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I AM A CATHOLIC.
BUT I'M SO BUSY, I HARDLY MAKE
IT TO CHURCH ANY MORE.
IT'S WHAT WE CATHOLICS CALL,
"HOLY GHOSTING."
( LAUGHTER )
AND WHAT I MISS MOST ABOUT
MY CHURCH IS CONFESSION.
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE
TO CONFESS TO YOU, MY AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> Audience: OF COURSE NOT!
>> Stephen: GREAT.
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S
"MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I DON'T
KNOW IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY
SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT
THEM.
OKAY, RILE BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪
FORGIVE ME AUDIENCE.
AFTER EVERYTHING HE'S SEEN ME
DO, IF MY DOG COULD TALK, I
DON'T THINK WE'D BE ON SPEAKING
TERMS.
( LAUGHTER )
AUDIENCE, AUDIENCE, IF I LIKE A
PHOTO OF YOUR BABY ON FACEBOOK,
IT'S NOT BECAUSE IT'S CUTE.
IT'S BECAUSE I'M IMAGINING HOW
YOU MADE THAT BABY.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
GOOD JOB, BY THE WAY.
GOOD JOB.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD MACK A
BABY THAT WAY.
AUDIENCE, I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE
TALK IN MOVIES, BUT I STILL
THINK I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HUM
THE "JEOPARDY" THEME DURING THE
BORE PARTS.
SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,
I PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT SPORTS
MORE THAN I ACTUALLY DO.
GO, SPORTS.
( LAUGHTER )
GO, SPORTS.
PUT THE THING-- PUT THE THING,
OR THE BALL, OR WHATEVER, WHERE
YOU WANT IT TO BE AND DON'T LET
THE OTHER GUYS PREVENT YOU FROM
DOING IT.
( LAUGHTER )
I ALWAYS ADD GUACAMOLE, NO
MATTER WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT
I'M IN.
SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS?
TOSS SOME GAWK MOLLY ON THERE.
AUDIENCE, I DON'T HAVE DRAWERS
FOR MY CLOTHES.
I BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT THE DRYER
IS FOR.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE, THE MOST
EXERCISE I EVER GOT FROM MY
TREADMILL WAS DRAGGING IT OUT TO
THE GARBAGE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I TURN OFF
MY MY CAR'S G.P.S. A FEW BLOCKS
FROM HOME SO I CAN FEEL LIKE AN
EXPLORER.
( LAUGHTER )
I STILL HAVE NO IDEA IF ALUMINUM
FOIL IS RECYCLABLE.
BUT IF IT IS...
COULD SOMEONE PICK THIS UP?
( APPLAUSE )
( HUMMING "JEOPARDY" THEME )
WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS "GOOD
THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT,"
I WAIT A LITTLE, THEN I SLAP
THEM.
( APPLAUSE )
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> Stephen: THANKS.
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