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Do you smell something?
Yeah. Smoke? Yeah, definite smoke.
Look, it's a fire.
Holy cow. Look at that. It's my father's
cabin. The cabin is on fire. Um, I just
realized you never gave me back the
change from the tolls.
[Laughter]
It kills me.
Have something else. Come on. Have a
little dessert. I'm good. Thanks.
Elaine, get something. It's all taken
care of. I'm kind of full. So, don't
finish it. She's full.
So, Big Daddy, I'm just curious. How
much did you clear on your little
transaction there? All told, I don't
like to discuss figures. How much?
I don't know what. 8,000. It's a
Hyundai. Get out.
I told you not to sell.
Simon's made money. Wilkinson cleaned
up. So Wilkinson's out of the hospital
now. No. You'd be surprised. You don't
recover that quickly from a nose job.
Oh god. Is that still from those cats?
No.
I just got a cold. So, whatever happened
with that? I gave him an ultimatum.
He chose the cats. They're very clean
animals. I got to say that's pretty bad
losing out to a cat. Almost as bad as
losing out to a perfume.
Told you those trips are relationship
killers.
Too bad you can't get your buddy
Superman to fly around the earth at
super speed and reverse time. Get all
the money back. Could have avoided the
whole trip to Vermont. Superman can go
back in time. We went over that.
Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one.
Petraco Corporation out of uh
Springfield. I think
they're about to introduce some sort of
a robot butcher.
A robot butcher.
You want to get in
very little time,
sweetheart.
No, no, no, no, no, no. That ought to
cover it.
Just a second. Just let me speak.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
[Music]
This is huge.
When did this happen? Wednesday.
This jacket has completely changed my
life. When I leave the house in this,
it's with a whole different confidence.
Like tonight, I might have been a little
nervous, but inside this jacket, I am
composed, grounded, secure that I can
meet any social challenge. Can I say one
thing to you? And I say this with an
unblenmished record of staunch
heterosexuality. Absolutely.
It's fabulous.
I know. And I'll tell you something
else. I'm not even going to ask you. I
want to know, but I'm not going to ask.
You'll tell me when you feel
comfortable.
So, what was it? 400.
500? Did you pay 500 for this? Over six.
Can't be seven. Don't Don't tell me you
paid $700 for this jacket. Did you pay
$700 for this jacket? Is that what
you're saying to me? You are sick. Is
that what you paid for this jacket?
Over $700.
What did you pay for this jacket? I
won't say anything. I want to know what
you paid for this jacket. Oh my god.
$1,000. You paid $1,000 for this jacket.
All right. I'm walking out of here right
now thinking you paid $1,000 for this
jacket unless you tell me different.
All right, I'll tell you what. If you
don't say anything in the next 5
seconds, it was over a thousand.
[Music]
Hey, where's Kramer? I don't know.
That's like asking where's Waldo.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
I don't think that's it. I'm not
kidding. What does that mean?
I think what he's trying to say is that
he's having a heart attack. Oh, he's
having a heart attack. Tightness. Come
on. Shortness of breath. Oh, this is
ridiculous. Radiating waves of pain. I
know what this is. You saw that show on
PBS last night. Coronary Country.
I saw it in the TV guide. I called him.
told him to make sure and not watch it.
There was nothing else on
the left arm. Left arm. You saw that
show on anorexia last year. Ate like an
animal for two weeks. Why can't I have a
heart attack? I'm allowed. So, what do
you want? You want me to take you to the
hospital? Manhattan Memorial. Nice of a
line. I'll call in.
Is everything all right?
Just take a check.
You made a mistake on the toy.
Hey, I got news for you. If we're making
this movie, we got to get a table
immediately. All right, look it. Let's
stop fooling around. Let's just slip him
some money in a Chinese restaurant. Do
they take money?
Do they take money? Everyone takes
money. I used to go out with a guy who
did it all the time. You just slip him
20 bucks. 20 bucks?
Isn't that excessive? Well, what do you
want to give him? Change?
It's more than the meal. Oh, come on.
We'll divide it up three ways. All
right. 7 76.
I'm not going to eat that much. I'm
counting your shrimps.
Great. But
I'm I'm riddled with personal problems.
What's wrong? What did I do? No,
nothing. It It's not you. It's me. I I
have a fear of commitment.
I don't know how to love. You hate my
earrings, don't you? No. No. And you
didn't comment on the chopsticks. I love
the chopsticks. I I personally prefer a
fork, but they look very nice.
You're not telling me the truth. I must
have done something.
I have a fear of intimacy. I don't give
me cliches. I have a right to know. What
did I do wrong? Nothing. It's not you. I
want the truth. The truth? You want the
truth?
It is your earrings. It is your justice.
But it's so much more. You're
pretentious. You call everyone by their
full name. You called my door man Sammy
Samuel. But you didn't even say Samuel.
You went Samuel.
Papy a machete. What is Papy Amâché?
Keep going.
I I think I made my point.
I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for
being so honest.
Can I uh can I walk you back to work? I
really prefer to go alone.
How much do I owe? Oh, please.
$4 is fine.
My whole life has been a complete waste
of time and there's so much more to go.
Now I know what I'm supposed to do. It
is so simple. Tell the truth. That's
all. Just tell the truth. So what
happened? You give him my tax papers.
What? My papers.
Oh, what? Oh, the papers. What happened?
You didn't give her the papers? No, I
did. So,
I broke up with her.
You what? I broke up with her. I'm being
audited. And you broke up with her? It's
okay. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure
she'll still do it. Why? Why would she
still do it? She hates you now. People
don't do you favors after you dump them?
No, no. We we left on good terms. How is
that possible? Because I uh I told her
the truth. Oh my god. Okay. It's unheard
of. She asked me to. So you lie. What
did you tell her? I told her that she
was pretentious. Pretentious?
No woman has my tax papers. You told her
she's pretentious. The IRS. They're like
the mafia. They can take anything they
want. How would you like it if someone
told you the truth? Like what? What
could they say? There are plenty of
things to say. Like what? I'm bald. What
is it specifically? Is Is there an odor
I'm not aware of?
What? Give me one. You sure? Yes.
Okay.
You're extremely
careful with money.
I'm what? Forget it. I'm cheap. You
think I'm cheap?
How could you say that to me? I can't
believe this. How could you say that to
me? You asked me to. You should have
lied. So should you. Okay, wait a
second. Wait a second. What happened to
my papers? I mean, I'm not really
working right now. I know. When I was
working, I spent, baby.
Yeah, I know. Champagne, limo, cigars.
What happened to the papers?
Do I really have to buy her something?
Hey, the woman got your job. Least you
could do was buy her a gift.
How about this? What is that? Cashmere.
Yeah, she loves cashmere. Who doesn't
like Kashmir? Find me one person in the
world that doesn't like Kashmir. It's
too expensive. Look at this. It's $85,
marked down from 600. Wow. Uh, excuse
me, miss. Yes. How come this sweater is
only $85? Oh, here. This is why. What? I
don't see anything. See this red dot?
Oh, yeah. Oh, it's damaged. Well, it's
not really damaged.
Wow. $85. Huh? Mhm. There's no exchanges
on this.
You think she'd care about the dot? It's
hard to say. I I don't even think she'd
notice it. Can you see it? Well, I can
see it. Yeah, but you know where it is.
Well, what do you want me to do? Not
look at it? Pretend you didn't know it
was there. Can you see it? It's hard for
me to pretend because I know where it
is. Well, just take an overview. Can't
you take an overview? You want me to
take an overview? Please. I see a very
cheap man holding a sweater trying to
get away with something. That's my
overview.
Oh, George, this is beautiful. Is this
cashmere? Of course, it's cashmere. Oh,
I love cashmere. Who doesn't? God,
George, this must have cost a fortune.
Ah, money.
God, Jerry, how could you let him spend
so much money? I tried to stop him.
I couldn't. He just wants to make people
happy.
God, George, this is one of the nicest
things anyone has ever given me. Ah,
good. Good. Listen, take it off. You
know, you're going to wear it out
already. It's for special occasions,
this thing.
What's that red dot on your sweater?
[Applause]
What? Yeah. Listen, take it off. Yeah,
I'm getting hot just looking at it. What
is this? It's like a red dot. What? What
red dot? What are you What are you
talking about? Jerry, come here for a
second. Do Do you see anything here?
Uh, I don't know.
I I don't know.
What don't you know? I don't know.
Well, do you see it or don't you?
Uh, say that again.
Do you see it or don't you? Do I see it
or don't I? That's the question.
Now, what did you ask me again? George,
come on up. Hey,
let me ask you something. Did George buy
that sweater knowing the red dot was on
it because it was cheaper?
Okay, you just gave me the answer. No, I
didn't.
Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I saw your
expression. I didn't have an expression.
I have a deviated septum. I have to
I have to open my mouth sometimes to
breathe. Uh-huh. How much did he save?
Frankly, I am shocked that you could ask
such a question of me that you would
think if I was The only surprise was how
you could even think of that. That's
what you were seeing.
I have to talk to Elaine's in the
bathroom. She's wise to the whole red
dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of
questions about it.
Did you tell her anything? No. You
swear? I'm not swearing. I don't want to
swear. Come on. I swear. Oh, you told
her, didn't you? Hey, George.
Did you buy that sweater knowing the red
dot was on it because you could get it
at a discount?
What?
Did I What? You did, didn't you?
Elaine, I'm I'm shocked. I'm shocked.
Here I go out in the spirit of the
season and spend all my savings to buy
you the most beautiful Christmas sweater
I have ever seen to show my appreciation
to you and Christmas. And this is the
thanks I get at Christmas.
Well, Jerry told me that you did. You
told her? How could you tell her? I just
squealled on me. What kind of a friend
are you? I didn't tell you a stupid
idiot. She tricked you.
[Applause]
Elaine, you don't understand.
I had 103 temperature when I bought that
sweater.
I was so dizzy. I was seeing red dots
everywhere. I I thought everything in
the store had a red dot on it. I I
couldn't distinguish one red dot from
the other.
I couldn't afford anything. I have
nothing. I I haven't worked for a really
long time. I I I mean, look, I I I have
no clothes. Look at what I'm wearing. It
was just a little red dot. A little red
dot.
Got him. Beautiful. Hey, you know what
else is playing here? Huh? Relle. Relle.
I wouldn't mind seeing that. Yeah. You
know, men can sit through the most
pointless, boring movie if there's even
the slightest possibility that a woman
will take her top off.
So, what's your point?
Oh, by the way, you uh you owe me 750.
Oh, all right. Can you break a 20? No, I
don't I don't have any change. Oh, well,
then I'll pay you later. Or I could take
the 20 and I could I could pay you
later. Yeah, you could. Might be easier.
Well, how's that easier? I mean, then
you would owe me 1250 instead of me
owing you 750.
Either way. Yeah, it's the same thing.
So, can I have it?
I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn
and the soda.
What do you mean you'll get the popcorn
and the soda? I will buy your popcorn
and soda and we'll call it even. I'll
tell you what. Give me the 20. I'll buy
you a popcorn and a soda and I'll throw
in a bon bon. George, you're sapping my
strength.
[Music]
I feel great for 85. You know, the
average lifespan for an American male is
like 72.
You're really kind of pushing the
envelope there.
I'm not afraid to die. I never think
about it. You don't? Well, I think about
it a lot. I think about it at my age.
Imagine how much I'll be thinking about
it at your age. All I do is just keep
thinking about it till it drives me
insane. I'm grateful for every moment I
have. Grateful.
How can you be grateful when you're so
close to the end?
When you know that any second, poof,
bam, oh, it could all be over. I mean,
you're not stupid. You can read the
handwriting on the wall. It's a matter
of simple arithmetic. For God's sake, I
guess I just don't care. What are you
talking about?
How can you sit there and look me in the
eye and tell me that you're not worried?
Don't you have any sense? Don't you have
a brain? Are you so completely scenile
you don't even know what you're talking
about?
Wait a second. Where are you going?
Life's too short to waste on you.
Please get out of my way.
But but Mr. Kwell, you you owe me for
the soup.
I know what the problem is. I like her
too much. That's why I can't make a
move. You put her on a pedestal. I put
them on a dental chair.
He puts him on a dental chair. I'm not
her boyfriend. I want to be her
boyfriend.
It's like a son in here.
It's funny. You're funny. I never heard
that before.
So, you going to the funeral? Well, you
think I should? What? Are you kidding?
It's a golden opportunity to advance the
relationship. She's crying. You put your
arm around her and console her. You're
the consolation guy. I'm the consolation
guy. Consolation guy is big.
Her aunt dying is the best thing that
ever happened to you. It's like 10 dates
in one shot.
This confers upon you instant boyfriend
status. The family's there. You're
taking care of things. You're getting
the sandwiches. You're the rock. It's in
Detroit, though. It's an expensive
flight. Why don't you get a death in the
family fair?
Well,
you go to the airlines, you tell them
that you have a death in the family,
they give you 50% off the fair. Really?
In fact, listen, I'll go down there with
you. You know, we'll tell them there's a
death in my family. You buy the ticket.
I'll split it. All right. Then I'll get
the bonus miles and you'll get the
Detroit for a quarter of the price.
You see my friend here, his his aunt
passed away last night. Oh, I'm very
sorry. I saw her last week. She looked
healthy and peaceful, but
she knew. You poor thing. I You don't
think you could buy the ticket yourself?
Oh, no. No. Okay. I could. No. Please.
There. There. There. There. You You sit.
I'll I'll purchase the ticket for you.
You're a good friend.
I understand you offer a 50% off
bereavement fair. Yes. All you have to
do is pay the full fair now, then return
to any one of our counters with a copy
of the death certificate and we'll
refund half your fair
death certificate. Yes. Yes, we do need
documentation or you know people could
take advantage.
What kind of a sick person would do a
thing like that? I know but it happens.
You want my friend to ask his uncle, a
man who just lost his wife of 44 years,
for a death certificate so that he could
save a few bucks on a flight. That would
be $387
round trip. All right. So, you'll need
my uh frequent flyer number. Yes.
[Music]
All right, sir. Now, all I need is a
death certificate and you'll be on your
way.
Well, you see what happened was um
the doctor, the very same doctor that
was attending my late aunt suffered an
untimely stroke and uh lost the use of
his right hand. So, obviously, I was
unable to get the death certificate. Um,
however, I I do have this.
What's this? That's a picture of me next
to the coffin.
This is our best model, the Cougar 9000.
It's the Rollsroyce of wheelchairs.
This is like you're almost glad to be
handicapped.
[Applause]
So now, uh, what what's what's this guy?
Inductive joystick, dynamic braking,
flip up arms. It's fully loaded. I put
Steven Hawking in one of these two
months ago. He's loving it. It's rated
number one by Hospital Supply and
Prosthetic magazine. How much? 6,200.
Do you have something a little more
less expensive?
All right. This one's about 8 years old.
Not a scratch on it. It was owned by
some lady who only used it to go from
the bathroom to the kitchen to feed her
cats. But this will get you around. Oh,
sure. It just doesn't have any of the
frills of the cougar. Like what? For
example, your trema damping. Now, what's
that? It helps to control the direction
regardless of the operator's treasure.
Uh, well, is it all right if I try it?
Hop in.
Oh, yeah.
I tell you,
when I see someone enjoying themselves
like that, it reminds me of why I got
into this business in the first place.
How much?
How about $240?
We'll take it. Take it.
Drake gave her the TV. He gave her all
the gifts. He felt guilty. Well, she
can't keep it. It's not fair. That's our
TV. I know it is.
Boy, I'm really starting to dislike the
Drake. Hate the Drake.
Maybe the whole thing was a scam.
Anybody can just get engaged and get
presents and just keep them all. Maybe
they're on the way to Chicago tomorrow
and do the whole thing all over again.
They don't know anybody in Chicago.
Don't worry. They'll make friends fast
with that nice TV.
Hey. Hey. Guess what? The Drake broke
up. The Drake broke up. That's
fantastic. Now we get the TV back. Help
defay some of the cost of the
wheelchair. I don't know about def
fraying. Why? I'm not getting that TV.
What do you mean? The engagement's off.
We get the TV back. That's business.
The drakeette took it. She can't take
it. It's not hers. It's theirs. Once
there's no theirs, there's no hers. It
should be ours.
Well, she has it. I told you the Drake
was bad. I hate the Drake.
Maybe we should call her. She says she
doesn't want to see me again. Told me to
drop dead. Drop dead? Boy, even I never
heard that one. She's pretty rough. is
good. Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a
wheelchair. 240 bucks. Well, it was
slightly used. Used.
Hey, is it cold out? Really cold. Scary
cold. I don't know. What's your
definition of scary cold?
That
What is that?
What? When did you get that? This week.
My father got a deal from a friend of
his. It's Gortex.
You know about Gortex? You like saying
Gortex, don't you? Look at you. You
can't even turn around in that thing.
Look at this.
Hey, George. Can you fill us? Can you
All right. All right. Knock it off. Come
on. Let's go. Oh, listen. We should stop
off on the way and get a bottle of wine
or something. Yeah. What for? These
people invited us for dinner. We have to
bring something. Why?
Because it's rude otherwise.
You mean just going there because I'm
invited? That's rude? Yes. So, you're
telling me instead of them being happy
to see me, they're going to be upset
because I didn't bring anything. You see
what I'm saying? The fabric of society
is very complex, George.
I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.
You can't bring Pepsi.
Why not? Because we're adults.
You're telling me that wine is better
than Pepsi? No way. Wine is better than
Pepsi.
I tell you, George, I don't think we
want to walk in there and put a big
plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of
the table. I just don't like the idea
that anytime there's a dinner
invitation, there's this annoying little
chore that goes along with it. You know,
you're getting to be an annoying little
chore yourself.
Where's the heat in this car? Come on,
Lane. Warm me up. It's cold. A little
squeeze. Get off. Get off.
You're pretty comfortable up there, huh,
bubble boy? Oh, yeah. You wish you had
this coke. You know, I was just thinking
the four of us can't show up with just
one bottle of wine. There we go. What?
Why don't we get them a couch? We'll
rent you. We'll bring them a nice
sectional.
We should bring some cake. Will you stop
off at the bakery? All right. Why don't
you just get some ringings from the
liquor store?
Ringings? Hey, ringings are better than
anything you're going to get at a
bakery. Oh, I like ringings. George, you
can't show up at someone's house with
ringings and Pepsi. Hey, your lights are
on.
It's a funeral procession.
But I got news for you. I show up with
Ringings and Pepsi, I become the biggest
hit of the party. People be coming up to
me just between you and me. I'm really
excited about the Ringings and the
Pepsi.
Europeans with the Bojlet and the
Chardonnay.
Um,
is this the price thing? Yes. Yes.
Hello. Party's over.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
We're having an unadvertised sale
starting Friday. That suit will be half
price. So, you think you could uh put
the suit aside and hold it for me? Oh,
I'm afraid I couldn't do that. It
wouldn't be fair to the other customers.
Oh, yes, of course. And uh we have to be
fair.
It fits you perfectly. You think so?
What is this? Can't I leave this place
for a second?
Can I help you?
I'm buying the suit. No, no, no, no. Uh,
this suit is not for sale. Excuse me. Do
you work here?
No.
Then what the hell business is it of
yours? Look, I'm doing you a favor.
They're having an unadvertised sale.
This suit is going to be half price
starting Monday. Really? Yeah. Yeah.
This Monday? Yes. Yes. Now, take off
those pants. Actually, the unadvertised
sale starts on Friday. Friday. Thanks.
You know, honey, for an unadvertised
sale, you're doing a lot of yapping
about it.
[Music]
Where is it? Where is it?
Well, look at this. This doesn't belong
here. Someone has made a terrible
mistake.
You bastard.
You hid the suit. Hid? I have no idea
how this suit got misplaced.
Nevertheless, I do believe I shall
purchase it. I hope you rott in that
suit. Look, I'm going to get you for
this. I don't know how, but I am going
to get you. You are going to pay. Oh,
I'll pay half price.
Arrivi, my fellow 40 short.
Hey, you want to get some lunch? No. No,
but maybe you could bring me back
something. Sure. All right. What do you
want? Um h I don't know. A big salad.
What big salad? I'm going to the coffee
shop. But they have big salads. I've
never seen a big salad. They have big
salad. Is that what I asked for? The big
salad?
It's a big Hey, I'll get it. What's in
the big salad? Big lettuce. Big carrots.
Tomatoes like volleyball. All
right. Thank you. I got it. Oh, no. No.
I'd like to pay for mine. Oh, not Julie.
Julie, don't insult. You know what
difference does it make who pays for
lunch? It's totally meaningless. Okay.
Thanks, George. Here's your big salad to
go. Oh, thank you.
Hey.
Hey. Sorry we're late. Oh, it's no
problem. Here's your big salad. Thank
you, Julie. Oh, you're very welcome.
So, well, I guess I better get going.
Meet Mother Guggenheim. You sure you
don't want to go? No, you Guggenheim.
I'm not much of a Guggenheimr.
Sure, Joy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You You go.
Okay. I'll see you later. Bye-bye.
Byebye.
Did you see what just happened?
Well, that all depends.
You happen to notice that Julie handed
the big salad to Elaine?
Yeah. So, well, she didn't buy the big
salad. I bought the big salad.
Is that a fact? Yes, it is. She just
took credit for my salad.
That's not right. No, it isn't. I mean,
I'm the one that bought it. Yes, you
did. Don't you think she should have
said something? She could have. Oh, I
know. Imagine her taking credit for your
big sal.
You know, you buy a big salad for
somebody, it would be nice if they knew
it. Obviously,
I like Julie. She's very personable.
Yeah, she's lovely.
That's great, Jo.
So, did you enjoy your lunch?
Yeah, it's a big salad. It's very good.
Actually, it was too big.
Why? Oh, no.
Cuz you know, she handed you the bag.
I could have handed you the bag, but she
happened to pick it up at the
restaurant. Even though Even though
what?
No, it's just
you thanked her. Even though
what what are you trying to say, George?
It's just that I was the one that
actually paid for the big salad. She
just happened to hand it to you. But
it's no big deal. You want the money for
the big salad?
Then what is your problem? There is no
problem.
Just a small miscommunication whereby
you thanked her instead of the person
actually responsible for purchasing the
big salad.
So George, I was talking to Elaine
before. We're just friends.
Yes. Well, anyway, she said something
that was kind of intriguing. H share.
Well, when I came over to the table, she
mentioned something about how she'd
better hurry up and leave or you'd make
her buy lunch to make up for the one
that you bought yesterday.
I'm not following that.
Well, my question is, how could Elaine
be under the impression that you bought
the big salad when I was the one that
handed it to her?
Well, she probably just assumed.
Did she?
Wait, wait a sec.
Are you suggesting that I went out of my
way to tell Elaine that even though you
handed her the big salad that it came
from me? That's what I'm suggesting.
Well, it was a big salad.
And what I would like to know is how
does a person who has virtually nothing
to do with a big salad claim
responsibility for that salad? and
accept the thank you under false
pretenses.
George, all I did was hand someone a
bag.
Well, well, well.
I'm not treating you to lunch anymore.
You had to tell Julie that I made a
special point of telling you that I
bought you the big salad, didn't you?
You know, if it was a regular salad, I
wouldn't have said anything. But you had
to have the big salad.
[Music]
[Laughter]
It is so nice to finally meet you. And
I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay so long.
Oh, no. No, not at all. No. I have
always felt that the most important
thing in the world is spending time with
family. Oh, are you and your family
close? Very close. Yes. Almost painfully
close. Mother, I I'm going to walk Nana
and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator.
George, do you mind waiting just one
more minute? Why would I mind? I would
love to wait. Nana, nice to see you. Me,
me, me, me, nana.
Aunt Ph. It's always a pleasure. What a
pleasure. Hey, let's do this again real
soon. I had fun. Huh? Can I offer you
anything to eat? Oh, no, no, no. I'm
fine. Let me help you with these dishes.
Huh? Oh, no. George, you don't have to.
No, I know I don't have to. I want to.
George,
you are such a gentleman. I'd argue if I
could, Mrs. Henry.
Here we go. All right.
So, let me ask you a question about the
uh the tip. cup cuz I had a little thing
with the calzone guy there this week.
And I go to drop a buck in the tip jar
and just as I'm about to drop it in, he
looks the other way. So then as I'm
leaving, he gives me a look like,
"Thanks for nothing." You got no credit.
Exactly. It's like I'm throwing a buck
away. I mean, if they don't notice it,
what's the point? So you don't make a
habit of giving to the blind.
Not bills.
Number 49. You know, uh, my last name is
Castanza. That's Italian. So, uh, you
and I are kind of like countrymen.
Pisanos. 650. You change. Ah, yes. And I
always take care of my pyano. So, here's
a little something.
Hey. Hey. You steal my money? No. No.
No. You don't understand. I wasn't
trying to take it out. I know what you
tried to do. Now get out of here. Don't
come back here again ever. I break your
head over like a brother.
They're arranged in order of price. The
most expensive are in the front. Mhm.
To tell you the truth, they haven't
manufactured that one for a number of
years. Oh no, George. That's so ugly. We
don't want that. What's the difference?
You just read it and mail it right back.
Please don't ask me. Why don't they make
them anymore? Well, for one thing, the
glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot
of moisture to make them stick. So, let
me pick up some Elmer's.
All right.
You see what I do for you? All right.
All right. Let's get down here.
You really want to get out of this
thing? Yes. All right. I got two words
for you. Prennub.
Enough. What does that mean? Ask her to
sign a prenup.
What does that do? Because most women
when they're asked to sign a prenup are
so offended they back out of the
marriage.
They are
Elaine.
I wouldn't sign one.
Pray them. Of course.
Kramer, get out of here.
[Music]
Hi. Hi. Hey. I've been going over the
list. What about the Drake? You want to
invite him? Oh, got to invite the Drake.
Listen, um, there's something that's
been on my mind and we haven't really
talked about it, and it's it's kind of
important to me. What is it? Well, I I
put a lot of thought into this, and I
think that I would like you to sign a
prenuptual agreement.
a prenup.
Yeah.
What's so funny?
You don't have any money. I make more
money than you do.
[Laughter]
Yeah. Give me the papers. I'll sign
them.
[Applause]
[Music]
delivery from Medley stationers. A those
are the invitations. Just sign here.
Yeah.
Thank you. See you later. Oh, these are
so cheap. And don't forget tomorrow
we're going shopping for rings, so don't
make any plans. And this time we're not
skimping.
off.
He
So, she was just lying there. Yeah. I
wonder what happened. Oh, there's the
doctor.
Excuse me. Are you the husband? Well,
not yet. Uh, fiancé. Yes. Well, I'm
sorry.
She's gone.
What's up?
She expired.
Are you sure?
Yes, of course.
So,
she's dead.
Yes.
Huh?
Let me ask you, had she been exposed to
any kind of inexpensive
glue?
Why? We found traces of a certain toxic
adhesive commonly found in very
lowpriced envelopes.
Well, she was sending out our wedding
invitations.
That's probably what did it.
We were expecting about 200 people.
Well, Janet, uh, she'll be here any
minute. You've been hiding her from us.
You must really like her. Oh, Jerry, the
minute I saw this girl, we just clicked.
She's got such a nice face. Her eyes,
her mouth, nose. We know what a face
consists of.
I'm sorry I'm late. Terry Elaine, I give
you Janet. Nice to meet you. Hi. Hi. Do
we still have time to make the movie?
Oh, uh, yeah. We just can't go to the
supermarket to get some candy.
Something from What? See, you give and
you get. This is what I'm trying to
teach you. This holiday season, a
donation has been made in your name to
the Children's Alliance. Oh, that's
nice. I got him Yankee tickets. He got
me a piece of paper saying I've given
your gift to someone else. To a
children's charity. Don't you see how
wrong that is? Where's your Christmas
spirit? An eye for an eye. Do me a
favor. Don't give me anything this year.
I got to give Christmas presents to
everyone down at Krueger. Someone
pulling a Watley. A donation has been
made in your name to the human fund.
What is that? Made it up.
The human fund. Money for people. What
do you think?
It has a certain understated stupidity.
Yellow Josie Wales.
Yeah.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh,
Sandy, here is a little something for
you.
Oh,
thanks.
Love cigars incoming.
Now, Mr. Krueger, sir, merry Christmas.
Not if you could see our books. What is
this? The human fund.
Whatever. Exactly.
Merry Christmas. Nice cufflings, by the
way. Office Christmas gift. I tell you,
this human fund is a gold mine. That's
not a French cuff shirt, you know. I
know. I cut the button off and poked a
hole with a letter opener. Oh, that's
classy.
George, I got something for you. I'm
supposed to uh find a charity and throw
some of the company's money at it. They
all seem the same to me, so what's the
difference?
$20,000 made out to the human fund.
Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my
office again.
All right, I'm going home.
Soup. She didn't touch it.
Paco.
Hey, take a look at this.
$20,000 from Krueger. You're not keeping
this. Oh, no. Excuse me. I've been doing
a lot of thinking. This might be my
chance to start giving something back.
You want to give something back? Start
with the $20,000.
I'm serious. You're going to start your
own charity. I think I could be a
philanthropist. A kick-ass
philanthropist. I would have all this
money and and people would love me. Then
they would come to me and beg. And if I
felt like it, I would help them out. And
then they would owe me big time.
First thing I'm going to need is a
driver.
George, we've got a problem. There's a
memo here from accounting telling me
there's no such thing as the human fund.
Well, there could be,
but there isn't.
Well, I I could um I could give the
money back. Yeah, George, I don't get
it. If there's no human fund, those
donation cards were fake.
You better have a damn good reason why
you gave me a fake Christmas gift. Well,
sir, I I gave out the fake card because
um
I don't really celebrate Christmas. I um
I celebrate festivists.
Feminists. Festivis, sir. And uh I was
afraid that I would be persecuted for my
beliefs. They drove my family out of
Bayside, sir. Are you making all this
up, too? Oh, no, sir. Festivis is all
too real, and I could prove it if I have
to.
Yeah, you probably should.
Twix.
B5.
A come on.
[Applause]
Uh, excuse me. Do you have a change of a
dollar? No.
Could I uh could I trade you for another
dollar? Don't have one. Uh, excuse me.
When your uh when your wallet was open,
I I glanced inside and I couldn't help
but notice that you have several crisp
dollar bills. You're incorrect.
Perhaps you could look again, please.
I'm very hungry.
We had donuts earlier.
I guess everyone here enjoys giving the
old Scroogey, huh?
You're all doing a hell of a job.
What I would do with you.
I think the candy comes out over there.
People drop change down here, Jerry, and
they're too lazy to pick it up. Either
that or they've got a weird little
hangup about lying face down in filth.
Why don't you just go to the cashier?
The cashier is at lunch, which is where
I'd like to be. How much was under
there? I think something bit me.
I just need another nickel. Hey, Putty
thinks I should go for the CD player.
What do you think?
He's got a live one. He's just reeling
this big fish in. Hey, can I have my
dollar back? It's wrinkled. It's
worthless.
[Laughter]
Come on,
jump.
They just put out some more donuts. They
did. Last one.
walked by Bloomingdales the other day
and I saw that massage chair we want to
get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift. An
apartment warming gift? We got to give
presents to people for moving. It's
birthdays, Christmas. It's enough gifts.
I would like one month off. Kramer said
it's a perfect gift. That's what we're
getting them. I will buy it. You pay me
back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I
have a sixth sense. Cheapness is not a
sense.
Yeah.
Heat.
[Music]
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