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- Oh, look! Under the newspaper, there's some sort
of stained glass window there.Aw, pretty!
- Oh, you're finally getting the money
you wanted and you're so chipper.
- I'm "chipper", to use your word,
because we're working to earn money
to move our business brand forward.
- Stop saying "brand." And this
"seminar" better be worth it.
- Why are you saying it like that?
"Seminar," with quotes around it,
like it's a silly idea or something.
- I didn't say "seminar" with quotes around it.
- You did. You said— Ooh! Ooh,
sorry! Sorry! I was trying to
illustrate that you put quotes around it.
- I am too tired to put quotes around things!
But if I were gonna put quotes on a
word, that word would be, "seminar"!
Oh, and "branding"! And I would put big, giant,
dumbass quotes around "branding seminar"!
- Max, you did that on purpose! -
Oh, maybe it was just an "accident"!
Stop! Stop! You're spraying the light cord! Hello?
Water and electricity, not the best combo! Like
some other not-great combos I can think of.
- Us? You mean us? What, now we are not a
great combo? Oh, wow. Sorry I suggested we
go to a quote "seminar" unquote. Sorry I'm
trying to move us forward!
- Sorry that you think you
know how to do everything.
- Sorry that you resent the
fact that I know how to do business!
- Sorry that you think you know how
to do business, and maybe that's
why our first business failed.
- Sorry that you took two weed breaks every
single day instead of making work calls,
and maybe that's why our business failed!
- Sorry that I didn't take more weed breaks,
because I really could have used them working
with a know-it-all like you! And sorry—
- It's my turn! - No! Sorry that you, also, had to
stick your nose into Oleg and Sophie's business,
so that he cheated, and she got mad
and then, by an almost irrefutable
line of direct action, you killed my toys!
- Sorry that it doesn't matter how many things
I ever did right because poor itty-bitty
baby Max's happy meal toys got all broked!
- Don't push me, Max!
- You're such a fan of branding,
"just do it."; "have it your way."; "what happens
in Vegas, stays in Vegas."; "got milk?" Got any
other stupid business ideas?
-
Stop! - Stop, stop, stop it, stop it!
I am done! - No, I'm done! - No,
we're both done! - Fine, we're both done! -
Done! - Done! - No, I'm really done, Max!
I'm tired of trying to make things happen!I'm
tired of pushing us into cupcake shops!
- And I'm tired of you pushing us
into cupcake shops too. Shops that we
couldn't afford in the first place!
- Oh, my god! Oh my god, Max! Max,
are you all right? CPR, what is it? Do you do
pinch the nose and breathe into the mouth?
Wait, wait! I think you're supposed to pump the
chest first. Well, I'll never get through those!
- I'd like to make a toast, to Sophie.
- Oh, that's sweet. But not with that
glass. That's Grandma Chinski's crystal.
- Baby, I was in the middle of a toast.
- Oh I'm sorry, but... those
are my favorite thing!
- Well, you know, it's funny. I
have a favorite thing too. In fact,
why don't I just go and get it?
- Oh no, no, no, no, no!
- I think that's Polish for "No."
- Uh-huh. Yes Sophie. It's my
painting. Excuse me, our painting.
- And it's going up on our wall.
- I told you, I don't want that thing in here.
- I don't understand, It's just a painting.
What's so bad about it? Oh, my God!
- Thank you for telling me to do this, Caroline.
- She did?
- I'd get up and run, but my legs are like taffy.
- Seriously, you told him to hang that thing up?
- In fairness, I had not seen the painting
when I suggested something like that.
- I mean, I get it. It's gorgeous. But
it doesn't go with the décor.
- What? Is it throwing off
this gorgeous outdoor-indoor swing?
- I'll cut you with the carving knife!
- Nobody is cutting anyone. Especially not me.
- Do you never learn? Just put some beef in your
napkin like I did, and let's get out of here!
- Sophie, you asked me to move in.
Guess what? I moved in!
- Yes, I asked you to move
in, but not with big weird-nipple Putin!
- Well, how big are nipples supposed to be?
'Cause--never mind.
- And what's your
problem anyway? I gave you a drawer.
- This! This is my drawer. What good is this?
I can't even get one of my ball gags in there.
- You asked for a drawer, I gave you a drawer!
And who needs 12 ball gags anyway?
- Oh, so now you don't like
ball gags? Who are you, lady?
- I'll tell you who I am… I'm the
lady who's "Putin" this is the trash!
- You trash that, I'll trash this.
- Oh, no.Oh, you think you're gonna
break one of Grandma Chinski'sglasses?
- No, if anyone's gonna
break one, it's gonna be me!
- This reminds me of the first
half of my second marriage,
and the second half of my third marriage.
- You're late! This is unacceptable!
- Don't mind him. He just saw his
first vagina, and he's furious.
- Okay, here's the thing. I had to
take a nap because Oleg and Sophie
were having sex all night long.
- Punctuality is the number one
rule in my employee handbook, which
I've adorably named the Han-book.
- Relax, Han. Nobody's gonna die if I'm
not here to drop off a tuna melt. In fact,
they're more likely to die if I do drop it off.
- Late, and with an attitude. You think
you're too good for the diner?
- Of course she thinks that.
- I think sourdough breadis
too good for this diner.
- Well, what other career option do you have,
Caroline? Hmm, let's see: Cupcakes? No, wait,
your shop didn't last six months!
- Don't go there, Han. - Oh,
I'm already there and now I'm back!
- Why so moody, Han? Are you man-struating?
- Is it that time of the man-th?
- That shop was our dream Han,
and this is just a dumb diner.
- You're fired!
- Ooh! I'm fired? Max, Han just fired me.
- You Lucky son of a whore.
- I'm serious, Caroline. You called my
diner "dumb." Well, at least my diner's
still open and successful, whereas your
cupcake shop was so dumb, it failed!
- Ooh, he did not go there!
- I went there, and then I came back,
and then I went there again!
-
You know what? I don't need this.
- Well, actually, you do kinda need
this 'cause we broke.
- Broke or not,
I don't have to stand here and take this.
- I quit! - Oh, really? You quit? You must be
dumberthan my diner because I already fired you!
- The elevator opens right in your apartment?
Nope, don't belong here. Hold the doors, bub!
- We're okay. Thank you, James.
- Max, just do the opposite of
everything you would normally do.
- I already am. I'm here!
- Deke, hello.
- Go, be warm. - Hello, Mrs. Bromberg. I'm Max.
- I'm the housekeeper.
- This is Iris. Been with us for years.
- Well, it was a lovely hug. I'll
tell your parents that you've arrived.
- So what, Max? You think any black woman
you see here could be my mother? - Well, any white
man I see anywhere could be my father. Let's go.
I already screwed up.
- No, you heard Iris. It was a lovely
hug. But then again, she is being paid.
- Here, better wear my pearls. - Yeah,
right!Me in those pearls is like a monkey
in baby clothes. Just plain wrong.
- Relax, Max. - What, are
you crazy, touching me!?
Your mother comes in here right now,
and she's like: Oh there she is,
the Hooker from the projects, getting it on
with our son in the… What, fancy-ass book room?
- Deke, you have a warhol soup can? - Uh, yeah,
it used to be in my bedroom. It got moved out here
after I scotch-taped a Star Wars poster over it.
- Okay, okay. See, now, here is Something we have
in common. I used to drink that
soup. I can talk about that.
- Perfect, yeah. Talk about that.
- Yeah. Okay see, when my mother was
on a bender, I would bust open the can
on the kitchen counter 'cause I could
never find the opener 'cause she'd use the
sharp tip of it to clean out her hash pipe.
(At once) - Give her the damn
pearls. - Give me the damn pearls.
- It's just a little help. A signal to the
rich people that says, "I'm one of you."
- Do it, Max. She is gonna take you down to
downtown… - Mmm! In a car, made of… pain!
- Maybe just watch.
- On my count. One, two, three, wrestle!
- Oh... oh!
- Wrist can't
hold! Nothing in the tank! All the sexting!
- Fight Max! Put your back into it! - My back's
shot too, haven't you seen my front?
- We're staying, girls!
- Max, what are we gonna do? - I think it's pretty
clear. You're gonna have to arm wrestle Big Reba.
- Can't I just marry her?
- Come on now, Caroline, you got this. You've
been wrestling with disappointment for years.
- And I'm losing.
- On my count. One, two, three, wrestle!
- Ya'll seen the stool? Han hid it again. What
in the sweet name of Jesus is going on in here?
- Earl, I'm trying to motivate Caroline. Do
you remember any of the lines from Rocky?
- I'm gonna tell you what I tell three tourists
a day. I am not Carl Weathers!
- Max, I'm losing it!
- Help that poor girl.
- Uh, Caroline, look at all
these arm wrestling ladies in your dream dessert
bar! You were aiming for five years of class,
you didn't even get an hour!
- Hey, I can't get the carriage
in the dessert bar! The only place it would fit
was the car wash. Hey, what is all this?
- Caroline is trying win our bar back,
and I'm trying to inspire her by
pointing out how bad her life is.
- And I didn't get a text?
- Max, help! - Uh… you haven't had sex in a year!
And I think you know I'm
being quite generous there.
- It's working. She's lonely.
- You chased a dollar onto the third
rail of the subway, and you didn't get it!
- You work as a waitress in a diner!
- Did you mention the waitress thing?
- Yes I just did, Earl.
- Sorry, things are getting to me a little late.
- Wait, did… did you tell her that baby Barbara
is gonna get married before she is?
- Caroline, six years ago, you had a
Billion dollars, and now… I'm gonna say it…
- SAY IT! - Old Navy is out of your price range!
- Well, that ginger over there thinks you
look good. He's full-on staring at you.
- Well, I should hope so. If you can't
get a dude in prison to check you out,
it's time for a makeover.
- No, he's looking and
nodding like he knows you.
- Never seen him before in my life.
- Max? Max Black? It's me, Irish.
- I don't know,
dude. I think you got the wrong girl.
- Max, I could never forget that face.
- Trust me, you've never seen me before.
- Oh, damn! - Oh, my God, That's you.
- So you do remember.
- Of course. Get rid
of him. It was a one-night stand.
- See, they do come back to haunt you.
- Shirt on.
- Max, can you believe it? Of all the prisons in
all the world, you walked into mine. It's kismet.
- I got rid of yours. You get rid of mine.
- Listen, Irish. It was a one-time
thing. You're a guy, you get that.
- How could you say it's a one-time thing? I
love you! I blew up that chipotle for you.
- Listen, I appreciate the ink, but I don't
really believe in love, and truth be told,
I'm not even a fan of Mexican food.
- Caroline Channing. This table.
- Max, we have to go. My dad's coming.
- Okay. Nice to see you, Irish. Your
body looks sick.
- Max, hold on.
- I'm not going to tell you again to back up.
- Max, I'm not going to lose you twice.
- I said, back up!
- Don't tell me to back up,
that's the love of my life!
- Come on, dude. Hit the pike.
- Calm down!
- Don't tell me to calm down!
- Visiting hours are over! Everybody out!
- No, no, no, wait! I can't leave.
- Damn!
- Oh, wait. There's my father. I can see him,
he's just coming in. Oh, daddy. Daddy… Hi!
- My hands are touching a dumpster.
- All right, on the count of three, I'll push,
you hoist yourself up. But really pull yourself
up, or you won't make it.
- It's hell. I'm looking
into hell.
- 1, 2, 3! Whaa!
I wanted to scream, but it wouldn't come out.
- Okay, well, good luck. See ya.
- Max!
- I'm kidding! I'm coming around
the back. I found a place to get a leg up.
- Now? You just saw that now?
- Aah! - Why'd you scream? You knew it was me.
- That's the one I couldn't get out before.
- Oh God, look at this mess. It's like
looking for a dirty needle in a haystack,
which I've done. Okay, start poking
around. Look for familiar garbage.
- "Familiar garbage"? I hate
it in here. I wanna die.
- Well, I'm standing on a stranger's
cold sesame noodles with egg shells
stuck to my ankles. You win, Max.
- What does that have to do with me?
- It means I'm officially standing in your purse.
- How about more real garbage,
less Caroline garbage?
- Caroline garbage?
- You have been dumping on me all day.
- Me? What have I done?
- "Max, you didn't file… ever?"
- I didn't say it like that. And
you didn't file ever, Is that my fault?
- Yes! This is all your fault! Before I met you,
I didn't even think about a future. Now I have
a future, and I'm standing in a dumpster!
- You are not the only one standing in a dumpster!
And… get a new purse. If you had been able to
find a stupid stamp in that horrid thing, I
would've never even seen Earl's taxes and I
wouldn't be standing in a dumpster.
- Max, no, no, no! I will never,
ever recover from that!
- Oh my God, Max,
you're not gonna believe this, but those two
girls have issued a Cease and Desist order.
- Those bitches! What's that?
- They're saying we have to stop
selling our T-shirts. That's what I told them we
were going to do, they even copied this idea! We
need to get a lawyer.
- How? We can't even
afford Law & Order on iTunes.
- What is going on here? There's food waiting
in the window, periodicals strewn about.
- Someone's on his periodical.
- Han, we just got served.
- At least someone in the diner has.
You're lucky your boss is so chill.
- Of course you're chill,
you're one of Mr. Popper's penguins.
- How about this? We'll do the jobs you
already pay us for if you agree to pretend
to be our lawyer. You have a suit, right?
- Why would I pretendto be a lawyer? You
can't even pretend to be waitresses.
- No one's gonna Believe Han's our
lawyer, anyway. He can't pass the bar,
he can barely see over one.
- That's it! I've had it with
you two and your non-work ethic! And this area
is for customers. I want these out of here!
- Ow! - Uh oh… Max? I suppose I could dig
up a suit if that could, somehow, make
this boss striking his employee thing go away.
- What's wrong with you? You're acting weird.
- Well, why should I have to do all
the heavy lifting while you just get
to nap and see free model penis?
- All the heavy lifting?Where'd
you get that from?
- No one… Sophie.
- I knew she didn't like me!
- It's not that she doesn't
like you, she just doesn't think you're…
- What? Doing anything? She thinks I'm not pulling
my weight? She thinks I'm dead weight?
- Not dead weight, more like…
a rock… To my, balloon.
- What is that, some kind of
Polish haiku? What does that even mean?
- She thinks if I cut the rock loose,
I'll go… fuuuuu!
- Wait, so you're
siding with a woman you met a week ago over me?
- I'm not siding with anyone. I'm just saying… I
know what this is. This is "pick on the
rich girl." It's a poverty smackdown!
I heard you two talking while I was
in her bathroom, "Spritz spritzing".
You think you do everything? Fine, do
everything. You can "balloon" all over
this place, 'cause the "rock" is leaving!
- Who is it? - You're the rock! I'm the
balloon! Without me lifting you
out of your negative rockness,
you wouldn't even have a cupcake business.
I'm the reason we even have cupcake jobs.
- Oh, oh, you're the reason? Who stayed
up all last night baking 24 more
cupcakes while you were sleeping?
- You did. And who delivered the
cupcakes this morning, while you
were sleeping? I did! Me. The balloon!
- I floated over there and got paid
for the job that I got us from the
website that I'm trying to pay for.
And now, I'm going to float down this hall
and wake the hot model up 'cause, contrary
to what you and your poverty gal-pal might
think, I always do the job I'm hired for.
- Oh, no! I am going to wake him up.
Free model penis is my reward for doing
everything and being tied to a rock like you!
- Oh, see? I can't get away, because you're the
rock and you're heavier than my balloon!
- Hey, stop! This is cleaning job,
not gorgeous ladies of wrestling.
- Hey, Daddy. Me? I'm fine. A little
bummed: It's truffle season, and no
one I know knows what a truffle is,
but… Oh! Our estate auction? Yeah, I think I
heard something about that. But honestly, Daddy,
I haven't given it a second thought.
No, you don't have to worry about
me. I am not at all emotional about it.
- Whoa!… Thank God it's not flip-flop Friday.
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