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just seems so feudal. You know, all
these women and nothing.
I feel like Superman without my powers,
you know.
I have the cape and yet I cannot fly.
Well, now you understand how I feel
every single day.
Okay. The world is my lesbian wedding.
I shouldn't even bother coming up with a
line, right?
>> All right, look. Penismus. Okay, we're
all people.
>> Hi.
>> Hi. Rachel Green's office.
>> You must be Hilda.
Yeah. This is Tag Tag. This is Phoebe.
Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
>> Phoebe.
>> That's a great name.
>> Oh, you like that? You should hear my
phone number.
>> Okay, I'll be right back.
>> So, you hired yourself a little treat,
did you?
>> All right. I know. I know how it looks,
Feebs, but I'm telling you,
>> but but you know you cannot get involved
with your assistant.
>> Yes, I know that. I know that. And I
know that hiring him was probably not
the smartest thing that I've ever done,
but I'm telling you from this moment on,
I swear this is strictly professional.
>> Yes.
>> Hey, Rachel.
>> Hi.
>> Cute assistant. What's his story? Is he
like
>> gay? Yeah.
[Applause]
>> I'll get it. I will get that.
>> Hi.
>> Hi.
>> One uh vegetarian pizza. It's 12:15.
>> Oh. and see.
>> Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any
better, uh, I happen to like 8-year-old
boys.
>> What?
>> Oh, I mean, was the uh, your hair before
your hair? You said you thought that
your hair looked like an 8-year-old
boy's, and I'm I'm just saying I like
it.
The hair.
>> Thanks.
You understand? I don't actually like
8-year-olds.
>> You know, all I'm looking for is the
money.
>> Here you go. Now, stop bringing us pizza
as you.
>> I'm going to try.
>> You're welcome.
>> You couldn't let me have her, could you?
>> Hey. Oh, we we can't keep eating like
this.
It's uh 12:50.
>> Okay. Um
so,
>> do you make the pizzas in one of those
uh wood burning ovens?
>> No, actually, um I think they're gas.
>> Gas. Wow.
>> Intense.
>> If this is the way all the gellers
flirt, we don't have a problem.
Hey. Uh, you know that smell gas has
>> Yeah,
>> they put that in.
>> What?
>> The gas is odorless,
but they add the smell so you know when
there's a leak.
>> Well, okay.
a lot of other gas smells.
>> You know what? Um, actually, I I really
I should go.
>> Oh, but I I I haven't paid you yet.
>> You know what? That's okay. You guys
have ordered so many that this one's on
me.
>> I don't even know how I would go about
it.
>> Oh, what I do is uh I look a woman up
and down and I say, "Hey,
how you doing?"
>> Oh. Please.
>> Hey,
you don't
>> How How are we going to mess with them?
>> Well, you could use your position, you
know, as the roommate, and then I would
use, you know, the strongest tool at my
disposal, my sexuality.
>> Hello, children.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. Watch, learn, and don't eat my
cookie.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. Ooh. Wow. That jacket looks great
on you.
>> Really?
>> Yeah. The material looks so soft. Oh,
hello Mr. Bicep.
>> Have you been working out?
>> Well, I try to, you know, squeeze
things.
>> Are you okay?
>> Well, if you really want to know, I Oh,
I can't tell you this.
>> Maybe it's me. You can tell me anything.
Well, actually, you're the one person I
can't tell this to and the one person I
want to the most.
>> What's going on?
>> I think it's just, you know, that I
haven't been with a guy in so long and
you know how sometimes you're looking
for something and you just don't even
see that it's right there in front of
you sipping coffee.
>> Oh, no. Have I said too much?
>> You want some help with that?
>> No, no, thanks. I got it. Oh, no, I
don't. Oh,
you okay?
>> Yeahoo.
Stood up too fast. Got a little head
rush.
>> The heat
>> and and the humidity.
>> That's a uh that's a tough combination.
[Laughter]
>> Do you want to come in for some
lemonade? like you wouldn't believe.
>> Wow, this is a great place.
>> Thank you.
Just make yourself comfortable.
>> Gotcha.
>> So, this place is really my
grandmother's.
[Applause]
>> I got it from her when she moved to
Florida. Otherwise, I could never afford
a place like this.
[Applause]
So, if the landlord ever asks, I'm an
87y old woman who's afraid of her VCR.
You thirsty?
>> Oh, you bet I am.
>> Okay, here's your penis.
[Applause]
[Music]
>> Oh my god. What the hell are you doing?
You said you want to come in for some
lemonade.
>> So,
were you just going to give me lemonade?
>> Yeah.
>> Cover yourself up.
>> Oh, right. Sorry.
>> I don't believe this. I mean, someone
asks you in for lemonade and to you that
means they want to have sex.
>> Um, usually. Yeah. Well, not just
lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice.
Sorry. I just thought you liked me. Such
a jerk.
>> It's okay.
I suppose it could happen to anyone. Not
anyone I know. But
by the way, I can still see it.
>> Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr. Schiff.
>> Yes, you are.
>> So, how's it going?
>> Oh, it's really, really good. But enough
about me. Come on.
Where are you from? What do you do?
>> I'm a doctor.
>> Right. Right. I actually I meant, you
know, in your spare time, do you cook?
Do you ski? Or just hang out with your
wife or girlfriend?
>> Uh, I don't have a wife or girlfriend,
but I I do like to ski.
>> Oh, I love to ski. How amazing is this?
>> So, are you experiencing any discomfort?
>> No, I'm very comfortable. Any painful
gas?
>> No.
>> Shoot. Dr. Schiff, what kind of question
is that?
>> Okay, then. Would you like to lie down
on the table?
>> Well, would you like me to lie down on
the table?
>> I'm sorry. Is there something going on
here?
>> Do you feel it, too?
>> You know, on second thought, gum would
be perfection.
Gum would be perfection.
Gum would be perfection. Could have said
gum would be nice. Could have said I'll
have a stick, but no, no, no, no, no.
For me, gum is perfection.
I loathe myself.
What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's
good. It's got a uh boyish charm. It's
impish.
Here we go.
[Laughter]
Nice going, imp.
Okay, it it's okay. All I need to do is
reach over and put it back in my mouth.
>> Good. Safe. We're back on track. And I'm
chewing someone else's gum.
This is not my gum. Oh my god. Oh my
god.
And now you're choking.
>> Are you all right?
>> Oh my god. You're choking.
>> Yes. Thank you. That was
That was
>> perfection.
Hello, Joey.
>> Hey, Felicity.
>> Um, I thought about you all day.
>> Yeah.
>> Talk New York to me again.
>> Forget about it.
>> How you doing?
>> I'm quitting. I just helped an
81year-old woman put on a thong and she
didn't even buy it.
>> I'm telling you, I'm quitting. That's
it. I'm talking to my boss right now.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I
am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Okay, bye.
Call me when you get this message.
>> Oh, Mr. Waltham, I uh really need to
talk to you.
>> In a moment, please. I'm in the middle
of a task and you have a customer.
>> Hi.
>> Hi. I'm Joshua.
>> Hi. I'm Rachel Green. What can I do for
you, Joshua?
>> Well, uh, I need a whole new wardrobe.
My wife, well, my exwife.
>> Oh, I'm so sorry. Anyway,
she burned all of my clothes. I got away
with two things. This suit and what
turned out to be a uh skirt.
>> But at least that's a great suit.
>> Yeah, but it wasn't much fun dropping it
off at the dry cleaners in the skirt.
So, I need everything down to underwear.
So, if you're willing, I'm uh I'm all
yours.
Okay,
>> Rachel, you needed to speak to me.
>> No, no, that wasn't me.
>> Well, we should get started. Let me show
you my underwear.
>> The selection of underwear that we
carry.
>> Oh, I'm sorry. It's this way. It's this
way.
>> It's this way. Yeah. Sorry.
Would
[Music]
you like to go to a basketball game with
No.
>> You know, it's funny basketball because
I happen to have tickets to
um
who likes the Nick.
>> What do you think? Oh, well, as a single
woman who is available,
I think you look great.
>> Huh? Huh?
>> Yep. Oh, yeah. You look great.
>> Oh, yeah. Yeah, this looks great.
>> Um, so you like it?
>> I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think
I'm going to wear it home.
>> Great.
>> All right. Well, thank you so much for
all your help.
>> Sure.
>> Well, I guess uh I guess this is it.
>> See you.
>> Thanks. Maybe I'll see you in the
spring, you know, with the uh for the
bathing suits.
>> Well, well, you don't want to do that
now.
>> That's okay. I
>> Anyway, hopefully I I'll see you around
sometime.
>> Basketball.
>> Sorry.
>> I uh I have two tickets to the Knicks
game tonight if you're interested. just
as a thank you for this week.
>> Wow, that would be great.
>> Really?
>> Yeah, that would be fantastic. My my
nephew is crazy about the Knicks.
>> This is fantastic. Thank you so much,
Rachel.
>> Good morning.
>> Hi.
>> Okay, for next time, what do you say?
>> I have an extra ticket. an extra ticket.
Not two tickets. I have an extra ticket.
>> So, the first time you asked a guy out,
he he turns you down.
>> He didn't turn me down. He's at the
game, isn't he? I got the date. I'm just
not on it.
>> Rash, she wants you. She barely knows
me. We just live in the same building.
>> Any contact? Uh,
>> she lent me an egg once.
>> You're in.
Ah, right.
>> Hey, Ross.
>> Hey.
>> Come on, Ross. You got to get back in
the game here, okay? The Rachel thing is
not happening. Your ex-wife's a lesbian.
You
I don't think we need a third.
>> Excuse me. Can we get an egg over here?
Still in the show? Thanks.
>> An egg?
>> Yeah. You're going to go up to her and
say, "Here's your egg back. I'm
returning your egg.
I think it's winning.
>> Come on. I think it's insane.
>> She'll love it.
>> Thank you. Thank you. Here.
>> Go with the egg, my friend.
Go, go, go, go, go.
>> They going to work.
>> No way. It's suicide. The man's got an
egg.
>> Oh my god. Joey Trivani from Days of Our
Lives just walked in here.
>> Ra, he's a friend of ours.
>> You are friends with Dr. Drake Raor.
>> It's kind of hard to be friends with
Drake because of his busy schedule and
the fact that he's not real.
>> Hey. Hey. Or I could bring my keyboard
here sometime.
>> Just come. Just come over, Joey.
>> I know. Here. Here.
>> Oh,
no. This is my friend Rachel. We went to
high school together.
>> I
I love you on that show.
>> I watch you every day. I mean, when you
took out your own kidney to save your
ex-wife, even though she tried to kill
you.
>> Well, it's always nice to meet the fans.
>> She's not crazy, is she?
>> So, uh, how are you doing?
>> Hey. Hey, how's it going? Did you make
any new friends?
>> Yeah. Yeah, I met this woman.
>> Hey, Mom. Whoa. What's she like?
>> Uh, well, she's really good in bed.
>> I thought you going to try to be friends
first.
>> Well, look. Hey, it's all your fault.
>> What? Why?
>> Because you didn't give me advice. No,
you gave me a pickup line. As soon as I
told her I wanted to, you know, build a
foundation and be friends first, I
suddenly, through no fault of my own,
became irresistible to her
and a roommate.
>> What about the closeness?
>> Closeness? There was three of us for
crying out loud.
>> Please help me. I have a date tonight.
It has to go well. Okay. I'm scared for
my health.
>> Okay. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh, I got something.
Okay. It's a story that I came up with.
Very romantic. I swear any woman that
hears it, they're like putty.
>> Really? Well, then tell it to me.
>> Okay. Now, you're going to want to have
sex with me when you hear it. But you
have to remember it is just the story.
>> I'll try to control myself.
>> Okay.
Years ago, when I was backpacking across
Western Europe,
>> you were backpacking across Western
Europe. Have a nice six more months,
Ross.
>> Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. Please,
please. You You were in Western Europe
and
I was just outside of Barcelona hiking
in the foothills of Mount Tibidabu.
I was at the end of this path and I came
to a clearing and there was a lake very
secluded and there were tall trees all
around. It was dead silent.
gorgeous.
And across the lake, I saw a beautiful
woman bathing herself,
but she was crying.
>> Why?
>> This is great wine.
>> It's from France
in Europe.
Western Europe,
>> you know. Um, a few years ago, uh,
actually I was backpacking across
Western Europe.
>> Really?
>> Mhm. Wait, it gets better.
Um, yeah, I was in, um, Barcelona.
>> I studied for a year in Barcelona.
Anyway, um so I was um I was hiking.
>> I love hiking.
>> Oh, that's great.
>> I was hiking along the foothills of a
Mount Tibido.
>> I think it's Tibidaba.
>> Okay. Do you want to tell the story?
>> Wanted to
>> interesting.
>> Anyway,
um probably worked out for the best.
Yeah, sure.
>> Okay. In about 10 seconds, you're going
to see him kiss me.
>> And in about 5 seconds, you're going to
see why.
>> Ross, did I ever tell you about the time
that I went backpacking through Western
Europe?
[Laughter]
Hey, get ready to see some begging.
>> Oh, you came on to Ross.
>> What?
>> Now I'm so happy.
>> What are you talking about?
>> You use the Europe story.
>> That's the magic story you use when you
want to have sex.
>> How do you know about that story?
>> How do you know about that story?
I heard it from my friend Irene who
heard it from some guy.
>> Some guy.
>> No. No. She told me that his name was
Ken Adams.
>> Ken Adams.
>> Could you be more out of my league?
Ross, back me up here.
>> He can never get a woman like that in a
million years.
>> Thank you, buddy.
>> Oh. Oh. But you know, you always see
these really beautiful women with these
really nothing guys. You could be one of
those guys.
>> You could do that.
>> Thank you.
>> Absolutely.
>> Oh god, I can't believe I'm even
considering this. I'm very, very aware
of my tongue.
>> Come on. Come on. Here goes.
>> Yes.
>> Hi. Um, okay. Next word would be uh
Chandler.
Chandler is my name and uh
hi.
>> Yes, you said that.
>> Yes. Yes, I did. But what I didn't say
was what I was about to say. What I
wanted to say was uh would you like to
go out with me sometime? Thank you. Good
night.
>> Okay, let me just get changed and we can
go to dinner.
>> What do What happened to Jessica's body?
>> I'm not telling. You'll have to see it
on TV.
You don't know, do you?
>> No. Couldn't hear us.
>> Hey, good scene, man. Hey, you, too. All
right.
>> What? You weren't in it.
>> Oh, uh, Cash. This is my friend Rachel.
Rachel. Cash. Cash. Rachel.
>> How come I haven't seen you here before?
>> Well, Joey probably just thinks I'll
embarrass him. He thinks I'm some kind
of a soap opera nut,
>> which I'm not. I'm not.
Although, I do know that your uh your
favorite ice cream flavor is butter
pecan.
And uh and that your your dog's name is
Wall-E.
Oh, look at that. I'm just stroking your
arm.
>> Here we go. There we go.
>> Oh, we're leaving. Hi, Cash. Say hi to
Wall-E.
>> You're a really nice guy and I'm happy
to be your roommate and your friend. I'm
just, you know, I just don't feel that
way about you.
>> Oh,
I see what happened.
It's because I was trying to repel you,
right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot
different if I turned it on.
>> I don't think so.
>> Oh, I do.
>> How you doing?
I'm okay.
>> What?
>> What?
>> Oh, dear God.
>> And you know, if I get really hot, um I
I like to pick up this knife and and um
I I put the the cold steel against um
my body.
>> Are you all right? Oh, yeah. I'm fired.
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
>> Hey, hey, hey, careful around my
Porsche.
>> Hi, Joey.
>> Hey, how you doing?
>> He has the most amazing Porsche under
there. I'd love to show you, but I just
tucked her in. She's sleeping.
>> Hey, uh, would you two girls like to go
for a drink?
>> Oh,
whoops. Oh, I seem to have dropped my
fork.
Let me just bend over and get it.
[Laughter]
Oh, God.
Okay, enough. This is This is not going
to happen.
>> Oh, come on, Ros. I'm miserable here.
Come on. You started this. Now you
finish it.
>> Come on, West. Big love to me.
>> You know what?
>> What?
>> Forget it.
>> Oh, wow. What? Now, Ross, you're not
going to talk? How on earth will you
ever annoy me?
Oh, wait a minute. I know.
I mean, you think the damn jalapeno
would have cleared up your sinuses, but
no, that's not enough. But what are you
doing?
>> I'm getting that baby out of you.
[Applause]
>> Oh, God.
>> Oh, I know. All of them.
>> I think my water just broke.
>> I am good.
[Music]
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