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HOST: He returns now to tell us about

the most incredible con man he ever knew.

A blond-haired, blue-eyed negro called White Folks.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS TIMIDLY) -(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)

You're not putting us on, are you, Slim?

GUEST: No, that's-- that's, uh, that's factual.

(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)

(WAVES CRASHING)

Peace.

Used to be without a God.

-(TYPEWRITER CLANGS) -Whoa.

(CLACKING CONTINUES)

MOTHER: Yeah, I'm just really sick of it all. I really-- you know.

Like, how dare they shame me, shame us,

for putting a roof over the child's head?

MATTY: They're entertainment websites, they don't mean anything, babe.

MOTHER: I know, it just gets to me. She's just a child.

What did you say her new name is?

See? Matty, Jesus. The name has to change.

-JOE: Really? I-- -I sent him the study

about how people don't hire candidates

with black sounding names.

What people? And who says that, that--

(WHISPERS) Solame sounds black?

Gatekeepers.

Okay, the gatekeepers. Right.

I say it sounds... African.

MOTHER: Matty, it's fucking science, get with the program.

-(WHISPERS) Do you have idea -MOTHER: And you want to further

-what you sound like? -disable her.

-Do you hear what you sound like? -Yes!

Like a concerned mother.

MATTY: Okay. Hey, okay.

We'll decide on another name.

Sorry, it's new parenting stress.

It's fine. I totally get it.

You don't, but that's nice of you to say.

I mean...

I feel like... making movies...

it's been like birthing children.

Really?

JOE: I mean, I'm in a process right now.

Don't listen to anything I say.

You're in the process? Do you, uh--

You writing something?

-I am. Yes. -MATTY: Ah.

So you'll be in it as well or?

-That's the plan. -MATTY: Huh. -Who will direct?

-Me, as well. -(LAUGHS)

Wow, that's incredible.

How's it going? What's it about? Tell us more.

♪ (FLUTTERING MUSIC CRESCENDOS) ♪

-I... still... haven't-- -(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

MATTY: Yeah, that just sort of happens.

I don't know this language. It's not her mother tongue,

you know, comes out.

Our psychiatrist says it's PTSD. From the war.

In Malawi or Madagascar?

-MOTHER: Malawi. -MATTY: Malawi.

-(VOICES FADE) -(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪ (AFRICAN SONG FADES TO FOREGROUND) ♪

(GUNFIRE PLAYS ON COMPUTER)

(MEN CLAMORING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(REWINDING)

(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

-(WIND BLOWING) -(STATIC NOISE)

-(RUMBLING) -(HORN BLOWING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

-(COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING) -JOE: I want to play him.

-PRODUCER: That's illegal. -JOE: What?

PRODUCER: You can't go full blackface.

I mean the whole Ramses thing already, come on.

-You said that was a net win. -Yeah, key word "net."

I mean, there were losses suffered.

JOE: Not him.

(PRODUCER SIGHS)

-JOE: Him. In the background. -Oh, God.

-PRODUCER: Who, that guy? -JOE: Yeah, him.

-PRODUCER: You can barely see him. -JOE: I know.

But he's there.

PRODUCER: What is a guy like that doing in a place like that?

My thoughts exactly. What is he doing there?

Why would he sacrifice so much?

-PRODUCER: Bro, thing's like 40 pages. -To help those--

I could be wrong, but I think you need more than this--

Listen, I have researched the guy, he's fascinating.

Ex-Navy SEAL decides to become a missionary in Africa.

So...

JOE: The character sells itself. Accept the package.

So, like a Zero Dark Continent type of thing.

We can get France to pre-buy, we only need like two million.

Yeah, I hear it's pretty affordable

-to shoot in Africa. -JOE: Until packaging.

-Especially right now. -JOE: The potential for this...

is fucking unlimited.

Okay. All right.

It's not a bad idea, but here's the thing.

The first thing you gotta do,

you gotta get somebody to play your sidekick.

Your homie. Mm?

Kevin-- Jamie Foxx. Naomi, what's up?!

Mahershala-- Denzel.

You never been to Africa?

Lakeith... Stop talking for a second.

Chadwick, I mean, what do I have to do here?

Okay.

Hey, is Jaden around? I hear you, Lupita. (SIGHS)

What's happening with black women in this country

right now, it's...

(SIGHS)

Uh, listen, before you go, you have Octavia's number?

No, no, no. The white guy in that was like...

-(ECHOES) -Hey this is an important movie.

-This is not... bullshit. -WOMAN: These are your...

-Actually-- Okay. Uh... -orphans.

Hol-- Hold on, I might have to call you back.

-WOMAN: These are the orphans. -Oh.

(FLICKERING)

Well, these aren't gonna work. (SIGHS)

We need... real orphans.

We need a real kid.

This is why we have to shoot in the Congo.

Well, the producers say that we can shoot in studio

-for the Congo. -Those fuckin' suits.

And I can't... say I disagree.

JOE: The light. The light is different.

It's the African sun for Christ's sake.

It's like melanin, natural light,

it's gonna be great, it's different, it's better.

Listen, the ship has sailed.

-The tickets are booked. -What?

PRODUCER: (OVER SPEAKER) Let me reiterate,

we are going to shoot Toronto.

A studio in Toronto for Kinshasa, okay?

They have a huge population of Somalis here

that can pass for Congolese.

Uh, we locked the amputees for our cluster bomb victims.

There is no turning back.

Just focus on doing it here, it's gonna be great.

(FIRE BURNING)

-JOE: Thank you. -Thank you.

There's just not enough pain in the eyes.

That kid was actually a child soldier.

(GROANS) Well-- (SIGHS)

I just feel like he looks...

like...

you know...

-You know? -Okay.

(EXHALES)

Hmm.

-JOE: How you doing today? -Fine.

JOE: So, first, I'm just gonna have a look at you.

I want you to...

look me in the eye,

and...

I want you to think...

of the most painful experience that you've ever endured.

(SOUND WAVE INTENSIFIES)

(CHIRPING)

♪ (AFRICAN MUSIC FADES TO FOREGROUND) ♪

-♪ (MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) ♪ -Thank you.

♪ (FLUTTERING MUSIC BEGINS) ♪

He's the one.

(SIGHS OF RELIEF)

He's the one.

(CAUTIOUS CHUCKLING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

Hmm? Oh, sorry.

Hang on.

Sorry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTING)

CREWMEMBER: And your family moved away.

-Hey, sorry. -Yeah.

Uh, where are the-- Where are the Janjaweed?

These are the Janjaweed.

Yeah-- (SCOFFS)

No, the Janjaweed have horses.

They can't be on foot.

And they've got AR-15s, that's not accurate.

Yeah, but...

I mean, the Janjaweed are North Sudanese.

And the film takes place in the Congo, so--

That's beside the point. Remember what I told you?

We're using the concept of...

the Janjaweed as the antagonist?

Because it conjures up the big bad wolf

that so firmly planted itself into the consciousness

-of popular American culture? -Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

But...

what I'm saying is, unfortunately, our Janjaweed...

don't know how to ride our horses.

All of our stunt riders are white.

I mean, we could put some makeup on our stunt riders

and just use these guys in the close-- Oh. (STAMMERS)

-Yeah, use them in the closeups. -It-- It would be...

CASTING PRODUCER: ...star of casting from day one. I mean this--

-This was bound to happen. -MAN: This was a budgetary issue,

-then you should have raised it-- -What the fuck?

-You should have raised it weeks ago.

-CASTING PRODUCER: Joe, we're fucked. -Hey. Morale. What happened?

CASTING PRODUCER: There was... a misunderstanding.

He's not showing up.

What, today? I mean, we need him today.

His scenes are today, but...

We could push them a few days maybe,

but we're gonna lose half the...

He's not coming at all.

-Like, ever? -The fucking fuck fucked us.

-Here. -ACTOR: (OVER PHONE) Hey, what's up, man?

Um, I hate leaving voicemails, so I'ma keep it quick.

There's a misunderstanding, apparently.

I got the call sheet and all that...

the schedule and shit a couple days ago

for that script you had sent about the Navy SEAL,

and, um... um... I thought it was funny,

you going to fucking Kinko's and printing out

fake call sheets, that's adorable,

but in fact, you are not joking

about making a fucking white savior film.

It seems that you are indeed going to shoot this thing,

I just, um... (SIGHS)

I know we can't... we can't be friends anymore.

-So... What is your solution? -ACTOR: Good luck, buddy.

I don't really mean that.

-What did you have in mind? -ACTOR: Don already made

Hotel Rwanda and he killed it. Oscar noms, the whole deal.

We cut his character.

(SCOFFS)

-We can't do that. -It's... what we're doing.

No...

because then the whole movie is about my character,

and that is not the story that I set out to make,

and I am not making that movie.

-I know, I know it's a tough pill to swallow... -No, that is fucking bullshit.

It is. Come on.

-That is bullshit. -Lemme just talk to you for a second.

Just for a minute. A year from now...

♪ (AFRICAN SONG PLAYS FAINTLY) ♪

...you're sitting in the 11th row...

...of the Dolby Theater...

PRESENTER: (ECHOED) And here are the nominees for Best Picture.

...You hear your name called...

PRESENTER: (ECHOED) Valiant in the Light of Darkness

...and all of this will seem hilarious...

...because you'll have made this movie, and in doing so...

PRESENTER: (ECHOED) And the award for Best Picture goes to--

...it'll make the world a better place.

-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ -WOMAN: Are you listening to me?

Hmm? Yeah.

WOMAN: The kid doesn't want to wear a black tux.

Why, is there something wrong?

Well, he says, "When celebrating the life of the dead,

in my culture, we wear white."

I got a white bow tie in my top drawer.

-He can borrow that. -WOMAN: Won't work.

He says the black pants and jacket attracts...

-...demons and devils-- -(INDISTINCT DEMONIC VOICE)

That is mighty racist of you

to imply that an African child's spiritual practices are demonic.

-(SCOFFS) I didn't say that. -Yes, you--

-(KNOCKING ON GLASS) -(SLIDING DOOR OPENS)

We gotta talk. Alone, now.

Oh my God, your character. He's not dead.

No, no, no. I told Bob.

I'm not changing the end of the movie for the Blu-Ray.

-No. No, for God's sake... -He has to martyr himself.

-I'm not talking about the movie character. -There's no sequel.

-What? -I'm talking about the real guy.

The... the real guy?

PRODUCER: The guy in the video you showed me.

Stanley... What the fuck's his name?

Stanley... Wakenski! Stanley Wakenski.

-He's not dead. -Oh, no, no, no.

-He is dead. I saw it on Google. -Nope. He's alive on Google.

And he's alive in the criminal justice system of the Congo,

where he was recently arrested for raping African children.

African children, in a refugee camp

near the border of Burundi, my God.

Oh my God, this is so bad, we gotta get ahead of this.

We gotta get way ahead of this so if you win...

-(ECHOED AND DISTANT VOICE) -♪ (FLUTTERING MUSIC SLOWLY CRESCENDOS) ♪

-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ -Hey!

It's based... on a true story.

PRESENTER: And the award for Best Picture...

It's who we will be.

PRESENTER: ...goes to...

Not who we are.

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