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hey oh my God can you believe we're
surrounded by all this I can barely
control myself Monica you might want to
remember that you're married where is
Chandler anyway oh my God
Chandler where the hell is
everybody why don't you like me
chapter one my first
period Well I bet you're all thinking
that now would be a really great time
for an intermission huh oh yes God
yes well you're not going to get one cuz
in life there are no intermissions
people now chapter seven divorce is a
four-letter
word how could he leave me
I I don't know you seem lovely I
sincerely hope the rest of your party is
returning nah just me all
alone dinner for 6 for
one well you boys are about to see
something really special
how is everything sir excellent the
Shrew in particular was
Exquisite well I hope you've got some
room left happy birthday to you happy
birthday to you happy birthday dear Joey
Joey
joy happy birthday to you this the best
birthday ever
oh it's a gift certificate to this new
Spa in SoHo oh well you can't show
Phoebe this she hates those corporate
massage chains oh what now I can't get a
massage there are so many things that
she disapproves of I can't eat ve I
can't wear fur I can't go
hunting do you want to go hunting well I
would like to have the
option what's up hey
Rachel no you can't go there do you know
how I feel about these big massage
places they're putting people like me
out of business she wants to go hunting
too bab come on I don't want to waste it
it would be like throwing away a hundred
bucks okay this is not about the money
okay it's it's about it's about
corporate greed destroying our hearts
and leaving us Hollow
shells I don't care about any of that
well do you care about friendship I feel
really strongly about this Rachel please
don't use this gift certificate I'm
asking you as a friend oh not as a
friend
V fine I won't use it promise I promise
thank you well I am going
[Music]
hunting hi there hello welcome to
Lavender Days bar how may I help you oh
um hi I'm uh I have a massage
appointment under Rachel Green okay and
here is my gift
certificate this has been torn up and
taped back
together okay well I'll call you as soon
as your massage therapist is ready okay
have a seat through the glass doors
through the glass doors
through the glass
doors Al righty
then Phoebe your next client's in the
waiting room okay do we have to talk
like that when they're not
around oh oh no no no listen is there
someone who can fill in for me sorry
everyone is booked but that woman can't
know that I work here she's a friend of
mine and I made this big stink about how
awful these massage chains are then why
do you work here cuz it's good
money that doesn't change the fact that
this is an evil blood sucking corporate
machine well I think this is a great
place to
work okay are they listening
hello
yah it's time for your massage yah put
put your face in the
hole w a Swedish massage from a real
Swedish
person okay then I'm
Swedish so what's your name it's a
normal Swedish name Ikea
what an interesting name yeah you know
I'm time for your scalp
massage wow I really love
your is something wrong no it's just um
just feels so good
Ikea oh hey say you'll know this what's
the capital of
Sweden um
Stockholm damn I wish I knew if that was
[Music]
right and Streep and bloy
gloy and that's the Swedish national
anthem thank you for
asking wow
Ikea what a rich
culture um you know what I have a a
friend who's a massuse oh yeah yeah yeah
she's uh not very good though
uh-huh
uh-huh and why do you think that is I
don't know maybe it's because she's got
such callously fingers from playing
crummy
[Laughter]
guitar or maybe she has trouble
loosening your knots because you're such
a high maintenance tight ass maybe you
know it's me well for like a half an
hour man you can lie about
Sweden how how can you come here how
could you not tell me you worked here I
don't have to tell you everything yes
you do if you're going to make me feel
guilty for getting a free massage tips
not included
oh baby why did you lie to me about
working here because I was ashamed okay
I sold out for the cash and they they
give me back benefits like medical and
dental and a for a
[Laughter]
wonk but you know you pay a price now
I'm this corporate stooge and and
punching a clock and paying
taxes honey if you hate it so much you
should walk out there right now and quit
be true to what you believe in honey you
have principles and I so admire that I
don't have
any you know what you're right I am
going to quit it's time I took my life
back good for you phebs
okay if you guys have microphones in
there too I didn't mean any of
that I love you
[Music]
good morning Phoebe good morning
receptionist here's your schedule for
the day your first client is in room
number one Rachel Green son of a
she came
back are you ready for your Scottish
massage put your face in the hole
iie this may sting just a little bit
please I have an exper extremely high
threshold holy mother of God oh my face
my
face I'm all right I'm all right I'm all
right just a uh bit of shock is all but
uh I'll be fine you can go again I'm
okay
damn it woman
no hey hun would you help me get the
plates down yeah hey here's an idea why
don't we use our wedding China today I
think we should save our China for
something really special like if the
Queen of England comes
over honey she keeps cancelling on us
take the
hint what if something gets broken
they're so expensive what is the point
of having them if we never use
them okay but if something gets broken
and then the queen comes over I will
explain it to her oh yeah like I'm going
to let you talk to the
queen W the parade is really good this
year man those horses can
crap next up is a marching band from MSI
Oklahoma MSI that's like 4 hours from
Tulsa
woohoo and here's the float with the
stars of the popular daytime soap Days
of Our Lives
oh my
God aren't you one of the stars that
popular daytime self Days of Our Lives
yeah I forgot I'm supposed to be
there I can't believe I forgot I usually
write stuff like this down on my
arm oh stupid long
sleeves what are you going to do I guess
I'm going to have to come up with a
really good reason why I wasn't there
the producers are going to be so mad at
me they sat us all down yesterday and
said everyone has to be there 6: a.m.
sharp that means you
trivani like I was some kind of
idiot well you prove them
wrong so how is this a big double date
tonight oh my
God o great just the reaction I was
hoping
for yeah so you uh you found someone for
me you didn't forget of course not and
you are going to love Mary Ellen she's
really smart and cute and funny and I
can't tell you how I know this but she
is not opposed to
threesim yeah so tell me some about my
guy
no come on give me something what's his
name Mike Mike yeah okay what's his last
name damn it is there no mystery left in
Romance anymore
more all right we'll see you and Mike at
the restaurant in a couple hours all
right great all right see you
byebye why did I have to say Mike I
don't know Mike why couldn't I
said there's no guys in
there so
welcome I got beer I got bottled breast
milk H why don't we start with the beer
okay
so um Phoebe tells me you uh you play
piano yeah you know I I used to uh play
keyboards in college H do you have one
here
no okay
um uh you know I'm
divorced um Phoebe Phoebe says you
you've been divorced
yeah yeah I'm I'm sorry I don't I don't
really like to talk about
it that's okay well we'll talk about
something else
so you're a a paleontologist right yeah
my cousin's a paleontologist
huh well he and I would probably have a
lot to talk about hey hey I was just
going to get something to eat you want
something what you
got okay let's see we got strain peas
strained carrots ooh strained plums we
haven't tried that yet good
thanks so how is it living with Rachel
again I mean apart from the great
food I'm fine I'm fine it's just it's
just weird what's happening with her and
Ross you know yesterday he asked me to
fix them up with somebody oh my God
Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her
too why are they doing this I don't know
they so perfect for each other it's
crazy you know what's crazy these jars
what is it like two bites in here
I just wish they'd realize they should
be together I know I know and when they
move back in together I figure you know
that's where things were had it I know
they should be a family they should get
married and have more children yes and
they should name one of their kids
Joey hey well I may not have kids
someone's going to carry on the family
name all I ever wanted was to just love
him and have him love me back I mean am
I so
unlovable wow I
[Applause]
know thank you so much for letting me do
this public bathrooms freak me out I
can't even pee let alone do anything
else but what's great is you don't mind
talking about
it so amazing that I met you on the same
day that Eric broke up with me cuz it's
like you lose a boyfriend and you get a
boyfriend
uh-huh no no no don't worry this is not
some re B thing I am totally over
Eric
pH good choice for
us I don't I don't know what's going to
happen with Stevie and David I do want a
hint
huh I
do I
do okay I'm sensing this is some kind of
word play because you are pink with
barely controlled
David's going to propose to Phoebe
what
why because we were talking about ways
that he could beat Mike and I told him
that Phoebe wanted to get married tler
we have talked about this you are not
supposed to give people
advice now couldn't you have made some
sort of inappropriate joke I did a penis
one just so I know what was so wrong
about what I said they've only been
going out for a few weeks Phoebe is
completely hung up on Mike she'll say no
David's heart will be broken it'll be
too hard for them to recover from and
then febe will end up alone
again man that's some bad advice well I
should be involved in that so why don't
you get me up to spe that's going to
take weeks why don't you just let me
take care of the presentation oh no no
no no I see what you're doing here all
right listen this is my job buddy okay
I've had it for 5 years and I know how
it works so why don't you just catch me
up fine
oh God I totally messed with the back
support on my chair how do you fix this
hey you've been here 5 years you figure
it out fine I
will all right fill me
in when you get home tomorrow night you
and I are going to be at the Wizards
Nicks game Courtside court side oh my
God yeah maybe Michael Jordan Will dive
for the ball and break my jaw with his
knee that is so cool I'll let Monica
know hello Joey just called he's got
Courtside Nicks tickets for him and me
tomorrow night really but tomorrow
night's the only night I get off from
the restaurant if you go to the game
then we won't have a night together for
a another week but how's Courtside the
cheerleaders are going to be right
in that's not the way to convince
you tayor look I don't want to be one of
those wives that says you can't go to
the game you have to spend time with me
so if you you could just realize it on
your
own I I know you're right I want to see
you
too I just got to figure out a way to
tell Joey you know he's really looking
forward to this tell him that you
haven't seen your wife in a long time
tell him that having a longdistance
relationship is really difficult tell
him that what little time we have
together is is
precious I'll think of
something I need you to set me up for a
joke later when Monica's around I need
you to ask me about fir trucks
I I don't know Chan I'm not so good with
remembering
lines well thank God your livelihood
doesn't depend on I know
right why why why why are we doing this
Monica says that her matri D is the
funniest guy she's ever met seriously
she actually said that yes am I crazy to
be this upset no being funny is your
thing yeah without that you just got
lame with women yeah
hi there you are fire
trucks hi Hey listen I wanted to ask you
something about marriage oh great now
you're seeking me out to make jokes I
mean I can see if we're all hanging out
but to come to my home no oh I really
want to know how you feel about it why
Mike doesn't ever want to get
married never
never wow well you still going to move
in with him well I want to but I just
wanted you to tell me that marriage
really isn't that big a deal you know
that I won't I won't be missing out on
anything that marriage
stinks yeah marage
stinks I mean if you want to see a man
gain weight and a woman Stop Shaving get
him
married that's not how you really feel
is it no I'm
sorry look I I know it's not what you
want to hear right now but I can't help
it I I love marriage see seriously you
divorce if you have to call me a name I
prefer Ross the divorcer it's just
cooler look look I know my marriages
didn't exactly work out but you know I I
loved being that committed to another
person and Carol and I had some good
times before she became a lesbian and
once
afterward anyway I'm I'm
sorry it's okay that's how you feel
but come on I mean living together will
be great I mean you guys have so much
fun and you love Mike I do love Mike
yeah see and you were so excited about
moving in together before and you know
what you should be it's a big
deal yeah I guess you're
right yeah thanks this helped thanks the
divorcer to the
rescue it's not cooler yeah I just heard
it everybody has ordered I would like to
start the celebration and make a
toast to
Phoebe she dropped your sock a
what no Emma dropped her sock Mom's here
I wanted to have lunch with her today
she told me she was out of
town she still has not noticed that the
baby sock is on the ground it's a good
toast will you please get her attention
oh Mommy
oh for God's sake Judy pick up the sock
pick up the sock pick up the
sock I'm sorry was that rude Ross I'm so
glad someone's here could you zip me
up sure thank you can you believe no one
between my apartment and here offered to
do that for me
people so uh why you so dressed up oh um
Mike's picking me up for a date oh yeah
now how's that going is it getting
serious I don't know I don't know I mean
you know I like him but you know am I
ready to take my grade A loins off the
meat market I'm not quite
sure you know I I really admire your
your whole dating attitude it's so
healthy I'm always he like is this
moving tooo fast is this moving too slow
where where is this going yeah I know
you are a bit of a drama
queen well you you're so much better off
you know you just go from guy to Guy
having fun and not worrying that it
never turns into anything
serious I would say
never you know there was that
guy okay well what
about okay well there's got to be
someone there isn't that's what I'm
saying
oh my God you're right I know and yet
here you are all ready for the next
date I can't believe I never realized
this before I'm in my 30s and I've never
been in a long-term
relationship oh my God what's wrong with
me no no no
no I'm there's there's nothing wrong
with you I mean you don't strike me as
the type of person that wants to get
married anyway I want to get
married God please please don't cry
because of me I I don't know what I'm
talking about okay I've been divorced
three times yeah well at least you've
been married oh my God I want to trade
lives with
Ross owe you an apology for what well
when we first met you know I thought you
were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious
is this your first
apology no I just mean that you know
first impressions don't mean anything
and I I I think you're a really good guy
and I'm sorry that I misjudged you good
morning you know what hey new day new
Leaf I am just really really
happy I'm sorry obviously Heather's ass
has something more important to say so
I'll just wait till it's
finished what I was giving you an
apology and you were totally checking
her out I wasn't checking her out I'm in
fashion I was looking at her skirt
or was it pants I didn't really see what
happened below the ass
area oh well you are really you're
really a creep what do you even care if
I was looking at her are you jealous oh
yeah I'm jealous oh Gavin please please
look at my
ass stop looking at my
ass I mean I just think you are totally
inappropriate okay this is a work
environment she's your subordinate but
it was okay when you slept with your old
assistant
tag that is totally different for two
reasons
one I didn't know that you knew
that and
two I wasn't some creep staring at his
ass we had a we had a deep meaningful
relationship huh what was Tag's last
name it
was oh my
God he he did he he didn't have have a
last name I got a job in
advertising honey that's incredible gosh
what's the pay
like oh come on
people come on now if I don't know who
makes the most how do I know who I like
the most hi
Joey well actually it pays nothing it's
an internship oh that's cool we have
interns at Days of Our Lives right so
it'll be the same except less sex with
you
so uh what kind of stuff do you think
they'll have you do there well it's a
training program but at the end they
hire the people they like that's great
yeah I mean there's probably going to be
some grunt work which will probably
stink you know grown man getting people
coffee is a little
humiliating humiliating and
Noble thank
you you know if if I don't already have
a job I I think I would have been really
good in advertising Ross you did not
come up with got milk yes I did I
did I should have written it
down rich I promise first thing tomorrow
we'll find another doctor but I got to
get up early and I'm not feeling all
that well what where what what when
you're not feeling well what do you have
is it reubel because Don't Go Near Emma
she has not had that
shot you know come to think of it it it
does feel rubella like
[Music]
weer Wier weer weener
Rachel right now he's going to know it
was me excited I just set Rachel up with
the worst guy tonight all right who is
he well it's this guy used to massage
and by massage I mean hold down so he
wouldn't turn over and Flash
me okay C why do you hear who I got for
Ross oh yeah okay she's this really
boring woman she's a
teacher a teacher yeah yeah she's really
into history and foreign movies oh oh
and she loves puzzles huh come on who
loves
puzzles well Ross
does you you're ruining the plan Joey
you you you fixed him up with his
perfect woman oh my God you're right
yeah she even reads for
pleasure so all right which dress
you can say neither oh God neither
neither I'm sorry honey we're going to
take you shopping it's going to be fine
yeah totally you are in such good hands
and I'm so good with meeting parents
with the father you know you want to
flirt a little bit but not in a gross
way just kind of like Oh Mr pencer I can
see where Wallace gets his good looks
you went out with Wallace pincer oh he
took the SATs for
me I knew you didn't get a
1400 well
duh so now what about with Mike's mom oh
well with the mother just just
constantly tell her how amazing her son
is take it from me moms love me Ross's
mom one time actually said I am like the
daughter that she never
had she said what that she's like the
daughter she never
had so you're up for Kino speaker yeah
who's making the decision professor
Sherman yeah meeting with him today know
he's a pretty tough guy to impress yeah
well I think I know how to Dazzle him oh
you're not going to do a magic trick are
you
no the data we're receiving from MRI
scans and DNA testing of these fossils
are are staggering mhm I mean we've been
accepting dates as as a given but if
they're off by even a 100,000 years or
so then you can you can just throw most
of our assumptions you know right in the
trash so so what I'm saying is
is is
that is that uh
repercussions could could be huge I mean
not just in in paleontology but if you
think about it in in evolutionary
biology uh genetics uh geology I mean
truly the the Mind
boggles well that's not what you
[Music]
want lello Joey hey I need to talk to
Charlie is she there no she uh she went
shopping with Rachel why what's up well
I'm meeting with Professor Sherman about
my being the keynote speaker oh how's it
going it could be
better he um he fell asleep what but I
already bought my ticket to
Bermuda Barbados fine I'll rent the car
and
drive Ross you have to get that job what
am I supposed to do he's out cold in
fact he was just talking in his sleep
before and evidently he wants someone
named Fran to spank him
harder well just wake him up I can't if
he really realizes that I'm the one and
put him to sleep I won't get the job ooh
that's a tough one oh wait a minute this
happened to me before yeah I was
auditioning for a play and the producer
fell asleep I no wait a minute it was me
who fell
asleep yeah I mean hey Shakespeare how
about a chase scene once in a while
[Music]
w
oh my God you really want me to be the
keynote
speaker thank
you you're welcome
[Music]
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