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Oh, here it is. Oh, Joey, why did you
sign it? Son of a
[laughter]
>> I didn't do that. Who would have done
that?
>> Son of a
>> Okay, maybe ask this guy. [laughter]
>> You get out of MY SHOP.
>> WHAT? WHAT DID HE DO?
>> He went out with my wife,
>> Joey.
I Hey, I did not go out with your wife.
Okay. I I went out WITH HER.
>> THAT'S MY WIFE.
GET OUT.
>> We should go.
>> Joey's having a party and he wasn't
going to invite us. Yeah, he does it
every year. That's why he's sending you
to the play. That's why he sent us to
that medieval restaurant and to that
button factory and that that horrible
museum tour.
>> No, I arranged that.
>> Hey, you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.
>> [laughter]
>> We know about your party, Joey.
>> What party?
>> The game's over. Take off your robe.
>> Very. I mean,
>> NO.
>> LISTEN, UH, you guys think I have a
chance with Janine?
>> Well, honey, we have been through this
before.
>> Yeah. Don't do this to yourself. She
made it pretty clear it is not going to
happen.
>> Well, all right then. I guess I
shouldn't get too excited about the fact
that I JUST KISSED HER.
>> SEE, THAT'S RIGHT. REALLY?
>> YEAH. WELL, we'll see.
>> You kissed her?
>> Oh, we kissed it up real nice.
>> So, you kissed her. So, what happened
after that?
>> I came over here to tell you guys.
>> So, she's just waiting over there for
you.
Well, is everybody else having just the
best time? Shh, Joey's asleep.
After he passed out, we put the sand
around him to keep him warm.
Well, I assume the uh happy couple isn't
up yet. Did you guys hear them last
night?
>> Oh, yeah. I don't know what they were
doing, but at one point, sea turtles
actually came up to the house.
>> Good morning.
>> Hey. How'd everybody sleep?
>> Oh, great.
>> Like a lo. [laughter] Us, too.
>> We're going for a walk.
Good morning.
>> Nice breast, by the way. [laughter]
[laughter]
>> Typical New York City apartment. Two
girls are just hanging out.
[laughter]
>> Hi. How are you doing, Kelly?
>> I'm doing just fine. God, Tiffany, you
smell so great.
>> [laughter]
>> It's my new perfume. Why don't you come
closer where you can really appreciate
it?
>> Oh, you know, Joey, you are sick.
>> This is disgusting.
>> Wait, wait, wait. The handsome MAN WAS
ABOUT TO ENTER.
>> FINE. OKAY, FINE. But I got to say,
technically, I didn't even do anything
wrong.
>> What? You You didn't do anything wrong.
I I said I didn't technically.
Okay. Well, let's put aside the fact
that you accidentally picked up my
grandmother's ring and you accidentally
proposed to Rachel.
>> Can I just stop you right there for a
second? When people do this, I don't
really know what that means.
[laughter]
>> You saying?
>> And I can even understand that you
couldn't tell Rachel, but why couldn't
you tell me? Huh? You had all day to and
you didn't.
>> I know. I should have.
>> I'm sorry.
[laughter]
>> Not using it right. Joe,
[laughter]
>> I'm going to go.
>> No. Come on. Look, Ross. We have to get
past this.
>> Give me the bag.
>> No. Look, I I don't know what else to
do. I said I'm sorry. Now, you should
scream at me or or or curse me or hit
me.
>> I'm not going to hit you.
>> Why not? You'll feel better. I'll feel
better. And you know you want to. I can
see it in your eyes. [laughter]
>> No, I don't.
>> A little bit.
>> No.
>> Little bit.
>> No.
>> Little bit more.
>> No. Hit me.
>> Give me the back.
>> Hit me, Joey. Give me the back.
>> Hit me, Joe. I'm not kidding. Hit me.
Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
>> [laughter]
[cheering]
>> YOU DUCKED.
>> I'M SORRY. IT WAS A REFLEX.
>> Oh my god. THIS THIS REALLY HURTS.
>> I COULDN'T help it. When a fist comes at
your face, you duck. Look.
>> What is THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO DUCK. WHY DIDN'T YOU DUCK?
WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT this on the way
to the hospital?
>> Good. Good. Yeah. Maybe while we're
there, they can check your reflexes.
>> I broke my thumb. Your thumb?
>> That's weird. Are you sure you're
punching right? Make Make a fist.
Maybe later.
Ross, I feel terrible.
>> You know what? You can go. I just have
to fill out some forms.
You uh you want you want me to help you
with that?
>> Why does it look like I'm having trouble
with my misshapen claw?
>> Name?
[laughter]
No, I know Ross, but what's it short
for? You know, like like Russell
or or Rostifer.
[laughter]
That's Ross.
It's pretty.
>> Okay. Date of birth.
>> You know my birthday?
>> Sure.
>> Maymber
October 18th.
>> Occupation? Dinosaurs.
>> Actually, I'm a pale.
Dinosaurs is fine. [laughter]
The drawing is not.
Come on. I overslept. I was supposed to
be ON THE SET HALF AN HOUR AGO. I GOT TO
GET OUT OF HERE.
>> OH, WHAT? JOEY, you can't go like that.
You stink.
>> Look, I don't I fell asleep before I
could take a shower. Now I don't have
time. They're just 10 blocks away. If I
run, I can make it.
>> Yeah, run 10 blocks. That'll help THE
SMELL.
>> HEY, SLOW DOWN. NO, keep moving.
>> Hey. Hey.
>> Hey.
>> And this from the cry for health
department. Are you wearing makeup?
Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially
Joey Tribani, actor/mod.
Thank you.
>> That's so funny cuz I was thinking you
look more like Joey Tribani man/woman.
>> What were you modeling for?
>> Well, you know those posters for the
city free clinic?
>> Oh, wow. So, you're going to be one of
those healthy healthy healthy guys?
>> You know, the asthma guy's really cute.
>> Do you know which one you're going to
be? No, no, but I hear Lyme disease is
open, so you know.
>> Good luck, man. I hope you get it.
Thanks.
>> Is that a blanket? A video camera? Oh my
god.
>> I can't believe you thought that YOU
WERE GOING TO VIDEOTAPE US HAVING SEX on
the first date.
[laughter]
Joey is what she just said. Um,
oh my god. God, look. You are actually
going to [laughter]
>> What is going on here?
>> And with Chandler in the next room. What
are you What are you sick?
[laughter]
>> I'm Joey.
I'm disgusting.
>> I make low-budget adult films.
[music] You guys promised you'd be more
careful. I mean, come on. The good Joey
name is being dragged through the mud
here.
>> We're so sorry.
>> Yeah.
>> Well, I'm telling everyone about you.
That's the only way to explain the
underwear and the video camera that
doesn't make me look like a pig. I don't
know. All right. There's got to be a
better explanation. You could tell them
that you had to make an adult film for
your adult film class.
[laughter]
>> Yeah, I like that. But no, no. How does
that explain why Rachel found my
underwear at your place?
>> I don't know. Well, get ready to come
out of the non-gay closet.
[laughter]
>> [laughter]
>> See, Joe, that's why your parents told
you not to jump on the bed.
[laughter]
>> Hey. Hey.
>> Oh, is it broken?
>> No. I'm going to wear this thing for a
couple of weeks.
>> Did you tell the doctor you did it
jumping up and down on your bed?
>> No. Had a whole story worked out, but
then uh Chandler sold me out.
>> Well, I'm sorry, Joe. I didn't think the
doctor was going to buy that. just fell
out of the socket.
>> Hi guys.
>> Hey.
>> Oh, what's in the bag?
>> Oh. Uh, well, you know how Emma started
crawling? I realized that this place is
very unsafe for a baby. So, I went to
the store and I got some stuff to baby
proof the apartment.
>> Oh god. Baby proofing. Why is this such
a big deal now? You know, when I was a
kid, it was like, "Whoops, Joey fell
down the stairs." Or, "Uh, whoops, Joey
electrocuted himself again.
>> [laughter]
>> Anyway, um, are you going to get a
handyman to install this stuff?
>> No, I was just going to do it myself.
[laughter]
>> You're going to do it?
>> Yeah. Why? You don't think a woman can
do this?
>> Well, women can't. You can't.
>> Monica, will you please tell Joey that
he is a pig?
>> You're a pig and you can't do this.
>> What? What? Come on. I found the
hardware store all by myself.
>> The hardware store is right down the
street.
>> There is a hardware store right down the
street.
[music]
>> Hi. So, you gave in and decided to call
someone?
>> Yeah. I don't know who I was kidding. I
can barely use chopsticks.
>> You're all set.
>> Oh, thank you so much. Oh. Oh, wait. You
uh forgot your um your game.
Thank you. [laughter]
>> [music]
[laughter]
>> Ra.
[laughter]
Rachel, [laughter]
[laughter]
so I can't do anything I like.
I did it. I can't.
All right.
I better take all I can carry.
[laughter]
Who knows when I'll be able to get in
here again, huh?
>> Ross, listen. You want anything to drink
cuz I'm heading up there.
>> Uh, yeah. I'll take a coffee. Thanks,
man. Sure. Coffee?
>> Yeah.
>> Coffee? Cuz I'm going up there.
>> Oh, no. Thank you. [laughter]
>> Do you guys need anything? Cuz I'm
heading up there.
I'd love a ice water.
>> You got it. [laughter]
>> Joey, what are you doing?
>> Just being friendly.
>> Joey, honey, I don't think you're
supposed to go back there.
>> No, no, it's okay. Right, Gunther?
>> Don't wink at me.
>> Put on your apron. [laughter]
>> Okay. I don't see you asking any other
paying customers to put on aprons.
[laughter]
>> Joey, do you work here?
>> No.
>> Waiter.
>> Yeah.
>> Joey, what's going on? Why didn't you
tell us you work here?
>> Well, that
that's kind of embarrassing, you know? I
mean, I was an actor. Now I'm a waiter
supposed to go in the other direction.
So's your apron. You're wearing it like
a cape.
>> I mean, the job's easy and the money's
good, you know, and I guess if I'm going
to be hanging out here anyway, I might
as well get paid for it, right? Just
feel kind of weird serving you guys, you
know?
>> Joey, come on. I did it and it was fine.
>> Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey.
Uh, can I get some coffee?
>> Okay, I guess it doesn't seem that
weird.
>> Seriously, I I asked you before. You
still haven't gotten it.
>> Now it's weird again.
>> I think it's great that you work here.
You're going to make a lot of money. And
here is your first tip.
Don't eat yellow snow. [laughter]
215 coffee house.
>> What are you working on?
>> Oh, it's a uh it's a welcome home sign
for the baby.
>> How sweet. Oh, is that the baby?
>> No, I sat in a paint.
Hey, so did you talk to Rachel?
>> No. And uh I'm not going to.
>> What?
>> Why not? Because she's just going to
shoot me down. You guys saw what
happened with Gunther. That did not look
like fun.
>> How can you compare yourself to Gunther?
I mean, sure, he's sexy in a more
obvious way. [laughter] But
you have a relationship with her. You
slept together last night.
>> Yeah. And she still wants to go. It's
pretty clear where she is. Yeah, I know
what you mean. I mean, sometimes.
>> Uh, Joe.
>> Damn it.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. How's it going? Did you make any
new friends?
>> Yeah. Yeah. I met this woman.
>> Hey, Mom. Whoa. What's she like?
>> Uh, well, she's really good in bed.
>> I thought you going to try to be friends
first.
>> Well, look. Hey, it's all your fault.
>> What? Why?
>> Because you didn't give me advice. No,
you gave me a pickup line. As soon as I
told her I wanted to, you know, build a
foundation and be friends first, I
suddenly, through no fault of my own,
became irresistible to her
and a roommate.
[laughter]
>> What about the closeness?
>> Closeness? There was three of us for
crying out loud.
>> What just happened?
>> I am so so sorry. I was going to do it
really. But then I was standing there
with $327 in one hand and $238 in the
other hand. And I was thinking, "Wow,
it's been a long time since I had
327 plus $238."
>> Joey, we had a deal that that's why
you're here. I've got to fire you.
>> And I got to pay rent.
Look,
how how about this? You don't fire me.
Instead, I stay here. I gain their trust
and then they'll start listening to all
the nice things I've been saying about
you.
>> Kind of things you've been saying.
>> Well, nothing yet. They really hate you
and I want to fit in.
>> Agent has just gotten me a job in the
new Alpuccino movie.
>> I love the part.
>> Can you believe this? Al Pacino. This
guy's the reason I became an actor. I'm
out of order. P. You're out of order.
This whole courtroom's out of order.
>> [laughter]
>> Seriously, what? What's the part?
>> Just when I thought I was out, they pull
me back in. [laughter] Come on.
Seriously, Joey, what's the part? Uh,
>> you're you're his what? [laughter]
>> I'm his butt double. Okay.
[laughter] I play Al Puccini's butt.
All right. He goes into the shower and
then I'm his butt. [laughter]
>> Oh my god.
>> Come on, you guys. This is a real movie
and Alpuccino's in it. And that's big.
>> Oh, no. It's terrific. It's It's You
know, you deserve this. After all your
years of struggling, you've finally been
able to crack your way into [laughter]
Listen, I just want to thank you for
this great opportunity.
>> Lose the rope
with me. That would work,
>> right? Okay. Losing the robe.
>> Okay. And the robe is lost.
>> Okay, everybody. I would like to get
this in one take, please. Let's roll it.
Water's working.
And action.
And cut. Hey, butt guy. What the hell
you doing?
[laughter]
>> I'm I'm chowing.
>> No, that was clenching.
Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset
here, you know? I mean, his wife's dead,
his brother's missing. I think his butt
would be angry here.
I think his butt would like to get the
shot before lunch. [laughter] Once
again, rolling. Water working.
And action.
And cut. What was that?
I was going for quiet desperation,
>> but if you have to ask.
Hey.
>> Hey.
>> Hey. Wait a minute. Aren't you the guy
who plays the butt in the new Alpuccino
movie?
[laughter]
>> Nope.
>> No. What happened, big guy?
>> Big guy?
>> It felt like a big guy moment.
>> I got fired.
>> Oh,
>> yeah. They said I acted too much with
it.
>> Hey Ra, how you doing with the shiny?
>> Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
>> Ooh, the next part's the best when that
dead lady in the bathtub.
>> Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come
on. You're going to ruin it.
>> All right, I'll talk in code. Remember
when the kid sees those two blanks in
the hallway?
>> That's very cool.
>> All blank and no blank makes blank a
blank blank.
>> [laughter]
>> Oh, no, no, no. The end when Jack almost
kills them all with that blank, but then
in the last second they get away.
>> Joey, I can't believe you just did that.
>> I can't believe she cracked your code.
>> All right. Okay. Lori proposes to Joe
and she says no, even though she's still
in love with him. And then he ends up
marrying Amy.
Hey, mine was by accident.
All right. The boiler explodes and
destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
>> Beth dies.
[cheering]
>> Beth [laughter]
Beth dies.
Is that true? If I keep reading, is Beth
going to die?
>> No. Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die.
Does she, Rachel?
>> What?
>> Joey's asking if you've just ruined the
first book he's ever loved that didn't
star Jack Nicholson.
>> Say, Joe, I had a strange idea for what
we could do for our last night. What do
you say we play a little uh foosball for
money?
>> Are you crazy? You haven't beaten me
once since my injury plague 97 season.
Be easier if you just give me your
money.
>> Yes, it would.
What do you say to $50?
>> Okay, you're on.
>> Yes,
>> I win again. That's like 500 bucks you
owe me. Woohoo.
$500. That is a lot of electricity.
Yeah.
I got to buy some food. [laughter]
>> Okay. Give me a chance to win my money
back. Okay. Sudden death. One goal.
$1,000.
>> You serious?
>> Oh, yes.
>> Okay. Get ready to owe me.
>> Okay. Okay. Here we go. Ready?
[music]
>> [laughter]
[music]
>> No, no, no, no, no,
>> no, no. One can beat me.
>> See, now that's why only the little fake
men are supposed to do the kicking.
>> [laughter]
>> We can play a new game. A new game. It's
fun.
>> Well, what's it called?
>> Cups.
>> I don't know how to play cup.
>> I'll teach you. Come on. Come on. It's
really easy. Really, really fun.
>> All right.
>> Okay. Here you go.
>> I have two queens. What do you have?
>> A two and a five.
>> You win $50. [laughter]
>> Really?
>> Oh, yeah. Okay, let's play again. Ready?
What do you got?
>> Four and a nine.
>> You're kidding, right?
[laughter]
>> No. Why?
>> Well, that's a full cup.
>> You win. Oh, what did you have? Well, it
doesn't matter. Nothing beats a three
and a six.
That, my friend, is decup.
>> Okay. Now, how much have you won so far?
Uh,
>> wow. 700.
>> Not 700 exactly. Yeah.
Double it.
>> Yes. See, in cups, once you get $700,
you have to double it. [laughter]
Hey, I didn't make up the rules.
Okay. So, now after you receive the
doubling bonus, you get uh one card.
Now, that one card could be worth $100,
which brings your total to $1,500. No,
no, don't get too excited because that's
not going to happen unless you get the
No way.
What's wrong?
>> Ross and I were helping the girls pack.
Took a little break. I lost $1,500 to
him at Cops. [laughter]
What? How did you lose at Cops? The same
way you lost. I start out with the king
and a queen. Bam. Ross gets a two and a
three. [laughter] Then I get a jack and
a king. Boom. Ross, it's a four and a
five. Maybe Ross was getting the the cup
card, the the D cup, the the sitting
down bonus. Meanwhile, I didn't even get
A HALF A CUP. NOTHING. [laughter]
>> OH, MAN.
>> Where's Chandler?
>> Uh, he can't make it. He said he had to
go back to his uh job and do uh Whoa.
[laughter]
>> Joey.
Joey. Tribani.
[laughter]
>> Joey, I can see you. Okay. You're hiding
behind the coats.
Close
[laughter]
one.
>> Is uh is Chandler around?
>> No. Um he met some girl at the coffee
house.
>> Yeah. Ginger or something?
>> No.
>> No. No. Uh are you sure it wasn't
something that sounded like ginger? Like
uh ginger?
No, it was Ginger. I remember because
when he told me I said the movie star.
>> Oh man, that's the girl I was hiding
from. When she finds out he's my
roommate, she's going to tell him what I
did.
>> Well, what did you do?
>> Oh. Oh. Oh, no. No. I can't
I can't tell you that. It's like the
most awful, horrible thing I've ever
done in my whole life.
>> You know what? Don't tell us. We'll just
wait till Trainer gets home because
it'll be more fun that way.
>> All right.
Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay,
Jinger and I had gone out a few times
and then this one weekend we went up to
her dad's cabin. Just me, her, and her
annoying little dog, Pepper. Well, that
night, I cooked this really romantic
dinner.
>> You gave her food poisoning.
>> I wish [laughter]
after dinner, me, her, and Pepper all
fell asleep in front of the fire. Well,
I woke up in the middle of the night and
I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I
picked up a log and threw it on.
Or at least what I thought was a log.
>> Oh my god, you threw pepper on the fire.
>> I wish.
[laughter]
See, I guess another thing I probably
should have told you about Ginger is
that she kind of has a uh
artificial leg.
>> [laughter]
>> Oh my god,
>> Joey. What did you do after you threw
her leg on the fire?
>> I ran.
>> Really? A purse?
>> It's not a purse. It's a shoulder bag.
>> Looks like a woman's purse.
>> No, Joey. Look, trust me. I'm telling
all the men are carrying them in the
spring catalog. Okay.
>> See, look. Men carrying the bag.
>> See? Look. Women carrying the bag.
>> But it is odd how a woman's purse looks
so good on me. A man.
>> Exactly. Unisex.
>> Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple
days ago.
Oh no, Joey. You and I sex.
>> Well, I ain't going to say no to that.
[laughter]
>> Hey. Hey.
>> Wow, you look just like your son, Mrs.
Tribani.
>> What are you referring to? my man's bag.
[laughter]
At first, I thought it just looked good,
but it's practical, too. Check it out.
It's got compartments for all your
stuff. Your wallet, your keys, your
address book, your makeup.
[laughter]
>> Joey, what are you doing with the bag?
Your audition's not till tomorrow.
>> Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.
>> Joey, you know, you get any mustard on
that bag, you can't return it.
>> Why would I return this? I love this
bag.
>> All right. Well, then you owe me $350.
Fine. Do you take Vasa or Mooster Card,
>> Joey?
>> All right, relax. Look, I'll pay you
with the money from the acting job I am
definitely going to get thanks to you.
>> What's the part? Auntie Mame. [laughter]
>> Don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.
>> You and I sexy.
>> Hey, I'm off to my audition. How do I
look?
I think you look great, Joey. That bag
is going to get you that part.
>> And a date with a man. [laughter]
>> You know what? Make fun all you want.
This is a great bag, okay? And it's as
handy as it is becoming.
Now, just because you don't understand
something doesn't make it wrong. All
right? So, from now on, you guys are
going to have to get used to the fact
that Joey comes with a bag.
>> Ready, Joey?
[clears throat] Well, you must be new
here. Maybe we get a table. I'd buy you
a drink.
>> I'm sorry. Could you Could you try it
without the purse?
[laughter]
>> Yeah, sure.
[snorts]
[clears throat]
>> Well, you must be new here. Maybe we
sit. I'm sorry. Can I ask you something?
>> Sure. What?
>> Well, first, it's not a purse.
Okay. Anytime. I mean, if if you're
thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not.
It's a man's bag. [laughter]
Okay. And go.
I Let me show you the catalog.
Look. See? Huh? It's the latest thing.
Everyone's got one. Men, women,
children, everyone's carrying them. Um,
do you sell these bags?
>> Oh, no, no, no, no, no. These babies
sell themselves.
Okay. Thank you. That was great.
>> Yeah, but I didn't even read anything.
>> I think we've seen enough.
>> Okay. All right. I'll see it. We got it.
We got it.
>> Yeah. So, you going to call this one
back?
>> No.
>> But what are you talking about? Sarah's
great.
>> Oh, really? You want to know what your
great friend did?
>> We were out to dinner. Okay. We were
getting along, having a really nice
time. I was thinking she was really
cool. And then out of nowhere.
[music]
[laughter]
[music]
That's it. That That's why you won't go
out with her again. So, she took some
fries. Big deal.
>> Hey. Hey, look. It's not about a few
fries. It's about what the fries
represent.
>> What?
>> All food.
>> Well, I'm I'm sorry. I I I can't believe
I set you up with such a monster.
>> Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. [laughter]
Look, I take a girl out, she can order
whatever she wants. The more the better.
All right. Just don't order a garden
salad and then eat my food.
That's a good way to lose some fingers.
Oh, thank god you're here. Listen to
this.
>> So Joey and my friend are out last
night. They're having dinner and she
reaches over and takes a few of his
fries.
>> Oh, no.
>> What?
You you know about the the the plate
thing?
>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, Joey doesn't share
food. I mean, just just last week, we
were having breakfast and and he had a
couple of grapes on his plate.
>> You wouldn't let her have a grape?
>> Oh, no. Not me, Emma.
JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD.
[laughter]
>> WELL, I still think that is a stupid
reason not to call someone again. You
are calling her. Okay. And if if you
need to, then just get an extra plate of
fries for the table.
I like that. A sharing buffer. Yeah.
Yeah. I'll order some extra fries, maybe
a plate of onion rings. Yeah. Yeah. And
a shrimp cocktail.
>> But I I I can't stay too long. I got to
get up early for a commercial audition
tomorrow and I got to look good.
Supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
[laughter]
>> What? So, when you said get up early,
did you mean 1986?
>> You guys don't think I look 19?
>> [laughter]
>> Oh, 19. We thought you said 90.
[laughter]
>> Okay, everybody, LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
>> OKAY.
[laughter]
[laughter]
>> SUP. [laughter]
What's up, dude? [laughter]
>> Take whatever you want. Just please
don't hurt me.
>> It's like playing a little PlayStation,
huh?
That's whack. [laughter]
PlayStation
is whack. [laughter]
Sup with the whack PlayStation sump.
[laughter]
Huh?
Come on. Am I 19 or what? [laughter]
>> Yes. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being
the dumbest a person can look, you are
definitely 19.
>> Come on, man. Really? How old?
>> Young. You're a manchild. Okay. Now, go
get changed because everybody's ready.
And please Oh, please keep my underwear.
>> Oh, thanks.
>> Okay, [laughter]
now I can pass for 19, right?
>> Yes, you can pass for 19.
>> Really?
>> Yes. Seriously? Seriously? Seriously?
No. Okay. You can play your own age,
which is 31.
[laughter]
I'm 30.
>> Joey, you are not. You're 31.
>> Oh crap.
Hey. Hey.
So, what happened? Did a forest tick you
off?
>> No. You know how we're always saying we
need a place for the mail?
[laughter]
>> Yeah.
>> Well, I started building one, but then I
decided to take it to the next step.
>> You're building a post office?
>> No, an entertainment unit with a mail
cubby built right in. It's a one day
job, Max.
>> Okay.
My word, those are snug.
Oh yeah, this is my old work pants.
Sergio Valente.
[laughter]
>> Power saw kind of got away from me
there. [laughter]
Oh, sorry. Did I get you?
>> No, you didn't get me. It's an electric
drill. You get me, you kill me.
[laughter]
>> Calm down. Do you want this unit or not?
>> I do not want this unit.
>> Oh, you should have told me that before.
Not a mind reader. [laughter]
>> Hey, we're out of beer. Okay, I'm going
to Monica.
>> Fine.
You seen Joey?
>> What's the matter?
>> Oh, just this.
>> You know what? It's my fault, really,
because the couch is where we usually
keep the varnish.
>> Hey, somebody want to hand me one of
those tiles?
>> What's going on?
>> He's retiling my floor.
You spackle boy,
>> get up. Ah,
>> now you started this. You will finish
it.
>> He started mine first.
>> Build the unit, Cinderelli. Lay the
tile, Cinderelli.
[laughter]
>> Okay, on three. One, two. Why don't we
just go on two?
>> Why two? Because it's faster. Yo, I
could have counted to three like four
times without all this two talk. All
right. But in THE FUTURE,
>> OKAY, HEAVY THING NOT getting lighter.
>> Okay.
>> One, two.
>> So, we are going with two.
>> All right.
[laughter]
>> Well, good job, Joe.
[laughter]
>> Wow.
It's big.
Yeah. Yeah. So big that it actually
makes our doors look smaller.
Maybe my ruler's wrong.
>> Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Look,
>> it's not that bad. So what? It blocks a
little of your door, a little of my
door.
>> Yeah. You know what? I got a better
idea. How How about it blocks none of my
door and a lot of your door?
[laughter]
Listen, before I forget, that side is
still wet.
>> You know what?
Bet you I could fit in there.
I get five bucks as you can
>> get out your checkbook, mister.
>> Well, I think I have the cash.
[laughter]
>> You are dog, man.
>> I totally fit.
>> Yeah, you got me. I'm at five big ones.
>> [laughter]
>> There you go.
>> Thank you. Cha-ching.
>> Oh, well, hello, Mr. Lincoln. [laughter]
Better luck next time, buddy.
And the drinks are on me.
>> What am I sitting on?
>> Top of the world. Dock of the Bay.
[laughter]
I'm out.
Oh, wings. Oh,
>> all right. Who's are they?
>> Who's are they?
>> Not mine.
>> Well, they're Joey's. They got to be
Joey's.
[laughter]
>> Yeah, they're mine.
>> See? Joy's. They're Joey. Joy's.
>> Why are they here?
>> I don't know. Uh,
I'm Joey.
Yeah, I'm disgusting. I take my
underwear off in other people's homes.
>> Well, get him out of here. What's wrong
with you?
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Take them.
>> Joey, you can touch them. They're your
underwear.
>> Chandler, a word.
THAT'S IT. I'm tired of covering for you
two. This has got to stop.
>> So, is she around?
>> Uh, no. She's at dance class.
>> Can I check out what she did with my
room?
>> Yeah, but hey, look, don't go through
her stuff. She gets really mad.
>> Oh my god. What is It's like a guy never
lived in here.
Look, you got to be careful. This girl
thing is dangerous. It's spreading
already.
>> It is.
>> Yeah. Is this your pretty pink pillow on
the couch? [laughter]
>> No.
>> Is that your tiny little box that's TOO
SMALL TO PUT anything in?
>> No.
>> No. Okay. This is not good. You are a
guy. Okay. This is a guy's place. If you
let this go, you're going to be sitting
around with your fingers soaking and
stuff.
>> All right. All right. You're right. I
I'll TALK TO HER.
>> YES. TALK TO HER. BE A MAN. I'M A MAN.
>> DEFEND YOURSELF. H [laughter]
>> Taylor, come on. We have to h the new
dust riffle.
>> Be right there, sweets. [laughter]
Totally different situation.
[music]
[laughter]
>> Hey, Joey.
>> Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second?
There's a kid in this picture. Do you uh
you know this kid? Is that like a
relative or something? [laughter]
No, I just thought it was cute.
>> Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. Okay.
Uh,
look, Janine, I really want you to feel
at home here. But some of this new
stuff, it's just it's too girly.
>> Oh, like what?
>> Uh, like this pictures of cute babies.
We don't know.
We can't have that,
>> Joey. It's an Giddy. She's a famous
artist.
>> Look, I don't know this baby. I don't
know if she's a famous artist or not,
you know, and I don't want to be a jerk,
but you you're changing too much around
here.
>> I'm sorry. I just thought I'd try and
make the place a little nicer.
>> Yeah, but it's it's too much stuff, you
know? Like you got the candles and the
the foofy schmoer thing here. And over
here you got a picture of a watering
can. [laughter]
>> Well, I just thought
>> I'm sure it's a famous watering can.
Okay, but come on. And what is with the
really hot stick in the bathroom?
>> It's a curling iron.
[laughter]
>> Well, that's okay then. But okay, my
towels for instance. Okay, I come in the
bathroom here and my towel is not on the
floor where I keep it.
>> It's up here on some hook and smells
different.
>> It's clean. Yeah, but it it feels
different.
>> It's dry. [laughter]
>> All right, I can make my piece with the
clean, dry towels. And okay, also, what
is with these chips you bought? I don't
>> No, no, no, no. It's po puri. You're
supposed to smell it.
[laughter]
>> Well, that's like summer in a bowl.
So, what's really neat is if you sear
the stems of the flowers first in a
frying pan, your arrangement will look
fresh much longer. [laughter]
>> Joey, that is such a great tip.
>> Monica, could you excuse us for a
second? I need to talk to the girl with
the flowers. [laughter]
>> Okay. Oh, Joey, come over later cuz I'm
going to teach you how to make a bird
feeder out of just a pine cone and some
peanut butter. A
>> I love birds.
>> [laughter]
>> WHAT IS THE MATTER with you?
>> WHAT?
>> YOU'RE ARRANGING FLOWERS. [laughter]
>> You get You GET YOU GOT DEAD FLOWERS.
YOU GOT A YOU GOT A PICTURE OF A BABY
DRESSED LIKE FLOWERS. [laughter]
>> This is not Joey.
>> Hey. Hey, look. I am still Joey. Okay.
Flowers. They're just, you know, they're
nice to look at. And that happens to be
a picture by a famous artist of a famous
baby.
[laughter]
>> You're turning into a woman.
No, I'm not. Why would you say that?
That's just mean.
>> Now I've upset you. What did I say?
>> Not what you said. It's just the way you
said it. [laughter]
>> Oh my god,
>> I'm a woman.
>> I'm glad you're back. I really need your
help.
>> Oh, why? What's up?
>> Well, I have an audition for this play
and for some of it, I have to speak
French, which according to my resume,
I'm fluent in.
>> Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume.
Yeah, you really shouldn't. And by the
way, how was that year-long dig in
Cairo?
>> It was okay.
>> I did not know you spoke French.
Sure.
>> Seriously, stop it. I'm going to jump on
you. [laughter]
>> All right. Well, it seems pretty [music]
simple. Your first line is my name is
Claude. So, just repeat after me.
>> Clude the plow.
[laughter]
>> Let's just Let's try it again. Okay.
two. [laughter]
>> Huh? It's not quite what I'm saying.
[laughter]
>> Really? Sounds exactly the same to me.
>> It does. Really?
>> Yeah.
>> All right. Well, let's just try it
again. Really? Listen.
>> Got it.
>> Mel
fle. [laughter]
>> Oh, the foof.
Jim Claude
>> should call blue.
>> No.
>> Okay, maybe if we just break it down.
>> Okay, let's just let's try it one
syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat
after me.
>> M
>> pel.
>> Great. Okay, faster. Jm
>> peloo.
>> [laughter]
>> It's too hard. I can't teach you.
>> What are you doing?
>> I I have to go before I put your head
through a wall.
>> No, don't go. I need you. My audition is
tomorrow.
>> I'll count from one to five.
>> Blue blah flu flank.
Good job.
>> Thank you.
>> Hey, Joey.
>> Listen, I feel really badly about
yesterday and I thought about it a lot.
No, I was too impatient. So, let's try
it again.
>> Oh, no. That's okay. I don't I don't
need your help. I worked on it myself
and I got to say I am pretty good.
>> Really? Can I hear some of it?
>> Sure. Sure.
>> Okay. [clears throat]
blah bl [laughter]
you're not
you're not you're again you're you're
not speaking French.
>> Oh well I think I am. Yeah. And I think
I'm definitely going to get the part.
>> How could you possibly think that?
>> For one thing. THE GUY ON THE TAPE SAID
I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB.
Whenever you're ready, Joey, right?
[clears throat]
[laughter]
>> I'm sorry. What's going on, dude? Come
on. French it up.
Joey, do you speak French?
[laughter]
>> You know what? I think this audition is
over.
Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Rejene Fange.
[laughter]
Uh, I I was passing by when I heard this
man speaking the the regional dialect of
my French town of Estee Lauder.
>> You really think this man is speaking
French?
[laughter]
>> [laughter]
>> Good job, little buddy.
>> [laughter]
[applause]
>> That was some really good French, but I
think we're going to go with someone
else for the part.
>> Oh, yeah. All right. But my French was
good.
>> It was great.
>> Merci.
>> Yeah.
>> That's my car.
>> Really? Oh. Uh, but just give me five
more minutes with it.
[laughter]
>> What are you doing? Oh, well, I uh I
found the keys and now I'm just
polishing her up.
>> But it's my car.
>> Yeah, but it's my wax.
>> Listen, I don't come to this city much
and I don't know if you're crazy or if
this is some kind of street theater, but
[laughter]
could I have my keys?
>> Sure. Here.
>> I'll uh I'll save your parking spot.
>> Not coming back.
>> Why not?
>> I live upstate.
>> Yeah, so did I.
>> [laughter]
>> So, the Porsche guy took his car back.
[laughter]
>> But you found the keys to his clothes.
[laughter]
>> No, I just uh I just love the way it
feels when everybody thinks I own a
Porsche.
>> And people would think you own a Porsche
because you're wearing the clothes.
>> Of course,
only an idiot would wear this stuff if
you didn't have the car. [laughter]
That is true.
>> Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a
sonic blaster gun.
>> Oh, I've been there.
>> I am going to go drive my Porsche.
>> Joey, you know you don't actually have
one.
>> Come on. What are you doing? I'm in
character. Will you talk to her?
[laughter]
>> Hey, hey, hey, careful around my porch.
>> [laughter]
>> Hi, Joey.
>> Hey, how you doing?
>> He has the most amazing Porsche under
there.
>> I'd love to show you, but I just tucked
her in. She's sleeping. [laughter]
>> Hey, uh, would you two girls like to go
for a drink?
>> Joey Peponyi.
>> Oh, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I
should have a name that's more neutral.
Joey Switzerland.
Plus, you know, I think it should be
Joe. You know, Joey makes me sound like
I'm this big, which I'm not.
Joe. Joe. Joe. Stalin. [laughter]
Stalin.
Stalin. Do I know that name? That sounds
familiar. Well, it does not ring a bell
with me.
Joe Stalin.
[laughter]
>> You know that's pretty good.
>> You might want to try Joseph.
[applause]
>> Joseph Stalin.
>> I think you'd remember that.
>> Oh yes. [laughter]
Bye-bye birdie starring Joseph Stalin.
Joseph Stalin is the fiddler on the
roof.
[laughter]
>> You know, there already is a Joseph
Stalin. [laughter]
[cheering]
>> You're kidding.
Apparently, he was this Russian dictator
who slaughtered all these people.
[laughter]
You'd think you would have known that.
You know, you'd think I would have.
>> Oh, Joey. Um, you look familiar. Are,
uh, are you on TV or something?
>> Well, Joey doesn't like to talk about
it, but he's one of the stars of Days of
Our Lives.
[laughter]
>> That's right. That's right. Don't you
play a woman? [laughter]
>> A woman in a man's body. [laughter]
Much better.
So, you know, Ross, it's funny cuz you
look familiar to me, too. Have you ever
been married? [laughter]
>> Well, yes. Yes, I have. In fact, um,
just the other day, Chris and I were
talking about how I've been married and
how I have a son.
>> Yeah, little Eric.
>> That's right. Wait, no, Ben.
[laughter]
>> So, you just been married the one time
then? [laughter]
Well, um,
>> you've been married twice.
>> Yes.
And
another time after that.
Boy, I'm getting hungry.
Uh, hey Joey, have you ever been so
hungry on a date that when the girl goes
to the bathroom, you eat some of her
food?
[laughter]
You said the waiter ate my crab cake.
[laughter]
>> Yeah. So, uh, Ross, that now why did
that first marriage break up?
>> Hm. [laughter]
Was it because the woman was straight or
because she was a lesbian?
>> Hey, is this true that you write a lot
of your own lines?
>> Uh, well, kind of. Yeah.
>> Like remember last week when Alex was in
the accident? Well, the line in the
script was, "If we don't get this woman
to a hospital, she's going to die." But
I made it. If this woman doesn't get to
a hospital, she's not going to live.
[laughter]
>> Oh, okay. I see what you did there.
>> Aren't you afraid though that the
writers are going to be kind of mad when
they read this?
>> Huh? Never really thought about the
writers. The scripts just kind of come
to my house.
But you know what? This makes me look
good, which makes the show look good,
which makes the writers look good. So,
how could they be mad about that?
[laughter]
Makes up most of his lines. Son of a
Yeah, write this jerkwaited.
>> I fall down an elevator shaft. What the
hell does this mean? I fall down an
elevator shaft.
>> Uh, I don't know. I just bring the
scripts.
They can't kill me. I'm Franchesca's
longlost son.
>> Right,
>> Amber?
I want you to know that I'll always be
there for you as a friend and as your
brother.
>> Oh, Drake.
>> Huh? Where's the medical award?
>> Yeah, some guys are just lucky, I guess.
[laughter]
>> Dr. Ramore, report to first floor
emergency staff. All
right. Well, then uh
we uh guess that's me.
Anyone else need to go in the elevator?
Dr. Wong? Dr. Wong? No. No. They only
said you.
>> Oh, okay.
All right.
>> I love you, Drake.
>> Yeah, whatever.
[laughter]
>> OH, NO.
>> DRAKE, LOOK OUT. [screaming]
Did they just kill off Joey?
>> No.
>> Now, maybe.
>> All right, fine. You know what? We'll
both sit in the chair.
>> Fine with me.
[laughter]
>> I'm so comfortable.
>> Me, too.
>> In fact, I think I might be a little too
comfortable.
>> All right.
Okay, look. We have 19 minutes, okay?
Chandler, I want you to go and change,
okay? And then when you come back, Joey
will go change and he'll have vacated
the chair. Okay? Okay.
>> All right. Fine. I'm going. When I GET
BACK, IT'S CHAIR CITY AND I'M THE GUY
who's sitting in a chair.
All right. You will notice that I am
fully dressed. I in turn have noticed
that you are not. So in the words of aa
mil get out of my chair dealhole.
>> Okay.
[cheering]
[applause]
>> What are you doing?
>> Well, you said I had to give you the
chair. You didn't see anything about the
cushions.
>> The cushions are the essence of the
chair.
>> That's right. I'm taking the essence.
Oh, he'll be back. Oh, there's nobody in
the room.
>> Where's my underwear? Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Come on. Come on. What? You took
his underwear?
>> He took my essence.
>> Okay, hold on.
>> Joey, why why can't you just wear the
underwear you're wearing now?
>> Cuz I'm not wearing any underwear now.
>> Okay. Um, then why do you have to wear
underwear tonight?
>> It's a rented tux. Okay. Not going to go
commando in another man's fatigues.
>> [applause and cheering]
>> Well, then it looks like somebody's
going to have to give somebody back his
cushions.
>> Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm going to
do the exact opposite to you.
What are you What are you going to show
me my clothes? Hey, opposite
is opposite.
He's got nothing.
>> [applause]
>> Okay, buddy boy. Here it is.
You hide my clothes, I'm wearing
everything you own.
Oh my god,
[laughter]
that is so not the OPPOSITE OF TAKING
SOMEBODY'S UNDERWEAR.
Look at me. I'm Chandler. Could I be
wearing any more clothes?
>> [music]
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