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okay here we go thank you so much for
coming what an amazing turnout my name
is Leslie Knope I am the deputy director
of the Parks and Recreation Department
and tonight we're gonna be taking some
of your questions as well we're having a
meeting in here does anybody have any
questions about permits we don't need
palaces the ideas are what shine in our
meetings what are you some kind of
why don't you have hand dryers in the
park bathrooms there's so much more
sanitary than paper towels anyone knows
that my dog went to one of your parks
and ate another dog's feces and I'm
going to sue you for that you're holding
coffee with the government shutdown
who's gonna stop al-qaeda one thing at a
time
I don't like obscenities just as much as
you don't know how it drives me crazy I
have kids right fine I've got my little
three-year-old I'm going through the
park and someone's like hey Mike the
guys you my dad these people are members
of a community that care about where
they live so what I hear when I'm being
yelled at is people caring loudly at me
nutriyums energy bars are just
absolutely loaded with high-fructose
corn syrup and fatty oils and any way
you slice it they're just extremely
unhealthy for you Leslie needs to butt
out the whole point of this country is
if you want to eat garbage balloon up to
600 pounds and die of a heart attack at
43 you can you are free to do so to me
that's beautiful
any questions if sugars so bad how come
Jesus made it taste so good uh yes but
isn't all food bad for you I've been
eating lasagna and muffins every day of
my life for 40 years and I feel terrible
great what's so bad about corn syrup
it's natural
corns of fruit syrup comes from a bush
oh boy
how do we know you're really a nurse I
am I promise they work at st. Joe's well
the point is my friend thinks you're
cute
give me your number so he can have it
yeah that's not gonna happen can I have
your email address no I think we ought
to throw those bars out neat ham and
mayonnaise sandwich that's not a good
idea so that's what today's forum is for
we're gonna hear suggestions from
everyone and then whichever items we
generally agree on will go into the time
capsule
please remember this is a government
project so we need to refrain from
corporate promotion and religious items
who would like to start I think we
should put in the Bible great okay
anyone else yeah if we put a tax on soda
I mean what's next
income sir you don't pay your income tax
whether or not I pay income tax is none
of the government's business well no
actually it is well you don't know my
name or what I look like so good luck
finding me anyone else anyone this
gentleman wants to say something no I
don't come on Mel you're always up in
arms about something no I'm not not
always up in arms about something here
we go that's the spirit
talk to me about what's bothering it
okay are there any more recommendations
for new games at the Rec Center my
daughter she loves chutes and ladders oh
come on there is no strategy to chutes
and ladders it's just luck
my daughter's five well your daughter is
an idiot our daughter is an idiot her
daughter is an idiot our daughter isn't
it it's the only Park in our
neighborhood I mean where am i kids
supposed to play the rock quarry there's
rocks in there why don't we just set
fire to the fence you know set it ablaze
that's arson well let's leave that up to
the lawyers point is it would work why
don't we build a fence around their
fence why would give us two fences so if
they needed to get to their fence for
maintenance and whatnot
their pants might get caught let the
filibustering begin I would now like to
share some ideas I have for JJ Abrams
seventh chapter in the Star Wars saga
pan down from the twins
tons of tatooine we are now closed on
the mouth of the Sarlacc pit after a
beat the gloved Mandalorian armor
gauntlet of Boba Fett grabs onto the
sand outside the Sarlacc pit and the
feared bounty hunter pulls himself from
the maw of the sand Beast I think we
should tax all bad things like racism
and women's vaginas we're not taxing
anyone's genitals what the hell are we
doing here come on boys
Oh can everyone hear me okay okay great
I'm Councilwoman Leslie Knope and today
we are here to talk about safe sex I
know this is a personal question but how
many of you out there are sexually
active oh my I have two partners often
at the same time Wow
thank you does anyone know what we risk
when we have unprotected sex heart
attack yes
but the truth is the greatest risk you
face is sexually transmitted diseases
these old people really having sex with
each other yeah what do you think
they're doing best way to prevent them
is to use protection well that's all
fine and good but what if the banana is
soft and mushy and doglegs sharply to
the left if he holds the reality gem
that means he can jump from different
realities this will be our link to the
Marvel Universe from the Star Wars
universe all taxation is theft it's the
government can't tax me I can I can do
this Grover give that woman her purse
back there's a lot of pill bottles in
here okay imagine those two going up
against robot Chewbacca that's gonna
happen after a beat Luke says Darth
Vader was my father but Ben Kenobi was
my master and he cuts Hannibal Lecter in
half okay my name is Ron you don't need
to know my last name whoever wants to
talk go ahead and we'll be out of here
at 8:15
I found a sandwich in one of your parks
and I want to know why it didn't have
mayonnaise
what's so funny oh yeah I don't think
kids should be allowed on the playground
equipment okay we've been over this if
you're worried about swine flu use hand
sanitizer I'm not worried about swine
flu I already have the swine flu I'm
worried about the turtle flu turtle flu
turtle flu
turtle flu is this gonna be a topless
Park I don't think there are topless
parks well let's build the first one and
be heroes if this is going to be a
topless Park I won't sign your petition
if she's going to the topless Park I'm
not signing the topless Park petition
you know I take that back I'm still in
what's up I'm Harris yeah forget
whatever that Pawnee Commons is I'm with
that pervert topless Park topless Park
topless Park Park top pure piss of the
pawnee lerpiss family there was supposed
to be a paunch burger and this lot next
to my house and then you strip my
freedom by putting a park there now if I
wanna start my day off with a triple
decker pancake breakfast pizza I got a
little one that's ten minutes away and
that makes me 20 minutes late to work
every day I work at home have you ever
considered not eating that for breakfast
I'll never consider that school it out
in two weeks what am I going to do with
my kids all day keep them in my house
where I live
I think the slogan should be Pawnee home
of crackers the oranges goldfish in
Indiana
okie dokie no no write it down who even
needs a slogan well now that is an
interesting point no that's my slogan
idea who even needs a slogan and then a
big picture of me flipping everybody off
look we don't know what the world is
going to be like in 50 years we we could
all have been wiped out from disease or
the flu so what's your suggestion I
don't know I'm just scared my idea first
slogan is when you're here then you're
home well that's lovely actually how'd
it print it up so we could see what it
would look like oh you hmm
this that's that's spelled wrong that
should be thin th e em stay strong let
them work it out and trust
Larry trust Larry are you even listening
to yourself
I like that slogan Oh Lots but you made
a little mistake there she's gonna she's
gonna worry
right back off your wrist spelled wrong
it should be y ou you are coops I didn't
catch it thank you my grandmother lived
in Pawnee for 60 years and I want to put
her ashes in the time capsule
my cat turnip was the greatest cat ever
and I'd like to put his ashes in the
time capsule
for the last time and I won't say this
again there will be no human or feline
ashes in either one of the time capsules
except for turnip except for turnip no
chanting can we see the condom
demonstration again because I don't know
where Lou has been well I I wish I I
could but I I'll screw it okay here this
is a penis right you put a condom on it
and you'd pull the tip like this and you
roll it all the way down the penis tell
you what condoms for everybody
[Applause]
[Music]
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