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[Music]
the actor Harry Hawk was the only one on
the stage that night when he delivered a
line that was sure to get a
laugh during the laughter fellow actor
John Booth snuck into the theater box
and shot Abraham Lincoln in the back of
the
head the president was rushed across the
street to a private residence or he was
attended to throughout the night by
surgeons but despite their best efforts
he died early the next
morning words spread quickly as
newspapers confirm the rumors but as
always people just assumed they would
have to take the horrific news as
fact but something happened to Lincoln's
body that had never happened to a US
president
before he was embalmed it was the latest
thing from Europe popularized during the
Civil War when Dr Thomas Holmes embalmed
thousands of soldiers there on the
battlefield so they could be returned
home to their families to be seen and
touched and buried near their
relatives because of this Lincoln's body
was on display not only in Washington
but put on a train that took a 1600 M
Journey throughout the country stopping
in 13 major CI cities before being
placed in a
vault before embalming came to America
the dead were cared for primarily by
their own family members the women would
lay the body out on the dining table and
wash it and dress it in preparation for
the wake that would take place that
night in The Parlor of the family home
meanwhile the men would procure a coffin
from the local Furniture maker and
prepare the grave and the carriage for
the procession to the cemetery the next
morning friends would come and bring
with them flowers to help mask the odors
of death and they would remain there all
night you see for Millennia people
handled death by handling the
dead but as embalming became more
popular the modern society of the early
1900s felt that such unpleasant tasks
shouldn't be left to The
Grieving so furniture makers became
Undertakers Undertakers became embalmers
and embalmers opened funeral parlors so
that the private residents could replace
their parlors with the much more popular
living
rooms at the same time hospitals began
removing the sick from their bedrooms so
now both the dying and the dead were in
the hands of
strangers I knew as a teenager that I
wanted to be a
mortician a high School classmate of
mine once asked jokingly if I would
embalm her when she died of course I
will I
said but it was just 4 years later that
her body was laying on my embalming
table
unrecognizable from the ravages of
disease at the age of 22 I was staring
at my own
mortality she didn't have a viewing so
our peers who had lost touch only
remembered her as a healthy and happy
17-year-old and I had to Grapple with
her death just like they did but I was
fortunate by seeing her the way she was
and the effects the disease had had on
her body in her last days I could marry
in my mind two
realities that she had lived and she was
now
dead since that time I've buried my own
Scout leaders School teachers dear
friends friends children of friends and
my own
relatives but how privileged am I I got
to care for
them wash them fix their wounds and
dress them seeing them dead did not
diminish my memories of them when they
were alive rather it allowed me to view
their death with shy and
resolve a process which has given me I
believe the best opportunity for a
healthy grief
the poet Robert Hamilton once wrote I
walked a mile with pleasure she chatted
all the way but left me none the wiser
for all she had to
say I walked a mile with
sorrow a narrow word said she but oh the
things I learned from her when sorrow
walked with
me in my last two decades in the death
care industry I have seen funerals
become Memorial services where the guest
of honor was no longer
invited some people didn't want to view
the body because they would rather
remember it the way it
was but I wonder if sometimes
remembering them the way they were
Begins by avoiding the way they
are others didn't want to have the body
present because they feared it would
make the other guests feel
uncomfortable but funerals aren't meant
to be
comfortable and now Memorial Services
have become celebrations of
life but we already have celebrations of
life don't we birthdays Bar Mitzvah
kinas weddings and
anniversaries funerals aren't meant for
celebrating life they for facing
death a leading expert in grief
counseling Dr Alan wolfeld once said I
am deeply concerned that
individuals families and ultimately
society as a whole will suffer if we do
not reinvest ourselves in the funeral
ritual have you noticed that people
don't even die
anymore they pass on they cross to the
other side they enter into rest in fact
now you can even become
unived how many of you have had a
relative say to you that when they die
to just dig a hole and throw them in it
just have them cremated and put in a
coffee can they don't want the expense
they don't want people gawking at their
body they don't want a funeral
service those who desire that for
themselves may not realize that their
funeral is not necessarily about what
they want it's about what you as the
Survivor
needs I don't know if it was my industry
or society that came up with the concept
of closure
but either way it's a
myth the idea that the closing of the
casket or the filling in of the Grave or
the scattering of the cremated remains
somehow signifies that a book has been
closed and we can resume life as normal
it's really
unfair rather we have to learn to live
in a new world without that person and I
believe the first steps in doing that is
recognizing boldly and bravely that
they're really dead
I once sat with a family who was
grieving the loss of their son to
Suicide they knew from the coroners
reports that he wouldn't be viewable but
they really seem to be struggling with
the idea that it wasn't all just a
horrible
dream so I said to them I know you can't
view his face but what if you held his
hand I took them into a room where I had
covered his body with a quilt but left
his hand
exposed and I don't know what words they
said or emotions they felt after I left
but I do know that they were different
when they
exited some irrational burden they had
been carrying had been
lifted now the manner in which your
loved one dies may be beyond the
capability of the mortician to rectify
causing viewing to be difficult or even
impossible but you can ask your funeral
director to just sit in the room with
them they can be covered in crited with
their favorite
perfume ask for their clothing to be
returned to you even if it's been
damaged ask for a lock of hair or a
handprint because grief is what we all
feel on the inside when we experience a
significant
loss but mourning is the outward
expression of that
grief mourning is the outward expression
of
grief and the more we pretend that
nothing major is has happened or the
more euphemisms we use the more we rob
the morning of validation for what
they're
experiencing we've all heard
well-meaning friends say things like
well at least she's in a better place
now but when we're grieving we don't
want them in a different place even if
it's
better we want them here with
us others may try to remind you that
this too shall pass as though the loss
of life is equal to a kidney
stone which after some temporary
discomfort will be followed by
relief but the morning don't need our
uplifting they need our permission to
walk with
sorrow they need our presence our
Embrace and our
validation as I've been speaking to you
this afternoon you may fear that you've
lost an opportunity to properly mourn
somebody that you love but remember
there's no such thing as
closure so call up others who miss and
love that person and invite them to join
you but don't go for
drinks don't have or derves at the
Country Club don't hold an honorary
karaoke night it's time to take the fun
out of
funerals instead get together and
cry talk about the hard stuff share your
true feelings even if they don't seem
right and allow others to do the
same doing this might be a little
uncomfortable and it probably won't be
fun but I can promise you it will be
worth it
[Applause]
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