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(energetic music)

- Yes! (scatting)

Hi, friend!

- How ya doin'?

- We're hugging, we're hugging.

- We haven't seen each other.

- In a freakin' month!

- Yeah, dude, a month.

What day is it?

- Dude, truly, I don't know.

- When did you go to Boca?

- Everything is a blur. (chuckles)

So, it's been a month.

But I feel like we did a good job of keeping in touch.

- Yeah, yeah - We Skyped.

- We text everyday.

- But, boy, is it good to see your dumb face.

- Awww, yeah. - We missed ya.

And let's just get it out of the way.

You didn't come to Big Bear,

so it's not like I got to hang out with you this weekend.

- Exactly, yeah.

- All of our listeners were commenting on my Instagram,

"Where the fuck is Kayte?"

- Kayte was taking a little mental health weekend,

and she needed to check back in with herself

and have a nice weekend in front of the TV with Pete.

- Yeah, not with her friends, which is totally fine.

- You guys went to fuckin' clubs.

I would've died.

I got sick, ya idiots.

- Well, that's not my fault.

Don't call us idiots 'cause you got sick

from bein' in Philly drinkin' and snowin' and stuff.

- Listen, I told you the fucking day.

We were all in Kelsey's apartment.

I was like, "Guys, 110% I am going to bail."

"You all know this."

And then you guys said, "No, Kayte, don't bail."

- Wow. - Which was basically saying,

"No, don't be who you are." - Wow.

Wow, wow! - I told you I was gonna bail.

- Okay, okay, when we booked this motherfuckin' trip,

we were all in my room and I said,

"I will not put this on my credit card

"unless both of you agree to go."

- I agreed to pay.

- Okay, listeners, you hear - I paid.

- what I'm saying, right? - I paid.

- Here's the thing.

You bailed the afternoon before we were supposed to go.

- Yeah, 'cause I wanted to go, but

I was literally very exhausted.

I was-- - Yeah, dude,

I don't blame you.

I literally called Freddy

and I was like, "Dude, I don't blame her."

"I get it."

- I was tired.

- "We're not gonna be able to convince her to come."

- Of course I raged in Philly.

I never see my friends in Philly.

Of course I'm gonna rage when I go home.

- I'm not blamin' ya!

I'm not blaming you.

- And I paid for that shit, and then Shauna got to go.

So you guys got a great weekend with Shauna.

- I was gonna say, it was serendipitous

because our friend Shauna,

who we're actually gonna have as our guest later...

- Yes.

- Is coming on.

- You should pay me.

- No. - Yeah.

- Why would I do that?

- 'Cause you had a great weekend because I didn't go.

- Wow, that's you putting words in my mouth.

- Did you have a good weekend?

- Dude, I truly don't wanna say too much

about how bad we were in the best way possible.

- Oh, yeah.

- I texted everyone in the group chat and was like,

"Hey, everyone text me a snack they want

"and like Gatorade or whatever."

And immediately Jasmine writes back, Doritos,

Fritos jalapeno cheddar cheese dip, with a picture,

and three bottles of Moscato.

(laughing)

We were gone for two days, two and a half days.

So, that was Jasmine's order.

Mine was a handle of Jamo and Cheetos.

Freddy wanted diet coke.

- Did you just called Jameson Jamo?

- That's what we fuckin' call it in the Dirty South, baby.

- Oh, boy.

- Let's just say, there was more alcohol

than anything else in this cabin.

- I'm so fuckin' glad I didn't go.

- Dude, you would've actually died.

- Yeah, I was drunk for two weeks straight.

- We literally saw a man almost die.

We were on the dance floor.

No, we were on the fucking dance floor and this guy,

this little, tiny guy, he looked like a gymnast.

Which we later found out, he was an Olympian gymnast.

(laughing) - Oh, the pressure,

the pressure got to him.

He drank it away. - Yeah, so we were all

fuckin' cuttin' it on the dance floor, killin' that shit.

And he does that thing where he backs

the crowd up, makes a big circle.

And we're like, "Oh, he's about to do some shit."

And then he goes in the middle.

And right as he goes to do a back flip,

some dumb drunk bitch walks right into his back flip

and he lands on his fucking neck!

And everyone was like, "Oh, shit!"

And we literally thought this guy died.

He wasn't moving on the ground, and then literally--

- Was he gonna go to the next Olympics?

- Truly, I have no idea if this

- Did she fuck it up? - is in the cards for him.

- Who goes to a club in Big Bear?

You guys are insane.

- That's all there is to do there is drink and twerk.

- Here's the thing.

I was on the fence, which is very funny.

I was on the fence and was like, "I should go."

"I'll bring my computer, I'll get a lot of work done."

- No, absolutely not.

We also ran into a bachelorette party.

Hey, girl.

(laughing)

Hope your fiance is okay with what we did.

- What'd you guys make out?

You guys fuck?

Eat each other out?

(laughing) - Are you just gonna keep

going down the list until I tell you?

- I'm out of options.

That exhausts the sexual know-how.

- Here's the thing, is what is dangerous about

having a little bit of internet notoriety is that people

like to Snapchat you when you do things in public.

- Oh, no.

- There was me, Freddy, Jazz.

When you see the three of us together...

And by the way, we were ridiculous looking.

We were wearing full length fur coats.

- It was weird.

You guys had a uniform.

(laughing)

- Yeah, we looked like we were

the next hottest fucking rap group.

(laughing)

But so it was hard not to notice us

'cause we were just being ridiculous.

- Uh-huh.

- And so everywhere we went, people were like,

"Oh, if I buy you a shot, will you be on my Snapchat story?"

And what am I gonna say, no?

- Yeah. - No, I can't.

I don't know how to do that.

We met a couple of nice, young gentlemen.

- You guys hoe?

- I don't wanna say too much.

I'm glad you're feeling better, though.

- Yeah, I slept all Saturday,

and then yesterday I watched every Twilight movie.

- What, I love those stupid fuckin' movies!

- I know, I went right from one to the end.

I had strict plans to write and stuff,

but I didn't because...

You could cut this part out too.

I feel like you're gonna be like, "Why are you doing this?"

But I can't wait to talk about love, like actually

talk about love. - Wait, I won't cut that out.

That's a great thing to say.

- But I thought we were gonna talk about it next week.

- Yeah, oh, speaking of next week.

- Oh, yeah, you have to go somewhere.

(clearing throat) To review, for next week,

Kelsey will be in Barcelona with her fuckbuddy.

So we're gonna have to do another Skype one.

Remember last week when Kelsey said,

"After this trip, we're done."

So instead of ending it after the trip, she extended it

from a ski weekend to then a four day trip to Barcelona.

- Dude, here's the thing, Kayte.

You would do the exact goddamn...

God dang? - Goddamn.

- Goddamn same thing

because we're supposed to do dumb shit like this.

I'm supposed to willy-nilly book a trip

to fuckin' Spain because

why the fuck not? (burps)

- Yeah, for sure.

I would do it, duh.

- I have vacation days.

- You would judge me

- I work my balls off. - just as much.

- Judge you for what?

What are you judging me for? - Okay I'm not judging,

I would be like, "Ah, you said."

You would say to me, "Oh, Kayte, you said."

"I told you you'd do it."

- I don't understand what

the problem is here, as long as I'm fine.

- Yeah, yeah, as long as you're fine.

- Do I not seem fine?

(chuckles) - I haven't talked to you IRL.

We're gonna have to hang out and then I'll...

- That's what this podcast is for.

(clearing throat) - Are you fine?

- Yeah!

- Okay.

You seem wildly defensive.

(laughing)

- 'Cause I feel like I have to be like,

"This is why I'm doing it."

Rather than just being like,

"Why not take a stupid, fun, ridiculous four day trip

"with someone that is also a fun, ridiculous person?"

- Yeah, for sure.

I'm 100% on board.

The only thing I wanna say...

(chuckling) - Oh, boy.

- Is that if...

Alright, I don't wanna project anything, dude.

I'm just saying that if it were me,

I would have a hard time.

- Separating the feelings

- Yeah. - from something

like a trip like that?

I don't. - Yeah, okay.

- I'm really excited to just go bop around

and eat pasta and fuck for four days.

- Then do it, hell yeah, dude, do it.

- Yo, but it's not like I'm not...

Whatever, let's go to fuckin' your problems, okay?

(laughing)

We had a company send us...

They heard about your...

What do we call it?

You don't come.

- Right, yeah. - They heard that you

don't come. - A psychological issue.

- Yeah, and they were so nice.

They sent a fucking suitcase full of...

- Oh, that's yours. - You got different toys.

This is from LoversPackage.com.

This is not an ad. - No.

- They were just, "Out of the kindness of our heart,

"wow, we wanna help Kayte come."

(laughing)

And so they sent us each, let's see,

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10,

11 different sex toys and sex objects.

You got a couple different things,

but just some fun stuff on here that they did send us.

Things like cinnamon bun flavored lube.

(chuckling) They didn't even know that

cinnamon buns are like my top five favorite fuckin' foods.

Go on my Twitter, you'll see me at Cinnabon all the time.

- Hey, Cinnabon, send us Cinnabons.

- System JO clitoral stimulant, an evolved pearly rabbit.

- That is also nice. - Jimmyjane form two.

Which Jimmyjane products are so amazing.

If you guys are ever looking for sex toys,

Jimmyjane is great.

And the one I was most excited to try, the Womanizer 2!

- Oh, I have it here.

- Oh my God, the Womanizer is,

we did a video about it at Buzzfeed.

- I have an actual Womanizer, sorry to interrupt you.

- No, it's fine.

- I have an actual Womanizer,

but here's a little Womanizer to go.

It's lipstick.

- It looks like lipstick.

It's a giant, it's like the size of your hand.

- Right. - It looks like lipstick.

And you turn it on and just the tip

of where the lipstick is just fuckin' (slurps).

- Yeah, that's what mine at home does,

so I'm probably gonna give this one to Ella.

- But doesn't it claim, like its thing that it's known for

is it can make you come in under three minutes?

- Yeah. - So...

- No, I didn't use it. (laughing)

I didn't use it yet, but...

- Wait, you haven't used anything?

- No, I have.

The pearly rabbit and that clit stimulator,

those are at home.

- Oh, they're at home? - Oh, yeah,

those have been used, I didn't bring 'em back in.

- Okay, what did we think?

- I mean, they were great.

Yeah, it felt really good.

- But did you fuckin' come, Kayte?

- No, no. (sighing)

Guys, here's the thing.

I really appreciate this and I think that this

is a good step in the right direction

of like talking about sexuality

and exploring different things that you might like.

I do think that, personally, my not coming could

have to do with me being nervous about talking about sex.

But I think most of it is psychological and

not so much... - Oh, 100%.

- Yeah, and not so much like,

"But you're not using the right tools."

It's like the same thing as a guy saying,

"But you'll come if I do it."

It's like, "No, maybe not."

- But do you think that you have an idea

in your head about how it's supposed to happen?

- Yeah. - What is that?

- Well, I would like...

(laughing)

I do a lot of things.

Ugh, dang it, okay. - What?

- I'm just gonna sound sad.

- No, you don't! - I'm gonna sound sad.

- Do you know how many people write to us?

Literally, you guys, how many

- You don't have to give - people write to us?

- me a pep talk, I'm going.

into it. - Talking about

how glad they are that you're talking

about this because it's also something they go through.

- Okay, I've never felt comfortable really

saying this out loud 'cause I always felt stupid saying it,

but most of the things that I do in my life, I do alone.

Like, most things. - Yeah.

It always has been.

Whether I'm processing something

or I'm bettering myself in some way,

even anything at all intimate whatsoever, I try to do alone.

Or I overcompensate in a relationship with someone,

like a friendship or something,

and I sort of make it all about them.

You know what I mean?

And project a little bit to try

to help my own problems,

- Yeah. - but yeah,

but really, sort of what I think

I really would like is I've never been in love.

I've never mmm... - You're missing that.

- I've never had that type of intimacy of someone

being in my space and seeing all of the ugly things

in my apartment and all of the clothes

I don't wash immediately that's on my floor and stuff.

- Yeah.

- It blows my mind.

I can't even wait 'til next week to say it.

It blows my mind

that people find each other.

- Uh-huh.

- And are genuinely happy to see each other.

- Yeah. - And then they're together

and they're happy.

- Yeah. - Like in that they both

like each other equally.

- Well, isn't it called...

I think maybe what you might be, and listeners,

correct me if I'm wrong, is demisexual.

Which is, you need an emotional connection

to orgasm or have sex.

And it sounds like maybe because you've never been in love.

- Yeah. - And oh my God,

let me tell you what,

coming with someone versus coming on your own

are like two totally different experiences.

- Yeah.

- And it is really scary and intimate as fuck.

Dude, love is the worst and best thing in the fucking world.

Do you think if you met someone,

would you be comfortable being like,

"Hey, these are the things I need and don't need

"and want and don't want in order to come?"

- I don't know what those things are.

It's raining. - Oh, uh-oh.

Sorry if the sound is bad 'cause it just started raining.

- I don't know what the things are that would make me...

Oh, oh, that's what I was gonna say.

I don't know what the things are that would make me come.

I don't know what they are.

I think it is, like,

intimacy. - Intimacy.

- And I just can't imagine someone seeing all of the ugly

parts of you and still being like, "Yeah, no, I like it."

'Cause I do that with other people.

I'll be like, "I like that part of you, I like that."

But I've just never felt it back.

- Yeah.

- I think there's a part of me that doesn't want

to come on my own, just by myself right now,

because I'm already seriously

so fucking good at being alone.

Like I'm so good at it.

- Are you, though? - Yes, dude.

In terms of just survival, yes.

- Yeah.

- I moved myself into and out of

every apartment I've ever been.

I don't ask for help with stuff.

I do most things just fully on my own.

If I do this on my own, what do I need anyone else for?

(laughing)

- I was gonna say though, like I'm very independent too.

- Yeah. - Like, different situations,

obviously, but I've lived alone for majority of my life.

I like to be alone.

I like doing things by myself.

But sex and orgasms, that's a huge part of...

Maybe it's American life.

I don't wanna say life-life 'cause I don't think it is.

But I don't know if maybe it just

doesn't matter as much to you.

- I just think that it was something

that I haven't experienced yet.

And I think that it's weird too

because I get a lot of people.

I see your comments.

I see all the messages about people being like,

"Oh, I'm this age," or whatever.

And we put sort of like a date on when you're supposed to.

- And there isn't. - There's not.

Everyone's doin' stuff on their own timeline.

I think that that gets weird too is

because you're like, oh, I'm a certain age,

so if I don't do this thing, I'm broken.

- Yeah. - Or, I'm fucking weird.

And I do feel like that a lot of times.

- You shouldn't.

- Of course I shouldn't.

- Oh. (laughing)

As long as you know you shouldn't.

- But I think that it's also I hadn't ever really said,

"Oh, I want a relationship."

- Yeah. - Who is banging shit?

- I didn't even notice, I was so interested

in what you were saying.

- But I never really said like, "Oh, I want a relationship."

"I want that intimacy."

Because in my head, I was always like,

"Oh, this invisible audience that I sort of

"have in my head is gonna be like,

"'No, you're too ugly and fat and

you're too stupid.'" - Kayte!

- Yeah, it's constant.

Like constantly.

Not even just that type of intimacy.

Even just intimacy in doing what I wanna do,

like writing the stuff I wanna write, doing stand-up.

All of these things that I want to do, I have this

assumed perspective of my own worst thoughts, right?

The worst possible thing people could say, and then

I'm like, "Oh, that's what they're definitely saying."

I talk myself out of everything.

So, I'm just recently, and after a really long time

of going therapy and a really long time

of trying to figure this stuff out,

I'm trying to say more like, "This is what I want."

- Yeah. - Even though I'm not

perfect yet.

- Yeah. - Or I won't be (laughs).

- I hate that you feel that way

'cause I know there's never a way to make

your friend know how great they are

and how much they do deserve and all that shit.

So I'm not gonna bore you with that

because I tell you this all the fucking time.

- Right, yeah. - But I do worry.

I don't, I see a little bit of the thing I hate

about myself in what you're saying.

- Yeah. - In that sometimes

I worry that I need another person to

be or do something.

- Yeah, it's a really fine line,

right? - Yeah.

- I talk about this a lot in therapy.

I don't want someone's external validation

to make me feel better about myself.

And I do think that it walks that line.

'Cause sometimes I'll get like a crush on someone.

I do stuff like that all the time.

- Yeah. - Oh, I like them.

- Yeah. - It's meant to be, and

then I obsess, and I'm still figuring all of that out,

but I think it's a way of craving intimacy

without actually letting yourself have what you need.

So it's still keeping it at an arm's length.

Like of course you're not going to fall

for someone who you haven't actually met.

- Yeah.

- They're an embodiment of what you want them to be.

- Dude, it's so scary falling in love.

It's so scary.

- Yeah. - 'Cause you're like...

Oh my God, if you think it's bad now that you don't

know if someone likes you or not, truly, even when...

I've been in situations where both of the person,

like we've both said "I love you" the same time,

whether they said it or I said it first

when we both said it, and then after we would be like,

"I didn't know if you were gonna say it back!"

- Yeah. - And it's like,

but you have all these feelings

and you're crazy.

You feel like, well, if I say it and they don't

say it back, or what if I say it and I don't mean it?

Or like, "What if I say it when I'm drunk?"

I've had it happen where we've said it after sex before.

And then I look back on our relationship

and I'm like, "That was not love."

And it's so scary.

- Yeah. - And I think I

purposefully shut myself out from having it

ever since that one really bad relationship I had.

I haven't been back in love.

Not bad relationship, the one that ended not great for me.

I was super sad.

And I haven't let myself be vulnerable,

and I think I've kind of become hardened to it

because I am so afraid again of getting hurt.

What? (laughing)

What kind of fucking revelation is that?

Or like it's a lot easier for me now

to like hurt other people rather than get hurt

'cause it's so scary.

- Yeah. - And I'm terrified for you.

- Yeah, aww. - I'm so scared.

- We do kind of the same thing

in two opposite ends of the spectrum.

So you hurt other people before they could hurt you.

I hurt myself and reject myself

before someone else could reject me.

- Fuck.

- Yeah. - We're shitty.

- No, we're just human.

- Oh, God bless us. - We're just human and we're

silly and dumb.

- We are silly and dumb. - We are silly and dumb.

- We're fun too, though.

- I don't know.

I think it's really important for me, personally.

Everyone's on their own path or whatever.

But I do want some sort of relationship,

and I want it to be real.

A lot of this stuff is so in my head.

I'll have a crush on someone and be like...

(gasps)

- You plan your whole life together.

- That's all I do with my free time.

And then before I know it,

I'm daydreaming the whole day away.

Then I'm like, "Jesus Christ,

"I didn't do anything with this weekend."

And then if I ever talk to them, they'll be like,

"What'd you do this weekend?"

I'd be like, "I thought of our kiss."

(laughing)

"I thought of our kids

"and I walked us through our first fight."

- What do think is gonna like be...

You're on apps.

You don't really go on dates. - I deleted all my apps.

- What do you want?

What do you want to do to make this a reality?

- That's where I'm having a bit of a hard time.

I don't know.

I don't know if I could try the apps again.

I think that's another thing is I was very much closed off

to the idea of dating, even though I wanted to.

I thought I wanted to date someone.

So I was like, "Ah, Tinder sucks."

Or, "Bumble sucks," or whatever.

- It does suck.

- It's really hard, I think, because I think

it's just really difficult to just see a picture

of someone and then their own bio and be like...

- Yeah.

- I can't write a bio for the life of me.

- What did your bio say?

- It was just a hand waving for a while.

- Oh, Jesus, Kayte, you're a writer.

(laughing) - I know, I know.

But being self-aware sometimes crosses into self-conscious.

- Yeah. - Extremely, what is it,

self-conscious. - Yeah.

- You're just extremely self-conscious,

so I didn't know what to write.

- Yeah. - I was just like,

"I don't know, I guess I'm a writer, oh,

"but I'm not a good one."

You know what I mean, like... - Wow.

- Boy, it's a real war in my head.

- I wish we could do an episode about this

'cause I have gotten a few messages where people

have written in asking how they can help their friend.

Be like, "My friend's so great

"and they're dealing with this."

Or like, "How do you deal with a friend

"who doesn't believe in themselves or something?"

But I don't know what to do 'cause I live this everyday with

you fuckin' piece of shit. - Yeah.

- I don't know. - That helps, that'll help.

Yeah, that's good.

- Well, it just pisses me off 'cause I want so much for you

and I want you to have all of these things

you want. - I want to have all

those things, too, it just doesn't happen overnight.

This has been 28 years of habitual thoughts.

- I feel like you've grown so much.

- I hope so.

- Yeah, it's all

about the growth. - I mean, I have never really

said I want a relationship.

I always just say like,

"Oh, I just want someone to fuck me."

And I don't.

- No, we know that that's not true.

- I know.

- We know you want someone to fuckin' diddle your doodle

and lay around and play with you and Pete.

(laughing)

And fuckin' go out and get brunch

and shit. - And I want someone

who's a little bit more active than me,

but also likes to lay down.

- Lay down. - So that they could be like,

"Come on, let's go do something today."

And I'll be like, "Ugh, fine."

- Dude, the best kind of days are the ones

where you wake up and you're like,

"We could go out and do all this shit,

"or..." - Or...

So that's where I'm at.

Oh. (laughing)

- What? - Twilight brought this up.

(laughing)

But I thought about that. - But it's because it's that

bullshit obsessive movie nonsense.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Where it makes you think you're missing out

because you don't have a guy

that wants to literally kill people for you.

- I think that we're just sort of skewed.

I think that if I just show up, that's enough.

(laughing) - Yeah.

It is! - No, it's not.

- It is. - No, it is not.

You have to show some sort of--

- Kayte, you will find someone

that you are doing enough by being.

- I'm not, okay? (laughing)

Here's the thing.

Yes, yes, yes.

I don't think you understand what I mean by showing up.

- Sure.

- Not showing up to life and being who I am.

I mean like walking into

a place. - A bar.

- Or a bar, and then seeing someone.

You have to give 'em somethin'.

- Yeah. - Remember the kid I talked

about on one of the podcasts?

That guy, that human man.

(laughing)

- Nice recovery.

- That I talked about on the podcast,

a few podcasts. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And then I had to say that I liked him or whatever.

- Oh, right, right, right.

- I used to daydream about him.

I haven't really thought about him unless I see him.

- Yeah. - And it doesn't

feel bad anymore. - Yeah.

- I'm just like, "Oh, he didn't like me back."

- You can move on from it.

- That is it.

It sucked for like two days, I was kinda mad.

And then I was mad 'cause I wanted him to like me,

but now I'm just like...

- Weirdly, I do the same thing

where it takes me like two days of me

obsessively looking at their Instagram or something

and then being like, "You know what?

"Here's a shitty thing about them that I didn't

"notice before that I probably wouldn't have liked."

- Yeah.

- God, and that goes for just like relationships too, right?

How we idealize the best parts about relationships.

- Yeah.

- I'll look back on that one big love that broke my heart.

And all the time, whenever I bring it up,

if I'm with family or friends, and something'll happen

and it'll spark a conversation about him,

they will always go, "Kelsey, you were so unhappy."

And in my head, I wanna be like, "No, I wasn't."

"I was so in love,

"and that was the best relationship of my adult life."

And, truly, it was not.

- Yeah. - I didn't fuckin' want that.

I did not want that person.

I did not want the shitty things about them.

The shitty things far outweighed

the good in the relationship, yet I stayed.

- Yeah.

- Convincing myself that it was love

and true love and big love.

- Yeah. - And it wasn't.

I still don't think I've had my big movie love.

- Yeah. - And I've said it.

I've said "I love you" to a guy.

Well, we said it together after two weeks of dating.

Two fuckin' weeks.

- I mean, maybe. - That wasn't love.

That was just pure lust.

- Yeah.

- But in those times where you get caught up in it

and you're like feelin' it and all your fuckin' hormones

and endorphins and shit are pumpin',

I think you learn what true love is

the more you, I guess, just experience it.

Because I really do think I've only been in love twice.

I think my first high school boyfriend, the big one,

that you learn about just how you can even feel

about another person that's a complete stranger.

And then the big one.

And even the big one that I talk about,

I don't know if that was fully, actually love.

- See, I never felt that about anybody.

I've loved people, but only on my own, I've never felt

it reciprocated. - Yeah.

- I am in God dang awe of the fact that it exists.

I feel like I'm in the Truman Show

and everyone's just telling me this bullshit.

And that's just it.

It's like love doesn't actually exist and I'm just gonna

realize one day that I've been in

the world of hamsters. - I don't know if I envy you.

I kind of envy you, though.

- Why? - 'Cause, dude...

- Don't give me that shit about, "Oh, it hurts."

- It does, man! - Yeah, okay.

But oh, man, that's...

- It's that thing, is it better

to have loved and lost than never loved at all?

And nine times out of 10,

I would say I would rather not have loved at all.

(laughing) - See, I want it.

I've literally only liked people...

What's that word called?

Unrequited.

- Oh. - My middle name, baby.

Kayte Elizabeth Unrequited Anne Peterman.

- Dude, it's gonna happen.

And when it does, it's gonna be so scary and

so wonderful. - I'm so fucking sick of

people saying that. - It's true, though.

- Thank you.

- What do you want me to say, that it's

never gonna happen? - You don't know,

you don't know!

- You think you're gonna go your whole fuckin' life

without ever falling in love? - People do it.

What if I died today?

- That's really sad, but also could totally happen.

- Yeah.

- Well, then Kayte, you better start tellin'

the people that you wanna fuck that you wanna fuck

or be in a relationship with them.

- I love this, I said love and you're like,

"You better tell 'em you wanna fuck 'em."

(laughing)

- Because, you know what, if you really wanted it

bad enough, and maybe this is a little bit of tough love,

but you'd fuckin' do something about it.

- Yeah, but that's another thing.

Then once I find someone who...

I know, I know, everyone's gonna be like,

"Kayte, you're setting yourself up for failure."

- No, I don't think anyone's - Join the club.

- saying that.

- As soon as someone likes me back,

when I say I cut and run...

(laughing)

When I say I truly run...

Where was I?

- Then how the fuck are you supposed to

ever fall in love if you physically leave?

- If you figure that out,

let me know so I can take it back to therapy.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know!

It's just being terrified of intimacy

but also craving intimacy, it's like, uh...

- That's life, though.

- It's like needing peanuts but being allergic.

I mean, no I don't wanna die. (laughing)

I'm not allergic to peanuts, I can't speak on that.

That's a terrible allergy to have.

- Oh, wait.

Speaking of speaking on experiences that we can't speak to,

should I just read this comment that we got?

I thought this was a good comment because it talks

about speaking to experiences that we can't speak to.

So, at Bella.Hornby, or Norby.

I don't know, my handwriting's shitty.

Said, "Love the podcast."

"I just wanted to say that you often associate vaginas

"exclusively with women and women exclusively with gina."

Ginas? (laughing)

Vaginas.

"Not all women have vaginas

"and not all people with vaginas are women."

"I know you wouldn't be trans-exclusionary."

Whoa, "I know you wouldn't be trans-exclusionary."

Why can't I say that word? - It's okay, we get it.

- "I know you wouldn't be trans-exclusionary on purpose."

"I just think it's important to be conscious of and for

"your trans and just as easily influenced listeners."

Abso-fucking-lutely, 100%. - Yup, our bad.

It happens just because I identify as a woman

and have a vagina, and we're gonna be better about that.

- Just another example of us bein' privileged

and not realizing that we have

to be more inclusive in the way we speak.

- And fuck it up so that you guys don't have to.

- Thank you very much for bringing that to our attention.

- Yeah.

- And we will not do that again hopefully.

- We never pitched this to our bosses like,

"We wanna do a women podcast."

"We want it to be like a feminist fuckin'..."

(coughing) (laughing)

Literally the word feminism and Kayte starts choking.

- No, no, no, I'm a feminist!

- I know. - It's weird to identify as.

Duh.

- Yeah, we never said.

It's just we obviously were.

We identify as women and we speak to our experiences

and that's what this fuckin' podcast has turned into.

And so we're gonna try and do better.

Hey, if there are people out there that

we're not speaking to experience, tell us what we can do.

- Let us know.

- If you want to hear specific guests

or if we can talk about specific subjects,

and we will only be able to do the best

that we can with what we have lived.

- We do try, but we don't know everything.

So, if we fuck up and offend you,

please let us know and we won't do it again.

- A-motherfucking-men.

Speaking of dope ass guests,

I want to bring in our next...

Our next guest?

I want to bring in our guest!

- Coming up, our next guest!

- She was a part of the Big Bear

slash Bad Bear slash Bad Bitch experience.

She also has her debut book coming out March 12th.

- March 12th!

- And I just wanna read a couple of these

quotes about you and just build you up 'cause I love what

people are talking about. - I'm putting my hand behind

you guys, I hope that's okay. (laughing)

- It's Shauna Barbosa, by the way!

- Shauna Barbosa!

- In her strong debut, Barbosa delves into how the nuances

of identity are formed through intersecting struggles.

She characterizes identity as mutual, flexible,

and a means to keep the memories that shape a person.

Her book is called Cape Verdean Blues.

Writing of her Cape Verdean upbringing in Boston,

Barbosa investigates what it means to be

a woman of color and a cultural other.

In Barbosa's poems, the act of remembering can spur

self reflection as well as a political epiphany.

That was from Publisher's Weekly.

- Ooh!

- And then you've also been published in Lenny Letter.

And then my favorite.

These words feel like experiences.

Some are personal, most are enlightening, but all connect.

Connect on a higher level, a spiritual level.

By motherfucking

Kendrick Lamar! (laughing)

- Hell yeah. - Who's that?

- Shauna!

(laughing)

Bitch, welcome to the podcast.

- Hi, thanks for having me.

- Thanks for coming.

I'm obsessed with you.

I'm obsessed with your work.

But how the fuck does one get Kendrick Lamar,

a grammy-winning artist,

to speak so highly about your dope shit?

Without just the obvious answer, being dope.

- You just write a really dark book.

(laughing)

People like dark shit.

- So, your book is poems.

- Yeah, it's a collection of poetry.

But no, I interviewed him maybe like 2011 or '12,

and then maybe a couple years after that.

- Mm-hmm.

- And then we just kind of like stayed in touch.

- And like we just have this relationship about art.

- Mm-hmm, and it's called Cape Verdean Blues.

Which Cape Verdean is an island off the coast of Africa

that your family's from? - Yeah, (mumbles), yeah.

- Cape Verdean, why do I keep saying Veri-dee-an.

- Well, Cape Verdean is kind of how you would identify.

Like Cape Verdean. - Oh, okay, okay.

And so your family's from there, you're from Boston?

- I'm from Boston, yeah, - I found that out

- my family dad is from there. - this weekend, I found out

a lot about you this weekend.

(laughing) - Yeah, yeah.

- I obviously wanna get to your work

because I want people to hear how dope it is.

- I have my book.

- Yes, it's pretty! - Yay!

- It's gorgeous, by the way.

- The photographer, his name is Warren Keelan.

And I actually found him on Instagram.

- Oh, dope.

- I write a lot about surveillance in a way.

These lines were designed

because I have a bunch of astrology poems.

- Oh.

Where can people buy it?

'Cause right now, it's pre-order.

And we were talking about how crazy it is

that you're putting out a book

and what that experience is fucking...

No one can fucking say that they've done

what you've done, or a select few can.

And we were talking about how

important it is to have pre-orders.

Like that's when it matters

because of getting on a bestseller list.

- Yeah, all of that.

So, pre-order.

- Where can people get it?

- No, it's on Amazon.

So you can pre-order it on Amazon,

and I think it's like Barnes and Noble.

- Yeah. - There are a bunch of links.

- I'm really interested.

Did you know that you wanted to write a book of poems?

How did this actually come about?

'Cause it's pretty cool, the actual,

"Oh, I wrote it and then I picked this cover."

That's all cool, but how did you make it?

'Cause it seems like such a dense field.

- You guys didn't write poems when you were little?

- No. - I wrote about 3,000 haikus,

considered myself Emily Dickinson,

and then threw in the towel. (laughing)

- That's perfect. - I was like,

"I nailed it and that's it."

- I got into reading poetry actually from Instagram.

Like Niy-rah We-ya.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - She had, stuff like her

turned me onto the bigger books.

- Right. - And then I just started

getting into it from Instagram, though,

because I never thought I would be someone,

when you think of someone who's like into poetry,

you think about a fuckin' beatnik smokin' a joint.

- Judy from Doug, the older sister.

(laughing) - Yeah!

- Yeah, poetry is, like you were saying,

so dense and specific.

- Yeah, I've always written poetry.

I don't think it's something that I was always aware of.

When I went back in my dad's attic

and I'm looking at all of this shit,

it's like all of these poems from when like six years old.

I was always writing stories.

- Yeah. - And they were always dark.

They were about monsters and people getting killed and shit.

- Yeah, I made up a song once about windows.

- What? (laughing)

- They're important. (mumbling)

- So, you and I are on the exact

same page. - Yeah, exactly.

(laughing) See?

It's a little, it's dark.

- Why do you think you were so fucked up as a kid?

I mean, we all were, but like what do you think,

were you able to translate

your darker shit into an art form?

- I just feel like it's in me.

Like there's just this dark, no, I mean...

(laughing) - I mean there, it, like 100%

and everyone has a fuckin' dark side.

- Yeah.

I mean, but my poetry's not like super...

I mean, I was writing about monsters.

- I feel like any sort of art form is

kind of like harnessing and controlling

and sort of dealing with your demons.

- How did you start to translate that

and carry it into adult life, right?

'Cause I feel like we give up a lot of hobbies as kids,

but this is something that obviously stuck.

- Yeah, it stuck, so, I had this...

- What? - Damn, I don't know.

I don't even know.

Let's see, I moved to New York from Boston

and I started working at a magazine.

And then from this magazine,

I started this website called Let's Just Eat Cheese.

- What? (laughing)

That's speaks to me on a fuckin' spiritual level.

- You should've heard Kelsey's stomach just now.

(laughing) (chattering)

- Literally my stomach just went, "Grr, cheese?"

- So, it's called Let's Just Eat Cheese.

Well, it was called, I don't have it anymore,

but I love everyone who ever read that shit.

But I used to write like a lot of vignettes

and just flash fiction and stories, mainly about sex.

But I wrote about a lot of shit,

and that's when I started interviewing people.

And, you know, the Kendrick interviews were there.

- Mm-hmm. - I was just always writing.

And then when I moved back to Boston,

I took a poetry workshop at Harvard.

- Mm-hmm. - And I was like, oh.

(laughing) - A Harvard girl over here.

- And I didn't think that people would fuck with my work

because I was coming from the music industry.

So I feel like if it wasn't related

to like hip hop or some shit...

'Cause Let's Just Eat Cheese was still

like all about culture and shit like that.

So honestly, I was like, I didn't think white people

would fuck with my shit if they weren't into like music.

- White people love emotional shit and they also love taking

things from people of color and like

- No, it's-- - self-identifying with it.

- Yeah, fuckin' read - Awww.

- some shit, please, because we read out

a poem a couple weeks ago and so many people were like,

Where can I get that?

Who is that person?

And I want people to hear your shit.

So, can you,

- 'Cause if they don't do - do us,

- that, then it's gonna be... - a great honor.

- I will read Welcome Back.

Welcome back after Etheridge Knight.

Welcome back, Miss B, love of my life.

How's your identity problem, your culture problem?

You are pickling your lesson.

Gotta watch out for the old lesson, love of my life.

How's your acid problem?

Your weed, Adderall, Lexapro, and lithium too.

Your lustful problem.

How's your weight problem, your eating problem?

How's your lying and cheating

and staying out all night long problem?

Welcome back, Miss B, love of my life.

How's your money, saved up,

don't know what to do with it problem?

You quit your job problem?

How's your small breast problem?

Your might buy some titties problem?

How's your plan B?

Welcome back, Miss B, love of my life.

How's your used to write that boy in jail

until he got shot and killed problem?

How's your stalker problem?

Your fucking too many in the crew,

you don't feel magic, ain't never loved no one problem?

How's your book problem?

Ain't been published,

haven't read your lover's book problem?

How's your might go to Dominican Republic

to fix your waist which you sit on,

put your breasts in, her in his mouth problem?

The porn problem?

Never let go, don't love,

don't leave, please need me problem?

Your want to fuck everywhere

but a bed problem, in the dark problem?

And your crushing pills,

crushing dignity out of pity problem?

How's your drinking, your thinking?

You still paranoid?

You still bipolar, still scared shitless?

You still wanna die?

Welcome back, Miss B, love of my life.

How's your language problem?

Understand and won't speak to save

your grandmother's heart problem?

How's your everything is about pussy and race problem?

You're enough problem?

You gotta watch out for the old lesson.

How's your social network,

your why did he just post a photo

of his girlfriend knowing I would see it problem?

Your unfollowing triggers?

How's your checking the last time who he's following,

why hasn't he responded to your hateful,

don't mean it text messages problem?

Your want to be a rapper problem?

Your back on the bed, against the wall,

on the pavement, just let it come problem?

Welcome back, Miss B, love of my life.

You gotta watch out for the old lesson.

- [Both] Whoo!

(laughing) (applauding)

- Good lord. - I have chills.

I have tears.

My mouth is dry.

- Can you never stop reading?

- Oh my God, stop.

- Oh my God. - Seriously.

- That was great.

I'm gonna pre-order mine today.

(laughing) I know it sounds like a

infomercial, but I really am.

- Pre-order yours today!

- Well there you have it, folks.

You tired of silly old prose?

- Walt Whitman? (laughing)

- Dude, it feels so today.

How do you feel every time you have to read that?

I couldn't read that without being like fucking...

I'm like mad and sad and like

so many things. - Yeah, it kinda makes

me wanna throw up.

- Yeah. - It makes me feel so

- In a good way. - many things.

(laughing) - I gotta watch out,

with you. (laughing)

- The listeners are not going to know that this is a joke.

- It's a joke, it's a joke.

- They're gonna be like, how - Get her out.

- do you, how do you, like, how?

- Do I read it all the time?

- How does that make you feel reading that?

- I think I'm a little removed.

Well, I don't know, honestly. - Do you have to be

a little bit removed to be able

to perform it? - I am, yeah, I am

because I really do feel like I am performing it.

And another great thing about this poem is

it's called Welcome Back

and it's after Etheridge Knight, who is a poet.

He passed away some years ago,

but he has a poem called Welcome Back.

- Mm-hmm. - So I feel like I feel

removed from this poem especially

because this is like for him.

This is like in his honor. - Yeah, yeah.

- You know what I mean, I remember

reading that poem

and it was the first poem I ever took this book,

and I read the poem in the mirror

and I just like, I just felt it so fucking much.

So that when I went to write Welcome Back, I don't know.

I'm just removed from it

and I really do feel like I'm performing it.

And I never thought about this until right now.

Like I don't feel like this is about me.

- Wow. - Like I don't feel like

I'm writing about me like...

- Yeah.

- Because it's not, it's a truth and it's my truth,

but it comes from everywhere.

So I just always feel like

I'm performing the shit that I write, so I don't get...

- Yeah. - I never really feel like,

"Oh my God, this fucking..."

Right, I'm okay. - What a beautiful gift

to make people feel things.

Like that's something you're giving, back.

- Yeah. - It's like the most selfless

thing when you're just being

fully writing to your experience.

- Right. - And what a beautiful...

(sighing) oh jeez read me more, please.

(laughing) - Okay, let's see.

Depending on how these...

What's your sign?

- I'm a Leo.

- A Leo, what's your sign?

- Aries.

- Okay, I'm gonna see.

- Oh, shit. - What's your sign?

- I love this shit! - I'm a Gemini.

(gasping) - Oh, it makes so much sense.

- Okay, this is astrology, Aries.

(laughing)

- Oh, no.

- This is a weird one.

- I think we got off on the wrong foot here, Shauna.

(laughing)

- This is a weird one.

I actually have never read this.

I have never read this one. - Ooh, an exclusive here,

only on Adult Shit.

(laughing)

- What the hell are you plugging

our show for on our own show?

(mumbling) - I want people to get hype.

Alright, alright, alright, - Heard only on Adult Shit.

- alright, alright. - Okay.

- Aries.

Forcing forget on a Saturday in September

is how you arrive at the sea.

To address the time of day would mean

to reveal how time spins itself around.

Sand dollars have no heart.

Ask the doctor to get it in writing

and fax to the nearest machine.

Sand dollars have no heart.

Are people skeletons of the lives they create?

Is your location determined by physical capability,

or you are where you are from the wash up?

Aries, here's what you need to know.

Organisms of the sea cannot be

repulsed by chipped toenail polish.

Put your feet in.

Walk in shallow oceans with suede sandals.

Make skeleton picking your brave new hobby,

like gathering what's left of

the things falling while you bathe.

In bed with yourself, terror shall leave no part unkissed.

- I swear to God, I caught myself.

(laughing) (mumbling)

I swear to you guys! - That was so beautiful!

- Can I take a picture of that?

I'm gonna order the book.

- Yeah (laughing). (mumbling)

- Jesus.

- Can we get one more, please?

- Yeah, what's your sign?

- Leo. - Leo.

Fireworks start in June.

You will take them for gunshots if you

haven't heard a pistol go off close to your head.

If you haven't heard a group of boys ride by your house

and there, three bullets.

First, last, insecurity.

Leo, shower before your roommates.

Hot water rare as someone when you need them most.

A grateful heart shall not despair.

On the 14th day of this month,

the door will weep behind you.

You are more than the walls men rap about.

Greater than the walls that manage

not to collapse in high school,

walls that got higher in college.

Walls easy enough keep men

in a job line, welfare line, funeral line.

Touching the weep, the ceiling will play the trombone.

The floor beneath you will dance.

- Whoo! - Oh my God!

- Well (laughing).

- It's like some fucking rollercoaster!

- Now she over here acting like

a black auntie in a baptist church.

- Dude, that's the thing

I love, though. - My face is so red.

I can't believe it. - Is that you think it's

going one way and then it fuckin' takes you another way,

and it's a fuckin' journey.

And then you hit a line where you're just like, (grunts),

and then you hit another one

and you're like, "Fuck, oh shit, keep it."

Oh my God, I just love it.

It's just so...

Everything is different.

Everything is beautiful.

You're so talented.

- Thank you. - But you know that.

- Thank you.

- I'm so excited for you.

I'm so excited for your book. - Thank you!

- Yes. - Where can people follow you,

if you want them to (laughing)?

- Fuck with me. - Fuck with her.

- Fuck with me at... (laughing)

- Put that on your business card!

- Fuck with me at ShaunaBarbosa.

It's just first name, last name.

- S-H-A-U...

- S-H-A-U-N-A B-A-R-B-O-S-A on Instagram, on Twitter.

- And then go buy her book, you motherfuckers,

because I swear to God...

Or even just go follow you on Twitter

'cause your shit makes me feel things like...

- Thank you,

- I'm so excited for you. - Cape Verdean Blues.

I feel like a rapper 'cause I've never like...

Cape Verdean Blues in

stores March 12th! - In stores now!

Get it while you

still can, baby! - Out now, pre-order now!

- Shit, well, thank you so much for coming.

- Thank you guys so much - You're so cool.

- for having me. - We love you and please

come back, even when you're so famous and successful

and a famous poet.

- Okay, bye.

(laughing)

♪ Then I start freakin' in the place to be ♪

♪ I do with authenticity ♪

- I'm gonna give a shout-out to

@TheCocktailChick, or Chic.

I'm not sure.

TheCocktailChick, Chic.

@ItsAmberLizet, @SavannahJLane, @LexieAbny,

@ItsJillB, @JOolio.

What?

@Hec, oh, fuck, why did I pick the hardest one?

@HeCocksLove.

(laughing) @ShromKCFamily,

and @KayceeW,

- @TheCashQueen.

Sorry I forgot to shout you out last week.

I met her in Philly and I told her I'd shout her out.

- And then you didn't deliver?

(laughing) - Yeah, oh, I was hammered.

Full blackout. - You know Kayte over-deliver,

under-promise.

Just kidding, oh my God. - Over-promise, under-deliver.

- No, that's what you should do is over...

No.

- No, I'm just gonna keep being my goddamn self.

- Sure, okay.

- @Saysp. (laughing)

@KelseyLynnF, RayWrites.

I would say rock that natural look.

Also, they have tinted moisturizers,

if that is something that you would be

interested in. - That sounds like an

insider thing that we don't understand.

- She can't wear makeup right now

and she has a hard time rockin' her natural look.

- Oh. - So I just said, "Do it."

Or for super sensitive skin, they do have

tinted moisturizers. - Look at you, givin' fuckin'

beauty advice and shit.

- QueenLatoyah, Samanther, Nicole, PaigeGlassed.

Glass (laughs), and TheBestElijah.

Also TheBestElijah, if it walks like a duck

and talks like a duck, run (chuckles).

- What the fuck are you giving subliminal advice to people

through shout-outs now? - No, TheBestElijah,

he may be getting catfished.

- Oh.

- But I don't know.

But also, the person he's talking to

seems super controlling.

- Ew, gross.

Don't forget to go rate this on iTunes!

We climbed back up in the charts last week!

- We did, thank you guys! - We're so happy for you guys.

Also, big exciting news!

We are officially going to be on Spotify starting this week!

- Yes! - Holy shit!

- We finally are now working with a company

that's helping not only get us like ads and stuff

like that but they were like, "Oh, yeah,

"you have to put this on Spotify."

So, hope that helps out for some of you

who have been wanting to listen.

You can follow me @KelseyDarragh on all the things!

- You can follow me at (laughs).

- She's eating a fucking orange, Kayte, really?

- I was sick, I need vitamin C.

- Okay.

- @KaytePeaterman on Instagram,

@-K-A-Y-T-E-P-E-A on le Twitter,

and-- - Guys, just have a good week.

We love you so much.

- We do. - Life is so good.

Even when it's bad, we're still blessed to be here.

We will see you next week! - We're on Spotify!

- [Both] Fucking bye!

(Kayte scatting)

♪ From the second that I step in the place ♪

♪ I freak and keep movin' at the head of the pace ♪

♪ I find the competition and I give 'em a taste ♪

♪ And soon they're so mad that they're red in the face ♪

♪ 'Cause what we on is something beyond ♪

♪ Every song comes sweeter than butter pecan ♪

♪ See, we dig deep ♪

Please choose the correct answer for each question below: