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Please give a big Chicago welcome to Dr.
Perita McDow aka Dr. Mac.
>> Hi.
[Applause]
Have you ever had great sex?
the really connected kind where you're
in it and you're thinking this is far
beyond my expectations, but I'm really
happy to be a part of the experience.
Not so much for the like or the love of
it all, but it's full of so much passion
that you're thinking
this is what the old school R&B songs
are about.
This is jazz.
This is flavor.
Oh, this is an orgasm.
Do you remember your first Discovery
orgasm and how it's maybe grown up a
bit? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.
I am so intrigued when I have the
opportunity to hear about really genuine
and authentic sexual experiences because
I understand how rare they are. I know
how rare they are based on the reaction
I got from this audience when I first
started my speech.
Some of you leaned in. You know exactly
what I was talking about.
Some are still clutching your pearls
trying to figure out how I'm talking
about sex from this platform.
The rest of you have absolutely no idea
what I mean
because you've never given yourself
permission
to really dig into,
think about, let alone talk about why
every single person deserves healthy,
happy, and consensual sex.
And no one should feel any shame or any
guilt regarding the type of sex they
want to have and who they want to have
it with.
So the biggest barrier between you and
not just living your best sex life but
your best life are your words. Do you
have what it takes to say what needs to
be said?
So I am only here to get you to start
some [ __ ] with yourself.
Okay.
I've had the opportunity to work with
eighth grade girls in Chicago public
schools all the way to amazing scholars
and researchers at Stanford University.
And what I have concluded from both ends
is when we think about where we learn to
communicate about sex, intimacy, and
relationships is absolutely nowhere.
We have just been living life, figuring
things out as we go, bigger trials and
even bigger errors.
So, we all suffer from one common
pre-existing condition, silence.
But why did we become so silent about
something so good?
Did we wake up one day and say, "I'm
never going to talk about that."
Or did we feel like we weren't supposed
to talk about that?
Either way, when we figure it out, we
can fix it. Your voice can become strong
enough to say things like, "I don't like
that.
I don't want that. No, sir. I did not
have an orgasm.
But we first have to figure out
where you may have lost a little bit of
your voice or just where you learned
your words.
How did you learn how people in
relationships communicated? Where did
you get it from? Or in the words of my
mother, she would say, "Girl, where did
you get that mouth?"
If my mother were here today, I would
proudly say,
"Exactly from you, mama."
As you can see,
[Applause]
>> I not only look just like my mama, I
sound like her, too.
I didn't realize it until I was in an
argument with my first boyfriend and I
used the exact same curse words as my
mother in the exact same cadence.
And it wasn't until I grew older and had
more friendships and more relationships.
And people would say it's not what you
say, it's how you say it. And I realized
in that moment
I didn't want my mother's voice.
I wanted my own.
So, I had to decide what I wanted to
sound like. And if it sounds like it
took a lot of healing and work, it did.
So, now let's dig into you.
Everybody's starting point is different.
But how did people communicate in your
house?
Was it yelling and screaming, cursing,
a lot of sarcasm, innuendo to avoid
direct communication?
Did the women do all the talking and the
men rarely communicated? And when the
women spoke,
were they ladylike,
pleasing, demure,
not to cause any conflict? Were they
loud and emasculating and rude?
I don't know,
maybe your family was loving and
understanding and when you were a child,
they knew your emotional capacity and
they answered your questions with an
immense amount of non-judgmental
patience.
Sounds like a dream.
Or maybe you didn't ask questions
because you were seen and not heard.
Maybe you didn't communicate at all out
of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of
abandonment,
fear of violence.
Either way,
that is when
you stop really talking.
Maybe that's when you lost your voice.
Maybe you never had a voice. Or maybe
you sound just like your mama, too.
But now we have to dig into
where you lost the words when you first
started to learn them. When you were
little, first started to talk. Maybe you
lost it when you said your grandmother's
famous macaroni was nasty.
And in that moment, you were swiftly
reminded
that if you tell an elder what you don't
like is disrespectful.
instead of learning how to articulate
what you don't like respectfully.
Maybe it was when you told your family,
"I don't like football.
I'm not a bear fan."
Or when you said, "I don't want to go to
the family church anymore. I don't want
to go into the family business."
Or maybe it was when you said, "I don't
like boys or I want to be one."
Either way, the reaction to that moment
determined how much shame and how much
guilt you felt around your own truth.
And you decided, I probably won't tell
it anymore.
Dr. Tyra Stevenson tells us that the
hardest part about being a
psychotherapist is ridding my clients of
shame and guilt built into them.
So when we think about these things, we
have to consider how it impacts how we
communicate today.
Maybe it's why you ghost people so you
don't have to do the work to actually
engage in the conversation to reach a
solution.
Maybe it's why you go to events, but you
stay on your phone because it's a bit
too much work to actually talk to new
people, to develop new relationships.
Maybe you rather text and actually hear
someone's voice to feel them.
Maybe you tell yourself things like, "No
new friends," or "This is just how I
am." Or anything that helps you accept
the fact that
you like the idea of people, but not
actual people.
We're breaking news.
If you want to find your person, have
good conversations that lead to great
sex, you have to be committed to being
around people in real life.
[Applause]
Maybe you got your person. Maybe you
married already and and have your
partnerships.
Believe it or not, those same
communication habits walk right into
your bedroom.
A lot of married couples have sex that
don't talk about sex.
I call that maintenance.
Imagine being a kisser. It's your thing.
You enjoy kissing. It starts everything
up for you. But you won't tell your
partner because you don't want to deal
with it. You don't want the complaints.
You don't want to have the conversation.
You're not enjoying sex. You're
tolerating it.
What if you love to be touched? It makes
you feel sexy and wanted and everything
in between, but you won't tell your
partner that that's something that you
like because they're supposed to read
your mind and just know.
I've had the blessing of being able to
have conversations with thousands of
black women and we have this tone of
tolerance
that somehow it makes sense
for us
to stay in an unsatisfactory
mediocre situation
and that seems fair. But demanding that
we have the best, not just sex life, but
the best relationship seems a bit rude.
And when I've had the opportunity to
work with men, either in my classroom or
when they're commenting under something
that I posted,
they seem to have this fear of
neverending conflict should they decide
to address the type of sex that their
wife is giving them.
I heard a gentleman tell me that if I
ask my wife for the sex that I want, she
will divorce me.
Both examples confuse me
because to be at risk of some form of
punishment or disciplinary action or
avoidance or silent treatment because
you want to try something new in the
bedroom.
Wow. I know we fighting for freedom of
speech in the world, but you fighting
for freedom of speech at home.
This type of communication takes a bit
of humility. For sure.
We've already established that some of
us didn't get textbooks and long
conversations about intimacy and sex and
that we haven't solicited the help of a
psychologist, a psychotherapist, a sex
therapist, an intimacy coach, nobody.
So, how dare us get offended when
somebody who has committed to have sex
with us one time or for a lifetime says,
"This ain't it.
We need help. I want more."
Not being able to communicate and
advocate for yourself in your
relationship is a prison of sorts.
Dr. Vanessa Goodard tells us that when
you practice self-carebased
communication, you're practicing
self-love.
You have to advocate for yourself.
That's what sounds like freedom.
freedom in your relationship to be able
to say, "Let's try this." Even if it's
just an experiment one time or if you
decide to say, "I could do this every
day."
Or the humility and the vulnerability
that comes with saying, "I need help
with this. Can you show me?"
That is when you find the rhythm.
That is when you hear the jazz.
That is when you taste the flavor.
That level of authenticity and honesty
makes your relationship multi-layered
and multi-orggasmic.
I like the claps every time I say
orgasm.
So stop skipping the conversations.
There is no real relationship that you
really want to keep where you don't have
the capacity to talk it through.
And remember, it's not just for you.
It's for everybody that's listening to
you. Are our children learning how to
advocate or avoid? Are they learning how
to talk or are they learning how to
ghost?
Either way, I know the future must be
full of humans talking to each other.
So, now that I've convinced you
that people who have great
communication,
end up in great relationships,
and have mindblowing sex, you just have
to do a few things. First, tell yourself
the truth.
about what you need help with and ask
for help.
I understand this is Chicago and we're
very confident people, but like my
husband often tells me, even Jordan had
a coach.
Now that you know better, vow to do
better. You can no longer pretend that
you didn't hear me say these words.
And be both graceful and grateful for
the growth in your partnerships and in
your relationships.
I am Dr. Harita Tama Lache Jackson
Mcdow.
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
But Dr. Mac will do.
I wish you a lifetime of great
conversations and mindblowing sex.
[Music]
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