Close But No Cigar
By
Weird Al Yankovic
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("Close But No Cigar")
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Jillian was her name ♪
♪ She was sweeter than aspartame ♪
♪ Her kisses reconfigured my DNA ♪
♪ And after that I never was the same ♪
♪ And I loved her even more than ♪
♪ Marlon Brando loved souffle ♪
♪ She was gorgeous, she was charming ♪
♪ Yeah, she was perfect in every way ♪
♪ Except she was always
using the word infer ♪
♪ When she obviously meant imply ♪
♪ And I know some guys would
put up with that kind of thing ♪
♪ But frankly, I can't imagine why ♪
♪ And I told her, I said ♪
♪ Hey, are we playing horseshoes, honey ♪
♪ No, I don't think we are ♪
♪ You're close, close ♪
♪ But no cigar ♪
♪ Then I met sweet young Janet ♪
♪ Prettiest thing on the planet ♪
♪ Had a body hotter than a habanero ♪
♪ She had lips like a ripe pomegranate ♪
♪ And I was crazy like Manson about her ♪
♪ She got me all choked
up like Mama Cass ♪
♪ She had a smile so incredibly radiant ♪
♪ You had to watch it through
a piece of smoked glass ♪
♪ I thought after all these
years of searchin' around ♪
♪ I'd found my soul mate finally ♪
♪ But one day I found out
she actually owned a copy ♪
♪ Of Joe Dirt on DVD ♪
♪ Aw, no I said ♪
♪ Hey, are we lobbing
hand grenades, kiddo ♪
♪ No, I don't think we are ♪
♪ You're close, close ♪
♪ Aw, so very close, close ♪
♪ Yeah, baby, you're
close, close, so close ♪
♪ But no cigar ♪
♪ Ah yeah ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ Ah yeah ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ Ah right ♪
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Julie played water polo ♪
♪ She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo ♪
♪ She had me sweatin' like
Nixon every time she was near ♪
♪ My heart was beatin'
like a Buddy Rich solo ♪
♪ And she was everything I've dreamed of ♪
♪ She moved right up to
number one on my list ♪
♪ And did I mention she's a
world famous billionaire ♪
♪ Bikini supermodel astrophysicist ♪
♪ Yeah, she was so pretty
she made Charlize Theron ♪
♪ Look like a big fat slobberin' pig ♪
♪ The only caveat is
one of her ear lobes ♪
♪ Was just a little tiny bit too big ♪
♪ I said ♪
♪ Hey, are we doin' government work here ♪
♪ No, I don't think we are ♪
♪ You're close, close ♪
♪ So very, very close, close ♪
♪ Aw, baby, you're
close, close, so close ♪
♪ But no cigar ♪
♪ Missed it by that much ♪
♪ Nose and all ♪
♪ Aw yeah, all right ♪
♪ Really, really, really close ♪
♪ But no cigar ♪
