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[Music]
You don't have to stop having fun just
because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on
all of you.
Well, except you.
[Laughter]
Hey, Joey. I don't think that you should
leave Chander alone. I mean, it's only
been two days since you broke up with
Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next
week. Look, there's nothing I can do for
him right now. He's still in his
sweatpants. That's only phase one.
I'll be back for phase two. I would
never miss phase two. What's phase two?
Getting drunk and going to a strip club.
How does going to a strip club make him
better? There are naked ladies there.
Oh, and it helps him get to phase three,
picturing yourself with other women.
There are naked ladies there, too. Yeah.
Would you give me one minute, please?
Welcome everybody. Welcome to Amazing
Discovery.
Oh. Oh, I thought again. You guys can
please not watch this. Whatever.
Folks, this ever happened to you? You go
to the refrigerator, get a nice glass of
milk, but these darn cartons are so
flinging flanging hard to open. Well,
you said it, Mike. I don't
There's got to be a better way. And
there is. Kevin,
can we please turn this off? No way.
Kevin, what if I told you that there's a
revolutionary new product that
guarantees you'll never have to open up
milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master
2000.
Are you intrigued? You're flinging.
Flinging right. I
am. It's his first time. He's never used
this product before. You're going to see
how easy this is to do. Go ahead. This
works in any milk carton. Wow, it is
easy. Now I can have milk every day.
10 blocks down, five to go. Oh, wait.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you
need a break?
My boots in tan. Hey, can you get a
little closer so I can see the price? I
can see it from right here. It'll cost
you one husband.
Okay, I'm sorry. I think I I can walk
the rest of the way now. Just Just give
me my boots.
I don't have your boots. Well, I don't
have them either. Where are they? Well,
why don't you check in one of my saddle
bags while I chew on a bail of hay?
Okay, go. We got to go back and get
them. Honey, are you seriously ever
going to wear the boots again?
Okay, I'm never going to wear them
again. Just didn't get a chance to say
goodbye.
You know what? You can say goodbye to
the tan ones. Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Bye, Boots. Wait. Half off.
Hi.
[Applause]
How was the honeymoon? Oh, incredible.
Oh, champagne, candle at dinners,
moonlight walks on the beach. It was so
romantic. So, where's Mike? Oh, he's
with the doctor. He didn't poop the
whole time over there.
Well, anyway, I'm glad you're back. I
really need your help. Oh, why? What's
up? Well, I have an audition for this
play, and for some of it, I have to
speak French, which according to my
resume, I'm fluent in.
Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume.
Yeah, you really shouldn't. By the way,
how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
It was okay.
I did not know you spoke French.
You're so sexy.
Well, so will you help me? I really want
to be in this play. Sure.
Seriously, stop it. I want to jump on
you.
Presenting the award for favorite
returning male character is Mackenzie.
This is it. This is this my category. Oh
my god. Do you have speech? Yep. Got my
speech. Did you got your gracious loser
face? Yep. I know. No, Charlie.
Remember, if you win, you have to hug
me. You hug me. Okay. They say, "Can I
squeeze your ass?"
On TV, proven that this is not always.
In the category of favorite returning
male character, the nominees are John
Wheeler from General Hospital,
Gavin Graham from The Young and the
Restless, Duncan Harrington from
Passions, and Joey Tribani from Days of
Our Lives.
And the Sophie goes
to Gavin Graham from The Young and the
[Applause]
[Applause]
Restless. I'd like to toast Ross and
Emily. Of course, my big toast will be
tomorrow at the wedding. So, this is
kind of my little toast or or Melba
toast, if you will.
Okay, I've known Ross for a long time.
In fact, I knew him when he was going
out with his first girlfriend, and I
thought things were really going to work
out for him until the day he
overinflated
her. Oh, dear
God. I'm sure we're all very excited uh
that Ross and Emily are getting married
at Montgomery Hall. I mean, to think my
friend getting married in Monty Hall.
Oh, come on. My money wall. Let's make a
deal. Come on, you people.
All right, forget it. Congratulations,
W. Hey, best man number two, Joey
Triani. Now, I'm not good with the jokes
like Chandler here, but I just want to
point out I never did anything to hurt
you in high school. That's not totally
true. What? What? Well, you you did
start that rumor about Ross making out
with Mrs. Altman, our 50year-old
librarian.
How did you know that?
It's true.
No.
Yes, it is. I saw you guys going at it
behind the card catalog.
I'm sorry. When you were in high school,
you made out with a 50-year-old woman.
Hey, she didn't look 50. Did she look
16?
Oh, there's a picture of her in the
yearbook, actually. Oh,
wow. She didn't photograph. Well,
well, she probably wasn't familiar with
the process, having spent most of her
life sitting for oil paintings.
So, how did this happen? Did she Did she
lure you to an early bird dinner?
Hey, pal.
Eddie, what are you still doing here?
Uh, just some basic dehydrating of a few
fruits and vegetables. Man, alive. This
thing's fantastic.
Look, Eddie, aren't you forgetting
anything? Oh, yeah. That's right. Look,
I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot
feistier than the last one. Yeah, maybe
because the last one was made by
Peppidge
Farm. Look, Eddie, isn't there something
else you're supposed to be doing right
now? Well, unless it's got something to
do with dehydrating, my man. Cuz right
now I'm a dehydrating maniac.
Look, you have to help me out here. I
thought we had a deal. I thought by the
time I got You know what that is?
Your last roommate's
kidney. That's a That's a
tomato. This one definitely goes in the
display.
You know, you called me that before. So,
I I took the liberty of fashioning a
star out of aluminum foil. Now, no
pressure. You like my cookies, you give
me the star.
Wow, a
star. I know you all hate me and and I'm
sorry, but I don't care.
Okay, Joey, you're up next.
Oh my god, this is amazing. You get an
A. I got an
A in school. Hey, I'm a dork.
Joey, I'm so proud of you. I think you
should give him your star. Excuse me.
He doesn't even know what he's doing.
We're all beginners here. Nobody knows
what they're doing. I do. I'm a
professional chef. Oh, relax. It's not a
courtroom drama.
If you're a professional chef, what are
you doing taking introduction to
cooking? Yeah.
Hi. I need those earrings you borrowed.
Oh. Um, okay. Yeah, I'll be I'll be
right back. Okay.
Wow. Fees, you speak Italian, I guess
so.
There you go. Thank you. Wait, Ra,
where's the other one? Oh, wait. You
want both of
them? Rachel Karen Green, where's the
other earring? Okay. Okay. Okay. Look,
just don't freak out, but I kind of lost
it. Oh, I know it's in the apartment,
but I definitely lost it. What am I
going to tell Monica? She wants to wear
them tonight. I don't know. Tell her to
wear her own earrings. These are her
earrings. No. No. You lent me Monica's
earrings. I'm not allowed to borrow her
stuff.
Why not? Because I lose her stuff.
Okay. Okay. Here's a good one of us.
Wow, that is a good one. Wow. It looks
like a like a holiday card, you know,
with the tree in the middle and the the
skaters and the snow. You know, every
year I say I'm going to send out holiday
cards and I never do it. Do you want to
do you want to send this one out
together?
Together? I like to to people.
Yeah. You know, happy holidays from Mona
and Ross. It'll be cute. Okay.
Okay.
Oh, I got to get to work, so call me
later. Oh, sure. Sure. Bye, guys. Bye.
Congratulations. You just got married.
No. Can you believe that? Wait, I'm I'm
sorry. What's the big deal about a
holiday card? Married couples send out
cards. Families send out cards. People
who have been dating for a couple of
months do not send out card. What? What?
Is she crazy? Hey, hey, hey. That's your
wife you're talking about.
Someone in there?
No, this is just part of a daredevil
game that I played called Wait until the
last moment before I burst and
die. Jeez, man. Did you fall
high? So, uh, did you did did you fall
high?
Someone was in the ladies room. I
couldn't wait. I left the lid up for
you, though.
You know what? Uh, got the Go. Uh, go
ahead. I'm I'm talking to
uh this is the part where you'd say your
name. Ginger. Ginger. I'm talking to
Ginger. So,
don't you have to use the bathroom?
Nope. Nope. I just uh I'd rather uh talk
to you.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom.
Someone in here.
Hello.
[Music]
Emma.
Hey.
Hi. How are you? How are you? Where are
your babysitters? Huh?
Why is the bedroom door closed?
You can't have sex when you're taking
care of a bie.
Well, that was weird. You were loud and
I was fast.
I think you may have really done it this
time. Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait
to take a pregnancy test.
May want to get some more of those, too.
Where's Emma? Oh my god. Where's Emma?
Where's Emma? Don't ask me. I was in
there canoodling you.
Hey. Hi. Sorry I'm late. Did I miss
anything? Oh, Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in
his mouth.
15? Your personal best.
So, where were you? Oh, on a date. Yeah.
I met this girl on the train going to a
museum upstate. Oh, yeah. How did you
meet? Museum.
No. Answer his.
Okay. It was just me and her at the back
of the train and I sat near the door so
she'd have to pass by me if she wanted
to like switch cars. She was totally at
my mercy. Were you so late because you
were burying this woman?
Well, I'm getting back now because she
lives in Pikipsy. She seems really
great, but she's like 2 and 1/2 hours
away. How can she be great if she's from
Pikipsy?
Okay, that joke would have killed in
Albany.
Done. I did it. Huh? Who's stupid now,
huh?
Hi, you guys. Hey. Hey. What's the
matter? Well, it's just it's one of
these situations that I just hate. You
know, a massage client gave me three
tickets to the helmet pelts exhibit at
the Morgan Chase Museum. Now you're
thinking you got to sleep with him.
No, no, it's just that he gave me three
tickets and there are six of us. I'll
give up my ticket. Me, too.
Okay, that's so generous. And I think
Ross is generous, too.
Great. Okay, then it's just us girls.
Great. Yeah.
So, what what is the exhibit? It's
mostly just photographs of um lesbian
love scenes interspersed with video
games and free sandwiches.
Oh man, what's
Hey, Ross. Listen, Chandler got you out
of going to the lesbian sandwich museum
this weekend.
Hey, Chad, look at the window. There's
my name. Hi, me.
I remember the day I got my first
paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of
the mines and eight people were killed.
Wow. You worked in a mine? I worked in a
Dairy Queen mine.
God, isn't this exciting? I earned this.
I wiped tables for it. I steamed milk
for it. And it was
totally not worth
it. Where's Fica? Why is he getting all
my money?
I mean, what, Chandler? Look at that.
Oh, this is not that bad. Oh, you're
fine. Yeah, for a first job. You can
totally totally live on this. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Hey, by the way, great service
today.
I'm here for Thanksgiving. I know it's
sick. Why is it sick? Because it's
Richard's son. It's like inviting a
Greek tragedy over for dinner.
Hey, come on, people. You understand,
don't you? Yeah, I could see where I'd
be your best shot, but no.
Sorry, honey. I think it's twisted.
Yeah. What's twisted? Me going out with
Richard's son.
Ew, ew, ew, ew.
Sounds like a really bad idea to me.
Is he okay in there? He's fine.
Hey, you know, man, if things work out
between you and Richard's son, you'll be
able to tell your kids that you slept
with her grandfather.
Fine. Judge all you want to, but married
a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell
in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a
girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a
box.
Boss, what are you talking? Oh my god,
they put my baby's face on a penis.
Now it's a party.
You guys, this isn't funny. All right,
if I wanted this cake to be a disaster,
I would have baked it myself.
Uh, is it okay that I still think it
looks delicious?
Look at this. I know what you're
thinking, Judy. The resemblance is
uncanny.
I am this close to tugging on my
testicles again.
No. No. This is not what I ordered.
Okay. I went all the way to New Jersey
so that I could have the perfect cake
for my daughter's birthday. And I need a
bunny cake right now. Ask him if it
would be faster if we cut the baby's
face off the penis so we could put it on
the bunny.
That is a weird
[Music]
sentence. Kathy. Kathy. Hi, Kathy.
Kathy.
[Music]
catch
it. Copy. Cabie.
[Music]
Hey, Chandler. What are you doing here?
I just want to say hey.
Hey.
Okay.
Hey, listen, man. About the stripper.
Yeah. Good call.
Okay. Little announcement. Little
announcement. I have decided that my
best man is my best friend, Gunther.
What's my last name?
Central Perk.
Thanks for not marrying Rachel.
Hey. Who? Hey, Gunther. Don't Don't
forget your shirt.
Hey. Hey. What are those? Got little
party favors. Check it out.
Wow.
Yeah. Oh.
A little announcement. Want everybody to
know the position of my best man is
still open and uh you know so is the
position of the bride.
Great.
Smooth, man. Yeah. You got some chili on
your neck.
Let's give Pete a chance. Come on. He
was funny. He seems really nice. And
that check thing was adorable. What
check thing? As a joke, this customer at
work who has a crush on me gave me a
$20,000 tip. His number's on the check.
He just did it so I'd call. Pete Becker.
Pete.
Is this him? That's Bill Clinton.
Who's he hugging?
Oh my god. That's Pete. Why is Bill
hugging Pete? This guy embedded Moss
865. Every office in the world uses that
program. We use it. There you go.
Oh my god. Monica's going to go out with
a millionaire. No, I'm not going to go
out with him. Oh my god. I can't believe
this is a real $20,000 Jericho. This is
just so exciting.
Or incredibly offensive. Well, yeah,
sure. That, too.
Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this
cart. Yeah, well, I had a 24 in waist.
You lose things. Come on. Get out of my
way. I'm sorry. You know, maybe I wasn't
being clear. Uh, this was our car. Hey,
hey, hey. There weren't any clothes in
it. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Quit making up
rules. Let go. Come on. This my first.
All right. Listen, Minty. If you want
this cart, you're going to have to take
me with it.
[Laughter]
Did you see that? You were incredibly a
brand new woman, ladies and
gentlemen. You think I could not have
done this without you?
Okay. Um uh more clothes in the dryer, I
guess. I'm fine. Worst thing can happen
on anniversary ever. Oh, good. All
right. You decided to tell about the
Richard.
What? What Richard thinks? Oh no.
What Richard think? Simmons. Go with
Simmons.
[Music]
Okay. I um I ran into Richard yesterday
and he asked me if I wanted to go for a
bite and I did. And the only reason why
I didn't tell you is because I I knew
you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil
our anniversary.
I'm not mad.
Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, you you
bumped into Richard. You grabbed a bite.
No big deal.
Great.
Okay, London won. I did it. I finished
it. I did it all by myself. And there's
nobody to hug.
Hey. Hey, you guys. I finished the
crossroad all by myself. Hug me. Yay.
Congratulations. Thank you. Hey, how'd
the catering go? Oh, it was great. The
widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at
her till she did. Yeah, I'm a hard ass
and I'm a wuss.
Yeah, we should be partners. Yeah, hard
ass and wuss. We could fight crime.
Wait a minute,
Phoebe. We should be partners. We should
be catering partners. I mean, think
about it. You're not working right now
and we have such a great time together.
Okay, I can cook and you can take care
of the money. Yeah. Oh, it'll be like I
have a wife in the 50s.
What? I just realized why I remember
this place. Really? What is it? Oh, it's
nothing. I went on a date with a guy who
lived in this building and it didn't end
very well.
That wouldn't by any chance be Joey
Tribani. Yes, of course it was.
Yeah. We had a really great night and in
the morning he promised he would call me
and he didn't. Rat bastard.
So, you're not friends with him? Oh,
god. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Nope. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No.
No.
Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are
either one of you planning on staying at
home with me?
Hello. Anybody in there? Order a
celebrity.
What was that? Oh, that's just some
crazy guy who roams the halls
here. He's great with kids, though. Oh
my god. Joey Trivani from Days of Our
Lives. just walked in here. Ra, he's a
friend of ours. You are friends with Dr.
Drake Remor?
It's kind of hard to be friends with
Drake because of his busy schedule and
the fact that he's not real.
Hey. Hey. Or I could bring my keyboard
here sometime. He's coming. He's coming
over, Joey. I know. Here. Here.
Oh, no. This is my friend Rachel. We
went to high school together.
I
I love you on that show. I watch you
every day. I mean, when you took out
your own kidney to save your ex-wife,
even though she tried to kill you.
Well, it's always nice to meet the fans.
She's not crazy, is she?
So, uh, how are you doing?
Hi. Hi,
Rachel. What's she doing here?
I have no idea.
Um, I'll be watching TV if anybody needs
me.
Seriously, what is she doing? Uh, you
know, lately she just likes hanging out
here.
Why? I think she's lonely.
Okay, but it's Valentine's Day. Can't we
just ask her to go? Well, no. No, she's
way too emotional. And by emotional, I
mean Christy.
I'm not here. That's just my Chinese
food. Oh my god. She has food delivered
here. Mhm. Yes. She's She's emotional
but but ballsy.
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
And you thought she was going to be in
our
way. So, okay. Why don't you uh open the
champagne and I will be right back. I've
got a surprise for you. You got another
ex-wife back there.
So, did he get on one knee? Did Did he
have a speech prepared? Oh, did he cry?
Yeah. Big surprise. I like proposals.
Well, it was really sweet and like the
most romantic thing ever. Well, hey.
Well, here's Tibbe who's found the
greatest guy in the world. To Phoebe and
I want to say Mike.
To Phoebe and Mike.
Thank you. Oh, and I have something for
you. It's Yeah, it's my little black
book. It's got the numbers of all the
guys I've dated.
Oh, Benny, that's nice. But you know
what? I think I'm okay. Why don't you
give it to one of your other single
girlfriends? I would, but you're the
last one.
Give me the book.
Pablo Diaz, Brady
[Music]
Smith, guy in van. Oh, my first love.
What does the red X next to Bob
Griemore's name mean? Dead.
H. Funny story. I bumped into Joanna on
the street yesterday.
My boss Joanna. Wow, that must have been
awkward. Well, no, actually, she asked
me if I wanted to get a drink.
You uh didn't say yes to that, did you?
No. No. Hello, Rachel.
Well, not at
first. What is she doing here?
I don't understand. Last time you went
out with her, you said she was a big
doll dud. Well, I think I judged her too
quickly. And this time we were able to
take the relationship to the next level.
Well, last time I almost got fired. You
must end it. You must end it now. Oh,
come on. It's not like this is an
everyday occurrence for me. I mean,
usually I'm pretty much just in there by
myself.
I I I want to thank you all for coming.
My family and my friends.
Woohoo. I'd really like to say that I'm
um You know what I'd really like to
say? I'm drunk.
That's right, mom and dad. Your little
mara is
hammered. And guess what? I've been
drunk
before and I've smoked a
cigarette. You know what? You know
what? It's all okay. It's okay because I
turned 30
today and I could do anything I
want because I am a grownup.
What? Nothing. Nothing. Just your over
coat sounds remarkably like Brent
Musberger. Check it out. Giants Cowboys.
You're watching a football game at a
funeral. No, it's the pregame. I'm going
to watch it at the reception.
You are a frightening, frightening man.
Oh no, my new Paulo shoes. Oh, I hope
they're not
ruined. You okay? God, what a great
day. What? Weatherwise,
I know
you the air, the the
trees, even though Nana's gone, there's
there's something almost uh I don't
know, almost like
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Just just having my worst fear realized,
but
you guys are so cute. I know.
All right. I'll see you tomorrow. Okay.
Okay.
[Music]
You know, I love doing crossword puzzles
with you, honey. Me, too. Now, let's
finish this and go to bed. Okay, there's
only one left. Threeletter word. Not
dog, but
cat.
Yes. You are so smart.
I love you. I love you, too.
Hey everybody, happy Thanksgiving. No,
no, no, no, no, no. What are we keeping
Thanksgiving a secret this year? No. We
are playing this game I learned at work.
You have to name all the states in six
minutes. What? That's like insanely
easy. No, it's a lot harder than it
sounds. You always forget at least one
or in some
cases 14.
It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing
against other people, so technically I
didn't lose. What? You forgot 14 states?
Nobody cares about the Dakotas.
Oh, okay. Time's up. All right. I got
48. Oh, that's not bad, babe. Oh, I got
tired of naming states, so I decided to
list the types of
celery. And I have one regular celery.
Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has
the lead
in vegetables. Joey, say hello to the
new champ of Chandler's dumb states
game. Wow. How many you got? 56.
Hey, thieves. Guess who we saw today?
Oh. Oh, fun. Okay. Um, Liam Niss. No.
Where are we safer? Nope. The woman who
cuts my hair. Okay. Look, this could be
a really long game. Your sister Ursula.
Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. She works over
at that place. Uh, Griff. Yeah, I know.
Oh, you do? Because she said you guys
haven't talked in like years. Mhm. Yeah.
So, um, is she fat?
Not from where I was standing.
Where were you
standing? Um, fees. So, you you guys
just don't get along. It's mostly just
dumb sister stuff, you know? I mean,
like, everyone always thought of her as
the pretty one, you know?
And oh, oh, she was the first one to
start walking, even though I did it
later that same day.
But to my parents by then it was like,
"Yeah, right. Well, what else is new?
Some stranger is going to be living in
my room." Well, after 15 years of mom
and dad keeping it as a shrine to you,
it's time the velvet ropes came down.
I kept your room for a while. Oh,
please. Dad turned my room into a gym 20
minutes after I moved out. I got to say,
a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's
Secret cataloges, not a gym.
Come on. And you know they love you as
much as they love you. I was their first
born. They thought she was barren. It's
not my fault.
Look, all my stuff is safe and dry. And
all her stuff is is growing new
stuff. See, this is exactly the kind of
thing that makes her think you guys love
me more than you love her. Oh my god.
Does she really think that? Well, can
you blame her? I don't know. I I I
suppose we may have favored you
unconsciously. You were a medical
marvel. The doctor said your mother
could Dad. I don't want to hear about
it. Really? Well, not right now. Uh,
morning. Hey. Hey. Hey. Do you guys
think you could uh close your eyes for
just a sec? Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm not
falling for that again.
What's going on? Well, I I sort of did a
stupid thing last night. What stupid
thing did you do?
[Applause]
Okay, Paulo, why don't you just go get
dressed and you'll be on your way. Okay.
Bye. Bye.
Rachel, how did this happen? I don't
know. I just kind of ran into him last
night. Where? At his apartment. Is this
juice?
Whoa. Whoa. And the fact that you dumped
him cuz he hit on Phoebe. Oh, God. I
know. I'm pathetic. I'm a loser.
Honey, you're not pathetic. You're just
You're sad. Yeah. I mean, people do
stupid things when they're upset. My
god. If I had a nickel for every guy I
wish I hadn't.
Come on. There's got to be something.
Oh, she's perfect.
I have one.
Great. Okay, you can go first. Uh, well,
I guess I'm not going to miss the fact
that you're never allowed to move the
phone pin.
That's a good one. Okay, Monica,
anything? You know, does Rachel move the
phone pin?
Ah, sometimes.
Always, actually.
Okay, good. There you go. Doesn't
everyone feel better?
It's not just the foam pin.
I never get my messages. You get your
messages? Yeah. Well, I don't think it
really counts if you have to read them
off the back of your hand after you fall
asleep on the couch. So So you missed a
message from who? Chandler or your mom
or Chandler or your mom?
Well, that's
me.
Here, have this. I'm only allowed one
piece of carryon anyway.
Wait.
Uh, listen. I I I have to tell you
something. Um, I've been thinking. I'm
just going to come out and say it, okay?
I I I
think I love you.
Oh, thank you.
[Laughter]
It's no problem.
Hey guys. Hey. So, what do you think?
About what? What? Yeah. What? Are you
kidding? Okay, I'll give you a hint.
I'll give you a hint.
Eyes. No. No. Your eyes. No. Chandler's
eyes.
I got glasses.
You always had glasses.
No, I didn't.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Didn't Didn't you used to have a
pair? They were really round and
burgundy and they made you look kind of
um feminine. Yes.
No, sweetie. I think the glasses look
great. They make you look really sexy.
Really? Yeah. And you didn't think I
used to wear glasses, right? Of course.
You know, everything's going to be fine.
The baby's sleeping. What if she jumped
out of the bassinet? Can't hold her own
head up. But yeah, jumped.
Oh my god. I left the water running.
Rach, you did not leave the water
running. Please, just just pull yourself
together. Okay. Wait, did I leave the
stove on? You haven't cooked since 1996.
Is the window open? Because if the
window's open, a bird could fly in
there. And Oh my god. You know what? I
think you're right. I think you know
what? Listen, listen. A a pigeon. No, no
way. No, no. An eagle flew
in. Landed on the stove and caught
fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps
across the apartment to the mighty
bird's aid. The eagle, however,
misconstruses this as an act of
aggression and grabs the baby in its
talent. Meanwhile, the faucet fills the
apartment with water. Baby and Bird,
still ablaze, are locked in a death
grip. swirling around the whirlpool that
fills the apartment.
Boy, are you going to be sorry if that's
true. I need to talk to you. Sure.
What's up? Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
I I know.
Well, if something comes
up Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that
little awkward face.
Okay. My boss Joanna, when you left, she
started asking questions about you. Like
what she saw, huh?
Doug my action, did she? Checking out
the chen chain name.
[Applause]
That was surreal.
Okay. What do you think? You interested
at all? Yeah, she seemed cool.
attractive. I'll do it. Oh, thank you,
Chandler. This is so great. She's going
to love me. Hey, dinosaur tan. Quick,
everybody into the house.
[Music]
Guys, there's uh somebody I'd like you
to meet.
[Music]
Wait, wait. What is that? That would be
Marcel. Do you want to say hi? No. No, I
don't. Oh, he is precious. Where did you
get him? My friend Bethl rescued him
from some lab. That is so cruel. Why?
Why would a parent name their child
Bethl?
Hey, that monkeyy's got a Ross on his
ass.
Ross, is he going to live with you like
in your apartment? Yeah. I mean, it's
been kind of quiet since Carol left. So,
why don't you just get a roommate? Uh, I
don't know. Well, I think you reach a
certain age. Having a roommate is just
kind of
pathet That's
pathet way to live.
Hey. Hey.
I was just at the bank and there was
this really hot teller and she didn't
ask me to go do it with her in the
vault.
Same kind of thing happened to me. Woman
pizza delivery guy comes over, gives me
the pizza, takes the money, and leaves.
What? No like nice apartment. Bet the
bedrooms are huge.
Nothing.
You know what? We have to turn off the
porn. I think you're right.
Like, all right. Ready? One, two, three.
That's kind of nice.
Yeah, that's kind of a relief.
You want to see if we still have it?
Yeah.
Free. We have a free
Well, hello there.
I didn't see this on the menu.
Tim, this is Phoebe. Phoebe. This is
Tim, my new sue chef. Oh, so you're
Monica's boss. Actually, she's my boss.
Sue is is French for under. Ah, I sue
stand.
Hey Tim, I need a calamari and a Caesar
salad. And um could you get me the
pesto? Yeah. You you made pesto? Yes, I
did. Would you say your pesto is the
best? I I don't know, but I I would say
it's pretty good. O,
I still need the calamari and the Caesar
salad. I like your necklace. Oh, I made
it myself. You are so talented. Well,
it's no pesto.
All right. All right. Let's just cut to
the chase. Okay. You're single. You're
single. He gets off work at 11:00.
She'll be waiting for your call. I'll
give him your number if I could just get
one calamari and one Caesar salad.
I did not yell. I am not putting a
dollar in the jar.
We're a couple and that's uh what
couples do. And I want to meet your
parents. We should take a trip with your
parents.
I don't think we need to because you're
tripping me out right now.
Are you okay? No, I am. I actually am. I
mean, this is amazing. My entire life, I
have feared this place. And now that I'm
here, it's like, what was the big deal?
I mean, I could probably say, "Let's
move in together," and I'd be okay. You
probably want us to move in together.
It doesn't scare me. Yeah, well, it
scares me. I mean, I'm not even divorced
yet, Chandler. You know, you just
invited me over here for pasta and all
of a sudden you're like talking about
moving in together and I wasn't even
that hungry. You know what? It's getting
really late and I I should just um No,
no, no, don't go. I've scared you. I've
said too much. I'm hopeless and awkward
and desperate for love.
Yeah. Do you want it?
No. I hate cats. Well, so then what are
you doing to me? Okay, just get out of
here. All right, move on.
Jeez. Wow, what an unusual cat. Yes,
thank you. Exactly. You want it? Maybe.
I was thinking about getting a cat. I
was just going to go to the shelter, but
Okay, why not? Oh, terrific. That'll be
$2,000.
What? Okay, a,000. I thought you wanted
me to adopt your cat. Well, I do, but
you're just going to have to actually
look at this as more of an investment
than a cat. Okay. Yeah. I just wanted a
cat. Yeah. Okay.
Okay. Obviously, you know how to haggle.
So, I'm not going to try and take you
on. Okay. So, $800. And I don't call the
cops, which I should because you are
robbing me. Blind. Blind. You're active.
Just take the cat, leave the money, and
run away. Just run away. Damn it. Hey,
can't you at least smile or something?
You're awake. Look at you. How do you
How do you feel? Uh, a little woozy, but
basically okay. Gosh, you you look good.
I feel
good. Who are you? Oh, sorry. I'm I'm
Phoebe Buffet. I'm Monica Geller. I've
been taking care of you. But we both
have. So, the Etcha sketch is from you
guys. Well, actually, it's just from me.
Yeah, I got you the foot massager. You
know who shaved you? That was me. I read
to you. I sang. Ha.
Well, thanks. Oh, my pleasure. You're
welcome. So, I guess I'll see you
around.
What? That's
it. See you around. Well, what do you
want me to say? Oh, I don't know. Maybe.
Um, that was nice. Admit something to
me. I'll call you.
All right, I'll call you. I don't think
you mean that.
Wait a minute. You stayed home all day
and played Miss Pac-Man while I went off
to work like some kind of chump.
And I got all the top 10 scores. I
erased Phoebe off the board. High five.
What is the matter with your hand?
Well, I've been playing it for like
eight hours. It'll loosen up. Come on,
check out the scores. Oh, and also look
at the initials. They're dirty words.
Chandler, why would you do that? Because
it's awesome.
You think this is clever? Well, you
know, they only give you three letters,
so after as SS, it is a bit of a
challenge.
Wait a minute. This one's not dirty.
Well, it is when you put it together
with that one.
Oh, well. If you don't clear this off,
you won't be getting one of those for
me. Ben's coming over here tomorrow to
play this game. This can't be there.
Come on. He won't even know what they
mean. Jaylor, he's seven. He's not
stupid. Have you talked to him lately?
This is the guy I was telling you about.
Yeah. Yeah. And believe me, this suit
does not do justice to what's underneath
it.
Okay. But I can't I'm just sort of in
the middle of something. Oh, okay. Yeah,
that's okay. Have a seat.
You can't do that. Maybe I should go.
Just sit down. We're winning.
Okay. You know what? Maybe I should go.
No, no, no. Have a seat. You have a
seat. Rachel. Rachel, you haven't
touched Elon's hair. It's the softest
hair. Touch it. I'm good. Rachel.
Patrick is really rich. Give her some
money.
You know what, Phoebe? This isn't really
worth the free massage. That's right,
Patrick. Bye-bye. No, Elena is much more
cooperative and he can dance. You dance
for Rachel.
No, no, no. Don't dance for me. Please
don't. What's the matter with you guys?
Yeah. Okay, let's talk it out. I
Am I the only one that this is
embarrassing for? I'm a little
embarrassed. Sh.
[Applause]
Good
evening. I am Mr.
Tribani and I will be teaching acting
for soap operas. Now,
um, on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramore
on Days of Our Lives,
uh, I learned that one of the most
important things in soap opera acting is
reacting. This does not mean acting
again. It means you don't have a line,
but someone else just did. And it goes
something like this.
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Oh, by the
way, before I forget, to work in soap
operas, some of you are going to have to
become much more attractive.
All right, moving right along. Okay,
when you're playing a machine and it
hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you
to give up and then kills you.
No, they swoop in and steal your
jackpot.
Oh. Mhm. How do you know about this? My
nana used to do it. Mhm. That's how she
paid for all my dance karate lessons.
Dance karate? Yes. It's a deadly but
beautiful sport.
Something your kiss just told
me. My soul died.
Oh well. Lost again.
That's it. You and me outside.
I don't want to see you lose a chunk of
that pretty blonde hair.
It'll be fun.
What was that? Hi. Um, I just thought
that it would be fun if the three of us
had some beers and got to know each
other. Yeah. All right, that sounds all
right. Oh, good. Okay. Oh, no. I have to
go because I'm late for my um Green Eggs
and Ham discussion
group. Um, tonight it's why he would not
eat them on a train.
Have fun. Bye. That was so lame. I know.
Yeah.
Okay. Talk to him.
So, you uh you think that speed racer
guy gets a lot of tickets
or That's good. That's good. So, so who
broke up with who? What? Are you
kidding? I broke up with her. She
actually thought that Shan Penn was the
capital of Cambodia.
That's good, man. When everybody knows
that the uh the capital of Cambodia is
uh Well, it's not Sean not. Guys, I'm
telling you, when she runs, she looks
like a cross between Kermit the Frog and
the $6 million man.
Monica had such a crush on him that she
used to kiss his poster every night
before she went to bed. Oh, I used to do
that, too. Did you also have his album?
It's not easy being green.
Oh, so Phoebe runs weird, huh? Yeah.
Yeah. You know what? And and I know
she's going to want to run again. I just
don't I don't know how to get out of it.
I mean, I live with her. Why don't you
just be straight with her? Tell her the
truth. You're right. You're right. I
should just tell her the truth. Hey.
Hey. Hey, babe. Monica tripped me. I
don't think I can ever run again. Ever
Why? Why would you do that? I don't
know.
I'm I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles.
Ankle. We'll see. Ever have to fire
anyone?
Nina.
Nina.
Nina. Nina.
Are you okay?
Yes. Yes, I am. Uh, listen, the reason
that I called you in here today was
uh please don't hate me.
What?
Would you like to have dinner sometime?
[Music]
And that's the Chrysler building right
there.
Nina, Mr.
Douglas. Cool. Tie.
She's still here. Yes. Yes, she is.
Phoebe, I completely understand. Yeah,
whatever you need.
Hey, you want to go home? Okay, thanks.
Sorry
[Laughter]
again. What was that?
[Applause]
Uh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear
now.
Hey. Hey, thieves. Oh, hey. How's the
dog? Okay. I talked to the vet. People
are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said
that the little fella is going to be
okay and I can pick him up tomorrow. Oh,
good. Thank God. Yeah. But he did have
to have like a bunch of stitches and he
said that only once in a blue moon does
a dog's ear grow back. So, what is your
situation?
Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't
actually have a boyfriend, but um And
can I have your number?
I'm sorry. No. Okay.
Oh, sure.
Oh my god. You're giving your real
number.
Okay. Thanks. I'll give you a call later
tonight. Great. Bye. Bye.
Wow. So, that's great.
You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to
be so happy together.
What were you thinking? I don't know. He
was cute and he liked me. It was an
impulse. But what about Ross? What about
your moment? Don't you want to talk to
Ross about it? No. No. Cuz I know
exactly how the conversation's going to
go. Hey, Ross. You know, I think we had
a moment before. Yeah. Me,
too. Well, but I'm not sure I really
want to do anything about it. Yeah. Me
neither. All right, Monica, dear. I'm
going to hit the road now. I've left my
10 verbs on the table, and you be sure
and send me that finished poem. Okay,
we'll do. I'm so glad you came. I think
I saw Rachel out in the hall. Okay, let
me go check. Oh, all right.
Your mom wants to say goodbye. Oh, okay.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
Okay. Uh, you drive safe. Okay, boss.
What are you doing?
I'm getting ready for the water
skiing. Big hug. One more. Big hug. Come
on, baby.
How are you?
Uh, Dr. Pink, where you going to get my
coat?
All right. All right. I can get my own
coat.
Sorry, we're on a major fla high.
Hey, please tell me you got the message.
What message? The actor playing Mac
couldn't do it. They needed to see you
at 2:00. What? It's 6:00.
I wrote I wrote it on the board. I wrote
it on the board and then I went all over
New York City looking for you. I went to
Ross's. I went to the coffee house. I
went to any place that they make
sandwiches.
I can't believe this, Chandler. Sorry. I
I I don't know what to say. Well, you
you might say,
"Congratulations. I saw the board. I
went to the audition. I got the board."
Is that supposed to be funny? I was
really worried over here. Oh, well, you
know, sometimes that fake out thing is
just mean. Oh, wow. Okay, man. I'm
sorry. I did not mean to make you feel
bad. Well, that's good because you
didn't. And I'm incredibly happy for
you.
That's mean.
You really had me going there. We could
do this all day. Yeah, you're right.
Yeah. I I know we've only gone out like
twice, but I don't know. I have a really
good feeling about her. Oh, I hear
divorce bills.
All right, just give me your wallets and
there won't be a problem. What? I have a
gun. Okay, just just relax, Phoebe. Just
stay calm.
Oh my god, I can't find my wallet.
All right, lady. Now, give me your
purse. No. What do you mean no? I knew
you'd be my death. Phoebe Buffet.
LOL. Is that you? Phoebe? Oh my god. Oh
my god.
I'm sorry, Ross. This is my old friend
LOL from the streets.
LOL. Ross. Ross. It's nice to meet you.
A real pleasure.
It's been so long. Oh, so long. I can't
believe you're still doing this. Ah, I
know. But I quit smoking. Good for you.
You have Nick's tickets? Yeah, my mom
got my dad's season tickets in the
divorce, so she just gave them to me.
Yeah, apparently they're they're pretty
good seats. Oh my god, those are almost
right on the floor. Do you guys want
these? Yeah, we do.
Oh, well, you got him. All right, just
give us our apartment back.
Oh, I didn't see that coming.
Are you serious? Oh, come on. We know
what these are worth. What? Do you think
we're stupid? Not stupid. You're meaner
than I thought.
What do you say? Forget it. Okay. Hey,
I'm not giving up my bachelor pad for
some basketball seats. Your bachelor
pad? Have you even had a girl up here?
No, but uh Joey has and I usually talk
to them in the morning time.
Yeah, you do.
[Music]
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