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Are you going to tell me where we're
going? Because if it has the words
farmers or market in it, I don't want to
go.
>> You were talking about all the things
you thought you would never have, so
thought I would get you one.
>> Oh my god. You bought me the Patob.
>> No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
>> I rented you the Batmobile for the day.
>> This is amazing. Thank you.
>> Be careful. I I did not get the
insurance.
Come on, ROBIN.
You know, I I do have a way to get him
out of our hair. Been holding on to this
for a few years, but maybe now's the
time. We can just lock the door. You
don't have to kill him.
>> Can't kill him. He'll just respawn at
the last save point.
>> OH, THAT WAS MY SIXTH TRIP TO THE
BATHROOM.
HEY, as long as that's not a urinary
tract infection, that's a personal best.
Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little
present.
>> Really?
>> Yeah. Go ahead, open it.
>> Congratulations.
The bearer of this certificate is
entitled to the ultimate train
experience at the Nevada Northern
Railway. You are at the throttle. You
are the engineer. You are running the
locomotive.
This doesn't happen very often, but here
comes a hug.
>> OH DEAR, I HAVE TO TINKLE AGAIN.
>> OKAY, where were we?
>> Oh, well, isn't this nice?
>> What is it?
>> You know, it's uh it's ONE OF THOSE
NOPE. DOESN'T DO THAT.
>> OH, maybe it's candy. Lick it.
>> I don't want to lick it. You lick it.
>> I'm not going to lick it. I just brush
my teeth.
>> Is it from one of your dumb sci-fi
shows? Uh,
>> none of the sci-fi shows I watch or
dumb.
>> Sheldon.
>> Okay, Westworld. But this has nothing to
do with that show other than it's also
inexplicable.
>> Well, Leonard and Penny are our best
friends. They know us better than
anyone. They said it's the perfect gift.
We must be missing something.
>> You don't think it's a marital aid, do
you?
Would be silly, Amy. How is this big
glass shaft going to aid our marriage?
>> Hello. Hey,
>> I just wanted to pop over and handdel
this thank you note for your very
thoughtful wedding gift.
>> Oh, good. You guys liked it?
>> Yeah. Well, we liked it a lot more than
things that aren't it. I'll tell you
that.
>> Well, you know, that's great because
when we saw it, we thought Amy and
Sheldon just have to have that.
>> Oh, do tell. Now, paint a picture for me
like where you were when you found it
and what you thought we'd enjoy doing
with it.
>> Do you not know what it is? Of course he
knows what it is. Smartest man in the
world.
>> I don't know about the world. No, some
of those Chinese fellas are pretty
clever. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to return home and use your gift
in the manner which it was intended.
>> He's never going to figure it out.
>> What are you?
>> Gosh, this makes me happy.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
>> What happens if I say come in? Huh?
>> Find out.
>> Come in.
>> Bernardet. Bernardet. Bernardet.
>> Come in.
>> Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.
>> Just come in.
For future reference, if I want to watch
Mean Girls, I'll stream on Netflix.
>> We're sorry. What do you need?
>> Well, as you know, I'll be celebrating
Amy's birthday with her, and I could use
your assistance and helping me select
the perfect gift.
>> Sure.
>> Well, so far, I've come up with three
ideas. The first is a chance for her to
play the harp with the LA Philarmonic.
>> Wow, you can really arrange that.
>> Well, I said a chance. No. When you tell
them it's your birthday at Benigans,
they make a fuss. I don't see why the
Phil Harmonic would be any different.
How about something a little more
realistic?
>> Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own
sweaters, so I was thinking of getting
her an all expense paid trip to the
Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival.
>> Sorry, I was waiting for the bazinga.
>> Come on, it could be romantic. The two
of them away together, keeping each
other warm in snowy Wisconsin.
>> No, no, no, no. She'd be going alone.
But if you think I'm afraid of birds,
you see me around sheep.
>> Okay. Well, what's the third option?
>> Wait, that I have kitus with her.
>> Hey guys, before I forget, I got you a
little groomsman present.
>> Fantastic 4 annual number three from
1965 in mint condition. The one where
Mr. Fantastic and the invisible girl get
married.
>> Oh dear,
I was afraid of this.
>> What? What a thoughtful gift. This comic
book in this condition is worth at least
$100. Yeah. So, I bought you and
Bernardet a gravy boat worth $88,
which places me in your debt. And I
can't be in your debt because someday
you might ask me to help you move
or to kill a man.
>> I doubt he'll ask you to kill a man.
>> But what if it's his only way out? I
can't risk it.
Here is $12.
Now we're even. You wait. Wait. I bought
a card. Give me $2.
>> For the record, this is why I hate gift
giving.
>> I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
And
>> I'm glad you and I are friends again,
too. No. Oh, which reminds me. This came
in the mail and I want you to have it.
>> 50 cents off of Vagisil.
>> Think of me when you apply it.
>> Can I just say I've missed all of us
hanging out together?
>> Yeah, me too.
>> Um, since when can Pauly talk in front
of the girls without a beer?
>> Oh, that happened right after you left.
>> No one told me.
>> Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Think of Sheldon when you apply it.
>> Hi. You guys got a minute?
>> Sure. What's up?
>> Well, I was thinking about Sheldon's
little joke the other night about me
eating all your food.
>> No, that was no joke. But I understand
your confusion as I am our group's
resident cutup.
>> I'm sorry. You are our resident cutup.
>> Yes.
Prove it.
>> Knock-k knockock.
>> Who's there?
>> Interrupting physicist.
>> Interrupting phys.
>> Anyway, I got a little residual check
from my commercial and I thought, hey,
how about I get the guys a little thank
you to pay them back. So, Sheldon.
Tada.
A vintage mint in box 1975 MIGO Star
Trek transporter with real transporter
action. Hot darn.
Where did you get that?
>> From Stuart at the comic book store.
>> You went to the comic book store by
yourself? Yeah,
>> it was fun. I walked in and two
different guys got asthma attacks.
>> Felt pretty good.
>> This calls for an expression of
gratitude.
>> Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon
Cooper hug?
>> No, not this time. Then they wouldn't be
special. Thanks, Penny.
>> You're welcome.
Don't worry, I didn't forget about you,
Leonard. I got you a label maker.
Oh,
no. It's great. Also a minton box.
>> And I got YOU A TRANSPORTER, TOO.
>> AWESOME.
LOOK, it was actually designed FOR MY
VINTAGE MR. SPOCK ACTION FIGURE.
>> OH, THAT'S GREAT. LET'S open them up and
put them in there.
>> Oh, good lord. No.
>> Why?
>> They're just toys.
>> They're meant in box.
>> Come on. Can't we open one up and take a
look?
>> Once you open the box, it loses its
value.
>> Yeah. Yeah. My mom gave me the same
lecture about my virginity.
I
>> got to tell you, it was a lot more fun
taking it out and playing with it.
>> Amy, I'd like to apologize. Your
accomplishment was impressive and I'm
proud of you.
>> We both know that's your koala face.
>> I told you.
>> Okay, look. He bought you this
jewelry.
Seriously, Sheldon, you are the most
shallow, self-centered person I have
ever met. Do you really think that
another transparently manipul OH, IT'S A
TIARA.
A TIARA. I HAVE A TIARA. PUT ON ME. PUT
ON ME. Put on me. Put on me. Put on me.
Put on me. Put on me.
>> You look beautiful.
>> Of course I DO. I'M A PRINCESS AND THIS
IS MY
You're right. TR was too much.
>> Hey, Stewart.
>> Oh, hey Raj. What can I help you with?
>> I need to buy an engagement gift.
>> Well, you came to the wrong place.
>> It's for Sheldon and Amy.
>> No way. They're engaged?
>> Yeah.
>> That's exciting news. Who would have
thought Sheldon and Amy would be the
next two to tie the knot? Tell me about
it. I'm the one who caught the bouquet
at Leonard and Penny's wedding.
>> Okay. Uh, you know, they might like this
Superman and Wonder Woman. It's kind of
romantic.
You know what? Why am I buying them a
gift? They have love. Screw them and
their happiness. What do you have for
someone who's bitter and alone?
>> Literally everything.
They're my friends and I should be happy
for them. And and I'm trying, but all I
feel is this like knowing empty
sensation in my gut.
>> I had that once. Turned out it was a
tapeworm.
>> Cool. Uh
it's just
hard talking to my other friends about
this, but I knew you'd understand.
>> Why is that? because you and I are both
alone, which is actually kind of
comforting because at least we can be
alone together.
>> This is This is awkward. I um I was
actually going to close up a little
early tonight cuz I have a date.
>> Really?
>> Yeah.
>> Forgive me if I'm having trouble being
happy for you.
>> Don't be silly. I'm loving your pain.
>> You can't fix this with gifts.
Nevertheless, I've hurt you. And whether
you forgive me or not, I want you to
have this.
You're giving me a couch cushion.
>> No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm
giving you my spot on the couch.
>> But you love that spot.
>> No, I love my mother. My feelings for my
spot are much greater.
It is the singular location in space
around which revolves my entire
universe.
And now it's yours.
>> Oh my god, dude. Now you have to forgive
him.
>> All right. Apology accepted.
>> High five. Not too hard.
>> Thank you.
>> I haven't cried like this since Toy
Story 3.
I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand
why you chose this spot. I mean, the
temperature is good, but there's no
draft. I can see the television, but I
can still talk to
>> I changed my mind. Get out of my spot.
>> How long?
>> 94 seconds.
>> Leonard will be back in a couple days. I
need a welcome home gift for him as he's
been at sea. Perhaps something with a
nautical theme might be appropriate.
>> Okay. Well, I don't know how much you
want to spend, but I do have this pretty
cool Aquaman statue.
>> Aquaman? This isn't a gag gift, Steuart.
>> Yeah, just as well. It's a pretty rare
piece. I'd rather just sell it to a real
collector. you. I'm a real collector.
How rare is it?
>> Oh, I shouldn't even have mentioned it.
How about a Batman squirt gun?
>> Don't try and trick me into buying
something I don't want. Now, let's talk
Aquaman.
$1,200. That's my final offer.
>> All right, Sheldon, you win. I'm sure
Leonard is going to love this.
>> Oh, right. A present for Leonard.
>> You better throw in that squirt gun.
Yeah. I don't know. This squirt gun,
it's uh it's pretty rare.
>> I don't see anything in here a woman
would want.
>> You're kidding. You've got lotions and
bath oils and soaps. That's the estrogen
hack trick.
What it is is a cacophinous assault of
eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon, and
vanilla.
It's as if my head were trapped in the
pajamas of a sultan.
Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff,
let's just go next door and build her a
bear.
I told you before, bears are terrifying.
Come on, bath stuff. It's perfect. You
got a scented candle, a cleansing buff,
spearmint, and green tea scented bath
oil promotes relaxation. I presuppose
this penny is tense.
>> No, she knows you. She's tense. We all
are my basket.
>> Excuse me. We're ready.
>> No, no, we're not. Let's say for a
moment that I accept the bath item gift
hypothesis. I now lay the following
conundrum at your feet. Which size?
This one. Let's go. You put no thought
into that.
>> I'm sorry.
This one. Let's go.
>> I have insufficient data to proceed. You
excuse me, miss? Yes. If I were to give
you this gift basket based on that
action alone and no other data, infer
and describe the hypothetical
relationship that exists between us.
>> Excuse me.
Here
now, are we friends, colleagues, lovers?
Are you my grandmother?
I don't understand what you're talking
about, and you're making me a little
uncomfortable.
See, sounds just like you and Penny.
We'll take it.
Great news, Leonard. I've solved my
penny gift dilemma.
>> Yippee.
>> You see, the danger was that I might
under or over reciprocate, but I have
devised a foolproof plan. I will open
her gift to me first and then excuse
myself feigning digestive distress. Then
I'll look up the price of her gift
online, choose the basket closest to
that value, give it to her, and then
I'll return the others for a full
refund.
>> Brilliant.
>> It is, isn't it?
Is it okay if I hide them in your room?
That smell makes me nauseated.
>> Do whatever you want.
>> Thank you. That's very gracious,
gentlemen.
Why couldn't you have just done what
Leonard did and get Penny a new
boyfriend?
>> I got you a little something.
>> A little something? Oh,
>> what? This is huge.
>> What's huge is what you've done for me.
Oh, no. Amy, I haven't done anything.
>> No, no. Before I met you, I was a mousy
wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like
some kind of downtown hipster party girl
with a posi boyfriend and a new lace bra
that hooks in the front of all things.
Open it. Open it. OKAY.
I wanted to get you something you didn't
have.
>> Wow. I I don't know what just Wow.
>> Do you like it?
>> Do I like it? Wow.
>> So, uh, where are you going to hang it?
>> Oh my god. HANG IT. WOW. UM, YOU KNOW,
I'D have to get a hook and nails and a
hammer and NO PROBLEM. OH, LOOK. YOU YOU
JUST YOU GOT IT ALL RIGHT THERE. WOW.
HOW'S THAT? A
>> little higher on the right
>> now. A little more. That's got it.
>> Yeah. Okay. That's uh that's good.
>> I'll let you in on a little secret.
Originally, we were painted nude,
but I had him add clothes cuz I thought
it was an unnecessary challenge to our
heterosexuality.
>> Yeah, good call.
But if you ever change your mind, all it
would take is some warm soapy water and
a couple of sponges.
>> You're talking about the painting?
>> Sure.
That's not the secret knock.
This is the secret knock.
What difference does it make? The whole
point of a secret knock is to establish
a non-verbal signal to verify the
identity of one's co-conspirators.
>> Is that Raj and Howard?
>> Possibly, but unverified.
Did
>> you just let us in?
>> Luckily for you, this is not a nuclear
reactor.
>> So, where'd you get the birthday boy?
>> Well, Raj got him an awesome limited
edition Dark Knight sculpture based on
Alex Ross' definitive Batman. And I got
him this amazing autograph copy of the
Fineman Lectures on Physics.
>> Nice. I got him a sweater.
Okay. Well, he might like that. I've
seen him get chilly.
Uh
>> Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
>> That's because I didn't bring one.
>> Why not?
>> Don't ask. The entire institution of
giftgiving makes no sense. Too late.
Let's say that I go out and I spend $50
on you. Well, it's a laborious activity
because I have to imagine what you need,
whereas you know what you need. Now, I
could simplify things. just give you the
$50 directly and then you could give me
$50 on my birthday and so on until one
of us dies leaving the other one old and
$50 richer
and I ask you is it worth it?
Told you not to ask.
>> Well, Shelon, you're his friend. Friends
give each other presents.
>> I accept your premise. I reject your
conclusion.
>> Try telling him it's a nonoptional
social convention.
>> Wait, what? Just do it.
>> It's a nonoptional
social convention.
>> Ah, fair enough.
>> He came with a manual.
>> So, we got everybody gifts.
>> Did you forget about us until you were
at the airport?
>> No, we forgot about you until we were on
the plane.
Luckily, there was Wi-Fi and I have
Amazon Prime.
>> Hi, Heart New York. A the baby's going
to love throwing up on this.
>> Look, it doesn't have to just be New
York. That's the beauty of it. Now, the
initials NY Y could stand for anything
you like. For instance, I understand
that there is an elderly rock and roll
musician named Neil Young. Perhaps you
heard him. Or, if not him, Egyptian
table tennis silver medalist Noha Yasri.
or Nanayy Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice
actress who starred in Sally the Witch.
>> Did you just Google the initials NY? I
had Wi-Fi and a long plane fly. Draw
your own conclusions.
>> Well, guys, that was very, very
thoughtful of you.
>> Did you get me a double XL? I told you
>> you were right, dear.
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