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HOST: He returns now
to tell us about
the most incredible con man
he ever knew.
A blond-haired, blue-eyed negro
called White Folks.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS TIMIDLY)
-(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
You're not putting us on,
are you, Slim?
GUEST: No, that's--
that's, uh, that's factual.
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
(WAVES CRASHING)
Peace.
Used to be without a God.
-(TYPEWRITER CLANGS)
-Whoa.
(CLACKING CONTINUES)
MOTHER:
Yeah, I'm just really sick
of it all. I really-- you know.
Like, how dare they shame me,
shame us,
for putting a roof
over the child's head?
MATTY:
They're entertainment websites,
they don't mean anything, babe.
MOTHER:
I know, it just gets to me.
She's just a child.
What did you say
her new name is?
See? Matty, Jesus.
The name has to change.
-JOE: Really? I--
-I sent him the study
about how people
don't hire candidates
with black sounding names.
What people?
And who says that, that--
(WHISPERS) Solame sounds black?
Gatekeepers.
Okay, the gatekeepers. Right.
I say it sounds... African.
MOTHER: Matty,
it's fucking science,
get with the program.
-(WHISPERS) Do you have idea
-MOTHER: And you want to further
-what you sound like?
-disable her.
-Do you hear
what you sound like?
-Yes!
Like a concerned mother.
MATTY: Okay. Hey, okay.
We'll decide on another name.
Sorry,
it's new parenting stress.
It's fine. I totally get it.
You don't,
but that's nice of you to say.
I mean...
I feel like... making movies...
it's been like
birthing children.
Really?
JOE: I mean,
I'm in a process right now.
Don't listen to anything I say.
You're in the process?
Do you, uh--
You writing something?
-I am. Yes.
-MATTY: Ah.
So you'll be in it as well or?
-That's the plan.
-MATTY: Huh.
-Who will direct?
-Me, as well.
-(LAUGHS)
Wow, that's incredible.
How's it going?
What's it about? Tell us more.
♪ (FLUTTERING MUSIC
CRESCENDOS) ♪
-I... still... haven't--
-(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
MATTY:
Yeah, that just sort of happens.
I don't know this language.
It's not her mother tongue,
you know, comes out.
Our psychiatrist says it's PTSD.
From the war.
In Malawi or Madagascar?
-MOTHER: Malawi.
-MATTY: Malawi.
-(VOICES FADE)
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
♪ (AFRICAN SONG
FADES TO FOREGROUND) ♪
(GUNFIRE PLAYS ON COMPUTER)
(MEN CLAMORING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(REWINDING)
(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-(WIND BLOWING)
-(STATIC NOISE)
-(RUMBLING)
-(HORN BLOWING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING)
-JOE: I want to play him.
-PRODUCER: That's illegal.
-JOE: What?
PRODUCER:
You can't go full blackface.
I mean the whole Ramses thing
already, come on.
-You said that was a net win.
-Yeah, key word "net."
I mean,
there were losses suffered.
JOE: Not him.
(PRODUCER SIGHS)
-JOE: Him. In the background.
-Oh, God.
-PRODUCER: Who, that guy?
-JOE: Yeah, him.
-PRODUCER:
You can barely see him.
-JOE: I know.
But he's there.
PRODUCER: What is a guy
like that doing in a place
like that?
My thoughts exactly.
What is he doing there?
Why would he sacrifice so much?
-PRODUCER:
Bro, thing's like 40 pages.
-To help those--
I could be wrong, but I think
you need more than this--
Listen, I have researched
the guy, he's fascinating.
Ex-Navy SEAL decides to become
a missionary in Africa.
So...
JOE: The character sells itself.
Accept the package.
So, like a Zero Dark Continent
type of thing.
We can get France to pre-buy,
we only need like two million.
Yeah,
I hear it's pretty affordable
-to shoot in Africa.
-JOE: Until packaging.
-Especially right now.
-JOE: The potential for this...
is fucking unlimited.
Okay. All right.
It's not a bad idea,
but here's the thing.
The first thing you gotta do,
you gotta get somebody to play
your sidekick.
Your homie. Mm?
Kevin-- Jamie Foxx.
Naomi, what's up?!
Mahershala-- Denzel.
You never been to Africa?
Lakeith...
Stop talking for a second.
Chadwick, I mean,
what do I have to do here?
Okay.
Hey, is Jaden around?
I hear you, Lupita. (SIGHS)
What's happening with
black women in this country
right now, it's...
(SIGHS)
Uh, listen, before you go,
you have Octavia's number?
No, no, no. The white guy
in that was like...
-(ECHOES)
-Hey this is an important movie.
-This is not... bullshit.
-WOMAN: These are your...
-Actually-- Okay. Uh...
-orphans.
Hol-- Hold on,
I might have to call you back.
-WOMAN: These are the orphans.
-Oh.
(FLICKERING)
Well, these aren't gonna work.
(SIGHS)
We need... real orphans.
We need a real kid.
This is why we have to shoot
in the Congo.
Well, the producers say that
we can shoot in studio
-for the Congo.
-Those fuckin' suits.
And I can't... say I disagree.
JOE: The light.
The light is different.
It's the African sun
for Christ's sake.
It's like melanin,
natural light,
it's gonna be great,
it's different, it's better.
Listen, the ship has sailed.
-The tickets are booked.
-What?
PRODUCER: (OVER SPEAKER)
Let me reiterate,
we are going
to shoot Toronto.
A studio in Toronto
for Kinshasa, okay?
They have a huge population
of Somalis here
that can pass for Congolese.
Uh, we locked the amputees
for our cluster bomb victims.
There is no turning back.
Just focus on doing it here,
it's gonna be great.
(FIRE BURNING)
-JOE: Thank you.
-Thank you.
There's just not enough pain
in the eyes.
That kid was actually
a child soldier.
(GROANS) Well-- (SIGHS)
I just feel like he looks...
like...
you know...
-You know?
-Okay.
(EXHALES)
Hmm.
-JOE: How you doing today?
-Fine.
JOE: So, first, I'm just gonna
have a look at you.
I want you to...
look me in the eye,
and...
I want you to think...
of the most painful experience
that you've ever endured.
(SOUND WAVE INTENSIFIES)
(CHIRPING)
♪ (AFRICAN MUSIC
FADES TO FOREGROUND) ♪
-♪ (MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) ♪
-Thank you.
♪ (FLUTTERING MUSIC BEGINS) ♪
He's the one.
(SIGHS OF RELIEF)
He's the one.
(CAUTIOUS CHUCKLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)
Hmm? Oh, sorry.
Hang on.
Sorry.
(INDISTINCT CHATTING)
CREWMEMBER:
And your family moved away.
-Hey, sorry.
-Yeah.
Uh, where are the--
Where are the Janjaweed?
These are the Janjaweed.
Yeah-- (SCOFFS)
No, the Janjaweed have horses.
They can't be on foot.
And they've got AR-15s,
that's not accurate.
Yeah, but...
I mean, the Janjaweed
are North Sudanese.
And the film takes place
in the Congo, so--
That's beside the point.
Remember what I told you?
We're using the concept of...
the Janjaweed as the antagonist?
Because it conjures up
the big bad wolf
that so firmly planted itself
into the consciousness
-of popular American culture?
-Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
But...
what I'm saying is,
unfortunately, our Janjaweed...
don't know how to ride
our horses.
All of our stunt riders
are white.
I mean, we could put some makeup
on our stunt riders
and just use these guys
in the close-- Oh. (STAMMERS)
-Yeah, use them in the closeups.
-It-- It would be...
CASTING PRODUCER:
...star of casting from day one.
I mean this--
-This was bound to happen.
-MAN: This was
a budgetary issue,
-then you should have
raised it--
-What the fuck?
-You should have raised it
weeks ago.
-CASTING PRODUCER:
Joe, we're fucked.
-Hey. Morale. What happened?
CASTING PRODUCER:
There was... a misunderstanding.
He's not showing up.
What, today?
I mean, we need him today.
His scenes are today, but...
We could push them
a few days maybe,
but we're gonna lose half the...
He's not coming at all.
-Like, ever?
-The fucking fuck fucked us.
-Here.
-ACTOR: (OVER PHONE)
Hey, what's up, man?
Um, I hate leaving voicemails,
so I'ma keep it quick.
There's a misunderstanding,
apparently.
I got the call sheet
and all that...
the schedule and shit
a couple days ago
for that script you had sent
about the Navy SEAL,
and, um... um...
I thought it was funny,
you going to fucking Kinko's
and printing out
fake call sheets,
that's adorable,
but in fact,
you are not joking
about making
a fucking white savior film.
It seems that you are indeed
going to shoot this thing,
I just, um... (SIGHS)
I know we can't...
we can't be friends anymore.
-So... What is your solution?
-ACTOR: Good luck, buddy.
I don't really mean that.
-What did you have in mind?
-ACTOR: Don already made
Hotel Rwanda and he killed it.
Oscar noms, the whole deal.
We cut his character.
(SCOFFS)
-We can't do that.
-It's... what we're doing.
No...
because then the whole movie
is about my character,
and that is not the story
that I set out to make,
and I am not making that movie.
-I know, I know it's
a tough pill to swallow...
-No, that is fucking bullshit.
It is. Come on.
-That is bullshit.
-Lemme just talk to you
for a second.
Just for a minute.
A year from now...
♪ (AFRICAN SONG PLAYS FAINTLY) ♪
...you're sitting
in the 11th row...
...of the Dolby Theater...
PRESENTER: (ECHOED)
And here are the nominees
for Best Picture.
...You hear your name called...
PRESENTER: (ECHOED)
Valiant in the Light of Darkness
...and all of this
will seem hilarious...
...because you'll have made
this movie, and in doing so...
PRESENTER: (ECHOED)
And the award for Best Picture
goes to--
...it'll make the world
a better place.
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-WOMAN: Are you listening to me?
Hmm? Yeah.
WOMAN: The kid doesn't want
to wear a black tux.
Why, is there something wrong?
Well, he says, "When celebrating
the life of the dead,
in my culture, we wear white."
I got a white bow tie
in my top drawer.
-He can borrow that.
-WOMAN: Won't work.
He says the black pants
and jacket attracts...
-...demons and devils--
-(INDISTINCT DEMONIC VOICE)
That is mighty racist of you
to imply that an African child's
spiritual practices are demonic.
-(SCOFFS) I didn't say that.
-Yes, you--
-(KNOCKING ON GLASS)
-(SLIDING DOOR OPENS)
We gotta talk.
Alone, now.
Oh my God, your character.
He's not dead.
No, no, no. I told Bob.
I'm not changing the end
of the movie for the Blu-Ray.
-No. No, for God's sake...
-He has to martyr himself.
-I'm not talking about
the movie character.
-There's no sequel.
-What?
-I'm talking about the real guy.
The... the real guy?
PRODUCER: The guy in the video
you showed me.
Stanley...
What the fuck's his name?
Stanley... Wakenski!
Stanley Wakenski.
-He's not dead.
-Oh, no, no, no.
-He is dead. I saw it on Google.
-Nope. He's alive on Google.
And he's alive in the criminal
justice system of the Congo,
where he was recently arrested
for raping African children.
African children,
in a refugee camp
near the border of Burundi,
my God.
Oh my God, this is so bad,
we gotta get ahead of this.
We gotta get way ahead of this
so if you win...
-(ECHOED AND DISTANT VOICE)
-♪ (FLUTTERING MUSIC
SLOWLY CRESCENDOS) ♪
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-Hey!
It's based... on a true story.
PRESENTER: And the award
for Best Picture...
It's who we will be.
PRESENTER: ...goes to...
Not who we are.
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