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Hi you guys. Hi.
>> Hey. What's the matter? Well, it's just
it's one of these situations that I just
hate. You know, a massage client gave me
three tickets to the helmet pelts
exhibit at the Morgan Chase Museum.
>> Now you're thinking you're going to
sleep with them.
>> No, no. It's just that he gave me three
tickets and there are six of us.
>> I'll give up my ticket. Me, too.
>> Okay. That's so generous.
>> And I think Ross is generous, too.
Great. Okay, then it's just us girls.
Great.
>> Yeah.
>> So, what what is the exhibit?
>> It's mostly just photographs of um
lesbian love scenes interspersed with
video games and free sandwiches.
>> Oh, man.
>> Hey.
>> Hi there.
>> Hey, Ross. Listen, Chandler got you out
of going to the lesbian sandwich museum
this weekend.
>> Hey.
>> Hey, Bie. Guess what? What? Joey just
hired Chandler to be his assistant.
>> Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, hang on.
Hang on.
Go.
No, no, no. I said sell when it hits 50.
5. It's a number. It comes after 49.
No, it's okay. It's okay. You're allowed
one mistake.
>> Just kidding. You are of course fired.
[Music]
>> Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Go. Who's this? Oh, okay. You're going
to like working for me. What's your
name? What kind of name is Brindy?
I whatever. Stop talking.
>> All right. Um, from now on, your name is
Joan. You can pick your own last name.
>> No. No. No. No. Wait. You didn't just
sit on my Kit Kats, did you?
>> No. There. There was a a little little
dip in the market and I lost $13
million.
>> But the Kit Kats are all right.
>> What am I going to do? What am I going
to do? I can't call my office. They'll
kill me. I can't call my clients.
They'll kill themselves.
Great. Well, now my chest hurts.
>> What? My chest hurts.
And now I I can't breathe.
>> Baby, are you having a heart attack?
>> Well, if I were, would would I have
shooting pains up and down my left arm?
>> Yes. Then yes, that is what I'm having.
Oh my god.
>> Come on, Feebs. It's not that bad. You
know, most people would be excited if
they didn't have to work for a couple of
weeks.
>> Most people don't like their jobs. I
love my job. I've been not working for 3
hours and I'm already going crazy. I
miss Joan.
>> Honey, having a heart attack is nature's
way of telling you to slow it down.
>> I always thought having a heart attack
was nature's way of telling you to die.
>> But you're not going to die. I mean, you
are going to die, but you're not going
to die today.
I wish I was dead.
>> Let's take a walk. You know, maybe you
should consider writing for Talking Out
of Your Ass magazine.
>> Oh, here it is. Oh, Joey, why did you
sign it? Son of a
>> I didn't do that. Who would have done
that?
>> Son of a
>> Okay, maybe ask this guy.
>> You get out of my shop.
>> What? What did he do? He went out with
my wife.
>> Joey?
>> Well, I I Hey, I did not go out with
your wife. Okay. I I went out with her.
>> That's my wife.
>> Get out.
>> We should go.
>> Found you in my bed.
How' you wind up there? You are a
mystery.
Little black curly hair.
Little black hair. Little black. Little
black. Little black. Little black. A
little black curly hair.
Thank you.
Um, now if you want to receive emails
about my upcoming shows, then please
give me money so I can buy a computer.
>> You got the kind with the little girl.
You said we were going to get the kind
with the baby.
>> No, you said the baby creeps you out.
No, the little girl creeps me out.
>> You said the baby.
>> Why would the baby creep me out?
>> Why would the little girl creep you out?
>> You guys, I'm sorry. Can you please talk
a little slower?
>> This is going in your book.
>> Yeah, it's about relationships. You
know, the traps, the pitfalls, what not
to do. Keep going. This stuff's great.
>> Excuse me. And how none of it matters
when the people really love each other.
>> And how people will believe anything you
tell them as long as it's a compliment.
[Applause]
So, do you think uh Joey's more charming
than me?
>> Yeah, that's why I'm sleeping with him
on the side.
>> Yeah, you wish.
>> You wish.
>> Stop writing about us.
>> I'm not writing about you. I'm writing
about other people.
>> Who?
>> Marsha and Chester.
>> Okay, fine. Fine. Then you know what? I
will just write about Phyllis.
>> Huh?
>> Phyllis is sitting in the chair.
>> Oh,
>> I see what you're doing. Phyllis sees
what I'm doing.
>> Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and
it is bitter.
>> Guys, look who's back.
>> Hey, Febs.
>> Call security.
>> Fees. Uh, didn't you get fired?
>> I don't think so.
>> Phoebe.
>> Jack. Hey,
>> what are you doing here?
>> All better. Back to work. Except this
clown from research told me I was fired.
He should do his research, huh?
>> Well, you were fired.
>> Nuh-uh.
>> I told that guy who answered your phone.
>> Oh, okay. I didn't get that message, so
this doesn't count. Anyway, I'll be in
my office.
>> Uh, Phoebe, you you you don't have an
office.
>> That's all right. I'll I'll work right
here. This is good. next to this plant.
>> You're in my office.
>> Look, I have made a lot of cash for this
company. Okay, I am talking big bucks,
pesos, yen, rubles. You make one little
mistake.
>> You lost $13 million.
>> Oh, so now this is all about money.
You know it's bad enough then. Ow. Oh,
you have got to be kidding.
>> Are you all right?
>> I'm having another heart attack.
>> What? I'm having another heart attack.
Call 911.
>> Hey,
>> dumbass.
>> Hey, thieves. How's it going? They fired
me and I'm having a heart attack. Well,
welcome back.
>> Yeah, I think you've had enough to
drink. I'm just helping the kids.
>> How is you drinking helping the kids?
>> Because the more I drink, the less there
is for the kids to drink.
Mr. Tribani,
>> your generous contribution brings us a
big step closer to building the youth
center.
>> Just out of curiosity, how how much is
that boat worth?
>> I think it was valued at 19,000.
>> That was pretty close.
>> Uh, so bad news. Um, I can't buy the
boat. I don't have any money.
>> I will look in the back closet.
>> I can save you time, ladies. I'm right
here.
>> Yeah. Chandler, why don't you take a
walk? This doesn't concern you.
>> We are looking for our Christmas
presents for Monica.
>> What? That's terrible.
>> No. No. We do it every year.
>> Oh, well that that makes it not
terrible.
>> No. Yeah, we never find them. She's
always best at us. That wy minkx.
>> Yeah. Don't worry. We're just going to
search here for an hour and then we're
going to go over to Joey's and search.
Okay. No, not okay. You can't look for
Monica's presents.
>> Oh, no. We have to.
>> No, you don't have to. And you can't
because I I live here, too.
>> Well, then you should look with us.
>> Why?
>> Chandler, aren't you worried about what
to get Monica for Christmas?
>> No. I have a great idea for a present
for her.
>> Oh, that's it? A great idea? I guess.
>> Chandler, that's not enough. I mean,
what if she gets you a great present,
two medium presents, and then a bunch of
little presents, and you've just gotten
her one great present? I mean, that's
just going to make her feel bad. Why
would you do that to her, Chandler? Why?
Why?
>> If I helped, we could find him faster.
>> That's right.
[Music]
We're going to find love. Definitely.
>> Yeah, I'm pretty confident about that.
That's what makes it so easy for me to
be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler.
>> It'd be nice to have a little guarantee,
though. What do you mean? Well, you
know, some people make deals with a
friend, like if neither of them are
married, by the time they're 40, they
marry each other. Mhm. You mean a
backup?
>> Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, I've got
that.
>> You do?
>> Mhm.
>> Who? Joey. Joey?
>> Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah, I locked
him in years ago.
>> Wait, so if neither of you were married
by the time you're 40, you're going to
marry Joey?
>> Yeah, we shook on it.
>> Yeah, but believe me, that is not how he
wanted to seal the deal.
>> Oh, seriously?
>> Oh, yeah. I think his exact words were
>> charming.
He's just a backup.
Rachel's not going to pick your stupid
guy.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> Yeah. My guy is a lawyer who does
volunteer work and he has one of these.
>> A face ass.
>> A chin dimple. Well, uh, you know, our
guy works with Chandler and he's really
nice and smart and he's a great dresser.
Have you seen your guy's body?
>> No. Our guy is just a floating head.
>> Well, my guy is spectacular. Okay. He's
a massage client. And one time, um, when
he was on the table, I looked at it. And
I mean all of it.
>> You're not supposed to look.
>> Oh, yeah. Like they're police for that.
>> But you look you you massage me.
>> I know.
>> All right, fine. Your guy may have a
great body, but our guy is really funny.
>> Oh, Chandler funny.
>> Our guy's a great dancer. My guy's well
read.
>> Our guy has great hair. My guy has great
teeth.
>> Our guy smells incredible.
>> Do you want our guy to be your guy?
>> The 9 millionth ring store we've been
to, and I can't find the perfect ring.
Ugly ring. Ugly ring. Ugly ring.
It's a beautiful selection.
>> Okay, so maybe you don't get her a ring.
Maybe you maybe you do something
different, you know? Maybe you get her
an engagement bracelet, you know, or an
engagement tiara or an engagement
revolutionary war musket.
>> You know, I'm so glad I picked you to
help me with this.
>> Can't you just imagine getting down on
one knee and handing her this gorgeous
piece of weaponry?
>> Yeah, I'm going to stick with the ring.
>> It only takes two heart attacks to
finally make you see. One of them won't
do it, but the second will set you free.
Tell all your hate and anger it's time
to say goodbye. And that is just what I
will do. Soon as those bastards I worked
for die,
[Applause]
[Music]
the most beautiful engagement ring ever.
>> Yeah. Well, you should know. You bought
like a billion of them.
>> Yeah, you didn't get one.
>> Okay. Well, tonight's the big night.
>> Hey, listen. How you going to ask her?
>> It is going to be perfect. I am taking
her to her favorite restaurant, I'm
going to get her a bottle of the
champagne that she really loves,
therefore knows how expensive it is.
Then, when the glasses are full, instead
of proposing a toast, I'm just going to
propose.
>> It sounds perfect.
>> You're going to mess it up. Let me do
it.
>> I'm not going to mess it up.
>> If she says no, can I have the ring?
>> She's not going to say no. If
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Give it.
>> It's gone.
>> Phoebe.
>> We're practically kissing.
[Music]
>> Hey.
>> Hey. Hey, what have you guys been up to?
>> Oh, we went to a self-defense class
today.
>> Wow.
>> Yeah. Kicking a guy in the crotch all
morning really takes it out of you.
>> Takes it out of you.
>> No. Now we can kick anybody's ass.
>> Yeah.
>> After one class, I don't think so.
>> What? You want to see me self-defend
myself? Go over there and pretend you're
a sexual predator. Go on. I dare you.
>> Of course you could defend yourself from
an attack you know is coming. That's not
enough. Look, I studied karate for a
long time,
and there's a concept you should really
be familiar with. It's what the Japanese
call unagi.
>> Isn't that a kind of sushi?
>> No, it's a concept.
>> Yeah, it is. It is. It's freshwater
heel.
>> All right. Maybe it means that, too.
>> Oh, I would kill for a salmon skin roll
right now.
No, fine. Get attacked. I don't even
care.
>> Come on, Ross. We're sorry. Please tell
us what it is.
>> Unagi is a state of total awareness.
Okay. Only by achieving true unagi can
you be prepared for any danger that may
befall you.
>> You mean in case someone's trying to
steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your
kettle of fish?
All I'm saying is it's one thing being
prepared for an attack against like each
other. Whole another story. Being
prepared for an attack. I don't know.
Like surprise.
[Laughter]
All right. You knew that was coming. But
that doesn't mean you have unagi.
[Applause]
Oh, you know what? If we made
reservations, we could have unagi in
about a half hour.
[Music]
>> It was good.
>> Oh, yeah.
[Laughter]
>> What the hell was that?
>> A lesson in the importance of unagi.
[Applause]
>> You're a freak. Perhaps.
Now, I'm curious. At what point during
those girish screams would you have
begun to kick my ass?
>> All right. So, we weren't prepared.
>> I'm sorry I had to take such drastic
measures to make my point, but I look, I
just want you guys to be safe.
>> Danger.
Uhhuh.
Unagi
[Music]
[Applause]
>> danger.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Ah,
salmon skin roll.
[Music]
Pat Satac. Yeah. Alex Tbec. Oh, of
course. Chuck Woolery. FE. Definitely
Phoebe. You will not find a single game
show host whose ass I cannot kick.
[Laughter]
>> Say it. Say we are Unagi.
It's not something you are, it's
something you have.
>> Say it.
>> You know what? I could easily get out of
this, but there's a chance you could get
very, very hurt.
[Music]
Uh-huh.
Nowhere to run.
>> I don't like sitting up here. I'm I'm
going to go over. Rachel, they got here
first.
[Laughter]
>> Why is Ross doing that?
>> Danger.
>> Oh my god. Why is he jumping on those
women?
>> We should help them.
I I don't think they need any help.
Hey, I'm here.
>> Oh my god.
>> You like it?
>> It's my new apothecary table.
>> Ros Stevie is going to be here any
second. She cannot see this.
>> Oh, why not? She'll She'll love it. It's
the real thing. I got it at Pottery
Barn.
>> I know you did. I bought the same one.
And if she sees your table, she's going
to know that I lied to her. I told her
that ours was an original.
>> Why did you do that?
>> Because she hates Pottery Barn.
>> She hates Pottery Barn.
>> I know. I know. She says it's all
mass-produced. Nothing is authentic. And
everyone winds up having the same stuff.
>> So, come on. She's going to be here any
second. Can we please just cover this up
with something, please?
>> What? No. No. I am not going to hide it
from Phoebe. Oh. Although, I did get
some great Pottery Barn sheets.
Oh, I forgot they made sheets.
>> Yeah,
>> I still can't believe she hates Pottery
Barn.
>> Ross, get over it. It's not like she
hates you.
>> Yeah, but Pottery Barn,
>> you know, when I think she's just she's
weird, you know? It's because she's a
twin. Twins are weird.
>> Ross, she's not weird. She just likes
her stuff to be one of a kind. Huh? You
know what's not one of a kind? A twin.
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Oh, Phoebe's here. Okay. So, let's turn
out all the lights and we'll just watch
the movie. Okay. Hey. Ooh, cool sheet.
>> Oh, you like it? You want to know where
I got it?
>> Sure. They got They got it at a flea
market.
>> You bought your sheets at a flea market.
Ross, come on. You got to loosen the
purse strings a little.
[Music]
[Laughter]
Hey babes, can you please not put your
feet up on my new
old sheet?
>> My apothecary table.
>> What? No.
>> Ross, where did you get this?
>> I got it at Pottery Barn. Okay.
Oh my god. Baby Pottery Barn has ripped
off the design of our antique.
>> Wow.
>> Oh my god. Well, if they've ripped off
our table, ours must be worth much more
than $150.
>> Well, this doesn't even smell like
opium.
>> Of course not. It smells like wine,
which you spilled. And thanks for
wrecking my sheet, by the way.
>> Oh, Ross, calm down. I'll give you the
80 cents.
How you going?
>> I'm doing okay. I think it's going well.
Do you think they're having fun? Am I
talking too fast?
>> Nope. Sound like me.
>> Babes, it's going great. Look at
Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.
>> Little baby girl Chandler. Where have I
heard that before? All right, Coach
Ruben.
>> You know what, Feebs? Uh, when you're
done over there, we've got a kind of
situation over here, too.
>> Nuh-uh. No, we are all responsible for
our own babies.
>> See, that's where I think that you're
wrong. We've been playing these babies
manto man. We should really be playing a
zone defense.
>> What do you mean?
>> I just think things will go a lot
smoother if we each have our own zone.
You know, Phoebe, you can be in charge
of wiping
and you know, mine, you can be in charge
of diapering and I can be in charge of
looking how cute they are when they put
their hands around.
>> That sounds really great. But maybe you
should be in charge of wiping.
>> Okay, I'm a rookie. I should not be in
the end zone.
>> Hi.
>> Hey.
>> Oh, what's the matter?
>> Well,
you know that psychic I see?
>> Yeah.
>> Well, she told me that I'm going to die
this week, so I'm kind of bummed about
that.
>> What?
>> Yeah. And I know you guys don't know a
lot about psychic readings, but that one
is pretty much the worst one you can
get.
>> That's crazy.
>> I can't believe she would say that to
you.
>> Yeah, honey. You don't believe her, do
you? I don't. She, you know, said that
I'd have triplets, but she also said one
of them would be black.
>> Just out of curiosity, did she tell you
how you're going to go?
>> No, cuz she didn't tell me I was going
to die till the very end of the session,
and I was not going to waste a whole
other hour there. I mean, I've only got
a week left, you know? I've really got
to start living now.
[Music]
>> Hey. Hey, Feb. You're still alive.
How are you feeling?
>> Oh, it's so exhausting waiting for
death.
Oh, by the way, do you think you
peeps? What are you doing?
>> I was preparing you for my death. Didn't
you think I was dead? Did that not come
off?
>> Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of me. I
thought we'd lost you forever.
Fibs, do you want to lie down?
>> Yeah. Thanks. And listen, can you do me
a favor? Could you just um wake me up in
a couple hours? You know, if you can
[Applause]
Hey. Hey, listen to this. My reading was
wrong. I'm not going to die.
>> Really? How do you know? Because my
psychic is dead.
She must have read the cards wrong.
>> Oh, I'm sorry. Ah, better her than me.
>> Hey, let's bake cookies. So, you go
ahead. I'll catch up. Okay. Okay.
>> Come on. Let's start running. Let's go.
[Music]
>> You guys, I'm telling you, when she
runs, she looks like a cross between
Kermit the Frog and the $6 million man.
Monica had such a crush on him that she
used to kiss his poster every night
before she went to bed.
>> Oh, I used to do that, too.
>> Did you also have his album? It's not
easy being green.
>> Oh,
so Phoebe runs weird, huh?
>> Yeah. Yeah. You know what? And and I
know she's going to want to run again. I
just don't I don't know how to get out
of it. I mean, I live with her. Why
don't you just be straight with her?
Tell her the truth.
>> You're right.
>> You're right. I should just tell her the
truth.
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Hey, babe. Monica tripped me. I don't
think I can ever run again. Ever.
>> Why? Why would you do that?
>> I don't know.
>> Rachel, I'm sorry that I hurt your
ankles. Ankle. We'll see.
[Music]
Hi.
>> Oh, yeah. Hi, it's me. I saw you grab
your running shoes this morning and
sneak out. You lied so you could run by
yourself.
>> No. No, Phoebe. No, I was No, you know
what? I was I was actually just checking
to see if I could run, and I can.
>> Please, Rachel. I am not an idiot.
>> No, wait, Phoebe.
[Music]
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