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okay now just remember everything I
taught you and you'll be fine okay here
we go ready set wait this seat is really
uncomfortable but maybe before we start
we should just get another one perhaps
like an airplane seat or a bean bag
chair baby you can't get out of this
okay you have to learn how to ride a
bike why why do I have to
learn well in in case of an
emergency what kind of emergency well
what if a man comes along and puts a gun
to your head and says you ride this bike
or
I'll I'll shoot
you okay I would ring the bell to
distract him and then I would knock the
gun out of his hand with the Chinese
throwing
star okay phoei just just get get on the
bike and hey I'll hold you up and and
push you
okay you won't let go no you swear I
swear okay come
on all right here we go all right all
right all right feel good all right try
pedaling that's it you're doing great
you're doing great yes yes yes take
control
yes oh oh oh
no you score I I just thought you were
doing so well shot
[Laughter]
sh it's a legitimate learning
technique wasn't there a time when the
brightest Minds in the world believed
that the Earth was flat and up until
like what 50 years ago you all thought
the atom was the smallest thing until
you split it open and this like whole
mess of crap came
out now are you telling me that you are
so unbelievably arrogant that you can't
admit that there's a teeny tiny
possibility that you could be wrong
about
this there might
be a
teeny
tiny
possibility I can't believe you
caved what
you just abandon your whole belief
system no I mean before I didn't agree
with you but at least I respected
you no how how how are you going to go
into work tomorrow how how are you going
to face the other science guyses how how
are you going to face yourself
that was fun so who's hungry you got me
Taffy Taffy really I've never had any
ever well I think my mother was too busy
planning her suicide to provide
saltwater
treats thank
you so what are you just never going to
tell her oh no no no I will I just want
to butter her up first you know I'm
going to take her to an amazing
Valentine's dinner do all all this
romantic stuff and then just when she
thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the
world then I'm going to tell her that my
pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me
if I haven't said it before she's a
lucky lucky
lady so where are you going what the
mother of crap is up with this
stuff oh God it is it gum is it food
what what's the
deal oh it's nice may I try a pink one
you're on fire I know one more score to
go you can do it don't touch me don't
touch her all right go left go go right
go right I can I
can no you son of
[Music]
[Music]
a oh hi Ben no no don't look at the
machine every time I go to the dentist
somebody
dies that is so weird because every time
I go to the dentist I look down the
hygienist
blouse Phoebe what um what yeah yeah
first there was my Aunt Mary and then
there was um John my mailman and then my
my cowboy friend albino
Bob and all of these people actually
died yes while I was in the chair
that's why I take such good care of my
teeth now you know it's not about oral
hygiene I floss to save
lives fees come on you didn't kill
anybody these people just happen to die
when you went to the dentist it's it's
just a coincidence well tell that to
them oh you can't they're
dead hey Ross I'm so glad someone's here
could you zip me
up sure thank you can you believe no one
between my apartment in here offered to
do that for
me
people so uh why are you so dressed up
oh um Mike's picking me up for a date oh
yeah now how's that going is it getting
serious I don't know I don't know I mean
you know I like him but you know am I
ready to take my gray a loins off the
meat market I'm not quite
sure you know I I really admire your
your whole dating attitude it's so
healthy I'm always like is this moving
too fast is this moving too slow where
where is this going yeah you know you
are a bit of a drama
queen well you you're so much better off
you know you just go from guy to Guy
having fun and not worrying that it
never turns into anything
serious I would say
never you know there was that
guy okay well what
about okay well there's got to be
someone there isn't that's what I'm
saying
oh my God you're right I know and yet
here you are all ready for the next
date I can't believe I never realized
this before I'm in my 30s and I've never
been in a long-term
relationship oh my God what's wrong with
me no no no
no um there's there's nothing wrong with
you I mean you don't strike me as the
type of person that wants to get married
anyway want to get
married God please please don't cry
because of me I I don't know what I'm
talking about okay I've been divorced
three times yeah well at least you've
been married oh my God I want to trade
lives with
Ross and that should conclusively prove
that I had the idea for Jurassic Park
first let's take a
look oh my God what are you doing here I
need to talk to you it's pretty urgent
it's about Monica and Chandler oh my god
um of course of uh would you please
excuse me for a moment um do you know
each other's hometowns why don't
you what's going on well um not much but
I was just thinking that since those
guys just got engaged that maybe it'd be
nice if they had some privacy you know
so could I just move in with you for a
couple
days um okay yeah sure but what what's
wrong with Monica and Chandler nothing
why Phoebe you said it was urgent oh
yeah it is I'm going to the movies and
it starts in like 5
minutes do you realize I have a
classroom full of
students oh I'm sorry I'm so rude does
anyone want to come to the
movies hi Hey listen I wanted to ask you
something about marriage oh great now
you're seeking me out to make jokes I
mean I can see if we're all hanging out
but they come to my home no no I really
want to know how you feel about it why
Mike doesn't ever want to get
married never
never wow well you still going to move
in with him well I want to but I just
wanted you to tell me that marriage
really isn't that big a deal you know
that I won't I won't be missing out on
anything that marriage
stinks yeah marriage stinks
I mean if you want to see a man gain
weight and a woman Stop Shaving get him
married that's not how you really feel
is it no I'm
sorry look I I know it's not what you
want to hear right now but I can't help
it I I love marriage seriously you
divorce
o if you have to call me a name I prefer
Ross the divorcer it's just
cooler look look I know my marriages
didn't exactly work out but
you know I I loved being that committed
to another person and Carol and I had
some good times before she became a
lesbian and once
afterward anyway I'm I'm
sorry it's okay that's how you
feel but come on I mean living together
will be great I mean you guys have so
much fun and you love Mike I do love
Mike yeah see and you were so excited
about moving in together before and you
know what you should be it's a big
deal yeah I guess you're
right yeah thanks this helped thanks the
divorcer to the
rescue it's not cooler yeah I just heard
it be what's wrong I'm just so exhausted
from dragging around this huge
engagement
ring congratulations so did it get on
one knee did did he have a speech
prepared oh did he cry
yeah big surprise I like
proposals hi hey hey oh so um how'd you
make out last
night that that is funny that is
painfully funny no wait wait yeah that's
just
painful wait a minute I thought last
night was was great yeah it was but I
get home okay and I see Julie sailing
Solution on my night table and I'm
thinking to myself oh my God what the
hell am I doing I mean here I am I'm
with Julie this incredible great woman
who I care about and and who cares about
me and I'm like what am I just going to
throw all that away you got all that
from saline
solution wait a minut we're talking
about Rachel here you and Rachel oh
believe me I've been dreaming about me
and Rachel for like 10 years now but now
I'm with Julie you know so it's like me
and Julie me and Rachel me and Julie me
and ra Rachel
Rachel hey you how are you good how are
you good good hi Honey hi Julie hi
Julie
Julie um how are you good good so
everybody's
here everybody's
good so were you going to play something
phoei well actually I
did all right hey Julie I didn't know
you lenses
what okay um hi hello hi okay so um this
is a song um about a love triangle
between three people that I made
up um it's called um two of them kissed
last
night there was a girl we'll call her
Betty and and a guy let's call him
Neil now I can't stress this point too
strongly this story isn't
real now o Neal must decide who will be
the girl that he casts aside will Betty
be the one who he loves truly or will it
be the one who will call
louly he must decide he must decide even
though I made him up he must
decide you want a dinner tonight oh I
can't i' I've got a date with that
waitress Katie yeah I I know we've only
gone out like twice but I don't know I
have a really good feeling about her oh
I hear divorce
Bells all right just give me your wals
and there won't be a problem what I have
a gun okay just just relax Phoebe just
stay
calm oh my God I can't find my wallet
all right lady now give me your purse no
what do you mean no I knew you'd be my
death Phoebe
Buffet LOL is that you Phoebe oh my God
oh my God oh I'm sorry Ross this is my
old friend LOL from the
streets LOL Ross Ross nice to meet you
yeah a real
pleasure it's been so long oh so long I
can't believe you're still doing this ah
I know but I quit smoking good for you
so you look like you're doing really
well I guess your mugging days are
behind you oh oh my God Phi you used to
mug
people excuse me Ross I'm old friends
catching up I'm here ready to play I
brought a bunch of stuff for the house
so check it out ha
what's this that's a dog every house
should have a dog not one that can pee
on the
roof maybe it's so big because the house
was built on radioactive
waste and is this in case the house
sneezes no no that's the ghost for the
attic I don't want a ghost well nobody
wants a
ghost but you've got one because the
house is sitting on an ancient Indian
burial
ground wait a minute the house was built
on radioactive waste and an ancient
Indian burial
ground that would never happen sorry I
uh I scared you in there oh that's
okay by the way I was just checking the
shower massager yeah
hey tried to reach you at work there's
been a
fire what oh my oh my
God what happened well we believe it
originated
here in the aroma
room all right did everyone get out okay
well the draft's okay and so is the
pirate what is this no phbe don't look
you don't want to see what's under there
the the Foster puppets hey hey did
Rachel find you no why oh she was
looking for you oh well I guess I'll
catch up with you
later well she really want to talk to
you now yeah it uh seemed pretty
important oh
no
what I think I might know what this is
about
really yeah uh uh we promised we were
going to tell anybody this but
uh about a month ago uh Rachel and I
slept
together
and wellow I thought you'd be a little
more shocked uh oh sorry
and well we we said we' just do it that
one time but but now I I think she may
want to start things up again yeah I
don't think that's what it is found you
in my
bed how'd you wind up there you are a
mystery little black curly
hair little black curly hair little
black little black little black little
black little black curly hair
[Music]
thank now if you want to receive emails
about my upcoming shows then please give
me money so I can buy a
computer hey hey what have you guys been
up to oh we went to a self-defense class
today wow yeah kicking a guy in the
crotch all morning really takes it out
of
you takes it out of
you now now we can kick anybody's ass
yeah after one class I don't think so
what you want to see me self-defend
myself go over there and pretend you're
a sexual predator go on I dare
you of course you could defend yourself
from an attack you know is coming that's
not enough look I studied karate for a
long
time and there's a concept you should
really be familiar with it's what the
Japanese call unagi
isn't that a kind of
sushi no it's a concept yeah it is it is
it's freshwater
eel all right maybe it means that too oh
I would kill for a salmon skin roll
right
now no fine get attacked I don't even
care come on Ross we're sorry please
tell us what it
is unagi is a state of total a
awareness okay only by achieving true
unagi can you be prepared for any danger
that may befall
you you mean in case someone's trying to
steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your
kettle of
fish all I'm saying is it's one thing
being prepared for an attack against
like each other whole another story
being prepared for an attack I don't
know like a surprise
all right you knew that was coming but
that doesn't mean you have
unagi oh you know what if we made
reservations we could have unagi in
about a half
hour
was dang Danger
what the hell was that a lesson in the
importance of
unagi you're a
freak
perhaps now I'm curious at what point
during those girlish screams would you
have begun to kick my
ass all right so we Wen
prepared I'm sorry I had to take so
drastic measures to make my point but I
look I just want you guys to be
safe
danger
ahuh
[Music]
unagi Danger
[Applause]
ah Salmon skin
[Music]
roll C say Jack yeah Alex tbec oh of
course Chuck Woolery definitely Phoebe
you will not find a single game show
host whose ass I cannot kick
no say it say we are
unagi it's not something you are it's
something you
have say it you know what I could easily
get out of this but there's a chance you
can get very very
hurt
[Music]
oh uhhuh Nowhere to Run
I don't like sitting up here I'm I'm
going to go over no Rachel they got here
first why is Ross doing that danger oh
my God why is he jumping on those
women we should help
them I I don't think they need any help
a
[Music]
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