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(duck quacking)
(birds tweeting)
(person with T-shirt exhaling loudly)
(bed sheets rustling)
- [Instructor] Here's
another quick tutorial
on how to ruin the rest of your life.
Step one: close your body language.
Go throughout life with
a closed body language.
Slouch your shoulders.
Keep your head down.
Don't make eye contact.
Don't give anybody the impression
that you're someone they can talk to
or someone they can trust.
Appearing socially unreceptive
will reduce the amount
of friends you make and keep
spontaneous human interaction
to a minimum, which is great.
Now, hopefully everyone
can just get outta your way
and leave you alone.
(melancholy soft music)
Step two: check your phone.
When in doubt, check your phone,
even if you don't know why.
Always look occupied, so
you don't have to interact
with anybody you're not
comfortable interacting with.
It could be awkward or
unpredictable, so don't risk it.
Tickle your brainstem whenever
you don't know what to do.
Make this your default.
Do it so often that you genuinely forget
how people are supposed to interact,
further solidifying
this automatic behavior.
Step three: be late.
Never be early to anything.
Always tend to show up right
on time or a few minutes late.
Don't give anybody the
impression that you're prepared,
diligent, or have decent
time management skills.
You don't wanna come across as too keen.
Plus, being early is awkward.
What if you have to talk
with somebody you don't really know?
Like, what are you gonna do?
Make a new friend?
Anyways, when you do run late
or make any kind of mistake in life,
you should always make excuses.
Always have some sort of half-baked reason
why you did a bad thing.
Blame something; anything but yourself.
Never own up to your mistakes
or try earnestly to correct them.
Just cycle through a rotation of excuses
and keep track of how
recently you've used them.
The bottom line is that
you should never admit
that your wrongdoing is your fault,
even when you know it is.
Lose track of the last
time you apologized.
Number five: develop an
external locus of control.
Begin to actually believe
that nothing is your fault.
Choose to believe that
everything in your life happens
to you and nothing because of you;
that you had no part to
play in your misfortune.
Doing this will trick your
subconscious into relinquishing
control of your fortune as well.
You'll begin to believe that success
will just happen to you.
(dog barking)
(hand knocking on door)
Step six: steal the spotlight.
Always find a way to
steer the conversation
back to yourself.
Whatever story you just
heard isn't as crazy
as that thing that happened
to you that one time.
Never ask anybody how they're doing,
and if you do, out of courtesy,
take the mic back as soon as possible.
After all, how are you supposed
to get any validation without
talking about yourself?
And you need as much
validation as you can get.
Acting this way around
other people will make you
so exhausting to be around
that you'll find yourself
slowly losing friends
instead of gaining them.
Step seven: detract.
On the off-chance that you're
not talking about yourself,
make sure to talk about
others in a negative light,
especially if you can find someone else
who shares your toxicity.
Cackle and sneer at people you don't like.
Convince yourself that
they should know better.
Become so proficient at
noticing the flaws in others
that it becomes an automatic reflex.
Let any celebration or
words of affirmation
sour in your wake.
Serve every compliment on your backhand.
Step eight: shapeshift.
Say one thing, do another.
Act one way in front of others
and another way behind closed doors.
Live your life as if you're
several different people.
Be unpredictable, even
to yourself; a chameleon.
Whatever you need to
be at any given moment,
be so unfamiliar with
your own moral standards
that you lose any sense of identity.
Step nine: wish.
Never surrender yourself
to the effort of planning
or the humility of prayer.
Simply wish for things to be different.
Fantasize daily about your perfect world
and your perfect life.
Reject the cards you've been dealt.
Refuse to play an active role
in the shaping of your destiny.
Just wait for the knight in shining armor
to come prancing down the hill.
Step 10: shrink.
Regularly participate in
activities that steal your life.
Don't engage in behaviors
that make you feel strong.
Always take the path of least resistance.
Convince yourself that
what's good for you is bad
and what's bad for you is good.
Step 11: despair.
Believe that you are
unworthy of redemption,
that somehow your flaws are unforgivable.
Actively reject your own forgiveness.
Subscribe to the idea that,
no matter what you do,
you're destined for condemnation.
Believe that you are fundamentally bad,
and since human beings tend to act
according to what they believe they are,
this will make it much easier
to continue doing bad things.
It's just who you are.
Live your life as if you've
been dead for 20 years
and it's already too
late to change anything.
You had your shot.
It's over.
(melancholy soft music ends)
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(despondent piano music)
(despondent piano music continues)
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