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Rachel. Oh god, Monica. Hi. Thank God. I
just went to your building and you
weren't there. And then this guy with a
big hammer said that you might be here
and you are. You are. Can I get you some
coffee? Decaf.
Okay, everybody. This is Rachel, a
another Lincoln High survivor. This This
is everybody. This is Chandler and
Phoebe and Joey. And you remember my
brother Ross? Sure.
So, you want to tell us now or are we
waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Oh, God. Well, it started about a half
hour before the wedding. I was in this
room where we were keeping all the
presents and I was looking at this gravy
boat, this really gorgeous Leo gravy
boat. when all of a sudden, sweet and
low, I realized
I realized that I was more turned on by
this gray boat than by Barry. And then I
got really freaked out. And that's when
it hit me how much Barry looks like Mr.
Potato Head.
You know, I mean, I always knew he
looked familiar. But
anyway, I just had to get out of there.
And I started wondering why am I doing
this? And who am I doing this for?
So anyway, I just didn't know where to
go. And I know that you and I have kind
of drifted apart, but you're the only
person I knew who lived here in a city
who wasn't invited to the wedding. Oh, I
was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an
issue. What? You got a job? Are you
kidding? I'm trained for nothing.
I was laughed at 12 interviews today.
And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Well, you would be too if you found Joan
and David boots on sale, 50% off.
Oh, how well you know me.
They're my new I don't need a job. I
don't need my parents. I've got great
boots. Boots.
How'd you pay for them? Uh, credit card.
And who pays for that?
Um, my father.
Come on, you can't live off your parents
your whole life. I know that. That's why
I was getting married.
Give her a break. It's hard being on
your own for the first time. Thank you.
You're welcome. I remember when I first
came to this city, I was 14. My mom had
just killed herself and my stepdad was
back in prison and I got here and I
didn't know anybody and I ended up
living with this albino guy who was like
cleaning windshields outside Port
Authority and then he killed himself
and then I found aromatherapy. So,
believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
The word you're looking for is
anyway.
All right. You ready? I don't think so.
Oh, come on. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.
Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.
[Applause]
Hey. Welcome to the real world. It
sucks. You're going to love it. Never
going out with him again. You know, I
don't care how much he begs. I think his
begging days are over now that he's
going out with Nancy Branson.
You know what? I've just had it with
high school boys. They're just silly.
They're just silly, stupid boys. I'm
going to start dating men.
Uh, I'm sorry, Judy. I couldn't find
that ball you and Jack were looking for.
Call them mom and dad, you loser.
Want to cook? I'm sorry, faves. I I
guess I'm just really sad that I'm
leaving. I'm going to miss you so much.
Well, this doesn't have to be so sad,
though. You know, maybe instead of just
thinking about how much you're going to
miss each other, you should like think
about some of the things that you're not
going to miss.
I don't think there's anything. Come on.
There's got to be something.
She's perfect.
I have one.
Great. Okay, you can go first. Uh, well,
I guess I'm not going to miss the fact
that you're never allowed to move the
phone pin.
That's a good one. Okay, Monica,
anything. You know, does Rachel move the
phone pin?
A sometimes Always
actually.
Okay, good. There you go. Doesn't
everyone feel better?
It's not just the phone pin.
I never get my messages. You get your
messages? Yeah. Well, I don't think it
really counts if you have to read them
off the back of your hand after you fall
asleep on the couch. So So you missed a
message from who? Chandler or your mom?
Or Chandler? Or your mom?
Great. It worked. No one's sad.
Hi. Hi.
What are What are What are these? Oh,
just some pictures I made and hung up.
Thought they brighten up the place. They
do, don't you think?
No. No. No.
I I know that there's no hole there. I I
just really like that picture.
Oh my god, look at this. Okay, but there
is a wire back there. I mean, that
switch is connected to something. I
don't care. The wires have come loose in
your head.
I just thought if I could follow the
wire, I could find out what it did. And
did you? No.
It disappears back there behind that
baseboard. minute there. I thought it
went downstairs,
but it didn't.
Say hello to Mrs. Katraus. Oh my god.
Hello, darling. Hello, Mrs. Katraus.
[Music]
The super couldn't figure out what it
did. The $200 an hour electrician
couldn't figure out what it did.
I've had seven pretty serious shocks.
I officially give up. Thank God.
Guess Joey was right.
Dad's nothing.
I'm doing it. I am totally doing it.
[Music]
I lost it. We have to make it a theme
wedding. And the theme could be look how
much money we've got.
You know, I mean, you could put you
could put money in in the invitations.
You you could have like little money
play settings and uh you could start
with a money salad. I mean, it'll be
dry, but people will like it. But you
stop. We've only been going on a couple
of weeks. I mean, we don't even know if
he's going to propose. Yes, but this is
Pete, okay? He's not like other people.
On your first date, he took you to Rome.
For most guys, that's like a third or
fourth date kind of thing.
Well, if if that's what it is, then it's
it's crazy. Monica's right. We're
talking about getting married here,
okay? She she can't just rush into this.
Oh, what do you know? You married a
lesbian.
Little question for you. How do you
think the suit would look on an
assistant? The owner of Alisandre came
over here to yell at me, but instead I
made him some sauce and he offered me
the job as head chef. Oh my god, you
just ruined the thing I was practicing
the whole way home, but I'm so happy.
Can you believe it? I finally get to run
my own kitchen. Oh, you've waited so
long.
Hey, thieves. Quick question for you.
How do you think the suit would look on
an assistant buyer at Bloomingdales?
I don't know. Totally depend on her
coloring. And uh
You got the job. You got the job? Why
didn't you tell me?
Oh, it's going to be so great. I'm going
to get to help decide what we sell and
I'm going to have an office with walls
and everything. I'm going to have walls.
Give me back my sweater or it's handbag
marinara.
You don't have the guts. Oh, yeah. Well,
at least I wasn't too chicken to tell
some guy I thought he was cute.
Oh. All right. Stop. Stop the madness.
This is crazy. Who can even remember why
you started fighting in the first place?
She knew that I joined him. She would
have to fight first. Yes, that's right.
But still, I look at your purse.
Look at your sweater.
Look at yourselves.
I'll help you fix your sweater.
I'll help you throw out your purse.
I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing
him.
Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when
I knew you liked him.
I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves.
Can't find garbage bags. Oh, well, I
think I saw some in here.
What is it?
I don't know, but maybe if we keep that
drawer shut, it'll die.
[Applause]
We're living here. Come in.
I've been waiting for you.
Hi. I just want Oh my god. Oh my god. My
god. Oh my god. Oh god. I'm sorry.
Sorry. I I was um I was taking a nap.
Since when do you take naps in that
position?
Oh god. Monica, tell me you were waiting
for a guy. Please tell me you're waiting
for a guy. Yes. Yes, I was. A guy from
work.
I'm seeing a guy from work. Ha.
That cute waiter guy from your
restaurant. The one that looks like a
non-threatening Ray Leotaa.
Uhhuh. That one. You know what? Just
give me a second. I'll be out of your
hair. I'm just going to grab a jacket.
When I get back, I want every little
detail.
Maybe that's him. Okay.
Okay. Um,
it's just Joey and Ross.
Why aren't you guys at the movie? Well,
we were, but Ross was talking so loud on
his phone, they threw us out. I had to
talk loud because the movie was loud.
He's talking to London. Oh my god. Did
he get in touch with Emily? Well, no,
not yet. He's calling everyone on her
side of the family, hoping that someone
will help him get in touch with her. I I
don't care if I said some other girl's
name. You prissy old twit.
Ross, way to suck up to the family.
[Laughter]
I'm so glad you guys are all here. My
office finally got wrinkle-free fax
paper. Monica. Monica, look at this
lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to
have this.
Ra, I think we have enough regular
lamps. What? Oh, come on. I mean, it's
it's not like it's not like I'm asking
for this girly clock or anything. Which,
by the way, I also think is really cool.
It doesn't go with any of my stuff.
Well, what about my stuff?
You don't have any stuff.
You still think of it as your apartment,
don't you?
No. Yes, you do. You think of it as your
apartment, and I'm just someone who
rents a room.
[Music]
Okay. Okay, while you m on that for a
while, I'm going to go find a place for
my new land.
[Music]
Hey, Ra. You know what we hadn't played
in a while? What? Hide the lamp.
Hey, Monica, let it go.
Did you know I was allergic to
shellfish? Well, then you'll just have
to eat the other lamps.
Okay. All right. It was an accident. I
swear. All right. I I was I was putting
on my jacket and and the thing and and
the and the lamp and and it broke. Oh,
please, Monica. You've always hated my
lamp. And now all of a sudden it's just
magically it's just broken. Phoebe, tell
her. Okay. I didn't see it cuz I was
putting on my jacket, but um I want to
believe you.
Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my
seashell lamp.
Neat. I'm going to die alone.
Okay, you win.
Oh, what you got there? Something else
that's not yours that you can break?
No. Um, I know you like this and I I
want you to have it. I think it'll look
good in our apartment.
Thank you.
That's fine.
Okay, you know what? I'll have toast.
Oh my god.
[Music]
You guys, you guys, we were we were just
in the storage area and we saw this
really creepy man. He was like this
crazy eyed hairy beast man. He was like
a like a Bigfoot or a yeti or something.
And he came at us with an axe. So Rachel
had to use a bug bomb on him. Yeah. I I
I pulled the tab and I just fogged his
yeti ass.
Uh, like dark hair, bushy beard. Yeah.
Yeah, you fog Danny.
Please. We did not fog Danny. Who's
Danny?
Danny just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he
just got back from like this fourmon
trek in the Andes. Nice fella.
Oh, he's nice. He's nice. You know, you
always stick up for the people we fog.
Give up to her. She's my best friend.
Well, Joey's my best friend. I'm not
your best friend.
You just said,
"Of course you're my best friend.
Would you please tell Rachel, though?"
All right. All right. At least I'm
prepared. Okay.
Oh, yes. Hey. Hey. Hey. These aren't for
you. Are you upset? I am now.
Hey, Roomie.
Okay. Bye.
Ra,
there's something um important I have to
tell you. Are you pregnant?
No, but I'm throwing the shirt away.
I think there was a little
misunderstanding before. Mhm. Um when I
said that uh that Chandler and I wanted
to um live together,
we meant alone together.
Oh my god. Oh, that's funny. I can't
believe I did that. Oh no, sweetie. No.
You know what? This is my fault. I I
wasn't clear. I I'm really sorry. And
And listen, you take as much time as you
need to move out, okay? There's
absolutely no rush.
Okay.
Oh, hi. Hi. Richard just told me he
loved me. Oh my god. I know. Honey,
that's great. I know. I just can't find
other than the top drawer. Hurry. You
need one, too? Oh, yeah.
There's only one. Monica.
Hi. Uh, we'll be right there. We just um
we're trying to decide something.
Rachel.
[Applause]
Hey. Hey.
They're just trying to decide something.
Oh, good, good, good.
So, is um was your mustache it used to
be different?
No. Oh,
how do you uh you know keep it so neat?
I have a little comb. Oh,
and what do you call that? A mustache
comb. Thank you.
Okay. I I will do your laundry for one
month. No. Okay. Okay. Okay. I will I
will I will I Hey, I will clean the
apartment for 2 months. All right. I'll
tell you what. I'll give this to you now
if you can tell me where we keep the
dustpan.
So, were you in, ma'am?
Rock, paper, scissors.
One, two, three. Yes.
Fine. Go have sex.
No, you have got it completely wrong.
John Savage was deer hunter. No legs.
John Voit was coming home. Couldn't feel
his legs. No, no, no way. You've got it
totally the other way around, my friend.
Don Voit was what? What?
Shall we? It's not going to happen.
They're doing it tonight. We can do it
tomorrow.
uh in the future if I could see the
schedule beforehand. Hey, Ra, come on.
You're going to be late for the eye
doctor appointment. All right, let's get
this over with.
Oh no, look what I did.
I mean, look at this mess. I mean, we're
going to probably have to clean this up,
you know? I mean, we're going to have to
reschedu
If you thought that this semester was
going to bother me, you're wrong. All
right, let's go, Blinky.
[Applause]
Oh my god. What does that thing do?
Uh, that's an eye removal machine. All
right, I'm out of I'm kidding. I'm
kidding. Uhoh. Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr.
Miller. Monica told me you were a little
nervous, but don't worry. Everything's
going to be just fine. So, we're done
then. Almost. But first, we got to
start. Okay. This is the glaucoma test.
Uh-huh. Sit down.
Okay. Put your chin here. Mhm.
Now, you're going to feel a small puff
of air in each eye. What? What?
A small puff of air. Now, come on.
Here we go. All right.
One, two, three. Okay.
I'm sorry. All right. I'm going to stay
in here this time. Okay. Ready? Uhhuh.
One, two. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm
going to hold your head. Okay. That's
okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. One. Uh-huh.
Two. I'm sorry. You know what? You're
young. You probably don't have glaucoma.
Okay. Okay. So, it was very, very nice
to meet you, sir. And I'm Hey, what are
you? Are you crazy? Okay, you got a
small minor infection in that left eye.
I want you to take these drops three
times a day for a week and you'll be as
good as new. Yeah. No, I I don't I don't
put things in my eye. Okay, then I guess
we'll see you back here in 3 months.
Great. And I'll fit you for a glass eye.
Okay, just give me the damn drops.
Dr. Miller.
P E CF D.
Very good, Monica.
You know where they are. I sure do.
And you don't get one.
Okay.
Not even close. Okay. Well, then you
know what? Help me. I need help. I can
do this. All right. Come on. Let's do
it. Come on. All right. Sit down. All
right. All right. Put your head back.
Yes. All right. Okay. Now, open your
eyes. Okay. They are.
How many fingers am I holding up? Four.
Oh my god. I was thinking four. Really?
Yes. All right. You know what? Why don't
we start with a practice one? Okay.
Okay. No drops. Great. Okay. Okay. All
right. On three. One, two, three.
My pillow's all wet. Well, well, you
said it was practice. Then why did you
move? Because I knew you were lying.
All right, come here. What are you
doing? it, Monica. Stop it. Oh my
god. Stop it. I am going. I'm going to
turn it over. I'm I going and get
these arms in your eyes. Oh my god, you
really are freakishly strong.
Oh my god.
Damn, it's empty.
Well, you know, if Joey and Chandler
walked in right now, we could make a
fortune.
Can you pass me a TV guide? Yeah.
Oh my god. Hold it open. Okay.
We'll see you in about three or four
hours.
Pump it up. Open it up. Open up.
We'll discuss it in the morning.
What the hell is going on?
We took our apartment back.
I had nothing to do with it.
Okay. It was my idea, but I don't feel
good about it.
We are switching back right now. No,
we're not. We're not leaving. Well,
you're going to have to leave sometime
because you both have jobs and as soon
as you do, we're switching it back.
There's nothing you can do to stop us,
right, Joe? I don't know.
What? I don't want to move again with
the and
I don't care. This is our apartment and
they stole. You stole
our apartment. We won that apartment
fair and square twice and I am getting
it back right now. I'm getting it back
right now.
All right.
We figured you might respond this way.
So, we have a backup offer. Oh, no. No,
no, no more offers. You can't offer
anything to us. Let us keep the
apartment.
And as a thank you,
Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Totally worth it. That was one good
minute. Good night. Good night.
Men are such idiots.
Could you believe something that stupid
actually got us our apartment back?
That's so funny to think. If you had
just done that right after the last
contest, no one would have had to move
at all.
Let's pretend that's not true. Yeah.
[Music]
There she is. She's so beautiful.
Oh my god,
she's amazing.
Oh, I'm so glad you guys got drunk and
had sex.
It's incredible. I mean, one minute
she's inside you and then 47 hours
later, here she is.
She looks so real.
You know what I mean? Okay, my turn. My
turn. Pho. Oh, baby. Oh, you're so cute.
Oh, I could squeeze your little head.
I won't.
What's the matter? Nothing. I'm sorry. I
just can't stop crying. The doctor said
it's completely normal with all the
hormones. Plus, you you're sleepd
deprived. So, you guys are all
sleepdeprived. I don't see you weeping
cuz you put your slippers on the wrong
feet.
Oh, God. What's the matter now? I was
reliving it.
So, do you know what you're going to
call her yet? Oh, wait a minute. It's
not going to be baby girl. I thought
that was so original.
Uh, actually, we we've narrowed it down
to two names. Yeah. And you know what? I
love them both. So, why don't you just
pick one and that'll be it.
Wow. Um,
okay. Uh, everyone,
this
is Isabella.
Oh, I love his brother. Hi.
What? That's not her name.
I'm sorry. She just doesn't feel like an
Isabella. What was the other one, Ros?
Um, Delilah. Oh, great. Suddenly, she
sounds like a biblical
So, I guess we're back to uh baby girl.
Yay.
Well, what are we going to do? It's
okay, honey. You'll find a name. Easy
for you to say. You already know what
your kids' names are going to be. You
do? Yeah. I had them picked out since I
was 14. Oh, no. It's going to be named
after some snack or baked good, isn't
it?
Well, tell us. What are they? Um, okay.
If it's a boy, it's Daniel. And if it's
a girl, I don't want to say. Oh, don't
tell us. We're not going to want it.
Okay,
it's Emma.
Emma.
See, I don't want it.
Take it.
What?
She's clearly an Emma. Oh, hey. But you
love that name.
Yeah, but I love you more.
Besides, you know, nothing goes with
being, so I'm screwed.
So, whose idea was it to put everybody
in the diner on skates? Some idiot
customer put a suggestion in the
suggestion box. Oh my god, they took my
idea. That was you? Yeah.
Okay, there you go. Rachel, I made you a
call. call. Oh my, it's so bad.
Oh my god. Are you guys okay?
Oh my.
All right, Monica, if there is something
that you would like to share. You know,
you had no right to go out with him.
That is the most ridiculous. You sold me
out. I did not sell you. I absolutely
sold.
Did you just flick me?
Okay. Well, you wouldn't let me finish
and I was just Ow, that hurt.
Quit flicking. Ow. You flicking. You
flipped me first. Get it. Ow.
No, let's not do this. Let's pause.
Happy.
[Music]
Okay, now I'm going to kick the ass.
All right, now I will let go if you both
stop. What do you you want me to stop
seeing him? Is that what you want?
Uhhuh. You want me to just call him up
and tell him that you're seeing him
instead? Is that what you want? Okay.
Oh, that's what you want? Yes.
Fine. Fine. There we go.
You know what? If we were in prison, you
guys would be like my
[Applause]
Hey. Hey. Hey. Where's Ra? Oh, she's uh
she's putting Emma down. She'll be over
in a second. Now, it just hit her that
she's leaving and she's kind of
emotional, so no one say anything to set
her off. Okay. Yeah.
There she is.
Hi, you guys.
What did I just say?
No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay. I'm
going to be fine. Come here. I'll make
you a drink. Okay.
All right. Well, if I'm going to do
this, I better keep going. Great. Okay.
Monica. Yeah. Will you come here with me
for a minute? Sure.
Are you wearing waterproof mascara? No.
Oh, you're so screwed.
Okay, I better just say what it is I'm
going to say.
None of the amazing things that have
happened to me in the last 10 years
would have happened if it wasn't for
you.
No one has been more like a sister to
me. I know what you mean.
You're like a sister to me, too.
I don't know what I'm going to do
without you.
You're the greatest I ever
seen you.
What?
[Music]
[Applause]
That is so sweet.
[Music]
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