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i have left dunder mifflin after many
record-breaking years and i am
officially
on the job market and it's very exciting
for your convenience i've broken it down
into three parts
professional resume athletic and special
skills resume and
dwight troop trivia i am ready to face
any challenges that might be foolish
enough to face me
how would i describe myself three words
hard-working
alpha male jackhammer
merciless insatiable there's nothing on
my horizon except everything
everything is on my horizon i got this
job to make some money while i continue
my employment search
and uh it's fine for the time being
oops break's over
big turkey
[Applause]
[Music]
all four parts recorded on my computer
it took me forever nice job thank you
much lee
[Music]
i called it myself just let you get a
kick out of the new ring
yikes side note just like to say i'm
thrilled to be working directly beneath
you
i feel i have a lot to learn from you
even though you're younger and have
less experience so
here's to the future andy and the tudor
any and the tuna
oh
mr white
congratulations universe you win
hello son if you're watching this that
means i'm already dead
life is over i don't know it's going to
be a boy how would you stop interrupting
please
yesterday i was scraping some gunk off
my wall sockets with a metal fork
and i gave myself the nastiest shock
and when i came to i had an epiphany
life is precious and if i die
i want my son
to know the dealio dealio of life
here are some things that i want to
teach you that your mother won't be able
to
to jump start a car first pop the hood
then you take these bad boys and clip
them
anywhere on the engine then you take
these
and clip them wherever
number eight learn how to take off a
woman's bra what we will demonstrate on
pam no
and no come on you just twist your hand
until something breaks
oh well you get the picture thanks pam
and remember no matter what i will
always love you what if he's a murderer
he's not going to be a murderer maybe
that's how you die you know what
dwight do you want to do this or no i
want to do with this
okay from the top ready
three action ah
damn that's another file i'm gonna have
to reboot
again
[Music]
hey dwight do you want an altoid what do
you think
in school we learned about this
scientist who trained dogs to salivate
at the sound of a bell
by feeding them whenever a bell rang so
for the past couple weeks i've been
conducting a
similar experiment
dwight moreno okay
halton sure
been twice
[Music]
what are you doing i
what i don't know i well
my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden
oh hey kevin nice of you to join us
where were you
my tire blew out on the way here michael
huh i almost
died i went into this skid pop quiz
what why is today a special day i almost
died today is a special day
because i am being honored as
a visiting professor
special lecturer emeritus how did you
how did how do
you will be a guest speaker in my
emerging enterprises class
in business school kevin
business school wow if you bring your
boss to class it automatically
bumps you up a full letter grade so
i'd be stupid not to do it right a boss
is like a teacher and i am like the cool
teacher
like mr handel mr handel would
hang out with us and he would tell us
awesome jokes
and he actually hooked up with one of
the students
and then like 12 other kids came forward
it was in all the papers
really ruined eighth grade for us
can you confirm that the straps are
tight
yes but this and now
the chains
a lot of people think that magic camp is
just for kids and that's why so many
other people in my class were kids
self-fulfilling prophecy it's um
really for anybody with a dream
and a belief in magic and a little extra
time after school
and now michael the magic will attempt
to escape
from extreme bondage can he do it
i don't see how he can i know how he'll
dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm
out no
no everyone now count down with me
three sorry quick thing so is it true
that if you can't get out you don't want
anyone to help you
i will get out oh yes i will
so we shouldn't help you no matter how
much you might beg and please no all
right
just this is getting hot so let's just
do this okay ready three
two one go
[Applause]
is everything okay michael
yes i cannot tell you
how i plan to escape other than by using
magic that is the magician's code
separately on an unrelated note if you
happen to find a small
brass key
so do you want to see it or not i don't
know i like
friday night crowds oh my god you're
like agoraphobic
agoraphobic yeah really yeah you would
rather
sit on your couch and watch a philly's
game then go out to a movie with your
awesome girlfriend
absolutely correct later gem kev have a
good weekend yeah
okay bye okay so this is what's gonna
happen you're gonna suck it up here we
go
and we're gonna go to dinner okay and
then we're gonna go to the movies
hey helper
hey
right right
pam please call security
every day for eight years i have brought
pepper spray into this office to protect
myself and my fellow employees
and every day for eight years people
have laughed at me
well who's laughing now
good morning pam oh welcome back andy
drew i'm drew now oh
drew sorry apology not
accepted because it wasn't even
necessary in the first place
several weeks ago andy bernard had an
incident
but after five weeks in anger management
i'm back
and i've got a new attitude and a new
name
and a bunch of new techniques for
dealing with the grumpies
morning jim hey andy how are you man
good drew what's that you can call me
drew
no i'm not gonna call you that cool
i can't control what you do i can only
control what i do
andy drew
dwight how's it going man
yes i have decided to shun andy bernard
for the next three years
which i'm looking forward to it's an
amish technique
it's like slapping someone with silence
i was shunned from the age of four until
my sixth birthday
for not saving the excess oil from a can
of tuna
jim could you please inform andy bernard
that he is being shunned andy
dwight says welcome back and he could
use a hug
okay tell him that that's not true
dwight says that he actually doesn't
know one single fact about bear attacks
okay no jim tell him bears can climb
faster than they can run
jim tell him andy
that's too far damn you
it's kind of blurry
that's better
question what kind of bear is best
that's a ridiculous question false black
bear
well that's debatable there are
basically two schools of thought fact
bears eat beets bears
beats battlestar galactica bears do not
what is going on what are you doing last
week i was in a drug store and i saw
these glasses
uh four dollars and it only cost me
seven dollars to recreate the rest of
the ensemble and that's a grand total of
eleven dollars you know what imitation
is the most sincere form of flattery so
i thank you
identity theft is not a joke jim
millions of families suffer every year
michael oh that's funny michael
hey
oh what's this that is demerit
jim halpert tardiness oh
i love it already you got to learn jim
you are second in command but that does
not put you above the law oh i
understand
and i also have lots of questions like
what does a demerit mean
let's put it this way you do not want to
receive three of those
three demerits and you'll receive a
citation now that sounds serious oh it
is serious
five citations and you're looking at a
violation four of those and you'll
receive a verbal warning
keep it up and you're looking at a
written warning two of those
that'll land you in a world of hurt in
the form of a disciplinary review
written up by me and placed on the desk
of my immediate superior which would be
me
that is correct okay i want a copy on my
desk
by the end of the day or you will
receive a full desatulation
what's a dis what's that
oh you don't want to know
okay where does it hurt just all over
i don't want to do anything dying
no that's not how it works you have to
point to a specific part of the body
right there abdomen
menses maybe the uterus contracts after
your egg passes
through it not it i don't have eggs so
when did this start
about 10 minutes ago when i came in with
the paperwork
um about 40 times a year michael gets
really sick but has no symptoms
dwight is always gravely concerned
oh is it possible you ate food that
contained animal waste
it's possible michael uh david wallace
is on line one
see a phone oh all right
everybody out out out okay
to what do i owe this great honor david
wallace michael
i am calling it
jan is jan there
janet out of town right now oh you sigh
like jan
i broke jan's heart david and i feel
awful it was
it was never my intention to ruin a life
but you know what
sometimes michael you just gots to get
your freak on
michael yeah michael hmm i am calling
to see if you would come down and
interview for a job
we have opening up in corporate really
a week from today bring your first
quarter stats and your recommendation
for who take over the scranton branch
wow i wish i had prepared something
to say that's not necessary god
guide you in your quest
yes
david oh michael are we all set
isn't our interview tomorrow
yes i just happened to be in the
neighborhood thought i'd drop in
say hello happen to be in midtown
manhattan
i thought i'd catch a show no no work
day
no you know what
since i'm here let me ask you a few
questions about
the job okay um how many people are you
interviewing
you're only interviewing branch managers
and some lower level company people
ah well good out of curiosity are you
interviewing anyone
who has been here longer than i have or
manages more people
i don't think so great one more question
when you merged those branches who did
you put in charge
i believe we put you in charge all right
no further questions okay michael okay i
am really looking forward to our
interview
and i'm really looking forward to
working with you
i have got it made in the shade
i know this company the other branch
managers are total morons
hey pam yeah i forgot what day the
interview was i drove to new york
accidentally be like three hours late
you
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