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Hey, hey, Grandpa.
>> Handshin.
>> Oh,
at ease. Just pull in your leg. I'm your
grandfather, not your commanding
officer. Now, come on. Give me a
handshake.
>> Okay. Right. Come on in. My dad is also
coming.
>> He is? I'm surprised he wanted to see
me.
>> Well, he doesn't exactly know you're
here. I thought it might be cool to
surprise both of you. [clears throat]
>> You know who else thought surprises were
cool? Admiral Yamamoto. We all know what
happened then, huh?
>> We do.
>> Pearl Harbor.
>> Pearl Harbor, right? Some surprises can
be bad, but this one's not going to be.
This one's going to be good. Just like
>> the battle of Midway,
>> the Bimble of Derby. Yep. We both said
the same thing at the same time.
>> Hey, Dad. Sauce me a beer. Bring the
heat.
>> No, [screaming] IT'S EXTRA REAL CAKE.
NOBODY LOOK AT THE FLOOR. NO ONE CAN SEE
THE COLOR OF THE CAKE. We can't see the
cake before Amy, which means we have to
figure out a way to clean it up without
looking at it. We have to bird box it.
>> And Bird Box is the bakery.
>> No, Bird Box is a movie where people
aren't allowed to look at things. Just
put on these blindfolds and help me
clean it up. That bird box the
stewardous and sweetened ones.
>> Dad.
Okay, that should be all of it. I think
it's safe to take off our blind. Oh
[screaming]
no. No. Look on.
What happened? We were so careful.
>> Here comes the mop. Bang. This is hard.
>> I could use a beer.
Oh, you okay?
>> The cake was blue. You're having a boy.
It's the curse.
So glad to have you here, Dad.
>> Happy to be here, darling.
>> How was your flight?
>> Oh, good. Good. You know, I did the
times cross for
>> Oh, great puzzle today, right?
>> Oh my god. 17 down.
>> Oh, I know. What about 16 across?
>> What about 34 across?
>> Oh, what about 45 down? What about 20
across?
>> Captain Holt. Uh, this is my dad.
>> Captain, heard a lot about you.
>> And you? Do you mind passing me those
crap puffs?
>> Oh, certainly. There you go. Thank you.
>> That was everything.
>> So, uh, what are you doing out here?
>> Sneaking a cigarette.
>> Just can't quit.
>> But you knew that, didn't you? Page 136.
>> What is that strange book you're
holding? I've never seen it before.
>> Jake Peralta's guide to tricking Amy's
dad.
>> What? Who put that there? Why did I use
a title page?
>> Relax, Jake. It's okay. Actually, I'm
quite impressed.
>> You are? Well, you did a ton of research
here. You made a binder. This is real
Santiago stuff.
>> Yeah, I I guess it is. I even use tabs.
>> The good ones.
>> Yes, there are good and bad types of
tabs. That's something we all know.
>> I can't believe you did all this. You
got my family tree. All of my case
files. Lot of photos.
>> Yes. And might I add, your ponytail in
the '90s puts Amy's to shame.
>> They used to call me the lion.
>> Wow. Cool nickname. They call me the
barracuda. Well, I call me that. I'm
hoping it catches on.
>> I was wondering what you thought about
one of my cases. Uh, first Essex Bank
Heist.
>> Yes, I read that one. They got robbed
the day before their grand opening.
>> I never solved that one. That bothered
me for 20 years. We should go talk to
them right now. I mean, if that would be
okay.
>> Okay? Are you kidding me? I would love
to work a case with you. That's amazing.
Looks like the lion is going to roar
again.
>> What's going on?
>> Well, honey, this man,
>> Barracuda,
>> wants to talk to me about something that
happened 20 years ago. And as I said to
that man,
>> the lion,
>> 20 years ago, I was in Pittsburgh at a
softball tournament. Oh, Pittsburgh.
Interesting. Home of the Bengals.
>> Home of the Steelers.
>> No, this is the home of the Steelers. I
set you up perfectly for that. While you
were busy establishing an alibi, your
stuns were back in Brooklyn robbing the
bank.
>> But we were at the softball tournament,
too.
>> Oh, convenient to say that now when you
have no proof.
>> Didn't you guys bring back a trophy?
>> Trophy is not really proof.
>> We also have a framed photograph of the
team, a videotape of the whole event, 39
eyewitnesses, a newspaper article about
it, and security footage from the gas
stations we stopped at on the way to and
from Pittsburgh. Okay, I got to say it
seems a little weird you're so prepared
for these questions.
>> No, it's not. My brother and I had to
gather all that information 20 years ago
when we got accused of the exact same
stuff by him.
>> Say what now?
>> So, what was that? You set me up. You
already knew they had an alibi.
>> Of course I did. I guess you must have
missed that fact when you were putting
together your sloppy, lazy, garbage
binder.
>> What? I thought you loved my binder. You
said I used all the good tabs.
>> Those tabs weren't even cascading.
>> You know why I don't like you, Jake?
>> Cuz of my binder, apparently. No,
because of my binder. Well, you think I
wouldn't do my own research, find out
everything I could about whoever my
daughter is dating.
>> Okay, fine. But it's not like you found
anything bad about me. I mean, look at
this credit score. 100
>> out of 850.
>> Oh, no. Really?
>> This binder tells the story of a sloppy,
disorganized, irresponsible individual
who's not allowed within 500 ft of
Taylor Swift.
>> That was a misunderstanding.
>> You're not good enough for my Amy. I
don't want my only daughter dating a
screw-up.
>> Oh, yeah. Well, I don't want my only
girlfriend daughtering a jerk dad. Burn
on you.
It's Amy. Can I answer it? Am I good
enough to have a conversation with her?
>> Honestly, no.
>> Well, I don't care. I'm doing it anyway.
Hello, lover. How's that butt?
>> What are you with my dad?
>> I sure am. And you're on speaker phone,
so feel free to tell me all about your
sexuality and the intercourse we might
have together. Getting it in. I was just
calling to tell you
>> there's a turkey loose in the apartment,
but somehow that's not the weirdest part
of this phone call.
>> What's going on?
>> Oh, nothing. Just had a real eye opening
conversation with your dad. I wanted his
approval, but he says I'll never be good
enough for you.
>> What the hell?
>> I know, right? Tell him he's wrong.
>> No, I'm upset with you.
>> That's right. Go get him, Tiger.
>> I'm also upset with you. What is this,
1950? I can't date someone unless I have
my father's approval.
>> Oh, obviously you can.
>> You guys act like this is your decision
to make. Like the woman doesn't even
exist in this equation. Well, this
woman.
>> Wait, Amy, shut up.
>> Excuse me.
>> I mean, I'm so sorry. You were making a
totally valid point about gender
equality, but I just thought of
something really important, so I'm going
to hang up on you. Okay, love you. Bye.
It wasn't Russo or his sons. IT WAS THE
DAUGHTER.
>> HELLO, EVERYONE.
Guess who just solved a 20-year-old
unsolvable case?
>> Wait, what? You guys figured out who
pulled the first Sussex bank job?
>> Yeah, we realized we never checked the
daughter's alibi. She wasn't at the
softball trip. She had access to the
plants and then she just confessed.
>> That's right. We arrested a woman today
because we are feminists.
>> So, does this mean you like each other
now?
>> Yep. We still love
>> Hi, birthday boy.
>> Mom, is something on fire?
>> Yeah.
>> Okay.
>> You must be Amy.
>> Let me take you in.
>> Okay.
>> I'll just take in this gorgeous front
door of yours. Mom, seriously, the fire.
>> It's fine. Things don't burn down like
they used to.
>> I'm just going to put it out.
>> Oh, must be your birthday surprise.
>> You got me the 86 Mets. Be warned, a lot
of them turned out to be drug addicts,
so this could be a bummer.
>> You ready?
Hey buddy, happy [music] birthday.
>> Dad, what are you doing here?
>> I wanted to surprise you.
Yeah. Well, I am surprised that you know
it's my birthday.
>> Actually, Jake, [music]
your father and I are uh seeing each
other again.
>> Oh, wow. That's that's so interesting.
>> Oh,
listen. I don't want to hurt your
mother. Please
don't tell her about Sheila.
>> Fine, I won't. Provided you leave right
now.
Your move, white devil.
>> Okay, we're all good. Raw garlic cures
everything. It
>> sure does. And it's so delicious.
>> Uh, where's your father?
>> Oh, Roger, you mean? He left very
suddenly. Said something about being the
worst.
>> What did you say to him, Jake?
>> What? Why do you assume that I said
something? He's a leaving jerk, so he
left like a jerk. This is what he does.
>> He's not a monster.
>> Yeah, well, you wouldn't say that if you
knew everything that he's done.
>> What did he do, Jake?
>> Nothing, you know, just like super awful
life-changing things. No follow-up
questions.
>> Is it worse than the time he cheated on
me with Sheila Boden?
[sighs]
>> You knew about that?
>> Yeah, I knew about that.
>> I can't believe you knew about Sheila.
>> I also knew about Wendy
and Bonnie.
>> Bonnie who wears a wig. She left it in
our bathroom. That's how I found out.
And also remember your turtle, Graham
crackers.
>> Dad had sex with my turtle.
>> No, no, no, no. But he he stepped on it
getting out of bed.
>> But you said Graham crackers got married
and moved in with his wife. How did I
not know any of this stuff?
>> Well, because you were a kid and kids
don't actually know a lot about their
parents. Jake,
I've dated a lot of men in the last 20
years.
>> You have? a lot.
>> Okay, you don't have to put so much
mustard on it.
>> And I haven't met anyone I like, but I
like your father. And I know he has been
a selfish jerk, but he really has
changed. Last month when I had
bronchitis, he flew in on his day off
just to bring me soup. It was this weird
Canadian soup. I I think it was just all
cheese, but it was really nice. [sighs]
>> Man, I feel stupid. I was just trying to
protect you, but I clearly made
everything worse.
>> You have been protecting me since you
were a kid.
Sometimes I think you got so good at it,
you decided to become a cop and protect
everyone.
>> Well, that's a cool thought, but I
became a cop because of Die Hard.
>> I love you.
>> I love you, too, Mom. Come here.
>> Well, well, well. Look who's trying to
skip town.
>> You told me to,
>> right?
Look, I talked to mom and I just want
her to be happy.
So, can we go back to my birthday party
now?
>> I'd love that, son.
>> This is nice. If you screw this up and
hurt her in any way, I will throw you in
jail for the rest of your life. And I
can do that now, Dad. So, do not test
me.
>> Okay.
>> I still like the hug even though you
used it to threaten me. Yeah. Well,
I kind of liked threatening you, so come
on,
>> Detective Peralta. This is my mother,
the Honorable Leverne Holt.
>> I'm very excited to meet you. And let me
just say, I'm a huge fan of your early
work. Talking about this guy right here.
>> That was humor, mother.
>> I know, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
>> I love laughing and laughter.
>> Oh,
>> yes, we all do. But enough chitchat.
Peralta, my mother's house was burgled.
>> And you want me to cover the case
because I'm your favorite detective of
all time? Yes. Also the jam- on
incident.
>> Favorite. So, why don't you tell us what
happened?
>> When I got home last night, I noticed
that the window had been smashed. The
apartment was a mess. They took all of
my jewelry. I assume they entered
through the window, but I don't want to
color your opinions.
>> Too late, but note taken. We'll stop by
later and check out the crime scene.
>> That sounds appropriate. Well, I should
be going. Detective. Captain.
>> Your honor. Detective.
>> Captain. Your honor. Hey, this is fun.
Let's do it again. Your honor. Captain.
>> Humor. Good day, gentlemen.
>> Okay. Looks like they broke through this
window, rifled through the drawers, and
then noticed
this adorbs photo of Tiny Holt with a
tiny bow tie holding a tiny toy.
>> That was his first slide rule. He
carried it with him all over preschool.
>> And then I learned to do trigonometric
functions in my head like a big boy.
Let's continue with the investigation.
>> Copy that. The alarm company said the
break-in happened around 7:30. Most
people are home at that time. Is there
anyone who knew you'd be out?
>> The people who were with me at Wine
Club. Oh my, I just remembered Carol
Spitzin's house was broken into several
months ago also during wine club.
>> Interesting. The odds of that happening
coincidentally are vanishingly small.
>> I would say infiniteesmally.
>> Yes. And I would say tenally we all know
words. So sounds like we should go
undercover to the next wine club meeting
and scope it out. You think you can get
us in?
>> I think I can arrange that. There's one
tonight.
>> Great. Final question. Is this little
Raymond's macaroni art?
>> No, that's a macaroni infographic he
made about educational spending during
the Johnson administration. Ah, of
course it is. I love it.
>> These are two prospective members,
Tyrone and Tank. Tyrone likes Bordeaux
and Tank is beloved by mothers.
>> Great. Can I get your info for our
database?
>> Absolutely. I live at 100 Charming
Avenue. And Tyrone here is at 3282nd
Street, right next to a Yuburn Pizza.
>> Great. Enjoy your tasting.
>> Thanks.
>> We have a lead, George Kenderson. We ran
his name through the system. He got a
parking ticket outside your apartment
last week. We think he was casing your
place.
>> Oh my, that is shocking. I am shocked
right now.
>> I'll get the car.
>> Jake, I need to tell you something in
confidence.
>> It's happening. It's dish time. Okay.
>> George Kenderson did not rob me. He was
not casing my apartment.
>> How do you know?
>> He was with me that night.
>> Doing what? Oh, doing you. Oh god, I'm
so sorry. I mean, way to go. I'm sex
positive. I don't know what to say.
>> George and I have been in a relationship
for 2 years. Raymond doesn't know.
Please don't tell him. I'm asking you as
a friend.
>> As a friend.
>> Copy that.
>> Lever Kenabru Halt. You're under arrest
for obstruction of justice.
>> What?
>> What?
>> I know you're sleeping with George.
>> Come on, man.
>> Raymond, I can tell that you're upset.
>> I am because you withheld information
from this detective about an ongoing
police investigation.
>> All right. I don't think this is
actually about police stuff. Maybe we
should all just take a deep breath and
consider not arresting our moms.
Fine. You're unarrested mother. And
Detective Bara, since you two are such
good friends, why don't you handle the
case on your own? Good day,
>> Captain. Daniela and her husband
confessed to the burglary and two
others. We've already recovered a number
of your items.
>> Thank you for the information. Where's
Raymond?
>> Oh, he couldn't make it. He's attending
to some urgent business.
>> That's a stone cold lie.
>> Raymond.
>> Kawa banga. Mother,
>> what? Yes,
>> we need the talk.
>> I'd say that's accurate.
>> Well, looks like my work is done here.
I'll just be leaving. Oh, damn it.
Handle's still broken off. Uh, just
pretend I'm not here. I'll close my
eyes.
>> I'm hurt.
That you didn't feel comfortable telling
me about George Kenderson.
>> I didn't know how to. We're not very
good at talking about personal matters.
>> I'd categorize that as an
understatement.
>> Yes. To alleviate some of the tension.
>> It worked. After your father died, my
personal life was very sad. I didn't
talk to you about it because I wanted
you to think I was strong.
>> And I wanted you to think the same of
me. I guess eventually we stop talking
about personal matters altogether.
>> I think it's time we let each other off
the hook. From now on, I'm going to be
15% more forthcoming on personal details
and 5% more physically affectionate. and
I will adjust in kind while also
implementing a 12% increase in impromptu
communication.
>> Oh, Raymond,
I love you.
>> I love you, too. [sighs]
>> Such a beautiful moment. Are you guys
hugging? It feels like a hugging moment.
>> Don't be absurd.
>> STOP YELLING AT ME. I SAVED THE DAY.
>> CHARLES, I'm sorry that neither of us
have the room.
>> Yes, I too am disappointed by this
unfortunate stalemate.
>> Why are you talking all Victorian?
You're lying about something. That's
what that means.
>> Nonsense, my lady. Okay, fine. I might
not be in that hotel room right now, but
my jean pool is.
>> Ew. What' you do in there?
>> I gave the hotel room to my father and
told him to check in under my name.
>> What? No. I gave my key to my mom.
>> Hey.
>> Oh, I'm sorry. I must have the wrong
room.
>> That's okay. [laughter] Yeah. Hey, wait
a second. Do we know each other? Is your
daughter Gina?
>> Yes. And you're that little man's
father, Boille.
>> Yeah,
>> we met at the family food drive. I'm
Darlene Lanetti.
>> Lynn Bole, pleased to rem meet you.
[laughter]
>> What do you think's going on here? Uh,
mix up something.
>> I don't know. Regina's been encouraging
me to have some romantic adventures.
>> Holy cow.
>> Hello, Lynn.
>> Hi, Regina.
>> Don't play games with me, boy.
>> This is a bad idea.
It's okay. Dad's got this. He's a real
sweet talker.
>> Let's cut the crap.
>> Okay.
>> What are your intentions with my mother?
>> To make love to her every morning until
we die.
>> So, it's just physical.
>> One of [snorts] you nuts. I'm a divorced
retired florist with a terrible gluten
allergy. Your mom is a beautiful,
brilliant travel agent. She talks to
people on the phone who've seen the
whole world. I'll never meet anyone half
as good as her. She's the best thing
that ever happened to me. You mean other
than Charles?
>> No, she's the best thing that ever
happened to me.
>> That's okay, Pop. You did what you had
to do.
>> I love her. All I want is to make her
happy forever.
>> Fine. I give you my blessing. But if you
hurt my mom in any way, so help me, God.
I will cut off your son's testicles.
Snap. Snap. Snap. And I'm not playing.
>> Deal.
WAY TO GO, DAD. YOU BAGGED THE BABE. THE
BOY BOYS ARE PLANNING A WEDDING.
>> BOYS. BOYS. BOYS. BOYS.
[screaming]
>> I'm Captain Raymond Holt. Welcome.
Marriage is a contract,
but it's so much more than that.
Marriage is love. It's commitment. It's
joy. It's understanding. It's patience.
It's anger.
It's reconciliation. It's everything.
[music] It's like oatmeal.
It sustains you. Darlene, do you take
Lynn to be your lawfully wedded husband?
>> I do.
>> Lynn, do you take Darlene to be your
lawfully wedded wife?
>> I do.
>> I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[applause and cheering]
>> Get it, Daddy.
>> [applause and music]
>> Amy, Jake,
>> David and I both arrived an hour early.
>> We're sharing a French onion.
>> Awesome.
>> So, she's about to jump and I say, "Hey,
I can't tell you this world is a good
place. But I guarantee you it's better
with [music] you in it." And she climbs
down off the ledge and she gives me a
big hug.
>> And that was before she won the Oscar.
>> I don't know. I don't really follow pop
culture.
>> You never cease to impress me, David.
Hey, speaking of impressive, Amy, you
just went to the NYPD shooting range and
received a gold certification in
marksmanship.
>> Oh, I just got the platinum
certification.
>> What? That exists? What did you do?
Curve the bullets wanted style?
>> Yeah, I don't know what wanted. I don't
follow pop culture, but I fired 10 shots
and they all went in the same hole.
>> Oh, so you actually did? Uh, hey Camila,
did you know that Amy is the youngest
female sergeant in the history of the
99?
>> Yes, I'm very proud of her. I'm proud of
all my children. The sergeant and the
lieutenant.
>> What? You passed the lieutenant exam?
actually wasn't something I was planning
on taking, but then my partner got sick
and I wanted to be able to send home
extra money to his wife and kids. Then I
read the MRI. He was totally
misdiagnosed. So, long story short, Bo
is alive and I got a perfect score on a
test for no reason.
>> A [sighs] man. Hey, check out these
dinner rolls. Huh? Love these bad boys.
Just going to jump down recklessly.
>> Oh. Oh, no. Jake, he's choking.
>> Let David do it. He has EMT training.
>> I'm here for it, Jake.
>> I'm going to go to the bathroom.
You know what?
>> He's going to hurt like hell.
>> I think it's actually okay.
>> What's going on? Is there a maniac on
the loose and David's the only one who
can catch him before he blows up a
train?
>> We could call him the trareniac. We're
focused on the same things.
>> Sorry, folks. We've discovered a large
quantity of cocaine in Lieutenant
Santiago's desk. We've had to place him
under arrest.
>> Oh no.
>> Everybody say possession with intent to
distribute.
>> Hey. Oh.
>> Ah, David. Hi there. That was unrelated
to your recent arrest for possession
with intent to distribute. How are you?
>> Not great. Everything I've said before
just now is a lie. I'm being framed.
I've been investigating these dirty cops
who are being paid off by the Brazilian
mob.
>> Oh, Brazilian mobsters are so
good-looking. They're just a bunch of
gazels. The women and the men.
>> Yes. It's insane. They're all gorgeous.
Anyway, I I think I got too close. Those
dirty cops must have planted the drugs
in my desk.
>> So, what you're saying is you're not
addicted to cocaine.
>> Amy, it's me. I don't even drink coffee.
I have too much respect for my body.
This is water.
>> And you didn't feel pressure from mom
and dad.
>> No, they're so supportive. I'd actually
love some constructive criticism. It's
the only way to grow. Anyway, thank you
so much for bailing me out. If you can
just drop me off at home, I will clear
my name and things can go back to the
way they were.
>> The way they were? Great. It's my
favorite way of things being.
>> I'm glad you guys are here. So, this
place is run by the Brazilian mob. My CI
tells me there's a ledger with all the
cops on payroll hidden here somewhere.
>> I'm guessing it's in that room
surrounded by armed guards.
>> Those are guards. I thought they were
models.
>> We need a plan to get past them. So,
here's what I'm thinking. I speak a
little Portuguese from that time I
opened a school in the Fabas Rio.
>> Barf.
>> What?
>> I said, Barf. I can't deal with your
bragging anymore.
>> How is that bragging? I said I speak a
little Portuguese when I'm actually
fluent opening up.
>> Gh.
>> Shut up.
>> Look, if you're so angry with me, why
are you even here?
>> Because Jay convinced me if you die, I'd
never hear the end of it from mom and
dad.
>> That's not exactly how I phrased it.
>> Look, I get it. You're jealous. I'd be
jealous, too, if someone was better than
me at everything their whole life.
>> Oh, no. Not everything. I have more
allergies than you.
>> Not the best brag.
>> I have so many allergies. I just found
out I'm allergic to chia seeds.
>> But apparently effective.
>> I'm allergic to chia and acai berries.
>> Yeah, my throat gets scratchy when I eat
stone fruit.
>> Oh, yeah. I'm also a better dancer than
you.
>> Ames, you have badly misjudged your own
abilities.
>> You think you're better than me?
>> Oh, damn. She's got a shot.
>> What? Afraid to use your forearms?
>> Pretty good. You're not using enough
elbow.
>> Guys, those aren't the parts people
feature when they dance. Now, can we
please find a way to distract those
guards?
>> Don't worry, Jake, cuz I'm about to end
this thing. Dead drop.
[screaming]
>> Ow! Ow! Ow!
>> Oh, that looked really bad.
>> Are you okay?
>> Oh, look. The guards are leaving their
post.
>> Looks like they're coming here to help
you. Jake, you should go back.
>> Are you sure?
>> Yes, I'm phone.
>> Oh, well, as long as your phone.
>> Jake, go. All right. Fine.
>> Called for backup, but it could take 10
minutes.
>> Should we storm the place?
>> Too late. Look, they're bringing Jake
out.
>> I told you I was in the office because I
work there and we've actually met a
bunch of times and it's crazy you don't
remember me.
>> What should we do? If they get away,
we'll never be able to track them.
>> Shoot out the types.
>> You're a way better shot than what you
should do.
>> What are you crazy? You're the golden
girl.
>> David, take the shot.
>> I just don't want you to feel bad about
yourself as
>> Take the shot.
>> You're under arrest, you beautiful man.
>> Cuff this son of a
Oh my god, you also smell so good.
>> Brazil,
>> thank you everyone for joining me again
to [music] David. You are my hero.
>> And to Amy, you saved my butt. You're a
great cop and a great sister.
>> Wow, that means a lot coming from you.
>> Jake.
>> K. Oh no,
>> it's me, Kate. Give me a hug.
>> Stand down.
>> Back off, dude. That's my brother.
>> Oh no, it's a mut situation. Okay, that
is nothing. The one parent teacher
conference my dad went to, he had sex
with my teacher on top of the diarama I
made of the first Thanksgiving.
>> Oh no, he ruined all your hard work.
>> Oh, not really. It was just a bunch of
smurfs on a plate.
>> He came to visit once and hooked up with
my mom's entire book club. She can't see
a copy of A Prayer for Owen Meanie
without fully weeping.
>> I don't know what that is. But enough
about our dad. What's going on in your
life?
>> Honestly, it's been a tough year. I lost
my job and the love of my life, Kurt,
just broke up with me.
>> Oh, hey, Amy has seven brothers. Maybe
you could date one of them.
>> Oh, snap. I'm down to clown. Which one
has the best body?
>> Uh, [screaming]
>> Tony, right? It's very clearly Tony. I
don't know why she hesitated. Tony got
body.
>> Tony, it is. Anyway, that's my boring
life in Dallas, but I'm here now and I
want to see the real New York. Let's
like
>> walk across the Brooklyn Bridge,
>> get tanked at the Times Square Olive
Garden, and get our pictures taken with
a human statue.
>> Right. The real New York.
>> Whenever you're ready.
>> Hey, let me get dinner. I had like 10
more drinks than you guys.
>> Oh, are you sure? Wow, that is so sweet
and totally unnecessary. What are you
doing?
>> Life hack. Hey, there's glass in my
food.
>> Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
>> What kind of restaurant is this?
>> Why aren't we going home? We haven't
even done the Sex in the City tour. Oh
my gosh. I am such a That one who fell
through the sidewalk hole.
>> Yeah, you totally are. We're just so
excited you're moving here. We thought
why not go straight home and celebrate
at exactly 8:00. Kate?
>> Kurt?
>> Kurt? The Kurt?
>> What? Oh my god. What are the chances?
Ah, Kate, you didn't tell us how
handsome Kurt is. I love your jean
shorts.
>> Babe, breaking up with you was the
biggest mistake of my life.
>> It was. Oh my god. And he flew all the
way to New York to tell me that. That's
so romantic.
>> It's beautiful. Really?
>> You're not even allowed to leave the
state.
>> What's that now?
>> Think I'm going to let my skank parole
officer stand in the way of true love?
>> Kurt,
>> he seems like a cool guy.
>> So, you were trying to get rid of me?
>> I mean, yeah, kind of. But I also just
told off Kurt for being a jerk to you.
So, who's to say which thing we should
focus on? Anyways, let's go to Olive
Garden and get tanked.
>> No, I won't because that place is for
family.
>> That stinks. Look, we're still family. I
just didn't think you should be moving
to New York. The whole plan seemed a
little, how do I put this delicately?
Psychotic.
>> I didn't ask you to be a part of my
life, Jake. You asked me. I was
perfectly happy in Dallas with no dad
and a dead mom being walked all over by
Curt and his kids.
>> That doesn't sound like a great
situation.
>> Yeah, it's bad. Okay. Which is why when
I got a call out of the blue that I had
a brother who wanted to meet me, I got a
little excited. I'm so sorry.
>> I was excited, too. But we don't know
each other. You shouldn't move here just
for me.
>> Don't worry. I'm going back to Dallas
and you won't ever have to see me again.
Until that is I'm on The Voice, at which
point you'll see me everywhere.
>> Oh, you don't like my singing? Oh, good.
Because that is the last time you get it
for
[screaming]
free.
>> She's going to do bad on the voice.
>> This is ridiculous. Listen, the choice
is yours. Lawsuit or upgrade me to
business class? Balls in your court,
pal.
>> Hey, Kate. Officers, what's going on
here? This woman said she cut her hand
on a ticketing kiosk, but somebody saw
her pull out a bag of glass.
>> That's my healing glass. And legally,
you can't ask about it. What kind of
airport is this?
>> Okay, I'm with the NYPD. I got it from
here. Thanks, guys.
>> What do you want?
>> To apologize. Look, I was trying to get
rid of you because you're a little bit
of a mess. Kind of like dad.
>> Oh, I'm definitely a mess.
>> But I was being like dad, too. I was
trying to have a relationship with you
completely on my own terms. And we both
know from personal experience that's a
really crappy way to treat a family
member. It is. Thank you for saying
that, Jake. And yes, I accept your
invitation to move in with you.
>> Oh. Um,
>> joking. I'm going back to Dallas. Don't
worry.
>> But maybe we can keep in touch.
>> I would really like that. Man, I was
worried you were never going to want to
see me again.
>> Are you kidding? Well, you stood up for
me with Kurt. You're a great big
brother,
and I have so many other enemies. You're
going to be real busy. Anyway, I should
go. The plane's leaving. Come here.
>> Nice to
>> Sir, Gina and I are worried about you.
You're drinking a second can of Selzer.
I need this to settle my nerves.
Hurricane Debbie is approaching. My
little sister Debbie, she's a real drama
queen.
>> The drama queen of the Hol family. What
did she laugh out loud one time? She's
laughed out loud multiple times.
>> Sir, you have a pretty low bar for what
you consider drama. Once I used an
exclamation point in the email. You
called me Diana Ross.
>> I assure you in this case I do not
exaggerate.
>> Raymond
>> here. Judge for yourselves.
>> Here you are. Hey. Oh my god. My trip
here from the train station. Hey, I
swear to you, I heard the cab driver
mumble under his breath, you will die
tonight. Is that not the most insane
thing you have ever heard? I mean, can
you even, Raymond?
>> I cannot even. We'll keep her out of
your hair. I'm good at distracting
people. It's what I do with my toddlers
all day long. How does she feel about
balloon animals? I'm sure she has a
complicated relationship with them.
>> Right.
>> Here she comes. No balloon animals.
>> You ain't going to believe mom's take on
this. She thinks I'm the one who should
apologize just cuz it turns out the
hairbrush ended up being in my car.
>> Yes, I'd love to discuss your hairbrush
for even more time, but I have some
pressing police matters to attend to.
>> Look at you always working. What
happened to my fun, big brother?
>> Fun? That was never fun. You take that
back.
>> I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it,
sir.
>> When we were little, we would go down in
the basement and he would build us a
fort. We would stay down there all day
and Ray would sing these silly little
madeup songs. George and Ira Gerswin did
not compose silly madeup songs.
>> Uh Debbie, let me show you New York,
okay? The buildings, the subway, the
bank, the dry cleaner. I got to run some
errands.
>> Oh, that's a great idea, Gina. Debbie,
I'm so sorry. I I won't get a chance to
see you much on your visit.
>> No babe, but a chicken wing, cuz I'm
going to be here for six weeks. I'mma be
all up in your life. Okay.
>> You got to fight drama with drama.
Debbie, it's just too much.
>> What happened?
>> Wait till you hear. Kevin is all, "Hey,
man. I'm leaving for Paris." And I said,
"Then go already. I don't care, but I do
care." And now I'm like, "Where's
Kevin?"
>> Well, I didn't know y'all had all that
going on.
>> No one understands me. And now you're
here and I love you, but like it's a
lot. Everything in my life is a hot mess
right now.
>> Damn.
>> Captain, the commissioner called again.
He wants to know when crime will be
down.
>> Are you kidding me? What am I supposed
to tell him? I'm under so much pressure.
I just can't even.
>> You got a lot on you and I don't want to
overstay my welcome if that's going to
stress you out. They will. Especially
with Mercury in retrograde.
>> I am sorry. I I didn't know. I mean, the
only reason I came is
cuz Gary left me.
>> What?
>> He was cheating on me. But you know
what? No, no, no, no. I'm not going to
burden you with that. Okay. I will deal
with that myself.
>> There has been a jailbreak and the
mafia's at it again.
Well, but my train is in 45 minutes. I
don't have to say goodbye to R. I don't
want to stress him out.
>> No, he specifically asked us to get you.
>> Hello, Debbie.
>> You made a fort.
>> I thought we could talk under here about
you and Gary.
>> I'm sorry I was pushing you away.
I want you to know that I'm here for you
and I would love to be all up in your
life.
[laughter]
>> I need to talk to you about this Bole
family vacation that my mom's forcing me
to go on. Why is it in butt thumb, Iowa?
>> Now, it's pronounced Bume and Iowa is
the ancestral homeland of the Bole clan.
I am so excited for you to get to know
all the cousins. Watch out for Sherman.
He's left a trail of broken hearts
longer than his ponytail. Well, could we
please just go to a resort where I don't
have to see your family? There's a great
one in Aruba.
>> Aruba? [laughter]
Boils don't do beaches. We're not
swimmers. We're burers.
>> Yes, I know you're all earthworms, but
Charles, even nature's most disgusting
creatures deserve pleasure. Come to
Aruba.
>> Sorry. The cousins voted and it was
unanimous. We're going to Iowa. We've
already rented the tent.
>> Tent singular.
Charles tent singular. The Council of
the Cousins.
>> Look at them. It's like a beige of pigs.
>> Gina, you seem rattled. You don't
normally make puns.
>> That's a pun on what? Listen, Charles,
I'm going to sway the council, so give
up now. Unless you enjoy being
humiliated in front of your family.
>> Oh, you think I'd be embarrassed in
front of them? In front of Don Bole? I
changed his diapers. And I'm about to
change yours.
>> Hello, cousins. Bobby, Brendan, Bill,
Bernard, boy, [music] Corey, girl Corey.
Papa Bole once said, "Stay in the
middle. That's where it's safe. That's
where we thrive. That's Iowa."
>> Charles will have you believe that Aruba
isn't for the boils. But picture this.
One long banana boat with the 15 of us
on it holding each other by the waist,
having the time of our damn lives. Do we
really want to go where Pirates OF THE
CARIBBEAN TOOK PLACE?
>> YES. [screaming]
>> THAT MOVIE GAVE US NIGHTMARES FOR
MONTHS.
>> Y'ALL KNOW I GOT y'all aqua socks.
[screaming] OH, SEVEN FOR EVERYBODY.
>> In conclusion, boils are nothing if not
loyal. Loyal to our favorite brand of
peanut butter, [music] Mr. Nuts. Loyal
to each other and loyal to Iowa.
>> I love you.
>> I love you. I'm Gina Lanetti and I
approve this message. [laughter]
I love you.
>> I love you.
>> I love you, too.
>> You guys both did so good. I think we'll
sleep on it and we'll vote in the
morning. Council adjourned. I love you.
>> I love you.
>> Okay, we're both here. Sam, go ahead.
Well, it was a real hard decision, but
ultimately we decided the boils are
going to Aruba.
>> Oh, [snorts]
>> all right, Sam. Well, I'm happy to hear
that. I think the sun's going to be
really good for everyone's psoriasis.
>> We're all so excited. All right. I love
you, Charles. I love you, Gina.
>> Whoops. Lost. Yeah. It was almost too
easy. I'm like the temple grandon of
hurting boils.
>> Yes, you are.
>> What? Why are you smiling? I don't get
it. I won.
>> Did you? You were so busy trying to beat
the boils, you became one. You learned
about our likes and dislikes, our
allergies and our phobias. You even
bought cousin Sherman a scrunchie for
his ponytail.
>> Yeah. So I could win. And you did win a
plot in the family cemetery. All of us
together lying in a grave for eternity.
>> Grave singular. Charles grave singular.
>> I found out why Gina lied about the
non-disclosure agreement.
>> Because of how invasive and crazy you
are.
>> Oh, Terry, you gullible little Rube.
It's because of which cousin it is.
That's right. I found out which boil
seed did the deed.
>> The father is Milton.
>> Who's Milton? We're not a part of your
family. He's a total loser. I mean, of
all the boils to bang, why bang Milton
boil?
>> He's that bad.
>> He's that bad. Wow, Terry, you are a
rube. Milton's a troll.
>> Okay, look. We have to be supportive.
Gina is our friend.
>> Oh my god, he's here. You guys try not
to puke all over yourselves when you see
him. Hi, Milton.
>> Oh, hey, Charles.
>> He's a boy, right? Don't look at his
weird face. You'll make him feel bad.
Hey.
>> Hey. Uh, have you seen Gina?
>> You mean ever? Get more specific.
Milton. [screaming]
>> Mily.
>> Hey.
>> What are you doing here?
>> Thought I would take my warrior goddess
out to a surprise dinner.
>> Oh, is a surprise that you can afford
dinner since you dropped out of high
school?
>> I left after junior year to be a
professional snowboarder.
>> Oh,
>> and now he owns a winter apparel company
that donates snow to the poor.
>> Water.
>> We're so amazing.
>> You're so amazing.
Oh, they're dancing now. Are you guys
doing the Lombata? Huh? I guess we are.
I hadn't noticed. Sometimes we just do
that.
>> A, you guys make a cute couple.
>> You're welcome. Now, enjoy watching us
leave.
>> Hey, I had a great idea for a baby name.
>> What is it?
>> If it's a girl, how about the Enigma?
>> Oh my god, I already thought of that.
And then if it's a boy, it could just be
>> the Enigma.
>> Bye, Charles. I love you.
>> Bye, Milton. I love you, too.
>> Come on, Charles. You have to admit
they're perfect for each other.
>> Yeah, I guess I'm happy for her. Let's
just hope the baby doesn't get his
looks. What a dweeb. No, bro. He's hot.
>> This installation is [music] composed of
Constantine's accounts of the first
Punic War in the year 26.
>> Ah, yes. The first pubic war. The
sexiest of all wars. Hi, Dr. Alin
Einstein. I have an urgent question for
you about ancient Greece. Shall we walk?
>> Of course, Dr. I feel like you said
Einstein.
>> Yes, that's correct. It's a family name.
What is going on?
>> Captain, let me just follow my lead.
Your theory is wrong. The Greeks did not
climb out of the Trojan horse's butt.
Put this on.
>> A rose shearing head at work. People
will think I'm demented.
>> Just put it on,
>> Kevin. Dr. Einstein.
>> No, Professor McGonagal. Why is Bo
dressed as me?
>> Get in.
>> Put this card in.
>> Get in.
Professor,
>> student.
>> Hello, Kevin. It's me, Raymond Holt. We
need to get you to safety. Your life is
in danger.
While Murphy is at large, he's still a
threat.
>> So, I'm going to be stuck here forever
following these over the top security
precautions.
>> No, thank God.
>> The security procedures are about to
become much more over the top. Say
goodbye to your 1 hour of open window
time.
>> But, sir, the stench. It needs some way
to escape.
>> I already feel as though I'm trapped
inside of What are those things you're
always eating? Pizza bagels. No. Pizza
rolls, pizza poppers, pizza, pizza
pockets.
>> That's it.
>> How much longer will I be forced to live
inside this pizza pocket?
>> Look, I could tell you that it'll just
be a few more weeks. But you don't want
me to lie to you.
>> Raymond, I beg of you. Give me 2 hours
at the library to work on my book. Just
2 hours. It will make all the
difference.
>> Yeah, I could go with him. Keep him
safe.
>> No library. Sheamus's men could be
lurking in the stacks.
>> I'd find that unlikely.
>> I understand, but I disagree.
>> Well, then we are in disagreement.
You'll have to excuse me.
I'm sorry you had to witness such a
vicious fight.
>> Oh, was that a fight? Are
>> you kidding? He said you'll have to
excuse me instead of please excuse me.
Might as well have spit in my face.
>> Hello, Raymond. [music]
>> So, Sheamus, are you going to kill me?
>> No, don't be stupid. Nothing like that.
I'm just going to find your husband,
bring him here, slit his throat in front
of you, then after you watch him suffer,
kill you, too.
Sir.
>> Hey there.
>> Where is Kevin?
>> Don't worry. He's safe. Look, Captain. I
just want to say that I'm sorry.
>> You should be. You should have abided by
my security rules.
>> You're right. But I want you to know I
didn't take Kevin to the library because
I was stir crazy. It's because I didn't
want you guys to get divorced. How is
that any concern of yours?
>> I don't know. I just I've been around so
many failed marriages in my life. You
know, first my mom and my dad, then
Charles and Eleanor, Hitchcock and
Brandy, Hitchcock and Francine,
Hitchcock and Brandy again, Hitchcock
and Madison.
>> Madison wasn't his daughter, but he
dropped her off at college last fall.
>> I know it was really gross. But the
point is, I just couldn't stand to see
you two fall apart.
>> Perhaps I should have been more
understanding what Kevin was going
through.
I may die here tonight and his last
memory of me will be how miserable I
made him.
>> So Peralta,
what do you have to say for yourself?
>> The whole NYPD knows where you are and
they're coming for you right now.
>> Okay, thanks for the tip. Let's kill
them both. Get out of here before the
cops come.
>> Wait, no, no, no, no. I was lying about
the backup. I came alone. Titled by sex
tape.
>> Doesn't matter. You're both going to die
now.
[screaming]
Better get some corticosteroids to treat
that lingial fracture. Sorry, I couldn't
bring myself to call him a dirt bag.
>> Then why would you? A dirt bag is a very
useful part of the vacuum cleaner.
Clearly, it's a compliment.
>> You guys are so perfect for each other.
>> Ola. Felise Thanksgiving. Jake told
[clears throat] me you were Cuban.
>> Yes, I did. And I regret it. Come on in.
>> So nice to finally meet you. I'm Victor.
>> And I'm Camila.
>> Oh, and you brought a turkey.
>> She sure did. Even though I told her
that you were making the turkey and all
she needed to bring was stuffing.
>> The stuffing's inside it and now we have
two turkeys just in case.
>> In case of what?
>> I don't know. [laughter] Anyway, it was
in the car when she picked me up. Isn't
that fun?
>> The most fun. Why don't we just get
comfortable? My dad is just
>> Hey, Care Bear. Which pants do you
think?
>> Honey,
>> the Santiago are here. Felise
Thanksgiving. How was the trip? The
flight must have been awful. This
holiday is the worst. Can we just press
pause on that and maybe get some pants?
>> Fine.
>> But yet I cannot escape your scold. What
am I? An alarm clock.
>> Ah, I got it. So, a riddle is just like
a fact that's told in a really confusing
way.
>> Exactly.
>> Hey, I used to fly with Sully
Sullenberger.
>> What he did was amazing.
>> Between us, I could have landed that
plane on the ground at the destination
without killing any of those birds.
[laughter]
>> Is my dad [music] playing piano?
>> And is my dad scatting?
>> [singing]
>> I'd like to say a few words. Camila and
I are thrilled to welcome you into our
family. So, allow me to be the first to
bless this union with a toast to Jake
and Amy.
>> To Jake and Jake and Amy.
>> Oh, thanks, Dad. That was really sweet.
>> I have a toast, too. Oh,
>> Karen and I would like to welcome you
into our family and allow me to be the
first to say that we love you. to Jake
and Amy. Congratulations
>> to Jake and Amy.
>> Get Amy.
>> Thanks, Dad.
>> I'd like to go again.
>> Oh, they're getting competitive.
>> Yeah, it goes without saying I love you
both.
>> You didn't say.
>> And I just like to add if there's
anything you ever need, the Santiago are
here for you. Do you Amy?
>> Round two.
>> Oh, that seems like plenty, Dad.
>> You know, if Victor gets too toast, then
I do, too. I would like to go one step
further and say that if there is
anything that you need or want,
the Peraltas are there for you. That
doesn't sound like a better offer than
mine.
>> Yeah, it is. It's it's it's it's a lot
better than yours.
>> Jake,
>> I'll give you my grandfather's watch.
You are now a Santiago.
>> I would like to pay for the wedding.
Amy, you are now my daughter.
>> What?
>> I win to Jake and Amy.
>> Oh, no. There are downsides to alcohol.
>> Shall we carve the turkey? Get this
dinner started.
>> I'm an excellent carver.
>> Allow me.
>> Think I can carve the turkey after all
it is. My house sitting right here in
front of me. We have two turkeys.
>> You can both carve one.
>> Yes. Thank goodness for the second
turkey. A very normal thing to have
brought.
>> This is actually very good because now
everybody could see who cuts the turkey
better.
>> You're on.
>> Wow. We're really mature.
>> You're just saying that because you know
my dad's going to win.
>> As if.
>> Hey, Roger. You like jokes? Here's one.
I'd hate to be a passenger on one of
your flights if you fly as slow as you
cut a turkey.
>> Riddle me this, Victor. Who sucks at
carving turkey thinks their rum is good
when it's bad? you up top, Jake.
>> Joyous. Uh,
>> Camila, did you put your stuffing in my
ceramic?
>> I thought it was a bowl. It's art.
>> What does that mean? What did she say?
>> She said it was a bowl. Bet you didn't
know I understood Spanish.
>> Very impressive. You learned that from
one of your mistresses?
>> Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.
>> Sounds like someone's jealous. I bet you
never even had sex.
>> Oh, I've had sex and I'm actually pretty
good. Camila,
>> the best.
>> Oh, what is happening right now?
>> Roger's really good at sex, too.
>> I'm so grossed out. You know what? I'm
sick of you looking down your nose at
us. I know the Peraltas aren't perfect,
but we don't look down on other people.
I mean, you come into our home and you
act like we're idiots. Well, we're not
idiots. In fact, I just cut my thumb
off.
>> What?
>> I just cut my thumb off. [screaming]
>> Hey, Dad. How's it going?
>> I'm fine. They reattached my thumb.
>> You know, you said you always wanted to
have a big family Thanksgiving. I had
five brothers, three sisters, four
aunts, and 12 cousins who spent every
holiday together. I had the kind of
family that you dream of. When we all
were together, huge mess. I can't tell
you how many holidays I spent in the ER,
but that's what it means to have a big
family like this one.
>> Oh, well, thank you, Victor. And
apparently, my family's a lot bigger
than I thought. How many halfsisters did
you say I have, Dad?
>> I only told you about the sisters.
>> Come on,
>> Roger. I want to apologize to you for
being so defensive about you wanting to
pay for the wedding.
>> I'm sorry, too. It was stupid. I was
just feeling insecure because
>> because I gave Jake the watch.
>> I was gonna say because you saw my penis
through my underpants. But the watch?
Yeah, sure.
>> I was thinking uh if you want to pay for
the wedding, it would be fine. But we
can split it. It's up to you.
>> That seems fair. You're a good dude.
Come here. Give me a hug.
>> Give me Hug me. Hug me. Bring it in.
Jake, it's happening. The weird but good
dad hug.
>> It's magical.
>> Everyone, this is my nephew, Marcus.
He's new in town. He's staying with me
until he finds a place. He is 31.
>> You're a terrible hype man.
>> And you must be Gina. I heard a lot
about everyone. Uh, take it. Amy, Rosa,
Terry.
>> I'm Jake. We're both Jake.
>> Scully and Hitchcock. Hey. Well, just
came to get the keys for my uncle Ray.
Let everybody get back to work. Nice
meeting.
>> Bye.
>> Holy Moses. Bye.
>> What?
>> For you, that's basically walking up to
him and jamming your tongue down his
throat.
>> Shut up.
>> Yes, Gina. That's enough.
>> You're right. Sorry. Too far.
>> Well, let me just add one little thing.
Off topic. Rosa wants to bone your
nephew.
>> Marquez, you leaving? Come have
breakfast with us.
>> You're up early.
Okay.
>> And Detective Diaz is here as well.
>> Hey.
>> Hello, Kevin.
>> Rosa, Marcus,
>> Kevin, Uncle Ray,
>> Marcus, and Cheddar. Cheddar is also
here.
>> Uh, would you care to join us?
>> Sure. Shall we sit?
>> I don't think sit.
>> Good. Then feel no obligation to stay,
Rosa. Detective Diaz. Detective Rosa
Diaz is in my breakfast nook.
>> So, who would like French toast? I can
put a bacon smile on it.
>> My being here is weird. This was a bad
idea. We shouldn't see each other again.
>> Wow. Detective Rosa Diaz has left. H
Marcus. Detective Diaz. What a surprise.
I didn't expect you for another 9 and a
half minutes.
>> See, told you it was rude to be early.
Well, let's cancel the entire evening
and try again next year. [laughter]
>> She is hilarious. Thought you might need
some help setting up.
>> I'll help with these and some water.
Thank you. Marcus, you can help with the
buff borg. I sub shallots for onions in
the mir pot.
>> No. Are you kidding? I have no idea.
>> Amy says that we should start dinner
without her. Then she writes whats colon
hyphen close parenthesis.
>> Great. It's much nicer just the four of
us. We can really get into it. Yeah,
let's do just that. Um, so Marcus, what
uh orchids can you name?
>> Oh, that's easy. None.
>> Uh, well, here are the orchids that I
can name. Bardia, Bellaglatus,
Benthamia, Defilax, Toddium, Evotella.
>> Raymond, you know how much I love
hearing you talk about orchids.
>> Great. Then there's Eryanis,
>> but I would love to hear more about our
guest. Roso, tell us about your family.
>> I have one. Oh, you got to give her more
det. Her father's a teacher. They're
from Benton Earth.
>> Speaking of which, have they finished
repairing the Hubble Space Telescope?
>> Yes. 6 years ago. So, do you have
siblings?
>> I have
two sisters.
>> I have to leave this.
[clears throat]
>> Great idea. Got to take a breather. That
was way too personal. No one needs to
know you have sisters. New topic, the
moons of Jupiter.
>> I think I might be pregnant.
>> Oh.
Oh.
Oh
no.
>> Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
>> I can see the head. Rosa, get over here.
I'm going to need a second set of hands.
>> She really doesn't want to be done with
that end. No, it's okay. I got this. I
can close my eyes, right?
>> Keep them open.
>> Oh, damn it.
>> Just keep pushing. You're almost there.
>> Oh, but Jake's not here yet.
>> Sam, I'm here.
>> Jake,
>> I can't believe I made it. I'm going to
see the birth of my We're on page 53,
BABE. WE'RE ON PAGE 53.
>> I [screaming] KNOW.
>> I RODE A HORSE.
>> WELL, we did it, Ames. We made the
world's hottest baby.
>> Say cute, Jake.
>> No, this kid is liquid fire. Crazy to
think in just 17 short years, he's going
to be 6'7 in the number one draft pick
for the Knicks.
>> And that he's going to pass up that
opportunity to pursue his true passion,
library sciences.
>> Well, the important thing is we'll
support him no matter what.
>> Even if he's a huge, huge nerd,
>> especially then.
>> Are we going to be okay at this?
I mean, this entire day felt like a
warning from the universe. I almost
missed the birth. We had our baby at the
precinct. A firefighter touched our
child.
>> We washed them off.
>> Yeah, but I'll always know.
>> Babe, we talked about this. Everyone
balances working kids.
>> Yeah, but everyone's not a cop.
>> True, but when our son wants to hear
about the day he was born, we get to
tell him that his dad helped a bunch of
people and foiled a bank robbery.
>> Guess that is kind of cool.
>> And his mom managed a citywide emergency
while actually giving birth.
I'm proud for our son to have you as a
dad.
>> Me, too.
>> For you to be the mom. I wasn't just
agreeing with the nice thing you said
about me.
>> I love you.
>> Love you, too.
>> Ah, the boils are here. Good tidings.
Genevieve. Hello. You're looking
>> sexy as a minkx.
>> I was going to say festive due to the
scarf.
>> The bra underneath is insane.
>> It is.
>> Okay. Parenthood has not changed you
two. Hey there, Nicolage, my man. How
you doing?
>> Hi, Jake. We made Daddy Lapian Christmas
cookies. Want one?
>> You bet I do.
>> The potato really brings out the
vinegar.
>> Neither of those are cookie things. I'm
just going to put that back. So, you
excited for Christmas, bud?
>> Yeah, I'm so excited.
>> This is Nicolaga's first Christmas
because the orphanage kept canceling it.
Once it was blizzards, once it was
fires, and once it was
>> famine.
>> That's right. Famine.
>> Oh,
>> Pablo promised me the best present ever.
Captain Lafia action figure.
>> Whoa. Captain Lafia. What's his
superpower? Can he talk to moose?
>> No. Possums
>> worse.
>> It's a very difficult toy to get in
America. So, I was worried when Charles
told Nicolage he would get him one. I
said, "Keep it a surprise so you don't
build up his expectations." But Charles
said, "No way. I want to build
expectations."
>> We all remember the conversation. Oh,
work time for daddy. I'll see you guys
later. Okay. I love you guys so much.
>> Love you.
>> All right.
>> Bye.
>> Christmas is going to be amazing.
Christmas is going to suck. I don't have
the present.
>> What? But you promised. I ordered it a
month ago from a lot toy store and it
still hasn't arrived yet. The shipping
company has given me the runaround. All
right. So, just get him a different
present, like a jet ski or a hammer. I
don't know what kids are into.
>> Genevieve and I worked so hard to get
Nicolasha to trust us when we brought
him home. Oh, that's going to be
destroyed the way Dry Rock destroyed his
orphanage.
>> Trust me, it's going to be fine.
>> Really? You said that about Die Hard 5.
Jake.
>> Oh,
it's not going to be fine.
>> Hey, Jake.
>> Here. Give him this from you. It's a
policeman just like you, Papa. This is
the coolest present ever. I'm Detective
Papa and I'm going to go to the farmers
market. I hope they have age.
>> Oh my god, I'm melting. I'm literally
turning into a puddle. Genevie, hold me.
>> I got you, babe.
>> Oh, honey, that flat ass is perched
right on top of my ute.
>> I'm going to pretend none of that was
said for the sake of the child.
>> We can take care of Mac and still do
both of our jobs. Trust me, we've got
this whole parenting thing figured out.
>> It's true. We're great and Mac is great.
I mean, the only teeny tiny issue is
that he isn't pulling himself up yet.
But the window for that is nine to 12
months. So, the fact that he's 10 months
old and isn't doing it yet doesn't mean
that we're bad parents. And I was
reading that Simone Biles went straight
from crawling to walking. So, yeah, I
guess I should be concerned that my son
is on the same track as a multiple gold
medal winner. I mean, get real, sir.
[laughter]
>> So, yeah, Max's having um a little
trouble pulling up, but did that
convince you to give us more
responsibility? Amy, we got to talk. I
just got a call from one police plaza.
They said they were trying to reach you
all morning.
>> Mac broke my phone. What do they want?
>> They moved your presentation up. YOU'RE
ON IN 20 MINUTES.
>> 20 MINUTES?
>> WE KNOW WHERE Franzia is. We're going to
go arrest him. I need you to take Mac.
>> No, you need to take Mac. I have to go
right now.
>> So do I. What do we do?
>> I guess we could call that creepy
babysitter you like so much.
>> THE BABYSITTER IS FRENZIA.
>> EVEN BETTER. TWO BIRDS AND ONE STONE. We
bring him to you.
>> We're not giving her baby to A SERIAL
KILLER.
>> OH, GROW UP. COME ON.
>> I'LL TAKE MAC.
>> Are you sure?
>> Yes, absolutely.
>> All right. Now, go. Everyone get out of
here. Come on.
>> Love you.
>> Right as we get there, Frania [music]
disappears into these crazy underground
tunnels. So, we have to switch over to
night vision.
>> Charles, it's all so awesome, but I
actually have to stop you because I got
to go. I have to feed this baby some
mushed up avocado.
Oh my god.
>> What happened? Is Mac okay.
>> He just pulled himself up.
>> Cheddar. Cheddar the dog.
>> Oh, he ate the cake.
>> Oh, Cheddar, you furry little pig.
>> Dad.
>> What's going on here? Why is Cheddar
here? And why is he in swim trunks?
>> Because the little sailor outfit
wouldn't fit his tush.
>> Excuse We're setting you up a Twitter
account and the fastest way to get
followers is cute animal pigs.
>> I follow an account that's just this one
real grouchy chinchilla. [laughter]
He hates waking up so much.
>> HE REALLY DOES. HE'S LIKE,
>> "This is ridiculous. This has nothing to
do with police work."
>> Exactly. It's about being noticed. And
right now, no one is noticing you.
>> I didn't even realize we were talking to
a third party presently.
>> Fine. If you really think it's
necessary, I will establish a social
media presence. But I'll be setting up
my own account. And I assure you, I
won't be resorting to foolish gimmicks
involving my dog.
>> Uh, you might want to rethink that
stance because how cute would Cheddar
look in this hat?
>> Please, when it comes to clothes.
Cheddar wears little booties in the snow
or Cheddar wears nothing. And now it's
time to send in our cute little secret
weapon.
>> I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.
>> No, Charles, not you. I was talking
about Cheddar.
>> Oh, right. Obviously.
>> Over the past month, I've had him
trained to retrieve plaques. And now,
boy, it's time to make daddy proud.
>> Yes, sir.
>> I could not have been more clearly
talking to the dog.
>> Yeah. Want a trade? Hitchcock, Skully,
and the donkey. Three for one. I'll even
throw in Cheddar.
>> Why? So he can spy on me.
>> Oh, please. Cheddar's not a spy. Aboard
she's on to us.
>> So Cheddar has an earpiece. Wait.
Here
comes Cheddar. Cheddar the dog.
>> Yeah, we all knew he was coming. You
don't have to make such a meal out of
it.
>> Go, Cheddar. Audacity means fetch.
Cheddar's been taking Latin.
>> Cheddar has been kidnapped.
>> Someone took our fluffy boy.
>> Oh my god, what happened? Well, Cheddar
and I walked to the bakery together. We
shared a plain scone. Then we went to
the park and I let him off leash. He
never came back.
>> Someone took our fluffy boy.
>> Right. You mentioned that. Now, just to
be clear, you didn't actually see
someone take him, right? So, there's a
chance Cheddar just ran away, you know,
like some dogs do.
>> Cheddar isn't some dog. He would never
do that. Someone took our
>> fluffy boy. Yes, I understand.
>> I need you to drop everything. Nothing
in the world is as important to me as
this dog. 3 minutes after 8. This man is
unhinged. You said you'd call it 8.
>> My watch is slow. Put the files on a
flash drive and have your husband bring
it to the 9inth Street entrance of
Prospect Park at noon.
>> My husband? No, I'm not involving him in
this. I'll bring them myself.
>> I don't trust you. I told you not to
look for me, but you did. Send your
husband or the deal is off.
>> I refuse to put Kevin in harm's way.
>> Understood. But I think maybe I have a
way to put Kevin in danger without
putting Kevin in danger.
>> WELL, HELLO THERE, RAYMOND. IT'S ME,
KEVIN.
>> AND I am Detective Jacob Peralta. He
didn't have anything else to wear, so he
just switched. [music] He understands.
>> Look, Raymond, a yellowrested warbler.
>> Look, Gaymond, a yellow-crusted warbler.
>> No, you're too excited. The warbler is a
common bird.
>> And then I said, which metamorphosis?
Kofka or OID. [laughter]
>> He loves it. He loves it.
>> So, that's the joke. Now, you tell it.
>> Oh, okay. So, a professor walks into a
rare books collection.
>> No, you've ruined it. Now, it's not
funny.
>> Look, Raymond, a yellow crusted Worbler.
Yes, that's the right level of
excitement for such a bird. You've
captured the essence of Kevin. You've
done it.
>> Correction. I've accomplished it.
>> Indeed.
>> Indeed. Indeed, indeed. Indeed, indeed.
Indeed, Indeed, indeed. Indeed.
>> It's growing on me.
>> Cheddar. Uh, my fluffy boy. I've missed
you. So,
>> all right, put up your hands. I'm going
to tap you down.
>> There's no need for that. Here, I have
the drive. Just take it.
>> Thanks. I'm still going to pat you down.
>> Be my guest, but you're not going to
find anything. Here's a gun. Whoops.
And another gun. I forgot about that
one, too.
>> So, the professor's got two guns on him,
and he's wearing a fake beard.
>> Please don't rip it off. It hurts
[music] so much.
>> I think the professor is actually a cop.
Something tells me I should check that
drive. There's a laptop in the front
seat. [music] Get it. These files aren't
the real deal. You and the dog are dead.
>> Well, no need to worry because
everything is on the level. It'll be
completely fine.
>> Cheddar, go. Go, boy.
>> Do you hear?
>> Yes, I do. That's the jingle of
Cheddar's collar.
>> And that's his bark.
>> Oh, it's our fluffy boy.
>> Good dog. Good dog.
>> Oh, Mr. Cheddar, how I've missed you.
>> We both have.
>> I'm putting that GPS tag on your collar
immediately. Damn it. It's not here. I'm
wearing Peralta's pants. And now my
hands are sticky.
>> Wait, so Peralta is wearing your pants,
which means
>> he doesn't have sticky hands.
>> Yes, but also he has the GPS tracker.
>> So, what's your plan here, Kingston? You
going to torture me? You going to put my
beard back on and rip it off again?
>> No. I'm going to cut off each one of
your fingers until you tell me who the
rat is.
>> I see. Well, that's bad news because I
don't know who the rat is, and I need
all my fingers if I'm going to be
Warriio.
>> You can't be Wario.
>> You can. How do you do it?
>> Well, simple. When he's approaching, you
just tap the
>> Damn it. Motion detector.
>> Wait, sir. What do you tap?
>> Get up. Let's go. Kingston, what do you
tap? What do you tap?
NYPD. NYPD.
>> SPLIT UP. COVER THE EXITS.
FREEZE. CAPTAIN. CAPTAIN. [screaming]
>> He's not getting away. HE TOOK MY DOG.
>> OH my god. It's happening.
[screaming]
>> [groaning]
>> Oh, I see you have a knife. But what you
need is an umbrella.
>> Tell them why. Tell them why.
>> Cuz there's a storm going to rain down
on you, punk. [screaming]
[groaning]
>> [screaming and groaning]
>> My goodness.
[groaning and screaming]
>> [groaning]
[screaming]
>> You took the wrong fluffy [screaming]
boy.
>> He's done. Cuff him. Yes, sir.
>> [music]
>> Heat.
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