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Nice car.
>> Yeah, it's uh it's not mine.
>> I love your car.
>> Yeah, it's mine.
[laughter]
>> I bet it's fast.
>> Me, too. Yeah.
And comfortable. Do you uh you like
leather seats?
>> Yeah.
>> It's got them.
Yeah, she tops out at 130.
>> Wow. And that's just in the city. I get
her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
>> Really?
>> You got a place up state?
>> Sure.
>> Well, uh, I'll see you later. Okay, take
it easy.
>> Hey,
that's my car.
>> Really? Oh. Uh, but just give me five
more minutes with it.
What? What are you doing? Oh, well, I uh
I found the keys and now I'm just
polishing her up.
>> But it's my car.
>> Yeah, but it's my wax.
>> Listen, I don't come to this city much
and I don't know if you're crazy or if
this is some kind of street theater, but
could I have my keys?
>> Sure. Here.
>> I'll uh I'll save your parking spot.
>> Not coming back.
>> Why not?
>> I live upstate.
>> Yeah, so did I. [laughter]
So, the Porsche guy took his car back.
[laughter]
>> But you found the keys to his clothes.
[laughter]
>> No, I just uh I just love the way it
feels when everybody thinks I own a
Porsche.
>> And people would think you own a Porsche
because you're wearing the clothes.
>> Of course, [laughter] only an idiot
would wear this stuff if you didn't have
the car, right?
>> [laughter]
>> That is true.
>> Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a
sonic blaster gun.
>> Oh, I've been there.
>> I am going to go drive my Porsche.
>> Joey, you know you don't actually have
one.
>> Come on. What are you doing? I'm in
character. Will you talk to her?
>> Hey, hey, hey, careful around my porch.
Hi, Joey.
>> Hey, how you doing?
>> He has the most amazing Porsche under
there.
>> I'd love to show you, but I just tucked
her in. She's sleeping. [laughter]
>> Hey, uh, would you two girls like to go
for a drink?
>> We should all get dressed up and go to
have champagne at the plaza.
>> Oh, okay.
>> But I I I can't stay too long. I got to
get up early for a commercial audition
tomorrow and I got to look good.
Supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
[laughter]
>> What? So, when you said get up early,
did you mean 1986?
[laughter]
>> You guys don't think I look 19?
>> Oh, 19. We thought you said 90.
>> Okay, everybody, let's go. Let's go.
>> Okay.
Oh my god.
[laughter]
[laughter]
>> Sup.
[laughter]
Sup, dude.
Take whatever you want. Just please
don't hurt me.
>> It's like playing a little PlayStation,
huh?
That's whack. [laughter]
PlayStation is whack. [laughter]
Sup with the whack. PlayStation sump.
[laughter]
Huh?
Come on. Am I 19 or what?
>> Yes. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being
the dumbest a person can look, you are
definitely 19. [laughter]
>> Come on, man. Really? How old?
>> Young. You're a manchild. Okay, now go
get changed because everybody's ready.
And please Oh, please keep my underwear.
[laughter]
>> Oh, thanks.
>> Okay,
>> now I can pass for 19, right?
>> Yes, you can pass for 19.
>> Really?
>> Yes.
>> Seriously? Seriously? Seriously? No.
Okay. You can play your own age, which
is 31.
[laughter]
I'm 30.
>> Joey, you are not. You're 31.
>> Oh crap.
>> Where's Chandler?
>> Uh, he can't make it. He said he had to
go back to his uh job and do uh Uhoh.
[laughter]
>> Joey.
>> Joey Tribani.
Joey, I can see you. Okay. You're hiding
behind the coats.
[laughter]
>> Close one.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. Hey.
>> Is uh is Chandler around?
>> Nope. Um he met some girl at the coffee
house.
>> Yeah.
>> Ginger something. No,
[laughter]
no, no. Uh, are you sure it wasn't
something that sounded like Ginger? Like
uh Ginger?
>> No, it was Ginger. I remember because
when he told me I said the movie star.
>> Oh man, that's the girl I was hiding
from. When she finds out he's my
roommate, she's going to tell him what I
did.
>> Well, what did you do?
>> Oh. Oh. Oh, no. No. I can't
I can't tell you that. Yeah, it's like
the most awful, horrible thing I've ever
done in my whole life.
>> You know what? Don't tell us. We'll just
wait till Junior gets home because it'll
be more fun that way.
>> All right.
Okay. It was like four years ago. Okay.
Ginger and I had gone out a few times.
And then this one weekend, we went up to
her dad's cabin. Just me, her, and her
annoying little dog, Pepper.
Well, that night, I cooked this really
romantic dinner.
>> You gave her food poisoning.
>> I wish.
[laughter]
After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all
fell asleep in front of the fire. Well,
I woke up in the middle of the night and
I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I
picked up a log and threw it on.
[laughter]
Or at least what I thought was a log.
>> Oh my god, you threw pepper on the fire.
[laughter]
>> I wish.
See, I guess another thing I probably
should have told you about Ginger is
that she kind of has a uh
artificial leg.
[laughter]
>> Oh my god.
Joey, what did you do after you threw
her leg on the fire?
>> I ran.
>> Go first.
>> Okay.
>> Okay. Okay. [applause]
Welcome to America.
>> All right.
>> Oh my gosh.
>> Two in a row. You got to use your
tongues now. [laughter]
>> What are the odds? What are the odds?
>> [applause]
>> Okay, that that's enough, you know. Let
let's let let someone else play.
[laughter]
>> If you didn't want to play, then why'd
you come to the party?
>> You got to pick a pocket
[music and singing] or two, boys.
You've got to pick a pocket for two.
>> Lovely. [laughter]
Just lovely.
>> Really? Thanks.
>> Listen, Joey, we definitely want to see
you for the call back on Saturday.
>> Excellent. [laughter]
>> I'll be there.
>> Okay. And listen, don't forget to bring
your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
>> Uhhuh. My uh my agent said that it
wasn't a dancing part.
>> Oh, Joey, all the roles got to dance a
little. But believe me, with your dance
background, it'll be a piece of cake.
Three years of modern dance with
Twilight Tharp.
[laughter]
>> Five years with the American Ballet
Theater.
[laughter]
>> Hey, everybody lies on their resume.
Okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom kids
either.
>> Well, can you like dance at all?
>> Yeah, I can dance, you know.
>> [cheering]
>> Oh, no. No, no, no. [laughter]
>> What? What is that?
>> Sure it looks stupid now. There's no
music playing.
[music]
[laughter]
>> Uh, Joey. Joey Tribani.
>> Listen, Joey. I got a problem. I just
got a call from my dance captain. He's
having a relationship crisis and can't
get out of Long Island.
>> So, does that mean the audition's off?
[laughter]
>> Listen, Joey. Seeing as you've got the
most experience,
>> I want you to take these dances and
teach them the combination.
[laughter]
>> Plus, oh, Joey, come on. It's easy. You
know, it's hand
head
up.
Big turn here. Ronda Jean
slide back step step and jazz hands.
>> It's a steppity step in jazz hands.
Have fun.
Bye.
All right, let's do it.
>> [cheering and applause]
>> No, no, no.
What was that? I know. It's the best I
could get out of him.
Well, people, people, people, people,
let's try it again. And this time, let's
everybody watch Joey. [laughter]
Show them how it's done.
[laughter]
>> Count it all back.
>> 85.
>> What do you mean? Yesterday you said I
was too pretty to pay for stuff.
>> It's just I can't because my manager
said that I
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday,
dear Annie.
>> Amy.
>> Amy.
>> Happy birthday to you. Hey. Hey. That's
weird. Today's my birthday, too.
>> Yeah. Not in here. It is.
[cheering]
>> Happy birthday to you.
>> You're paying for that.
>> No. No. No. It's her birthday.
>> You've sung happy birthday to 20
different women today.
But it really
>> We're no longer authorized to distribute
birthday muffins.
[laughter]
>> Damn it.
>> We're going to take clunkers to Ross's.
We'll be back in a minute. Oh, wait.
Before you guys go, can I just ask you a
question?
>> Yeah.
>> Um, when a guy breaks up with his
girlfriend, what is an appropriate
amount of time to wait before you make a
move?
>> Oh, I'd say about a month.
>> Really? I'd say three to four.
>> Half hour.
[laughter]
Interesting.
>> When it's your assistant, I would say
never.
>> All right, Ra. The big question is, does
he like you? Right? Because if he
doesn't like you, this is all a moo
point.
[laughter]
>> Huh? A moo point?
>> Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion.
It just doesn't matter.
[laughter]
It's Moo.
[laughter]
>> Have I been living with him for too long
or did that all just make sense?
[laughter]
>> Please don't listen to Joey. Okay. Would
you look at him? I He's He's obviously
depressed. He's away from his family.
He's spending Thanksgiving with
strangers. What he needs right now is
for you to be his friend.
>> Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. Thank you.
Okay, that's what I'm going to do.
>> Fine. take their advice.
No one ever listens to me when the
package is this pretty. No one cares
what's inside.
>> Oh, I guess um good night.
>> Well, unless you uh unless you want to
hang around.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. I'll let you play with my duck.
[clears throat]
[music]
Hey,
stripper.
[laughter]
[music]
>> The stripper stole the ring. The
stripper stole the ring. Taylor, get up.
Get up. The stripper stole the ring.
>> What? The ring is gone.
Okay, just like give me a a minute to
wake up for this.
You lost the ring. You're the worst best
man ever.
>> Dude, this isn't funny. What am I going
to do? I go to sleep last night,
everything's cool. I wake up this
morning, the stripper's gone, and the
ring is gone.
>> You slept with the stripper?
>> Of course.
>> The airport, huh? You know that's over
30 miles. That's going to cost you about
so bucks. Excuse me. That's $50 bucks.
>> What?
>> $50.
>> Oh, you know what it is? It's smudgy cuz
they're fax pages. Now, when I was on
Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remor,
they'd send over the whole script on
real paper and everything.
>> That's great. And and and just so you
know, if you wanted to expand this
scene, like like have the cab crash or
something, I could attend to the victims
cuz I have a background in medical
acting.
>> Okay, listen. Thanks for coming in.
>> No, no. Uh don't thank me for coming in.
Uh at least let me finish.
>> Uh we could take the expressway, but uh
this time of day you're better off
taking the budge.
You were going for the word bridge
there, weren't you?
>> I'll have a good day.
[laughter]
[laughter]
Very funny, Ross. Very lifelike and
funny. Okay. [laughter]
Oh, no, no, no, no. I I wasn't waving at
you, lady.
Whoa. Maybe I was.
>> Hey, Monica. This totally hot girl in
Ross' building is flirting with me.
>> Get in there, man. Flirt back. Mix it
up.
>> Yeah, I'm down with that.
[laughter]
>> Okay, here goes.
How
you
are doing?
[laughter]
It worked. She's waving me over. Okay,
I'll be right over. Let's see. She's on
the third floor.
>> Wow. She is pretty, huh?
>> Tell me about it. Huh?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm not with
her. No, that that's just Monica.
Joey Peponyi.
>> Oh, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I
should have a name that's more neutral.
Joey Switzerland.
Plus, you know, I think it should be
Joe. You know, Joey makes me sound like
um I don't know this big, which I'm not.
Joe
Stalin [snorts]
Stalin [laughter]
Stalin. Do I know that name? That sounds
familiar. Well, it does not ring a bell
with me.
Joe Stalin, [laughter]
you know, that's pretty good.
You might want to try Joseph.
>> Joseph Stalin.
>> I think you'd remember that.
>> Oh, yes. [laughter]
Bye-bye birdie starring Joseph Stalin.
Joseph Stalin is the fiddler on the
roof.
You know there already is a Joseph
Stalin. [laughter]
>> You're kidding.
>> Apparently he was this Russian dictator
who slaughtered all these people.
You'd think you would have known that.
You know, you'd think I would have.
>> Hey guys. Hey sweetie.
>> Ready to go?
>> Yeah, sure. Oh, I left my purse up at
Monica's. I'll be right back.
>> Wait a minute. Fun. Oh.
Whoa, that one kept going.
>> Wow. You and Phoebe, huh? How long you
been going out?
>> Over a month.
>> Wow. Maybe uh maybe you and I ought to
get to know each other a little better.
>> Sure, I'd like that.
>> Yeah. So, uh
what's your name?
It's Jake.
>> Joey.
>> Hey, Jake. Uh, do you like the Knicks?
>> Yeah, big fan.
>> Me, too. There's a game on Tuesday. You
want to go?
>> Yeah, that'd be great. Let me make sure
I'm not doing anything Tuesday
[laughter]
[music]
>> listen. You know how uh when you're
wearing pants and you lean forward, I
check out your underwear?
>> Yeah.
[laughter]
When Jake did it, I saw that he was
wearing women's underwear.
>> I know. They were mine.
>> Oh, [laughter]
no. No. Wait. That's weird.
>> No, it's not. We were just goofing
around and I dared him to try them on.
>> That's weird.
>> I'm wearing his briefs right now.
>> That's kind of hot.
>> I think so, too. And that little flap,
it's great for holding my lipstick.
>> [laughter]
>> Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.
>> And you know Jake says that women's
underwear is actually more comfortable
and he loves the way the silk feels
against his skin.
>> Yeah. Well, next thing you know, he'd be
telling you that your high heels are
good for his posture.
>> There is nothing wrong with Jake. Okay.
He is all man. I'm thinking even more
than you.
>> Oh yeah. He look like a real lumberjack
in those pink laces.
I'm just saying that only a man
completely secure with his masculinity
could walk around in women's underwear.
I don't think you could ever do that.
>> Hey, I am secure with my masculinity.
>> Okay, whatever.
>> You've seen my huge stack of porn,
right?
[music]
[laughter]
Yeah.
[laughter]
[laughter]
>> Hey, Feebs.
>> Hey,
Check it out.
>> Huh? [cheering]
>> How much of a man am I?
>> Wow. Nice. Manly and also kind of a
[laughter]
>> You know, I'm beginning to see what Jake
was talking about.
>> The silk feels really good.
>> Yeah. And and things aren't as smashed
down as I thought they were going to be.
It's great, Joe.
>> Yeah. And you have so many more choices
than you do with men's underwear.
Bikini, French cut, thong, and and the
fabrics. You got cotton, silk, lace, and
you know what? I've always wondered
about panty hoes.
You know, the way they start at your toe
and then they go all the way up to
[laughter]
>> I should go take these off, shouldn't I?
>> I think it's important that you do
>> feel better.
>> Yeah. much.
Listen, uh not that I'm insecure about
my manhood or anything, you know, but uh
I think I need to hook up with a woman
like right now.
>> Yeah, I understand.
>> Yeah. Okay.
>> Hey. Hi.
>> Hi.
>> You know, you look familiar. Do I know
you from somewhere?
>> I don't think so.
>> Maybe it's because I'm on television.
>> [laughter]
>> I'm an actor on Days of Our Lives.
>> Wow.
>> Really?
>> Mhm.
>> 450, please.
>> Oh, let me get this.
[laughter]
>> These are for you.
>> Hi, guys.
>> Hey.
>> Oh, what's in the bag?
>> Oh. Uh, well, you know how Emma started
crawling? I realized that this place is
very unsafe for a baby. So, I went to
the store and I got some stuff to baby
proof the apartment.
>> Oh god. Baby proofing. Why is this such
a big deal now? You know, when I was a
kid, it was like, "Whoops, Joey fell
down the stairs." Or, uh, "Whoops, Joey
electrocuted himself again." [laughter]
>> Anyway, um, are you going to get a
handyman to install this stuff?
>> No, I was just going to do it myself.
>> Yeah.
>> [laughter]
>> You're going to do it?
>> Yeah. Why? You don't think a woman can
do this?
>> Well, women can't. You can't.
>> Monica, will you please tell Joey that
he is a pig?
>> You're a pig and you can't do this.
>> What?
>> What? Come on. I found the hardware
store all by myself.
>> The hardware store is right down the
street.
>> There is a hardware store right down the
street.
>> [music]
>> Hi. So, you gave in and decided to call
someone?
>> Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I
can barely use chopsticks.
>> You're all set.
>> Oh, thank you so much. Oh. Oh, wait. You
uh forgot your um your game.
>> Thank you.
[music]
>> [laughter]
>> Ra.
[snorts]
[laughter]
Rachel.
[laughter]
[laughter]
[laughter]
So, I can't do anything I like.
[laughter]
I did it. I did it. All right.
[laughter]
Better take all I can carry.
Who knows when I'll be able to get in
here again, huh?
>> All right. I took the quiz and it turns
out I do put career before men.
[laughter]
>> Get up.
>> What?
>> Near my seat.
>> How is this your seat?
>> Cuz I was sitting there.
>> But then you left.
>> Well, it's not like I went to Spain.
[laughter]
I went to the bathroom. You knew I was
coming back.
>> What's the big deal? Sit somewhere else.
The big deal is I was sitting there
last, so it's my seat.
>> Well, actually, the last place you were
sitting was in there. So,
>> you guys, you know what? You know what?
It doesn't matter because you both have
to go get dressed before the big vein in
my head pops. So,
>> all right, Ross. I just have to do one
thing really quickly. It's not a big
deal.
>> Get up.
>> All right, fine. You know what? We'll
both sit in the chair.
>> Fine with me.
>> [laughter]
>> I'm so comfortable.
>> Me, too. In fact, I think I might be a
little too comfortable.
>> All right.
>> Okay. Look, we have 19 minutes. Okay.
Chandler, I want you to go and change.
Okay? And then when you come back, Joey
will go change and he'll have vacated
the chair. Okay? Okay.
>> All right. Fine. I'm going. When I get
back, it's chair city and I'm the guy
who's sitting in a chair.
All right. You will notice that I am
fully dressed. I in turn have noticed
that you are not. So, in the words of a
mil, get out of my chair. Dealhole.
>> Okay.
>> [applause and cheering]
>> What are you doing? Well, you said I had
to give you the chair. You didn't see
anything about the cushions.
>> The cushions are the essence of the
chair.
>> That's right. I'm taking the essence.
[laughter]
He'll be back. Oh, there's nobody in the
room.
Where's my underwear? Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Come on. Come on. What? You took
his underwear?
>> He took my essence.
>> Okay. Yeah, hold on,
>> Joey. Why Why can't you just wear the
underwear you're wearing now?
>> Cuz I'm not wearing any underwear now.
[laughter]
>> Okay. Um, then why do you have to wear
underwear tonight?
>> It's a rented tux. Okay. Not going to go
commando in another man's fatigue.
>> Well, then it looks like somebody's
going to have to give somebody back his
cushions.
>> Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm going to
do the exact opposite to you.
What are you What are you going to show
me? My clothes. Hey, opposite
is opposite.
>> He's got nothing.
[cheering]
Okay, buddy. Boy, here it is.
You hide my clothes, I'm wearing
everything you own.
Oh my god.
>> [laughter]
>> That is so not the opposite of taking
somebody's underwear.
Look at me. I'm Chandler. Could I be
wearing any more clothes?
Maybe if I wasn't going commando.
Yeah,
I'll tell you, it's hot with all this
stuff on. I uh I better not do any I
don't know, lunges.
>> Okay. Okay. Enough. But not for the
Monday. No, I'm sick of this. Okay, I've
had it up to here with you two. Neither
of you can come to the party.
>> Jeez, what a baby.
>> Presenting the award for favorite
returning male character is Mackenzie.
>> This is it. This is this is my category.
>> Oh my god. Do you have speech?
>> Yeah. Got my speech.
>> Did you got your gracious face?
>> Yep.
>> Now, Charlie, remember if you win, you
have to hug me. You hug me.
>> Okay.
>> Can I squeeze your ass [laughter]
>> on TV? proven that this is not always in
the category of favorite returning male
character. The nominees are John Wheeler
from General Hospital, [applause]
Gavin Graham from The Young and the
Restless,
Duncan Harrington from Passions,
[applause] and Joey Tribani from Days of
Our Lives.
And the Sophie goes to
Gavin Graham from The Young and the
Restless. [applause]
[music]
[music]
>> Pass the cheese, please.
>> My god, you can't even look at me, can
you?
>> Nope.
>> Hey, it's Phoebe. We can talk to BB.
[laughter]
>> No, I'm I'm too depressed to talk.
>> I'll give you $1,000 to talk to us.
[laughter]
>> Hey, you guys. What do you What do you
think about making that beach trip an
annual thing?
>> No.
>> All right, that's it. You guys, what
happened out there?
>> What? We took a walk. Nothing happened.
I came back with nothing all over me.
>> Come on. What happened, Joey?
>> All right.
>> No. Joey, we swore we'd never tell.
>> They'll never understand. [laughter]
>> We have to say something. We have to get
it out. It's eating me alive.
>> Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
>> All right.
>> All right.
[laughter]
I got stung.
stung bad. [laughter]
I couldn't stand. I I couldn't walk.
>> We were two miles from the house.
[laughter]
>> We're scared and alone.
We didn't think we could make it.
[laughter]
>> I was in too much pain.
>> And I was tired from digging the huge
hole.
And then Joey remembered something.
>> I'd seen this thing on the Discovery
Channel.
>> Wait a minute. I saw that on the
Discovery Channel. Yeah. About jellyfish
and how if you
>> Ew,
you peed on yourself.
>> Ew.
>> You can't say that. You You don't know.
I thought I was going to pass out from
the pain. Anyway, I I tried but I I
couldn't been that way.
>> So,
[cheering]
that's right. I stepped up.
>> She's my friend and she needed help.
If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.
[laughter]
>> [applause]
[cheering]
>> only uh I couldn't
[laughter]
I got to stage fright.
>> I wanted to help but there was just too
much pressure. So So I uh I turned to
Chandler.
>> Joy kept screaming at me, "Do it now. Do
it. Do it. Do it now."
>> [laughter]
>> Sometimes late at night I can still hear
the screaming. [laughter]
>> That's cuz sometimes I just do it
through my wall to freak you out.
[music]
>> Die Hard. Still great.
>> Yeah.
>> Hey, what do you say we make it a double
feature?
>> What else do you rent?
>> Die Hard 2. [laughter]
>> Joey, this is Die Hard one again.
Oh, but we watched it a second time and
it's Die Hard, too.
>> Joey, we just saw it and
>> and it would be cool to see it again.
>> Yeah, Die Hard.
>> Dude, you didn't say Die Hard.
>> Is everything okay? [laughter]
>> Yeah, I just got I got plans.
>> Well, John Mlan had plans. [laughter]
No, you see the thing is I want to get
out of here before Joey gets all worked
up and starts calling everybody
>> What are you talking about,
[music]
[laughter]
>> [laughter]
>> What happened?
>> I don't know. [laughter] You fell
asleep. That is all.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> All right. Well, uh, I better go.
>> Yeah, I think that would be best.
>> All right. I'll talk to you later.
>> Okay. But not about this.
>> No, never. [laughter]
>> Never.
>> So, uh, uh,
bye.
>> No touch. No. [laughter]
[music]
>> Hey,
>> just uh brought back your videos.
>> Uh hey, uh Ross, look. Uh I think we
need to talk about before.
>> No, no, we don't.
>> Yes, we do. Now, look, that was the best
nap I ever had.
I I don't know what you're talking
about.
>> Come on, admit it. That was the best nap
you ever had.
>> I've had better. [laughter]
>> Okay. When
All right. All right. It was the best
nap ever. I said it. Okay. But it's
over, Joey.
[laughter]
>> I want to do it again.
We can't do it again.
>> Why not?
>> Because it's weird.
[laughter]
>> Fine.
>> You want something to drink?
>> Sure. What do you got?
>> Warm milk and etan PM.
>> Boy, I'll tell you that judging stuff
took a lot out of me.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. think about maybe going upstairs
and taking a little nap on my couch.
[laughter]
>> Why Why would I care about that?
>> No reason. I'm just saying that uh
that's where I'll be.
[laughter]
>> [laughter]
[music]
[laughter]
>> Great nap.
>> It really was.
[clears throat]
>> [cheering]
[applause]
[laughter]
>> Dude, what the hell are you doing?
[laughter]
>> Excuse me.
I don't believe in these crazy diets,
you know, just everything in moderation.
>> Your muffins.
>> Uh,
>> I'll take those to go
>> for the kids. [laughter]
>> Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You
were on the show years ago and then they
killed you off. What happened there?
>> It's so stupid. I said some stuff in an
interview that I really shouldn't have
said, but believe me, that is not going
to happen today.
>> Understood.
>> So, what did you say back then?
>> I said that I
[laughter]
interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest.
Shel, these are my friends.
>> Hi, I'm gal pal Rachel Green. Um, and if
you want the dirt, I'm the one you come
to. This might be Joey's baby. Who
knows?
>> I'm just kidding. Seriously, gal pal
Rachel Green.
>> Who just lost the respect of her unborn
child.
>> Um, I'm going to just go get this warmed
up. Okay,
>> Joey, you're doing great.
>> Yeah, so far nothing stupid.
>> Mento. No thanks.
>> Hey Joe, what's up?
>> Bad news. I watched the tape and passed
along to my bosses and they weren't
interested.
>> Oh,
sorry, man.
But uh you watched the tape?
>> Yeah, I I I I liked it,
>> but uh my bosses didn't go for it.
Stupid sons of
[laughter]
You didn't watch the tape.
>> What? Of course I did.
>> Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but
to lie to me.
>> I'm not lying to you. I watched it.
>> No, you lied again.
>> I watched it.
>> Keep going, Pinocchio.
[laughter]
>> I did.
>> No, you didn't.
>> I'm telling you, I watched the tape.
>> Did you watch the tape?
>> No.
Can't believe Joey, [music]
I hate being called a liar.
>> But you are a liar.
>> What did I just say? [laughter]
>> You still here?
>> Yes. And I have to say I am not just
hurt. I am insulted when I tell somebody
I did something.
>> Okay. All right. Let me just stop you
right there. Okay. First you lied,
right? Then you lied about lying. Okay.
Then you lied about lying about lying.
Okay. So before you lie about lying
about lying about lying about lying,
[laughter]
stop lying.
Why are you so sure I didn't watch this
tape? You want to know why? You want to
know why?
>> Well, this is going well.
>> Here's how I know you didn't watch the
tape. Okay. If you had seen what was on
this tape, believe me, you would have
some comments. All right. Now remember,
I got paid a lot of money for this and
it only aired in Japan.
>> Ichiban
[music]
Ichiban lipstick for men.
Ichiban lipstick for men. Sai.
[laughter]
>> And that's how I know you didn't watch
the tape.
>> He really is a chameleon.
>> Hello.
>> Hello.
>> Baby,
>> Joey. What's going on?
>> What?
Oh my god.
>> I know it's stuck.
>> Dad, how did it get on?
>> I put it on to scare Chandler.
>> Oh my god. Monica's going to totally
freak out.
>> Well, then help me get it off. Plus,
well, it smells really bad in here.
>> Of course it smells really bad. You have
your head up a dead animal.
>> [laughter]
>> Hey.
>> Hey. Did you get the turkey, baby? Oh my
god. Oh my god.
>> Who is that?
>> It's Joey. [laughter]
>> What? What are you doing? And is this
supposed to be funny?
>> No, it's not supposed to be funny. It's
supposed to be scary. [laughter]
>> Get her off now.
>> I can't. It's stuck.
>> I don't care that. That turkey has to
feed 20 people at my parents house and
they're not going to eat it off your
head. [laughter]
>> Hold on. Okay, let's just I'll think.
[laughter]
>> Okay, I got it. Phoebe. All right, you
pull. I'm going to spread the legs as
wide as I can.
>> Joey, now is not the time.
>> Sorry, guys.
>> Okay, count to three. One, two, three.
[screaming]
[laughter]
>> It worked. I scared you. I knew it.
[laughter]
>> I'm over here, big guy.
>> Yeah, you are.
>> Hey, Ra. How you doing with the shining?
>> Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
>> Ooh, the next part's the best. When that
dead lady in the bathtub.
>> Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come
on. You're going to ruin it.
>> All right, I'll talk in code. Remember
when the kid sees those two blanks in
the hallway?
>> That's very cool.
>> All blank and no blank makes blank a
blank blank.
[laughter]
>> Oh, no. No, no. The end when Jack almost
kills them all with that blank, but then
in the last second they get away.
[laughter]
>> Joey, I can't believe you just did that.
>> I can't believe she cracked your code.
All right. Okay. Lori proposes to Joe
and she says no even though she's still
in love with him. And then he ends up
marrying Amy.
>> Hey, mine was by accident.
All right. The boiler explodes and
destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
>> Beth dies.
>> [cheering]
>> Beth.
>> Beth dies.
>> Is that true? If I keep reading, is Beth
going to die?
>> No. Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die.
Does she, Rachel?
>> What?
>> Joey's asking if you've just ruined the
first book he's ever loved that didn't
star Jack Nicholson.
Big hug. One more. Big hug. Come on.
How are you? [laughter]
>> Uh, Dr. Green, where you going?
>> To get my coat.
>> All right. All right. I can get my own
coat.
>> Sorry, we're on a major fla high.
[laughter]
>> Oh, no. No. You're not supposed to be
here cuz it's the staging area. You
should, it's all wrong. You should
leave, you know. Just get out.
>> Or perhaps you'd like a creme de
[laughter]
have to be heading toward my chateau.
Thank you.
>> Oh, all right. Well, then I guess we're
going back into the hallway again.
>> Thanks for coming, Mrs. Green.
>> [cheering]
[applause]
>> Okay,
you [laughter] take care.
>> Oh, you kids.
[sighs]
Well, [laughter]
this is the best party I've been to in
years.
Thank you.
>> [clears throat]
>> Monica,
>> what time is it?
>> Uh, 9.
[laughter]
>> But it's dark out.
>> Um, well, that's because you always
sleep till noon, silly.
This is what nine looks like. [laughter]
>> I guess I'll get washed up then.
>> Watch that sunrise.
>> I'm really getting tired of sneaking
around all the time.
>> I know. Me, too. You know. Hey, you know
what? What if we went away for the whole
weekend? You know, we'd have no
interruptions and we could be naked the
entire time.
>> All weekend. That's a whole lot of
naked. [laughter]
>> Yeah. I could say that I have a
conference and you can say you have a
chef thing. Oh, I've always wanted to go
to this culinary fair that they have in
Jersey.
>> Okay. You know, you're not
ready.
>> Let's go.
>> Okay. Wait, what about Joey?
Damn Rolos.
Hey, you're back.
>> Hey, how was your conference?
>> It was terrible. I fought with my
colleagues, you know, the entire time.
Are you kidding with this?
>> Uh, so your weekend was a total bust.
>> Uh, no. I got to see Donald Trump
waiting for an elevator. [laughter]
[music]
Hey.
Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh hotel you stayed
at called
said someone left an eyelash curler in
your room.
>> Yes, that was mine. [laughter]
>> Cuz I figured you hooked up with some
girl and she left it there.
>> Yes, that would have made more sense.
[laughter]
You know, I I don't even feel like I
know you anymore, man. All right. Look,
I'm just going to ask you this one time.
All right, and whatever you say, I'll
believe you.
Were you or were you not on a gay
cruise? [laughter]
>> Hey. Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Oh, hey, Monica. I heard you saw Donald
Trump at your convention.
>> Yeah. So, I'm waiting for an elevator.
[laughter]
>> Hey, Ra. Can I borrow your eyelash
curler? I think I lost mine.
>> Yeah. So, [cheering]
Joey, can I talk to you for a second?
Yes.
Yes.
You and and you. [laughter]
>> Yes. But you cannot tell anyone. No one
knows.
>> How? When?
>> It happened in London.
>> In London?
>> The reason we didn't tell anyone was cuz
we didn't want to make a big deal out of
it.
>> But it is a big deal.
I have to tell someone.
>> You can't. [laughter]
>> Please. Please. We just don't want to
deal with telling everyone. Okay. Just
promise you won't tell.
>> All right.
Man, this is unbelievable.
I mean, it's great. But
>> I know it's great. [laughter]
>> Oh, I don't want to see that.
O,
>> what's with all this sand?
>> Oh, yeah. Bob said there might be flood
damage.
>> Either that or he has a really big cat.
>> Well, is everybody else having just the
best time?
Sh.
>> Joey's asleep.
After
he passed out, we put the sand around
him to keep him warm.
>> Well, I assume the uh happy couple isn't
up yet. Did you guys hear them last
night?
>> Oh, yeah. I don't know what they were
doing, but at one point, sea turtles
actually came up to the house.
>> Good morning.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. How'd everybody sleep?
>> Oh, great.
>> Like a lo.
>> Us, too.
>> We're going for a walk.
>> Good morning. Nice breath, by the way.
[laughter]
>> Hey, buddy.
>> So, I just talked to one of the duel
writers today. And
>> what is duel?
>> Days of our lives.
Anyway, you're not going to believe it.
My character is coming out of his coma.
>> And and and not only that, I'm getting a
new brain.
[laughter]
>> So, great things are happening at work
and in your personal life.
>> Wait, what do you mean you're getting a
new brain?
>> Oh, well, they're killing off one of the
characters on the show, and when she
dies, her brain is being transplanted
into my body.
[laughter]
>> What? A brain transplant? It's
ridiculous.
>> Well, I think it's ridiculous that you
haven't had sex in three and a half
months.
>> It's winter. There are fewer people on
the street. [laughter]
>> Who are they killing off?
>> Uh Cecilia Monroe. She plays Jessica
Lockheart.
>> No.
>> She is so good at throwing drinks in
people's faces. I mean, I don't think
I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
And the way she slaps people all the
time. Wouldn't you love to do that just
once?
>> Oh, dude. [laughter]
>> And she's been on the show forever. It's
going to be really hard to fill her
shoes.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Help me out here. When you
when you come out of the brain
transplant,
you are going to be her?
>> Yes, but in Drake Remor's body.
[laughter]
>> Why is this so hard for you to get? I
thought you were a scientist. I'm very
glad that you saved Ross and the car
backfired, but it could have been a
bullet and you you know, you didn't try
to save me.
[groaning]
>> Oh, you're upset because you think I
chose Ross over you. No, I knew you
could take care of yourself. You know, I
mean, Ross, he needs help. He's not
street like us.
>> What it comes down to is you would risk
your life for Ross before you would for
me. That's the bottom line,
wouldn't it? No, not exactly. All right,
look. I I wasn't trying to save Ross,
okay?
My sandwich was next to Ross. [laughter]
All right.
I I was trying to save my sandwich
from a bullet.
I know it doesn't make much sense.
>> Much sense.
>> Chandler, it was instinct. Okay. I just
went for it. So, you risked your life
for a sandwich. I know it sounds crazy,
but Chandler, this is the greatest
sandwich in the world. [laughter]
>> So, you didn't uh choose Ross before me.
>> No, I would never do that. You You're
like my brother.
>> Really?
>> Yeah. In fact, to prove how much you
mean to me
here.
>> Thanks. Oh. Oh, easy. It's not a hot
dog.
[laughter]
How good is that?
>> Oh,
see.
>> Mhm.
>> Hey, dude. What are you doing?
I thought you were showing me how much I
mean to you. Yeah. With a bite.
[laughter]
>> Jeez.
>> Did I miss it? Did I miss it?
>> No. No. I'm on right after this guy
shoots himself.
>> Whoa. She's pretty.
>> Yeah. Oh, and she's really nice, too.
She taught me all about, you know, how
to work with the cameras and smell the
fart acting.
>> I'm sorry. What?
It's like you got so many lines to learn
so fast that sometimes you need a minute
to remember your next one. So while
you're thinking of it, you take this big
pause where you look all intense, you
know, like this.
>> Okay.
>> Oh, here's my scene. Here's my scene.
>> Mrs. Wallace.
>> Yes.
>> I'm Dr. Dr. Drake Remor, your sister's
neurosurgeon.
>> Yeah.
>> Tell me, is she going to be all right?
>> I'm afraid the situation is much more
dire than we'd expected.
Your sister is suffering from a
a subcranial hematoma.
Perhaps we can discuss this further over
coffee.
[laughter]
Oh, nice.
>> Yeah, thankfully.
>> You know, for a minute there, I thought
you were actually trying to smell
something.
[laughter]
>> Oh, yay. Look, there's a piece that
doesn't have floor on it.
>> Stick to your side.
>> Come on now.
[laughter]
>> All right. What are we having?
>> [music]
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