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[Music]
Hey, look, Joey. I'm just saying if you
need something to hold you over, I can
get you a job right here as an
entry-level processor. But don't you
need experience for a job like that?
It's not that hard to learn. And as for
people realizing that you have no idea
what you're doing, hey, you're an actor.
Act like a processor. People will think
you're a processor.
Hey, Chandler, here's this morning's
projection. Hey, thanks. Scott
Alexander, Joey Tribani.
Joey is a uh fellow processor. No
kidding.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I process. People want
the processing. I'm the one they call.
Where do you work? Uh, well, right now
I'm in between things. You know how it
is. One day you're processing, the next
day you're not so much processing.
I was just telling Joey about the
opening in Fleshman's group. Fleshman's
group. Whatever you do, don't touch your
sandwiches.
Are all you processors dorks?
So, basically, this is very easy. You
read from the script and you try to sell
as much toner as you possibly can. Okay,
I can do that. Oh, by the way, I'd love
my office.
Why don't we do a trial run? Oh,
okay.
Um, all
right. Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire
Office Supplies. Can I speak to your
supply manager, please? I'm the supply
manager. Um, okay. I'd like to talk to
you about your toner needs. We don't
need any toner. Oh, okay. Well, I'm
sorry to bother you. Bye-bye.
Yeah, you're right. This is easy. Okay.
What was wrong with that call? Oh, well.
All right. Um, no offense, but you were
kind of rude.
They're always going to tell you they
don't need toner, but that's okay
because whatever they say, you can find
the answer to it here in the script. Oh.
So, I think you're ready to sell toner.
Do you have any last question? No. Oh,
wait. Yes, I do. I do have one question.
What is toner?
It's our anniversary, but I told you on
the phone I don't have time to stop.
Okay, you don't have to stop. I'm
invisible. I'm not here. Yeah, but I
don't Oh, who approved that order? Well,
there is no Mark Robinson in this
office. Get me Mark on the phone. I love
Mark. Do you know Mark? No. Well, let me
just check up with what I got here. All
right. See, 038 is not the number for
this score. 038 is Atlanta.
Pepper.
None for me. Don't get sad.
I'm sorry. As I was saying, the store
number is wrong and I'm sorry, but that
is Oh my god.
Okay.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Excuse me. I'm
sorry. I'm going to have to call you
back. I've got Shmp in my office.
What are you doing? I'm sorry, but um
Hey. Oh, somebody's off the phone. How
about a glass of wine by the fire? I'd
get it going again if you seeing in
Chicago, New York, and London are
consistently solid, but many of our
field offices have reported
disappointing
yields. Boston is down, Atlanta is down,
Houston is down. I could go on and on,
but instead of boring you, I'll go
straight to my 42point plan.
[Laughter]
Walter. Okay, if everyone's on board,
it's settled. Chandler.
[Laughter]
Chandler. Yeah. Are you on board?
Yes.
When problem solved, Chandler will be
running our office in Tulsa. You're
going to love Oklahoma.
Try feeding her again. I already fed
her. I know. That's why I said again.
All right, you guys. We can't turn on
each other. Okay, that's just what she
wants. Okay, Monica, can I talk to you
outside for a minute? Oh, no. You guys
just stay here. Here, I'm going to go
check her diaper. Febs, you want to
come? Oh, I'm kind of part of this.
Actually, Feebs, it's more of a husband
and wife kind of thing. I knew I should
have married Chandler.
Okay. What's up? Okay. Um, you know how
we always said it would be fun to move
to Paris for a year? You know, you could
study French cooking and I could write
and we could picnic along the sand and
go wine tasting in Bordeaux. Oh, yes.
Okay. You know how people say that
Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
[Laughter]
What? Who says that?
People who have never been to Paris.
What's going on? We're moving to Tulsa.
[Laughter]
Excuse me. Okay. Miss McKenna, she kind
of uh works above my boss. She asked me
to move to Tulsa and be the president of
our office there and I was sleeping and
apparently said yes.
Tulsa, Oklahoma, the Sooner
State, whatever that is,
Taylor, I don't even want to see the
musical Oklahoma. Really? Oh, what a
beautiful morning story with a fringe on
top. Are you trying to tell me that
we're moving to Oklahoma or that you're
gay?
Right. Not that this matters, but did
they at least offer you a huge raise?
No. No, but they are going to lease us a
Ford Focus.
I'll get out of it. Thank you.
What is wrong with Emma? Oh, she
misunderstood. She thought she was
moving to Tulsa.
Ma'am, uh, do you have a minute? I kind
of have some bad news. I I don't think I
can move to Tulsa.
What? Uh, it's a funny story
actually. Uh, I kind of fell asleep in
the meeting this morning. So, when I
said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really
know what I was saying. You fell asleep?
But only because I was up all night
worried about this meeting. Ain't that
funny?
Irony. Not a fan. All
right. See, here's the thing. I went
home and told my wife about Tulsa and
and she won't go. See me? I love Tulsa.
Tulsa is heaven. Tulsa is Italy. Please
don't make me go
there. Chandler, I No, no, no. Look,
Carol, can I call you
Carol? Why would I when your name is
Elaine? Oh, what a great picture of your
son strapping.
That's a picture of your daughter, isn't
it?
Well, she's lovely. I I like a girl with
a strong jaw.
I'll call you from Tulsa. Hey, feel free
to look, but I'm telling you, those
contracts are not on this desk. How
could you possibly know? Look at this
mess, Tag. I mean, this is what I'm
talking about. You have to be more
organized. You've got newspapers. You
got magazines.
Oh, and who's this
chippy? Little young for you, Tag, but
whatever. It's my sister.
Very cute braces.
Anyway, you know what the point is, Tag?
Start looking because you are going to
find those contracts on your desk.
So, when do you imagine you gave them to
me? In the morning or in the afternoon?
In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into
my office after lunch. He put them on my
desk and then I put a postit on
it that said, "Must go out
today." So, you just keep looking in
there. All right. I uh Oh, I'll squeeze
you fresh orange juice every morning
with extra pulp. Yeah.
No, I got it.
You don't have it. I so got it. There's
going to be rumors about this. There's
no way to stop it. Sophie knows. Monica
and Phoebe know. How do Monica and
Phoebe know? Oh, I called
them. And when they ask me what I saw, I
can be very
generous or very stingy.
Go on. I could make you a legend.
I can make you this generation's Milton
Burl.
And Milton Burl has Oh, not compared to
you.
Hello. Hey. Hey. Hello, Chandler.
I love you.
Hey, what's going on? Oh,
no he doesn't.
Two hours that lasted.
The data we're receiving from MRI scans
and DNA testing of these fossils are are
staggering. Mhm. I mean, we've been
accepting Leaky's dates as as a given.
But if they're off by even a 100,000
years or so, then you can you can just
throw most of our assumptions, you know,
right in the
trash. So, so what I'm saying is is
is
that is that uh
reparations could could be huge. I mean,
not just in in paleontology, but if you
think about it, in in evolutionary
biology, uh, genetics, uh, geology, I
mean, truly, the the mind boggles.
Well, that's not what you want.
[Music]
Hello, Joey. Hey, I need to talk to
Charlie. Is she there? No, she uh she
went shopping with Rachel. Why? What's
up? Well, I'm meeting with Professor
Sherman about my being the keynote
speaker. Oh, how's it going? It could be
better.
He um he fell asleep. What? But I
already bought my ticket to Bermuda,
Barbados. Fine, I'll rent the car and
drive. Ross, you have to get that job.
What am I supposed to do? He's cold. In
fact, he was just talking in his sleep
before, and evidently he wants someone
named Fran to spank him harder.
Well, just wake him up. I can't. If he
realizes that I'm the one who put him to
sleep, I won't get the job. Ooh, that's
a tough one. Oh, wait a minute. This
happened to me before. Yeah, I was
auditioning for a play and the producer
fell asleep.
I No, wait a minute. It was me who fell
asleep.
Yeah. I mean, hey, Shakespeare, how
about a chase scene once in a while?
[Music]
Oh my god. You really want me to be the
keynote
speaker? Thank you.
You're welcome.
May I help you? Yeah, I'm a friend of
Rachel Greens. Oh, right. Uh, Dawn.
Close.
Ron. Well, uh, what can I do for you?
Um, well, I'm here to see if if uh
you'll give Rachel her job back. Ah, did
she uh ask you to come here and do this?
Oh, no. First, I have to get you to
agree. Then we'll see if she wants to
come back.
Wow, that is tempting.
Look, she loved her job here. And let's
face it, you're not going to find anyone
who did it as well as she did. Isn't
that true? She is good. Oh, I took a
shot there.
This your son? Yeah, his name is Ross.
What? Uh, nothing. It's just it's uh
it's close to Ron.
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
Uh, listen, Bing. I received your memo.
So, we're not going to see the systems
report until next Friday. Well, the
people in my group want to spend the
holiday weekend with their family. I
have a family. I'm going to be here.
Yeah. Bing. What's that about?
It's about cutting my people a little
slack, you know, for morale. Look, if
you want to see some rough numbers, I
can get them to you by Wednesday. Rough
numbers.
This company was not built on rough
numbers. Am I right,
Mr. Have the final numbers on my desk by
Tuesday. If you say so, sir.
Joseph's good, isn't he?
Well, I'm going to kill you.
Hey. Hey. I just figured Joseph's the
kind of guy who likes to mix it up. You
know, get in there, ruffle some
feathers.
Why?
Look, I'm sorry, but that's what Joseph
does. Okay? If you try to pull
something, he'll call you on it. What
are you trying to pull? He'll say, "I've
just been working on this big
presentation for tomorrow." Well, I
should be involved in that. So, why
don't you get me up to speed? That's
going to take weeks. Why don't you just
let me take care of the presentation?
Oh, no, no, no, no. I see what you're
doing here. All right. Listen, this is
my job, buddy. Okay? I've had it for 5
years and I know how it works. So, why
don't you just catch me up? Fine.
Oh, God. I totally messed with the back
support on my chair. How do you fix
this? Hey, you've been here 5 years. You
figure it out. Fine, I
will. All
right, fill me in. Chandler Bing. Hi,
honey. We're all here. We just want to
wish you a merry Christmas. Merry
Christmas. Merry Christmas.
A merry Christmas. I miss you guys. So,
is it horrible? Is everybody working
really hard? Uh, well, no. It's just uh
me and Wendy.
Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
It is. Did I not tell you about her?
Mhm. Mhm. About the time you told me
about New Year's Eve. Where's everybody
else? I sent them home. Oh, you are such
a good boss. Is she pretty?
Uh uh. Answer faster. Answer faster. I
don't know. Answer better. Answer
better.
I don't think of her that way, you know.
I She's a uh she's a colleague. What
does she do there? Oh, she's regional
vice president. She's just below me. She
did what?
Below me.
Oh, wait. Is Wendy the runner-up Miss
Oklahoma? What?
Well, she she didn't win.
All right. Well, maybe I should let you
and the second prettiest girl in
Oklahoma get back to work. Well, second
prettiest that year. here. I mean, of
all the girls in Oklahoma, she's
probably Oh, Chandler, stop talking.
Honey, there's really nothing to worry
about. Okay, I'm serious. Okay.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry
Christmas, you guys. Merry Christmas.
The wife says, "Hi." Ah, fun
conversation. Oh, well, she's just got
this weird idea that uh you know, just
because you and I are alone that
something's going to happen. Huh?
Really? That be so terrible?
This is probably the wrong thing to be
worrying about, but you're getting ham
on my only tie.
Toby, have a good
night. Did that guy just call you Toby?
Yeah, he thinks that's my name.
Well, why don't you correct him? Oh,
it's been going on way too long now.
I mean, the first time he said it, we
were just passing each other in the
hallway, so I didn't say anything. And
then the next time he said, "Hey, Toby,
you want a donut?" And I I wanted a
donut. And now it's 5 years later, the
donut's gone, and I'm still Toby.
Wow, it's huge. It's so much bigger than
the cubicle.
Oh, this is a cube.
Look at this.
You have a window.
Yes, indeedy. With a beautiful view of
Oh, look. That guy's peeing.
Okay, that's enough of the view. All
right, check this out. Look at this.
Okay, sit down here. Sit. Okay. Okay,
this is great. This is great.
Yeah.
Helen, could you come in here for a
moment?
Thank you, Helen. That'll be all.
Last time I do that, I promise.
It's been a while, huh? Well, it's
funny. These halls look smaller than
they used to. It's a different building.
Dope.
Striker Raor, huh? When do you want me
to start? Why don't we start right now?
Okay. Here are the audition scenes.
Audition? Thought you were going to
offer me the part. Why would you think
that? Well, I was Dr. Drake Ramores,
Striker's twin brother, who looks more
like me than me,
right? Everybody has to audition.
You know, Terry, I I don't really need
to do this. I got my own cable TV
series with the robot.
I'm sorry, Joey. That's That's the way
it
is.
Well, I guess you think you're pretty
special, huh? Sitting up here in your
fancy small hall
building, making stars jump through
hoops for you, huh? Well, you know
what? This is one star whose
hoop This is a star that the hoop. This
hoop I was Dr. Drake Lamore.
[Music]
Good morning everybody. Can I get you a
cup of coffee, sir? Oh, no, no, no. I'm
an intern just like you guys, except for
the tie, the briefcase, and the fact
that I can rent a car.
Seriously, you're an intern? Yeah. Oh,
I'm kind of heading in a new career
direction and you know, you got to start
at the bottom,
dude. All right. Look, I know I'm a
little bit older than you guys, but it's
not like I'm Bob Hope,
the comedian. Uso.
Uh, it's USA. Sir,
I really owe you an apology for what?
Well, when we first met, you know, I
thought you were pompous and arrogant
and obnoxious. Is this your first
apology? No, I just mean that, you know,
first impressions don't mean anything.
And I I I think you're a really good
guy, and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
Morning. Do you know what? Hey, new day,
new leaf. I am just really, really
happy. I'm sorry. Obviously, Heather's
ass has something more important to say,
so I'll just wait till it's finished.
What? I was giving you an apology, and
you were totally checking her out. I
wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion.
I was looking at her skirt.
Or was it pants? I didn't really see
what happened below the ass area.
Oh, wow. You are really You're really a
creep. What? Do you even care if I was
looking at her? Are you jealous? Oh,
yeah. I'm jealous. Oh, Gavin, please.
Please look at my
ass. Stop looking at my
ass. I mean, I just think you are
totally inappropriate. Okay, this is a
work environment. She's your
subordinate. But it was okay when you
slept with your old assistant, Tag.
That is totally different for two
reasons.
One, I didn't know that you knew
that. And two, I wasn't some creep
staring at his ass. We had a We had a
deep meaningful relationship.
Huh? What was Tag's last name? It
was Oh my
god. He He did He he didn't have a last
name. Is it true that the reason you're
here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in
a meeting and took the job without
realizing what you were saying yes to?
Well, don't believe everything you hear,
Ken. But yeah, that's true. All
right, let's get started by uh taking a
look at last quarter's figures.
Uh Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow
smoke up the boss's ass?
I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?
No, no, no, no. I smoked for years, then
I quit.
Right now, I can't remember why.
You're not allowed to smoke in this
office, though, right? Yes. In Oklahoma,
it's legal to smoke in offices with 15
people or less. Would you like one? All
right. Look, look. I don't smoke
anymore. But if the rest of you want to
light up, go ahead. It's
fine. So, you all smoke then. No. It's
It's almost rude that I'm not smoking.
Well, that's not true. If you don't want
to smoke, Ken, please.
No, I can't I can't smoke. If I smoke,
my wife would kill me. I'm sorry, but
isn't your wife back in New York?
I've always liked you, Ken.
[Music]
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