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- Oh you look pretty sharp tonight Earl!
You're going somwhere special?
- Max I'm free, black and 75, who
know what the night will bring?
-Well here is a twenty, can
you breack this the way you
just broke my heart?
-Pop pop, Ah ah!
- Look at you,
I must say, I'm impressed
with how far you've come.
- Well, you burn a few thousand
cupcakes, you're bound to get better.
- Not just the cupcakes, Max.
Look how far you've come!
When I think of that girl who came in here just
looking to get by... Hey, and check you out now.
Big, fancy meeting in Manhattan. Lordy lord!
- It's only a meeting, Earl.
- Service, service, service,
service, service, serv...
- You heard your bro. Service him.
- Oh, crushed!
- Hey, you better be careful,
'cause I can give you a run
for your money.
- I don't have any money.
- Well, with a body like that,
you don't need any.
- Oh! Ba-bam!
- Did you actually think that was a good line,
or is that what you do so the
check gets paid by Richie Rich?
- Hold on. Who said I was rich?
- Let me see your Hands.
- What, looking to see if I have
poor-people calluses?
- No, I wanted to see
how big your penis is.
- With Hands that size,
you better be rich.
- Oh! Shazam!
- Not cool, bro.
- What's your name?
- Michelle Obama. We're closed.
- I'm William, give me your number.
- Why? So you can put it in your phone,
and never call or text or email?
- Seriously.
- You wouldn't know what to do
with a good girl if you had one.
- But you're not a good girl.
That's why I want your number.
- So how about it?
- We're closed!
- Your sign says "open till 2:00."
- My, my...
How time does fly!
- 2:00, gentlemen...
nighty night!
- What did I ever do to you?
- Oh, my God.
- What happened to you two?
- Well, we crashed through a window.
It was pretty dope.
- It was kinda like a Die Hard
movie, if they ever let girls
do cool stuff in those movies.
- The necks all right?
- We have whiplash, and I have some bruises on my back.
_ Max took the brunt of
the fall but feels nothing,
because she's mostly made of Vicodin.
- Well, I'm glad you
survived, because I don't know
what I would do without you around here.
- Aw, thanks, Earl.
- I meant you.
- I know.
- Here's the last check, Earl.
- Oh, Max, can you take care of that for me, please?
- Sure. Why?
-Uh, nothing pressing...
Just having a heart attack.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Wait, you're having a heart attack?!
- Most definitely. I've had three in my life.
We're old friends.
- Earl, you're having a heart attack!
- I'll be fine.
Have you seen my tangerine?
I had a tangerine set aside for my walk home.
- Forget the tangerine,
Earl's having a heart attack!
- Sophie, we're taking the
town car to the hospital.
- He is having a heart attack!
- On a scale of one to ten, what's your pain?
- Uh, two, we were just in the neighborhood looking for a place to have jell-o!
- Take him now!
- Sir, he has a history
of heart trouble.
- All right, we'll get him in.
- Earl, go with the nurse.
- Damn, it's a man.
- We'll be right out here, Earl.
Everything is gonna be okay.
- Have a seat and wait.
- Look at me, Gingerbread.
If anything happens to him,
- I will staple your nut sack to that chair.
That's right... it's me again.
- For the tenth time, he's fine.
- He had a minor attack, but he's in good hands.
- I would know, I had both
of my heart attacks here.
- I want to go back there and see for myself.
- Family members only.
- Well, I'm his daughter.
- Oh, really? It says here he's 75 years old...
- Well, he started late.
- And African-American.
-He started late with a honky.
I'm one of those combo babies.
Can I just get back
to playing Angry Birds?
- You are yammering on here about nothing
while the love of my life is
back there alone and scared.
- You said he was your father.
Now he's the love of your life?
- He's both, we're from the South.
- Have a seat.
- Earl!
- You in here?
- Max, is that you?
Ain't you sweet?
But you didn't have to wait around for me.
- Can we have a minute alone?
- So are you doing okay now?
- Pretty good.
The doctor said it was a mild one,
but I'm going to have to
stay here a couple nights.
- Could you find out how much
extra for me to get my own room?
- A private room?
- The last time I was in one of these
places, the guy in the bed next to me
thought he was a parrot and asked me
for crackers the whole damn night.
- Done. I'll get you your own room.
- And don't worry about the expenses.
- I got a little money
stashed away for a rainy day.
- I am not using your money.
But let me guess, "rainy day" is a strain of weed?
- Now you're getting it.
- I'll see you later.
Don't die, or I'll kill you.
- Well, well, well, Johnny.
If it isn't the famous street artist.
- Well, I'm hardly famous.
- You got that right.
My remark was
laced with sarcasm.
- Can you tell Max I'm here?
- That depends,
Are you still a two-timing bum?
- That's his name, don't wear it out.
- Hiya, slugger.
Can you do me a favor and call Earl off?
I may be on day six of my p90x,
but I'm in no shape to take on
a heavyweight like him.
- It's okay, Earl, we're cool.
- Earl, you are looking particularly
gorgeous this evening.
- Well, I would say "don't
flatter me" but let's face it,
everything came together tonight.
- Is it another woman?
Should I be filled with anger?
I mean, more than I usually am?
- I just want to look nice
for my son when he comes in.
- What? No way, I'm going to meet your kid?
- Well, one of them.
- "One of them"? How many do you have?
- So far?
- Oh, Earl, I love you.
- This is my son, Darius. He's the number one Chrysler salesman in all of Detroit,
and he's my very favorite, if
he's the one I'm thinking of.
- Hi, I'm looking for Earl.
And no, I'm not here to return
a bag of skunky weed.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so excited to see you!
Come on in, I'll take really,
really good care of you!
- Oh, you need to know I
just separated from my wife,
so I'm a little vulnerable.
_ She's not usually this nice to customers.
She's just excited. She's about to come
into some lizards.
- Yeah, again, I've been out
the dating pool for a while,
so everything sound like a sexual innuendo to me.
- He is not a customer. Look at him.
Don't you see the resemblance?
- Oh, my God, is he your father?
- Yes. He's my father.
And my mother is
a piece of chalk.
- Daddy!
- Hey Max, you know:
Daddy always told me you were special and now I see it.
And it's not just because you think everything I say is funny.
You feel like family.
- I do? Oh, I always wanted a brother...
Who was a brother.
- Max, guess what Han's doing
at the counter?
- Well, I know it's not towering over it.
- He's creating signature drinks
for the diner.
- I suggested any household
poison over shaved ice.
- Han, this is a stupid idea.
- It was Earl's!
_ Then it's genius!
_ Yep, I've been drinking all afternoon for free!
- Nice of everyone to stop by.
- Didn't see Caroline. She busy tonight?
- Oh, no, she's here.
She's out there running around,
trying to swing a boyfriend situation
with her doctor friend who
got us the V.I.P. hook-up.
- What about you, Max?
No sweetheart on Valentine's Day.
I worry about you.
Be nice if you had someone special.
- I already do.
- Ah, Max, I'm only going to be
around another 30 or 40 years.
You better widen the net a bit.
- Visiting hours are up. Friends have to leave.
- She can stay, nurse. She's family.
- Earl, I'm family?
- Yes, and the best kind of family.
You don't want my money.
- Max,
Darius told me what you did
and that was awful nice of you.
Now, here.
I am reimbursing you
for all of the clothes and for that damn puppet.
Although I swore I would never pay for beaver.
- Do you think he'll ever make it, Earl?
Who's to say nowadays, Max?
America's Got Talent.
Do they?
All I know is he's my kid, and you went
out of your way to try and help him.
- Well, I just wanted you to be proud.
- I am, Max. Very proud.
- Max, things sure are dull
around here without you.
Everyone walking around all
P.C., nobody called me black.
Hell!
I haven't laughed once since you've been gone!
When it comes to this job, you are my vacation.
- Aw...
And that Earl is why I got all five
of these gift bags for you!
- Where's Earl? He isn't here yet, and I'm worried.
- He's probably just late. Don't overreact.
- That's exactly what Janine at 911 said
ten minutes ago when I overreacted with her!
- You called 911?
When I came home three hours late last night,
you had already put all my
stuff out on the street!
Hi, everybody!
Wait a minute... where's Earl?
It's not as much fun walking in here,
if he's not down there looking up at my boobs.
- He's late!
- Late? Oh... I'm sorry, Max.
I know you two were close.
- See? That's the kind of sympathy I
was looking for, from you and Janine!
- Hello, ladies!
- Earl! I'm so glad you're alive.
- I was stuck on the phone with Barry
from my old jazz band The Early Birds.
- You may have read about us
in "Never Made It" magazine.
- Caroline and I were on the cover last week.
- The Early Birds are invited
to perform on Friday night.
- Earl!
One of my dreams is to hear you play live!
And the other one already happened...
breakfast all day at McDonald's.
Well, I hate to burst your McMuffin,
Max, but that ain't gonna happen,
'cause I'm not invited to play.
Ruby doesn't want me there! Ruby hates Earl.
- Well, then Max hates Ruby!
- We're going to meet Max's dad because of me,
It's my thing now.
-So you're giving up your other thing?
Complimenting yourself while the customers starve?
- Earl, why don't you come with?
I want my real dad to meet my birth dad.
- Sure, Which one am I again?
- We should go, Upper East Side
from Brooklyn at this time of day is crazy.
- But we came in here to show Earl.
- Maybe Earl decided not to
come since he had the night off.
- Hold up, hold up, hold up.
- Earl, slow down, your heart!
- Got held up at the florist shop, but I made it.
Here you go, ladies!
- Aww, Earl, you got us flowers?
- Wrist corsages, I hope they're still in style.
- They're a classic Earl, like you.
- Mmm, that was worth the run.
- Max. Now, I have all the
faith in the world in you.
But here's a tart from Stop 'n Shop in
case you wanted to hand this one in.
- No, Earl, Max is not a cheater!
- Since when?!
- What up, Earl? It's your girl, Max,
calling from Holly-weed, Cali-juana.
- Hey, Max, it's not the same without you here.
A lot less customers crying.
- Listen to this!
They just give you pot cards out here!
All I had to say was "Sure, I get sad."
- Hey, I'm an 80-year-old man
working at a dead-end diner,
I bet I'd get two cards!
- Welcome everyone,
Thanks for coming to very important
first official diner meeting.
- This ain't right, man,
2:00 A.M. starts Earl time!
- Earl, here's your brandy.
- Okay, we're good now.
- Here you go darling. A book bag, for school.
- So what, then? Is my surprise party after this one?
- Max, open it.
-Look inside.
- Yeah, Max, see what's inside for your big day!
Big day for Max, big day for me as well.
- What's this?
- It's a pencil case, and I love it!
And I was sitting here thinking how you
were all ignoring my part of the big day,
and then you give me this pencil case to
use in the office, and prove me wrong.
- That's for Max.
- What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Max doesn't even need pencils, She'll be baking!
Well, she'll be baked. Take a look.
- Joints!
Earl, that's so sweet, these should last me till recess!
- Look! Earl and The Early Birds!
- Where'd you get that?
- I went down the street
to Smart & Vinyl.
12.95
- You spent 12.95 on Earl's record,
but you wouldn't lend me 25
cents for a latte yesterday?
- Look, we gotta do something about Earl.
He deserves to play at that jazz club.
I mean, he is the only one at this
diner who has a chance to make it.
I appreciate your enthusiasm
but of all of us here,
you think the 80-year-old
has the brightest future?
- For as long as I've known Earl,
all he talked about is how
proud he was of that band!
And that Ruby woman is denying
him the chance to play again?
Not on my watch!
If I owned one,
which... I do not.
We are going down to that club
and talk some sense into Ruby,
because Earl would do the same
for us if we had any talent.
- We're friends of Earl.
- Of Earl?
- You know, Earl, from The Early Birds.
- You know, the guy who put this club on the map.
- Oh, that Earl!
He's a bum!
- Girl, you better check yourself!
No one says anything bad about my Earl.
- Your Ear... Well, I prefer not to go to jail
for murdering Earl's girlfriend, but...
it's not that strong a preference.
Here, hold my hoops!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Max isn't Earl's girlfriend, he's
more like a father-figure to her.
- More like a great-grandfather figure!
- He's both! Hold my hoops!
- Everybody calm down, take a
beat, jazzy beat, of course.
- I can't believe that you girls went to see
Ruby and came back with your hoops and hair!
But there's one problem: I
no longer own a saxophone!
But thanks girls, It would have been really nice.
- Obviously, we have to get Earl a
saxophone so he can play in the show.
- Max, if you put this much effort into our life, we'd be off the cover of "Never Made It" magazine.
- Okay, a-one, two, three...
- That is one cool cashier.
- Ha. He's still got it!
- Yes, he does.
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