By
Viewed
96,818
Please choose the correct answer for each question below:
Questions: 0/1638
Correct: 0
Translate:
Sir, I'd like to talk to you about the
new task force you're on the hiring
committee for.
The Special Tactical Operations and
Auxiliary Strategic Response Citywide
Emergency Investigative Unit for
Emergency Operations. You know, I had a
hand in naming it.
And it's great. Although, you might want
to try shortening it, maybe using a cool
acronym.
So, the S T O SR C I UO. You're right.
That is cool.
Sure. Anyways, I know some of the best
cops in the city are going to be on that
task force, and I would appreciate it if
you consider me for it. Here's my
resume. And I thought it would be fun if
I wrapped it, but then I realized that
would be a terrible idea, so I just
wrote it down. Normally, it'll probably
rhyme a lot on accident. Try not to
focus on that.
Jake Peralta is age 39, but
professionally he's still in his prime.
If you ask me, he's New York's fine.
Ellipsy's estab.
Everyone's professional here.
Not the lyrics we discussed either.
Anyways, sir,
Halloween.
It's heist time.
Thought you'd get a head start on heist
prep. Good luck. I'm already dressed.
Well, I'm also dressed. And I made
breakfast.
Wait, where are my eggs?
In my belly.
Hello.
I followed all your rules. I'm unarmed.
I'm not wearing a wire.
I came alone. There's no backup.
Come on, man. I need your help to take
down your brother.
Doug, Judy, the Pontiac Bandit.
Hey, baby. Nice legs. Why you in your
boxes?
So you would know I'm not wearing a
wire. Your buddy Scott said I had to.
Oh, that makes sense. Scott's a perve.
Hey, Scott, wherever you watching from,
go home.
Sorry, man.
So, what's so important?
She's putting herself through nursing
school. And nurses are the best of our
society. Name one bad nurse.
Nurse Ratchet. Kathy Bates in Misery.
Nurse Jackie had a pill problem.
Okay. Damn. Got a lot of real good
examples off the top of your head. You
believe me, right, Jake?
I mean, the fact pattern's not great,
but Trudy did seem very nice when I met
her.
You trying to get your freak with my
sister?
What? No.
I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
I am not looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't
be snoody.
She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
And you're married.
Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.
I bought orange soda for you.
Okay, for the last time, Orangeina is
not orange soda.
Yeah, because it's better.
Okay, now you're just being crazy.
Hey, sorry I'm late. The coffee guy was
assaulting your head. What is going on
up there?
Is it bad?
Before I answer that question, do you
currently have a knife on you?
Yeah, several.
Then I love it. It really
is hair. It's bad. Rosa, you look like
Edna from The Incredibles. I'm sorry.
Don't stab me.
My girlfriend Jocelyn's been practicing
a bunch of different hairstyles on me.
She's in cosmetology school.
Is she passing?
Honestly, I don't know.
Okay, good. Cuz what I really wanted to
say is next Heist, I'm going to drown
you in your own blood.
Oh, yeah. Well, then I'm going to rip
your arms off and beat you to death with
them.
Oh, I'm going to slice your Achilles
tendons, peel off your fingernails, and
stick knitting needles in your eyes.
Oh, damn.
Raymond, you were right. These heists
are fun.
Oh my god. Pimento has Momento disease.
Your memor is resetting. It's like the
guy from the movie Momento. What? You
guys never saw Momento? It's a guy with
no short-term memory. You know,
Christopher Nolan's first movie.
Is it like Dory from Finding Dory? She
keeps forgetting where she's swimming.
No. No. It's like Dory. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm like the forgetful little
fish.
Well, I mean, yeah, it's like that, but
it's also like
just keep swimming.
That's what Dory said.
Classic Dory. Jake,
you guys really ruined the coolness of
this momento thing.
Also, Jake following is Christopher
Nolan's first movie. You sound like a
great Aole out here.
All right, ladies. I don't got a whole
lot of time here. So, what do you say we
make like Boil's mom and you debriefed
me?
It didn't happen. Nice to know. She
tells me everything.
Yeah, not everything, Chucky. She took
off my undies. Hey, Peralta. What is
that? This?
Yeah. Oh, nothing. Just opening check
case. It looks like a pretty fat file
for a dunker. What is it? Just some old
lady has a missing torso that we can't
find. Put in the major crimes pile.
What? We've already given them all of
our felonies. That's cuz I got a bet
going with the captain of the A4. See
whose squad can solve the most cases.
Winner gets to choose a tattoo for the
loser. Guess what? I'm getting him.
Calvin peeing on the Tasmanian devil.
No, it's supposed to be a bad tattoo.
Man, you're really stupid in the
morning, aren't you,
Captain? We all want you to win that
bet.
But do you think maybe we could keep a
few real cases?
Look, I'm going to make it real simple
for you. We only solve misdemeanor
wieners. Say it.
We only solve misdemeanor.
Wieners.
Congratulations. You just called
yourselves wieners.
Dismissed.
That was the most stressful thing I've
ever gone through. And I was wrongfully
imprisoned last year.
That was fun. Every aspect of owning a
food truck is fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. What
the hell do you want, Troy?
Just stole my spots. You son of a
Oh, go on. Get out of here. You're just
square. Give me a break. I should call
the cops.
Oh, you going to call the cops. I am the
cops. Why don't you go back to your
garbage truck and cook some pudding?
You're going to regret this. Kill
yourself, Troy.
Jake, I have a confession to make. The
food truck is kind of stressing me out.
D Roza Diaz, an amazing human/genius.
Rosa Diaz.
Well, you did it. But always remember
one thing. Those gems were in Scully's
butt.
How dare you?
I know. I'm happy for you. I guess. I
don't know.
Hold on. I have some math questions. If
Rosa has three wins, does Scully have
two? Am I now tied with Scully?
No, no, no. I'm tied with Scully. You're
tied with the filing cabinet.
The filing cabinet has more wins than
me.
Yeah, that's how it works.
As it should,
guys. Stop it. We're supposed to be
celebrating Rosa here, not fighting.
No, no, keep fighting. It's why I did
this. You know, technically, we all
shared in Jake's first win, so this
might be my fourth.
What? No.
No. It's a good point.
Oh, we also helped hold win, too.
Oh, shut up, Santiago. Just shut up.
Excuse me. Remember that? How dare you?
I wanted to
say that.
[Music]
Oh my god.
Rosa is wearing pink. Rosa's wearing
pink.
Are we sure it's not a white shirt
that's just been bloodied in a
motorcycle crash?
Well, maybe it wasn't her. Does she have
a twin sister?
If Rosa had a twin, she would have eaten
her in the womb.
Wait, hold it. Stop. How come none of
you teased her about it?
It's Rosa. She's scary.
You guys are unbelievable. I once wore
tie with a splash of purple. You guys
called me Mr. Grapes for 2 years.
Oh, Mr. Grapes. I forgot about Mr.
Grapes.
If I wore a pink shirt, you'd tear me to
shreds.
Well, yeah, but you'd look like a My
Little Pony with a gun.
Let me guess. Your theater club is
putting on Grease and you're playing a
pink lady.
Nice.
Good one.
What are you guys laughing at?
If Bole was wearing a pink shirt.
I get it. That's hilarious.
What's happening? Rose is the one
wearing pink
and
it's gorgeous. Wish I could pull that
off. Dream on. Strawberry shortcake.
Yeah, nice try, Mr. Grapes.
Mr. Grapes.
Mr. Grapes.
Mr. Grapes.
Okay, we're all set up in there, Mr.
Peralta. Just uh sign here.
What's all set up? What's going on?
Ah, thank you for asking, Terrence. You
see, the food in prison was inedible.
All I thought about day and night were
the things I wished I was eating. And
you, Amy, I thought about you a lot. Sex
with you, just us doing sex with
foreplay.
Great save, babe. Thanks. And so I
decided to make my food fantasy come
true. Unbutton your pants and take off
your shoes cuz there's going to be a
doink load of sodium at Freedom Feast
2017. We begin where all great stories
begin in the quaint little town of
French Fry Village. After that, we're
going to move our adventure over to
Cheeseburger Mountain, which consists,
you guessed it, of turkey burgers. I'm
kidding, it's cheeseburgers. This is
kind of just stuffing. You can avoid
that, but it's attached to the
Thanksgiving turkey theme. cuz I was
thinking about that a lot up in the
jail. And finally, we have a big old
Passover brisket cuz you know I loves my
mom. If you would all take a seat while
I make a toast.
Kindly raise your two liters.
To freedom, to you and most importantly
to orange drink and sex with Amy.
To sex with Amy.
Sorry, should have said that last part.
I found out where they're transferring
me and you know I'm feeling pretty good
about it.
Oh, somewhere nice upper west side.
No, even better.
Staten Island.
Good one, Luke. Where you really going?
Oh, I'm serious. Staten.
Wait, they're transferring you out of
New York.
It's part of the city.
Is it though?
Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got
parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up
and cominging restaurants. I mean, easy
access to New Jersey.
You're lying. You're right. Peek is
popping all over the place. We all know
that's your tell.
Of course, I'm lying. It's Staten
Island. Precinct is the one 122. How the
hell am I supposed to chant? One, two,
two, one, two, one, two, two. I sound
like a damn choo choo train.
Okay, great. I'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks, doctor. Have a good one.
Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I
couldn't help but over here you going to
the doctor. Everything okay?
I'm getting a vasectomy.
My ears are burning. Someone sayctomy.
I got snipped. No big deal. Just numbs
you out from trunk to skunk for a year.
It's not supposed to. Trunk to skunk.
Hold it up. You're going to let some
quack doctor just knife around down
there? You are blessed with a great
power and you should never snip its
wings. You should let it soar.
Thanks guys. That's enough. I don't need
any more input.
Neither does your wife, I guess.
Look, you guys, if the sergeant wants to
chop off his penis, that is his choice.
That's not what a vasectomy is. If you
guys don't get back to work, I'm going
to start firing detectives
and blanks. Sorry, I just never think of
jokes.
Anybody else? This is your last chance.
Oh god, no need to be so testy. Guess
you won't be manning the tip line.
Sergeant, is this going to go on your
sperm record?
Now playing scrotal recall
for you
and you and you.
What are these?
These, madam, are STDs.
What are you talking about, buddy?
STDs. Save the dates for Vivian and my
wedding.
Ah, yes. Hey, just out of curiosity, how
many people have you given STDs to?
Lots. Like a hundred.
What's going on?
Uh oh. Okay, I get it. STD has another
meaning. You're gross. No one else is
going to think that.
Everyone is going to think that. But
it's sweet that your mind didn't go
there.
Thank you. It is kind of sweet. Will
your first dance be to you give me
fever?
Will you be serving crabs at the
reception?
Do you have herpes?
Guys, this is my wedding. This is
important to me. No more jokes. You're
right. And we're sorry.
Yes,
we love you, buddy. Warts and all.
Sorry, I made a rash decision. I was
itching to say it. Okay, I'm done.
I have an STD.
So, just RSVP or Yeah, the numbers right
on there.
Great.
Diaz, congratulations on moving on to
the second round. said I sarcastically.
Oh, you're still in this. I knew a
uniformed officer had been eliminated. I
just couldn't remember which one.
Okay, we're both great at insults. Let's
move on. Tell me, why do you want to win
this game so badly?
Honestly,
I guess I still feel like my parents
don't accept my sexuality.
And winning this will let me prove to
myself that as long as I feel good about
who I am, that's all that matters.
That's a load of dung. You processed
that parent stuff a year ago. You're
right. We're going to drag brunch this
Sunday.
No. There's something private that is
fueling you. And when I find that
private fuel, I will extract it to use
as my private fuel in my private fuel
tank. Then I will have a full tank of
private fuel and you will have an empty
tank of private Rosa.
Thank you, Margaret.
You're welcome, Raymond.
Sheamus Murphy.
That's right. Remember how I saved your
detectives from prison in exchange for a
favor? The time has come.
Wait, this isn't my order.
What?
This is an omelette. I only eat the
omelets on vacation.
Yeah, I don't care what you eat. I'm
here to call in the favor that you owe
me.
Billy, what if I say no?
This is you asking me for intel and
promising to pay me back. How do you
think this would look to your bosses,
especially now that you're up for the
commissioner job?
Yeah, I know everything.
So, what do you want from me?
a permit to throw a block party. We
don't even have to break the law. This
is fantastic news.
I am not giving Sheamus Murphy that
permit. He only wants to use the block
party as a cover for something criminal,
a robbery, a murder, or something worse.
You don't know that for sure. And that's
your loophole.
I don't believe in loopholes.
What? Loopholes are the best. Remember
that time when Pancake Palace had that
all you can eat deal, but they didn't
set a time limit? I ate pancakes for a
week for $3.99. All I had to do is sleep
there and never shower.
What? Thanks for the invite, friend. I
will not be using a loophole, Baralta.
As always, I'll be using the main hole
or no hole. I choose no hole.
You just said hole way too much, sir.
And that's coming from Charles.
Yes, that's concerning.
Oh, you think you know someone, Jake.
Unbelievable.
Watching him work is amazing.
Mhm.
I have to get video.
Sierra, please hold the phone horizontal
to get more flies in frame. All right,
guys. This fanboy stuff is a little
much. The only thing that's a little
much around here are your scrolled on
eyebrows. Yesesh. Seriously, I thought
they worked.
They do. If you want to look like a mean
drag queen.
I knew I should have done a flatter
arch. This is a nighttime look.
Well, I got a bean to boil, too.
Santiago always tries to finish my
sentences and frequently gets it wrong.
I do not. And I am not wrong.
You do it all the time. No, I was going
to say all the day long. See, frequently
wrong.
I dog sat for Scully and he never
thanked me. Kelly was a real handful.
Wait, I'm confused again. Kelly was a
dog.
There were two Kelly's. You'd know that
if you'd ever listen to my podcast.
Okay, dude. Just relax.
Don't tell us to relax just because
you're too nice to have any pet peeves.
Oh, Terry's got peeves. Terry hates the
way you always make mouth noises when
you eat. I'm Rosa. I'm eating a
croissant.
How's this for a mouth noise? You suck.
No, you suck. As do you. As do you. And
you.
Oh, yeah. Well, you're all a bunch of
floats.
Well, this is the float right here. You
are the
Papa. Papa, come in here.
Hey, Papa's here. Papa, I'm so scared.
There's a monster in my closet.
Oh, buddy. Shh. It's okay. I'm here.
Monsters aren't real, my little perogi.
But I saw it. It was Harry.
Oh, you just had a nightmare, buddy.
No, it was real. I'm
sure it felt that way. But I am going to
open this closet and I'm going to show
you that there's nothing in there.
Don't do that, Papa.
See, nothing.
Hey, Chuck. It's Pimento.
So, I told Nikolage, "Who cares if
you're bad at skateboarding? When you
grow up, nobody thinks skateboarders are
cool. What's cool is hemming your own
pants."
Mhm. Sure.
Jake, you seem distracted. You're
agreeing with everything I say.
We should go on a month-long couple's
vacation. You, Amy, me, and my dad.
Yeah. Yeah, fine. Whatever.
And we should get matching hats that say
best butt one and best two. We should
wear them all the time.
For sure. Look, Charles, don't look
behind you, but I think we're being
followed. I saw this guy when we were
leaving the precinct and he was in line
at lunch and now he's right behind us.
Is that someone you arrested?
I don't recognize him, but judging by
the headtotoe denim, I'd say he's either
not American or deeply American. I'm
thinking Ukraine or Kentucky.
Well, should we call it in?
No. I've got a better idea.
Hi there. Who are you and why are you
following me?
I'm not following you. I come for
Charles Bole.
Hey, hey, hey. Hands where we can see
him.
Chill out, bro. It's not gun. It's just
a It's a toy. No shoot. Pretty place.
It's gift for Nicolash.
Nicolash? How do you know Charles's son?
My name is Gintars from Latvia.
I am Nicolash birth father.
Oh, Nicolash's birth father who I never
hoped to meet. Very cool. C.
it. I'm sure you'd like to take some
weight off your clo and hooves.
Calling me the devil. How original,
Raymond.
Actually, I was calling you a goat. You
goat.
I'd like to talk about my promotion.
Very well. But first, how do I know
you're not wearing a wire? I need to pat
you down.
If you must.
What is going on?
I'm watching something.
Come here. Come here. Come here. Come
here. You got to see this. I'm about to
give Captain Holt his gift.
Oh, did he lift his no gift policy?
No, he didn't. But I figured out a way
to buy him something and trick him into
accepting it.
You are bad.
I know, right? Oh, wait. You're making
fun of me.
Mhm.
Well, I don't care. He would never open
a gift, right? But what if his gift
didn't look like a gift?
He would open it. Exactly. I left it in
a cardboard box on his desk. There's no
card, just the words open now, which I
wrote with my wrong hand so he wouldn't
recognize my handwriting.
Captain
Santiago Peralta.
Sir, so just to recap, you left an
unmarked package on a police captain's
desk on a random Monday with a
suspicious message written on it that
looked like it was scrolled by a crazy
person.
Mhm.
Bomb. There's a bomb. Everyone out.
Let's go. Let's go. This is not a drill.
Let's go.
Great gift, babe.
Happy Turkey Day.
Yes. Right out of the gate.
What? What's going on?
We're playing boil bingo Thanksgiving
edition.
Everyone filled out their cards with
possible Charles related scenarios.
First to bingo gets 100 bucks.
I had boil calls at turkey day in the
center square.
Boil explains that they ate lobsters at
the first Thanksgiving. They did. Back
in that time they called lobsters ocean
bugs. And I'll just mark it off for you.
I think I got the winning card here.
Boil tells us that he played Pocahontas
in his third grade play. All the girls
were too big.
This is a fun one. Boil says gobble
gobble gobble.
Well, now that I know you want me to say
that, I'll just say it with two gobbles.
Gobble gobble
gobble. God, it just it just sounds
right that way. I don't like this game.
Boil objects to boil bingo.
Come on, guys.
Boil says, "Come on, guys. That's too
for."
Well, guess what? I can spoil your
little game by sitting over here quietly
all day and doing nothing.
Ah,
anybody have boil falls on the floor?
No one. That's a victory. That's a
victory for Boil. Boom.
Boil says,
"Hey, you never came home last night.
Are you doing okay?"
No, I'm a mess. I miss it.
What? I was obviously talking to Amy.
Oh, and who's talking to Skully? No one.
Come on, Sandwich.
[Music]
Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh,
boy?
Yeah, I know. I'm spoiling myself, but
I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten
that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?
Wait, Jake's in prison?
Yeah, he and Rosa were framed for a
bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant
Hawkins.
Oh, right. And where's Gina?
On maternity leave. We were all at her
baby shower last week.
Okay. And why am I bleeding?
I don't know, Hitchcock.
Oh, so you don't have all the answers.
I'm bleeding because my piece of crap
son-in-law bit me.
Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which
is why we have to keep working the case.
There has to be some way to exonerate
him. I've been looking, but I can't find
anything and I don't know what to do.
I can't find anything and I don't know
what to do. Title of your sex tape.
What is happening right now?
They caught Hawkins trying to flee the
country. She confessed to everything and
they let me out.
Oh my god, Jake. Is it really you? Are
you really here?
You know it, baby. But first, I got to
hug my best friend.
What?
Welcome back, Peralta. I just heard from
the mayor to apologize for what happened
to you. They're sending you to Disney
World. You and one male guest. As long
as I don't have to go on any of the
scary rides, I just go for the shows.
Boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil,
boil. Were you dreaming about Jake
again?
Why did you wake me up? I told you never
to wake me up.
Ding dong. The lunch is dead. Bagels for
everyone.
So, I guess you believe it now.
Yep. Want to see the selfies I took?
Actually, yes.
I'll share the album with you.
Oh my god, I just heard about Wunch. She
was so young. for a redwood tree. Uh, I
don't understand what's going on. Why
are you crying?
A person is dead. I feel sad.
That's insane. You don't feel sad when a
monster dies in a monster movie. In ET,
do you feel sad when ET dies?
Yes.
He wasn't a monster.
He caused a real commotion.
[Music]
Oh, hello guys. Guys, guys, check it
out. Haka fell asleep in the break room,
so I put his hand in a bowl of warm
water.
Come on, man. That's the stupidest prank
ever.
Uh, no. It's the smartest because it
involves biology. I bet it worked
already. Let's go, Jack.
Hitchcock. No.
He's drowning. He's drowning.
Fab him, man.
I'll take it back, Jake. Great prank.
Interesting.
[Music]
Very, very interesting.
Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on. Um,
what?
He has no pants on. Is what? Here are
the facts. At 11:55 a.m., Captain Holt
walked past us holding a hot bowl of
soup. At 12:03 p.m., I heard him yell,
"Ouch!"
Then at 12:07, he called Gina into his
office. She entered holding nothing. 1
minute later, she left holding an opaque
bag. Captain Holt's pants were in that
bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's
in his undies.
That evidence is circumstantial. Oh, so
you guys want visual confirmation?
Not really.
Done.
Hey, Captain, I just need you to sign
something at my desk real quick.
Just leave it on the couch. Dismissed.
Okay,
sir. You're going to freak. Yo-yo Ma is
in the precinct and he's giving out
autographs.
Yoyo Ma is on tour in Australia right
now.
How would you know that?
I'm choking on a lo. I'm going to die.
I got to take No. No. I swallowed it. I
swallowed it. It's mine.
Hey. Hey. I made you another bowl of
soup since you spilled yours earlier,
but you're going to have to come over
here to get it.
All right, Barto. I'm sick of you
wasting time. So, yes. I spilled some
minestronone on my pants and I'm sitting
in my underwear. Happy?
Yes,
sir. I need you to sign off on
Look at us. Just three people with pants
on having a normal conversation.
Yep. No story here.
Jake, hurry up. I'm starving.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I
just had to grab my wallet,
gentlemen.
Fine. I was trying something and it
didn't work.
Hey everyone, sorry I'm late. So, what's
this secret meeting all about? You guys
know I'm not medically cleared for
another week. It's not a secret meeting,
Jake. It's an intervention. The tips
have to go.
What? Why?
Jake, we're worried about you and you
look very stupid.
Come on, guys. I think they're kind of
cool. Retro.
No, they're terrible.
Amy, come on. You're digging the tips,
right?
No. I feel like I'm kissing Vanilla Ice.
There was a time you would have jumped
at that chance.
They have to go.
All right, you guys got me. I did it as
a joke. I kept them ironically. Pretty
funny, right? I'm just going to head
out.
Get out.
Yes. Ter.
Okay. Okay. Wait. Wait. Okay. Okay.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I'll admit it. I
went too deep down there in Florida. At
one point, I think I forgot where the
tip of me ended and the base of the tips
began. Before we just chop them off,
would anybody like to say some final
words?
No.
That was one word. That counts. Thank
you, Rosa. Okay, I'm ready.
Sorry I'm late, everyone, but trust me,
it's worth it. Me and Jake are tip buds.
What? No.
[Music]
You know what? I do see it. It's bad. It
looks bad.
And so concludes this year's secret
Santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of
the rules. $40 limit, no perishable
items, and no homemade massage coupons
hitch guard.
Fine. Then everyone will have to pay
full price for them. Oh, Captain, I
would like a $40 gift card to any
restaurant that serves nachos.
I don't have you, Baraldo.
Not only do I know that you do indeed
have me, but I also know who everyone
else has.
That's not possible.
Perhaps not for ordinary men such as
yourself, Jeffs, but for the brilliant
mind of Detective Jacob Sherlock
Peralta. I legally changed my name. It's
quite simply
elementary. For you see, Amy made a face
I only recognized from our bedroom,
which means that she has Captain Holt.
Charles has Terry. His eyes keep
shifting over to him.
No, they don't. Terry looked disgusted,
which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa
didn't draw a name, nor did she put one
in. She doesn't want to participate.
Never do.
Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads,
and he quite clearly said Charlles.
I did get Charlles.
Scully has Amy. He's holding his paper
name side out.
Oh, he's good.
And I have Scully, which means Captain
Hold has me. I'll be taking that gift
card. Daddy loves nachos.
Should we draw the names again and leave
Jake out?
Yeah.
No, Sherlock wants a present.
Attention everyone. Say goodbye to the
Jake Peralta you know and love. For
today is the day I forever change.
Ooh. Are you finally growing a mustache?
No. You know I can't do that. And it's
cruel of you to keep bringing it up.
This envelope contains the inheritance
my uncle left me. He died a year ago. He
was so rich he had a whole room in his
house just to eat in.
You mean like a dining room?
Yeah, but in Manhattan.
Oh, dang.
Now, just because I'm definitely rich
now doesn't mean I'm going to forget my
roots. You all get something, so fire
away.
Jake, your friendship is gift enough for
me.
Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati
Monster 821. All right, Rosa gets a
motorcycle.
Oh, cool. I want a fast sports car.
Come on, you could be honest.
I want old, expensive books. I'll send
you a list.
There you go. Now, let's find out what
I'm worth.
I'm too nervous to open it. Serge, you
do it.
Okay,
it's stock. 1 million shares.
Oh my god.
A Blockbuster video stock.
What is that bad? I still have a
Blockbuster card.
What happened to Blockbuster?
So again, your alibi is a mysterious
stranger handed you the gun, made you
put your prince on it, robbed the store,
and then hid the gun in your underpants.
Well, yeah. If you say it like that, it
don't sound believable.
Oh, hey, Captain. Did you get my report
on the Finley murder?
Uh, yeah. I looked it over. Nice work.
Good. Thanks, Dad.
Why is everyone staring at me?
You just called Captain Hold. You said
thanks, Dad.
What? No, I didn't. I said, "Thanks,
man." Do you see me as a father figure,
Peralta?
No. If anything, I see you as a father
figure cuz you're always bothering me.
Hey, show your father some respect.
I didn't call him dad.
No, no, no, no. Jacob, I take it as a
compliment.
It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom
once and she's my fianceé.
Guys, jump on that. Boil has
psychosexual issues.
Old news. But you calling Hol daddy.
Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
But you did call him dad, dude.
You shut up. You've done nothing but lie
since you got here. All right. All
right. I was lying about the holdup, but
the dad thing that happened.
He admitted that his alibi was a lie. It
was a trap. All part of my crazy,
devious plan.
I believed you.
Thank you,
son. You want to talk about it later
over a game of catch?
I'd like that.
Cluck, cluck, gobble, gobble. Guess who
just came from the PS321 Thanksgiving
parade.
Charles, you actually might
Charles. I'm Tommy Gobbler and I'm
stuffed with Thanksgiving happiness. A
gobble gobble.
Seriously, Charles, I
I warned you. I'm Tommy Gobbler, you
silly pilgrim.
Okay, Tommy gobbler.
There you go.
These are the Davidsons.
They want to know what happened to their
missing grandmother.
I have some deeply tragic news for you.
So, two keys, huh?
That's a lot of snow. Yeah, if you can't
handle it, we're happy to find someone
who can.
Don't worry about me, friend. I can
handle it.
Marissa, baby, go get our guest
something to drink, would you? We don't
want a drink.
What is this, a social car?
It's not a tea party.
You look like 5-year-old girls to te.
Gentlemen, please have some patience.
Two keys. Pure as a Catholic school
girl. Did you bring the cash?
Oh, we brought something much better
than cash.
What's that?
Our guns.
NYPD, you're under arrest.
Let's
do it.
Boss man's gone. Where'd he go?
Thank you, kindly, little lady.
[Music]
Gio Costa, you're under arrest. You want
that drink now, Hitchcock? Don't mind if
I do, Scully. Don't mind if I do.
Guys, I have a great idea for a prank.
Before Hol comes in, I'm going to put
ink on the podium where he puts his
hands.
I don't think you'll fall for that.
I did. How? I haven't even opened this
yet.
I guess it's unrelated.
Captain Hold hates pranks. This is going
to backfire, man.
Gh.
Fine. I'll tone it down. I'll move his
podium a foot to the left.
What? He'll be so angry.
Okay. 5 in.
Five.
Three.
Three.
One.
One.
All right. I'll move it a half inch.
Fine. It's your funeral.
Oh my god.
Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not
even going to notice.
Good morning.
You guys, the podium it's
[Laughter]
crazy. How did you pull this off?
Hey, you guys got a sec? I need to talk
to you about something.
Whatever it is can wait, Rosie. You're
going to want to see this question. What
is the number one problem with the
Corona virus?
Mass death. economic collapse, the way
the disease has exposed the systemic
injustice at the core of American life.
Well, yes, obviously those. But after
that, it's how to high-five your friends
while staying 6 feet apart. But now, the
world can stop their worrying because we
have created the COVID 5. With this
machine, you can execute any high five
your heart desires. There's the classic.
Slip me some skin.
Sprinkle me, sprinkle me, sprinkle,
sprinkle me, sprinkle. The Vulcan
scissor, that's a bad one. Yeah. And of
course, the need for speed.
Wow, that was impressively stupid.
I know, right? Uh, so what was it you
wanted to tell me?
Just wanted to say goodbye. I turned in
my resignation. I quit the force.
Dude, that was by far your best five.
You're quitting.
Lastly, on a personal note, as many of
you know, Kevin and I have recently
reconciled.
Nice. Somebody's getting some.
It's true. I am. Now, when we originally
wed, we didn't know how long gay
marriage would be legal, so we had a
somewhat rushed ceremony.
Do you, Kevin?
Yes.
And do you?
Yes. Yes, we do. We're married. Kevin
has always regretted it. So, we're
having a vow renewal ceremony. This
time, we're pulling out all the stops.
It will be a truly extravagant affair.
Oh, how extravagant are we talking?
Champagne pyramid,
destination wedding,
celebrity officient.
We got the salad forks. Can you believe
it? A second fork. Who do we think we
are?
Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it
is. Now, I don't even want to tell you
the other surprise I have in store for
Kevin.
Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread
plates.
Don't be absurd. We're not crazy. No,
the big surprise is
I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Wait, what? Why did you lead with the
salad forks?
Gobble gobble. Tommy Gobbler's back and
he wants to hear what you turkeys are
thankful for.
Charles, you got to stop.
I don't gobble understand people.
But Charles,
gobble,
dude. Gobble.
Gobble gobble. Your tail feather is
caught in the gobble door.
Thank you. Gobble. Wait, what?
Oh, I think your feathers are ripping.
Gobble.
Gobble.
I'll get back to you guys by the end of
the day with all the logistics.
Sergeant Terrence Jeffs, four years ago
on this exact date, you told me I was
too old to learn how to do the worm.
I've vow on that day to prove you a
fool. And today I shall
check it.
[Music]
More fire.
As I was telling the squad, our old CO,
Captain McGintley, just passed away.
Oh no.
We're going to Los Angeles for the
funeral next week. I'll have the travel
details later. Hey, has anyone seen a
worm? Because this funky chicken's
hungry.
Charles, a man has died. Read the room.
Sir, you wanted to see me?
Yes. I have an assignment for you. I'm
afraid it's not a pleasant one.
Oh my god. Please tell me it's not.
Yes, it's Hitchcock related.
Son of a
Detective Hitchcock is set to testify in
court this afternoon. It's an important
case, and I'd rather not get another
call from the DA saying he showed up,
quote, covered in condiments, unquote.
So, you want me to keep Hitchcock from
spilling on himself for the rest of the
day? We both know that's impossible.
I'm counting on you.
I won't do it.
There's nobody else I trust.
What you're asking is insane.
I'm not asking.
It's a suicide mission.
Then prepare for death.
You've lost your mind.
This is a direct order, detective. Get
in line.
Hey, you guys startled Hitchcock. He
spilled two full jars of spaghetti sauce
on himself.
Thanks a lot, fellas.
Sorry, Sarge.
Halloween is the worst. Everyone's
drunk, wearing a mask, and carrying a
fake gun. Plus, all the girls think they
have to dress sexy.
I know. That is the worst. Please make
them stop.
I passed a tree on the way here.
Who wants to have sex with a tree?
Was it a maple?
Was it a maple?
Bonjouro. Bonjouro. Pretty cool. Stew,
huh?
Ste, short for costume.
Ah, all right. Let me guess. You are
Dumpy Chuck Norris.
No, I'm
Dumpy Ron Weasley.
No. You guys, stop it. He put thought
into his costume. And he is obviously
Miranda from Sex in the City.
Guys, I'm Mario Batitali. Mto Mario,
celebrity chef, ginger prince of Little
Italy. Is he also a homeless troll doll?
Cuz he look like a homeless troll doll.
Hey, sweet costume. Dude, thank you.
There is a man with impeccable taste. He
bit a guy's butt off at a WNBA game.
Eric Stoultz for mask. I'll take it.
I hope you're all well rested. It's
going to be a busy night.
The holding cell's completely full. I
keep having to separate Hillary Clinton
and Kim Jong-un.
Stop it. Stop making out.
Hey, no.
What would Bill say?
We need two undercovers at the Dicab
Street warehouse party. Uh, Boil, you're
already in costume as uh Joy Behar
on Mario Batitali.
Okay. And uh Santiago, you go with them.
Yes, sir. Damn it. Santiago, I know that
you hate Halloween, but stick with me
and I promise you, you will love it.
Can you magically make everyone kind,
sober, and fully dressed?
Kind, sober, and fully dressed. Good
news, everyone. We found the name of
Santiago sex tape.
Hey, what's up? I came as fast as I
could.
Title your sex tape. Nailed it. So, have
you ever heard of a guy named Bruno
Roas?
Yeah, big guy in the Columbombian
cartel, right?
He was until he got shot in the chest
yesterday by his top lieutenant.
Apparently, the bullet went straight
through his nipple.
Wa! Nature's bullseye.
Oh my god, I love the way your brain
works. Anyways, he's in a coma now, and
Captain Holt thinks if I'm here when he
wakes up, I can get him to talk.
So, what'd you call me for?
Because I need a partner.
What about them?
Oh, we're not here for work. I brought
Scully in because he needs some medical
tests.
Yeah, I'm here all the time. I'm kind of
the mayor of this place. Sure, old baby.
You got a fresh bag for me?
Saving you the biggest one, Skully?
You're too good to me. Anyway, I'll see
you guys around. Dan. Dan, the enema
man.
Guess it's kind of nice to see Scully in
his element.
Jake, I can't stay here with you. I have
so much on my plate at work. Yeah, so do
I. But I've been pulling double shifts
non-stop, but we haven't really gotten
to hang out in almost a month. Our
anniversary is coming up, and we don't
even have anything planned.
I know, but we talked about this. We're
going to take a trip as soon as we have
time. I promise.
Just like you promised we would see the
Bumblebee movie.
I didn't promise that. I believe what I
said was, "Isn't that a kids movie?"
Yeah. And I believe what I said was,
"It's for teens."
Look, I get that you can't take any time
off from work, but this is a loophole.
It's still work. You know, we can hang
out here and chat and catch up and laugh
and technically we'll be doing our jobs.
I call it a
caseation case. All I ever wanted
case had to get away.
Babe, this is so sweet. But do you
honestly think that Holt's going to let
me just hang out here with you
indefinitely?
Yes, just tell him I need supervision.
I've spent the last 6 years building up
a reputation as an irresponsible goof
for this very moment.
That is ridiculous. Holtz respects you.
Does he though?
Hello. You've reached the office of
Raymond Halt. I can come to the phone
right now.
Hey, sir. I'm just here at the hospital
with Jake and I think he could use some
oversight. Agreed.
So,
case all I ever wanted.
Hey, Gina, we got an anonymous gift
basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's
got meats, cheeses, candies, all the
food groups. The
cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth
and in my hands. Hm. French chocolates,
French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did
none of you detectives think this might
be a gift for Captain Holt from someone
in France, like his husband? Pomp,
what?
No way. This is a nice present from an
unknown, appreciative citizen that
wanted us to munch.
What's this then? Dear Captain Raymond
Holt, thinking of you best, Dr. Kevin
Cosner, PhD. He even used their pet
names.
Oh no, I ate the chocolate covered
strawberry. That's the most intimate
snack of them all. Hold's going to be
back from his meeting in 30 minutes.
What do we do?
Eat the note
now.
No, it's okay. We can fix this.
Check it out, sir. A lovely gift basket
that Kevin sent you all the way from
Paris.
Straight from Paris.
stapler,
scissors,
rubber bands.
That man really knows me.
Listen up everyone. We had a murder this
morning. The vic was found at 8:45 by a
dog walker who let herself into his
apartment.
Oh my god, it's Franzia. This is the
work of Johnny Franzia, my white whale.
He's finally resurfaced.
Not this again. Yes, this again. Johnny
Franzia has been on a murder spree for
the past 10 years. And every time he
kills someone, he taunts me. Look,
there's a deck of cards.
You say that whenever there's cars at a
crime scene, you know how many people
own cars, Jake?
Then explain this. Johnny Franzia's
catchphrase is deuces are wild. Now look
around the apartment. Two chairs, two
paintings, two pillows.
There are three lamps.
You think Frania gives a damn about
lamps? You sound so dumb right now. This
is why you don't have an arch nemesis,
Terry, because you focus on the wrong
details. Maybe I don't have an arch
nemesis because I solve all my crimes.
That's a pretty up thing to say to me.
Wait for it. Wait for it. 9:01. Amy
Santiago is officially late for the
first time ever. All right, let's do
this. Who's got theories?
Uh, alarm didn't go off.
All three alarms, all with battery
backup. Come on. Who wants to take this
seriously? She was taken in her sleep.
That's what I'm talking about. Super
dark boil, but way more plausible than
the sergeant's idiotic alarm clock
theory.
I bet she tucked herself into bed too
tight and got stuck.
Maybe she fell into another dimension
where she's interesting.
It's 9:00 a.m. Why is no one working?
Amy Santiago is a few minutes late and
we're all trying to guess why.
I like to play.
I'd say she's in line at the bank.
This is fun.
It is fun. But you're all wrong. She
clearly slipped through a subway grade
and is having terrible sex with a mole
man.
There she is. Amy, where have you been?
We've been worried sick. Do you care to
explain yourself?
I'm just 70 seconds late. It's not a big
deal. Don't worry about it.
Santiago, you will tell us. And you will
tell us now.
There was a problem at the bank.
God damn.
Pigeon's still here.
Yeah. No matter what we do, you just
won't leave. The problem is you're
thinking like detectives.
No, I'm definitely not. when you should
be thinking like a bird.
This is operation saving private pigeon.
On my mark, I will turn on this fan,
gently startling our bird due east into
the filebox canyon where he will
encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together, forcing
Private Pigeon into the ceiling there
and out of the ceiling there, where he
will be greeted by scary Rosa holding a
scary picture of an owl. Now he's
playing our game. He'll veer left into
an upside down garbage can propped up by
a hockey stick and connected to a string
that Gina is holding. She pulls it. He's
trapped and Terry releases him outside.
Terry hates birds.
Okay, little friend. Let's get you home
to mama.
Oh god, it flew right into the fan. It's
everywhere. There's pigeon everywhere.
And I believe that's all I've got. Oh
wait, there's one more thing. Peralta
gave me a note before the meeting.
Ugh. The pemanship is horrid. But I
think it says ask if anyone has an anal
mint.
It's announcements and we do.
Wow. What an entrance.
Amy and I have some big news to share.
I'm pregnant.
We're pregnant.
What the hell? I thought you guys would
be more excited than that. Charles, you
didn't even faint.
I'm so sorry. I'll try.
It's not working. Somebody took me
on it.
Rosa, sorry. We're so happy for you, but
we also maybe kind of already knew. I
mean, you didn't do the best job of
hiding it. Why have you been carrying
that box around so much?
I just love this box.
Why are you reading that newspaper? It's
2 days old.
I just love this issue.
Hey, why are you wearing that hazmat
suit?
I just love this look.
Okay, fine. So, you all knew we were
pregnant. Good for you. But I bet you
didn't figure out that we're having
twins.
No, not really. It's one baby. I just
needed to see Charles faint.
All right, everyone. As you know, the
NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in
Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the 99 and
sending my findings to the deputy
commissioner. Are there any questions?
Yeah, Veronica, are you sure you're the
best person for that job given our um
you know,
sexual past?
Thank you, Detective Bole.
Sergeant Jeffs, don't be silly. I won't
let the fact that you and I have a
history together affect the decision I
have to make in any way whatsoever.
Well, that's certainly good to hear. I
mean, sure, it took me years of intense
therapy to get over, and it's given me a
fear of intimacy that has affected every
subsequent relationship, but there's no
reason I can't remain unbiased.
The way you just said that makes it seem
like you actually are biased.
I have no idea what you mean. That is
all.
Okay, the plan is clear, Sarge. You
divorce Sharon, abandon your children,
get back together with that monster. The
precinct is saved. I'm not leaving my
family.
Come on. You didn't even consider it.
Whoa. What's with the cast?
I sprained my wrist.
Oh no. What happened?
Don't worry about it. I'm fine.
Yeah. Jeez. Amy, back off. Leave the guy
alone. All right, huddle up. Everybody
bring it in. Bring it in.
So, he wouldn't say what happened, which
can only mean one thing.
He's in a fight club.
No, he did it doing something he's
embarrassed by, like smiling. Only
question is how do you hurt your arm
smiling?
Could be a sports injury. I sprained my
wrist in college playing field hockey.
Men's field hockey?
Yeah, it's much more violent than the
women's game. We're not allowed to wear
anything that protects our breasts.
Attention everyone. I can hear you
speculating about the nature and origin
of my injury from my office. I tripped
over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think
it was relevant to your jobs. The jobs
which you should all be doing right now.
Get to work.
Do you want to know how I actually hurt
my wrist?
Yes.
I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a
class for fitness and for fun.
Oh my god.
I've mastered all the moves. The pizza
toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the
oopsy doodle.
Why are you telling me this?
Because no one will ever believe you.
No, no.
You sick son of a
Bro, there was a botch bene at a jewelry
store in Atlantic that just turned into
a hostage situation. They want you to be
the negotiator.
Oh my god, my prayers have finally been
answered.
You prayed for a hostage situation?
Yes, I did every single day.
I don't understand. Why isn't ESU
handling this?
Apparently, the hostage taker asked for
Jake by name.
Oh yes, it's getting even cooler. Oh
man, I wonder who it is. Ooh, maybe it's
the brother of someone I put away for
life. Ooh. Or the identical twin of
someone I put away for life. Or the
fraternal twin of just get down there
and take Diaz with you.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. How do I look? It
doesn't matter. Let's go negotiate.
Hey everyone, I'm here. I'm Jake
Peralta, the negotiator. Oh, so you're
Jake Peralta, the negotiator. Yes. Who
are you?
Dennis Cole, ESU. This was my crime
scene before you bozos got here.
Nice to meet you, too, Dennis.
I've spent 10 years as a negotiator, and
you just took my first hostage
situation. All I've done up till now is
talk jumpers off of rooftops. But that
must be satisfying in its own way,
right? Yeah. Really satisfying saving a
crazy person's life. Whatever. Here's a
little advice. I don't like you two. Not
so much advice as it is a hurtful
statement based on limited interaction.
He wants to talk to you.
Get the hell in there. Oo, it says
negotiator on it.
This is Jake Peralta.
I am unarmed
and I'm approaching the building.
You wanted to talk to me?
Keep those hands in the air. Now wave
them like you just don't care.
What?
I'm just messing with you, Peralta. Put
your hands down. Give me a hug, baby.
Judy.
Bonjour. Me.
Wow. Someone had a good time in Paris.
Oh, Kevin and I shared a perfect week
together. I feel like I'm floating on a
guason. I wonder why people don't just
break into song more often.
I've been asking you for months if I
could answer the phone like
this.
Give it a whirl, girl.
Guys, he's rhyming. He's telling Gina to
sing. Captain Halt is on a vacation
high. He will say yes to anything right
now.
I would like a police horse and I'd like
Terry to be riding it almost constantly.
I'd like an HR person to remind everyone
about workplace boundaries. The Japanese
make toilet seats which squirt a heated
jet of water right up your I'm going to
stop you right there, bud. What we need
in here is an armored personnel carrier.
A tank.
Two tanks. I want a tank, too.
Great. So, everyone gets a tank. Just
remember, we can't ruin Captain Holt's
vacation high. So, no one say anything
that'll upset him. Oh, no. What are
those morons doing in there?
Well, maybe it's not that bad. Maybe
they didn't upset him.
What did you do? What' you say?
Nothing. We just said, "Welcome back."
And laughed with him about all the
weight he gained in France.
Why is everyone just standing around?
Get back to work.
So long, Tank.
Tank, I gained 3 lb in Paris. 3 lb.
Morning.
Who are those for?
Captain Holt's uncle passed away. They
weren't close, but I wanted to do
something.
Interesting. Flowers are a bold choice,
Santiago. But I can still beat you.
Beat me at expressing condolences.
Yep, it's on. Flowers are a gift, and
Captain Hol hates gifts. I think a
thoughtful email is the way to go here.
Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for
your loss. Group sentiment very
meaningful. Please let us know if
there's anything we can do. Selfless
act.
Very respectful.
Correct. I am the king of
respectfulness,
Hey, did you send that from your
personal or work account?
Personal. It's a personal matter
involving a personal friend and his
personal uncle.
So, you remembered to turn off your
signature, right?
I don't know.
Hey, Captain. I just sent you an email.
Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for
your loss. Please let us know if there's
anything we can do. Sent from my stinky
butt.
I was hacked.
Thank you for the email. It means a lot
to me.
You're very welcome.
I was addressing your stinky butt.
Jake, you got to see this. There's
something going on here. Something a
little hairy.
Nope. Don't see anything out of the
ordinary.
Really? Oh, maybe I should frame the
question differently. Terry, do you
notice anything?
Amy,
new shirt.
Oh, come on, guys. I grew goatee and it
looks amazing. And I know you can see
it.
Of course, we can see it, Charles. It's
horrible.
It looks like you unclogged a shower
drain with your mouth.
Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in
the don't talk to strangers poster.
No, I don't.
Now, you're talking about your new
goatee?
Mhm.
I think it's a good choice for your
face.
Come over here so I can take a better
look. Thank you, Captain. I knew you'd
appreciate Bianca. That's right. I call
her Bianca because she's dark and thick
like my first cousin. Bianca
Jeffers Peralta. Now,
say goodbye to Bianca. Boil.
Bianca.
Terry loves waking up. Terry loves
waking up. Terry.
Good morning, honey. Tell
what the hell are you doing?
It's Halt Ny's last day, so we're having
a final heist. It's heist day.
Couldn't you have just sent an email?
Nope. This was the only way. I have to
go alert the others. See you soon. It's
ice day, Rosa.
Sorry about your milk. Got to go.
Nico, it's time for school.
It's ice day, Charles.
Where's Nicolash?
He's crying in the closet. Got to go.
Babe, what are you doing?
I was hiding so I could surprise you.
But if you're here, then who's in our
shower?
It's me, Captain Holmes. It's heist day,
Jay. Oh.
[Music]
Related Songs