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Hey.
I'm all packed and ready to go.
>> Oh.
>> That's right. Daddy and Uncle Joey are
going on a trip today. We're going to a
conference in Barbados.
>> Right?
>> Mhm.
>> Can you say Barbados?
>> Barbados.
>> [laughter]
>> Hey.
I got to say, it means so much to me
that you guys are coming all the way
over there to to hear me give my speech.
Oh, and I have a surprise.
I had to pull some strings, but I was
able to get everyone passes to the
entire conference. That's right.
>> [laughter]
>> These babies will get you into all the
paleontology lectures and seminars.
>> Do you have anything that will get us
out of them?
>> [clears throat]
[laughter]
>> Yeah, Ross. I mean, we're excited to
hear the speech, but the rest of the
time we're going to want to do, you
know, island stuff.
>> I think David will probably want to hear
a few lectures.
>> Oh, right. Because he's a scientist.
>> No, no. Well, because, you know, he's
been in Minsk for 8 years. And if he
gets too much direct sunlight, he'll
die.
>> Okay, [laughter] we better go. Yeah? Um,
so we'll see you guys tomorrow.
>> All right. Let's do it. 5-hour flight
with Charlie. Have a couple drinks. Get
under that blanket and do what comes
natural.
>> It's a blanket, Joe, not a cloak of
invisibility.
>> But he has ordered, I would like to
start the celebration and make a toast.
To Phoebe.
She dropped her sock.
>> Aw.
>> What?
>> [laughter]
>> No, Emma dropped her sock. Mom's here? I
wanted to have lunch with her today. She
told me she was out of town.
>> Ross, she still has not noticed that the
baby sock is on the ground.
>> It's a good toast.
>> [laughter]
>> Mom, will you please get her attention?
>> Oh, what?
>> Mommy.
>> [laughter]
>> Oh, for God's sake, Judy, PICK UP THE
SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK!
PICK UP THE SOCK!
I'M SORRY, WAS THAT RUDE?
>> UH, BYE.
>> BYE, HONEY.
>> What's the matter, Joe?
>> I'm mad at you for leaving.
You're
nothing but a big leaver.
Big leaver with a stupid suitcase.
>> [laughter]
>> Any chance you're trying to pick a fight
to make all of this easier?
>> Oh, do you see right through me?
>> [laughter]
[applause]
>> Hey, well,
bye, Mom.
Bye, Ross. Rachel.
Bye, Emma.
>> Okay, bye-bye.
Have a good trip.
Okay.
>> Malcolm.
Hey, can I borrow the Porsche?
>> Okay.
>> I'll wreck it.
>> But, uh,
what is it not?
>> A place to entertain my lady friends.
>> And what else is it not?
>> Place to eat spaghetti.
>> Very good.
>> Thanks.
>> What do you need it for, anyway?
>> Oh, well, the uh Powerball lottery is up
to 300 million, and they don't sell
tickets here in New York, so.
>> Oh, so you're driving up to Connecticut?
>> Yeah, Connecticut, not West Virginia.
>> [laughter]
>> Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there. I'd
like to buy some tickets myself. Yeah,
with Chandler not getting paid, we could
really use 300 million dollars.
>> Yes, because if I was at my old job,
we'd say, "300 million? No, thank you."
>> Hey, will you get me tickets, too?
>> Yeah, me, too.
>> Sure.
>> Oh, I have an idea. Why don't we all
pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money
together, and then if we win, we'll
split it.
>> Oh, that's that's a great idea.
>> No, thanks.
>> You don't want to win the lottery?
>> Uh sure I do. I also want to be king of
my own country and find out what
happened to Amelia Earhart.
>> [laughter]
>> Still on Amelia Earhart?
>> The woman just vanished.
>> Susie, Ross, you don't want in on this?
>> No. Do Do you know what your odds are of
winning the lottery? I mean, you have a
better chance of being struck by
lightning 42 times.
>> Yes, but there's six of us, so we'd only
have to get struck by lightning seven
times.
>> I like those odds.
>> [laughter]
>> Seriously, you guys, I can't believe
you're going to spend $250
on the lottery. I mean, that's such a
bunch of boo hockey.
>> I'll ask.
>> [laughter]
>> Boo hockey?
>> Oh, oh, we think Emma's about to start
talking, so we're trying to be careful
about what words we use in front of her.
>> Yeah, so get ready to hear a lot of uh
boo hockey, gosh darn it, and brother
pucker.
>> How do you know she's going to start
talking?
>> Well, when I talk to her, I almost feel
like she understands what I'm saying.
>> Kind of like Joey.
>> What's that now?
>> Joey is having a secret Days of Our
Lives party up on the roof, and he sent
you guys to the play to get rid of you.
>> What?
>> Wait, what's what's going on?
>> Joey is having a secret Days of Our
Lives party up on the roof. And and he
didn't want you guys to know about it,
but I came over here to tell you.
>> [laughter]
>> I thought you came to say you were sick.
>> All right, PROFESSOR OR DETECTIVE?
>> [laughter]
>> JOEY'S HAVING A PARTY and he wasn't
going to invite us?
>> Yeah, he does it every year. That's why
he's sending you to the play. That's why
he sent us to that medieval restaurant
and to that button factory, and that
that horrible museum tour?
>> No, I arranged that.
Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.
>> [laughter]
>> I know about your party, Joey.
>> What party?
>> The game's over. Take off your robe.
>> Okay, I mean
>> No!
>> [laughter]
>> NICE MEETING YOU.
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS. I WAS
JUST saying goodnight to Emma, and she
said her first words.
>> What?
What did she say?
>> She said gleeba.
>> [laughter]
>> MAKE ME RICH.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
>> OH YEAH, NO NO NO, that's that's great.
>> What? Why aren't you more excited?
>> Uh Rachel,
gleeba's not a word.
>> Well, of course it is.
>> Okay, uh what does it mean?
>> Well,
I don't know all the words.
>> Well, I'm just I'm just glad I didn't
miss my daughter's first word.
>> Well, yes you did. Gleeba is a word.
>> Okay, use it in a sentence.
>> Okay,
uh Emma just said gleeba.
>> [applause]
>> It's not a word.
>> Oh okay okay okay, fine. I'm going to
look it up.
>> Oh oh okay, great. You know what? While
you're at it, she said another word the
other day. Won't you Won't you look up
>> [laughter]
>> All right. Okay okay, gleeba. Gleeba
gleeba gleeba.
Oh, here it is. The fleshy spore-bearing
inner mass of a certain fungi.
>> [laughter]
>> She's going to be a scientist.
>> All I'm saying is I don't think that
Joey and Charlie have anything in
common.
>> I don't know. They seem to have a shared
interest in each other's tonsils.
>> Wow, Joey and a professor. Can you
imagine if they had kids? And if if the
kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw
sexual magnetism, those nerds would get
laid.
All right. So, Ross, you're okay with
all this? I mean
>> No, it's not a big deal. I mean, I just
met her. I'm fine with it.
Ugh, God, I forgot how hot she was.
>> [laughter]
>> I'm going to get some more coffee.
>> Hey.
Oh, you know, I'll I'll come with you.
>> Okay.
>> So, professor, huh?
>> Yeah, she is cool and she's so smart.
Her mind is totally acrimonious.
Except that's not how she is.
>> [laughter]
>> I feel like I owe you an explanation.
I don't ordinarily go around kissing
guys at parties.
I'm uh
Well, I'm kind of embarrassed.
I really hope you don't think less of
me.
>> No, think less of you? No, I don't think
less of you. I mean, you you saw someone
you liked and you kissed them. I mean,
those people who who like someone and
and don't kiss them, those those people
are stupid. I hate those people.
>> You know, actually, I'm a little
surprised at myself. I mean, Joey is so
different from the guys I usually date.
I mean, they're all professors,
intellectuals, paleontologists mostly.
You know, very cerebral.
>> the type.
Hey, if we want to grab a bite before
work, we better get acrimonious.
No?
Am I getting close?
We finally found a nanny. This is Molly.
Molly, Chandler, Joey.
>> Hi.
>> Hi.
>> Oh, somebody's getting a little fussy.
>> You're damn right I am. I've been
waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes.
>> Okay.
>> You know what? I'm just going to take
her outside.
>> No, you stay. I'll do it.
>> Okay.
>> Nice to meet you guys.
>> Yeah, you too. You too.
>> Uh-huh.
>> Oh, wow. Molly's just great.
>> Well, yes. Bravo on the hot nanny.
>> What? You really think she's hot?
>> Are you kidding? If I wasn't married,
she'd be rejecting me right now.
>> [laughter]
>> Joey?
>> How do you think she's doing?
>> Am I the only one that doesn't think
that she's hot, Ross?
>> I mean
I mean she's not unattractive, but but
hot, huh?
>> Thank you.
>> Now that Rachel's gone, so hot. I cried
myself to sleep last night.
>> [applause]
>> He sprang to his sleigh, to his team
gave a whistle, and away they all flew
like the down of a thistle. But I heard
him exclaim ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a
good night."
>> [laughter]
>> Wow.
That was great.
>> Mhm.
>> You really wrote that?
>> [laughter]
>> Uh-huh.
>> Say goodbye, elves. I'm off to Tulsa.
>> I can't believe you're not going to be
here for Christmas.
>> You're really not coming back?
>> Yeah, we have all this paperwork that
needs to be filed by the end of the
year. If I don't get it done, I'll be
fired.
>> It's so unfair. You don't even like your
job.
>> So, who does?
>> Oh, I like my job. I can't wait to go
back to work.
>> get enough dinosaurs.
>> [laughter]
>> I'm sorry I won't be here.
>> It's hard enough not seeing you during
the week, but for Christmas
and what this is what you have to do I
understand.
>> Thanks.
I'll see you New Year's Day.
>> You're not going to be here New Year's
Eve?
>> Did I not mention that?
>> No.
>> And you all a good night.
>> Chandler Bing.
>> Hi honey, we're all here. We just wanted
to wish you a Merry Christmas.
>> Merry Christmas.
>> [laughter]
>> AW, MERRY CHRISTMAS. I MISS YOU GUYS.
>> Was it horrible? Is everybody working
really hard?
>> Uh well, no. It's just uh me and Wendy.
>> Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
>> It is. Did I not tell you about her?
>> Mhm. Mhm. About the time you told me
about New Year's Eve.
Where's everybody else?
>> I sent them home.
>> Aw, you are such a good boss. Is she
pretty?
>> [laughter]
>> Uh uh answer faster. Answer faster.
I don't know. Answer better. Answer
better.
>> [laughter]
>> I don't think of her that way, you know.
I mean, she's a uh she's a colleague.
>> What does she do there?
>> Oh, she's regional vice president. She's
just below me.
>> SHE DID WHAT?
>> [laughter]
>> BELOW ME.
OH, WAIT. Is Wendy the runner-up Miss
Oklahoma?
>> What?
>> [laughter]
>> Well, she she didn't win.
>> All right. Well, maybe I should let you
and the second prettiest girl in
Oklahoma get back to work.
>> Well, second prettiest that year. I
mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma,
she's probably
>> Oh, Chandler, stop talking.
>> [laughter]
>> Honey,
there's really nothing to worry about.
>> Okay.
>> I'm serious.
>> Okay.
>> Merry Christmas.
>> Merry Christmas.
>> Merry Christmas, you guys.
>> Yeah, cuz I'm a bad person. Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
>> [laughter]
[snorts]
>> The wife says hi.
>> Ah, fun conversation.
>> Oh, well, she's just got this weird idea
that uh you know, just because you and I
are alone that something's going to
happen.
>> Huh? Really?
Huh.
Would that
be so terrible?
>> This is probably the wrong thing to be
worrying about,
but
you're getting ham on my only tie.
>> Hey.
>> Oh my god.
>> Hey.
>> OH MY
>> HEY.
LOOK AT THAT. IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
>> [laughter]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> I WANTED to be with you.
I missed you so much.
>> Hey, hey, uh who'd you miss the most?
>> Monica.
>> Got you.
>> [laughter]
>> I never want to leave you again.
>> But I thought if you left, you'd get
fired.
>> Turns out they can't fire me
because I quit.
>> What?
>> What? You You really quit your job?
>> Yeah. It's a stupid job, and I could not
stand leaving you. And why should I be
the only one who doesn't get to do what
he really wants to do?
>> Well, what do you really want to do?
>> I have not thought this through.
>> [laughter]
>> OH MY GOD.
>> I KNOW. I I should have talked to you
first about it.
>> No, I think that this is what you want
to do. I think it's great.
>> Thanks.
>> Chandler,
your being here is the best Christmas
present I could have ever imagined.
>> Aw.
>> Now, give me my real gift, too.
>> Happy birth
Oh, see later.
>> Hey, Rach,
somebody got you shoes. Oh, GIVE ME.
>> WOW.
>> OH MY
>> [screaming]
>> GOD.
>> OH,
THESE ARE MY RAT BABIES.
>> [laughter]
>> YEAH.
WE HAVE RAT BABIES NOW.
>> OH, you brought rats
to my birthday party?
>> So, this is what a stroke feels like.
>> [laughter]
>> I had to bring them. We killed their
mother. They're our responsibility now.
>> You know, they require constant care.
You should know that, Rachel. You're a
mother.
>> Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
>> No, seven rats.
>> [laughter]
>> I think we should take them home. We
need to feed them.
>> What? What? You're going to leave my
party to take care of a box of rats?
>> I'm sorry, Rachel, but I'm not like you,
okay? Not everyone can afford help.
>> [laughter]
>> Oh, hey. Thank god you guys are here.
>> What's what's going on?
>> Everything is upside down here. It rains
all day long, nobody watches TV, and
Ross is famous.
>> [laughter]
>> All right, I don't want to alarm
anybody,
but Monica's hair is twice as big as it
was when we landed.
>> [laughter]
>> Okay, when I go places with high
humidity, it gets a little extra body,
okay?
>> [laughter]
>> That's why our honeymoon photos look
like me and Diana Ross.
Come on, I'll show you guys where to
check in.
>> Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a
king-size bed?
>> Oh, David, get one for us, too. Oh, and
and see if they have a heart-shaped one.
And with mirrors on the ceiling.
>> [laughter]
>> And and make sure our room isn't next to
theirs.
>> I got a job in advertising.
>> OH,
HONEY, THAT'S INCREDIBLE. GOSH, what's
the pay like?
Oh, come on, people.
Come on now, if I don't know who makes
the most, how do I know who I like the
most? Hi Joey.
>> Well, actually it pays nothing. It's an
internship. Oh, that's cool. We have
interns at Days of Our Lives. Right, so
it'll be the same except less sex with
you.
>> So, what kind of stuff do you think
they'll have you do there?
>> Well, it's a training program, but at
the end they hire the people they like.
>> That's great.
>> Yeah, I mean there's probably going to
be some grunt work which will probably
stink, you know, grown man getting
people coffee is a little humiliating.
Humiliating and noble.
Thank you.
>> [laughter]
>> You know, if I didn't already have a
job, I I think I would have been really
good in advertising.
>> Ross, you did not come up with Got Milk.
>> Yes, I did. I did.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT DOWN.
>> I just wanted to let you know I've
changed my mind. I'm going to do it. I'm
going to kiss Joey.
>> No, you can't. Friends hooking up is a
bad idea.
>> Please, what about you and Chandler?
>> That's different. I was drunk and
stupid. Well, hello.
What about all the guys that you got the
phone numbers from? What
Why don't you just kiss one of them?
>> I could. I could, but I don't want to. I
want to kiss Joey.
>> All right. I think it's a big mistake,
but it's it's your decision.
>> I'm going to do it.
>> And I can't stop you. No.
>> [music and singing]
[music]
>> Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie
anywhere?
>> [music and singing]
>> I'm smarter than him.
>> You guys, just in case maybe a genie
will come out if we RUB THIS LAMP.
THAT THING GETS HOT.
>> YOU KNOW ROSS, just keep making your
jokes. How are you going to feel if we
actually do win?
>> Uh, you're not going to win.
>> Oh, I know. I know the odds are against
us, but somebody has to win and it could
be us. And then how you going to feel?
You know, we're going to be all like,
"Oh, everybody let's take our
helicopters up to the cave." And you're
going to And you're going to be all
like, "Oh, I can't guys. I have to meet
you up there. I got to gas up the
Hyundai."
>> [applause]
>> Okay, I've heard myself on tape and I
sound nothing like that.
>> [laughter]
>> I can see the headline now. Lottery
winner's friend filled with regret eats
own arm.
>> Why would I eat my own arm?
>> Well, you wouldn't, but we own the
paper. We can print whatever we want.
>> You know what Ross? I'm going to throw
in 50 bucks for you.
>> Why?
>> Because I know I know that you think
that the lottery is boo hockey.
>> [laughter]
>> But we're all here. We're going to watch
the numbers and have fun.
You're my brother and I want you to be a
part of this.
>> Well, you don't have to do that. I mean
I'll I'll pay for myself, but
just the fact that you want me to have
fun with you guys. That's so sweet. Come
here.
>> Get a room.
>> You sang Baby Got Back, didn't you?
>> If nothing else works, that girl is all
about the ass.
>> She sweat? Wet? Got to go on like a
turbo vet.
>> Fellas.
>> Yeah.
>> Fellas.
>> Yeah.
>> Has your girlfriend GOT THE BUTT?
>> HELL YEAH.
>> THEN SHAKE IT.
>> Shake it.
>> Shake it.
>> SHAKE IT.
>> SHAKE that nasty butt.
>> [laughter]
>> Baby got back.
>> One more time from the top. I like big
BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE.
>> [laughter]
>> RACHEL, PLEASE. That is so
inappropriate.
>> [music]
>> Ah, isn't this nice?
So quiet. I could just lie here all day.
>> Oh, I know.
Open your drapes. Open your drapes.
>> So glad we got a joining rooms.
>> The sun IS OUT.
>> HEY, remember when I had Cornelius?
>> Okay, listen. [laughter] You go down to
the pool and reserve the chairs and I'll
get the magazines and the lotion.
>> Uh ladies, Ross the speech is IN 45
MINUTES.
>> NO!
>> [laughter]
>> WALLS ARE PRETTY THIN, GUYS.
>> [music]
>> Then we have to weigh the data from
recent MRI scans and DNA testing,
which call into question information
gathered from years of simple carbon
dating.
>> Look at that woman sitting out by the
pool getting tan.
So leathery and wrinkled. I'M SO
JEALOUS.
>> FINALLY, FACTOR IN THE profusion of new
species recently discovered,
Gigantosaurous,
Argentinasaurus,
>> not to mention coldsaurus.
>> [laughter]
>> And that's just the herbivores. I'm not
even going to discuss the carnivores.
Their heads are already too big, which
is ironic considering their stunted
cerebral development.
>> [laughter]
>> REALLY?
>> [laughter]
[music]
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