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there you go that's gate 11 okay who's
next please meanwhile back at checkin
it's a very special day for this happy
couple where are you flying to today
Disneyland Los Angeles we're getting
married in Disneyland a congratulations
yeah thanks right just need to washer a
couple of security questions did you
pack the cases yourself yes we did
unfortunately we didn't receive any help
from the seven dwares and do your bags
contain any sharp objects no only the
bur
Necessities we both love Disney don't we
it's all right we've actually bought a
personal DVD player with us so he can
watch The Aristocats on the flight we
watched that one last night yeah but you
do actually have to watch The Aristocats
more than once to really appreciate the
nuances it's a great film The Arista
cats I shouldn't really like it because
I am actually allergic to cats she comes
out in her rash but luckily these are
cartoon cats so they never come out the
screen I'm telling you when Bambi's
mother died I cried every day for a
fortnite I'm sorry Jeff I'm not putting
myself through that again oh look can we
go in there in case they got something
Disney it's a chemist yeah but they
might have some we need the pool to pads
come on why do I like Disney so
much probably cuz I'm quite
thick Simon and Jackie Trent are
Britain's first husband and wife pilot
team set heading 092 heading 092 set set
speed
470 speed 470 I haven't finished setting
the speed yet Simon sorry can we just do
one thing at a time
please right the speed is set well I've
been flying commercially for 15 years
now and Jackie was a dental nurse I was
a dental hygienist there is a difference
you know that Simon you do know that he
does know that and then Jackie felt she
wanted to retrain and become a pilot he
had an affair he had an affair with one
of the stewardesses it wasn't an affair
it was a one night thing well that makes
it worse how does that make it worse it
just does I did what any woman would do
I spent 5 years retraining as a pilot
and now I come on all the flights with
him we decided it was the best way
forward yeah you decided it was the best
please don't undermine me all the time
Simon yes 5 years later here I am
qualified as the first officer and it
saved our marriage it's allowed us to
trust each other again isn't
it
yeah where you going Simon I'm just
going to the toilet you went to the
toilet over Norway that was over an hour
ago who are you going to be talking to
Simon who are you going to be screwing
in the
toilets what not always easy uh you know
living together working together I mean
we have squabbles like any married
couple not like any married cup or when
one of them's had an
affair the early morning our lady Air
flight from Cork has hit turbulence but
cabin crew member ferle is quick to
reassure his passengers hello do your
name
Holly your mommy tells me you've been
feeling a wee bit scared is that right
yeah she just gets a little bit
frightened especially with all the T
Ence oh you don't need to worry about
that that's just like a we little pocket
of air like driving along a bumpy road
you see yeah I I've got somebody who's
going to look after you would you like
to meet him yeah hello my name is
Brandon Oar I'd like to be your best
friend oh say thank you thank you 35
year
old Ian foot is the airport's Chief
immigration officer his job is to Prov
vent illegal immigrants from entering
the
UK working in Immigration you do
sometimes get labeled with the racism
tag I do take my job very seriously but
I'm not in any way racist in fact one of
my best friends is friends with a man
who's black and he's very
black oh yeah man he's black
yeah earlier today Ian stopped a
passenger at passport control whom he
believes is trying to gain unlawful
access into the
country do you
understand why I have brought you
here no I don't well it's clear to me
that you've got a forged passport no I
haven't oh it's a forgery all right very
good one I'll grant you that but uh
there is one slight giveaway and what is
that there is no such country as Liberia
yes there is it's in Africa oh in Africa
you say it's on a map look on a map all
right I will look on a map yeah I think
I'm going to enjoy this
right Liberia you say yes yes got a new
one Chris
Liberia Africa Africa Africa okay so Mrs
Mutu would you be so kind has to point
out the location of this so-called
Liberia
there oh yes just hidden underneath the
early
own what I'm going to do is I'm going to
let you in this time but I would advise
you in future to travel with a large
Atlas or Globe so you can prove to
people you haven't made up your country
good day this is the
disgraceful you are a very ignorant man
all right I am disgusted by the way that
I have been treated okay may I Live Now
yes you have insulted the people of my
country yeah I'm actually on my lunch
break now so anything else you say
doesn't really count
oh don't know what R her
[Music]
cage people come from far and wide to
work at the airport
Tommy is obsessed with planes and it's
always been his dream to work in the
aviation industry I really really really
want to be a pilot but I found out that
you have to have passed lots of exam ex
tests to be one so what I've decided to
do instead is to get myself a job at the
airport and then work my way up to being
a
pilot uh
cheeseburger press cheeseburger
large chocolate
milkshake press large chocolate
milkshake chicken
nuggets press chicken
nuggets two apple
pies press apple pie
press it again I find it quite
complicated but now that I've served my
first customer I think I'm definitely on
my way to becoming a pilot now ask would
you like fries for that would you like
fries for that yeah not me him so next
time you're on a plane listen out
because you might just hear a voice
saying ladies and gentlemen welcome on
board this is Captain Tommy speaking
would you like fries with
that the Our Lady Air flight to Dublin
is boarding and ferle is breaking in a
new
steward I'm really excited about today
as it goes cuz I just qualified as a
steward this is me first ever flight and
you know being stew is great you know uh
the money's not bad you get to travel a
lot and uh me loes a birds
right or cocko van or cocko van I had a
cocko van last name all right yeah my
friend just bought a Transit
Co I might be wrong but I got a feeling
that the guy I'm working with could be
gay get you I ain't got nothing against
him but I'm not one myself so what I'm
going to do is I'm going to suddenly
mention that I'm straight and uh hope he
get a message any D free today any free
today any D free today any free to any
duty free for you today any duty free
for you today any duty free for you
today yes I'm Chanel Number five please
oh certainly madam there you go that's
what my girlfriend
likes oh right yeah I bought for me
girlfriend cuz me girlfriend likes it
cuz I really love me
girlfriend
great
girlfriend I don't know what it is about
Lee but I'm getting quite a gay vibe
from him mind you you know what they say
what's the difference between a straight
man and a bisexual two pins a
lger another pine of lger yeah all right
before their return flight tomorrow Lee
and fergo have been booked into a hotel
in Dublin what's up Ain you drinking no
I like to stay in
control you ra me
up so why can't stand on
mountains You Raise Me
Up to walk of storm re see
Simon and Jackie Trent are Britain's
first husband and wife pilot Team 5
years ago Simon had an affair but the
couple are Keen to put the incident
behind them having retrained as a pilot
Jackie now accompanies Simon on all his
flights obviously it can be stressful
you you live together you work together
you I don't find it stressful what I'm
saying is you know sometimes there is
that danger that you've had a row at
home and you bring it into work no not a
problem for
me Swift bir 240° to intercept the ILS
240 degrees to intercept the ILS swift
bird swift bird when established clear
to descend on the ILS for Runway 27
right report at for Delta clear to
descend on the ILS swift
bird can I just say you've got a really
lovely
voice uh thank you yeah just got really
lovely velvety
tones thanks I'm first officer Jackie
Trent by the
way uh I'm Nigel Stow uh nice to speak
to you Jackie
out are you on
Facebook repeat that over are you on
Facebook over Jackie I just really want
to see what you look
like uh for the record I'm tall I've got
black hair and a mustache you sound po
over Jackie we've begun out of scent I
need you to concentrate oh excuse me
Simon I'm not the one who screwed
someone
else just to say you're clear for Final
Approach thank
you did you Sky PL strictly yes who we'
all did Peter sorry Judith when we
boarded the flyow cruise liner we were
shown to our qu
in the bowels of the ship only to
discover that our cabin was flooded way
steep with sea water but we thought oh
let's get on with it it's only our
bottom halfes they're going to get wet
so we set sail Peter I'm talking it's
very rude sorry Judas so we set sail and
we'd only just left the port at Athens
when it emerged that all 780 passengers
on board the vessel had contracted
dentry you had to queue for 14 P you and
I are going to come to blows in a
minute you had to queue for 14 hours to
use the lever Well we'd been waiting 13
hours and it was very nearly our turn
when we heard gunshots and discovered
that the boat had been boarded by
Pirates they rounded up all the
passet They rounded up all the
passengers on deck and singled out Peter
and I and took us hostage which meant we
missed the buffet we were then taken to
a room and told that one of us was going
to have to perform sexual acts upon the
Pirates at gunpoint well I po my hand in
the air and volunteered Peter but before
my husband had a chance to engage in
anything other than mile foreplay with
three of the men the boat was stormed by
the Greek Coast Guard there was a Sho
tow bodies everywhere and just as I
thought surely this Cruise can't get any
worse we discovered that the cab that
night was John baram that's when I voke
down our lady air cabin crew fergo and
Lee are working the return flight from
Dublin
what open last night was very much a
oneoff I've told fergo that I think just
cuz you have sex with a guard don't make
you gay Lee certainly knows how to
please a man it was mindblowing he threw
me around the room like a ragd doll it
was the most intense animalistic erotic
Encounter of my
life your girlfriend don't see this
Tommy came to the airport to pursue his
dream of becoming a pilot but so far
he's only made it as far as happy burer
yeah it's going really well I'm near a
pilot just yet but I have got three
stars on my name badge uh this one was
for being a week this one was for
putting the cheese into cheeseburgers
and this one was for mopping up sick in
fact they're so impressed with me
they've actually made me be assistant
supervisor so now it's my job to train
up the new staff can I have a burger
please burger burger Fresh Burger freshh
burger onion rings onion rings onion
rings press onon Rings press on
rings I do still like to have the
supervisor with me just to make sure I'm
doing it right fries fries fries what
size fries what fries size what fries
fries small small small press small then
press small then
strawberry milkshake strawberry
milkshake chocolate milkshake no
strawberry milkshake no strawberry
milkshake no strawberry milkshake I have
to be careful though if I get too many
stars there's a danger I may become over
qualified to be a pilot can I have the
code for the toilet please can I have
the code for the toilet please can I
have the code for the toilet please
295
245 361 Penny's flight to New York is
just minutes from takeoff
look at her disgusting little piggy oh
look at him guzzling champagne like some
filthy Backstreet Wier H excuse me would
you take a phot office please right
that's it I what have we done wrong lwd
Behavior excuse me loutishness
coarseness an all around General uksm
come on on your feet chop chop out we're
not going anywhere you've been nothing
but rude to us since the moment we got
here
air air air air raage unfortunately I
had no option but to have those two
passengers ejected from the plane stand
up please stand up for me please mam my
recommendation will be that they are
banned from all future air travel so
perhaps next time they're on a plane
they'll think about their
behavior well they won't be on a plane
but you know what I mean every day
thousands of items of luggage pass
through the
airport there Ed by handers like John
and his son Terry n this ain't the
easiest job in the world this all people
do is moan abouts don't they Dad yeah
they say we're always on strike or
always stealing stuff from the luggage
yeah but if we're on strike we can't be
stealing stuff from the luggage can we
and if we're stealing stuff from the
luggage we must be at work so the idea
that we're always doing both at the same
time is just not true yeah people moan
that their bags always end up in the
wrong places so the thing is if we
supposed to get a bag on a flight to New
York and we miss it we just sling it on
a plate to Delhi then at least that way
the passenger's got the Peace of Mind of
knowing that their bag has left Landon
yeah and the cases are getting heavy up
oh yes a nightmare some people can't go
abroad without taking the kitchen sink
nowadays well ain't a problem for you
you don't lift no cases no more now I
put me back out 200 2003 so I don't lift
no bags no more nah n I'm lucky not to
be in a wheelchair me yeah you was only
lifting an umbrella yeah had a woodn't
handle
though sh S I would like a complaint
form please what's the problem well we
booked a holiday through your so-call
company and we have had the holiday from
hell it was our anniversary so we booked
to go to Cyprus it all started when we
got off the plane yes thank you Peter it
all started when we got off the plane
and discovered that the flyow hotel
complex hadn't been built yet it was
just a mound of Earth well that was was
our first disappointment but we thought
ho home let's get on with it and we dug
a hole in the ground and stayed there we
B for a continental V yes thank you
Peter we booked for a continental
breakfast meats and cheeses a selection
of pastries a choice of tea or coffee
but there was no food at all not a
sausage yeah you're now complicating
matters Peter because In fairness to fly
low they never promis sausages sorry j
this apology accepted Peter yes there
was no food whatsoever but we thought ho
hum no point Point feeling sorry for
ourselves and we survived on a diet of
insects and grubs I'm a vegetarian so I
just ate soil yes I was coming to that
Peter Peter is a vegetarian so he just
ate soil now the problem was I don't
know if the soil hadn't been cooked
properly but Peter had a very very bad
upset stomach new stools oh Peter don't
be disgusting we don't need to hear
about that sorry Jud thisth Peter had
very loose stalls and for the remainder
of the trip was lying on the ground
touching his guts with a cork up his
anus wasn't the worst holiday we've been
on but it's certainly up there we're
flying to Rome today so I put in a
special food order for all the we
Italian folk on board for Stardust we e
melon with palas Pam then spaghetti
hoops and for
dessert a
corneto we were meant to have some nice
Italian red wine but it didn't arrive so
I'm just giving everyone a card and AR
Rina right who's ready for lunch we you
be dining this today we you be dining
yes please father ordered a special meal
that's right 17d Mr ammed yes I have it
right here there we are thank you oh
excuse me I ordered the halang meal what
have I given you you've given me a
kosher meal what it's all the same isn't
it no no Halal me is for Muslims and the
Koshi for Jews I think you'll find
there's only one true God and that's
Christian God enjoy your meal will you
be dining with us today will you be
dining with us today these number so
early today is because it's a we Lassie
who went at Flo chicken and I really
fancy her she most beautiful woman I've
ever seen thought she's so beautiful she
shouldn't be working here she should be
working at tanning salon I've never
actually spoke to her in the flesh but
last week I sent a love letter with a
chicken nugget C tape to it and today is
a big day cuz I'm going to ask her if
she wants to come out to dinner with me
tonight in fact I've actually booked a
table at KFC so fingers crossed
there's a queue
here
wait next please thank you sir where you
flying to
today baggage handlers at the
airport have their part to play in
keeping air travel safe one of the
things I like to do is carry out my own
personal security checks not part of our
official room is it dead no boy but I
feel it giv a public piece of mind you
know right what we got here yeah that
one looks good this one yeah Lou Von
yeah that yeah right okay it's got a
lock on it ah let no
B on there there we
go
right oh hello yeah you see now very
common is the laptop this could have
illegal images on it so we'll uh take
that home for further analysis right
right what else we got Alo gucky now the
thing about the shoes you can have
explosive devices in the heels so uh
we'll also take them home plus their my
size
look here we go very common problem this
the iPod yeah now you're not allowed to
have these on on take off or Landing
yeah we not going to be able to use it
it'll be in the H quite the principal
son right what we got in here what's it
chainel pour on now you're not allowed
liquids on board so uh yeah we set that
down now oh there an A in here you're
not allowed them we should take that out
hey we're not going to get nothing for
that down the market are we silly sod
right that one's good to
go yes I decided that the best thing to
do was for us to separate well actually
I said it first yeah but I thought of it
before you said it so technically Simon
it was my decision yeah I mean we're
still working together obviously uh
we're still living together we've only
got one bed room so we're still sharing
a bed the only difference really is that
we're not physically intimate with each
other well we haven't been for 5 Years
anyway no so I've just started
dogging really yes fance where did you
do that I'm the coldest sack what and
other people are there having sex yes we
having a gay old time anyone I know I
don't know I've only seen them from ways
down next please Tommy is still waiting
to ask Melody out for dinner and has now
been queuing for over an hour who's next
please you're next Who's Next
please hello where are you flying to
today
uh
pragi you mean Prague he next please do
you have a
ticket uh no okay tickets are
£375 right I didn't quite go according
to plan I've got to fly to the cze
Republic now which I shouldn't really do
cuz I'm supposed to start work in 10
minutes oh uh can you call KFC for me
and tell them I'm sorry but I'm going to
have to let the table
go by way of apology for the previous
debacle fow offered us a very good deal
on a package holiday to Colombia now as
soon as we came out of b as soon as came
out of bogatar airport Peter was bitten
by rabid dog within minutes he was
howling and foaming at the mouth my
first thought was can I have Peter put
down I looked into it but the doctor
said it was unethical yes thank you
Peter but the doctor said it was
unethical Peter became more and more ill
I had diarrhea and was projecti our
vomiting Peter don't be so cruel sorry
Judas Peter had diara and was projectile
vomiting if you'd spun him round you'd
have thought he was a Catherine whe so
we decided so I decided that the best
course of action was to take the first
plane home now while we were waiting at
the airport very Charming Man called
Carlos approached me and offered me
$5,000 to take his briefcase through
customs I had reservations Peter had
reservations but we were saving up for
loft conversion so I said yes and gave
the briefcase to Peter's Carri well we
learned the Peter if I could just get a
word in edgeway Sor you this I should
hope so too Peter when we landed in
England Peter was stopped at Customs
they searched the briefcase and found 20
kg of cocaine with a street value of
half a million Peter was arrested and is
looking at a prison sentence of no less
than 12 years if I had to make the
holiday out of five I'd struggle to give
it more than
three it was going to be a quiet day
anyway we only had two passengers booked
into first class and the passengers in
question have just cancell which is a
dreadful
shame hi Penny did you get the message
yeah Such a Pity they canceled no no no
no no the message about helping us out
in
economy piss
off Penny hasn't had to work in economy
for 20 years but today she has no
choice when you draw back to curtain uh
the first thing that really hits you is
the stench and it's the stench of The
Working Man I mean they're virtually
like apes you know so if if you come at
them with some food
they start attacking you
hot
hot hot I'm all right thanks no you
should take a hotel I I don't want it no
you need to take it I told you no
right Hotel our lady air cabin crew
member ferle is desperate to win the
steward of the Year competition but on
today's flight to Barcelona he's being
less than atten
as he's waiting for the nominations to
be announced well you're not supposed to
have your phone on during the flight it
can't interfere with the aircraft's
navigation system and could cause the
plane to crash but this is obviously a
very important
call ladies and gentlemen thank you for
flying our lady air we're about to begin
our so please fasten your seab bels and
see three Mar Excuse me yes we've only
been in the air for 40 minutes we can't
be landing in Barcelona yet no we are
we're landing at Shannon Barcelona
Shannon Barcelona that's right Shaman in
Island yes Madam in order to keep our
fair prices competitive we do sometimes
land at airports a little further away
from the city center but we're Landing
in Ireland that's nowhere near Barcelona
oh no don't worry a short coach transfer
to your final destination is included in
the price of your ticket chanon to Ross
Lair catch the ferry down a over over to
Cal through France across the Pyrenees
and into Barcelona in time for your
evening meal which evening Tuesday
that's absolutely excuse me can you
watch your language please Madam no I'm
just I don't want to have to use the
restraints hello
hello
hello can you turn the thrusters down I
can hardly hear thank you
yes really oh that's fantastic news
thank you so much I'll see you there yes
excuse me yeah you're not allowed to use
mobile phones on an airplane I could
report you for that oh really well I've
just been nominated for steart of the
year so shove that up your fat
ass mushroom it's 2 hours into the
flight to Florida and Penny is
struggling to come to terms with her new
environment don't touch me the noise the
people there's only one word to describe
Savages and I just poked my head in the
laboratorium it's positively medieval in
there
ladies and people of cattle class may I
have your attention please I have just
returned from an inspection of the
onboard convenience and one of you has
left it in a revolting State who didn't
flush come on who didn't
flush it was someone who had the
mushroom Roto hands up if you had the
mushroom Roto this whole frightful
situation would never occur in First
Class People In First Class don't forget
to flush they're very diligent flushers
and if they do it doesn't matter because
their stools are perfectly formed and
odor
free it's 10: a.m. and back down on the
ground the airport's flying school has a
very nervous visitor would you like to
come in now please happy Burger employee
Tommy is determined to follow his dream
of becoming a pilot and today he has a
make or break interview at the Flying
school
right name
Tommy Tommy what Tommy Reed
age
20
202
22 current
occupation
burus and what is your main
responsibility oh
buns qualifications do you have any GCS
uh well you see we don't have gcss in
Scotland we just have standards oh I'm
sorry do you have any standards no
do you have any hobbies or interests no
come on must be a think of something
oh
no finally do you have any medical
conditions that would prevent you from
becoming a pilot fear of
flying I think it went really well in
fact I don't think it could have gone
much better I wouldn't have be surprised
if they let me fly a plane tomorrow
oh did I get it sorry did I get it we'll
write to you oh no don't do that I can
read think I got it meanwhile in baggage
handling the strike is having an
unexpected effect I'm all for going on
strike me we don't work for fly L day
yeah but solidarity though ain't it boy
with my flyow brothers what about all
those cases from lown answer no point
the principal won't touch him right I'm
off where you going going on boy well
when you g can you do your washing up no
mate I'm on strike can
I question 41 at the pub Ray has decided
to host a quiz in a last Stitch effort
to keep his customers for more than 6
minutes George
Carter don't shout it out just write it
down question 2 a sporting teaser for
you how many ds championships has Eric
Bristo
won question 43 cotney Duo Chaz and Dave
had four top 10 heads can you name them
come back here right where are you going
right leave it what nickname was given
to the former England cricket captain
Ian bam get off a woman got a p c this
popular Irish broadcaster was the first
presenter of the BBC W quiz show blankly
blank he who played AR Sally in wor Gage
how many years have these Enders been
running who wrote The Da maale cartoon
strip FR
B Miss carry on rer starred in bless
this house
who ination
Street which city
I think that work very well
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