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I'll tell you one thing. I wouldn't mind
having a piece of this sundried tomato
business. Five years ago, if somebody
had said to me, "Here's a tomato that
looks like a prune." I'd have said, "Get
out of my office."
Dad, before I was born, did you freak
out at all? I'm not freaking out. I'm
just saying if someone had come to me
with the idea of this Dad, Dad, Dad, I'm
talking about the whole uh baby thing.
Did you uh ever get this sort of
panicky, oh my god, I'm going to be a
father kind of a thing? No.
Your mother really did the work. I was
busy with the business. I wasn't around
that much. Is that what this is about?
No. No, Dad. I was just wondering. Cuz
it's time to make up for that. We can do
stuff together. You always wanted to go
to that colonial Williamsburg. How about
we do that? Thanks, Dad. Really? I just,
you know, I just I
just I just needed to know. Um, when did
you start to feel like a father?
Oh, well, I I guess it must have been
the day after you were born. We were in
the hospital room. Your mother was
asleep and they brought you in and gave
you to me. You were this ugly little red
thing. And all of a sudden, you grabbed
my finger with your whole fist and you
squeezed it so
tight. And that's when I knew.
So, you don't want to go to
Williamsburg?
Well, we can go to Williamsburg.
Eat your fish.
Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent
doctor. off. Wait a minute. His name is
Dr. Bobby.
Well, that's his last name and his first
name. He's Bobby. Bobby.
It's Robert Bobby.
And um Excuse me. He helps me. Please
ask her how. What do you need help for?
With my alignment. I got one leg shorter
than the other. Oh my god. Argue with
that. What? It's true. My right leg is 2
in shorter. Come on. You're just
tilting.
Her legs are fine. I know that. So, what
do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
Sorry. Let her. What can I do? She
doesn't listen to me about about
renters's insurance either. Wait a
minute. You don't have renters's
insurance?
Nope. But what if somebody steals
something? How are you going to run
after him with one leg shorter than the
other?
Hey, would you uh would you like some
juice? I'd love some juice. Okay.
Wow, this is going so well. Did you see
us? Did you see? Yeah, honey. I'm
standing right there.
Why don't you just tell them about the
mall I haven't gotten checked yet?
Excellent.
[Music]
Hey, Dad. What are you doing here? Well,
it's your mother's bridge night, so I
thought I'd come into the city for a
little Mona cuddle.
Since when did you start smoking cigars?
I don't. I just I just like the smell of
them.
So, uh, what are you really doing here,
Dad? Well, I just wanted to make sure
that you're okay.
What makes you think that I might not be
okay? I saw Richard.
Oh. So, how you doing?
I'm fine. Just a little tired, but I'm
okay. How's Richard doing? You don't
want to know? No, I I really really do.
Well, he's doing terrible.
Really?
Worse than when he broke up with
Barbara.
You're not just saying that, are you?
No. The man is a mess.
Was he crying? No.
Well, do you think he was waiting till
after you left so we could cry? Maybe.
I think so. Honey, relationships are
hard. Like with your mom and me. You
know, after we graduated from college,
we broke up for a while. It seems her
father, your grandfather, wanted her to
travel around Europe like he did. Of
course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's
nickel because he was also strafing
German troop trains at the time.
However,
[Music]
He's really funny.
I wouldn't want to be there when when
the laughter stops.
Whoa. Whoa. Back up there, Sparky.
What did you mean by that?
Just seems as though that maybe you have
intimacy issues. You know that you use
your humor as a way of keeping people at
a distance.
Huh? I mean, hey, I just met you. I
don't know you from Adam.
Only child, right?
Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
Uh-huh. How did you know that? It's
textbook.
Hey, you guys. Hey, you all know my day.
Hey, how long you in the city? Just for
a couple of days. I got a job Midtown. I
figure I'm better off staying with the
kid than hauling my ass back and forth
on a ferry. I don't know this one. Oh,
this is my friend Roger. Hey, hey, good
to meet you, Roger. You, too, sir. What
happened to the uh puppet guy? Dad. Oh.
Oh, excuse me. So, Ross, how's the wife?
Oh, for
two, uh, Chandler, quick, say something
funny.
was that that little bit of oil that
should have lasted just one day burned
for eight whole days. That's right. And
that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today.
The end. Awesome. Yeah.
My favorite part was when Superman flew
all the Jews out of Egypt.
The armadillo was actually not so
thrilled about that part.
Okay, Ben, it's time to light the
Hanukkah
candles. Hey. Oh, wow. Looks like the
Easter Bunny's funeral in here.
Come on. Come on. We're lighting the
candles. Come on.
[Music]
I understand why Superman is here, but
why is there a porcupine at the Easter
Bunny's funeral? Miss Green, your
father's doctor's on the phone if you'd
like to speak to him. Oh, great. Um, are
you going to be okay? He's unconscious.
I think we'll be just fine. Okay.
[Music]
[Applause]
Um, did did the TV wake you. No. When
you put your feet up on my bed, you
tugged on my catheter.
Ouchie.
What are you doing here, Giller? Well, I
came with Rachel, who who should be back
any
second. So, what's new? Oh, I had a
little heart attack.
Great. Is Is it painful? What? The heart
attack is sitting here talking to you.
Let's see if we can get that Rachel back
in here. So, what's new with you, G?
Knocked up any more of my daughters
lately? Nope, just the one, right?
Hey. Hey. How was it? Well, I had a
great time. Um, Chanty, on the other
hand, I will tell the story. It was
going great. I let him win. We were
bonding. He even said that I could call
him dad. And what did he ask you not to
call him? Daddy. All
right, look. Here's the story.
Well, we had just finished playing
raetball and we were going to take a
steam. I walk into the steam room and
it's really
steamy. So, I take off my glasses and
that's when it happened. Guys, over
here. Have a seat, son.
Hey.
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
Oh my god, Chandler. I can't believe it.
I know. You gave my father a lap dance.
Why do they put so much steam in there?
Because otherwise they'd have to call it
the room room.
Why? Okay. Why? Why did that have to
happen?
Come on. It's not that big a deal. Not
that big a deal.
There there was touching of things.
All right. I know you wanted to bond
with my dad, but did you really have to
bond to that part?
[Laughter]
Listen, I'm sure that dad doesn't care.
He probably thought this was really
funny. He'll be telling the story for
years. I don't want him to tell this
story for years.
Oh, but he will.
He still tells a story about how Monica
tried to escape from fat camp.
I wasn't escaping. Then how'd you get
caught in the barbed wire?
I was trying to help out a squirrel. You
were trying to eat it.
If that is your father calling to tell
this story, then the marriage is off.
Come on. Hello.
I'm sorry. You have the wrong number.
Okay. I'll call you later, Dad. I love
you.
[Music]
All right. I'm off to see your dad.
Whoa. Whoa. Aren't you a little
overdressed?
Yeah. And and you better make sure he
tips you this time.
Look, I figured I would try to convince
him not to tell the story anymore. And I
figured the best way to do that was face
to face. And by face, I don't mean his
lap. And by face, I don't mean my ass.
[Music]
So you understand, I'd feel a lot more
comfortable if you didn't tell people
what happened. You know, I'm a little
I'm a little embarrassed about it. I
understand completely. There's nothing
more horrifying than embarrassing
yourself in front of your in-laws. As a
matter of fact, when I started dating
Judy, I was unemployed and her father
asked me what I did for a living and I
told them I was a lawyer. What'd you do
when they found out? They never did. So,
if you ever see me giving them legal
advice, just not alone.
Shall we?
So, I guess we wear swimsuits in here.
[Music]
you. Oh, thanks for coming out of me.
I know.
[Music]
Oh, she's looking at me.
I know you.
Do we have a name yet? No, not yet.
That's fine. For now, we'll just call
her baby girl Green. Oh no, baby girl
kill her green.
I had a dream last night where I was
playing football with my kid. Oh, it's
nice. Nice. No, no, with
him. I'm on this field and they they
hike me the baby.
And I I know I've got to do something
cuz the Tampa Bay defense is coming
right at me. Tampa Bay's got a terrible
team,
right?
But it is just me and the baby, so I'm
thinking they can take
us. And so I uh I just hate it
downfield. What? Are you afraid that's a
baby? He should take the sack.
Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield and I
realize that I'm the one who's supposed
to catch him, right? Only I know there
is no way I'm going to get there in
time, right? So, I am running and I'm
running. And that that is when I woke
up. See, I I am so not ready to be a
father. Hey, you're going to be fine.
You're one of the most caring, most
responsible men in North America.
You're going to make a great dad. Yeah,
Ross. You and the baby just need better
blocking. Oh my god, baby. You're on
fire. I know. One more score to go. You
can do it. Don't touch it. Don't touch
her. All right, go left. Go ahead. Go
right. Go right. I can't. I
can't. No. You son of a
[Music]
Phoebe.
Oh, hi Ben. No, don't look at the
machine.
You got to go. Miss you, too. I love
you, but it's getting real late now.
Hey, ma. Listen, I made the appointment
with Dr. Baza.
Excuse me.
Did you know this isn't
[Laughter]
ma? Her name's
Ronnie. She's a pet mortician.
Sure.
So, how long you've been
Remember when you were a little kid? I
used to take you to the Navyyard and
show you the big ships. Since then? No,
it's only been 6 years. I just wanted to
put a nice memory in your head so you'd
know that I wasn't always such a
terrible guy.
Joe, you ever been in love?
I don't know. Then you haven't. You're
burning your tomatoes. Huh? You'll want
to talk.
Joe, your dad's in love big time. And
the worst part of it is it's with two
different women. Oh, man. Please tell me
one of them is ma. Of course. Of course.
One of them is ma. What's the matter
with you?
Hey, Joe. Dad. Ronnie's here. Huh? Hi.
Hey. Hey. Hello, babe. What? What? Hey,
what are you doing here? Oh, uh, well,
you left your good hair at my apartment.
I figured you'd need it tomorrow for
your meeting.
Thank you.
Um, so who's up for a big game of
Kplunk?
Look, I uh I I shouldn't have come. I I
better get going. I don't want to miss
the last train. No, no, h I I don't want
you taking that thing to swing this.
Where am I going to stay? Here. Wo ho.
We'll go to a hotel.
Go to a hotel.
No, you won't. No, we won't. If you go
to a hotel, you'll be doing stuff. I
want you right here where I can keep an
eye on you. You're going to keep an eye
on us. That's right, mister. And I don't
care how old you are. As long as you're
under my roof, you're going to live by
my rules.
And that means no sleeping with your
girlfriend.
Wow, he's stripped.
Now, Dad, you'll be in my room. Ronnie,
uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.
Thanks. You're uh you're you're a good
kid. Come on. I I'll show you to my
room.
That sounds so weird when it's not
followed by no thanks. It's late.
[Applause]
Okay, now this is just for tonight.
Starting tomorrow, you got to make a
change. 6 years is long enough. What
kind of change? Well, either you break
it off with Ronnie. I can't do that.
Then you got to come clean with Ma. This
is not right. Yeah, but this I don't
want to hear it. Now go to my room. Just
want you to know that what you witnessed
in there, that wasn't for fun.
It wasn't fun. Why? Why? Why would you?
Look, I just don't want you to think
that we're animals who do it whenever we
want. Oh, I don't think that. Before
today, I never thought of you two having
sex at all. It was a simpler time.
The truth is, Dad, we're we're trying.
What? Yeah, we're trying to get
pregnant. Oh my god, this is so
exciting. We'll get back in there. I'll
guard the door.
It's okay. Did we We We can wait until
later. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think
so. Aren't you ovulating, daddy?
Well, you got to get at it, princess.
When your mother and I were trying to
conceive you, whenever she was
ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I
got my bad hip.
It's funny. This conversation is how I
got the bullet hole in my head. So, come
on. Explain yourself, Geller. First, you
got my Rachel pregnant. You got Rachel
pregnant? Who did? You did? Yes.
Yes. Yes, I did. But but it was it was
just a one night thing. It meant
nothing. Oh, really? That's what my
daughter means to you? Nothing? No. No,
sir. Um she means a lot to me. I mean, I
I care. I I love Rachel. What? Oh, but
not in that way. I mean I mean I'm not
in love with her. I love her like like a
friend. Oh, really? That's how you treat
a friend? You get her in trouble and
then you refuse to marry her. Hey, I
offered to marry her, but I didn't want
to.
Well, why not? So you could spend your
time with this I'm sorry.
Dr. Green. Mona. Mona. Dr. Green.
[Applause]
How could you have kept all of this from
me? I I was going to tell you, but But
what? You figure you get what you
wanted, then you dump her like you did
Rachel. Hey, I did not dump Rachel, nor
are we still together.
Oh.
Um, can I
just Why don't we just let the machine
get that?
Hey, Ross, it's Joey. There's a hooker
over here, and we thought maybe you know
something about it.
No, no, no, no, no. I I I need to lie
down.
Hey, you feeling better? Yeah, I think
that fifth shower actually got the
interview off me.
So, do you have any other possibilities?
Oh, yeah. Well, there is the possibility
that I won't make rent. Fine. If you
want, I can lend you some money. No, no,
no. Cuz if I couldn't pay you back right
away, then I'd feel guilty and tense
every time I saw you. Oh, okay. Well,
then why don't you uh why don't you
borrow it from mom and dad? You feel
guilty and tense around them already,
you might as well make some money off of
them.
[Applause]
[Music]
Hi. Hi. Hi, darling. So, what's this?
Some of your old stuff. Well, sweetie,
we have a surprise for you. We're
turning your room into a jam.
Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little
question. Uh, why not Ross' room? Gosh,
we talked about that, but your brother
has so many science trophies and plaques
and merit badges. Well, we didn't want
to disturb them. Oh, God forbid.
You know, you know that Stephie Graph
has quite a tush.
I'm just saying it's right there.
Hey, guys. Hi, darling. Where's my
grandson? You didn't bring him? No, he's
at uh Carol's and Susan's today. A woman
in my office is a lesbian.
I'm just saying.
Oh, Jack, look. There's that house bank
commercial that cracks you up.
Where have you been? Emotional hell. So,
did they lend you the money yet? No, but
that's probably because I haven't asked
them yet. Come on, Monica. Do it. Hey,
you guys. Um, Monica has some news.
Um, yeah. So, uh, listen, I'm sorry I
didn't tell you this before, but, um, I
I'm no longer at my job. I I had to
leave it. Why? Because they made me.
You were
fired. What are you going to do? Judy.
Judy, relax. This is our little
harmonica we're talking about. We taught
her. Well, 10% of your paycheck. Where
does it go? In the bank. The bank.
There you go. So, she dips into her
savings. That's what it's there for.
She's going to be fine. And if you need
a little extra, you know where to find
it. Anything larger back there.
Ben, I want you to know that there may
be some times when I'm I may not be
around um like
this. But I'll still always come
back like
this. And sometimes I may be away
longer like
[Music]
this, but I'll still always come
back. Like
[Music]
this. And sometimes I'll want you to
steal third and I'll go like this.
[Music]
He is so amazing. I know. Look at him.
Ben.
Ben. Hey,
Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his
name.
Oh, look. Look. He's closing his
eyes. Oh, look. He's opening his eyes.
He doesn't do much, does he?
Nope. This is pretty much it.
[Music]
You guys want to get some coffee? Yeah.
Yeah,
man. I'll see you guys later.
[Music]
because you're not in love with the guy.
Oh, you told your dad the truth about an
hour ago.
Want to go see a movie? Yes.
Bye
the hell love to do it anyway. There are
more important things in a marriage than
loveseences.
Hey, I do too think about the
consequences of my
decisions. Well, what gives you the
right
to go to
hell? Stupid guy on my phone.
[Music]
[Music]
Oh, that's
nice.
Oh, Ros.
[Applause]
Ross, I'm here.
You are
um um we were
just Wow. What? Um
great. Now I'm having a baby.
What?
No, I'm I'm having I'm having a baby.
I'm I'm having it with the phone. The
phone. The phone. The phone.
Ros, I'm hurt.
Monica, let's go. Come on now, people.
Women in labor. Hey, Ross, look what I
got going here. Yeah, save it for the
cab. Okay.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
We're going to a hospital. What? So I
can't look nice? There might be doctors
there. Joey, get out of the fridge. All
right. All right.
What is that? For the ride. Oh, yeah.
Like in a cab. Save it. Okay. Hating
this. Monica. Come on now. Let's go.
Baby coming. I can't believe it. I'm
going to be an ant. I'm going to have
like a nephew. That's nice. Get out.
Let's go. Come
on. Right. Right. I'm going. I'm
going.
Here we go.
[Applause]
What do we do? What do you mean? What do
we do?
Twins. Twins.
Taylor, you're panicking. Uh-huh. Join
me, won't you?
Okay. What do you say we keep one and
then just like have an option on the
other one?
We can't split them up. Why not? We
could give each of them half a medallion
and then years later they'll find each
other and be
reunited. I mean, that's a great day for
everybody.
Okay. What if the person who adopts the
other one is horrible? What if they're
not? What if it's adopted by a king?
Yeah, because I hear the king is looking
to adopt.
Michael, we are not ready to have two
babies. That doesn't matter. We have
waited so long for this. I don't care if
it's two babies. I don't care if it's
three babies. I don't care if the entire
cast of eight is enough comes out of
there.
[Music]
Do you think they recognize each other
from in there? Maybe. Unless they're
like two people who've lived in
apartments next to each other for years
and then one day they're pushed through
a vagina and they meet.
[Music]
Oh, look at these little bunnies. I
know.
You ready to trade?
Okay. Okay.
All right. Let's see.
We could trade later. Yeah, I'm good.
Probably never be able to make it up to
you, but here's a start.
What's this? It's the key to my Porsche.
Well, the key to your Porsche.
What? What?
I've been thinking of getting rid of it
and I was driving it the other day and I
saw my reflection in a store window.
Your mother's right. I do look like an
ass.
You're giving me your Porsche? You're
kidding me, right? Well, wait, wait,
wait a minute. I mean, a couple of
stupid boxes get wet and she gets a
Porsche.
Why don't we take it for a spin? What?
What about me? I'm a medical marvel.
[Music]
Now, you you've been quiet all morning.
Is everything okay? Mhm.
You sure you're all right? Yep.
Okay. Um, well, I'm going to go uh grab
her some breakfast. FYI. There it is.
In the future, when a girl asks for some
ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it.
Wait, wait. You're uh you're mad at me
about last night. I was just trying to
do the right thing. Really? Well, it
seems to me if you had done the right
thing, I would not have woken up today
feeling stupid and embarrassed. I would
have woken up feeling comforted and
satisfied.
Well, oh, stop that.
I can't believe this. What? I I was just
being a good guy. I treated you with
with respect and understanding. Oh, that
is so hot.
Hey, I was looking out for you. Oh,
really? Well, Ross, you know what? I am
a big girl. I don't need someone telling
me what is best for me. I got to say,
I've not had sex a lot of times before.
This is the worst ever.
Oh, really? Really? Well, it wasn't very
good for me either. Oh, okay. You know,
hey, hey, you know what? You know what?
To avoid this little thing in the
future, let's just say you and me never
having sex again. What? That's right.
Sex is off the table. I am never having
sex with you again.
Dr. Green, are you feeling better?
Let's go. Oh, yeah. About telling mom
and dad. I was thinking about maybe
writing a letter. All right. You know
what? That's it. You've had your chance.
What?
Mom, Dad, Ross smoked pot in college.
What?
You are such a tattletail.
Mom, Dad,
you remember that that time you walked
in my room and smelled marijuana? Yes.
Yes.
Well, I told you it was Chandler who was
smoking the pot,
but it was me. I'm sorry. It was you.
And Dad, you know that mailman that you
got fired didn't steal your Playboys?
Ross did.
[Laughter]
Yeah. Well, Hurricane Gloria didn't
break the porch swing. Monica did.
Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a
year.
Monica and Chandler are living together.
boss married Rachel in Vegas and got
divorced again.
That's a lot of information to get in 30
seconds.
All right, Monica. Why you felt you had
to hide the fact that you're in an
important relationship is beyond me. And
we kind of figured about the porch
swing.
RS drugs divorced again.
What happened, son? I I uh I got tricked
into all those things.
Chandler, you've been Ross's best friend
all these years, stuck by him during the
drug
problems, and now you've taken on Monica
as well. Well, I don't know what to say.
You're a wonderful human being.
Thank you. No, thank you.
Monica and Ross, I don't know what I'm
going to do about the two of you.
I'll talk to them.
[Music]
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