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Oh god.
[Applause]
>> What the hell are you doing? You scared
the crap out of me.
>> Was that the cake?
>> Yeah. Yeah. I got a lemon smoosh.
>> Come on. She'll be here any minute.
Hope it's okay.
>> Happy birthday, Pei.
>> Well, maybe we can make a a bee out of
one of those roses.
>> Yeah, we'll just use our special cake
tools.
>> Okay, what's going on?
[Applause]
>> Oh my god, it's so great.
>> Hope you enjoyed your stay.
>> Oh, we did. And you still have all your
lamps.
I didn't factor in the room tax.
>> Oh, dude, don't worry about it. Uh, I
found an unattended maid's card. We're
way ahead of the game.
>> Oh my god.
>> What?
>> There's There's something new in the
bowl.
>> Look, we have enough. Just walk away.
>> No, but I I want I want the pine cones.
>> There's a forest right outside.
>> It's not the same. Okay, go quick.
Thank you for a delightful stay.
>> My maple candy
family are gathered to celebrate here
today the joyous union of Ross and
Emily. Now, Ross, repeat after me. I
Ross,
>> I Ross, take thee, Emily. Take thee,
Rachel.
>> Emily.
Emily.
Shall I go on?
>> He He said Rachel, right? Do you think I
should go up there?
>> Yes. Yes, do go on. I think we better
start again.
>> Yes. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross.
>> I, Ross.
>> Take the Emily.
Take the Emily.
Like think like there'd be anybody else.
>> As my lawfully wed in sickness and in
health, till death pass us. as my
lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in
health until death parts us. Really? I
do. Emily,
you have the rings.
Emily, place this ring on Ross's finger
as a symbol of your bond everlasting.
Ross, place this ring in Emily's hand as
a symbol of the love that encircles you
forever.
>> Happy to.
Ross and Emily have made their
declaration, and it gives me great
pleasure to declare them husband and
wife.
You may kiss the bride.
This is worse than when he married the
lesbian.
[Music]
>> Just keep smiling.
>> Okay.
>> Well, that went well. Yeah.
>> Could have been worse. He could have
shot her.
That uh That was pretty funny, wasn't
it?
I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial
service.
>> Corey. Corey Weston.
>> Yeah.
>> You look amazing.
>> And you are
>> Chandler. Chandler Bang. And I'm not
gay. I'm not gay at all.
>> You are married though.
>> Don't listen to him. He's in a really
bad mood.
>> I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is
just so sad. I didn't know Ross and you
were so close.
>> Oh, we weren't. But we had one class
together. He was such a great guy and he
talked so passionately about science.
>> I always remembered him.
>> I'm sure that would mean a lot to him.
And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's
pressing his ear up against it and
listening intently.
>> I thought so many times about calling
him and asking him out. I guess I really
missed my chance.
>> Oh, you didn't.
I'm still alive.
>> Cory, I I know this is a big surprise
for you. It's a long story, but the
things you just said really made my day.
I mean, the fact that you're here means
more to me than than if this room were
filled with people.
>> You sick freak. Who does that? I can't
believe I had a crush on you.
Did you hear that? Corey Weston had a
crush on me.
>> This way is on. So this is
off.
>> Did you just break the radiator?
>> No. No. I was turning the knob and and
here it is.
>> Well, put it back.
It uh it won't go back.
>> Call the super. Here, let me try.
>> Oh. Oh, that's right. I forgot about
your ability to fuse metal.
>> Hey, it's Funny's cousin. Not funny. Hi,
Mr. Triger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from
upstairs. Yes, somebody uh broke our
knob on the radiator and it's really hot
in here.
Yes, it's it's hot enough to bake
cookies.
Well, well, do you think we could have a
new one by 6?
>> What? No. No. Tuesday. We can't wait
until Tuesday. We're having a party
tonight.
>> Okay. Tip the man.
>> No. If he doesn't like our cookies, too
bad. I'm not going to be blackmailed.
>> Look, if worst comes to worse, it gets a
little warm. We'll call it a theme
party.
>> Hey, here's a theme. Come on in. Live
like bacon.
>> Hey,
>> what's up?
You know. Oh my god.
>> What happened to your teeth?
>> I whitened them.
>> Really?
>> Yeah. What do you think?
>> Well, I think I shouldn't look directly
at them.
>> Come on. Seriously.
>> What if they're really really really
white?
>> Yeah. What was wrong with your old human
teeth?
I I did leave the gel on a little longer
than it said to.
>> How much longer?
>> Uh, a day.
>> You know that tonight is your date with
Hillary.
>> I know. Well, that's why I did it. Come
on. Are they really that bad?
>> No, no, no, no. You You'll be fine.
Hillary's blind, right?
>> She will be after tonight.
>> Oh, hey. Hey, Ra. Uh, do you notice
anything?
>> Yeah, your teeth. Yes, I saw them from
outside.
[Music]
Okay, maybe this will make your teeth
look less white.
>> Nope.
Nope. Okay, so uh colors that don't work
are blue, yellow, green, red, black,
white, orange, and purple.
>> I don't know what I'm going to do. The
date starts in like an hour.
>> Hey, Ross. Maybe if your skin was
lighter, your teeth wouldn't look so
bright.
>> Oh, great. So, all I need to do is get
some new skin. Thank you.
>> Just saying if you put just a little bit
of makeup on.
>> Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not 13 anymore.
>> Russ, this is the only thing left that
has a shot at working.
>> But won't she notice I have makeup on?
>> Please. Half the guys out there have
makeup on.
>> What?
>> Half the people. I mean, But just try it
and see.
>> No, I am not putting on makeup.
>> Hello. Oh, good. Ross, could you put up
some of these flyers for me?
>> No. Damon. Damon.
>> And after that, what could I do except
become a chef?
>> Mhm.
>> And someday soon, I hope to open my own
restaurant. M
>> you know, you're a really great
listener. Most guys I go out with, they
just talk and talk.
>> After a while, it's just like shut your
mouth. You know,
>> I've probably been talking too much. Why
don't we talk about you a little bit?
>> Come on. I want to know.
>> Okay. I um I'm from Long Island. I uh
came to the city for college. Um I uh I
have a a 5-year-old son and I in my
spare time I I like to read spy novels.
But but let's talk more about you. H
>> I've had a really good time tonight.
>> You know, I rarely connect with someone
this much on the first date.
>> Me neither.
I I've had a really good time, too, you
know.
>> Are you going to eat that bread?
>> Oh, I I just like the smell.
>> You make me laugh.
>> Would you like to move over to the
couch?
>> Mhm.
>> Maybe I'll just turn down the lights a
little.
How about all the way?
Okay.
>> Wow. Cool poster. Or should I say groovy
poster.
So, uh,
where were we?
[Applause]
>> Are those your teeth? Oh,
you you you can see them, huh?
>> Yes, they're insanely white.
>> Yeah, I I did that for you.
>> What's the matter with you?
>> What's the matter with me? You've got a
black light. It's 1999.
>> But I told you on the phone, I don't
have time to stop.
>> Okay, you don't have to stop. I'm
invisible. I'm not here.
>> Yeah, but I don't
Who approved that order? Well, there is
no Mark Robinson in this office. Get me
Mark on the phone. I love Mark. Do you
know Mark? Yeah.
>> Well, let me just check up with what
I've got here. All right. See, 038 is
not the number for this score. 038 is
Atlanta.
>> Pepper.
>> None for me.
I'm sorry. As I was saying, the store
number is wrong and I'm sorry, but that
Oh my god.
>> Okay.
>> Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
>> Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm going to have
to call you back. I've got shmp in my
office.
>> What are you doing?
>> I'm sorry, but um Hey. Oh, somebody's
off the phone. How about a glass of wine
by the fire? I'd get it going again if
you Maybe we should go.
>> No, you guys, you really don't have to
go. We're done talking.
>> Come on. Look, I know how you must.
>> No, you don't. Ross, imagine
the worst things you think about
yourself. Now, how would you feel if the
one person that you trusted the most in
the world not only thinks them too, but
actually uses them as reasons not to be
with you?
>> No, but but see, I want to be with you
in spite of all those things.
Oh, well that's that's mighty big of
you, Ross. I said don't go.
>> You know what? You know what? If if
things were the other way around, there
is nothing you could put on a list that
would that would ever make me not want
to be with you.
>> Well, then I guess that's the difference
between us. See, God never make a list.
[Music]
What is that?
>> I think it's the dying cat parade.
>> Sounds like it's coming from across the
street.
>> Oh my god.
>> What?
>> You know that thing that Ross was going
to do at our wedding? He was hanging out
with me yesterday and he turned to me
and he said, "You're half Scottish,
right?"
>> No, there is no way to not be Ross.
[Music]
Why is your family Scottish?
>> Why is your family Ross?
>> You cannot play our wedding. I mean,
everyone will leave. I mean, come on.
That is just noise.
It's not even a song.
If you listen very carefully, I think
it's celebration by calling the gang.
[Music]
>> Well, I feel like a snack.
>> Do you want some shortbread? It's
Scottish like you are.
>> Oh, no thanks. I don't like anything
from my Scottish heritage. What?
Well, just my entire family was run out
of Scotland by
Vikings.
>> Well, it sounds to me like your family's
ready to uh rediscover its Scottish
roots.
>> You can't play bag pipes at the wedding.
>> How did you know about that?
>> We heard you play all the way from your
apartment.
>> Were you the ones who called the cops?
>> That's not really important right now.
What is important is while we appreciate
the gesture, we just don't feel that bag
pipes are appropriate for our wedding.
>> Why not?
>> Because we hate them.
>> Just just give me a chance to perform
for you and then decide whatever you
want. And I'm not going to tell you what
song I'm going to play either, but uh
let's just say when it's over, I'll bet
there'll be a wee bit o celebration.
Remember,
I'm I'm still learning.
[Music]
>> 1 2 3 4
[Applause]
[Music]
You know the song. Sing along.
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
So,
>> no.
[Music]
>> Oh, isn't this nice? So quiet. I could
just lie here all day.
>> Oh, no.
>> Open your drapes. Open your drapes.
>> So glad we got adjoining rooms.
The sun is out.
>> Hey, remember when I had cornneas?
>> Okay, listen. You go down to the pool
and reserve the chairs and I'll get the
magazines and the lotion.
>> Uh, ladies, Ross's speech is in 45
minutes.
>> Damn it.
>> Walls are pretty thin, guys.
>> Then we have to weigh the data from
recent MRI scans and DNA testing.
which call into question information
gathered from years of simple carbon
dating.
>> Got that woman sitting out by the pool
getting tan
>> material
all leathery and wrinkled. I'm so
jealous.
>> Finally, factor in the profusion of new
species recently discovered.
Gigantosaurus,
Argentinosaurus,
>> not to mention Coldaurus.
And that's just the herbivores. I'm not
even going to discuss the carnivores.
Their heads are already too big, which
is ironic considering their stunted
cerebral development.
[Laughter]
>> Really?
>> So that's two boxes of the holiday
macaroons.
On behalf of the Brownirds of America, I
salute you.
Just a minute, Charlie. You have no
backhand.
>> Excuse me, little one. I have a very
solid backhand.
>> Shielding your face and shrieking like a
girl's not a backhand.
>> I was shrieking
like a marine.
All right, here. Watch me execute the
three Ps of championship play. Power,
precision, and patch.
You broke a little girl's leg.
>> I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Says here
that a muppet got whacked on Sesame
Street last night.
Where exactly were you around Kenish?
>> Do you not want to be seen with me?
>> What? No. Of of course I do. Are are
they gone?
>> Uh, no. They're still here. But I think
I'm about to leave.
>> What? No. No, wait. What?
You're right. This is stupid. Who cares
what people think? I mean, we we like
each other, right? There's nothing wrong
with that.
Come on,
Bert. Lydia, Mel,
>> this is Elizabeth.
>> Hi.
>> Aren't you in my popular culture class?
>> That's right, Lydia. Elizabeth here is a
student and uh we're dating and you may
frown upon that, but we're not going to
hide it anymore.
You are so fired.
What? They're going to fire you. You
can't date a student. It's against the
rules. Really? It's not just frowned
upon. It
>> was a mistake. I made a mistake. Okay.
>> A mistake? What were you trying to put
it in? Her purse.
Where? Where did he put it?
>> Ros, you had sex with another woman.
>> Oh my god.
>> Oh god. I knew something had to be wrong
because my fingernails did not grow at
all yesterday.
>> Yeah. Well, I guess they had a fight and
he got drunk.
>> You guys knew about this and you didn't
tell us.
>> He had sex and we get hit in our heads.
>> You know what? I want you to leave. Get
out of here. Just get out. No, I know. I
want to stay. I want to talk about this.
>> Okay. All right. How was she?
>> Uh-oh.
>> What
>> was she good?
>> Don't answer that.
>> I know. She said you wanted to talk
about it. Let's talk about it. How was
she?
>> She was
>> awful.
>> She was not good. Not good.
>> Nothing compared to you.
She She was different. Oh.
>> Uhoh.
>> Good. Different.
>> Nobody likes change.
>> Should we do something?
>> Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel.
>> I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. I I was
disgusted with myself and then this
morning I was so I was I was so upset
and then I got your message and I was so
happy and all I wanted was to get her
out of my apartment as fast as possible.
>> Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
>> What time did your little friend leave?
>> Oh my god. She was there.
>> She was still there. She was in there
when I was in there.
ask you.
>> Listen. Oh, hey. Hey, the important
thing is she meant she meant nothing to
me.
>> And yet, she was worth jeopardizing our
relationship.
>> Look, I didn't think there was a
relationship to jeopardize. I thought we
were broken up.
>> We were on a break.
>> That, for all I knew, could last
forever. That to me is a break up.
>> You think you're going to get out of
this on a technicality?
>> I'm not trying to get out of anything,
okay? I thought our relationship was
dead. Well, you sure had a hell of a
time at the wake.
>> You know what? I don't think we should
listen to this anymore.
>> What are you doing? I can't go out
there.
>> Why not? I'm hungry.
>> Because they'll know we've been
listening. God, I'd have to hear about
it from Gunther.
>> Come on. Like I wanted him to tell you,
I ran all over the place trying to make
sure that didn't happen.
>> Oh, that is so sweet.
I think I'm falling in love with you all
over again.
>> You know what? I think we can go out
there. I mean, they have more important
things to worry about.
>> Yeah, we'll be fine.
>> Look, Rachel, I wanted to tell you. I
thought I should. I I did. And then
Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
>> Wax the door shut. We're never leaving.
[Music]
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