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Hello. Hello everybody. Welcome to
episode 62 of I Just Got My Kid to
Sleep. That's how I always introduce it
by letting everyone know how many times
I've tried this so far. 60 62 times. And
uh I'm I am honored to say that uh every
time I do it, I post. There's no been
zero redoss. Zero re like when I have
something to change, I just change it
mid mid podcast. That's That's because I
want it to be real. I want to put out
something authentic and with little very
little effort. It's called I just got my
kid to sleep. And we're keeping the
trend up of I just got him to school.
That's what you could see this glowing
light. This is not night time. This
isn't the There isn't like a light
coming in that at night like that. It'll
go away. Maybe maybe not. Maybe this
this side of my face is going to be lit
um for the whole time. And uh yeah, I
got to move the mic down here so you
guys There we go. I don't know. We're
working on it. We're figuring it out.
Um I don't I I don't know. I don't I
don't know any I I woke up today. I
didn't I did shower yesterday. Don't I
have realized it as a parent that that's
like a secret weapon. This is my good
tip for for today. If you ever want just
like extra time, you just don't shower.
And uh if you're not a parent, you can't
necessarily get away with that because
you uh you interact with human like
adults. Um and they might not know it.
But as a parent, I guess if you go to
work, you got to shower. But I don't
know. I don't uh like I would just sort
of like, oh, I'll shower in the morning
and then the morning will happen. I'm
like, well, I got to take him to school
and then got to do the podcast and then
like and then it's just like you just
save all this time and then after a day
or like a one day or like a half three
day, you can uh you can really save some
time and then also uh that shower feels
really good and you you might have to do
two anyways to make up for it. Um but I
did shower yesterday but my hair is kind
of just like it's got like a wave. It's
like it's it's My hair doesn't have
muscles, right? But how does it just
stand up? When I was a kid, my hair
always stood up in the way that wasn't
like I should have put you can put stuff
in it, you know? I guess that's this is
just it's gonna One time I was in a
store and my hair was like just sticking
up and the lady that was at the register
was like, "Hey, your hair." And I was
like, I she said it as if as if I didn't
know and then I could fix it. Um, no,
I've never been able to fix it. I went
to the barber a lot as a kid and that
wasn't like that wasn't like the best
for fixing that situation. Like
um like I feel like they I don't know. I
feel I don't know. I've never been a
barber. I don't know if you know that
about me, but I never have. Not once.
like not even one time. Um, I've never
done it. And uh, I feel like if I did,
knowing where I'm coming from now and
from where other people have came came
in the past, that uh, I would understand
the physics of hair and that if you like
do a buzz around the back, the kid's
hair is going to stick up if there's not
enough hair to balance out the physical
the physics physical physics.
uh you know he believe my barber
believed in gravity way too much is what
I'm trying to say like it would just
always just like in the right in the
back it would just always and I had to
go to a salonist a stylist my friend's
mom uh she was great she is great I
haven't gone there I don't live there I
can't be responsible for maintaining
that haircut person relationship but
finally when I was like 17 years old I
met her my stylist and she understood
the physics of it. She's like, you can't
just Here's the thing. I feel like a
barber goes in, they do their thing, and
then they don't have to live with it,
you know? But I got I got so they don't
they like cut it and then they're like,
"It's fine now." But you got to see the
future. You got to know that it's going
to grow and if it grows in a different
way, then it's going to just stick up.
It just was always like this. It was
just like not My hair was shorter back
then, too. I think when it's shorter,
you have less less of a chance to make
mistakes. Um, when you're when your
hair's longer, you get you can like like
if it's messy over here, you can make it
messy over here and then it's just like,
oh, it's just it's just balanced out. I
never know when to get a haircut because
I feel like I feel like I like it the
way it looks after the haircut and then
it grows a little bit and like oh I like
this too and then it gets to a point
where I'm like I definitely need a
haircut but then like you I don't
schedule it right away because it's got
a I have a whole list of stuff that I
got to do, you know, and uh and there's
really got to be a good reason to to
schedule it. So, by the time I get
around to scheduling it, I look in the
mirror and it's grown in a little bit
more and I'm like, "Oh, I think I think
I'm about to turn a corner, you know,
like this is it." All started when I was
uh out of college and I got cast to play
the scarecrow in uh what? Wizard of Oz.
That that scarecrow. I was the Wizard of
Oz. I was the wizard. No, I was the
scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. It was a
theater hikes production, an outdoor
theater production. I was I was doing a
show, a stand-up comedy show in a casino
at the Chipins Casino and Resort in
Harris, Michigan. And uh they've redone
it since, but in the way it used to be
was there was the stage and then the bar
and then the people. And it wasn't just
like a normal bar in front of the stage.
It was a gambling bar. like people were
actively playing video poker while you
did your show. And I I got to host I
think I talked about it before. I paid
$150, which is which is a lot of money
today to do 10 minutes on a show um
that's not televised. And I remember
telling my older brother that I got it.
And he was like he was he's a math he's
an engineer or whatever at the time he
was. He's a lawyer now. And he was like,
"Yeah, but how far is it?" It was like,
you know, it was a good drive, a good
long drive. And he was like,
"Well, then it's not that much because
you have to drive so far." And it wasn't
like he was saying it in like a way of
like like he wanted it and he was
jealous. It was just like this is a fact
and there's no reason for me to be
excited. Anyway, I was excited until I
got to the show and people were gambling
in front. Like if you've ever done
standup comed standup comedian, have you
ever been a stand-up comedian doing
standup comedy without people gambling
in front of you, it's like this it's you
know even after doing it a long time,
you still got to connect. You got to
meet in a place in between. You gotta
get there, you know? You got to you got
to there's something between you that no
one can see or but you can feel it and
the whole audience can feel it and when
it's right it's right and when it's not
right it's yeah it's still all right.
Um, but when people are gambling, it's
like I don't know. I feel that way when
I watch like uh the Olympics on TV
because I feel like they've worked their
whole life for this thing, right? And it
does. They don't care whether I'm
watching or not, but I'm like doing it
while I like full clothes or eat food,
which feels kind of insulting, but
that's just the comedian in me. Anyway,
I did the show and uh I remember the
feature and the headliner were were
nice, but uh after the show, you got the
good thing about doing shows at casinos
is you get a buff buffet
deal. Casinos usually give out really
good like food food credits. They really
like hooking you up. I don't know if
they like it, but they do it. They give
you good food credits. And so you uh I
got the food and then they had a pool
and I remember I remember the pool and
there was like a a beach painted on the
wall and uh and the pool's nicer now,
but I really liked I really remember
that beach because I went and swam in it
and I in the water and looked at the
painting and pretended like I was on a
real vacation. And then I went up to my
hotel room and uh there was a computer
for, you know, a business center. You
got to do business even when you're at
the chippens. And I looked for auditions
for plays
because I didn't want to do standup at a
casino in front of gamblers. I don't
think I consciously thought that. I
think I was very grateful for the gig.
Here's why I started doing stand.
started doing standup because uh I was
in college and I was doing a play and I
got backstage and I was like I want more
lines, you know, I didn't tell anybody
that that would be kind of rude, but I
just felt it and I'd always wanted to do
standup. So then I started doing standup
and then I was at the Chipins in Harris,
Michigan doing standup in front of
people that were losing money, actively
losing money for I didn't lose I didn't
lose money. I didn't gamble and I made
back my gas money plus some. Okay, older
brother. Uh but I was like there was
there's something in you as a human that
can look at that situation and can feel
like this is this is a good moment. This
is a happy I get to do a thing I like
and uh you know not every show is going
to be the one that knocks your socks
off.
Uh or I could look at and be like I'm
going to try to do a play. And so when I
auditioned for the Wizard of Oz and then
I did the Wizard of Oz and I was like I
think and I kept doing stand up and I
was like that was the last that was the
last play play I've done ever in my
life. That's a good life I've had where
I can be like, "Oh, my backup is
standup." And I'm like, "Let's go back
to plays."
Um, and uh, it was a theater hike and
uh, I was a scarecrow. Oh. Anyway, so
for the scarecrow, if you're familiar
with the character, uh, it's not he's
not a big part of Wicked. So, if you've
seen that play play, you seen the movie.
I don't know if he's in it. Yeah, I've
only seen the musical. Um, the musical
is a movie, but the live one. I gotta I
gotta tell you that. Uh, so,
um, the scare scarecrow has a lot of,
uh, straw and so the director's like,
"You should just grow your hair out."
Cuz we were going to save money on straw
that way. You don't have to put as much
straw, you can make your hair look like
straw. It's a smart move. And so I let
my hair grow. And uh, I went to go visit
my agent, my commercial TV agent, who
uh, one of the most supportive people in
my life really. I mean, it's been many,
many, many, many years. And uh I've
earned them very very very little money
and they still answer the phone probably
because they think someone else is
calling but
uh no nowadays. Um but they've always
been super nice and I think that's
incredible. Chicago is a great city to
start out in. And they were like, "Oh,
we we like your haircut like that." And
I was like, "Oh, this is just my
scarecrow look." But then I got head
shot and then I was like, "Now now
sometimes my hair gets long." So that's
that story. if uh anybody was ever
wondering like how I went. How did you
get from here to here? You know, I think
that's the main because it's when it's
how you're professionally look and now
it's like I don't really audition that
much anymore. I mostly just do stand up
and in standup I can look however I
choose to look. I can look in the mirror
and be like that's who you should look
like today or I can look in the mirror
and be like I need a haircut. And uh
I I uh but when you have like a head
shot and your hair is like a little long
and then they call you in and it's
really short. I don't know how they do
that. I should talk to like people who
really do just act for a living because
if your hair is like kind of long,
right? And then that's what your head
shot looks like. Real estate people
might know this too. I wonder if real
real estate real estate people ever
throw people off if they get a haircut
and it's different than their picture.
Like I'm gonna sell you this house.
Whoa. Whoa.
You're not the guy that I sat on the
bench with. I was sitting on a bench and
I was looking at you and now you look
different. I can't even look at this
house because I can't even look at you.
Have to take this all in. It's weird how
much hair is a person and also is not a
person, you know, because it's it's
really just a color and a length and a
style and a texture and uh I guess it's
a lot and uh I'm really leaning back
now. Um but I like I like I feel like
this angle is good. So,
um I can pretend I'm sitting on the
beach at Chippins indoor pool that looks
like a beach on the wall. So, because it
it's just but like if someone has a
haircut that looks like somebody, oh
that person looks like that person.
Maybe maybe like a haircut plus a
defining characteristic. Oh, you look
like that person. Isn't that crazy? Like
one time when I was in my younger years,
I uh I had a friend of a friend and we
all hung out one time and then uh we
ended up like going out on a date and it
was really nice and she had blonde hair
and then we went out on another date and
she had brown hair. No warning. No. And
like I've I've uh I haven't, you know,
been in a lot of relationships but I've
never discriminated on hair color or any
color. Um, but like I I was a little bit
thrown if I'm gonna be
honing like an audition, you gotta if
you're if you show up to the first
audition and then you look different at
the call back. It's just like But
anyway, we She was really nice. We're
friends. Um I think I think we are I'm
friends. I'm a lot of friends. A lot of
friends. Um, but yeah, so there's that.
So I don't know what the moral I think
the moral is that uh I don't think you
do should do stuff because you feel like
you don't want to do something else even
though that's what that story was and it
still turned out pretty good. So maybe
it doesn't matter. Anyway, today is
episode 62 of I just got my kid to
sleep. I'm Michael Palisac and my
haircut looks like I just woke up
because I kind of did and uh No, but I
took Jack to school and then I did that
podcast I met I meditate. I don't know
if I've never talked about this. Uh I
don't really know if I'm doing it right,
but I just sort of lay there and I
listen to a noise that's not like that's
just I can like focus on listening and
then my body my whole body re relaxes
and I've fallen asleep before. I've had
some people are like, "Don't lay down
because you'll fall asleep." My uh my
uncle was teaching me how to meditate
because I was like feeling stressed and
um and I I uh and it was like when I was
in college or something and he was like,
"You don't want to lay down because you
could just fall asleep." And I was like,
"Well, I think that would be good, too."
Like, I've had multiple people talk
about meditating and they're like,
"Well, you know, you don't if you fall
asleep, it doesn't count." Well, but
sleeping is also good. You know, they'd
be like if you went to the gym and
they're like, "All right, you got to do
the bench press." And if you uh if you
don't lay down on this bench press, then
you're not doing the bench press. And
that's how you do the bench press. And
you're like, "Well, yeah, but I also
might go for a jog, which is
good." Did that metaphor track? So,
anyway, I was uh I'm really leaning. I
feel like the camera shot is this is me
relaxed. No, I don't I don't know. I
just want the I feel like when you do a
podcast, you really got to speak into
the mic, you know, because people people
that's all people have. Unless they're
watching the video, too. If you're
watching the video, you're like, why why
is he like leaning? He's got a lean.
He's a lean lean lean. Thank you for
everyone for listening still to all of
them all the podcasts. Um, I was in um,
where was I? Uh, I got home yesterday.
Yesterday was a good day because I got
to sleep a little bit. Whenever I travel
on Mondays, I get to Today's Tuesday. I
don't usually do this on Monday. Um,
whenever I travel on t Mondays, I get to
sleep a little bit because I I can't get
my son until he gets done with school,
which is about 300 pm. 2 to 3 p.m. So,
it's a loose It's a flexible pickup. And
uh I picked him up because that's you
know I wanted to get him and we went to
the grocery store. I had the option.
Okay. I had the option of leaving him in
at school or going to the grocery store
by and going grocery store by myself or
picking them up and taking them with me.
And I did the pickup plan which I was
fine with. I don't know if everyone at
Trader Joe's liked it. Uh because here's
the the Trader Joe's by me, it's, you
know, I live in a city and they are
economical with their space and kids
when you pick them up from school. If
you go to a playground, they're going to
run. If you go to a Trader Joe's,
they're going to run. And uh I'm over
it. You know, I'm getting I'm really
getting past the point where I'm
embarrassed for my child. I'm just like,
okay, yep, you're running and no one's
getting hurt. You're not running into
somebody. All right.
All right, that that's where we're at
today.
Um, so so he's like riding he's speaking
out very loudly for and against my
purchases, which like I don't know if
you've ever been out with somebody uh
like a it might have to be a kid
probably your kid. If it's a if it's
like a kid's friend, I don't know if it
would work the same way because it's
really like family has a very specific
relationship where you you have a lot of
jokes and inside voice like inside
things that are like different voices
and stuff and you just know that stuff
and other people don't. So my kids like
basically screaming about the food that
we're getting and I I'm I don't think
it's funny. I know it's funny because I
know he's not being serious.
Like he's just not that kid that's like,
"No, no bananas, dad. No bananas." Like
he's not he's never believed in anything
that much when it comes to what I get at
the grocery store when not getting like
he wants the stuff he wants. But that's
what he's doing everywhere. Everything
we're like, "No, no tomato. No tomatoes.
No tomatoes, Dad." Just throughout the
whole grocery store. Apples. No, Dad. No
apples. No apples, Dad. No apples. I
want carrot cake
muffins. Well, those are cupcakes. Yeah,
he said he just had cupcakes. And it was
uh I knew what he was doing was funny,
but no one else was laughing. And uh
there's a chance it wasn't, but I knew
he was like his aim was comedic and he
wasn't really just being difficult. Um
yogurt dad. We need yogurt. Yogurt dad.
And I realized too that like there's the
kid out there that just demands
everything. And Jack is him, but like
he's a nice version, you know, who like
listens when I sort of agree or
disagree. And
uh and
and but nobody else knows that. They
just think there's this kid being like,
"Yogurt, dad, yogurt." I'm like, "Where
am I? I buy the yogurt dad. I want the
yogurt. Yogurt dad." And uh there's also
a chance as I'm repeating it now that I
I am uh sort of gaslighting myself into
thinking that's okay, but I anyone
anytime maybe it's because I'm a
comedian. Anytime someone's making an
effort, I'm just like, well, thanks.
Thanks for trying. You know, it's it's
hard out there. And you never say that
when someone makes a joke. That's not a
nice thing to say. If someone does tries
to make you laugh and you're like, "Ah,
it's hard." That's That's not nice. It's
not like if they're if someone's like uh
I don't know like climbing a mountain or
building a shelf and they don't do it,
you can be like that's hard to do. Um
but when someone tells a joke and it
doesn't work, you like it's hard to do
that. That's that's a better joke than
whatever. If you want to make a better
joke than the joke they just bond with,
that's the joke. Someone says something
funny, tries to, it doesn't work. You
can be like, "Yeah, it's not easy." That
That's a little comedy. Yeah. I don't I
don't give out a lot of comedy, but
that's that's
everybody's. Maybe everybody knew that.
So, anyways, we went to Trader Joe's
instead. I could have left them at
school. And um I go back and forth, you
know, because there's like an after
school thing and and they get to play
with his friends, but sometimes he say
he doesn't have friends, which as a
six-year-old, like we've gone back and
forth about this because he says he had
friends at his preschool, right? And
that at this school, he and I don't know
if that means he just doesn't know them
as well. Well, I mean, it's almost the
end of the year, but anyways, I'm like,
I'm going to pick him up early if he
doesn't like being there because when I
was a kid, we always got we just came
home from school after school, but then
we played with our friends. So, it's
like, what's the difference between
playing at your house versus like
playing at school? I think there's a big
difference. Um, but anyway, we went to
Trader Joe's and then we came home and
uh I was putting the groceries away and
then we played a little bit and then we
went to my gym because he has on Mondays
is a My Gym double header. He has ninja
training, you know, because it's 2025,
but you never need know when you're
going to need your ninja
skills. He wanted to do gymnastics and I
want him doing gymnastics, but it's the
same time. Well, it's the same day as
like another thing like soccer practice.
And I'm so excited when he does soccer
practice because it's like outside and
uh it's similar to my life. So, it just
feels okay. Like when I was a kid, I
played soccer. A lot of kids play soccer
and a lot of kids don't do
gymnastics. So anyway, my gym and then
after that they have practice and play
and um it's like free and the parents
get to go to and uh we were just making
different obstacle courses which I liked
because previously at my gym that sounds
like a TV show that's to be continued.
Previously at my gym, practice and play.
Um they have this thing that uh it's
padded and it's a tube and it's big and
Jack would go in there, he would lay
down and he have me roll them back and
forth and every time I did it he would
say
faster. And uh I don't know if you know
about me but you only have to say that
one time and I'm doing my fastest. you
know, maybe two, maybe one time I'll go
a little faster and then if you say
faster
again, I'm maxing out on fast fast
speed. So, I'm like pushing him across
the my gym floor at like, you know, a
semi-pro, not am I middle-aged,
middle-aged football player level? Like
pretty fast. I'm hitting it. I'm
sweating. Like, this is my gym now, too.
and he just keeps keeps saying faster
and then other kids want to do it and
then we give them a turn but then they
get bored and then we just keep doing it
for like a 45 minute stretch and uh and
then I start to wonder like what's the
overall health thing because we signed a
waiver you know and uh they're not
responsible for how this goes. They're
just not. If uh if this is lasting
damage, that was on me. But also, if you
put a padded tube that you can roll, I
feel like you can push somebody in it.
Anyway, this time he didn't do it one
time. We just did this obstacle course I
made up. And everything's a video game
now for him, which is like he takes
things from video games and he puts it
into like how he plays in real life. if
like we FaceTime my parents last night
and we were playing hide-and-seek and I
was wondering when this was going to
happen which is kind of sad when like he
realized that all the spots in the
apartment are kind of like known and uh
that when we can't find him it's just
you know us having fun letting him play
more. So yesterday he did a thing where
he hid in the bathroom and then he had
like uh one of my trophies here come out
and ask my parents questions in order to
unlock the magic door to try to find
Jack. And uh my parents were so like I
couldn't tell if they like, you know,
like they like playing with their
grandson, but also like I think when you
FaceTime with a kid, they expect them to
like his cousins. I think when they
FaceTime, they sit in front of a
computer and they tell them about their
week or their day and then they go on to
the next kid. But Jack, that's not how
he facetimes. He facetimes by including
you in every part of his life. And if
you're holding the phone, then you're
just the guy on the phone. Like when we
were younger, I think uh Family Matters
had an episode where Steve Urkel was
like a robot. There's a Bob's Burgers
episode where they put a screen on a
thing and move the like that's just
you're just in our lives now. And uh my
mom texted me afterwards saying that
that she liked the FaceTime, which I
think they kind of had to because they
could like we I could tell that they
were like confused by all the questions.
Like Jack's first question like he's we
played uh Paper Mario which is kind of
like an RPG game which is like a game
where it's not as much about skill as it
is about like strategy or whatever. So
he I would read him the question and
then like that's what happened in the
game. like you have to answer these
questions to move on to different
levels. And so he just starts doing that
and he's like, "Who's the most powerful
person?" And my dad says, "An elf, which
isn't a bad guess, you know, a magic
elf. That's that's playing along right
there. Way to go, grandpa." And then my
mom is just like confused. And the
trophy guy, so Jack's holding this
trophy outside the door. I'm not gonna
He's just like as if it's the trophy's
talking. It's very adorable as the dad.
Um, and uh, I also, sidebar, like it
when someone in my life gets to deal
with what I put up with all the time.
Like where it's like, oh, we can't just
do a thing. We got to do this special
version of it. I mean, you don't have
to, but when the kids excited about it,
so my, and then Jack's like, "Wrong. The
most powerful person in the world is the
queen." And if you want to try again,
knock on the door. So, I knock on the
door again and he's like, "Who's the
most powerful person in the world?" And
uh my dad's like, "The Joker." And I'm
just like, "He gave us the answer." And
then my mom's like,
"God." Okay, mom.
Um this what video game is she play?
Like that's
not Why did it have to get so like real
in her mind? like we better say God
right now because the most powerful
person in the world. I I don't know. We
go to church, you know, we know stuff.
Anyway, I just I just I just like the
con the disparity the connection of like
this is a make makeup game and my dad
doesn't listen to the answer and does a
new answer and then my mom's like says
God and then I I said I said the queen
because I listened and then there were
like two more. One was a physical
challenge where he moved his finger six
times he had to count it. One more is he
was like, "How many times I move my
thumb?" And the answer was
zero. And uh that's what I'm going
through right
now. And that's
where, you know, people some people I'm
sure I'm sure they get their kid to
sleep and their kid gets a lot of rest
and they're well rested for school, for
life. They're prepared for life. And
some kids
uh don't want to go to sleep, so they
find creative
ways to engage with the people that are
putting them to sleep. And I'm not
saying it's just as valuable, but it's
it is enjoyable. Um so anyway, last
weekend I was in Texas, Tyler, Texas,
which I didn't even know Tyler wasn't
just a name. I thought Tyler was only a
name, but it's a city in Texas where
they have the Red Dirt Music Festival
and I I did not perform in that because
I don't perform Texas country. I don't
know if that's the accent. Texas has its
own country music. Did you know that? I
didn't know that. I mean, I feel like
every state probably has people who
perform music and they're like, "Oh,
this is our people." You know, but Texas
is like like I was told that there's
Texas country musicians and they just
tour Texas and they make their living
touring Texas and if they ever go
mainstream, everybody in Texas is like,
"Well, then you're out. Goodbye. See you
later." That was the impression the
comic club owner gave me. That was the
the the
u I don't know if that's real. I found
the people in Texas to be there's a
stereotype about Texas and uh maybe it's
because of Jerry Jones or Jimmy Johnson
in my head where you just see the
Cowboys and saying how about them
Cowboys. Um but uh everyone I've met
personally in Texas has been very kind,
but maybe only kind people go to comedy
shows. I was at uh the Rose City Comedy
Club in Tyler, Texas. And uh it's a very
beautiful venue. Like the lights, the
the the things, the the lamp, the
sconces, the the sconces were pointed
out to me. They have a really good
shuderie board. It's uh if you're in the
Tyler area, um check it. Apparently,
also Tyler has really good barbecue, but
that might just be because it's Texas,
but I heard Kansas City is good
barbecue. St. Louis has really good
barbecue. Where is the good barbecue at?
Also, in my search for good barbecue.
I've had Tennessee barbecue. That was
There's a place up the street from me in
California that's really good barbecue.
And I And I know it's good barbecue
because it's like in a shack. Like, it's
not even like a restaurant you can sit.
You just got to take it to go. And it's
expensive. Um, but like where is the
good bar? Like how come where I've never
had barbecue and been like well this
one's lower. Like it's all been good. I
think it's all just a trick just to be
like try our barbecue because it's the
best. But I heard Stanley's in Tyler,
Texas is the best barbecue and I didn't
wake up early enough to go. Not that I
was slept at super late, but I went to
church on Saturday because I know that
thanks to my mom who is the most
powerful person in the world. Um, and
then uh and then I had to drive to
Oklahoma City. I did a Mother's Day show
in Oklahoma City at Bricktown Comedy
Club. And uh that was that was the
people that came out to the show were
very nice, very fun show. I had a lot of
fun. And then this week, this week I go
back to Texas. I'm turned into a Texas
comedian. I'm doing San Antonio, who did
not get the lottery pick, and uh Corpus
Christi on Friday and Saturday. So LOL
comedy club. It's not it's it's a comedy
club. It's not just a cell phone with uh
LOL. That's the joke. And then
uh Friday and Saturday, I'm at uh
Mosquite Street.
Um, so that sounds like it has good
barbecue, too. Mosquite Street. So,
Friday, Saturday, Corpus Christi.
Thursday, I'll be at um LOL in San
Antonio. And uh so I'm just going back
to Texas. That's just the way it is. I
probably could have stayed in Texas, but
I'm I just got my kid to sleep. You
know, I'm a dad. I can't just be staying
in Texas right now. Okay. Okay,
everybody. I love your state. I'm not
against it. I grew up a Bills fan, so I
had a problem and now I'm over it.
Dallas has struggled a lot lately and
based the lottery pick. Um, if you don't
know what the lottery pick is, here's
here's a little basketball. So, a friend
of mine was just telling me, a new
friend, I don't know, uh, but we were
talking about basketball and she was
saying that uh she doesn't like the
squeaking of the shoes. It's very
distracting. And I'd never noticed it
before until she said it and then I'm
like, "Oh, that is squeak." I noticed
the squeaking, but it just kind of goes
away. You know, I feel like it's just a
part of the thing. That'd be like to me
being like, "Oh, I'll go to the ballet,
but I just don't like the outfits, you
know? That's just what they wear."
Whenever I hear the squeaking on the
basketball floor, I'm like, "Oh, that's
that's that's effort. They're stopping.
They're starting." I like wearing
basketball shoes in real life so I can
get the squeaking because I then I feel
like, oh, I'm I'm keeping it going,
right? Who's who's going to guard this?
Nobody. You're in a Trader Joe's. You're
trying to catch up with your kid.
Still, I love it when Jack finds a
uh uh uh what is it called? Free sample
at the grocery store. That's very
exciting as a parent
because they want something. They want
things all the time. Kids always want
things. They've realized that they're
going to get the things they need like
food and shelter. Hopefully, you know,
hopefully you want if once they do that,
then they're like, "Well, what else can
I get? I want everything and I want it
now. I want it now." That should be so
No. Um, and I really like free samples
because we I get to give him a thing
which is good. I don't have to feel like
I'm giving in
financially. Um, and and it's we'll go
ahead and I pick it up and I give it to
him and then he tries it and then when
he doesn't like it because kids can be
picky, I get to be like, "We're not
getting it." You know, normally in a
situation with a child, you get them a
thing that they ask for over and over
and over and over and over again.
They're like, "Oh yeah, let's try new
things." And then they're just like,
"I'm done." But at the at the free
sample place, it's just like, "Yeah,
you're not going to like this. Let's see
it." I think what I like a little bit is
seeing my son disappointed at his own
workings because I feel like I've
disappointed him so much that to see him
disappoint himself, it just, you know,
it just balances things out. I haven't
like really disappointed him on
anything. like no like real like real
disappointment. He's six. He doesn't
notice really. Like I travel for work
I'm around like like over half the time.
But
um when I leave and then when I come
back he doesn't know how many maybe he
does now know how many days but uh he
can feel it anyway. No real
disappointment but like oh I want this.
Yeah we're not doing that. There was one
time we went out, we went to a Walgreens
last week because I had to get something
and he asked for three different kinds
of gummy bears and I was like, "No, no,
no." Like I like it in a child's head
that he can be like, "I want these kind
of gummy bears. That kind of" and I'm
like, "No." But and then he's the kid's
thought is it's not like, "Oh, dad
doesn't want me to buy candy right now."
He's just like, "I gotta get a different
kind of gummy bear. That's it. That's
right. Okay, dad can have these pirate
ship gummy bears which you almost I
don't think they were pirate ship gummy
bear but there was like one that I was
like that is pretty cool but I still I
still stuck to it. That's the good part
about being a parent when you get
frustrated with your situation because
we were trying to get somewhere. We had
a we're trying to pick out a school and
there was an afterchool thing, a STEM
experience, science, technology,
engineering, math for kids at the school
they were looking at and he uh we were
going to go and he was excited and I was
excited but we had to do all this stuff
first and I was getting angry at myself
because we uh we went to the bank and
this is just it started out as a short
story. Um we went to so Easter happened,
right? uh before that was lent, before
we're not going to go back to the very
beginning, but uh he got a lot of change
in his Easter eggs from the Easter Bunny
and he's like, "Dad, I want to buy Super
Mario Wonder for the Switch." We I don't
have a Switch, but his mom has a Switch
and I was like, "I'm not going to not
I'm not going to not deny." So, I was
like, "Well, let's see how much Easter
money you have. You know, I don't think
he has enough for it, but uh you know,
that's an easy way to learn about
money." And he has like an old gift card
or something for his birthday or Target.
So, I was like, "Maybe you'll be able to
get it then." So, when I was living in
Illinois, there's a bank called uh I
can't remember the name of it. The First
Midwest, and you take your change and
they pour it in a thing, and then they
give you the cash. And I was like, "Oh,
that's just everywhere." And then we
went to Chase Bank. Chase Bank, not to
speak about Chase Bank in a negative
way, but we're noticing. I don't know if
you noticed, Chase, Chase, but we
noticed, which I Googled later. I found
out a lot of big banks are like this.
So, big banks, man, you think they're
the best thing in the world and then you
find out this. I always thought they
were perfect and nice. Everyway ch we go
to Chase and I have all this change and
I'm like, "Hey, can you tell me how much
can you give me cash for this?" And
they're like, "Oh, you got to roll it."
And I have like a six-year-old sprinting
around a bank. Oh, you want me to roll
this? Yeah, let me let me fit that into
my schedule. And I didn't say that. I
didn't I'm not a big like blaming the
person, blaming the messenger thing. I'm
not going to I'm not gonna shoot the
messenger for sure. Definitely blame the
messenger. That's got to be a rough job
messaging.
Messaging. How is messaging? How is it
messenger when they're passing on a
message? It should be a messenger. Who
ruined our
language? Messenger. I was just like
kind of stunned. And they're like,
"Well, we can give you papers to roll
them with." Like, and I was like, "No."
Cuz that was my way of getting back at
them. I was like, "No, I'm not taking
your I'm not taking your the minimum
amount of assistance you can
give." And uh you know what I realized
just now? I think the reason that they
don't have a machine like that is
because they're such a big bank that
they don't need change. Man, sometimes
you just miss CO.
Like I think they would have taken them
then when there weren't quarters out
there.
No.
Inappropriate.
Um so now I have a bunch of change and
some
papers. But I think what I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna fly back with them to uh the
Chicago area. First I should call my
bank is no longer First Midwest. It's
Old National and I should ask if I can
turn in my change there. They have a
machine. If they do, it's going to
change
everything. Everything was one way, but
now it's about to change. Oh, here's a
story. Um I lost my keys and I have
spares. It's okay. But uh I get I have
to get like a new building key. And my
building manager was like, "Oh, you have
to I'll drop it off." But she forgot.
And then I saw her on her way out and
she's like, "Oh, I forgot, but I'll drop
it off later. I have jury duty." And I
was like, "Ah, I'm sorry." And she's
like, "Actually, I'm looking forward to
it." And she has like a baby, like a
one-year-old. I'm like, "Oh, that's
that's a very parent of a baby answer."
Like, "Jury, dude, I got to go to this.
I gotta go to this." What? But I have to
Yeah. Well, you got to watch your baby
because I This is I This is illegal to
not go. Well, it says you're not even
one of the first. I know, but I gota I
gotta go. I gotta go to this. I'm going
I'm going to go now. It's Friday. I'm
going to get a head start. I'm do
research on how to be a juror. Jurorer.
No, she was excit She's like, I'm not.
It's not a big deal. She was
excited. And I think when people are not
parents, they feel
differently. Anyway,
um, what
else? Oh, we went I think I don't think
I talked about this. Oh, there's a
couple things. There's a couple more
couple more
things. So, first thing is uh this is uh
like I I've talked about before, my my
son really likes video games. We play
together. I don't just have him hand him
a thing. I don't just hand him a switch
in his hand and just put him in the No,
we we're very engaged. It's usually a
Wii. There's like shaking and aggressive
and like we have joy. It's like watching
a movie, but you're in it. Anyway, so uh
we're playing Super Mario Galaxy 2. And
if you've never played that game, here's
something I learned from it. Uh you have
to get stars, right? It's a Mario thing.
And um you have to get enough stars to
go on to the next level. And we got all
the way to the end, but then there's a
bonus level, which great. And uh and I
have night not nightmares, but I have
like a some stuff in my chest from
playing Nintendo when I was a kid
because those games were hard and nobody
cared. And there were no like secrets.
There was a Game Genie, but it was like,
what are you doing? This is And you just
give up and go play outside. That was
the benefit of games being hard back
then. You would just give up and go play
outside. Now it's like, well, you get
here's 20 extra lives. Yeah. What is
every game Contra now? Like it's just in
there. So anyways, we're playing Super
Mario Galaxy 2. They save. They say like
to save as a kid, you gota just turn the
TV off and keep the game on. Anyway, so
we're playing Super and the hardest
parts of Super Mario Galaxy 2 aren't
even like the bad the bosses. For me,
it's like there's these timed levels
where there's this monkey who's like
racing you in a thing. You got to knock
up a bunch of You got to knock over a
bunch of eggs. You got to skate around.
Mario can skate. Did you know that? Uh
and then all or like get all the coins
by jumping on these heads and get like
10,000 points. And um or you got to fly
through a thing. And there's a couple I
haven't beaten yet, but there was
there's been a couple where I did. And
the thing I learned from it is like near
the end it would look like we didn't
have a chance. Like because it's it's
clocking down. It's like 10, nine,
eight. And it I would look at the score
and where we were and it looked like we
didn't have a chance. And the times
where I let that get into my head where
I was like, "Okay, we're done. It's
over. Let's try again." Is I would never
do it. I would never come
close. Sometimes I would come clo, but I
would never be. But the time, the two
times where I was like, "That's how much
time I have. This is where we're at.
Let's just keep playing. Just keep
playing." The game would like unlock a
way to earn more points at the very end
so I could
win. And I think that's how life could
be. That when things look hard and it
looks like the clock's running down, if
you just if you buy into that, then it's
over. then not your life, but like
whatever you're going for the odds of
you do. But if you just stick with what
you're doing regardless of that clock,
regardless of the points, you could keep
track. You don't have to ignore it, but
you just keep going, there's a chance
that the world might open up for you in
a way that allows you to win something
that you didn't think was
possible. There's tears in my eyes right
now.
So, I learned that from Super Mario
Galaxy 2. Specifically, the There's the
one where you're flying like a bird and
you got to beat all these other
birds and we were losing to the very
last second. I think games do that on
purpose because they want it to be
exciting. And then there was another one
that we like won at the very last
second. So, anyways, that was that was
one of the things I wanted to talk
about. And then uh we went to McDonald's
to get ice to get food because Jack uh
really likes Minecraft and not the game.
He just saw the movie and they have the
Minecraft toys at McDonald's. And last
week we went and got one and it was like
one he really liked and then uh last
week he was like, "Dad, we should go go
to McDonald's today too because we
haven't collected all the toys yet and
they're not going to be there forever."
And I was like, I shouldn't be the
parent in this situation. Like, yeah,
you're right. We should go. We should go
every day. I should go when I'm out of
town. Like, and I'm not even kidding
you. I believe that if you're going to
collect one, why not get all of them? If
you love the movie, get all the Happy
Meal toy. You know how much I love
looking at old Happy Meal toys? I have
like four still, and they're at my
parents house in this toy thing. And
they were good toys back then. They were
pullback toys. I I I'll put a video up
someday. They were they were pretty
solid toys. There used to be a
restaurant in Chicago. Maybe there still
is. It was a Thai restaurant and you'd
walk into you go to the bathroom. It was
the best one of the best bathrooms in
the city. You walk in the bathroom and
all over the walls they had like
attached old Happy Meal toys. It was
just like walking into your childhood. I
would just sit there, stand there and
just look around. And you know what they
talk about nostalgia and the trap of
nostalgia of like, well, you can never
go back, right? So why feel like you
should? But I in those moments I didn't
feel like I was going back. I feel like
they were old friends coming to me now,
you know? And I feel like that with
video games too, like old video like I
feel like they're it's not like me
reliving my childhood. It's me enjoying
something now that I enjoyed as a kid,
too. Maybe I'm addicted to nostalgia and
this is like I need intervention. But um
I agree. I was like, "Yeah, we should
go." So we went to uh McDonald's and we
got the Happy Meal. We've gotten a
different one every time. Shout out to
the McDonald's and Burbank with the
Playplace. Um, and there's a play area,
too. So, it's like a free play area,
which McDonald's play areas are not
built for parents, but I'm in there.
And,
uh, cuz playing with Jack, you know, you
play. You play. How long do you get to
play? We play anyway. So, other parents
are not playing, and I feel a little I
don't feel judged. I do feel like it'd
be nice if other player parents were
playing, but
uh, I don't want to show anybody up is
what I'm saying. So anyways, we're
playing. He gets the thing and I'm like,
"Okay, we'll go, but we're not getting a
slushie because I'm a dad and it's a
Wednesday. We have school tomorrow." And
he's like, "All right, we'll just get
ice cream." And I was like, "All right,
vanilla ice cream is probably a little
better than a than a slushie." So we get
a vanilla ice cream cone for him. And uh
it's huge. It's like 99 cent. I don't
know, but it's such a huge vanilla ice
cream cone for a Wednesday. That's a
Saturday vanilla ice cream cone. That's
a Saturday because we still have to go
to bed on Saturdays, too. This What are
we at? Disneyland. This is it's like a
it's like they looked at Jack and
they're like let's give him enough ice
cream that fill up the the height of
half his face. That's what they were
like. We're going to give you as much
ice cream as the the length of your
faces divided by two. And so he's eating
it. And like I feel this anxiety as a
parent because I want to just like eat
it for him. I'll do it if I have to.
I'll take on the sugar, the calories.
I'll I'll I'll jump on that sword. It's
almost the size of a small sword and
take that ice cream. But, you know, he's
there. Then there's the anxiety about
that that he's going to feel. So, I'm
like, "All right." And he's pretty good
at that age about just stopping when
he's done. So, he gets down to the cone
part, has a couple bites. He can eat a
cone now. Yeah. And uh and then he stops
and and he uh and he's like, "Can we
save this dad?" And so as a parent, I'm
like, "Well,
well, I don't want you to eat more, so
I'm gonna say yes." But I'm like, "How
are we going to save this ice
cream?" But then what we do is we go
back home. He's like, "You just put it
in the freezer." And so I did it, and
there was a halfeaten ice cream cone in
the freezer for a week, and then I threw
it away.
Anyway, that's that's what I've realized
as a parent. you can go along with a lot
and still get what you want. Like I
could have been like, "No, we're not
we're not saving that." And he would
have had to go through an emotional
experience and grow as a person. But
instead, I was like, "Sure." And now
there's still that hole where he could
have learned something is. So, it's not
better, but you get it. This really
picked up near the end, I feel like,
emotionally.
Um, yeah. Save this for me.
I've been doing a lot of shows lately
where people always ask your intro when
you do a show and uh they're like, "How
do you want me to bring you up?" or
whatever. And I have a YouTube special.
It's called He's Friendly. And it's
called that because I have a joke in my
special about people telling me that
their dog is friendly as their dog
chases after me. And uh I don't know
your dog. That's how your dog is
playing. I get that. But my instinct
isn't like, "Oh, friendly dog." When I
see something screaming at me and
galloping at me, like the wild animal
that he is deep down, I don't think,
"Oh, let me give him a hug." Like, I
don't think that. Okay. And the owner's
just like, "Hey, he's friendly. Well,
I'm convinced. Thank you. Thank you."
So, that's that joke. And it's a whole
thing. And that's not the whole joke.
That's not even part of the real. I just
made up that part. Uh that's like me
talking about the joke.
So this guys in in uh it's always funny
when like someone's really nice offstage
and on stage, but like then they go on
stage and they just mess up your intro
and it's just like you don't have to say
anything really. You could have just
said a really simple intro. You asked
something and then and he was like here
comes Michael or here he has a special
called I'm friendly. No, it's not called
I'm friend. Who would call their special
I'm friendly somebody?
Sure, but that's ridicul. That doesn't
No one's ever been like, let's go to
this comedy show. Why? Cuz he's
friendly. Like, no, it's the joke. It's
a joke. I am sure I'm friendly. I'm not
f there's there's waves, you know, but
it's about a dog. It's not I'm friendly.
The title of the special isn't he's
friendly because I'm also it's because
of this there's a dog and people say
that. Okay, can you get that universe
world? I was going to call it not
friendly because that's part of the joke
too and everyone's like well you are
that might be confusing to people
because you are friendly and there's
some comedians that aren't friendly and
they might
think maybe it's good
marketing. It's not called I'm friendly.
Oh, here's one more lesson. All right,
we're gonna get out of here in a minute.
Um, I went I was driving a lot and I
drove and I had to use the bathroom. So,
I went to this gas station and
uh like nothing was working. Like the
the it took my card, but it didn't work.
I had to run my card and they're like,
well, it didn't charge it. I'm like, I
don't believe you. And they're like,
well, you whatever. It all didn't work.
And I was like, ah, this and I drove a
little further and there was a really
nice gas station. So, I think that's
another lesson about life is like
whenever you need a thing, if you're in
a situation it doesn't seem like it, it
could be right there. Just get going.
Just get out of there. Just get out of
there. Un I don't know. Unless it's like
a not all thing. Don't quit your job or
whatever, but like if you're looking for
a bathroom, I guess. All right. Episode
62. Thank you. I'm Michael Palac.
I love you.
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