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Hey Kiki,
[laughter]
>> what are you doing? Just trying to get
comfortable. Can't sleep in my
underwear.
>> Well, you're going to
[laughter]
I've been thinking, you know, about how
I'm always seeing girls on top of girls.
Are they end to end or tall like
pancakes? [laughter]
You know what I mean about how I'm
always going out with all these women?
Cuz I always figured when the right one
comes along, I'll be able to be a
standup guy and go the distance. You
know, I'm looking at my dad thinking,
"Hey, you're not him. You're you."
When they were all over you to go into
your father's pipe fitting business, did
you cave?
>> No.
>> No. You decided to go into the out of
work actor business. [laughter]
Now, that wasn't easy, but you did it.
And I'd like to believe that when the
right woman comes along, you will have
the courage and the guts to say, "No
thanks. I'm married. [laughter]
You
>> really think so?"
>> Yeah, I really do.
>> Thanks, Chandler.
>> Get off.
>> Hey, baby. Can I talk to you for a
second?
>> Sure. Okay. Um, I [laughter]
Phoebe, look, I just wanted to say that
I'm sorry, okay? I handled the situation
horribly and and I should not have lied
to you.
>> So, what should you have done?
>> Well, I I should have told you the
truth.
>> Uhhuh. which is
well, you know, the reason that I didn't
want to go running with you is because
um well, you know, the way that you run
is just a little
[laughter]
>> So, well, it's embarrassing. People were
looking at us like we were crazy.
>> Why do you care? Because they're people.
But people that you don't know and will
never see again.
>> Yes, but still they are people with
eyes.
>> [laughter]
>> Well, I didn't get embarrassed running
next to Miss.
[laughter]
>> But Oh, okay. No, no, I can see why
running with me would be embarrassing to
you. Yeah. Okay. You're uptight.
>> What? I am not up.
Listen, I am not uptight, man.
[laughter]
>> That's okay, Rachel. I'm not judging
you. That's just who you are. me, I'm
more freak, you know. I run like I did
when I was a kid because it's the only
way it's fun, you know? I mean, didn't
you ever run so fast you thought your
legs were going to fall off? You know,
like when you were like running toward
the swings or or running away from
Satan,
[laughter]
the neighbor's dog.
>> [laughter]
[screaming]
>> I'm so sorry. You're right. This feels
great.
>> See, and you don't care if people ARE
STARING. IT'S JUST FOR A SECOND CUZ THEN
YOU'RE GONE.
>> GOD, IT'S AMAZING. I feel so free and SO
GRACEFUL. [laughter]
HEY, look out for the horse.
>> You are falling fast asleep.
Deeper, deeper, deeper. You are now
completely asleep. You don't need to
smoke. Cigarettes don't control you. You
are a strong, confident woman who does
not need to smoke. A strong, confident
woman.
>> [laughter]
[cheering]
[laughter]
[music]
>> Hey, listen to me. It's like all of my
life, everyone has always told me,
"You're a shoe. You're a shoe. You're a
shoe. You're a shoe." And then today, I
just stopped and I said, "What if I
don't want to be a shoe? What if I want
to be a a purse?" You know, or or or a
hat. [laughter]
No, I don't want you to buy me a hat.
I'm saying that I am a hat. It's a
metaphor. Daddy, [laughter]
>> you can see where he'd have trouble.
[laughter]
>> Look, Daddy, it's my life.
Well, well, maybe I'll just stay here
with Monica.
[laughter]
>> Well, I guess we've established you
staying here with Monica.
[laughter]
>> Well, maybe that's my decision.
Well, maybe I don't need your money.
Wait, wait. I said maybe.
>> Guess what?
>> You got a job.
>> Are you kidding? I'm trained for
nothing.
>> I was laughed at 12 interviews today.
>> And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
>> Well, you would be too if you found Joan
and David boots on sale, 50% off.
>> Oh, how well you know me.
>> They're my new I don't need a job. I
don't need my parents. I've got great
boots. Boots.
How'd you pay for them?
>> Uh, credit card. Mhm.
>> And who pays for that?
>> Um, my father.
[laughter]
>> Come on. You can't live off your parents
your whole life.
>> I know that. That's why I was getting
married.
Give her a break. It's hard being on
your own for the first time.
>> Thank you. You're welcome. I remember
when I first came to this city. I was
14. My mom had just killed herself and
my stepdad was back in prison. And I got
here and I didn't know anybody. And I
ended up living with this albino guy who
was like cleaning windshields outside
Port Authority. And then he killed
himself.
And then I found aroma therapy. So
believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
>> The word you're looking for is
anyway.
[laughter]
All right. You ready?
>> I don't think so. Oh, come on. Cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
>> Hey,
[cheering]
[applause]
welcome to the real world. It sucks.
You're going to love it.
>> Hi.
>> Hey.
>> Listen, I wanted to ask you something
about marriage.
>> Oh, great. Now you're seeking me out to
make jokes. I mean, I can see if we're
all hanging out, but to come to my home.
[laughter]
>> No, I really want to know how you feel
about it.
>> Why? Mike doesn't ever want to get
married.
>> Never.
>> Never.
>> Wow. Well, you're still going to move in
with him?
>> Well, I want to, but I just wanted you
to tell me that marriage really isn't
that big a deal. You know, that I won't
I won't be missing out on anything. That
marriage stinks.
>> Yeah, marriage stinks.
I mean, if you want to see a man gain
weight and a woman stop shaving, get him
married. [laughter]
That's not how you really feel, is it?
>> No, I'm sorry.
>> Look, I I know it's not what you want to
hear right now, but I can't help it. I I
love marriage.
>> Seriously, you divorceo. [laughter]
>> If you have to call me a name, I prefer
Ross the divorcer. It's just cooler.
Look, look. I know my marriages didn't
exactly work out, but you know, I I
loved being that committed to another
person. And Carol and I had some good
times before she became a lesbian and
once afterward.
Anyway, I'm I'm sorry.
>> It's okay. That's how you feel.
>> But come on. I mean, living together
will be great. I mean, you guys have so
much fun. And you love Mike.
>> I do love Mike. Ah, see, and you were so
excited about moving in together before.
And you know what? You should be. It's a
big deal.
>> Yeah, I guess you're right.
Yeah, thanks. This helped. Thanks.
>> The divorcer to the rescue. [laughter]
>> It's not cooler.
>> Yeah, I just heard it. Come on, you
guys. My own TV show. I just I don't
know if I'm good enough.
>> I am.
>> Joey, what are you talking about? You're
a terrific actor.
You really think so?
>> How can you even ask that question?
>> Whoa, she's pretty. Yeah. Oh, and she's
really nice, too. She taught me all
about, you know, how to work with the
cameras and smell the fart acting.
>> I'm sorry.
>> It's like you got so many lines to learn
so fast that sometimes you need a minute
to remember your next one. So, while
you're thinking of it, you take this big
pause where you look all intense, you
know, like this.
>> Okay.
>> Oh, here's my scene. Here's my scene.
>> Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramore, your
sister's neurosurgeon. Your sister is
suffering from a
>> I play Al Puccini's butt.
All right. He goes into the shower and
then I'm his butt.
>> Oh my god.
>> Come on, you guys. This is a real movie
and Al Puccini's in it and that's big.
>> Oh, no. It's terrific. It's It's You
know, you deserve this. After all your
years of struggling, you've finally been
able to crack your way into [laughter]
>> Okay. Okay, fine. Make jokes. I don't
care. This is a big break for me.
>> No, you're right. You're right. It is.
Yeah.
>> So, you're going to invite us all to the
big opening? [laughter]
>> All right. Well, I'm out of here. Wish
me luck.
>> Good luck. [singing] Good luck. We all
wish you good luck.
>> Yeah, whatever.
>> Joshua was not going to be there.
>> What happened?
>> Um, well, I think I think he broke up
with me.
>> No. Why?
>> Well, apparently he scares easy.
>> [laughter]
>> I'm sorry.
>> It's okay.
>> Sometimes
things don't work out the way you
thought they would.
>> Come here.
>> Oh, hey. Don't you have to go pick up
Emily?
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Are you okay?
>> Yeah. I got my girls.
>> Hey, you know what might cheer you up?
>> What?
You know, I got to tell you, this really
does put me in a better mood.
[laughter]
>> I wish there was a job where I could
wear this all the time. [laughter]
>> Maybe someday there will be.
>> I'll tell you one thing. I wouldn't mind
having a piece of this sundried tomato
business. Five years ago, if somebody
had said to me, "Here's a tomato that
looks like a prune," I'd have said, "Get
out of my office. [laughter]
Dad, before I was born, did you freak
out at all?
>> I'm not freaking out. I'm just saying if
someone had come to me with the idea of
this.
>> Dad, Dad, Dad, I'm talking about the
whole uh baby thing. Did you uh ever get
this sort of panicky, oh my god, I'm
going to be a father kind of a thing?
>> No. [laughter]
Your mother really did the work. I was
busy with the business. I wasn't around
that much. Is that what this is about?
>> No, no, Dad. I was just wondering.
>> Cuz it's time to make up for that. We
can do stuff together. You always wanted
to go to that colonial Williamsburg. How
about we do that?
>> Thanks, Dad. Really? I just, you know, I
just I just [laughter]
I just needed to know. Um,
when did you start to feel like a
father?
Oh, well, I I guess it must have been
the day after you were born. We were in
the hospital room. Your mother was
asleep, and they brought you in and gave
you to me. You were this ugly little red
thing. [laughter]
And all of a sudden, you grabbed my
finger with your whole fist and you
squeezed it so tight.
And that's when I knew
So, you don't want to go to
Williamsburg? [laughter]
>> Well, we can go to Williamsburg.
>> Eat your fish.
>> I am sorry about what I said.
>> Nope. Nope. You're right. It is a
ridiculous name. [laughter]
>> It's not that bad.
>> Yes, it is.
From now on, I have no first name.
[laughter]
So you're just Bing.
I have no name.
>> All right. So what are we supposed to
call you?
>> Okay. Uh for now, temporarily, you can
call me
Clint.
[laughter]
>> No way. Are you cool enough to pull off
Clint?
>> Okay. So what name am I cool enough to
pull off?
>> Um Jean.
[laughter]
>> It's Clint. It's clicked.
>> See you later, Jean.
>> Bye, Jean.
>> It's clicked. Clicked.
>> What's up with Jean?
>> Drum roll.
>> Okay. Okay. All right.
Help.
>> Am I a Mark or a John? [laughter]
You're not tall enough to be a Mark,
>> but you might make a good Barney.
>> All right, look. I am serious, okay?
Tomorrow at 3:30, I'm going down to the
courthouse.
>> You're actually going through with this.
>> Hey, look. This name has been holding me
back my entire life, okay? It's probably
why kids picked on me in school and why
I never do well with women. So, as of
4:00 tomorrow, I'm either going to be
Mark Johnson or John Marson.
[laughter]
>> You've got problems because of you, NOT
YOUR NAME.
>> [laughter]
>> THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Chandler is a
great name. In fact,
>> yes,
>> I'm I'm sorry. I know you really wanted
me to name the baby Joey, but So, I'm
I'm going to I'm going to name the baby
Chandler.
[laughter]
>> Really?
>> Yeah. But you have to keep the name,
too.
>> Okay. Thanks.
>> Okay.
>> You want to hug it out?
>> Yeah.
Yay!
>> Yay! Oh, yay! Okay, I got to go tell
Frank and Alice right now.
>> Bye, Febs.
>> Okay, BYE.
>> Happy birthday.
[screaming]
[laughter]
>> IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
HEY, [laughter]
she's not as pretty as she was when she
was 29. [laughter]
>> Miss Green would like to establish some
ground rules before she comes out. She
would appreciate it if you didn't use
the words old or downhill or they still
look pretty damn good. [laughter]
>> They do.
[laughter]
>> Rachel, come on out. Monica made
breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakes.
>> We've got presents.
[laughter]
>> Good ones.
>> They all came from the list you handed
out to us two weeks ago. [laughter]
>> Well, can I keep the presents and still
be 29?
>> Come on, Ra. Look, turning 30 is not
that big a deal.
>> Oh, really? Is that how you felt when
you turned 30?
>> WHY, GOD? WHY?
>> YOU WANT TO get this tattoo?
>> Yes, I do. It's just that Ross is
>> Okay. Hey. Hey. Is your boyfriend the
boss of you?
No. Okay. Who is the boss of you?
You.
No. You are the boss of you. Now you
march your heiny in there and get that
heart tattooed on your hip. Go.
[laughter]
>> Oh, it looks so good. Oh, I love it. I
know. So do I. Oh, Phoebe. I'm so glad
you made me do this. Okay, let me see
yours.
[laughter]
Okay, let's see yours again.
Baby, we just saw mine. Let me see
yours. Oh, okay.
Oh, no. Oh, it's gone. That's so weird.
I don't know how where it went.
[laughter]
>> You didn't get it?
>> No.
>> Why didn't you get it? I'm sorry. I'm
sorry,
>> baby. How could you do this to me? This
was all your idea.
>> I know. I know. And I was going to get
it, but then he came in with this
needle. And like, did you know they do
this with needles?
>> Really? You don't say. Because mine was
licked on by kittens.
>> It'll be great. You just make her think
you want to have sex with her. It'll
totally figure out.
>> Okay, listen. How far am I going to have
to go with her?
>> Relax. She's going to give in way before
you do.
>> How do you know? Because you're on my
team and my team always wins
>> at this. [laughter]
Just go get some. Go.
>> Okay, honey. No, I'm going to try to
listen from right here.
>> Okay.
>> Okay. Oh, wait.
>> Good idea.
>> Yeah. Oh, wait. Don't give away the
farm. Okay, [laughter]
>> Phoebe.
Chandler,
>> come on in. [laughter]
>> I was going to.
>> Um, I brought some wine. Would you like
some?
>> Sure.
[laughter]
>> So, here we are.
>> Nervous?
>> Me? No. You?
>> No. I want this to happen. [laughter]
So do I.
>> Just a two week thing anyway. I just
didn't want it to end this way, you
know.
>> Or maybe you didn't want it to end.
>> What do you mean?
>> You seem to really like her.
>> Yeah, I really do.
>> Yeah, but what am I going to do? I mean,
we we both agreed it was going to be a
two week thing, you know, no commitment.
>> Ross,
that girl just spent the entire evening
talking to your friends,
asking to hear stories about you,
looking through Monica's photo albums.
I mean, you don't do that if you're just
in it for two weeks.
>> You think?
>> Yeah.
You've got like 14 hours until she has
to be at the airport and you're sitting
here in a hallway with a 28-year-old
cheerleader with a fat lip.
[laughter]
>> Yeah, you're right.
>> Yeah.
>> Thanks.
>> It's just that now that they're in me,
it's like
It's like I know them, you know, and and
it's just not it's not going to be easy
when you know these little babies have
to go away.
>> I know, sweetie.
But it's not like you're not going to
have anything. I mean, you're going to
have nieces and nephews. In some ways,
that's even better.
>> Yeah. Okay.
>> No, really. Really, Feb. I mean, you're
not going to be the one worrying about
saving for college or yelling at them
when they're bad, you know, or deciding
to put them on rolin when they just
won't calm down,
you know? I mean, you're going to be the
one that they come to when they want to
run away from home and the one they talk
to about sex. You just get to be cool
Aunt Phoebe.
>> Cool Aunt Phoebe. [laughter]
>> I am pretty cool.
>> Oh,
>> yeah. And you know what else? Oh my god.
Are they going to love you?
>> They are going to love me.
>> Thanks you guys
>> again.
Sweetie,
>> thanks.
>> Oh, what? Oh god. Just kidding.
>> What? Oh my god. Oh, got you again.
You're so easy.
>> When you have a second later, I want to
show you why we don't just trap spiders
under coffee mugs and leave them there.
>> [laughter]
>> I'm training to be better at a job that
I hate. My life officially sucks.
>> But Ra, wasn't it supposed to be a
temporary thing? I thought you wanted to
do fashion stuff.
>> Well, yeah. I'm still pursuing that.
>> How exactly are you pursuing that? You
know, other than sending out resumes
like uh what, two years ago?
Oh, well, I'm also sending out
good thoughts.
[laughter]
>> If you ask me, as long as you got this
job, you got nothing pushing you to get
another one. You need the fear.
>> The fear?
>> He's right. If you quit this job, you
then have motivation to go after a job
you really want.
>> Well, then how come you're still at a
job that you hate? I mean, why don't you
quit and get the fear? [laughter]
because I'm too afraid.
>> I don't know. I mean, I would give
anything to work for a designer, you
know, or a buyer.
>> I just don't want to be 30 and still
work here.
>> Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28
and still working here.
>> Rachel.
>> Yeah.
>> Remind me to review with you which pot
is decaf and which is regular.
[laughter]
>> Can't I just look at the handles on
them? You would think.
>> Okay, [laughter] fine. Gunther, you know
what? I am a terrible waitress. Do you
know why I am a terrible waitress?
Because I don't care. I don't care. I
don't care which pot is regular and
which pot is decaf. I don't care where
the tray spot is. I just don't care.
This is not what I want to do.
So, I don't think I should do it
anymore.
>> I'm going to give you my week's notice.
>> What?
>> Gunther. I quit.
I had a dream last night where I was
playing football with my kid.
>> Oh, it's nice.
>> That's nice.
>> No, no, with him.
I'm on this field and they they hike me
the baby.
And I I know I've got to do something
cuz the Tampa Bay defense is coming
right at me.
>> Tampa Bay has got a terrible team,
>> right? But
[laughter]
it is just me and the baby. So I'm
thinking they can take us.
And so I uh I just hate it downfield.
>> What do you think? That's a baby.
>> He should take the sack. [laughter]
>> Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield and I
realize that I'm the one who's supposed
to catch him, right? only I know there
is no way I'm going to get there in
time, right? So, I am running and I'm
running and that that is when I woke up.
See, I I am so not ready to be a father.
>> Hey, you're going to be fine.
>> You're one of the most caring, most
responsible men in North America.
[laughter]
You're going to make a great dad.
>> Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need
better blocking.
>> Hey, how'd the interview go?
>> Not good. You know, I always feel that
way after an interview. I'll bet it went
better than you think.
>> Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and
I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
>> That is a bad interview. [laughter]
>> What are you What are you talking about?
How'd this happen?
>> Well, my boss was at the same restaurant
where I was having my interview and he
heard everything. So, later he calls me
into his office and he tells me that
he's going to have to let me go because
I'm not a team player. And I say, "Wait
a minute. No, yes I am." And then I had
to sit there for 45 minutes while he
proved that that in fact was true.
[laughter]
>> Oh god, I'm so sorry.
>> Hey, what
what's this?
It's a It's a bottle of champagne. Why
is this here,
>> Ross?
>> I guess it's here because I got tenure.
>> Congratulations.
>> Congratulations. This is the single
greatest day of my professional career.
Gunther, six classes.
>> Six? You want me to join?
>> Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is
good. [laughter]
I'm going to have a lugie in my coffee
tomorrow. [laughter]
>> Ooh, Israeli champagne.
And it's vanilla. [laughter]
>> I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery.
>> Hey, Rich. So, uh, how did your thing
go? Oh, it's good. Yeah, but I'm not
going to hear about that for a couple of
days.
>> Oh, you know what? You're going to get
it. I I I I can feel it.
>> Can you?
[music]
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