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Why do you have a copy of The Shining in
your freezer? Oh, I was reading it last
night and I got scared. So,
but uh you're safe from it if it's in
the freezer. Well,
safer, you know. I mean, I never start
reading The Shining without making sure
we got plenty of room in the freezer,
you know.
How often do you read it? Haven't you
ever read the same book over and over
again?
Well, um I guess I read Little Women
more than once, but I mean that's a
classic. What's so great about The
Shining? The question should be, Ra,
what is not so great about The
Shining. Okay. And the answer would be
nothing. All right. This is like the
scariest book ever. I bet it's way
better than that classic of yours.
Okay. Uh well, we'll just see about
that. Okay. I will read The Shining and
you will read Little Women. All right.
You got it. All right. Okay. Okay. And
now Ra these uh these little women.
Yeah.
How little are they? I mean, are they
like scary little?
Beth is really really sick. Oh.
Joe's there, but I don't think there's
anything she could do.
Joey. Yeah. You want to put the book in
the freezer?
Okay. Okay. You have to read this book.
It's called Be Your Own Wind Keeper.
It's about how women need to become more
empowered. Yeah. And Oh, and but there's
there's wind.
And the wind can make us goddesses. But
do you know who takes our wind? Men.
They just take
it. The men just take our wind. Yeah.
All the time. Cuz they are the lightning
bearers.
Wow. Yeah.
Well, that sounds kind of cool. It's
kind of like The Hobbit. It is nothing
like The
Hobbit. It's like reading about every
relationship I've ever had, except for
Richard. Oh, yes. No. Richard would
never steal your wind. No. No. Cuz he's
yummy. Yes.
But all the other ones. Oh, yes. Oh, and
the part about how they're always like
drinking from our pool of inner power.
But god forbid we should take a sip.
Anybody want a crower? Okay. This is a
typical lightning bearer thing right
there. It's like, um, hello. Who wants
one of my phallic shaped man cakes? I
will be doing a dramatic reading of one
of Emma's books. Oh, okay. Which one?
Uh, well, it's uh one of her
favorites. Riding the storm out, coping
with postpartum
depression. Love you forever.
Love you Forever by Robert Munch,
published by Firefly Books, printed in
Mexico. A mother held her new baby and
very slowly rocked him back and forth,
back and forth, back and forth. And
while she held him, she sang, "I'll love
you forever.
I'll like you for always. As long as I'm
living, my baby you'll
be. And while he rocked her, he sang,
"I'll love you forever. I'll like you
for always. As long as I'm living, my
baby, you'll be."
Wow,
that was amazing. Thank you so much for
that gift.
I was not ready for this today.
You guys have any wrapping paper? Oh, is
it for my birthday present? Feebs. It
was your birthday like months ago. Yeah,
but remember you said you ordered
something special. It just hadn't come
yet.
Well, I have a call in about that.
Actually, this is for uh Kathy's
birthday. It's an early edition of her
favorite book. Oh, the Velvetine Rabbit.
Oh my god. When the boy's love makes the
rabbit real. Okay, but don't touch it
because your fingers have destructive
oils.
Well, then you better keep it away from
Ross' hair.
So, this is pretty rare. How did you get
that? Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just
went to a couple of bookstores, talked
to a couple of dealers, called a couple
of the author's grandchildren.
That's so sweet. Yeah. And what a great
way to say I secretly love you,
roommates's girlfriend.
It doesn't say that,
does it? How do you think it's going to
look when you get her something
incredibly meaningful and expensive and
her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange?
Why are we here? Okay. Okay. Take a
guess.
The hot chicks.
Okay. Okay. I was uh typing names into
the library computer earlier, you know,
you know, for fun. And I typed mine in
and uh guess what came up? my doctoral
dissertation. It's here. Yeah, right.
It's right down here in the biggest
library in the university. Ah, that's
actually pretty cool. Yeah. Oh. Um,
there's also a book here by a woman
named Wendy Vagina.
What is that?
Sounds like two people are really
enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
I'm so sorry.
You didn't bring me here to do that, did
you?
Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here. Do
you know the paleontology section, fifth
floor, stack 437? Well, yes. Just give
me 5 minutes. I just have to find
someone to cover my shift.
No, no,
no. Can I speak to someone in charge,
please?
How can I help you? Hi, I was wondering
is it possible to increase security in
the paleontology section? See, I I wrote
a book that's up there and instead of
reading it, people are are well, they're
rolling around in front of
it. We are aware of the problem you're
referring to.
But as far as increasing security, I'm
afraid the library is very understaffed.
I I can't help you.
Well, fine. Fine. If if I'm the only
person with any appreciation of the
sanctity of the written word, then I'll
go up there and defend it
myself. And don't you follow me.
[Music]
Yes. Yes. How can I help you? Yeah, we
we were just looking around. Oh. Oh,
you're your fellow scholars. What
exactly were you looking for? Hm.
Perhaps uh perhaps Dr. Chester Stocks
musings on the Smileadin Californicus.
Ah, get out of
here. I'm meeting someone. Or or are you
just here to brush up on Mariam's views
on evolution?
Um, actually, I find Mariam's views far
too progressionist.
I find Miriam's views far too
progressionist.
I'm sorry. Who are you? I'm a professor
here. Uh, Ross Geller. Ross Geller? Why
do I know that name? It's a
Wait, did you write this?
Yes. You're the person who checked out
my book.
You know, you look nothing like I would
have thought. You're you're so young.
Well, I uh I skipped fourth grade.
I am
very very sorry.
Sure. Have a lot of books about being a
lesbian.
Well, you know, you you have to take a
course.
Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
Hey, hey, Yurt the Turtle, a classic.
Actually, I I'm reading it to the baby.
The uh the baby that hasn't been born
yet. Uh wouldn't that mean you're crazy?
What? You don't think they can hear
sounds in there?
You're not serious. I mean, do you you
really you really talk to it? Yeah, all
the time. I want the baby to know my
voice.
Do you uh do you talk about me? Yeah.
Yeah. All the time. Really? But um we
just refer to you as Bobo the sperm guy.
Bronte sisters were really remarkable
women for their time. They lived in a
patriarchal society. Sorry I'm late, but
I left late.
Okay. So, what is the book about? I
thought you said you read it in high
school. Well, yeah, but then I
remembered I started it and then there
was this pep rally and I was I was on
top of the pyramid. But anyway, um
what's the book about? Okay. It's this
tragic love story between Kathy and
Heathcliffe and um it takes place on
these like really creepy moors in
England which I think represent the
wildness of Heath Cliff's character. I
totally get symbolism.
How would you characterize the theme of
this book? Uh let's see. Rachel Green.
Um well, I would have to say that it's a
it's a tragic love story. Well, that's
sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else?
Oh, oh, oh. Symbolism
and uh the the uh wildness of the moors,
which I think is is mirrored in the
wildness of uh Heath Cliff's character.
Excellent. What Rachel has shrewdly
observed here.
You completely stole my answer. What?
Honey, that was pretty obvious. How
would you know? You didn't even read it.
What do you think? Uh, you in the blue
shirt.
I think that um yours is a question with
many possible answers.
Would you care to venture one? Would you
care to venture one?
Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
Check this out. It says here there's a
place you can go to rent videos of all
the museums. It's almost as good as
being there. It's better. You can't go
to a museum in your underwear.
Well, you could, but probably just the
one time.
I bet we could get videos of all the
sites, get a VCR in our hotel room. We'd
never even have to go
outside. If we do that, we've got to
rent Die Hard.
Oh, I bet the British version is good.
Hey, what are you guys What are you guys
talking about? Nothing. Yeah.
Damn, this coffee is cold. Hey, Ra, do
you mind if I heat this up on your
loins?
You know, I cannot believe you told him,
Joey.
So, I guess you bought that book after
we broke up, huh? Uh-huh. Yeah, I did
because I wore out my first copy when I
was with you.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, when we were
going out, I read tons of porno
magazines.
What's up,
boss? How could you do that to an old
man?
Excuse me, ladies.
[Music]
I'm sorry. I thought maybe I'd make some
warm milk and it would help me sleep
with a walk.
Thought you were going to read my boring
book to put you to sleep. It got
interesting. Damn you, Oprah.
Here, let me make the milk. I'm up
anyway. Hey, you know what we could do?
You know, now that we're up, we could
just like talk to each other all night
long. You know, like we did when we were
first going out. It would be fun. Okay,
that does sound fun. Yeah. So, I mean,
how bummed were you when the second
sister died? Huh? The second sister
dies.
No, no. I I I was talking about the book
I was reading. The Second Sister Dies in
Archie and Jug Head Double Digest.
That's correct.
Hey, Ra. How you doing with the shining?
Oh, Danny just went into room 217. Ooh,
the next part's the best. When that dead
lady in the bathtub. Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Come on. You're going to
ruin it. All right, I'll talk in code.
Remember when the kid sees those two
blanks in the hallway?
That's very cool.
All blank and no blank makes blank a
blank blank.
Oh, no, no, no. The end. When Jack
almost kills them all with that blank,
but then in the last second they get
away.
Joey, I can't believe you just did that.
I can't believe she cracked your code.
[Applause]
All right. Okay. Lorie proposes to Joe
and she says no, even though she's still
in love with him. And then he ends up
marrying Amy.
Hey, mine was by accident.
All right. The boiler explodes and
destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Beth dies.
[Applause]
Beth Beth dies.
Is that true? If I keep reading, is Beth
going to die?
No. Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die.
Does she Rachel? What? Joey's asking if
you've just ruined the first book he's
ever loved that didn't star Jack
Nicholson.
What's wrong? I'm just so exhausted from
dragging around this huge engagement
ring.
Congratulations. So, did he get on one
knee? Did Did he have a speech prepared?
Oh, did he cry?
Yeah, big surprise. I like proposals.
Well, it was really sweet and like the
most romantic thing ever. Well, hey.
Well, here's to Phoebe who's found the
greatest guy in the world. To Phoebe and
I want to say Mike.
To Phoebe and Mike.
Thank you. Oh, and I have something for
you. It's Yeah, it's my little black
book. It's got the numbers of all the
guys I've dated.
Oh, that's nice. But you know what? I
think I'm okay. Why don't you give it to
one of your other single girlfriends? I
would, but you're the last
one. Give me the
book. Pablo Diaz, Brady
Smith, guy in van. Oh, my first love.
What is the red X next to Bob Grieor's
name mean? Dead.
Oh, it's okay. No, he was old. Yeah. And
he lived a full life. He was in the
first wave at Omaha Beach.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I should have given you
guys my black book when I got married.
Although it wasn't so much a book as a
napkin with Janice's phone number on it.
See Joe, that's why your parents told
you not to jump on the bed.
Hey. Hey. Oh, is it broken? No. I'm
going to wear this thing for a couple of
weeks. Did you tell the doctor you did
it jumping up and down on your bed? No.
Had a whole story worked up, but then uh
Chandler sold me out. Well, I'm sorry,
Joe. I didn't think the doctor was going
to buy that. It just fell out of the
socket.
Question number 28. Have you ever
allowed a lightning bearer to take your
wind?
I would have to say
no. And I would have to say paha.
What? Do you not remember the puppet
guy? Yeah, you like totally let him wash
his feet in the pool of your inner
power.
And his puppet, too. Yeah. Okay. Well,
at least I didn't let some guy into the
forest of my righteous truth on the
first date.
[Applause]
Who? Paul? Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Moving on. Moving on. Next question.
Okay. Number 29. Have you ever betrayed
another
goddess for a lightning bearer? Okay.
Number 30. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's go
back to 29.
Not uh not to my recollection.
All right. Danny Arshack, ninth grade.
Oh, come on, Rachel. You know the bottle
was totally pointing at me. Only cuz you
took up half the circle.
Listen to you two. It's so
sad. Looks like I'm going to be going to
the goddess meetings
alone. Well, not when they find out you
slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he
broke up with
Monica. One hour. You are such a leaf
blower.
I tell you, I love your mom's books. I
love her books. I cannot get on a plane
without one. I mean, this is so cool.
Yeah. Well, you wouldn't think it's cool
if you're 11 years old and all your
friends are passing around page 79 of
Mistress
Hey, hey, hey. She's on.
Ah, thanking.
Before we get to the book now, now what
is this about you? You being arrested in
London. What is that all about? Your mom
was arrested. Shh. Busy beaming with
pride.
This is kind of embarrassing, but
occasionally after I've been intimate
with the man. Now, why would she say
that's embarrassing?
I just get this craving for Kungpow
chicken. That's too much information.
[Applause]
All right. So, now you're doing this
whole book tour thing. How is that
going? Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New
York tomorrow, which I hate, but I get
to see my son, who I love.
And this is the way that I find out.
Most moms use the phone.
You know, don't take this wrong. I I
just don't see you as a mom somehow. I
don't mean that I don't mean that bad.
Oh, no. I am a fabulous mom. I brought
my son his first condoms.
And then he burst into flames. She's my
best friend. Well, Joey's my best
friend. I'm not your best friend.
You just said,
"Of course you're my best friend. Would
you please tell Rachel, though? All
right. All right. At least I'm prepared.
Okay.
Oh, yes. Hey. Hey. Hey. These aren't for
you. Are you upset? I am now.
Hey, room me. Okay. Bye.
Ra, there's something um important I
have to tell you. Are you pregnant?
No, but I'm throwing the shirt away.
I think there was a little
misunderstanding before um when I said
that uh that Chandler and I wanted to um
live
together, we meant alone
together. Oh my god. Oh, that's funny. I
can't believe I did that. Oh no,
sweetie. No. You know what? This is my
fault. I I wasn't clear. I I'm really
sorry. And listen, you take as much time
as you need to move out, okay? There's
absolutely no rush,
okay?
[Music]
What is that? I think it's the dying cat
parade.
Sounds like it's coming from across the
street.
Oh my god.
What? You know that thing that Ross was
going to do at our wedding? He was
hanging out with me yesterday and he
turned to me and he said, "You're half
Scottish, right?" No, there is no way to
not be Ross.
[Music]
Why is your family Scottish?
Why is your family Ross?
You cannot play at our wedding. I mean,
everyone will leave. I mean, come on.
That is just
noise. It's not even a song.
If you listen very carefully, I
think it's celebration by calling the
gang.
[Music]
Well, I feel like a snack. Do you want
some shortbread? It's Scottish like you
are.
Oh, no thanks. I don't like anything
from my Scottish heritage. What?
Well, just my entire family was run out
of Scotland
by Vikings.
Well, it sounds to me like your family
is ready to uh rediscover its Scottish
roots. You can't play bag pipes at the
wedding.
How did you know about that? We heard
you play all the way from your
apartment. Were you the ones who called
the cops?
That's not really important right now.
What is important is while we appreciate
the gesture, we just don't feel that bag
pipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Why not? Because we hate them. Just just
give me a chance to perform for you and
then decide whatever you want. And I'm
not going to tell you what song I'm
going to play either, but uh let's just
say when it's over, I'll bet there will
be a wee bit of
celebration. Remember, I'm still
[Music]
learning. One, two, three, four.
[Applause]
[Music]
You know the song. Sing along.
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
So,
no.
What you working on? Oh, Monica and
Chandler's recommendation. I want it to
sound smart, but I don't know any big
words or anything. So, well, why don't
you use your thesaurus? What did I just
say?
Watch
here. You uh you highlight the word you
want to change. Uh go under tools and
the thesaurus generates
gives gives a whole list of choices. You
can pick the word that sounds smartest.
Oh my god, that's great. I'm smart. No,
no, I'm brainy, bright, clever. I love
this
thing. Look out, ladies. Joey Trivia's
got the whole package.
Joey, let me ask you a question. This
has been driving me crazy. What does
this light switch do? Oh, nothing. Did
it drive you crazy to have a switch and
not know what it did? I know what it
did. Nothing.
They wouldn't have put it there if it
didn't do something. How can you not
care? Like this.
Done. Yep. Hey. Hey. What's up? This
switch thing has been driving me crazy.
So, I turned it off and checked every
outlet. Now, four of them don't work,
which means one of them has to be
controlled by the switch. So, I plugged
in things in all four outlets that that
make noise. That way, when I turn it on,
I just follow the noise and find out
which one it is.
I better stop listening before you did.
You know, you you also could have used
uh lamps and then followed the light.
Yeah. while I'm using
noise. Okay. All right. So, everybody
ready? Here we
go. Something. I hear something. Where
is
it? It's coming from
Joey. Oh my god. That's so freaky. Turn
him off.
Hi. Hi.
What are What are What are these? Oh,
just some pictures I made and hung up.
Thought they brighten up the place. They
do, don't you think?
No, no, no, no.
I I know that there's no hole there. I I
just really like that picture.
Oh my god, look at this. Okay, but there
is a wire back there. I mean, that
switch is connected to something. I
don't care. The wires have come loose in
your
head. I just thought if I could follow
the wire, I could find out what it did.
And did you?
No. It disappears back there behind that
baseboard. A minute there, I thought it
went
downstairs, but it
didn't. Say hello to Mrs. Katraus. Oh my
god. Hello, darling. Hello, Mrs.
Katraus.
[Music]
The super couldn't figure out what it
did. The $200 an hour electrician
couldn't figure out what it did.
I've had seven pretty serious
shocks. I officially give up. Thank God.
Guess Joey was
right. It does
nothing. I'm doing it. I am totally
doing it.
[Music]
I lost it.
[Music]
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