By
Viewed
17,115
Please choose the correct answer for each question below:
Questions: 0/553
Correct: 0
Translate:
No.
>> Run.
>> What are you doing here?
>> Running away from my problems.
>> Come on in.
>> Okay, so here's what's going on.
>> On Friday, I'm supposed to announce that
I'm running for city council. And I
haven't told Ben yet. I know I said that
we broke up, but we couldn't. We're
still dating. But now I have to break up
with him for real. But I don't want to
break up with him cuz he's so cute. He's
so nice.
>> If you're going to stay here, there are
three rules you need to follow. One, no
talk about Tammy. One. Two, no talk
about Ben. Three, no talk.
>> I didn't even ask you last night. What
is going on with Tammy 1.
>> You just violated rules number one and
three. You lose your coffee privileges.
>> You choose. Nope. Hunting, fishing, or
drinking?
>> I'd really love to shoot a gun right
now.
>> Fishing it is.
So, running for office
now. I'm going to have to find a
replacement for you.
>> I might not win.
>> You'll win.
>> I might not run.
>> You should.
>> What's our plan here? Nope.
>> I figure we build a fire, roast the fish
we shot, and uh make s'mores.
>> I don't have the material for s'mores.
>> I do. I always carry emergency s'more
rations in my car. Given your hunting
abilities and my chocolate supply, I
figure we could stay up here for two,
three years.
You know, when I was 12, my brother shot
me in the pinky toe with a nail gun.
Granted, it was a hilarious prank, and
we all had a good laugh.
>> That's awful.
>> But I avoided going to the doctor. I
hate paperwork.
After a few weeks, the toe just kind of
fell off.
>> You only have nine toes.
>> I have the toes I have. Let's just leave
it at that.
>> The point is, the doctor said if I had
come in right away, they might have
saved the toe.
You can't run away from your problems.
>> Especially if you only have nine toes.
>> Sorry, that was uncalled for.
>> I'm Ron Swanson and you're Leslie. Nope.
You with me?
[snorts]
>> This is a great idea. Fresh air, no
screens. I'm getting really good at
chopping wood, too.
>> You're a regular Paul Bunan.
>> Ow, I got stung by the wood. Oh no, it's
a splinter. I need to get on WebMD now.
I need an iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy.
Something with 4G. There's no time for
the edge network. What are you doing?
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ah,
>> got it.
>> I still think we should find a computer
and Google sterilization techniques.
>> Yeah, I have a new idea. You need to
purge all of this garbage from your
system. Talk about all the things you do
on those screens and let the words just
float away into the fresh air and then
we will be done.
>> Okay, worth a shot. Every day I start by
hitting up Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr,
and Instagram. Sometimes I like to throw
in LinkedIn for the professional
shouties.
>> See, that was easy.
>> Then I like to go on Reddit. Reddit's
great because it has all the important
links you need. Wikipedia, mankind's
greatest invention. You can learn about
anything. Take Ray J for example. We all
know he's a singer. He's Bry's brother
and he was in that classic sex tape with
Kim Kardashian. But did you also know
he's Snoop Dogg's cousin and he was in
the 96 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks?
Suddenly you're on the Mars Attacks
page. I love Ghat. You can talk to
anybody. I hit up Brad. Pit wasn't the
actor. It's actually a guy named Brad
that's a teacher in Pittsburgh.
We don't have a lot in common, but we
chat quite a bit. Emoji are little
cartoons you text instead of words.
Instead of saying what up boo, you can
type what up and then a cute little
ghost cuz that means boo. There's even a
little Indian guy, but he has a turban
on which I think is racist. But the
Asian guy also has a racist hat on. And
it's like, hold up. Didn't Japanese
people invent this? Podcasts. There are
a million of them and they're all
amazing. John Rafio and I have one
called Nacho Average Podcast where we
rate different kinds of nachos.
>> Okay, that's enough. No more talking.
>> But you told me to get it all out of my
system.
>> I had no idea how much you had in your
system. This is a real problem, Tom. You
are an addict and you need to change.
>> I've downloaded every episode of
Intervention.
I know what to do here.
>> You're right. I am an addict. I've hurt
all my friends and family with my
addiction. I will accept this gift of
rehabilitation.
>> I'm proud of you, but also a bit fearful
that we're verging on what I call
feelings territory.
So, let's stare at the fire in silence.
>> I've had a breakthrough, Ron. What do
you say you chop up some more wood and
I'll take your car and go grab us some
victory stakes.
>> Perfect.
A deer jumped in front of the car. And
then a bear jumped in front of the deer.
Tommy Edetomame is back on the grid.
Tell everyone to light me up with their
digies. Got to load them into my burner.
>> Yes, I went to Best Buy and bought a
phone.
>> Out of the car now.
>> Where are we going, Ron? Are we walking
to Best Buy to get a better phone?
>> What's the story, Ron? Diane making you
sell this place?
>> Not at all. Recently, I purchased a new
cabin big enough for the whole family. I
just can't justify owning four cabins.
two cabins. The new cabin I bought has a
great tire swing for the girls, access
to a lake for all the kids to play in.
Plus, it doesn't have these razor sharp
perimeter defense planks sticking out of
the ground.
>> I usually get 5% commission, but I'll do
it for three. Friends and family
discount.
>> Make it five. I don't want you getting
any ideas about us being friends.
>> Respect,
>> Donna. Maybe for the fireplace, I'm
thinking fake antlers. But what kind of
scars would we want to hang out the fake
antlers? Oh, duh. No shade.
>> Most staff. That'll look legit next to
those antique visit France posters.
>> Ron, you want to stay outside and do
nothing while they make your cabin look
like garbage?
>> I'd like that very much. We can watch
the shadows get longer.
>> Okay,
>> these people won't leave. One guy even
looked in the bathroom.
>> Yeah, that means they like the place. If
you just leave them alone, I think we
might get some offers.
>> This evergreen scented candle should
help for people in the mood to buy.
>> You could just open the door and let the
actual smell of the pines in.
>> Trees are sticky and they got bugs in
them.
>> This place is so random.
>> I don't know. It's kind of like in the
middle of nowhere.
>> I know. That's like the hilarious part.
It's like a joke how long it takes to
get here. It's like a meta cabin.
>> Oh yes.
>> That's what I said. Yeah,
>> I heard that Dave Edgars wrote a short
story about this tape cassette that he
found under that tree over there.
>> Oh my god.
>> What are you doing?
>> Trying to get these annoying dumb dums
to pay more money for your cabin.
>> Carry on.
>> Oh my god. I heard that Nico Case and
Ben Gard made out here once.
>> What?
>> No, thank you. I will let him know. That
was that couple you liked at the open
house.
>> I despised them.
>> Well, they just came back with a new
offer. And jack that shiz up. Way over
asking price. Ron, who cares who they
are? That's a massive bid. I don't be a
mogul.
>> I bought that cabin 18 years ago for
$2,200. I do not care about the money.
>> I can't even understand what you're
saying right now.
>> That cabin served an important purpose
for me as a quiet refuge from the
nonsense of modern life. I'd like the
next owners to understand and share that
purpose. Find me someone like that and
I'll happily sell.
>> I'll buy it.
>> You can't afford that house. Can you
afford that house?
>> What would you use it for? I'd go up
there and take Andy and Champion and
just get away from everyone else and
look at spiders. And it's where I'd bury
the bodies of that annoying couple after
I murder them. Here's my offer. I will
give you everything in my purse. Um, $8,
a bunch of loose cough drops, and
Larry's asthma inhaler.
>> Thank God. I've been looking for that.
>> Larry, this is part of a real estate
transaction now. You have no legal claim
to it.
>> Sorry, I had no idea.
This is the best offer I've heard yet.
>> Uh, you tripping right now.
>> Sold.
>> Don't even trip.
>> Your commission.
>> Thanks a lot.
>> You're a sher mogul.
>> Ron PD Combmes. I have to admit this
place is pretty tight. May interest
anyone in some chew.
>> Nice touch. Hford.
>> Let me get some of that.
>> You sure?
>> Yeah. I would not have pegged you as a
user of mouth tobacco.
>> I'm full of surprises, Ron.
>> Oh man, my stomach's a little upset.
Feel a little queasy.
>> Yeah, that might be the chew. You could
spit it out.
>> I swallowed it. You're supposed to
swallow it, right?
>> No.
All right.
>> Poor little buddy. Why they call it chew
and not swallow? Am I right, R?
>> Yes, you are right.
>> All right, safety basics. Donna, can you
tell me why it's bad to look down the
barrel of your gun?
>> Is that a trick question?
>> No, Donna, don't. Please.
>> Rule number one, do not point the weapon
at a person. That includes your own
face, Donna. Now, every year before we
go on our first hunt, we do a toast. So,
grab a beer.
To the hunt
>> here. Here.
>> And to the hunters.
The only way to defeat the beast is to
find the beast within.
>> Pretty good.
>> Right on. Cheers.
>> Ron, your toes sucked.
>> The traditional toast is to the hunt.
And it is said by me.
>> You surprised that my breasts didn't
throw my aim off?
>> Leslie, please. I don't care that you're
a girl. I just don't like change. I like
going to the same place with the same
people, telling the same stories, and
seeing who can bag the most turkeys.
>> Well, it seems like you like to go
hunting with the same people cuz you
know you can beat them.
>> 100 bucks says I bag more birds than
you.
>> You're on. Let's split up. I do it
better alone.
>> Yeah, you do. See, just one of the guys.
>> Your favorite kind of cake can't be
birthday cake. That's like saying your
favorite kind of cereal is breakfast
cereal. H I love breakfast cereal.
>> Look, some kind of bird. Let's kill it.
You talking to me,
>> What were you waving at?
>> Nothing.
>> This is such a great day. See, at my
house, I got a wife and three beautiful
daughters. This trip, it is the one time
a year I get to pee standing up.
I love that sound.
>> I've been shot.
>> I've been shot.
SOMEBODY SHOT ME IN THE HEAD.
[groaning]
[sighs]
>> BULA. BULA.
>> Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. All
right. Yeah. R, I get your hat. R, I
have your hat.
>> Are you in a lot of pain?
>> I was shot in the HEAD WITH A SHOTGUN.
>> RON, it's actually not that serious. I
just need you to stay calm. Okay.
[snorts]
>> Yeah. I'm I'm just going to stay angry.
I find that relaxes me.
>> Okay, Ron. We called 911 and they're
going to send a ranger.
>> Oh, damn. This is a mess. The rangers
won't let us come back next year.
>> You know what? We're not going to think
about that right now. You guys, can you
just put him on the dayb bed in the
carcass room?
>> Daybed?
>> Yeah.
>> Sure.
>> Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Donna.
>> Donna.
>> Donna.
[gasps]
[sighs and panting]
>> ARE YOU OKAY? [screaming]
WHAT IS IT? YOUR HEART? ARE YOU HAVING
TROUBLE BREATHING?
>> OKAY, here's your scotch.
>> Okay, Jerry. Jerry's here. Here's your
scotch, Ron. There we go, Ron. Okay.
Hey, you know what is great? Ann's going
to take care of you. And Ann is the best
nurse in North America. All right. Here
you go.
[groaning]
>> What? You okay?
>> Did you Did you shoot me?
>> What? No.
>> There was a bird kind of near me. And I
know how desperate you were to prove
yourself.
>> No. No. I swear I didn't. Ron, I swear
to God, I've never shot anyone.
>> Well, you better find out who it was and
then purchase them a coffin because I'm
going to rip them apart.
Okay.
Listen,
I heard about the accident and I need to
know who is responsible.
>> I don't know. That's the problem.
>> I am.
>> I shot Ron Swanson.
>> YOU SHOT MY MERCEDES?
>> WHAT?
>> NO. NO.
>> I made this Tammy deprogramming kit in
case I ever fell victim to her again.
First, this is a chastity belt that I
made by hand. It might be a couple sizes
too big for you, but you can just pat
it. The first step is to cut out all
sex.
>> That won't be necessary. We haven't done
the deed yet. She lets me rub up against
her legs sometimes.
>> Well, all the more reason to wear it.
She knows she has that card left to
play, and you best believe she will.
>> We're also going to try a Pavlovian
technique. Ron is holding Tammy's
perfume. Girth.
>> Smells good. Oh,
>> again.
>> TAMMY, NO. HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE GOING
TO DO THIS? UNTIL THE BOTTLE is empty
again. TWICE.
[screaming]
>> It's going well so far, but it's too
early to tell.
>> He was pretty far gone.
>> Okay, we're going to do some scenes and
demonstrate ways that you can resist
Tammy. I will play Tammy. Ron will play
you.
>> Hey there, horsey. Time to mount up and
ride on into Boner Town. What do you say
we get stanky in that pet store
bathroom? Huh? Jam. Huh?
>> Do it.
>> Huh?
>> There will be no sex today, Tammy.
>> Oh.
>> Instead, why don't you go into the pet
store and feed yourself to the snakes?
To hell with you, woman. Goodbye.
>> Hey, you big hunk of wiener meat. I've
got 40 hand towels, some energy bars,
and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get
gross.
>> This gambit has failed. To hell with
you, woman. Goodbye. What are you
wearing?
>> It's a crotch blinder of my own design.
In this scenario, she will be coming at
you pantsless.
>> Okay, doors are locked. Window is
secured. There is no way Tammy's getting
in here.
>> Damn. Strip down, you sex maggot.
>> And hold. What was your mistake? You
didn't check the armwire. Tammy once
camped out in my attic for six days
awaiting my arrival. She survived on
rats and rainwater. Let's run it again.
>> Okay, everyone, look in your folders.
You will find information about Founders
Week. And before we start brainstorming,
I just want to thank Ron for lending us
his cabin.
>> Lending makes it sound like I had a
choice in the matter. I never should
have agreed to this or let you know that
I have a cabin or gotten to know any of
you.
>> That's a spirit. Founders Week is a
yearly celebration of all things Pawnee.
We've got a pie eating contest, a giant
petting zoo, and the granddaddy of them
all, the Founders Week parade. I don't
want to overhype it, but our parade
makes the Rose Ball Parade look like a
turds on wheels convention. Let's do an
exercise. April, what makes Pawne the
best city in the world?
>> Easy. Most murderers per capita. The
guillotine was invented here. City Hall
is run by the Walrus Mafia.
>> Donna, help me out. What makes Pawnie so
great?
>> Cost of living is cheap. In about 3
years, I will have saved enough to pay
off my condo in Seattle.
>> You have a condo in Seattle?
>> Yes, I like the rain and the fish
markets.
>> Guys, we need to focus. I want this to
be the best founders week ever. Okay, no
more distractions.
>> I'm bored.
Duh. Let's go have sex in a tree. He'll
be back in 8 minutes.
>> Why did you have to bring her here?
>> I don't really have any power in this
relationship. I'll think of ideas in the
tree.
>> Anyone's welcome to join us in the tree.
>> Really?
>> Okay. Thank you. Bye.
>> You okay?
>> Yeah, I'm fine.
>> Good morning, colleagues, co-workers,
friends. Everyone feeling normal
>> today? Here's what happened. I left my
sweatshirt at Ron's cab, and when I went
back to get it, I found this in the
trash. Positive pregnancy test. Side
note, I accidentally threw my sweatshirt
away. That's why I was digging through
the trash. Found that, too. Pretty cool.
So, if my science is correct, one of the
five women who are at the cabin, Leslie,
Donna, an Mona Lisa, or April, is
pregnant. Can't be April. She would have
told me. That leaves four suspects.
There's only one man for this job. Bert
Mlin,
FBI. They said I was retired. They said
I was too dangerous for the Pawne Police
Department. Turns out they were right
and wrong. Mlin,
you son of A
YOU failing it.
[laughter]
Wow, you suck at this.
>> Donna, please back up two paces so I can
physically destroy this machine.
>> Can you chill a little man? It's not
real hunting. It's just a game
>> that you happen to suck at.
>> You know what? That's a good point.
>> What? that you suck at this.
>> That it's not real hunting. Come with
me.
>> Hunting. No quarters required.
Hang on. Do you have a license to hunt
at night? Cuz you need a license.
[laughter]
I thought you were serious.
>> Come on now. You know I don't give a
fresh air, real weapons, an honest kill.
There is no substitute for the real
thing.
>> You want to go back and play that video
game, don't you?
>> Yes. Damn it.
>> Excuse me, worker. Bring me a bucket of
beers and four hot dogs, please and
thank you.
>> Why are you covered in blood?
>> Don't worry, it's not human.
>> I hope you've made peace with your god,
small electronic deer.
>> Get it?
>> Oh, come on. Come on. Come on.
>> Now that's what I call shooting.
>> That's a new record.
>> Hey, look at that. You finally made it
in the top 10. Now you can enter your
initials.
>> My initials are private. Well, then just
put in any three letters.
>> Ass. [laughter]
[music]
Related Songs