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Hi again.

Hey.

Hey. Thank you so much. Oh, don't thank

me. Thank the jerk that never showed up.

Okay, I got to get to work.

You want some help with that? Oh, no

thanks. I got it. Oh, no I don't.

Whoa. Okay.

Yeah.

just stood up too fast. Got a little

head rush.

The heat

and and the humidity.

Yeah, that's a uh that's a tough

combination.

[Laughter]

Do you want to come in for some

lemonade? Like you wouldn't believe.

Wow, this is a great place.

Thank

you. Just make yourself comfortable.

Gotcha. So, this place is really my

[Applause]

grandmother's. I got it from her when

she moved to Florida. Otherwise, I could

never afford a place like this.

[Applause]

So, if the landlord ever asks, I'm an

87y old woman who's afraid of her VCR.

You thirsty? Oh, you bet I am.

Okay, here's your penis.

[Applause]

[Music]

Oh my god. What the hell are you doing?

You said you want to come in for some

lemonade.

So,

Ah, were you just going to give me

lemonade? Yeah.

Cover yourself up. Oh, right. Sorry. I

don't believe this. I mean, someone

asked you in for lemonade and to you

that means they want to have sex. Um,

usually. Yeah. Well, not just lemonade,

iced tea, sometimes juice.

Sorry. I just thought you liked me. Such

a jerk.

It's

okay. I suppose it could happen to

anyone. Not anyone I know,

but by the way, I can still see

it. Good

evening. I am Mr.

Tribani and I will be teaching acting

for soap operas. Now,

um, on my first day as Dr. Drake Remor

on Days of Our Lives,

uh, I learned that one of the most

important things in soap opera acting is

reacting. This does not mean acting

again. It means you don't have a line,

but someone else just did. And it goes

something like this.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Oh, by the

way, before I forget, to work in soap

operas, some of you are going to have to

become much more

attractive. All right, moving right

along. Some tricks of the trade. Now,

I've never been able to cry as an actor.

So, if I'm in a scene where I have to

cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a

pair of tweezers,

and just start

pulling. Okay? Or uh or let's say I want

to convey that I've uh just done

something evil. Well, that would be your

basic I've got a fish hook in my eyebrow

and I like

it. Okay. Let's say I've just gotten bad

news. Well, all I do there is try and

divide 232 by 13.

[Applause]

Hey, I got you something. Open it. Open

it.

Okay.

It's a chicken.

It's cute, huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You

guys, do you know anything about chicks?

Fowl?

No women. No.

Okay. Well, they are a huge

responsibility, especially at this age.

They require constant care. They They

need just the right food and lots and

lots of love. Oh, well, no problem.

[Laughter]

Easy,

Lenny. You go to the refrigerator, get a

nice glass of milk. But these darn

cartons are so flinging flanging hard to

open. Well, you said it, Mike. I don't.

There's got to be a better way. And

there is. Kevin,

can we please turn this off? No way.

Kevin, what if I told you that there's a

revolutionary new product that

guarantees you'll never have to open up

milk cartons again? Meet the Milk Master

2000.

Are you intrigued? You're flinging.

Flinging right. I am.

This is his first time. He's never used

this product before. You're going to see

how easy this is to do. Go

ahead. This works in any milk carton.

Wow, it is easy. Now I can have milk

every day.

Oh, sorry. Did I get you?

No, you didn't get me. It's an electric

drill. You get me, you kill me.

Calm down. Do you want this unit or not?

I do not want this unit. Oh, you should

have told me that before. Not a mind

readader.

Hey, we're out of here. Okay, I'm going

to Monica's.

Fine.

You got to pick a pocket or two,

boys. You've got to pick a pocket

[Music]

for Thanks. Listen, Joey, we definitely

want to see you for the call back on

Saturday. Excellent.

I'll be there. Okay. And listen, don't

forget to bring your jazz shoes for the

dance audition.

Uhhuh. My uh my agent said that it

wasn't a dancing part. Oh, Joey, all the

roles got to dance a little, but believe

me, with your dance background, it'll be

a piece of cake. Three years of modern

dance with Twilight Tharp.

Five years with the American Ballet

Theater.

Hey, everybody lies on their resume.

Okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom kids

either.

Well, can you like dance at all? Yeah, I

can dance, you know.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

What? What is that? Sure it looks stupid

now. There's no music playing.

Uh, Joey. Joey Triani.

Listen, Joey. I got a problem. I just

got a call from my dance captain. He's

having a relationship crisis and can't

get out of Long Island. So, does that

mean the audition's off?

Listen, Joey. Seeing as you've got the

most

experience, I want you to take these

dances and teach them the combination.

Oh, Joey, come on. It's easy. You know,

it's

hand

head

up. Big turn here.

Rhonda, slide back, step, step, and jazz

hands.

It's a Steppity step and jazz

hands. Have

fun.

Bye. All right, let's do it.

[Applause]

No, no,

no. What was that? I know. It's the best

I could get out of him.

Well, people

people, let's try it again. And this

time, let's everybody watch Joey.

Show them how it's done.

Count it off.

[Music]

Don't rush into anything. Yeah. Come on.

Think about it. You're 18. Okay. She's

44. When you're 36, she's going to be

88.

But you don't think I know

that. Look, the point

is there's a lot of women out there you

haven't even had sex with yet. Yeah,

he's he's right. He's right. This is

your time, you know. Yeah. You're young.

You're you're weird. Chicks dig that.

Okay. But isn't sex better when it's

with one person that you really really

care about? Yeah. In a poem,

maybe. No, the man's right. That's what

I had with Rachel. You don't have it

anymore? No, I

uh I slept with someone else. Okay. So,

wait. All right. So, how did that make

things better?

It didn't.

Okay. So, what you used to have with

Rachel is what I got with Alice. Now,

what what what is that like? It's so

cool, man. It's so It's just cuz being

with her is so much better than like not

being with her.

Why can't I find that? Don't ask me. I

had it. I blew it. I want it. You can

have it. I don't know. Maybe I can. I

mean, maybe there's something wrong with

me. No, it's out there, man. I've seen

it. I got it.

Then you hold on to it. All right. All

right. Congratulations. You lucky.

You're Frank's best man.

I couldn't help it. Their love is so

pure.

Well, and what about you? Huh? I'm the

ring bearer.

Monica, listen. I uh saw down at the

hardware store. They got those designer

tiles on sale if you ever want to redo

your bathroom floor. What's wrong with

my bathroom floor? Nothing. It's just

old and dingy. That's all.

I highly doubt that. Oh, yeah. If you uh

move your hamper, you can see the color

the tile used to be. Yeah.

I can't live like this. What are we

going to do? What are we going to do?

Relax. Relax. Here, hold this. This old

stuff comes right up. I'll show you.

Little more than I wanted to see.

Look at that. Every inch of this is

glued down. It take forever to pry this

up. You should uh you should just leave

it.

I can't leave it. You gouched a hole in

my dingy floor.

There you go. A Yeah, that's nice. You

know, we can put it back there after the

surgeons remove it from your colon.

Why do you have a copy of The Shining in

your freezer? Oh, I was reading it last

night and I got scared.

But uh you're safe from it if it's in

the freezer. Well,

safer, you know. I mean, I never start

reading The Shining without making sure

we got plenty of room in the freezer,

you know.

How often do you read it? Haven't you

ever read the same book over and over

again? Well, um I guess I read Little

Women more than once, but I mean, that's

a classic. What's so great about The

Shining? The question should be, Ra,

what is not so great about The Shining?

Okay. And the answer would be

nothing. All right. This is like the

scariest book ever. I bet it's way

better than that classic of yours.

Okay. Uh well, we'll just see about

that. Okay. I will read The Shining and

you will read Little Women. All right.

You got it. All right. Okay. Okay. And

now Ra these uh these Little Women.

Yeah.

How little are they? I mean, are they

like scary little

Beth's really, really sick. A

Joe's there, but I don't think there's

anything she could do.

Joey. Yeah. You want to put the book in

the freezer?

Okay. Okay.

Hey, remember when she brought up that

thing about, you know, the three of us?

Yes. Vividly.

She was kidding about that, right? Yeah,

I think so.

Yeah, I I think so.

God, it'd be weird if that situation

presented itself tonight, huh?

Yeah. I mean,

uh, what what will we do,

dude? I don't know.

She was kidding. Yeah, she was.

But, you know what? Just in case, maybe

we should come up with a set of ground

rules. Yeah, for sure. Okay. probably

want the first one to be never open your

eyes, you know, because you don't want

to be doing something and then look up,

right, and see something that you don't

want to be

seeing. Good call. Nice. Hold it. Hold

it. What if my eyes are closed

and and my hand is out

there? Ah, okay. Hey, eyes open at all

times. Oh, hey. How do we decide where

we, you know, each would, you

know, be, right? Right. Well, I, you

know, we could flip for it. Yeah, I

guess. But like, what's heads and what's

tails?

Well, if you don't know that, then I

don't want to do this with you.

I took the quiz and it turns out I do

put career before men.

Get up. What? Near my seat. How is this

your seat?

Cuz I was sitting there. But then you

left.

Well, it's not like I went to

Spain. I went to the bathroom. You knew

I was coming back. What's the big deal?

Sit somewhere else. The big deal is I

was sitting there last. So that's my

seat. Well, actually, the last place you

were sitting was in there. So,

you guys, you know what? You know what?

It doesn't matter because you both have

to go get dressed before the big vein in

my head pops. So, all right, Ross. I

just have to do one thing really

quickly. It's not a big deal. Get up.

All right, fine. You know what? We'll

both sit in the chair. Fine with me.

I'm so comfortable.

Me, too. In fact, I think I might be a

little too comfortable. All right.

Okay. Look, we have 19 minutes. Okay.

Chandler, I want you to go and change,

okay? And then when you come back, Joey

will go change and he'll have vacated

the chair. Okay? Okay. All right. Fine.

I'm going. Before I get back, it's chair

city and I'm the guy who's sitting in a

chair. All right. You will notice that I

am fully dressed. I in turn have noticed

that you are not. So in the words of aa

mil, get out of my chair, dealhole.

Okay.

[Applause]

What are you doing? Well, you said I had

to give you the chair. You didn't see

anything about the cushions.

The cushions are the essence of the

chair. That's right. I'm taking the

essence. He'll be

back. There's nobody in the room.

Where's my underwear? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on. Come on. What? You took his

underwear? He took my essence. Okay,

hold on,

Joey. Why Why can't you just wear the

underwear you're wearing now? Cuz I'm

not wearing any underwear now.

Okay. Um, then why do you have to wear

underwear tonight? It's a rented tux.

Okay. Not going to go commando in

another man's fatigues.

Well, then it looks like somebody's

going to have to give somebody back his

cushions.

Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm going to

do the exact opposite to you.

What are you What are you going to show

me? My clothes. Hey,

opposite is opposite.

He's got nothing.

Okay, buddy boy. Here it

is. You hide my clothes. I'm wearing

everything you

own. Oh my god.

That is so not the opposite of taking

somebody's

underwear. Look at me. I'm Chandler.

Could I be wearing any more

clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going

commando.

Yeah. I'll tell you, it's hot with all

this stuff on. I uh I better not do any

I don't know, lunges.

Okay. Okay. Enough. But not for the

lunching. No, I'm sick of this. Okay,

I've had up to here with you two.

Neither of you can come to the party.

Jeez, what a baby.

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing? Well, I I

thought a lot about what you said and um

I realized maybe I was a little

judgmental.

Yeah. Oh, but Oh, now baby, remember,

hey, they're just fulfilling their

Christmas destiny. Yes.

Okay.

Yikes. That one doesn't look very

fulfilled.

Oh, that's uh that's one of the old

ones. He's just taking it to the back.

You keep the old ones in the back. That

is so aegist.

But we have to make room for the fresh

ones. So, what happens to the old guys?

Well, they go into the chipper.

Well, I have a feeling that's not as

happy as it sounds.

[Music]

[Applause]

Hey, hey, hey.

This is the last time with a chick chick

chick chick chick chick chick chick

chick chick chick here and a chick chick

chick chick chick chick chick chick

chick there here a chick there a chick

everywhere a chick chick chick chick

chick chick chick chick chick chick

chick chicken chicken chicken chicken

chicken

Hey how's she

doing she well yeah don't don't you

think it's a she I don't know

I can't tell. Whatever it was went back

in too quickly.

Anyway, I got to go change. I'm uh

meeting some of the cast for drinks.

Excuse me. What?

I stayed home from work today while you

at rehearsal so somebody could be here

with our chick. Hey, who was up from

2:00 this morning until 5:00 this

morning trying to get her back to

sleep? You don't think I get up when you

get up?

Oh, here it comes. Yes, here it comes.

I'm stuck here all day and then you come

in and spend two seconds with

us and then expect to go off

gallivanting with your

friends. Well, I don't think so, mister.

Hey, I need to relax, okay? I was

working all day. And you don't think

taking care of our chick is

work? That's not what I said. Okay.

Okay. I just meant I know what you

meant.

You notice that ever since we got this

chick, we've been fighting a lot more

than we used to.

I don't know. Maybe we weren't ready to

have a chick.

I'll take her back

tomorrow. You think we'll get our three

bucks back? Hey, Rich. How you doing

with the shining? Oh, Danny just went

into room 217. Oo, the next part's the

best. When that dead lady in the

bathtub. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on. You're going to ruin it. All

right, I'll talk in code. Remember when

the kid sees those two blanks in the

hallway?

That's very cool. Oh, all blank and no

blank makes blank a blank blank.

Oh, no, no, no. the end when Jack almost

kills them all with that blank, but then

in the last second they get away. Oh,

Joey. I can't believe he just did that.

I can't believe she cracked your code.

[Applause]

All right. Okay. Lori proposes to Joe

and she says no, even though she's still

in love with him. And then he ends up

marrying Amy.

Hey, mine was by

accident. All right, the boiler explodes

and destroys the hotel and kills the

dad.

Beth

dies.

Beth Beth

dies. Is that true? If I keep reading,

is Beth going to die?

No. Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die.

Does she, Rachel? What? Joey's asking if

you've just ruined the first book he's

ever loved that didn't starred Jack

Nicholson.

See, Joe, that's why your parents told

you not to jump on the bed.

Hey. Hey. Oh, is it broken? No. I'm

going to wear this thing for a couple of

weeks. Did you tell the doctor you did

it jumping up and down on your bed? No.

Had a whole story worked up, but then uh

Chandler sold me out. Well, I'm sorry,

Joe. I didn't think the doctor was going

to buy that. It just fell out of the

socket.

Look at me. I'm making jam. Been at it

since 4:00 this morning. Where'd you get

fruit at 4 in the morning? went down to

the docks. Hey, bet you didn't know you

can get it wholesale. I didn't know

there were docks.

Hey. Hey. Oh, is it broken? No. I'm

going to wear this thing for a couple of

weeks. Did you tell the doctor you did

it jumping up and down on your bed? No.

Had a whole story worked out, but then

uh Chandler sold me out. Well, I'm

sorry, Joe. I didn't think the doctor

was going to buy that. It just fell out

of the socket.

What is this? Fruit.

Monica's making jam. Whoa, jam. I love

jam. Hey, how come we never have jam at

our place? Because the kids need new

shoes.

One end of business, people. I'm sick

and tired of being depressed about

Richard. I needed a plan. Plan to get

over my man. What's the opposite of man?

Jam. Oh, Joey. No, it's way too hot.

This will just be my

batch. Remember when you were a kid and

your mom would drop you off at the

movies with a jar of jam and a little

spoon?

You're so pretty.

[Music]

[Applause]

M

gone for more jars. Back later, Monica

Geller.

[Applause]

I called the sperm bank today. They

haven't sold a single unit of

Tribani. Nobody wants my

product. I mean, I I I don't get it, you

know.

I mean,

maybe if they met me in person,

you got a little thing in your Oh, yeah.

Get it?

Yeah.

He's got to really give her a reason,

you know? Maybe he could slip her the

tongue.

Or maybe maybe he could grab her and and

and lift her up. Yeah. Yeah. And then

Adrien she maybe she could wrap her legs

around his waist. And then she could rip

off his shirt and kiss his chest and his

his stomach. And then he could use his

teeth his teeth to undo her dress and

and and bite her. And then right right

when the scene ends, he could take her

with this raw animal.

Something like that.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in

mind. Where's Chandler? Uh, he can't

make it. He said he had to go back to

his uh job and do uh Who

Joey? Joey Tribani.

Joey, I can see you. Okay. You're hiding

behind the coats.

Close one.

Hey,

is uh is Chandler around? No. Um he met

some girl at the coffee house.

Yeah. Ginger or something? No.

No. No. Uh, are you sure it wasn't

something that sounded like ginger? Like

uh ginger?

No, it was Ginger. I remember because

when he told me I said the movie star.

Oh man, that's the girl I was hiding

from. When she finds out he's my

roommate, she's going to tell him what I

did. Why? What did you do? Oh. Oh. Oh

no. No. I can't.

I can't tell you that. It's like the

most awful, horrible thing I've ever

done in my whole life. You know what?

Don't tell us. We'll just wait till

Trainer gets home because it'll be more

fun that way. All

right. Okay. It was like four years ago.

Okay. Ginger and I had gone out a few

times and then this one weekend, we went

up to her dad's cabin. Just me, her, and

her annoying little dog,

Pepper. Well, that night, I cooked this

really romantic dinner. You gave her

food poisoning.

I

wish after dinner, me, her, and Pepper

all fell asleep in front of the fire.

Well, I woke up in the middle of the

night and I saw that the fire was dying

out. So, I picked up a log and threw it

on. Or at least what I thought was a

log. Oh my god, you threw pepper on the

fire. I

wish. See, I guess another thing I

probably should have told you about

Ginger is that she kind of has a

uh artificial leg.

Oh my

god, Joey, what did you do after you

threw her leg on the fire?

I ran.

I'm going to get on this spaceship.

[Music]

And I'm going to go to Bloggon 7 in

search of alternative

fuels. But when I return 200 years from

now, you'll be long

gone. But I won't have aged at

all. So you tell your great great

granddaughter to look me up.

Because

Adrien baby,

I'm going to want to meet her.

[Music]

So long, Vic. Chloe, finish up with your

customer first. Come on, Co. Come on.

Come. Can I help you?

Uhoh. Uh, you know what? We're having

second thoughts about our copying needs

and uh we'll need a little more time to

think about it.

Chloe, switch with me. There's some guys

here got a crush on you.

Okay, that hurt us.

Hi guys. I haven't seen you since this

morning.

Well,

uh you know,

hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow

night?

Both of us. Maybe. Does that scare you?

Relax. Just Isaac's DJing at the Philly.

You should come. Oh, we'll be there.

Great. I'll uh see you then. All right.

Rock on.

Motel

Theater. Joey Tribani gives an uneven

performance about Mr. Tribani is not the

worst thing in this production. Yes,

Kate Miller's awkward and mannered

portrayal is

laughable. Aha, here it is. The

direction by Marshall Townend

is Thank you, boys and girls. You've

ruined my life. Please stuff your

talentless faces with my mother's crab

cakes. Excuse

me. Does anyone mind if I save this?

[Music]

Please choose the correct answer for each question below: