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ADULT SHELDON:
Of all the afflictions
that can befall a child,
one reigns supreme.
Beyond scraped knees
and paper cuts,
nothing strikes fear into the
hearts of kids around the world
like a splinter.
(distorted):
No!
Tell me why you were pretending
to have amnesia.
I've got a splinter!
So?
So, it's an emergency!
Call Meemaw!
Oh, calm down.
-We can take care of this.
-No, we can't!
Sheldon, if we can't handle
a little splinter,
they're never gonna leave us
alone again.
You're right.
So, what do we do?
Let me see it.
Oh, boy.
That's a deep one.
Hey, it's throbbing
really bad.
Mom would take it out
with tweezers.
Well, where would
we find tweezers?
Let's see what we got.
Band-Aids...
cotton balls.
What's "gowz"?
It's gauze, and the fact
that you don't know that
is not filling
me with hope.
Where would Mom
keep the tweezers?
-Sometimes she uses
a needle on splinters.
-No.
No needles. Anything
but needles.
Wait, she has tweezers
in her makeup bag.
She plucks her eyebrows
with them.
And sometimes her mustache.
♪
♪
Anything?
Nope.
Wait.
Maybe they're
in her room.
We're not allowed to go
in Mom and Dad's room.
Want me to get the needle?
(whispering):
Let's make this quick.
Why are you whispering?
That's how people speak
when they're being naughty.
I wouldn't know.
I'm naughty all the time.
♪
♪
You're really not coming in?
No. But you're doing great.
♪
(sighs)
What's wrong?
This really is naughty.
I told you.
♪
I don't see anything.
There's just a Bible
and a flashlight.
-(phone ringing)
-(screams)
(screams)
What do I do?
Answer it but sound calm.
♪
Hello.
Hey, it's Dad.
How you guys doing?
We're great.
I'm watching TV,
and Sheldon's reading quietly.
(sighs)
I knew you could handle this.
-I'm proud of you.
-You know what?
I'm proud of us, too.
Uh... (chuckling):
Okay, baby doll,
I'll be home in a couple hours.
Stay out all night.
We got this.
Wha... Love you, too.
(chuckles softly)
That was intense.
I don't think I'm cut out
for this latchkey life.
-(phone ringing)
-(both scream)
You answer it this time.
I can't; I'm supposed to be
reading quietly.
Answer it, Sheldon.
Well, I'm not going in there.
Hello. Cooper residence.
Sheldon speaking.
Hey, Shelly.
Oh, hello, Mom.
How's your day going?
Shelly?
Shelly? Shelly? You there?
Yes, I'm here.
She wants to know
how my day's going.
Say it's going good.
-I can't say that.
-Why not?
-It's bad grammar.
-How are you supposed to say it?
"It's going well."
Oh, that's nice.
I've got to get back to work,
but I love you
and miss you very much.
Okay.
I handled that really well.
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