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you know what I'm thinking oh
okay
how it's been so long since you've had
sex you're wondering if they've changed
it no although now that's what I'm
thinking all right so what were you
thinking well I was thinking that you
gave the guy Such Great Haircuts I
thought maybe you'd like to do mine oh
no
why not because I'm just I'm incredibly
anal and an unbelievable control freak
no you're not I know I'm not but you are
and I was trying to spare your
feelings you know it's funny last time
Paula was here my hair was so much
shorter and cuter all right okay but but
you have to promise that you will not be
all like controlly and bossy and all you
know Monica about
it I promise all right let's see now
some of you are going to get cut and
some of you
aren't but I promise none of you will
feel a
[Music]
thing all right that's it I Quit what I
just didn't say anything yeah but this
isn't the face of a person who trusts a
person okay this is the face of a person
who you know doesn't trust a
person I'm sorry sorry phoe it's just
well just a little shorter than what we
had discussed would you relax I know
what I am doing this is how he wears
it how who wears it Dei
Moore Dei MO is not a he well he was a
he in Arthur and in
Dan that's Dudley Moore I said I wanted
it like demore oh oh oh my God oh God oh
my God oh my God I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm
sorry which one is demore she's the
actress there was in disclosure and
decent proposal ghost oh oh she's got
Gorgeous Hair I
how is
she it's too soon to
tell she's resting which is a good
sign how's the hair I'm not going to lie
to you Ross it doesn't look
good I put a clip on one side which
seems to have stopped the
curling well can we see you your hair
looks too good I think it would upset
her Ross why don't you come on in your
boyfriend has been in there for over an
hour can't believe it it's like I'm
living with him again he's here when I
go to sleep he's here when I wake up
he's here when I want to use the shower
feel like I'm 16 all over again well
you're not 16 you're both adults now get
out you
doofers or you know he's rubber in your
glue all
yours I hope you cleaned your hair out
of the drain I hope you came your hair
out of
the shut up
shut cut it out me me
[Music]
me I've never wanted you
more I want to watch Entertainment
Tonight tough nuggies were watching
predators of the serengetti
would you guys stop it's my TV what uh
quit it
bite me oh my god well Mica keeps
changing the channel a that's great why
don't you tell Mommy on
me now I'm mommy in this little play all
right look I refuse to get sucked into
this like weird little Geller dimension
thing okay so I'm going to go and take a
nice long hot bubble bath because you
kids are driving me
crazy I want you to take a piece of
paper here you go and write down your
most embarrassing memory oh and I do ask
that when you're not using the markers
you put the Caps back on them because
they will dry
out listen you guys um I don't mean to
be a pain about this but um I've noticed
that some of you are just placing them
on you want to push the
Caps until you hear them
click Gunther where are you going I um
was sort of thinking about maybe no
no you can't go no this is fun come on
we're just getting started here here's
your
marker listen if you want to go just go
no she'll yell at me
again all right I can get you out
what in a minute I'm going to create a
diversion when I do walk quickly to the
door and don't look
back okay the first person's most
embarrassing memory is Monica your party
sucks all right very
funny oh no oh did someone forget to use
a coaster
what I don't see
anything great I'm sing water rings
again okay she's taking the trash out so
I can get you you out of here but it has
to be now she'll be back any minute what
about my friend Victor no only the three
of you any more than that and she'll get
suspicious all right let me just get my
coat there isn't
time just leave everything they'll take
care of you next
door is it true they have
beer everything you've heard is
true could you guys please try to keep
it down we're trying to start a bosle
tournament
you and you you're supposed to be my
party and
gun what are you doing here
um hey welcome to the
pH phie all right I'm sorry but these
people needed me you know they work hard
all week it's Saturday night they
deserve to have a little fun
go you know my party is fun I mean maybe
it's a little quieter less obvious sort
of fun but you know if people would just
give it a chance it's
so you made the Ved again I told you you
don't have to do that this isn't Camp oh
then I guess the panty raid last night
was totally uncalled
for okay I am going to take a shower and
today I will be singing Jim Koch's Leroy
Brown
Monica hey man I have a question is
Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn
town or the fattest man in the whole
damn town the baddest otherwise the song
would be fat fat Leroy Brown
what are you
doing I'm just waiting for you
sweetie are you remaking the bed I'm
sorry I'm sorry you know what the way
you did it it was just fine then you're
redoing it because if I tell you you'll
think I'm crazy you're pretty much
running that risk either way
is
off did you just break the radiator no
no I was turning the knob and and here
it
is well put it
back it uh it won't go back I'll call
the super here let me try oh oh that's
right I forgot about your ability to
fuse
metal hey it's Funny's cousin not funny
hi Mr trigger hi it's Rachel Green from
upstairs yes somebody uh broke our kn
knob on the radiator and it's really hot
in
here yes it's it's hot enough to bake
cookies well do you think we could have
a new one by
six what no no Tuesday we can't wait
until Tuesday we're having a party
tonight okay tip the man no if he
doesn't like our cookies too bad I'm not
going to be blackmailed look if worse
comes to worse it gets a little warm
we'll call it a theme party hey here's a
theme come on in live like bacon we've
only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left
move move move Monica I feel like you
should have German
subtitles Joey speed it up I'm sorry
it's the pigs they're reluctant to get
in the
blankets Monica how did this happen I
thought you had this all planned out do
you want me to
cry is that what you want do you want to
see me cry sir no sir
all right you what no look I told you I
am not a part of this thing all right
look Ross I realize that you have issues
with carolly and Susan and I feel for
you I do but if you don't help me cook
I'm going to take a bunch of those
little hot dogs and create a new
appetizer called pigs and
Ross all right ball of melon hey how
come I'm stuck dicing when he gets to
ball of melon oh my God hey what okay
I'm at work it's an orary day you know
chop chop chop sauté sauté
sauté all of a sudden Leon the manager
calls me into his office turns out they
fire the head lunch chef and guess who
got the job if it's not you this is a
horrible
story fortunately it is me and they made
me head of purchasing thank you very
much
so anyway I just ran into Chandler and
was downstairs and they think we should
go out and celebrate you know some place
nice
that place nice how much you think I can
get for my kidney all right Monica if
there is something that you would like
to share you know you had no right to go
out with him that is the most ridiculous
you sld me out I did not sell you
absolutely sold me
talk did you just flick
me okay well you wouldn't let me finish
and I
was ow that hurt
quit flicking ow you flicking you
flicked me first D
[Music]
it let's not do
[Music]
this okay now I'm going to kick some a
all right now I will let go if you both
stop what do you you want me to stop
seeing him is that what you want uh-huh
you want me to just call him up and tell
him that you're seeing him instead is
that what you want
okay oh that's what you want
yes fine fine
there we
go H you know what if we were in prison
you guys would be like my
[Applause]
hey you feeling better yeah I
think that fifth shower actually got the
interview off
me so do you have any other
possibilities oh yeah well there is the
possibility that I won't make rent if
you want I can lend you some money no no
no cuz if I couldn't pay you back right
away then I'd feel guilty and tense
every time I saw you oh okay well then
why don't you uh why don't you borrow it
from Mom and Dad you feel guilty and
tense around them already you might as
well make some money off of
[Music]
them hi hi hi darling so what's this
some of your old stuff well sweetie we
have a surprise for you we're turning
your room into a
gym wow that is a surprise
just one little question uh why not
Ross's room gosh we talked about that
but your brother has so many science
trophies and plaques and merit badges
well we didn't want to disturb them oh
God
forbid you know that Stephie graph has
quite a
tush I'm just saying it's right
there hey guys hi darling 's my grandson
you didn't bring him no he's at the
Carol's and Susan's today a woman in my
office is a
lesbian I'm just
saying oh Jack look there's that house
Bank commercial that cracks you
up where have you been emotional hell so
did they lend you the money yet no but
that's probably cuz I haven't asked them
yet come on Monica do it hey you guys um
Monica has some
news um yeah so uh listen I'm sorry I
didn't tell you this before but um I I'm
no longer at my job I I had to leave it
why because they made
me you were
fired what are you going to do Judy Judy
relax this is our little harmonica we're
talking about we taught her well 10% of
your paycheck where does it go the bank
the
bank there you go so she dips into her
savings that's what it's there for she's
going to be fine and if you need a
little extra you know where to find it
anything larger back
there okay here you go you can pay me
back whenever you
like you have dinosaur
checks yeah yeah I mean you get your
money and you learn a little something
what's wrong with that nothing nothing
hey you're a cheapos
surus no kidding no kidding thank you
I'm very grateful hey M what is
this oh um that was my bathing suit from
high school I was a little bigger then
Oh I thought that's what they used to
cover Connecticut when it
rained the whole evening was pretty much
a bust yeah we we really missed you guys
yeah look uh we were just saying this
whole thing is so stupid we just have to
really really really not let stuff like
this about money get like is that a
hickey no I just I fell
down on someone's
lips where'd you get the hickey you know
a party or what party well it it wasn't
a party so much as a a gathering of
people with food and music and and and
and the
band you partied with hoodie and the
Blowfish yes apparently Stevie and
Hoodie are like
this who gave you that
hickey that would be the work of a
blowfish hey how much did you guys tip
the super this year yeah we were going
to give 50 but if you guys gave more we
don't want to look bad oh actually this
year we just made him homemade
cookies and 25 it
is you gave him cookies money is so
impersonal cookie says someone really
cares all right we're broke but cookies
do say
that I can see that I played a brownies
once told me a
limi peep let me ask you something were
these uh funny
brownies not
especially but you know what I think
they had pot in
them so you guys who else did you tip
with cookies
uh the mailman the
super oh and the newspaper delivery
guy oh my God what I don't think you're
going to like
this oh gosh oh there's a cookie smashed
in the sports
section oh look can he did my crossword
puzzle yeah but not very well unless 14
across gerswin musical actually is bite
me bite me bite me bite me give me back
my sweater or tan bag
marinara you don't have the guts oh yeah
well at least I wasn't too chicken to
tell some guy I thought he was
cute oh all right stop stop the
madness this is crazy who can even
remember why you started fighting in the
first place she
knew yes that's
right but still I look at your
purse look at your
sweater look at
yourselves I'll help you fix your
sweater I'll help you throw out your
purse
I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing
him well I'm sorry I went out with him
when I knew you liked
him I'm sorry that I borrowed your
gloves hey Monica we got a question all
right for the zillionth time yes I see
other women in the shower at the gym and
no I don't
look oh not that one we're trying to
figure out who to bring to the Knicks
game tonight we have an extra ticket
yeah Ross can't go so it's between
between my friend Eric Prower who has
breath issues and Dan with the poking
did you see that play do you want some
more beer is that LE
okay why don't you ask
Richard okay uh hey Richard if you had
an extra ticket to the Knicks
game and you had to choose between a
friend who's smelled and one who bruises
you who would you pick wow
well being a huge Nicks fan myself I
think you should take someone who's a
huge Nicks
fan okay that's
Eric glad to be of help
matches I meant why don't you take
Richard to the
game
what I don't know come on he keeps his
fingers to himself and he's always minty
fresh I Know Rich it's really nice and
everything it's just so we don't know
him really well you know and plus he's
you know
old or than some
people but uh younger than some
buildings you okay Ross I don't
know what's in this pie I don't know um
butter and eggs and flour and lime and
kiwi kiwi
kiwi you said it was a key lime pie no I
didn't I said kiwi lime that's what
makes it so special that's what's going
to kill
me I'm allergic to Kiwi no you're not
you're you're allergic to Lobster and
peanuts
and oh my God uh it's definitely getting
worse okay all right is your tongue
swelling up either that of my mouth is
getting
smaller all right get your coat we're
going to go to the hospital is he going
to be okay yeah he's just got to get get
a shot oh you know you know actually
it's getting better it is it is let's
not go anyone up for
Scrabble Jack it now but what what about
Ben we can't bring a baby to the
hospital we'll watch
him I don't think
so what I have seven Catholic sisters
I've taken care of hundreds of
kids come on we want to do it don't we
well I was looking forward to playing
basketball but I guess that's out the
window
okay well if you do take out for a walk
just remember bring his hat okay and
there's extra milk in the fridge and
extra diapers in the bag hat milk got
it
okay a th a throw throw a throw
throw consider it done you understood
that yeah my uncle s has a really big
tongue is she the one with the beautiful
wife
[Music]
well there's no way I'm going to get a
shot maybe they can take the needle and
squirt it into my mouth you know like
like a squirt
gun hello there hi I'm Dr Carlin I see
someone's having a little allergic
reaction yes doctor can I see you for
just a moment
please my brother um has a slight phobia
about needles did you tell him about my
my squirt gun idea
my brother the PHD would like to know if
there's any way to treat this orally no
under these circumstances it has to be
an injection and it has to be
now
oh all right that's good have the seats
um doctor says it's got to be a needle
so you're just going to have to be brave
okay can you do that for
me okay okay oh boy you doing so
good you want to squeeze my hand yes
okay all right Ross don't squeeze it so
hard honey really don't squeeze it so
hard I hold my
hand are you sure he didn't break it cuz
it really hurts no it's just a good bone
bruise and right here is the puncture
wound from your
ring I'm sorry I'm really sorry sorry
sorry so sorry hey hey I got my asses
back which we can celebrate
later
Cate I just want to thank you for being
there for me today and I'm sorry I I
almost broke your hand well that's okay
I'm sorry I poisoned
you hey remember the time I jammed that
pencil into your hand remember it what
do you think this is a
freckle wait what about the time that I
hit you in the face with sylvan's
pumpkin oh man well remember when I I
stuck that broom in your bike Spokes and
you flipped over and hit your head on
the curb no but I remember people
telling me about
it the H Ben has a little sister yeah
and I hope she can kick his ass
I'm going to get a new
Bandit hey how about the time I cut the
legs off your Malibu can that was
you uh they were infected he wouldn't
have made
it you can't go shopping with her what
about Rachel this is going to be a
problem isn't it oh come on you're going
to Bloomingdales with Julie it's like
cheating on Rachel in her house of
worship Monica she will kill you
she will kill you like a dog in the
street so uh Jules tells me you guys are
going shopping tomorrow oh yeah um it's
actually not that big a deal in fact
it's a big deal to me this is great
Monica I really appreciate this you're
welcome
[Applause]
[Music]
hey hey where is everybody they took B
to the park Where Have You Been Just out
had some lunch just me little quality
time with me hey thanks for your jacket
oh no problem you can borrow it by the
way oh here your keys time
okay M mhm if uh you were at lunch alone
how come it cost you uh
$53 you know what probably
happened someone must have stolen my
credit
card and sort of just put the receipt
back in your
pocket that is an excellent excellent
question that is
excellent Monica what's with you who did
you have lunch with Judy who Julie what
Jodie
you were with Julie oh look when it
started I was just trying to be nice to
her because she was my brother's
girlfriend and then one thing led to
another and before I knew it we
were
shopping oh my
God honey wait we only did it once
it didn't mean anything to me yeah yeah
right really sure Rachel I was thinking
of you the whole
time
look I'm sorry all right I I never meant
for you to find out oh please please you
wanted to get caught that is not true so
you just sort of happened to leave it in
here did it ever occur to you that I
might just be that stupid
okay Monica I just have to know one
[Music]
thing did you go with her to
[Music]
[Applause]
Bloomingdales
okay
okay okay I just really um I just really
need to not be with you right
now okay
what is it about me do I not look fun
enough is there something repellent
about
me so how was the party well it couldn't
have been worse a woman literally passed
through me okay so what is it am I
hideously unattractive no you are not
you are very attractive you know what I
go through the exact same thing every
time I put on a little weight I start
questioning
everything whoa whoa I I I put on a
little weight did you
want no not weight you know more like
insulation Chandler I'm unemployed in
dire need of a project you want to work
out I can remake you oh you know I would
but that might get in the way of my
lying around time please come
on all right okay all right but if we
put on spandex my boobs are bigger than
yours I'm going
home your boobs are fine look I never
should have said anything come here come
here oh can't make hands
meat okay let's do
it what nothing just never seen your
little stretchy pants
before and we're changing
hey
hey man
yeah come on give me five more five
more five more and I'll flash you
one
two Jun half
okay just show me one of
them ow ow ow ow ow ow owow ow
ow ow ow ow ow
ow she's insane the woman is insane it's
before work it's after work it's during
work she's got me doing butt clenches at
my
desk and now they won't bring me my mail
anymore
[Applause]
Monica it's 6:30 in the morning we're
not working out it's
over no way with one pound to go come on
we're working we're moving we're in this
Z we're
grooving okay I don't I don't mind the
last pound okay in fact I kind of like
the last pound okay so don't make me do
anything that I'll
regret what you going to do fat boy
huh
what nothing except tell you uh I think
it's wonderful how much energy you have
well thanks I mean especially
considering how tough it's been for you
to find
work you
know you know I mean you can't tell your
parents you were fired because they'd be
disappointed
uh-huh and it's not as if you have a
boyfriend's shoulder to cry
on well no but I I mean if it were me I
think I'd have difficulty just getting
out of bed at all
you know I try to stay
positive so
you you feel like going for a
run all right because you know you don't
have to if you want you could just take
a nap right
here
okay just for a little while okay
she
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
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