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I mean, my mom never thought this would
work out.
She was all once a cheater, always a
cheater. [laughter]
>> Mhm. Oh, I just wish we hadn't lost
those four months.
But if time was what you needed just to
gain a little perspective,
>> we were on a break.
>> Coffee house. You bet. [laughter]
>> And for the record, it took two people
to break up this relationship.
>> Yeah. You and that girl from the copy
place, which yesterday you took full
responsibility for.
>> I didn't know what I was taking
responsibility for. Okay. I didn't
finish the whole letter.
>> What?
>> I fell asleep.
>> You fell asleep? [laughter]
>> It was 5:30 in the morning and you had
rambled on for 18 pages.
>> [laughter]
>> FRONT AND BACK.
OH, and by the way, y u apostrophe r e
means you are. Y r MEANS YOU'RE
[laughter]
>> KNOW. I can't believe I even thought of
getting BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU. WE ARE
so over.
>> Fine by me.
>> Oh. Oh, and hey, HEY, HEY. THOSE LITTLE
SPELLING TIPS WILL COME IN HANDY WHEN
YOU'RE AT HOME on Saturday nights
playing SCRABBLE WITH MONICA. HEY,
>> SORRY.
[laughter]
>> I just feel bad about all that sleep
you're going to miss. Wishing you were
with me.
>> Oh, no. No. Don't you worry about me
falling asleep. I STILL HAVE YOUR
LETTER.
>> HEY, DUDE. Some guy just called for you.
>> Who was it?
>> I don't know. How about thanks for
taking the message. Jesus.
[laughter]
>> Hey, listen. You know when you move in,
Rachel's room's going to be empty. You
want to talk about what we want to do
with it?
>> Sure. Okay, I was thinking we should
have a beautiful guest room, right, with
um a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside
tables with flowers on it all the time.
And then we can have like a roll top
desk with little comment card so people
can tell us how much they love staying
here.
>> Hey, whatever. You know, I really
haven't thought about it that much.
>> Well, I like that idea obviously,
[laughter]
but I was thinking maybe maybe it could
be a game room, you know? I mean, you
can buy old arcade games like uh like
Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200.
The real ones. The big big big ones.
>> No.
>> Okay. So, you mean no as in G Chandler?
What an interesting idea. Let's discuss
it before we reject it completely.
>> Oh, I'm sorry. Of course.
Yes. Interesting idea. Um, talk about
it. But no.
>> So, that's it. Well, I just don't think
that, you know, arcade games go in the
beautiful guest room. The beautiful
guest room is going to be filled with
antiques,
>> which is why Asteroids is perfect. It's
the oldest game.
>> What do you have against the beautiful
guest room?
>> Nothing. I don't have anything against
the beautiful guest room, especially
since everybody that we know lives about
30 seconds away. [laughter]
>> Are you mocking me?
>> No, I'm not mocking you or your
beautiful game. [laughter]
Hey, what's up?
>> Nothing. Monica and I had a stupid
fight.
>> But you're still moving in together,
right? Cuz my ad came out today.
>> Wanted female roommate, non-smoker, non
ugly.
>> So, come on, explain yourself, Geller.
First, you get my Rachel pregnant.
>> You got Rachel pregnant?
>> WHO DID?
>> YOU DID?
>> YES.
>> YES. YES, I did. But but it was it was
just a one night thing. It meant
nothing.
>> Oh, really? That's what my daughter
means to you? Nothing?
>> No, no, sir. Um, she means a lot to me.
I mean, I I care I I love Rachel. What?
Oh, but not in that way. I mean I mean
I'm not in love with her. I love her
like like a friend.
>> Oh, really? That's how you treat a
friend. You get her in trouble and then
you refuse to marry her.
>> Hey, I offered to marry her, but I
didn't want to.
[applause]
Well, why not? So you could spend your
time with this
>> I'm sorry. Dr. Green. Mona. Mona. Dr.
Green.
>> How could you have kept all of this from
me? I
>> I was going to tell you, but
>> But what? You figure you get what you
wanted, then you dump her like you did
Rachel.
>> Hey, I did not dump Rachel, nor are we
still together.
>> Oh. Um,
can I
>> Why don't we just let the machine get
back?
>> Hey, Ross, it's Joey. There's a hooker
over here, and we thought maybe you'd
know something about it.
>> No, no, NO, NO, NO. I I need to lie
down.
>> What's up, Joe?
>> Okay. What have we always wanted to do
together?
>> Braid each other's hair and ride
horseback on the beach.
>> Oh, no. No. When you get home tomorrow
night, you and I are going to be at the
Wizards Knicks game
>> courtside. Courtzside? Oh my god.
>> YEAH. MAYBE MICHAEL JORDAN will dive for
the ball and break my jaw with his knee.
>> That is so cool. I'll let Monica know.
>> Hello.
>> Joey just called. He's got courtside
Nicks tickets for him and me tomorrow
night.
>> Really? But tomorrow night's the only
night I get off from the restaurant. If
you go to the game, then we won't have a
night together for another week.
>> But hey, it's courtside. The
cheerleaders are going to be right in.
That's not the way to convince you.
>> Taylor, look, I don't want to be one of
those wives that says you can't go to
the game. You have to spend time with
me. So, if you could just realize it on
your own.
>> I I know. You're right. I want to see
you, too.
I just got to figure out a way to tell
Joey, you know, he's really looking
forward to this.
>> Tell him that you haven't seen your wife
in a long time.
>> Tell him that having a long-distance
relationship is really difficult.
Tell him that what little time we have
together is is precious.
>> I'll think of something.
>> Cab's ready.
>> All right, let's go.
>> You're welcome.
>> Oh, I'm sorry. Were you speaking to me
or sleeping with someone else?
[laughter]
>> We were on a break.
>> You know, Ross, why don't you just put
that on your answering machine?
>> Hey. Hey, it's valid. Okay. And I'm not
the only one who thinks so. Monica
agrees with me.
>> What?
I don't know.
[laughter]
>> That's what you said last night.
>> What I said was was that I understood
Joey is the one who agreed with you.
>> Okay.
>> Really, Joey?
>> What?
>> You know what? But there there is no
right or wrong here.
>> No, I think it's very obvious who's
wrong here.
>> Obviously, not to Joey.
>> What?
Joey about the same way that I do. No,
no, no.
Guess who I am.
[laughter]
>> Look what you're doing to Chandler.
[screaming]
>> Isn't this great?
>> Couldn't you just stay like this
forever?
Champler,
couldn't you just stay here forever?
>> Yeah, here somewhere else. You know,
where? Wherever, [laughter]
>> are you okay?
>> Yeah, I'm cool. Casual.
>> Wh What are you doing?
>> Well, just hanging out, you know, having
fun, you know, with the girl that I'm
seeing. Casually,
>> man, I knew it. I knew you were going to
do this.
>> What? get all freaked out because
everybody was talking and just joking
around about marriage and stuff.
>> Well, you you do want all that stuff,
right?
>> Oh, and you know what I want.
>> Yes, you want babies. You have baby
fever.
>> I do not have baby fever.
>> Oh, please. You are obsessed with babies
and and marriage and everything that's
related to babies and and and marriage.
You know what? I got a good idea. Why
don't we turn the heat down on this
pressure cooker?
You lost your mind, Taylor. This isn't
about me. This is about you and all your
weird relationship commitment crap.
>> Nuh-uh. I know you. Okay. I know the
thoughts that you have in the head in
your head. [laughter]
>> You don't know everything. Did you know
that I'm going out with Rachel tonight
instead of you? H And did you know that
the only baby around here is you? And
did you know that I can't even look at
you right now?
>> Yo, I did not know that.
>> [music]
>> It's going to be okay, right? I mean,
she's not going to leave me. This is
this is fixable.
>> Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Absolutely.
>> By me.
>> Oh, no.
>> No. No. [laughter]
>> Well, unless you make some kind of big
gesture.
>> Yeah. Big though.
>> Oh, The misses.
>> Here. Can I Can I get a coffee
>> to go?
I'm I'm still not done not wanting to
talk to you.
>> Just tell me what I need to do to make
things right.
>> What?
>> Well, that's what we do. You know, I I
mess up and then you tell me how to fix
it and then I do and then, you know, you
think I'm all cute again. [laughter]
I'm really I'm really tired of being
your relationship tutor. You're going to
have to figure this one out for
yourself, right? You know what? You're
too afraid to be in a real relationship,
then don't be in one.
Monica, I need to talk to her. It's
urgent. Is she here?
>> Hi, Monica.
>> I need to talk to you. It's urgent.
>> Okay.
>> Okay. I've been doing a lot of thinking
about us, you know, a lot of uh us
thinking. And uh well, I guess there's
only one one way to do this.
[cheering]
>> What are you doing,
>> Monica? No. No. No. Don't don't don't do
it.
>> Will you marry me?
[cheering]
>> What a bad idea.
>> Oh, I can't not look at it. [laughter]
>> Chandler, why are you doing this?
>> I don't know, [laughter] but I know I'm
not afraid to do this.
>> Chandler,
>> I'm doing this because I'm sorry.
>> [laughter]
>> Do you um you really think the best
reason to get married is because you're
sorry?
>> Well, no. The best reason to get married
is pregnancy.
[laughter]
>> Sorry is pretty much fourth, you know,
behind being ready and actually wanting
to get married.
Will you be my wife?
[laughter]
>> Taylor, um I want you to take just a
minute and I want you to think about how
ridiculous this sounds.
Yeah, I'm kind of wishing everyone
wasn't here right now.
>> Do you know that none of that stuff came
from me? I mean, I never said that I
wanted to have babies and get married
right now.
>> Yeah, I don't. But I was really
confused. And then I talked to these
guys.
>> Who? Two divorces and Joey.
>> Hey, she's right, you know.
>> Yeah, but still cheap shot.
>> No. You know when I said that I want you
to deal with this relationship stuff all
on your own?
>> Well, you're not ready for that.
>> I didn't think I was. [laughter]
>> What are Hi.
[laughter]
>> Well, what are you doing here? I'm I'm
supposed to pick you up.
>> Change of plans. I made you a special
Valentine's dinner. Surprise.
>> Oh, hey Mona. Hi. Hi. Hi, Rachel.
What's she doing here?
>> I have no idea.
[laughter]
>> Um, I'll be watching TV if anybody needs
me.
>> Seriously, what is she doing?
>> Uh, you know, lately she just likes
hanging out here. [laughter]
>> Why?
>> I think she's lonely.
>> Okay, but it's Valentine's Day. Can't we
just ask her to go?
>> Well, no. No. She's way too emotional.
And by emotional, I mean,
>> I'm not here. That's just my Chinese
food.
>> Oh my god, she has food delivered here.
>> Yes, she's she's emotional, but but
ballsy.
>> You know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
[laughter]
>> And you thought she was going to be in
our way.
So, okay. Why don't you uh open the
champagne and I will be right back. I've
got a surprise for you.
>> You got another ex-wife back there.
>> Please start drinking.
>> Okay, let's see. Okay, the turkeyy's in
the oven. The stuffing is ready.
>> You know, you always cook this meal all
by yourself. Let me help this year.
>> A Chandler, that's sweet. But you don't
have to do everything Dr. Phil tells you
to do.
>> I'm serious. Let me do something. Just
not the turkey or the stuffing. Nothing
highprofile.
[laughter]
>> Let's see.
>> Oh, the cranberry sauce. It's easy to
make and no one really cares about it.
>> Tell me more.
>> Okay, I'm going to go check on something
across the hall. You start by washing
these. Okay.
>> Not with soap.
[laughter]
>> You obviously haven't tasted my Palm
Olive potatoes.
>> Sorry. I know it's our anniversary, but
I told you on the phone I don't have
time to stop.
>> Okay, you don't have to stop. I'm
invisible. I'm not here.
>> Yeah, but I don't.
Who approved that order? Well, there is
no Mark Robinson in this office. Get me
Mark on the phone.
>> I love Mark. Do you know Mark?
>> Yeah.
>> Well, let me just check up with what
I've got here. All right. See, 038 is
not the number for this floor. 038 is
Atlanta.
Pepper.
[laughter]
>> None for me.
>> I'm sorry. As I was saying, the store
number is wrong and I'm sorry, but that
is Oh my god. [laughter]
>> Okay.
>> Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
>> Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm going to have
to call you back. I've got Shmp in my
office.
>> [laughter]
>> What are you doing?
>> I'm sorry, but um Hey. Oh, somebody's
off the phone. How about a glass of wine
by the fire? I'd get it going again if
you
>> Do you realize this is the first time in
my life I'm doing something I actually
care about? This is the first time in my
life I'm doing something that I'm
actually good at. I mean, if you don't
get that.
>> No. Hey, I get that. Okay. I get that
big time. And I'm happy for you, but I'm
tired of having a relationship with your
answering machine. Okay. I don't know
what to do anymore.
>> Well, neither do I.
Is this about Mark?
>> Oh my god.
>> Okay, it's not.
>> Oh my god. I cannot keep having the same
fight over and over again. Ross, no.
You're you're you're making this too
hard.
>> Oh, I'm I'm making this too hard. Okay,
what do you want me to do?
>> I don't know. I don't know. Look, maybe
we should just take a break.
>> Okay. Okay, fine. You're right. Let's uh
let's take a break. Let's cool off.
Okay. Let's get some frozen yogurt or
something.
No.
A break from us.
>> It's the worst thing that can happen on
anniversary ever.
>> Oh, good. All right. You decided to tell
about the Richard thing.
[laughter]
>> What? What Richard things?
>> Oh, no.
What Richard think?
>> Simmons. Go with Simmons. [laughter]
>> Okay. I um I ran into Richard yesterday
and he asked me if I wanted to go for a
bite and I did. And the only reason why
I didn't tell you is because I I knew
you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil
our anniversary.
>> I'm not mad. [laughter]
>> Really?
>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. So you you bumped into
Richard. You grabbed a bite. [laughter]
>> No big deal.
>> Great.
>> Okay, London one.
>> We should take a trip.
>> We should?
>> Yep. We're a couple and that's uh what
couples do. And I want to meet your
parents. We should take a trip WITH YOUR
PARENTS.
I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO because you're
tripping me out right now.
>> Are you okay?
>> No, I am. I actually am. I mean, this is
amazing. My entire life, I have feared
this place. And now that I'm here, it's
like, what was the big deal? I mean, I
could probably say, "Let's move in
together." And I'd be okay.
>> You probably want us to move in
together.
It doesn't scare me.
>> Yeah, well, it scares me. I mean, I'm
not even divorced yet, Chandler. You
know, you just invited me over here for
pasta and all of a sudden you're like
talking about moving in together and I
wasn't even that hungry.
>> You know what? It's getting really late
and I I should just um
>> Oh, no. No, don't go. I've scared you.
I've said too much. I'm hopeless AND
AWKWARD AND DESPERATE for love.
[laughter]
Hey Janice, it's me. Um, [clears throat]
yeah, I I just wanted to apologize in
advance for having chased you down the
street.
[music]
>> She sent the chicken back again.
>> She said it's too dry now and she wants
to come back here and explain to you
exactly how she wants.
>> Well, fine. I'd like to meet this
chicken expert. Send the colonel in.
>> [laughter]
>> Oh my god.
[cheering and applause]
Lucky bastard.
>> Janice,
>> how are you, Miss Hot Shot Chef at the
big fancy restaurant with the best
chicken ever?
[laughter]
>> I'm fine.
>> Oh, what is that on your finger? I'm
blind.
>> [laughter]
>> Um, so who's the lucky guy?
[laughter]
>> Oh my god,
I am so sorry, sweetie. Are you okay?
[laughter]
You didn't tell her we're getting
married, did you?
>> Well, she saw the ring.
>> Did she freak out?
>> Well, she was shocked when I told her,
but then again, so were most people,
>> right?
Well, she actually has a boyfriend, you
know, herself. Name's Clark. Uh, she
also kind of invited herself to our
wedding. Clark, too.
>> You said no, right?
>> Huh? [laughter]
You said no, right?
>> Well, she cornered me and she asked me
if the wedding was in town. I mean, what
was I supposed to do?
>> Why? [laughter]
How hard is that? Your checks in the
mail. Oh, your baby is so cute. I
[laughter]
I can't wait to read your book, Ross.
>> And so she comes to the wedding. Maybe
it won't be so bad.
>> When do you think she's just going to
sit there quietly? You don't think she's
going to want to make a toast? You don't
think she's going to want to grab the
microphone and sing part-time lover?
>> Oh my god. She's not going to like the
chicken that night, either, is she?
[laughter]
>> You know what? It's going to be okay.
You know what? She's probably not going
to even want to come.
>> Really?
>> No. That was a lie.
See how easy that was?
>> So So you would have just lied?
>> Yes.
>> Would have really been that easy?
>> Yes.
>> Good. So do it Saturday night cuz we're
going to dinner with her and Clark.
Now
>> you you've been quiet all morning. Is
everything okay? Mhm.
>> You sure you're all right?
>> Yep.
>> Okay. Um, well, I'm going to go uh grab
us some breakfast.
>> FYI,
>> there it is.
>> In the future, when a girl asks for some
ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it.
[laughter]
>> Wait, what? You're uh you're mad at me
about last night? I was just trying to
do the right thing. Really? Well, it
seems to me if you had done the right
thing, I would not have woken up today
feeling stupid and embarrassed. I would
have woken up feeling comforted and
satisfied.
[laughter]
>> Well,
>> oh, stop that.
>> I can't believe this. What? I I was just
being a good guy. I treated you with
with respect and understanding.
>> Oh, that is so hot.
>> Hey, [laughter] I was looking out for
you.
>> Oh, really? Well, Ross, you know what? I
am a big girl. I don't need someone
telling me what is best for me.
>> I got to say, I've not had sex a lot of
times before. This is the worst ever.
>> Oh, really? Really? Well, it wasn't very
good for me either.
>> Oh, okay. You know, hey, hey, you know
what? You know what? To avoid this
little thing in the future, let's just
say you and me never having sex again.
>> What?
>> That's right. Sex is off the table. I am
never having sex with you again.
[laughter]
Okay.
>> See,
>> she stole my jeans.
>> What?
>> I have been looking for them all week
and she is wearing them.
>> So, she stole your pants and then she
came back and wore them in front of you.
>> Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.
>> She must have been planning this for
years.
I will prove it to you. Okay. About a
week ago, I was wearing those jeans and
I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an
ink stain on the crotch. Now, when she
comes back, I will find it and show you
that stain.
>> Shouldn't we give her the benefit of the
doubt before we go snooping around her
crotch?
>> Hey. Hey.
>> You got a second?
>> Sure. Sure. Come on in.
>> Hello, sweetheart. Um,
what you what you guys doing here?
>> Uh, we are here to break up with you.
>> Both of you.
>> Basically, we think you're a horrible
human being and bad things should happen
to you.
>> I'm sorry. Sorry, God. I am so sorry.
I'm an idiot. I was weak. I I couldn't
help myself. Whatever I did, I only did
because I love you so much.
>> Uh, which one of us are you talking to
there, Bear? [laughter]
Mindy. Mindy. Of course, Mindy. It was
always Mindy.
>> Even when we were having sex in that
chair. Look,
>> I swear. Look, whatever I was doing, I
was always thinking of you.
>> Oh, please. During that second time, you
couldn't have picked her out of a
lineup.
>> You did it twice.
>> Well, the first time didn't really
count. I mean, you know, it was Barry.
We're already late for Phoe's birthday
dinner. So, you're going to put out that
cigarette. We're gonna put this fight on
hold and go have sex.
>> Fine. What?
>> Sex? This is the last day that I'm
ovulating and if we if we don't do it
now, then I'm gonna have to wait till
next month.
>> You're serious? [laughter]
>> Oh, yeah.
>> All right, fine. I'll do it. But no
talking
>> and no cuddling.
>> And no kissing your neck.
>> Oh, good. I hate it when you do that.
[cheering]
>> And lots of kissing your neck.
Hello.
>> Hello. Is Ross there?
>> Uh, no he's not. Can I take a message?
>> Yes. This is Russell, Ross' divorce
lawyer. Just tell him that since I
haven't heard from him, I assume he's
decided to give the marriage a try.
>> Ross got married again? [screaming] No.
[laughter]
>> All right, keep going. We are phasing
the accent out. Phasing it out.
So without retesting their results in
the laboratory,
the team would never have identified
the initial errors in their carbon
dating analysis. [laughter]
Were there any questions at this point?
>> Yes.
>> What's happening to your accent?
[laughter]
>> Come again. What's What's this nonsense?
[laughter]
All right. I'm I'm not English.
I'm from Long Island.
I was really nervous and the accent just
um just came out. [laughter]
I'm sorry.
So, if we could just get back to the
lecture.
Um,
were there any questions
[laughter]
about paleontology?
All right. Look, I was just trying to
make a good first impression. Obviously,
I screwed up. But what you guys think of
me is really important because I'm I'm
hoping to get a permanent job here. So,
if you just give me another chance to
make a good impression.
>> Russ, ARE YOU CRAZY? I AM STILL YOUR
WIFE? WHAT WERE YOU JUST NEVER GOING TO
TELL ME? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH
YOU? [laughter]
I could just kill you.
[laughter]
>> Well, Rachel,
>> you two were involved in a serious
relationship that really creates a
problem.
>> Ros, your honor, rest assured that
relationship ended two years ago. And
can you please strike Consummated Like
Bunnies from the record?
Is [laughter] there anything in this
record that is actually true?
>> Uh well, yes. We uh we got married in
Vegas and uh and the names I think.
>> Well, based on what I've heard, you two
certainly don't qualify for an anolment.
>> If you don't want to be together, you'll
have to file for divorce.
>> That's great. You happy now? Look what
you did with your funny funny form.
>> What me? What about YOU AND YOUR
CONSUMMATED LIKE BUNNIES NONSENSE?
NOW, what are you typing that for? She
already said we don't get the anulment.
Don't type that. What? Stop typing. Hey,
stop typing.
Stop typing. Stop typing.
>> Okay. Do you see? Do you see what you
are keeping me married to?
>> You need to get out of my chambers.
>> All right. Look, lady. Here is the deal.
I came here for an anolment, and I am
not leaving here until I get one.
>> Would you like to spend the night in
jail?
>> Okay. Thank you for your time.
>> Why are your eyes so wide?
>> You tell me. [laughter]
Maybe it's because I was just fooling
around with my ex. Oh, no. No, no, no,
NO. THAT WAS YOU.
>> Oh my god.
>> All right.
>> How did you know?
>> Joey told me he saw you two kissing
>> in the park. [cheering]
>> No, in his office. How many kisses were
there?
>> Just those two.
>> WH WHY WHY WHY WAS THERE KISSING? THERE
should be no kissing. Oh, I'm sorry,
honey. I'm so so so
I'm so so sorry. I just BUT I OH, WHAT
HAPPENED WAS I I I can't breathe. Did
you get me a bag or something?
>> Here. Here.
>> There.
[laughter]
It's the receipt.
>> I'll take it.
>> It was a mistake. I made a mistake.
Okay.
>> A mistake? What were you trying to put
it in? her purse.
Where? Where did he put it? [laughter]
>> Ros, you had sex with another woman.
>> Oh my god.
>> Oh god. I knew something had to be wrong
because my fingernails did not grow at
all yesterday.
>> Yeah. Well, I guess they had a fight and
he got drunk.
>> You guys knew about this and you didn't
tell us.
>> He had sex and we get hit in our heads.
>> You know what? I want you to leave. Get
out of here. Just get out.
>> No, I know. I want to stay. I want to
talk about this.
>> Okay. All right. How was she?
>> Uh-oh.
>> What
>> was she good?
>> Don't answer that. [laughter]
>> Rose, you said you wanted to talk about
it. Let's talk about it. How was she?
>> She was awful.
>> She was not good. Not good. Nothing
compared to
She She was different. Oh.
>> Uhoh.
>> Good. Different.
>> Nobody likes change.
>> Should we do something?
>> Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel.
>> I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. I I was
disgusted with myself and then this
morning I was so I was I was so upset
and then I got your message and I was so
happy and all I wanted was to get her
out of my apartment as fast as possible.
>> What time did your little friend leave?
[laughter]
>> Oh my god. She was there.
>> She was still there. She was in there
WHEN I WAS IN THERE.
[screaming]
ask you.
>> Listen. Oh, hey. Hey. The important
thing is she meant she meant nothing to
me.
>> And yet SHE WAS WORTH JEOPARDIZING OUR
RELATIONSHIP.
>> LOOK, I didn't think there was a
relationship to jeopardize. I thought we
were broken up.
>> We were on a break.
>> That for all I knew could last forever.
That to me is a break up.
>> You think you're going to get out of
this on a technicality?
>> I'm not trying to get out of anything,
okay? I thought our relationship was
dead. Well, you sure had a hell of a
time at the wake. [laughter]
>> You know what? I don't think we should
listen to this anymore.
>> What are you doing? I can't go out
there.
>> Why not? I'm hungry.
[laughter]
>> Because they'll know we've been
listening. God, I'd have to hear about
it from Gunther.
>> Come on. Like I wanted him to tell you,
I ran all over the place trying to make
sure that didn't happen.
>> Oh, that is so sweet.
I think I'm falling in love with you all
over again.
>> You know what? I think we can go out
there. I mean, they have more important
things to worry about.
>> Yeah, we'll be fine.
>> Look, Rachel, I wanted to tell you. I
thought I should. I I did. And then
Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
[laughter]
>> Wax the door shut. We're never leaving
up. I
>> I love your breasts the way they are. H
fascist. [laughter]
>> Well, my breasts are going to get bigger
whether you like it or not. And and you
know what? It's not just my breasts. My
ass is going to get bigger, too.
>> Your ass?
[laughter]
>> Yeah. And don't be surprised if her
hands and her feet get bigger, too.
>> They do that?
>> It's kind of a package deal.
>> God, why? Why would you want to do that
to yourself?
>> I thought it was something that we both
wanted. [snorts] All
right, look. If it means that much to
you, I may be able to get on board with
the big boobs, but the giant ass and the
big clown feet. [laughter]
>> Oh my god, Chandler. If you can't handle
this, what are you going to be like in
the hospital with the blood and the
screaming and the little person that's
shooting out of her? [laughter]
>> What?
>> Oh. Oh.
Whoops. Oh, I seem to have dropped my
fork.
Let me just bend over and get it.
[laughter]
[laughter]
Oh god.
[laughter]
>> Okay, enough. This is This is not going
to happen.
>> Oh, come on, Ros. I'm miserable here.
Come on. You started this. Now you
finish it.
>> Come on, West. Big love to me.
>> [laughter]
>> You know what?
>> What?
>> Forget it.
>> Oh, wow. What? Now, Ross, you're not
going to talk? How on earth will you
ever annoy me?
Oh, wait a minute. I know.
[snorts]
>> I mean, you think the damn jalapeno
would have cleared up your sinuses, but
no, that's not enough. What are you
doing? I'M GETTING THAT BABY OUT OF YOU.
[cheering]
>> Oh god.
>> Oh, I know.
>> Oh no.
>> I think my water just broke.
>> I am good. [laughter]
[cheering]
>> Monica,
>> she's sleeping.
[laughter]
I know. Just quick quick quick question.
Which one was Deep Impact and which one
was Armageddon?
[laughter]
>> Deep Impact was the one with Robert
Dval. Armageddon is what's going to
happen to you if you wake me up.
[laughter]
>> Sorry, I just can't sleep.
Where is that book that you were reading
with the two women who were ice skating
and wearing wearing those hats with the
flowers on it? Because every time I look
at that cover, I'm like,
>> it is in the living room where there is
also a light and no one will kick you in
the shin.
>> What? Ow.
I'm sorry. I thought maybe I'd make some
warm milk and it would help me sleep
>> with a walk.
[laughter]
>> Thought you were going to read my boring
book to put you to sleep.
>> It got interesting.
Damn you, Oprah. [laughter]
>> Here, let me make the milk. I'm up
anyway.
>> Hey, you know what we could do? You
know, now that we're up, we could just
like talk to each other all night long,
you know, like we did when we were first
going out. It'd be fun.
>> Okay, that does sound fun.
>> Yeah. So, how bummed were you when the
second sister died? Huh?
>> The second sister dies. [laughter]
>> No,
[laughter]
no. I I I was talking about the book I
was reading,
>> The Second Sister Dies in Archie and Jug
Head Double Digest. [laughter]
>> That's correct.
>> And I were talking and and I was so
upset about the hall being knocked down
and she suggested that we just put the
wedding off for a bit.
>> She said what?
>> She said, "If I'm not going to be happy
getting married somewhere that we can
find in a day, well, then we should just
postpone it.
Postpone it.
>> Emily, do you think Monica realizes how
much our parents spent on this wedding?
Huh? Do you think my sister's teeny tiny
little brain comprehends that people
took time out of their lives to fly
thousands of miles to be here? Huh?
[laughter]
>> This isn't right.
>> I realize that people are going to be
disappointed.
But I'm sure they'll come back when we
can do it right.
>> Well, I can't ask people to do that.
Would you ask people to do that?
>> Don't you point your pants at me.
[laughter]
>> We have no choice. Anywhere that's half
decent will have been booked months ago.
Ross, don't you understand? This is our
wedding I'm talking about.
>> The only thing I understand is
postponing it is not an option. This is
when we're getting married.
>> So, what are you saying? It's now or
never?
>> No, I'm saying it's now
>> or.
>> There's no or in mine. What is wrong
with these pants?
>> It's not the pants. It's you who's
backwards. And if and if you don't
understand how important this is to me,
well then perhaps we shouldn't be
getting married at all.
>> What? Emily, NO. WAIT. STOP. EMILY,
PLEASE.
>> OH.
>> HEY.
>> HEY.
>> You know, I'm I'm really glad we decided
not to sleep together before the
wedding.
>> Oh, boy. Me, too. [laughter] You know, I
was thinking if we had a a big fight
>> and uh we broke up for a few hours.
>> Yeah.
>> Technically,
we could have sex again.
>> What do you think? Bossy and doineering.
[laughter]
>> The wedding is off. Sloppy and immature.
>> That's me.
My cousin Cassie's in the guest room.
We're supposed to have lunch.
>> Well, get rid of her. Obsessive and
shrill.
>> Shrill. The wedding is back on.
>> Maybe we should go. No, you guys, you
really don't have to go. We're done
talking. But
>> come on. Look, I know how you must
>> No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst
things you think about yourself. Now,
how would you feel if the one person
that you trusted the most in the world
not only thinks them, too, but actually
uses them as reasons not to be with you?
>> No, but but see, I want to be with you
in spite of all those things.
>> Oh, well, that's that's mighty big of
you, Ross. I said don't go. [laughter]
>> You know what? You know what? If if
things were the other way around, there
is nothing you could put on a list that
would that would ever make me not want
to be with you.
>> Well, then I guess that's the difference
between us. See, God never make a list.
>> What do we do?
>> What do you mean what do we do?
>> Twint.
Twint.
>> Taylor, you're panicking. Uh-huh. Join
me, won't you? [laughter]
>> Okay. What do you say we keep one and
then just like have an option on the
other one?
>> We can't split them up.
>> Why not? We could give each of them half
a medallion and then years later they'll
find each other [laughter]
and be reunited.
>> I mean, that's a great day for
everybody. [laughter]
>> Okay. What if the person who adopts the
other one is horrible?
>> What if they're not? What if it's
adopted by a king? Yeah, because I hear
the king is looking to adopt. [laughter]
>> Michael, we are not ready to have two
babies.
>> That doesn't matter. We have waited so
long for this. I don't care if it's two
babies. I don't care if it's three
babies. I don't care if the entire cast
of eight is enough comes out of there.
>> Well, it happened about six weeks ago
and uh I had just gotten home from work
and Ross was already there cuz I guess
he'd been hanging out with Joey.
>> You're welcome, buddy.
>> [laughter]
[applause]
>> Yeah, thanks. [laughter]
>> And so I had a lot of work to do and
Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to
help me out. And then we had a little
wine. We got to talking and next thing
you know, out of nowhere, Ross comes on
to me. [laughter]
>> That's That's a little misleading.
>> What is
>> the lie you just told [laughter]
>> that that you came on to me? There's the
one.
>> But you did. We can be Let's be honest.
>> Yes. Let's
[laughter]
>> You know what? Uh it's it's not
important. What's important is that is
that we're having a baby and it's not
doesn't matter who came on to who. Whom.
>> That's right.
[laughter]
>> You know, you kissed me first.
>> What? What? You were begging me to kiss
you. You you you were sending me signals
all over the place.
>> I was sending you signals. Oh, please.
Okay. Anyone in this room think that I
would actually send Ross begging
signals? Please show off hands.
[laughter]
>> You know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't
matter what people believe. What matters
is what happened.
>> Okay. Well, so these signals, Ross,
explain this to me cuz maybe I need to
be more careful. I mean, am I sending
you these signals right now?
>> You know what? You know what, Rachel?
Just Just drop it.
>> No, please show me how I begged you.
>> I can show you. I have it on videotape.
[laughter]
Wanted to
>> interesting.
[laughter]
>> Anyway,
um probably worked out for the best.
>> Yeah, sure.
>> Okay. In about 10 seconds, you're going
to see him kiss me. And in about five
seconds, you're going to see why.
>> Ross, did I ever tell you about the time
that I went backpacking through Western
Europe?
[laughter]
[laughter]
>> Hey, get ready to see some begging.
>> OH, YOU CAME ON to Ross.
[laughter]
>> What? Now I'm so happy.
>> What are you talking about?
>> You use the Europe story.
>> That's the magic story you use when you
want to have sex. [laughter]
>> How do you know about that story?
>> How do you know about that story?
[laughter]
>> I heard it from my friend Irene who
heard it from some guy.
>> Some guy? [cheering]
[applause]
>> No. No. She told me that his name was
Ken Adams.
[cheering]
[laughter]
>> Ken Adams.
>> I'm so sorry. Please stop freaking out.
>> I'm not freaking out.
[laughter]
>> Why would I be freaking out? A woman
named Hildy called and said we were
getting married, but that happens every
day.
[applause]
>> Honey, we were at this beautiful place
and I I I just put our names down for
fun. I mean, what's the harm in that?
>> Right here, MOM. [laughter]
>> TAYLOR, please don't think I was trying
to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel just
thought that
>> Phoebe and Rachel. So, the people that
knew about our wedding before me were
you, Phoebe and Rachel, Hildy, and
apparently some band called the
Starlight Magic 7, who are available, by
the way. [laughter]
>> It was a mistake. Please don't take this
to mean anything because it doesn't.
Okay.
>> Really?
>> Yes. If it really doesn't mean anything
because you know that I'm just not
ready.
>> I know. I know.
>> Okay.
>> All right. I'm going to go tell Joey
that that you're back. He's really
worried about you.
Hey, did she buy it?
Totally.
>> So, did Hilly show you the place?
>> Yeah, it's beautiful.
[cheering]
>> I can't believe you're going to ask
Monica to marry you.
>> I know.
[cheering]
>> Hello. My name is Clunkers.
>> May I please stay with you nice people?
>> Oh, I wish you could stay here, but
Chandler is allergic.
>> Extremely allergic. Okay. If I am
anywhere near a dog for more than 5
minutes, my throat will just close up.
>> That's odd, cuz this dog's been living
here for the past 3 days. [laughter]
>> Really,
[laughter] Taylor? If the dog has been
here that long and you haven't had a
reaction, maybe you're not allergic to
this dog.
>> Well, it still has to go, right?
>> Why?
Okay, it's um
>> Don't do it. [laughter]
>> Don't do what?
>> I have to.
>> Okay, it's time.
[laughter]
>> Okay. I HATE DOGS.
>> WHAT? WHAT?
>> CRAZY.
>> Told you.
>> They are needy. They are jumpy. And you
can't tell what they are thinking. And
that scares me a little bit. [laughter]
You're
>> right. THEY ARE SCARY. SHE JUST ATE A
TREAT OUT OF MY HAND. [laughter]
>> Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs?
I mean, not even puppies.
>> Is there a puppy here?
>> You don't like puppies? Okay, you are
new.
>> [laughter]
>> Look, Chandler, I told you never tell
anyone about this dog thing. It's like
Ross not liking ice cream.
>> You don't like ice cream?
>> It's too cold.
[laughter]
>> Okay, just the dogs make me a little
uncomfortable. Hurts my teeth.
[laughter]
And I don't want to say this. I don't
want you guys to hate me, but uh I don't
think I can be around that dog anymore.
Okay, so either the dog goes or I go.
Huh?
[laughter]
>> Oh my god.
[laughter]
>> Okay, Phoebe, we should probably go back
now.
>> Please don't leave me. I'll be lonely.
[laughter]
Stop it. Stop. Okay, let's go. Well, we
can be strong.
>> Yeah. Okay.
>> Oh my god. Did you hear that? She said,
"Monica,
[laughter]
I can't leave her."
>> You know, if you want, we could sneak
the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't
even know. That's not going to work. I
had that dog there for 3 days and
Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart.
>> Hey, [laughter]
I didn't know either.
>> Yeah, but you kind of knew that
something was going on, didn't you?
>> Yeah, I knew.
>> Hi, honey.
Please, please, please don't be mad at
me.
>> What? Why? Why would wait and see? Maybe
we will. Maybe we won't. [laughter]
>> Okay. I went over to Ross's apartment to
bring back clunkers, you know, for you.
And I [clears throat] left the door open
and she must have gotten out and I
looked everywhere all over the
apartment, including the roof, which
FYI, Ross, one of your neighbors growing
weed.
I couldn't find him and I am so so so
sorry. But I do know where we can all
go. Ease the pain. [laughter]
>> WE HAVE GOOD NEWS. LOOK WHO'S BACK.
>> HEY, LOOK. Oh my god.
>> That's right. She came back all by
herself. It's a Thanksgiving miracle.
It is so good to see you.
>> Yet she came all the way back from
Ross's building. Oh, the things she MUST
HAVE SEEN. [laughter]
>> And then she climbed up the fire escape
and she tapped on the window with her
teeny little paw. And then we ran to let
her in. [laughter]
I went too far, didn't I?
When should I have stopped? [laughter]
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