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Jim,
>> what's up, buddy?
>> This is not funny. Why is my stuff in
here?
>> Wow, that's weird. Dollar for a stapler.
That's pretty good.
>> Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own
stuff. Okay, I know you did this cuz
you're friends with the vending machine
guy.
>> Oh, Steve.
>> Yeah, Steve.
>> What do you want? What do I want?
>> Ooh, pencil cup.
>> Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil
cup.
>> Um, I don't think so. I just bought it.
>> Uh, I think so. And you're going to hand
it over to me? I love these.
>> Okay, fine.
My wallet.
>> Oh, there it is. J1
>> here. You know,
>> I don't have any nickels.
Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little
tip for your performance review. Tell
Michael that we should be stocking more
of the double tabbed manila file
folders.
>> We don't have double tab manila file.
>> Oh, yes we do. Yeah, it's a new product.
So, you should just suggest that to him
and then he'll be sure to give you a
raise.
>> All right.
Well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm
going to actually be asking for a pay
decrease.
>> Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives
it to you?
>> I win.
>> You know what? I am going to zone you
out for the rest of today. Okay. Okay, I
need to stay focused and I don't have to
see you tomorrow or Sunday and please
don't call me and we'll see how things
go on Monday.
Stupid.
Wait, wait. One thing. Um, but tomorrow
you mean Saturday, right?
>> Uh, duh.
>> Duh.
>> Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks
that it's Friday.
And that's what I'll be working on this
afternoon.
Michael and Jan definitely made out. Oh,
>> maybe more.
>> Oh, also it is Thursday, but Dwight
thinks it's Friday, so we'll keep that
going.
>> Yay.
>> This is Jim. It is about 11:15. And I
wanted to know what you were up to
tomorrow, which is the 15th, and that is
a
>> Saturday.
>> Saturday. So, just let me know what
you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for
lunch. Okay. Talk to you soon.
>> Hey, Jim.
>> Hey. How's it going?
>> Oh my god. Did you see The Apprentice
last night?
>> Of course. It's on every Thursday night,
so how can I miss it?
>> Can you believe who Trump fired?
>> No. That was unbelievable.
>> Who?
>> Who was it? Who did he fire?
>> You didn't see it?
>> No. I went out and got drunk with my
laser tag team last night.
>> Crap. Never go out on a Thursday night.
What the hell was I thinking?
Hey, it's 12:20. Where the hell's
Dwight?
>> Um, no idea.
>> Never missed a day in my ass.
I'm here. I'm here.
I'm here. It's okay.
>> Susan,
>> what would you say if I told you we
could pull a prank on Dwight at the same
time not be working
>> today? I'm prepared to give you 15%.
>> He's going through a breakup.
>> Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also
being super annoying. And I'm not a
perfect person.
FREE
IN YOUR FACE MACHINES.
>> What kind of prank are you thinking?
>> What if I told you I could offer free
shipping? Sure, I'll hold.
Not sure. Just became self-aware.
So much to figure out. I think I am
programmed to be your enemy. I think it
is my job to destroy you when it comes
to selling paper.
Perfect. So, let me just get some basic
information from you.
>> Mhm.
I'm sorry. Um, so sorry. Uh, yes. Uh,
could you repeat that?
>> Okay. Greatest strength.
>> Okay.
>> A doglike obedience to authority.
>> Nice.
>> That doesn't sound good.
>> Okay. Okay. Um, how about the ultimate
team player?
>> Dwight is special, but I don't believe
that his talents are being used in this
office. So Pam and I have put his resume
on Monster.com, Google, Craigslist.
We're really interested most in jobs
that take Dwight out of state. Um,
preferably Alaska or India.
>> He's a gun nut.
>> Sticks to his guns.
Cumberland Mills.
And how did you get my resume?
Oh, no. No. I'm very flattered. Don't
get me wrong. I'm just not sure that
it's my official resume or if it's
something that maybe a satisfied
customer posted online.
What does it say under martial arts
training?
Oh, okay. I'm going to have to
supplement that. Could I have your fax
number?
>> Hey.
>> Oh, uh Pam, can I see you in here for a
second? It's uh important. So,
>> okay.
What?
>> What is this?
>> I found Dwight's wallet in the parking
lot.
>> Oh my god. What are we going to do?
>> I don't know. I don't know. I don't know
what the best play is. Uh, do we tear
everything up or do we
buy a horse on the internet? I mean, I
don't know what to do. What do you
think?
>> I know. I I know what to do.
>> Okay. What?
>> Okay. Put everything back exactly how
you found it.
>> Okay.
>> Hey, Dwight. Jim and I found your wallet
in the parking lot.
>> What did you do to it?
>> Nothing.
>> I'm serious. What did you do to it?
>> Dwight, I swear we didn't do anything.
Nice try.
Cancel card.
Cancel
card.
Cancel
card.
>> I could always kind of win over that.
>> Oh, really?
Mhm.
>> Yeah.
>> How would you do that?
>> Mind control.
>> You can't be serious.
>> That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh,
why don't you move that coat rack?
Excuse me, everyone. Attention in the
office, please. Jim is about to prove
his telekinetic powers, and he needs
absolute silence. Go ahead.
>> Okay, I'll try.
Oh my god.
It has been brought to my attention that
some of you are unhappy with my plan.
So, what I'd like you to do is to fill
this out and write down any diseases you
have that you might want covered. And
let's see what I can do.
>> Okay. You know what, Dwight? We can't
write our diseases down for you because
that's confidential.
>> Okay. Well, I didn't say to write your
name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it
anonymous, or don't write any disease
down at all, and it won't be covered.
Sound fair? Good. All right. I'll be in
my office.
>> Workspace.
Wait, what are you writing? Don't write
Ebola or mad cow disease. All right.
>> Cuz I'm suffering from both. [laughter]
>> I'm inventing new diseases.
>> Oh, great.
>> So, like, let's say that my teeth turned
to liquid
>> and then they drip down the back of my
throat. What you call that?
>> I thought you said you were inventing
diseases. That's spontaneous dental
hydroplosion.
>> Nice.
>> Thank you.
All right. Who did this?
>> I'm not mad. I just want to know who did
it so I can punish them.
>> What are you talking about?
>> Uh, someone uh forged medical
information and that is a felony.
>> Okay. Whoa. All right. Cuz that's a
pretty intense accusation. How do you
know that they're fake? Uh, leprosy,
flesh eating bacteria,
hot dog fingers,
>> government created killer nanoobot
infection.
>> You did this, didn't you?
>> Absolutely not.
>> Yes, you did.
>> No, I didn't.
>> I know it was you. Okay, fine. You know
what? I'm going to have to interview
each and every one of you until the
perpetrator makes him or herself known.
And until that time, there will be no
healthcare coverage for anyone.
killer nano robot.
>> It's an epidemic.
>> What is dwight diabetes?
>> It's awful.
>> The problem, Jim,
>> Mhm.
>> is that people who are really suffering
from a medical condition won't receive
the care they need because someone in
this office is coming up with all this
ridiculous stuff.
Count chocolitis.
>> Sounds tough.
>> Why did you write that down, Jim?
Is it because you know I love Count
Choulcracula?
>> Do you?
>> I think you need to confess
>> the fact. Yep.
>> That What are you doing?
>> What?
>> Those are my keys.
>> Good luck.
>> Jim. Damn it. NO. JIM, LET ME OUT. JIM,
let
>> the light gray.
>> Jim Halpert.
>> Let me out.
>> Who is this?
>> Let me out or you're fired. No, you
can't fire me.
>> Yes, I can. I'm manager for the day.
Clean out your desk.
>> Okay. Can you hold on one second? I'm
getting the uh beep.
>> Jim Halbert.
>> Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
>> Hey, Pam. How are you,
>> Jim?
>> Good. How are you?
>> I'm doing okay. Getting excited for the
weekend, though.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. What are you up to?
>> Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
>> No, not at all.
>> You don't have anything you're doing?
>> I have nothing to do.
>> Oh, great.
>> Jim?
>> Um, yeah. No, this weekend, nothing. I'm
not really doing anything. might go to
the mall.
>> The mall?
>> I need new shoes.
>> Oh, interesting. What kind of shoes?
>> Stop it.
>> Stop what?
>> You're talking about me and Morse code.
You know what? Jokes on you, cuz I know
Morse code. Ha.
Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our
very limited free time and with our very
limited budget, we went and got a nanny
and then we went out and took a class on
a very outmoded and very unnecessary
form of communication just so we could
talk about you in front of you.
>> Yep. That's exactly what we did.
>> It all started when Dwight was tapping
his foot against the leg of his desk.
When I asked him to stop, he said, "I
will when you lose the baby weight."
>> Very well. I must have imagined it. I
apologize.
Detonator.
Detonator. Where? Michael.
>> Jim, are you clicking a detonator?
>> It's a pen.
>> Michael, come on.
>> Get back to work, Dwight. Please.
Fine.
Hey, tap away.
Okay, let's go. Ladies of Dunder
Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar
printed up. Pam, put that in my good
idea folder.
>> Let's go.
>> Are you finished with the sketch?
>> Yeah.
>> H doesn't seem like the type.
>> Uh, Phyllis got a good look.
>> I plan on plastering this pervert's face
everywhere.
You can run, but you cannot hide.
Dunder Muffin Paper/Sexpredator Hotline.
This is Dwight Fruit.
>> Hey, Dwight. It's Jim.
>> Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy.
>> No, you're not. I'm looking right at
you.
>> I'm hanging up.
>> Don't
I have information about this ex
predator?
>> You have information about this ex
predator?
>> I saw him two minutes ago.
>> Where?
>> In the women's bathroom above the sink.
Anti-
flashing task force.
Above the sink. Above the sink.
Pam.
Jim.
Um, hey, I need to give you your
Christmas gift now because um, well,
I'll just tell you
>> what.
>> For the past few months, I've been
sending Dwight letters from the CIA.
>> Are you serious?
>> They're considering him for a top secret
mission.
There's his application. And this is
where I made him list every secret he
promised he'd never ever tell.
>> Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took
a day off cuz he said he had pneumonia,
but really he was leaving early to go to
Magic Camp.
>> Wow.
>> So, here's the gift. You get to decide
what his top secret mission is.
>> Sorry I didn't grab it.
>> Light.
>> Night.
Oh, you know what? Sorry, I forgot to
tell you. I intercepted a transmission
earlier, and it seems that the CIA is
going to need to wipe it down in their
headquarters at Langley for training and
an ice cream social with the other
agents.
>> We should get him a bus ticket to make
his trip easier.
>> Oh, no. That would be very bad.
>> It cost $75.
Well, maybe the CIA could send a
helicopter.
You have been compromised. Abort
mission. Destroy phone.
Destroy phone.
Morning, Dwight.
Who are you?
Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working
together for 12 years. We're Jug Dwight.
>> You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian.
>> You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats
off to you for not seeing race.
All right, then. Jim, uh, why don't you
tell me about that sale that you made
yesterday?
>> Uh, Wellington Systems sold them 10
cases of 24 lb letter stock. Or were you
talking about Creger or Murphy? Because
I didn't close that one yet. But I'm
hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul
Creger waiting for me.
>> Please enter your password.
You have one new method.
>> How did you No, no, no, no. That is
sensitive information only for
employees, not outsiders.
>> Dwight, cut it out. I'm trying to work.
>> You don't work here. You're not Jim.
>> Jim, I got us that dinner reservation.
Greek go 7:30.
>> Oh, great. Can't wait.
>> Jim's at the dentist this morning, and
Steve is an actor friend of ours. I
don't know who you are, but you are not
Jim. This is Jim.
Oh, dude. Uh, how did
>> Hey, Jim.
>> Can I talk to you for a second?
>> Sure. What's up?
>> Um, I don't know. I'm just like going a
little crazy cuz I keep overhearing all
of these conversations
>> between Michael and corporate about like
staff issues.
>> Oh no.
>> Yeah. He's making me take notes on these
meetings and I'm like these people are
my friends. But he's all like this is
confidential. You can't tell anybody.
But
>> I don't know. I just feel like I want to
>> just promise me you're not going to say
anything.
>> I will not I'm not going to tell anybody
between you and me. Yeah,
>> jackpot.
That was beautiful. All her idea, too.
Awesome.
She's so great.
>> Okay, here's the deal. All right. Pam
says that one of the alliances is
meeting in the warehouse during
Meredith's birthday.
>> Oh my god. We have to be there.
>> I know, but it's going to be a little
tough because there's no good place to
hide.
>> No. No. Yes, there is. Behind the
shelves. Oh my god.
>> What? What? What?
>> I know. I know exactly what to do.
Great.
>> So, you want me to stay here and, you
know, stand next to the box or
>> No, you need to go upstairs to the party
so people don't notice that we're both
gone.
>> Right. That's good.
>> Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have
a choice? No. Frankly, I don't. Will I
trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim?
You tell me.
>> He's in a box. Look at him. He's in a
box. He's downstairs in a box on the
floor near the shelves. I'm serious. Go
down there and work your magic.
>> Is that somebody's?
>> Yeah. No, I'm saving this for Dwight.
>> Come on. Be a team player.
>> This clip.
>> Hey, where are you? Yeah, we were
supposed to meet here.
What?
Oh my gosh.
That ties in perfectly with something
that Michael was telling me earlier.
I just don't know what some of the
people in like accounting are going to
do. It said specifically that
>> I have something that totally tops the
box.
>> Oh, tell me. Tell me.
>> Okay. I have just convinced Dwight that
he needs to go to Stamford and spy on
our other branch. No, no, no. But before
he does so, I told him that he should
dye his hair to go undercover
if we can get him to drive to
Connecticut and put peroxide in his
hair.
>> What the hell is this? What are you
trying to cop a field or something?
>> No, dude. No, dude. No, dude. I was just
listen. Whoa.
>> God, I don't even I don't even know how
to explain this. Um uh Dwight asked me
to be in an alliance and then um um we
were we've just been messing with him uh
because of the whole alliance thing. Um
>> it's just office pranks.
>> It's stupid. It's just office pranks.
>> An alliance? What the hell is he talking
about?
>> I have absolutely no idea.
>> Come on.
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not
at all. That's the game. Convince him
we're in an alliance. Get some
information. Throw them to the wolves.
That's politics, baby. Get what you can
out of someone, then crush them. I think
Jim might have learned a very valuable
lesson.
>> What lesson was that?
>> He's not supposed to be in here.
>> [music]
[music]
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