put her on your
bed well then who was on my bed oh oh
oh no no
no you were under the pile of coats I
was the pile of
coat oh my
God you are my midnight mystery
kisser you were my first kiss with
Rachel
you were my first kiss
ever what did I marry into we're going
to split it you take half and I take
half well that's not fair you've already
had some well oh then not you know what
I think Monica would be very interested
to know that you called her cheesecake
dry and Meely what do we use to split it
okay all right pick a half okay well
this side looks bigger M uh
there's more crust on this side yeah so
maybe if I measure oh for God sake just
pick a piece all right pick that so the
smaller
piece okay there you go enjoy your half
my friend but that is it no sharing no
switching and don't come crying to me if
you eat your piece too fast
oh all right you got to give me some of
your piece oh no no no switching no
sharing don't come crying to
me I may just sit here and have my cake
all day just sit here in the hallway and
eat
[Music]
my oh y look there's a piece that
doesn't have floor on it stick to your
side come on now
all right what are we having took care
of everything thanks a lot
co-host wait a minute take care of
everything there's there's plenty of
things for you to do uhhuh like
what
cups Cups you're giving me cups and ice
cups and Ice oh I get to be in charge of
Cups and Ice all
right fine okay I will be in charge of
Cups and Ice wait a minute I can get ice
at the restaurant I got it
[Music]
mine hey check it out um cup hat cup
Banner cup Chandelier and the thing that
started it all the
cup great job with the cups
feves why don't you just go out with
her and did you notice the ice look we
have it all we have crushed cubed and
dry watch
a
mystical I it no one's eating my tus and
finger food because they're all filling
up on Fe snow cones there snow cones
snow
cones you go go thank thank you
[Music]
my God these pants I'm burning
up come on she wants to snuggle now what
is she trying to kill me it's like a
volcano in
here are you hot
no okay let just be me then
that was just the pants on the
couch um hey do you do you mind if I use
your bathroom oh go ahead thanks
a hey my favorite part's coming up
okay oh my
[Music]
God hello Joey it's Ross I need some
help uh Chandler's not here well you can
help
me okay listen I'm in Elizabeth's
bathroom
nice no I I got really hot in my leather
pants so I took them off but they must
have shrunk from the the sweat or
something or or my legs expanded from
the heat I but I I can't get them back
on Joe I
can't that is quite a situation
uh do you see any like powder what
powder yeah yeah I have powder good good
okay sprinkle some of that on your legs
it'll absorb some of the moisture and
then you can get your pants back on yeah
hold yeah hold on
they're not coming on
man um you see any uh oh
Vaseline I I see lotion I have lotion
will that work yeah sure throw some of
that on there hold on
Ross you okay they're still they're
still not coming on man and the lotion
and the powder have made a
paste
really uh what color is
it what difference does that make well
I'm just if the paste matches the pants
you can make yourself a pair of paste
pants and you won't know do
Joey do you have a minute dude what am I
uh Rachel's here so good luck man let me
know how it works
out oh Joey I have such a problem uh
well your timing couldn't be better I am
putting out fires all over the place
today Ross um you've been in there for a
long time I'm starting to get kind of
freaked out all right I'm coming
out hey can you turn the lights
off no let's just leave the lights
on oh my
God I had a problem all right I took the
quiz and it turns out I do put career
before men
get up what you're in my seat how is
this your
seat cuz I was sitting there but then
you
left well it's not like I went to
Spain I went to the bathroom you knew I
was coming back what's the big deal sit
somewhere else the big deal is I was
sitting there last so it's my
seat well actually the last place you
were sitting was in there
so you guys you know what you know what
it doesn't matter because you both have
to go get dressed before the big vein in
my head pops so all right Ross I just
have to do one thing really quickly it's
not a big deal get
up all right fine you know what we'll
both sit in the chair fine with
me I'm so
comfortable me too in fact I think I
might be a little too comfortable all
right okay look we have 19 minutes okay
Chandler I want you to go and change
okay and then when you come back Joey
will go change and he'll have vacated
the chair okay okay all right fine I'm
going when I get back it's chair City
and I'm the guy who's sitting in a
chair all right you will notice that I
am fully dressed I in turn have noticed
that you are not so in the words of AA
mil get out of my chair deal
hole
okay what are you doing well you said I
had to give you the chair you didn't see
anything about the
cushions the cushions are the essence of
the chair that's right I'm taking the
essence
he'll be
back there's nobody in the
room where's my underwear who whoa whoa
whoa come on come on what you took his
underwear he took my Essence okay hold
on Joey why why can't you just wear the
underwear you're wearing now cuz I'm not
wearing any underwear
now okay um then why do you have to wear
underwear tonight it's a rented tux okay
not to go commando on another man's
fatigue well then it looks like
somebody's going to have to give
somebody back his
cushions okay you hide my clothes I'm
going to do the exact opposite to
you what are you what are you going to
show me my clothes hey
opposite is
opposite he's got nothing
okay buddy boy here it
is you hide my clothes I'm wearing
everything you
own oh my
God that is so not the opposite of
taking somebody's
underwear look at me I'm Chandler could
I be wearing any more
clothes maybe if I wasn't going commando
m
yeah I'll tell you it's hot with all
this stuff on I uh I better not do any I
don't know
lunges I'm going to stop you right there
Linda okay does it look like this is my
first time huh now I want four twos and
I want them all on my
back okay
wait a minute there's two sets of
nozzles which one is it which which
which which one is it [ __ ] son of a
[Music]
[ __ ] dude it's Chandler let me in go
away I don't want to see anybody I know
I went to the tanning place and the same
thing happened to me you have to let me
in
really did you count
mississippily you you're not tan no I
just had to get a picture of
this I'll see you later pass the cheese
please my God you can't even look at me
can you
nope hey it's BBE we can talk to
BBE no I'm I'm too depressed to talk
I'll give you $1,000 to talk to
us hey you guys what do what do you
think about making that beach trip an
annual thing
no all right that's it you guys what
happened out there what we took a walk
nothing happened I came back with
nothing all over me
me come on what happened
Joey all right no Joey we sore we'd
never tell they'll never
understand we have to say something we
have to get it out it's eating me
alive Monica got stung by a jellyfish
all
right all right
I got
stung stung
bad I couldn't stand I I couldn't walk
we were 2 miles from the
house we scared and
alone we didn't think we could make
it I was in too much pain and I was
tired from digging the huge hole
[Applause]
and then Joey remembered
something I'd seen this thing on the
Discovery Channel wait a minute I saw
that on the Discovery Channel yeah about
jellyfish and how if
you
e you peed on
yourself e you can't say that you don't
know I I thought I was going to pass out
from the pain anyway I I tried but I I
couldn't been that
way
[Applause]
so that's right I stepped
up she's my friend and she needed
help if I had to I'd pee on any one of
you
only uh I
couldn't I got the stage
fright I wanted to help but there was
just too much pressure so so I uh I
turned to
chanler Joy kept screaming at me do it
now do it do it do it
now sometimes late at night I can still
hear this screaming
That's cuz sometimes I just do it
through my wall to freak you out time my
shoe so you go ahead I'll catch up okay
okay come on let's not running let's
[Music]
go you guys I'm telling you when she
runs she looks like a cross between
Kermit the Frog and the $6 billion man
Monica had such a crush on him that she
used to kiss his poster every night
before she went to bed oh I used to do
that too did you also have his album
It's Not Easy Being
Green
Oh So Pho Run's weird
huh yeah yeah you know what and and I
know she's going to want to run again I
just don't I don't know how to get out
of it I mean I live with her why don't
you just be straight with her tell her
the truth you're right you're right I
should just tell her the truth hey hey
hey F Monica trip me I don't think I can
ever run again
ever why why would you do that I don't
know Rachel I'm sorry that I hurt your
ankles ankle we'll see
[Music]
hi oh yeah uh-huh it's me I saw you grab
your running shoes this morning and
sneak out you lied so you could run by
yourself no no Phoebe no I was no you
know what I was I was actually just
checking to see if I could run and I can
please Rachel I am not an idiot no wait
baby hey baby can I talk to you for a
second sure okay
um
I Phoebe look I just wanted to say that
I'm sorry okay I handled the situation
horribly and and I should not have lied
to
you so what should you have done well I
I should have told you the truth uhhuh
which
is well you know the reason that I
didn't want to go running with you is
because um well you know the way that
you run is just a
little so well it's embarrassing people
were looking at us like we were crazy
why do you care because they're
people but people that you don't know
and will never see again yes but still
they are people with
eyes well I didn't get embarrassed
running next to
miss but oh okay no no I can see why
running with me would be embarrassing to
you yeah okay you're uptight what I I am
not up
to listen I'm not uptight
man that's okay Rachel I'm not judging
you that's just who you are me I'm more
free you know I run like I did when I
was a kid because that's the only way
it's fun you know I mean didn't you ever
run so fast you thought your legs were
going to fall off you know like when you
were like running toward the swings or
running away from
Satan the neighbor's
[Music]
dog I'm so sorry you were right this
feels great see and you don't care if
people are staring it's just for a
second cuz then you're gone God I mean
it's amazing I feel so free and So
Graceful hey look out for the
horse we should all get dressed up and
go to have champagne at the plaza oh
okay but I I I can't stay too long I got
to get up early for a commercial
audition tomorrow and I got to look good
supposed to be playing a 19-year-old
what so when you said get up early did
you mean
1986 you guys don't think I look
19 oh 19 wait thought you said
90 okay everybody let's go let's go okay
so sup
dude take whatever you want just please
don't hurt
me so you playing little PlayStation
huh that's
whack
PlayStation is whack
Su with the whack PlayStation
s h come on am I 19 or what yes on a
scale from 1 to 10 10 being the dumbest
a person can look you are definitely
19 come on man really how old young
you're a Manchild okay now go get
changed because everybody's ready and
please oh please keep my
underwear oh thanks
now I can pass for 19
right yes you can pass for 19 really yes
seriously seriously seriously no okay
you can play your own age which is
31 I'm
30 Joey you are not you're
31 oh
crap time we're in a virtual snowstorm
of confetti here in Time Square it gets
bigger and go
kids and then the peacock bit
me please kiss me at
midnight you seen Sandy o uh I don't
know how to tell you this but uh she's
in Monica's bedroom getting it on with
Max that scientist
geek oh look at that I didn't know how
to tell you
everybody the ball is ding
what the ball is
droing it'll be midnight and the moment
of joy is upon us looks like that no
date pack thing worked
out everybody looks so happy I hate that
not everybody's happy hey
Bobby Happy New Year
you know I uh just thought I'd throw
this out here I'm no math whz but I do
believe there are three girls and three
guys right here
M oh I don't feel like kissing anyone
tonight I can't kiss anyone so I'm
kissing everyone no no no you can't kiss
Ross that's your brother oh yeah perfect
perfect so now everybody's going to kiss
but me all right somebody kiss me
somebody kiss me it's midnight somebody
kiss kiss me it's midnight it's
[Music]
[Applause]
one
beeps you know what I'm thinking oh
okay
how it's been so long since you've had
sex you're wondering if they've changed
it no although now that's what I'm
thinking all right so what were you
thinking well I was thinking that you
gave the guy Such Great Haircuts I
thought maybe you'd like to do mine oh
no why not because I'm just I'm
incredibly anal and an unbelievable
control freak no you're not I know I'm
not but you are and I was trying to
spare your
feelings you know it's funny last time
Paula was here my hair was so much
shorter and cuter all right okay but but
you have to promise that you will not be
all like controlly and bossy and all you
know Monica about
it I promise all right let's see now
some of you are going to get cut and
some of you
aren't but I promise none of you will
feel a thing
[Music]
all right that's it I Quit what I didn't
say anything yeah but this isn't the
face of a person who trusts a person
okay this is the face of a person who
you know doesn't trust a
person I'm sorry sorry phoe it's just
well just a little shorter than what we
had discussed would you relax I know
what I am doing this is how he wears
it how who wears it Dei
Mo Demi Moore is not a he well he was a
he in Arthur and in
10 that's Dudley more I said I wanted it
like demim more oh oh oh my god oh oh my
God oh my God I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm
sorry which one is demor she's the
actress there was in disclosure and
decent proposal ghost oh oh she's got
Gorgeous
Hair how is
she it's too soon to
tell she's resting which is a good
sign how's the hair I'm not going to lie
to you Ross it doesn't look
good I put a clip on one side which
seems to have stopped the
curling well can we see you your hair
looks too good I think it would upset
her Ross why don't you come on
in hi
[Music]
hi so which one of your lucky boys is
Chandler uh that that's
me that's
me Joey trani big fan
so is that a bedroom yeah yeah right
over there all right whenever you're
ready that was
weird why would you go in the bedroom
I'm
waiting so she's a yep that's one naked
hooker so tonight tonight at a big
bachelor party yeah hey thanks for
giving me that girl's number no problem
say who's the party for for my husband
you hired your husband a
hooker she's a stripper no she's a
hooker is is that what they call
strippers sometimes when they're
hookers oh my god do I I can't believe
you did this now you absolutely sure
she's a hooker it's either that or she's
just the best most expensive date I ever
had all right all right maybe maybe you
should just ask her to leave why me hey
it's your bachelor party which is why
you should do it I don't want to you do
it you do it you do it all right rock
paper scissor if who has to tell the
[ __ ] to
leave
what I missed this I don't think we've
actually done this before no no no no I
I miss hanging out with you well we we
still hang out yeah not like we used to
remember you and me used to be
Inseparable you know now it's
like things are different well you know
things are different I'm I'm married now
yeah sure and hey don't get me wrong I
am so happy for you guys but I just I
miss hanging out just just us you
know yeah I miss that too okay I'll tell
you what for now on we'll make time to
hang out with each other you got it come
here
oh god listen I am this close to robbing
you
guys she's a hooker she's a hooker she's
a hi we spoke on the
phone what nothing nothing just Your
Overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent
musberger
check it out Giants
Cowboys you're watching a football game
at a funeral no oh it's the pregame I'm
going to watch it at the
reception you are a frightening
frightening
man oh no my new poo shoes oh I hope
they're not
ruined okay God what a great
day what
weatherwise I know
you the air the the
trees even though Nana's gone there's
there's something almost uh I don't know
almost
like I'm fine I'm
fine just just having my worst fear
realized
but and done oh my
God I didn't feel the thing hey are you
still looking for a job cuz you could
tweeze circles around that sadistic
[ __ ] at the
salon thanks you want to see what it
looks like yeah
yeah hey they totally match they look
great they look great are you
doing yeah yeah I think it looks pretty
good I was a little bit worried that I
was uh uncovering a birth mark right
about there but it turned out to be a
little piece of
chocolate well hey Chandler thank you so
much no problem listen uh that a pretty
girly hour we just spent we should
probably do something manly make up for
it
yeah gr my eyelash yeah your copy of the
bill we hope you enjoyed your stay oh we
did and you still have all your
lamps no I didn't factor in the room TX
oh dude don't worry about it uh I found
an unattended Maids C we're way ahead of
the
game oh my God what there's there's
something new in the
bowl look we have enough just walk away
no but I I want I want the pine
cones there's a forest right outside
it's not the same okay go
quick thank you for a delightful
stay my m full
candy so I just talked to one of the
duel writers today and what is duel Days
of Our
Lives anyway you're not going to believe
it my character is coming out of his
coma and not only that I'm getting a new
brain so great things are happening at
work and in your personal
life wait what do you mean you're
getting a new brain oh well they're
killing off one of the characters on the
show and when she dies her brain is
being transplanted into my
body what a brain transplant it's
ridiculous well I think it's ridiculous
that you haven't had sex in 3 and a half
months it's winter there are fewer
people on the
street who are they filling off uh
Cecilia Monroe she plays Jessica lockart
no no
she is so good at throwing drinks in
people's faces I mean I don't think I've
ever seen her finish a beverage and the
way she's slaps people all the time
wouldn't you love to do that just once
I'll do
it and she's been on the show forever
it's going to be really hard to fill her
shoes yeah yeah help me out here when
you when you come out of the brain
[Music]
transplant you are going to be her yes
but in Drake R's body
why is this so hard for you to get I
thought you were a scientist you see
Monica U actually I think she went to
the salon oh yeah oh she went to the
salon all right check it
[Applause]
out whose day just got
better
JK hey
ah what do you think I think I think I
can see your scalp
don't you just love it yeah yeah you got
shellfish in your
head it's size something you go
girlfriend you never said that in your
life have you not once I
found and listen to
this what do you know it's a treat for
the eyes and the
ears oh I can't wait for everyone at
work to see these
ow you go back to work tomorrow night
right yeah so if you want people to see
them then by definition you're not
having them taken out say at the break
of
dawn well if I had them taken out then I
wouldn't be able to do
this you like that right
[Music]
what are you singing It's Valero from
tin it's Ride of the Valkyries from
Apocalypse
Now see here's the thing the cornrows
are really a solution to your frizzy
hair problem and now that we're home you
don't have that problem anymore so if
you think about it I hate
them what you said you like them did I
let's refresh I believe what I said was
that I could see your
scalp fine say they don't like them
everybody else does again let's Journey
back as I recall what Rachel said was
she had never noticed the shape of your
skull before and
Joey well Joey didn't realize it was
anything
different you know what I don't care I
like it like this and and I'm going to
keep it you're just jealous because your
hair can't do
this
ow get yourself in the tooth and the eye
honey you've been in there for a long
time is everything
okay not
really I have a
problem
really what
happened well I was dancing around and
singing No Woman No
Cry
and I got
stuck you can't move at all oh I can
move if I untangle you will you please
get rid of the cornrows I guess
so some of these look a little afraid
yeah I I tried to gnaw myself
free got to pick a pocket or two
boys you've got to pick a pocket for
[Music]
lovely just lovely really thanks listen
Joey we definitely want to see you for
the call back on Saturday
excellent I'll be there okay and listen
don't forget to bring your jazz shoes
for the dance
audition my uh my agent said that it
wasn't a dancing part oh Joey all the
rolls got to dance a little
but believe me with your dance
background it'll be a piece of cake 3
years of modern dance with twiler
Tharp 5 years with the American Ballet
Theater hey everybody lies on their
resume okay I wasn't one of the zoom
kids
either well can you like dance at all
yeah I can dance you know
oh no no no
no what what is that sure it looks
stupid now there's no music
[Music]
playing uh Joey Joey
triani listen Joey I got a problem I
just got a call from my dance Captain
he's having a relationship crisis and
can't get out of Long Island so does
that mean the audition's off listen Joey
seeing as you've got the most
experience I want you to take these
dances and teach him the
combination what oh Joey come on it's
easy you know it's hand hand head head
up
out big turn here
ride step step and jazz
hands it says steep step and jazz
hands have
fun
bye all right let's do it
[Applause]
no no
no what was
that I know it's the best I could get
out of
them well people people people
people let's try it again and this time
let's everybody watch
Joey show him how it's done
count it off
[Music]
M didn't you say that there was um an
elevator in here uh yes I did but there
isn't okay here we
go okay go left left left you know what
there's no more left
left okay you uh lift it straight up
over your head straight up over your
head you can do it you can do it okay
you got it good good good yeah you got
it right you got it right you
got any chance you think the couch looks
good there Hey Joe what's up bad news I
watched the tape and passed along to my
bosses and they weren't
interested
oh sorry
man but uh you watch the tape yeah I I I
I liked
it but uh my bosses didn't go for it
stupid sons of
[ __ ] you didn't watch the
tape what of course I did look it's one
thing not to cast me but to lie to me
I'm not lying to you I watched it well
you lied again I watched it keep going
Pinocchio
I did no you didn't I'm telling you I
watched the
tape did you watch the tape
[Applause]
[Music]
no can't believe Joey I hate being
called a liar but you are a
liar what did I just
say you still here yes and I have to say
I am not just hurt I am insulted when I
tell somebody I did something okay hold
let me just stop you right there okay
first you lied right then you lied about
lying okay then you lied about lying
about lying okay so before you lie about
lying about lying about lying about
lying stop
lying why are you so sure I didn't watch
this tape you want to know why you want
to know
why well this is going
well here's how I know you didn't watch
the tape okay if you had seen what was
on this tape believe me you would have
some comments all right now remember I
got paid a lot of money for this and it
only aired in
Japan
Ichibon Ichibon lipstick for
[Music]
men ity Bon lipstick for
meno and that's how I know you didn't
watch the
tape he really is a chameleon
[Music]
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