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ADULT SHELDON:
Like Superman in a phone booth,
I was no stranger to undressing
in my gym locker.
But not today.
Thanks to Tommy,
I was invincible.
(whistle blows)
All right, get your butts
out to the gym.
Wind sprints in one minute.
(whistle blows)
Come on, Jason,
I'm gonna be late.
Poor baby.
(Jason chuckles)
Excuse me.
I'd like to ask you
some questions
about your use of intimidation
to dominate others.
Are you trying
to get your ass kicked?
No, I was just looking to open
a spirited dialogue.
And you might want to unhand me.
I'm friends with Tommy Clarkson.
Is that so?
Yes.
Hello, Tommy.
I have some unfortunate news.
What's that?
I boasted
to Jason Davies
that you're my friend,
and things took
an unexpected turn.
You're scheduled to
fight him at 3:00 p.m.
on the basketball court.
I don't want
to fight Jason Davies.
I don't think you have a choice.
He was pretty adamant.
Fine, I'll deal with it.
You do have the option
of simply not showing up.
That's not
how fights work, Sheldon.
Why? Do they take attendance?
(clock ticking)
TAM: Look at this, my
mother left me a note.
"You can do better. Mom."
Not "Love, Mom,"
not "XO, Mom,"
just "Mom."
ADULT SHELDON:
While Tam prattled on
about some family nonsense,
I couldn't help
but think about Tommy.
At 3:00 pm, he was going to
engage in a schoolyard battle
that was entirely my fault.
I had to find a way
to intervene, but how?
TAM:
Ooh, a Nutter Butter.
Maybe she does love me.
(school bell rings)
(crowd cheering)
BOY: Face-punching time!
Jason, let's do it!
(chanting):
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
(Jason growls)
Come on, Jason. Kick his ass.
ADULT SHELDON:
I didn't have
the physical stature to assist
Tommy in a brawl,
but I did have something
far more lethal:
my once in a generation brain.
(students chanting):
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
(chanting continues)
(cheering)
I didn't think you'd show up.
Well, I did.
Let's do this.
SHELDON:
Stop!
You're not fighting Tommy,
you're fighting me.
(laughter)
Oh, boy.
Unless you want to shake hands
and we all laugh about this
over a glass of milk.
I think I'd rather kick
both your asses.
I was afraid you'd say that.
Are you familiar with the story
of David and Goliath
from the Bible?
Yeah.
That's too bad.
I had a nice speech prepared.
I'll say it anyway.
You may have
the size advantage,
but like David and his sling,
I also possess an
air-based weapon.
So I'll give you
one more chance.
Are you willing to step down?
(students exclaiming)
I'll tell you what:
you take the first shot,
then it's my turn.
Very well.
(rubber creaking)
Three...
...two...
...one.
Ow! Son of a bitch!
(laughter, cheering)
(growls)
I'm going to run.
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