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Don't judge today's progress by
yesterday's definition of success.
What mattered then might not matter now.
Don't hold yourself hostage to the
dreams of your younger self.
It's okay if you've outgrown them. Don't
compare today's version of you to an old
standard that no longer fits.
Yesterday's goals were right for who you
were then. Today's goals are right for
who you are right now.
>> The number one health and wellness
podcast,
>> J Shetty.
>> J Shetty,
>> the one, the only J Shetty.
>> Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose.
It's your host J Shetty. And whether
you're cooking, whether you're cleaning,
whether you're rushing off to work,
whether you're at the gym, whether
you're walking your dog, I'm so grateful
that you're joining me. Thank you for
letting me into your life and your ears.
I don't take your time for granted and I
want to make this the best 30 minutes to
shift your mindset. Thanks for investing
this time and let's go get it. So, if
you've been feeling stuck, if you're
feeling late, if you're feeling behind,
this episode is for you. Maybe you're
seeing all your friends get married
right now and you're thinking, "I don't
even know who I'm going to be with."
Maybe all your friends are getting
promoted or moving into a nicer
apartment and you're thinking, "I'm
still living at home." Maybe some of you
are looking around you and just
thinking, "Everyone seems to be doing
better. Everyone seems happier. Everyone
seems like they have more going on and
I'm feeling bored." If you felt any of
those things, I want you to know that
what you're thinking and feeling right
now is actually the launch pad to your
best self, not a dead end. See, here's
the reality. Our targets haven't
changed. They just feel more
unattainable than ever. We grew up in a
world that was all about going to
college, getting a good degree, getting
a good job, getting married, and all
these things had to happen by a certain
age, then having kids by a certain age,
promoted by a certain age. And it almost
feels like we're still living by those
metrics, but in a world that is
drastically changed in a world that is
actually processing itself completely
differently. Industries have changed.
Apps have been invented. There is so
much happening with AI and technology,
but we're still living by the same
metrics of success. What I want to
address today is talk about the
emotional response and the thought in
your head and the feelings that you're
having and talk to you about the
research, the data and the reflective
approach to what's really happening in
our lives. So the first thought that a
lot of us are having right now and maybe
you've had this one as well is I am
behind everyone. I'm behind. I've been
left behind. Everyone's ahead of me.
Um, I don't know what to do.
Sociologists call this the idea of a
social clock. Milestones like marriage,
kids, or career by a certain age. But
studies show that people who deviate
from the social clock often report equal
or greater life satisfaction.
So, we think if I stay on track, I'll be
happier. But the truth is, those who
deviate are either equally as happy or
potentially even more happy. There's no
late. There's only your time. The social
clock is the unspoken timeline society
sets for us. Graduate by your early 20s,
marry by your late 20s, kids by 30,
house by 35, career peak by 40, etc.,
etc., etc. But what researchers found is
that they studied adults who were on
time following the clock and those who
were off time later or earlier than
expected milestones. The result, people
who felt comfortable with their own
timing, even if it deviated, reported
equal or greater life satisfaction
compared to those who rigidly followed
the clock. I really want you to digest
this. I really want you to inhale and
breathe this in.
Those who deviate from the social clock
are equally as happy, if not more happy.
If you're not married yet, and you think
you should be, if you haven't got
promoted yet, and you think you should
be, if you haven't had kids yet, and you
think you should have, that doesn't
steal your chance at a happy, joyful,
wonderful life. That's just not how it
works. The key factor wasn't when
milestones happened, but how much
control and meaning people felt over
their lives. What we're struggling with
at the root
is 30 and 35 and 40 gives us a sense of
control. So, when we get to 32 and we
haven't found our person, we think we've
lost control.
We think we've lost agency. We think
we've lost the ability to choose. We're
actually not worried about age. What
we're really worried of is about
control. I want to be able to control my
life. And if everyone's doing something
at 30, that means I'm out of control. So
what do we do with that? You control the
things you can change. You control the
things you can impact. You control the
things you can influence.
It's that which is going to make your
life happy. Why this matters
psychologically is that feeling in
charge of your choices predicts
happiness more than hitting milestones
on a schedule.
Feeling in charge of your choices.
That's what we're looking for as humans.
We want to feel like I know why I'm
doing this, but let's take a look at
this. If you make a decision based on a
milestone and your only reason is, I
think I'm late, you're not going to feel
in charge of your choices. If your only
thought is, I don't want to be left
behind, you're not really in charge of
your choices. If your only thought is,
everyone's doing it. Why am I not?
You're not in charge of your choices,
which leads to bad decisions. I always
say to people, it's better to be single
and deal with the challenges that come
with that in your mind and in your
thoughts than the challenges of being
with someone who's not right for you. It
comes with so much more baggage, so much
more stress.
So, knowing you're in charge of your
choices will change your life. Now,
people who felt pressured by the clock
often reported anxiety, depression, or
dissatisfaction if they felt behind. But
those who read this find success on
their own terms tended to have healthier
mental well-being. And this is how that
plays out today. The social clock has
loosened since the 1960s. People marry
later. They switch careers more often.
They delay kids. And we're going to talk
about all of those things later on in
this video. But the pressure still
exists and it's just amplified by social
media. The research is finding is more
relevant than ever before. If you detach
your self-worth from society's
stopwatch, you actually increase your
odds of life satisfaction.
The research proves what we keep trying
to avoid. You're not late. You're only
late if you're living by someone else's
watch. It's almost like you're living in
New York, but you're looking at someone
who lives in Singapore and thinking
you're behind. Well, of course you're
behind. You live in New York. You
couldn't possibly be on the same time as
Singapore. Does that mean you're behind?
Is it weird that Australia celebrates
New Years before all of us? Does that
mean we're behind? No, we're just
following a different clock. Stop
following everyone else's timeline.
Stop believing everyone else's highlight
reel. Stop chasing everyone else's
definition of success.
Stop trying to reach everyone else's
milestones.
Stop feeling everyone else's pressure to
have it figured out. Stop needing
everyone else's validation.
Stop following everyone else's path when
your soul is pointing another way.
That's how you experience peace. Now,
let's say your thought is, "I haven't
found my career or my purpose yet." The
US Bureau of Labor Statistics found the
average American changes jobs 12 times
in their lifetime. Careers are far less
straight lines than they used to be.
Most of these changes happen before age
35. Meaning your 20s and early 30s are
often about testing, shifting, and
experimenting,
not locking in to one perfect path. See,
that's why you feel behind. You're at an
age that is actually more predisposed to
experimentation and testing, but because
so many people are choosing not to do
that and they might be doubling down,
you feel behind. But you're actually at
a natural pace. You're actually finding
yourself. You're discovering yourself.
You're collecting skills. You're
collecting experiences and stories. If
you're always looking at the timeline
and the track, you'll feel left behind,
even if you're having the best
experience of your life. Support for
this podcast is brought to you by Walden
University. Ever catch yourself
thinking, "What if I could go after what
I actually want and really make a
difference?" You're not alone. And
that's exactly why I want to tell you
about Walden University. For over 50
years, Walden has helped working adults
like you get the W with the knowledge
and skills to build the future you want
and make a difference where it matters
most. If you've been waiting for the
right moment, this is it. Head to
Waldenu.edu
and take that first step. Walden
University, set a course for change.
Certified to operate by Chev. It brings
me so much joy to share this with you
and to give something back in the
process. Juny is now available at Whole
Foods Market nationwide and I'd love for
you to try it for free. Head to
drinkjuny.com/j
and get a complimentary can of Juny on
me at any Whole Foods market. Radi and I
created Juny with a simple intention to
help you feel better from the inside
out. It's a sparkling adaptogenic drink
crafted with ashwagandha, lion's mane,
and green tea to boost your mood,
support your focus, and give you clean,
natural energy that stays with you
throughout the day. So, go to
drinkjuny.com/j
and run to your nearest Whole Foods
Market for your free Juny. I can't wait
for you to try it. Cheers. Now, here's
the truth. The economy has shifted.
Previous generations often stayed in one
company or one role for decades. Today,
industries transform quickly. Tech,
media, healthcare. So, people have to
adapt. Literally, the job I do today
didn't really exist 15 years ago. And I
was just talking about this with my
friend about how even in nine years
since I started creating content,
everything has changed. Tik Tok didn't
exist when I started. YouTube was having
a moment. YouTube's having another
moment today. Podcasting wasn't as big
as it is. When I launched my podcast 6
years ago, there were 700,000 podcasts.
Today, there's like 5 million of them.
Everything is changing rapidly. How
could you possibly know what career path
you have to take? Today, we're looking
at the impact of AI on every industry.
It's exciting. It's not something to get
scared about. There's so much
opportunity, but what we get scared
about is why don't I know what I'm
doing? The reality is what you're meant
to be doing may not even exist yet.
Values have shifted. Millennials and Gen
Z especially prioritize meaning,
flexibility, and growth over stability
alone. It's normal. Psychologists Anna
and Tanner in 2006 describe ages 18 to
29 as emerging adulthood. A stage where
identity exploration is expected, not a
sign of being lost. It's psychologically
not a sign of being lost. It's
exploration. When you think you're lost,
you're actually exploring. When you
think you're stuck, you're actually
discovering. When you think you've hit a
dead end, you're actually at the
beginning. Career zigzags are healthier.
Studies show people who allow themselves
to pivot often report higher job
satisfaction and engagement because they
align better with their strengths.
Linear paths are outdated. Thinking you
need a perfect straight line career is
rooted in the industrial era, not in
today's fluid skill-based economy. Your
purpose is not your job.
Jobs change. Purpose doesn't get fired.
Your purpose is not your skills. Skills
are tools. Purpose is why you pick them
up. Your purpose is not your
achievements. Trophies gather dust.
Purpose keeps shining. Your purpose is
not your title. Titles fade the moment
you walk out of the door. Your purpose
is not your income. Money measures
transactions.
Purpose measures meaning. Your purpose
is not a single moment. It's not the one
big thing. It's the thread running
through all your moments. Your purpose
is not external approval. Likes,
applause, validation. They're unstable.
Purpose is what remains when the
clapping stops. Your purpose is why you
do what you do. It's why you exist. Your
purpose is simply to collect and
connect. Spend your life collecting
skills and experiences and stories and
at one point you'll find how they
connect. Now, maybe your thought is, I
can't afford a home. I took a look at
the statistics. I wanted to share the
research with you. 50 years ago, buying
a house felt like climbing a hill.
Today, it feels like scaling a mountain.
Incomes simply haven't kept up with the
rise of housing prices. In the 1970s to
1990s, a typical home cost about 2.5 to
three times the average household
income. Example, if you earn $30,000,
the average house was around $79,000.
It's hard but doable with savings. Now,
in the 2000s, that ratio crept up closer
to three times income. Houses were
starting to stretch budgets, but still
within reach for many people. In the
2010s, after the financial crisis, home
prices rebounded much faster than
incomes. The ratio jumped to about 4.5
times income. And today, in 2025, the
gap has grown even more. A median home
costs over six times the median
household income in many parts of the
United States. For example, if the
average household income makes $74,000,
the average home costs $430,000.
You're not behind if you can't buy a
home right now. The game itself has
changed. Things haven't stayed the same.
Homes have outpaced incomes by 2x
compared to your parents or
grandparents' time. Don't measure
yourself today by the goals people had
50 years ago. Things are different.
You're different. Don't judge today's
progress by yesterday's definition of
success.
What mattered then might not matter now.
Don't hold yourself hostage to the
dreams of your younger self.
It's okay if you've outgrown them. Don't
compare today's version of you to an old
standard that no longer fits.
Yesterday's goals were right for who you
were then. Today's goals are right for
who you are right now. Now, maybe your
thought is, I'm not married yet, or I'm
not in love yet. I haven't found my
person. The median age for your first
marriage in the United States is now 30
for men and 28 for women. That's up
nearly a decade from the 1970s from Pew
Research in 2021. Now, I know what
you're thinking, Jay. I'm 30. I'm 32.
I'm already behind. I'm four years
behind. You just told me it's 28. Well,
take a second. Do you want to be married
or do you want to have a successful
marriage?
Well, then it's not about age.
Do you want to be in love or do you want
to have a healthy relationship?
Well, then it's not about age. Do you
want to find someone so you're not
alone? Or do you want a life partner?
Because then it's not about age. If you
want a real lasting love, a healthy
relationship, a life partner, it's got
nothing to do with age. It's all about
maturity. It's all about emotional
intelligence.
It's all about selfmastery.
Relationships don't last or fall apart
because of the age you met.
Relationships are not better because you
met before 30 and worse because you met
after. They're better because you got to
know yourself and so did that person.
Marriage success is about maturity, not
timing. It's not about age. I've always
found it fascinating. I love weddings. I
love love. I've had the fortune of
officiating marriages. And when I'm
officiating a wedding, the only thing
I'm saying to myself in my mind is,
"Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry."
Because I love love so much. I love
weddings. I love vows. I love all of it.
But here's the thing. From everyone I've
coached and people I've worked with,
people spend so much more time and money
planning a wedding than they do planning
a marriage. When you're planning a
wedding, you're thinking about the guest
list.
If you planned your marriage, you'd know
whose company you'd want for the rest of
your life. When you're planning a
wedding, you're thinking about the
budget. When you're planning a marriage,
we often avoid conversations about
money. When you're planning a wedding,
you're excited. You're looking forward
to it. When you're living in a marriage,
you may lose that spark. We spend more
time planning a wedding than we do a
marriage, even though the marriage is
what we're going to have for the rest of
our life. and the wedding is going to be
over in a night. And I'm not saying
weddings are not important. I had a
wedding that I loved. It was a
beautiful, beautiful day. Trying to help
us shift our focus onto building a
marriage, not just a wedding. On
building love, not just not being
lonely. If you're someone who's 32, 30,
34, 35, 40, 50, whatever it is, here's I
want you to remind yourself, and I want
you to say this to yourself. Marrying
later doesn't mean my life will be
harder.
It means I have more clarity about what
I want. The time I've taken to grow, to
work, to know myself is actually giving
me a better chance for a good, healthy
relationship.
Happiness in marriage doesn't come from
marrying young or old. It comes from
communication, shared values, and
emotional readiness.
We've got to reprogram our mind. Got to
shift the way we're thinking. You're not
late if you get married at 35.
You're not late if you find your person
at 40. You're not late if you're still
single while everyone else posts wedding
photos.
You're not late if your love story
starts later than your friends.
You're not late if you choose yourself
before choosing someone else. You're not
late if you waited for a healthy love
instead of rushing into a toxic one.
You're not late if you're still figuring
out who you are while others settle
down. You're not late if you build your
life first. and let love join it later.
You're not late. Now, maybe the next
thought is the one you're having. I
haven't achieved anything yet. So, maybe
you found a job that you like. Maybe
you're doing all right in your
relationship, but you're thinking, I
haven't achieved anything right now.
There's billionaires that are 21 years
old, 30 years old. What am I doing now?
There's influencers that are
millionaires at 16. What am I doing with
my life? I haven't achieved anything
yet. I haven't won any award. I haven't
been noticed. haven't been recognized.
I'm sure it's very natural to feel that
way. By the way, there's more awards
than ever existed before. Before we had
the Emmys, the Oscars, the Grammys, and
the Tony's, right? Today, there's like a
million different awards for a million
different things. Feels like we're just
making up awards to give them out. But
think about this for a second. Take a
look at this research. Early bloomers
don't guarantee lasting success.
Research from Harvard's Grant Study, the
longestr running study of adult
development, found that life
satisfaction at age 70 correlated more
with relationship quality than with
early career success. What predicts
happiness at age 70 and age 80? It
wasn't their fame. It wasn't their
income. It wasn't their early career
achievements that best predicted who was
happier later on. It was the warmth of
their relationships with family and
friends. It was the closeness of their
community. People who had close,
satisfying relationships at age 50 were
healthier, happier, more resilient into
old age. We all want to feel better, to
have more energy and more focus
throughout the day. That's why I
co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic
drink made with powerful ingredients
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your focus, and give you natural energy,
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focus, and mood, all with zero sugar. Be
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you can use the code onpurpose 20 for
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daily mood boost. Those who reported
being very satisfied in their
relationships at middle age tended to
have better physical health by their
80s, slower cognitive decline, less
chronic illness, mental and emotional
well-being. Even when life was painful,
whether you had loss, illness, or
setbacks, people in warm relationships
weathered it better emotionally and
physically.
Big wins in your 20s or 30s, big titles,
money recognition didn't consistently
lead to better health or deeper joy
later in life, if the relationships
weren't strong. Some people who seemed
on top early floundered later if their
social bonds were weak. At the same
time, some with modest achievements but
strong connections reported greater life
satisfaction.
Don't measure your life by your wins.
Measure it by the people who cheer when
you win. Don't measure your life by what
you've achieved. Don't measure your life
by your wins.
Measure your life by the people who
stand with you when you lose.
Don't measure your life by what you've
achieved. Measure it by who's there to
truly celebrate you.
Don't measure your life by the size of
your following.
Measure it by the depth of your
friendships. Don't measure your life by
the validation of strangers.
Measure it by the love of the ones who
truly know you. So many of us are
getting this wrong. I recently was at
two people's 70th birthdays. Two
friends, family friends, one of them and
another is a personal friend. and I got
to go to their 70th birthday parties
which was truly one of the most special
experiences of my life. both of them. At
one of them, we sat one night, probably
about a hundred people there that this
person had known for decades. Their
children, their children's friends, they
had their friends from all over the
years, whether it was school, business,
life, work. And what was really
interesting is when their friends spoke
about them, even though these people had
achieved something pretty phenomenal in
their life from a material perspective,
no one mentioned it.
People didn't talk about how much money
they made as one of their success
points. People didn't talk about how
much fame they had. People didn't talk
about what their career acumen was and
what their business strategy was.
People talked about how they were as
people. They were loyal friends who
always showed up. They were caring and
compassionate when they were needed
and they were always there.
That's what our legacy is.
That's what will be remembered.
Focus on that. Maybe the thought in your
head is it's too late to start anything
new. Well, studies on neuroplasticity
show the brain can grow, rewire, and
adapt well into your 60s and 70s. The
brain is built for reinvention at any
age. For decades, scientists believe the
brain was fixed after childhood. But
modern neuroscience flipped that belief.
The brain remains plastic, changeable
throughout life. Neuroplasticity means
you can form new neural connections,
learn new skills, and adapt to new
environments even in your 60s and 70s
and beyond. People in their 70s who took
up a new language showed measurable
changes in brain activity and improved
cognitive health. Even older adults who
learned an instrument showed new neural
growth and better memory. The principle
for life is this. Your brain is not a
hard drive that fills up and locks up.
It's more like a muscle. Use it in new
ways and it reshapes and continues to
grow. Which means this, you're never too
late to start a career, build a skill,
or create a new path. Your biology is
actually on your side. If you want to
learn a skill at 40, your brain will
literally rewire. If you want to switch
careers at 50, your brain can form fresh
pathways. You want to start over at 60,
your brain is still capable of growth,
just a little bit slower, but still
possible. It's never too late to start
again. It's never too late to find love.
It's never too late to start a career
you actually enjoy.
It's never too late to go back to school
or learn a skill you always wanted. It's
never too late to take control of your
health, no matter your past habits. It's
never too late to repair a relationship
that matters to you. It's never too late
to start saving, investing, or getting
smarter with money. It's never too late
to change directions when the life you
built doesn't fit anymore. And maybe
your thought is, I'm getting too old to
be happy. Happiness actually peaks later
than you think. A lot of people say, "I
miss the good old days." And what they
mean is, "I miss being at college." Now,
here's the truth. If you just graduated
college, I promise you that does not
have to be your best years. If you
graduated college 10 years ago, I
promise you those do not have to be your
best years. Imagine living the rest of
your life and thinking college were my
best years. I promise you every decade
can get better than the last if you want
it to. Every decade can be more
fulfilling if you want it to. College
should never be your best years. They
should be great years, fun years, but
never your best years. Large-scale
studies found that happiness follows a
Ushaped curve. Life satisfaction dips in
the 40s, then rises again, peaking in
the 50s and beyond. Here's the
principle. You may not even have hit
your happiest years yet. How can you be
late to your own peak? Based on
large-scale surveys of more than 340,000
Americans, participants rated daily
emotions and overall life evaluation.
What they found was this. Early
adulthood 20 to30s, higher optimism,
excitement, but also higher stress,
anxiety, and comparison pressure.
Midlife 40s, life satisfaction hits a
low point. often called the midlife
crisis or slump. This is linked to
juggling work, kids, money, pressures,
aging parents, and unfulfilled
expectations.
Later life, 50s plus, life satisfaction
begins to climb again, often higher than
in early adulthood. People report more
gratitude, contentment, and emotional
stability. Happiness tends to rise
through the 50s, 60s, and 70s depending
on health and social support. And here's
why. By midlife, people recalibrate
expectations and stop measuring against
unrealistic goals. Older adults score
higher on emotional stability because
they have fewer mood swings, less anger,
less envy, and comparison.
Studies show how older adults value
time, relationships, meaning more than
status or comparison. They focus on
fewer but deeper relationships.
So, if you're 40 and feeling behind,
science suggests you're in the natural
dip of the curve. Not broken, not late.
Statistically, things get better. The
happiness rebound means your 50s and 60s
may bring more contentment than your 20s
ever did. Happiness isn't front-loaded.
It's U-shaped. If you're in the valley,
the data says you're climbing toward a
peak. I hope that that answers helps you
think about some of the thoughts that
are going on your mind. I hope you use
this episode as a way to interrupt that
pattern. These thoughts are just
patterns. I'm not good enough. I'm
behind. I'm late. I'm not married yet. I
haven't found my person. They're just
patterns. Patterns that you've repeated.
This episode is about breaking that
pattern. Listen to it again and again
and again until you realize that your
timeline is fine. Your watch is working.
Your clock is accurate. And when you're
present with the time you have, you'll
create an amazing future. Thanks for
listening. Make sure you subscribe.
Share this with a friend. And remember,
I'm forever in your corner and I'm
always rooting for you. Thank you so
much for listening to this conversation.
If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat
with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the
key to growth and the strategies for
unlocking your hidden potential. If you
know you want to be more and achieve
more this year, go check it out right
now. You set a goal today, you achieve
it in 6 months, and then by the time it
happens, it's almost a relief. There's
no sense of meaning and purpose.
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