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You're on fire. I know. One more score
to go. You can do it. Don't touch it.
Don't touch her. All right. Go left. Go
left. Go right. Go right. I can't. I
can't. No. You son of a
[Music]
Phoebe.
Oh, hi Ben. No, don't look at the
machine.
She still has not noticed that the baby
sock is on the ground. It's a good
toast.
Will you please get her attention?
Oh, mommy.
Oh, for God's sake, Judy. Pick up the
sock. Pick up the sock. Pick up the
I'm sorry. Was that rude? You can wear
this. Thanks.
Okay. I'm setting the phone
down, but I'm still
here. Just don't go anywhere. I'm still
here. Don't Don't switch or anything cuz
I'm I'm right here. Just one
sec. One sec. One second. Wait one
second. Just baby. What? Monica, I'm
scared. That's That's a sleeve. Okay.
And we also have speaker phone. Please
stay on the line. Your call is important
to us. Anyway, you got to hang up cuz
we're going to be late. Thank you for
your patience. You're the next caller.
Yes. Yes, I'm the next caller. You're
going to have me hang up.
Hey,
can you take a duck and a chick to the
theater?
Of course not. Okay. I just wanted them
to hear it from somebody else.
Well, I never thought I'd say this, but
I'm going to go use ugly naked guys
bathroom.
Oh, look. There's there's Monica and
Chandler. Hey. Hey, you guys. Hey.
[Applause]
and Monica. Monica. Oh my
god. Monica. Oh my god. Oh my eyes. My
eyes. Okay. It's okay. It's okay. No,
they're doing it. I know. I know. I
know. You know. Yes. I know. And Joey
knows. But Ross doesn't know. So you
have to stop screaming.
What's going on?
What? What? Nothing. Oh god. No. We're
just so excited that you want to get
this apartment.
Actually, it looks really good.
It looks pretty good. Get in here.
Monica, if there is something that you
would like to share. You know, you had
no right to go out with him. That is the
most ridiculous. You sold me out. I did
not say you did. You absolutely sold me.
Did you just flick me?
Okay. Well, you wouldn't let me finish
and I was just Ow, that
hurt. Quit flicking. Ow. You flicking.
You flicked me first. Get it.
Ow. No. Let's not do this. Let's pause.
Happy.
[Music]
Okay, now I'm going to kick some ass.
All right, now I will let go if you both
stop. What do you You want me to stop
seeing him? Is that what you want?
Uhhuh. You want me to just call him up
and tell him that you're seeing him
instead? Is that what you want?
Okay. Oh, that's what you want?
Yes. Fine. Fine. There we
go. You know what? If we were in prison,
you guys would be like my
[Applause]
You know what? Let's just go. No. Hey,
we're not leaving till we get paid. I
don't know who she thinks she is. Enough
is
enough. Hey, wait a
[Music]
long Excuse me. Excuse me.
Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very very
hard time for you. Um, but um, we
provided a service and we deserve to be
paid because you ate that service and
um, we are not leaving here until we are
paid every penny because you know what,
lady? We're part-time caterers and we
have no place else to go.
All right, I'll get my bag. Good.
[Laughter]
I'm going to leave some cards here.
Please think of us for your next event.
How could you be beeping? I just
disconnected you. I took out your
battery. How can Don't interrupt me. Hi,
look who's back.
Hey, Feebs. Call security. Thes. Uh,
didn't you get fired? I don't think so.
Phoebe. Jack. Hey.
What are you doing here? All better.
Back to work. Except this clown from
research told me I was fired. He should
do his research, huh?
Well, you were fired.
Nuh-uh.
I told that guy who answered your phone.
Oh, okay. I didn't get that message, so
this doesn't count. Anyway, I'll be in
my office. Uh, Phoebe, I you you you
don't have an office. That's all right.
I'll I'll work right here. This is good.
Next to this plant.
Let's You're in my office.
Look, I have made a lot of cash for this
company, okay? I am talking big bucks,
pesos, yen, rubles. You make one little
mistake. You lost $13 million. Oh, so
now this is all about
money. You know it's bad enough that Ow!
Oh, you have got to be kidding. Are you
all right? I'm having another heart
attack. What? I'm having another heart
attack. Call 911.
Hey, dumbass.
Hey, thieves. How's it going? Well, they
fired me and I'm having a heart attack.
Well, welcome back.
Got me taffy.
Taffy? Really? I've never had any. ever.
Well, I think my mother was too busy
planning her suicide to provide
saltwater treats.
Thank you.
So, what are you just never going to
tell her? Oh, no, no, no. I will. I just
want to butter her up first. You know,
I'm going to take her to an amazing
Valentine's dinner, do all this romantic
stuff, and then just when she thinks I'm
the best boyfriend in the world, then
I'm going to tell her that my pregnant
ex-girlfriend is living with me. If I
haven't said it before, she's a lucky
lucky
lady. So, where are you going? What?
What the mother of crap is up with this
stuff?
Oh, God. Is it gum? Is it food? What?
What's the deal?
Oh, it's nice. May I try a pink one?
Hello, and merry Christmas. Oh, thank
you, sir. Here's some joy.
Hey, want to see how it's going? Well,
it's going okay. Oh, good. Here, let me
help you out. Oh, thanks. Yeah.
Wow. Is that a new suede jacket? It
looks really expensive.
Yeah, I
guess. Just get your nails done.
Yes, baby. But this is all I have. Okay.
Okay. Thanks. Happy holidays. Here's
your joy. Thank you.
Thank you. Happy holidays. And wait but
you can't take the money out. I'm making
change. I need change for the bus. But
can't you leave the dollar? This money's
for the poor. I'm poor. I got to take
the bus.
Okay. Season's greetings and everything,
but still bite me, blondie.
Oh, I'm going to give him something
besides joy. Just All right. Check out
this bad boy. 12 MGB of RAM, 500
megabyte hard drive, built-in
spreadsheet capabilities, and a modem
that transmits at over 28,000 bps. Wow.
What are you going to use it for? Games
and stuff.
There are no jobs. There are no jobs for
me. Oh, wait. Here's one. Uh, would you
be willing to cook naked?
There's an ad for a naked chef. No, but
if you're willing to cook naked, then
you might be willing to dance naked.
Hi. Hey. Hey. Oh, so um how'd you make
out last night?
[Applause]
That that is funny. That is painfully
funny. No, wait, wait. Yeah, that's just
painful.
Wait a minute. I thought last night was
was great. Yeah, it was. But I get home,
okay, and I see Julie's saline solution
on my night table, and I'm thinking to
myself, "Oh my god, what the hell am I
doing?" I mean, here I am. I'm with
Julie, this incredible great woman who I
care about and and who cares about me.
And I'm like, "What? Am I just going to
throw all that away?" You got all that
from saline solution?
Wait a minute. We're talking about
Rachel here. You and Rachel. Believe me,
I've been dreaming about me and Rachel
for like 10 years now, but now I'm with
Julie, you know? So, it's like me and
Julie. Me and Rachel. Me and Julie. Me
and Ra. Rachel. Rachel.
Hey, you. How are you? Good. How are
you? Good. Hi, honey. Hi, Julie. Hi,
Julie.
Julie. Um, how are you? Good. Good. So,
everybody's
here. Everybody's good.
So, were you going to play something,
Phoebe? Well, actually, I did.
All right.
Hey, Julie. I didn't know you wore
lenses. What?
Okay. Um, hi. Hello. Hi. Okay, so
um this is a song um about a love
triangle between three people that I
made up.
Um, it's called, um, two of them kissed
last
night. There was a girl, we'll call her
Betty, and a guy, let's call him
Neil. Now, I can't stress this point too
strongly. This story isn't real.
Now on Neil must decide who will be the
girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be
the one who he loves truly? Or will it
be the one who will call
Luly? He must decide. He must decide.
Even though I made him up, he must
decide.
[Applause]
Oh, excuse me, ma'am. Yes. You can't put
your cigarette out on a tree. Yeah, I
can. It worked real well.
No, but you shouldn't. So don't ever do
that again. I won't till I have my next
cigarette. Call it NYPD. Freeze punk.
What?
That's right. You are so
busted. Uh, book them.
Who are you talking to? Save it,
Red. Unless you want to spend a night in
the slammer, you apologize to the tree.
I am not going to apologize to a tree.
You apologize to the tree right now or I
am calling for backup.
Backup. Backup. I'm I'm sorry. Sorry.
Okay. Cancel. Backup. Cancel. Backup.
Hello. Hey, where the hell have you
been? Hey, I spent the night out. I met
this cute bridesmaid. She is so I I
don't want to hear about her. A thieves.
You know you're still my number one
girl.
No. No. We have an emergency. Okay.
Rachel's coming to London. Oh, great.
Is that great? No. She's coming to tell
Ross that she loves him. But he loves
Emily. I know that.
You have to stop her. She's going to
ruin the wedding. Okay.
Okay. So then I've done my part. Okay.
It's your responsibility now. The burden
is off me. Right. Right. So, tell me
about this
girl and linen strips to leg number one.
Did
that grasp one of the linen strips by
its easy grab tab and pull it off in one
quick painfree motion. Okay.
Was it not
painfree? No, it was painful. Oh my god.
They should call it pain now with a
little
wax. Huh? Well, the girls in the satin
90s on the commercial don't seem to
think it's that bad. That's because
their nerves are probably deadened from
being so stupid.
But hey, you know, if you don't believe
me, please be my
guest. Ow. Oh my god. Now, aren't you
glad we didn't start with the bikini
strips?
[Music]
All right. It's okay. It's okay.
We were just waxing our legs off.
For your information, this happens to be
a pain like no man will ever experience.
Yeah. Well, I don't think you can make
that statement unless you've been kicked
in an area that God only meant to be
treated nicely.
Yeah. I I think women just have a lower
threshold for pain than men. That's all.
I mean, come on. It's just a little wax.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's mature.
Okay, fine. So, now what? I just pull it
off. That's right.
You know what I'm thinking? Oh, okay.
How? It's been so long since you've had
sex, you're wondering if they've changed
it.
No. Although now that's what I'm
thinking.
All right. So, what were you thinking?
Well, I was thinking that you gave the
guy such great haircuts. I thought maybe
you'd like to do mine. Oh,
no. Why not? Because I'm just I'm
incredibly anal and an unbelievable
control freak. No, you're not. I know
I'm not, but you are. And I was trying
to spare your feelings.
You know, it's funny. The last time
Paula was here, my hair was so much
shorter and cuter. All right. Okay. But
but you have to promise that you will
not be all like controlly and bossy and
all, you know, Monica about
it. I promise. All right, let's see.
Now, some of you are going to get cut
and some of you
aren't, but I promise none of you will
feel a
[Music]
thing. All right, that's it. I quit.
What? I didn't say anything. Yeah, but
this isn't the face of a person who
trusts a person. Okay, this is the face
of a person who you know doesn't trust a
person.
I'm sorry. Sorry, Phoebe. It's just well
just a little shorter than what we had
discussed. Would you relax? I know what
I am doing. This is how he wears it.
How who wears it? Dei Moore.
Dei Moore is not a he. Well, he was a he
in Arthur and in
Den. That's Dudleymore. I said I wanted
it like Dememore more. Oh. Oh. Oh my
god. Oh. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm
sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Which one
is Dememore? She's the actress that was
in disclosure. Indecent proposal ghost.
Oh. Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
How is she?
It's too soon to tell.
She's resting, which is a good sign.
How's the hair? I'm not going to lie to
you, Ross. It doesn't look
good. I put a clip on one side, which
seems to have stopped the curling.
Well, can we see you? Your hair looks
too good. I think it would upset her.
Ross, why don't you come on in?
It only takes two heart attacks to
finally make you see. One of them won't
do it, but the second will set you
[Music]
free. Tell all your hate and anger. It's
time to say goodbye. And that is just
what I will do soon as those bastards I
worked for die.
LA.
Phoebe. Yes, your honor.
We're now in the ceremony. Monica is
about to say, "I do." when her drunk
uncle starts yelling. What do you do?
Go. When Monica was a little girl, I
remember that.
Oh, very good.
Yes. Excellent. Perfect score. Wait a
minute. She just made a scene in the
middle of the ceremony. Hey, you want a
little taste of fees? Hell Claude.
The cold blue. No.
Okay, maybe if we just break it down.
Okay, let's just let's try it one
syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat
after me.
Jm
pel. Great. Okay, faster. JM pel me poo
poo.
It's too hard. I can't teach you. What
are you doing? I I have to go before I
put your head through a wall. No, don't
go. I need you. My audition is tomorrow.
[Music]
Hey. Hey, what do you told you? Well, I
I thought a lot about what you said and
um I realized maybe I was a little
judgmental. Yeah. Oh, but Oh, now baby,
remember, hey, they're just fulfilling
their Christmas destiny. Sure. Yes.
Okay. Yikes. That one doesn't look very
fulfilled.
Oh, that's uh that's one of the old
ones. He's just taking it to the back.
You keep the old ones in the back.
That is so aegist.
But we have to make room for the fresh
ones. So what happens to the old guys?
Well, they go into the chipper.
Well, I have a feeling that's not as
happy as it sounds.
[Music]
[Applause]
Hey, hey, hey.
[Music]
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