– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

[Applause]

[Music]

where have you

been long story honey all right Carol I

need you to keep pushing I need to I I

need excuse me can I have

this all right all right there's a few

too many people in this room there's

about to be one more so anybody who's

not an ex-husband or a lesbian life

partner out you

go good luck you guys good luck good

luck let me ask you do you have to be

Carol's lesbian life

partner hey hello sir you here to return

those

pants no these are my

pants oh

okay how can I help you well um do you

have a Santa outfit left two days before

Christmas sorry man okay look do do you

have anything uh Christmasy I promis my

son and I I really don't want to

disappoint him um come on I you got to

have

something I'm the holiday

armadillo I'm a friend of Santa and he

sent me here to wish you a Merry

Christmas what happened to Santa holiday

armadillo Santa was unavailable so close

to Christmas

oh come in have a seat you must be

exhausted coming all the way from

Texas Texas that's right Ben I'm Santa's

representative for all the Southern

States and

Mexico but Santa sent me here to give

you these presents Ben maybe the lady

will help me with these

[Applause]

presents wow thanks you're welcome Ben

Merry Christmas o and happy

Hanukkah are you for Hanukkah too

because I'm part Jewish you are me

too because armadillos also wandered in

the desert oh my God B you're on fire I

know one more score to go you can do it

don't touch me don't touch her go left

go go right go right I can I

can no you son of

[Music]

a

[Music]

oh hi Ben no don't look at the

machine so here you

are seems like yesterday I was talking

to in that little petri

[Laughter]

dish everyone said labor was the hardest

thing I'd ever have to do but they were

wrong this is

well I had the most fun with you

guys I wish I could take you home and

see you every day

but okay I'll settle for being your

favorite

aunt I know Alice's sister has a pool

but you lived in

me okay so we're cool

yeah we're going to be

great little high

[Music]

[Music]

fives well if you're going to

cry taking care of you with no problem

huh you guys feel safe right okay I'm

going to take that spit bubble as yeah I

do okay let's get rid of this dirty

diaper lesie I'll set you up with a nice

clean

one okay I'm sorry I didn't mean to

scare you I just have to clean that up

okay cuz let's face it we're at

Monica's I broke it all right well

that's just the way things go okay

good why are there only two of you

where's lesie well you can't answer

lesie are you Lesley Lesley now would be

a good time for your first

words well look at

you hey you are a little bit mischievous

my gosh oh you're a lot

mischievous well it'll

dry say you sit with your brother and

sister now who aren't

there

hey how do you feel well let's just say

that kog will be fully equipped to

destroy the universe again in 12 to 14

hours okay so I totally took care of the

babies all by myself I fed them bathed

them and put them to bed and protected

them from a

tornado

oh my God I know the babies are

asleep but what happened here I did it I

took care of the babies all by

myself my apartment was the setting of

Phoebe's

Triumph put the mess is not as important

as the fact that Phoebe took care of the

babies all by

herself you're right you're right I

shouldn't freak out cuz this is what

it's going to be like when you and I

have babies when will that be

Phoebe would you take a look at this

mess here we

go she's upside down but she's coming

she's coming God oh my God oh my God

she's

here oh she's she's perfect oh

W oh she's so

tiny

where'd she

go they're just they're just wrapping

her up okay well be careful with her

she's really

tiny here she

[Music]

is

you thanks for coming out of

me I know

[Music]

oh oh she's looking at

me I know

you do we have a name yet no not yet

that's fine for now we'll just call her

baby girl green oh no baby girl Gill

green

hello baby girl there she is she's so

beautiful oh my

God she's

amazing oh I'm so glad you guys got

drunk and had

sex it's incredible I mean one minute

she is inside you and then 47 hours

later here she

is she looks so

real you know what I mean okay my turn

my turn B oh baby oh you're so cute oh I

could squeeze your little

head I

won't what's the matter nothing I'm

sorry I just can't stop crying the

doctor said it's completely normal with

all the hormones plus you you're sleep

deprived so you guys are all sleep

deprived I don't see you weeping cuz you

put your slippers on the wrong

feet oh God what's the matter now I was

reliving

it so do you know what you're going to

call her yet oh wait a minute it's not

going to be baby girl I thought that was

so

original uh actually we we've nowed it

down to two names yeah and you know what

I love them both so why don't you just

pick one and that'll be

it well

um okay uh

everyone

this is

[Music]

Isabella

what that's not her

name I'm sorry she just doesn't feel

like an Isabella what was the other one

Ross um Delila oh great unless she

sounds like a Biblical

so I guess we're back to uh baby

girl

yay well what are we going to do it's

okay honey you'll find a name oh easy

for you to to say you already know what

your kids names are going to be you do

yeah I had them picked out since I was

14 oh no it's going to be named after

some snack or baked good isn't

it well tell us what are they um okay if

it's a boy it's Daniel and if it's a

girl I don't want to say oh don't tell

us I'm not going to want

it okay

it's

Emma

Emma see I don't want

it take

it what she's clearly an Emma oh hone

but you'd love that

name yeah I love you

more besides you know nothing goes with

being so I'm screwed okay well the

Super's not home but but hey you know

what my mother's going to be here in a

minute and she has the key I can't I

can't wait that long you have to do

something knock that door down I would

but I bruise like a

peach besides you know everything's

going to be fine the baby's sleeping

what if she jumped out of the bassinet

can't hold her own head up but yeah

jumped oh my God I left the water

running R you did not leave the water

running please just just pull yourself

together okay wait did I leave the stove

on you haven't cooked since

1996 is the window open because if the

windows open a bird could fly in there

and oh my God you know what I think

you're right I think you know what

listen listen a a pigeon no no wait no

no an eagle flew

in landed on the stove and caught

fire the baby seeing this jumps across

the apartment to the mighty bird Aid the

ego however misconstrues this as an act

of aggression and grabs the baby and its

Talent meanwhile the faucet fills the

apartment with water baby and bird still

Ablaze are locked in a death grip

swirling around the whirlpool that fills

the

apartment boy are you going to be sorry

if that's

true hi I just finished getting Phoebe

all dressed to meet Mike's parents she's

so nervous it's so sweet guess what I

made Emma laugh today you what and I

missed it because I was giving a

makeover to that stupid

hippie yeah and it was it was like a a

real little person laugh too it was was

like

um only only not creepy yeah well what

did you do to make her laugh I um well I

sang actually I wrapped um baby got

back you

what you sang to our baby daughter a

song about a guy who likes to have sex

with women with giant

asses but you know what if you think

about it it it actually promotes a

healthy uh body

image because even big butts or uh juicy

doubles

are please don't take her away from

me okay uh please laugh for mommy please

please laugh for

Mommy not funny huh well so is is it

only offensive novelty rap

or maybe just you know rap in general

cuz Mommy can

rap my name is Mommy and I'm here to say

that all the babies are oh I can't

rap all right

sweetheart this is only because I love

you so much and I know that you're not

going to tell

anybody

I

like big butts and I cannot

lie you other brothers can't

deny when a girl walks in with an itty

bitty waist and a round thing in your

face yes yes yes

yes I like big butts and I cannot lie

you other brothers can't deny oh you

laugh

oh you are you really do like big butts

don't

you oh you beautiful little

weirdo oh oh you missed it she was

laughing oh it was amazing it was

amazing it was the most beautiful

beautiful sound oh I know isn't it oh

what' you do to get her to laugh oh you

know I just couple little things I try

different just the say a little little

itsy bitsy

spider you saying baby got back didn't

you nothing else worked that girl is all

about the

[Music]

ass she sweat wet got it going like a

turbo vet so fellas yeah fellas yeah has

your girlfriend got the butt hell yeah

so shake it shake it shake it shake it

shake that nasty butt baby got back one

more time from the top I like big butts

and I cannot lie you are the

brother Rachel please that is so

[Music]

[Applause]

inappropriate look at you all sweet and

innocent sleeping like an angel with him

his chubby little hands wrapped around

here

it's okay Emma you stay

[Music]

asleep step away from the

CRI it's okay it's okay R it's me put

down the

scrunchie what are you doing well I

heard Emma stirring so so I came in to

make sure she could reach hugsy oh oh

thanks all right well now that I'm up

I'm going to go to the bathroom okay

there you go sweetie

this isn't over Joey what are you going

to do for us uh I will be doing a

dramatic reading of one of Emma's books

oh okay which one uh well it's uh one of

her

favorites Riding the Storm Out coping

with postpartum depression

ye love you

forever love you Forever by Robert Munch

published by Firefly books printed in

Mexico a mother held her new baby and

very slowly rocked him back and forth

back and forth back and forth and while

she held him she Sayang I'll love you

forever I'll like you for always as long

as as I'm living my baby you'll

be and while he rocked her he sang I

love you forever I'll like you for

always as long as I'm

living my baby you'll

be

wow that was amazing thank you so much

for that

gift I was not ready for this today

I just realized I don't care if he is

the most perfect guy in the

world it's not you yeah he's

better no he's

not and if I can't get pregnant with you

then I don't want to get pregnant by him

or anyone

else really are you sure yeah I'm sure

thank God because I don't want to do

this either you no I was just doing it

because I thought that was what you

wanted to do do you know I'm the husband

I'm supposed to bring the

sperm that is so

sweet well I love

you so you know this leaves us

with

adoption how do you feel about

that I think I feel okay about

it actually I I I think I feel really

good about

it me too

I want to find a baby that needs a home

and I want to raise it with

you and I want to mess it up in our own

specific

way so this is it we we're really going

to

adopt

yeah oh my God we're going to be parents

we are going to be great parents and it

could be soon I mean I mean think about

it right now Somewhere Out There Our

baby could be being

conceived wait if we're lucky and we're

really really really quiet we may be

able to hear the sound of a condom

breaking what do we do what do you mean

what do we do

twins

twins tayor you're panicking uh-huh join

me won't

you okay what do you say we keep one and

then just like have an option on the

other one we can't split them up why not

we could give each of them half a

medallion and then years later they'll

find each other

and be

reunited I mean that's a great day for

everybody okay what if the person who

adopts the other one is horrible what if

they're not what if it's adopted by a

king yeah because I hear the king is

looking to

adopt Monica we are not ready to have

two babies that doesn't matter we have

waited so long for this I don't care if

it's two babies I don't care if it's

three babies I don't care if the entire

cast of Eight is Enough comes out of

there

[Music]

do you think they recognize each other

from in

there maybe unless they're like two

people who've lived in apartments next

to each other for years and then one day

they're pushed through a vagina and they

meet oh look at these little bunnies I

know you ready to

TR okay

okay all right let's

see we could trade later yeah I'm

good oh my God oh my

God go

hey

hey so what is the big

[Laughter]

surprise my

God okay okay okay awkward question the

hospital knows you took two

right twins oh my God they're so cute

now what what what kinds are they are

they okay this is a boy and that's a

girl her name is

Erica hey that pregnant girl's name was

Erica

yeah it's a shame you two didn't get to

spend more time

together and we named the boy Jack after

Dad it's going to be so happy ah Jack

Bing I love that well it sounds like

like a 40s newspaper guy you know Jack

Bing morning Gazette I'm gonna I'm going

to blow this story wide

[Music]

open

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
ex-husband ˌɛks hʌzˈbænd A2	noun - a former husband
lesbian ˈlɛzbiən A2	noun - a woman who is sexually attracted to other women
outfit ˈaʊtfɪt A1	noun - a set of clothes worn together
Christmas ˈkrɪsməs A1	noun - a Christian holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus
exhausted ɪɡˈzɔːstɪd A2	adjective - extremely tired
representative ˌrɛprɪˈzɛntətɪv B1	noun - a person who speaks or acts on behalf of another
mischievous mɪˈstʃɪvəs B1	adjective - playfully causing trouble
triumph ˈtrɪʌmf B1	noun - a great victory or achievement
hormones ˈhɔːrmoʊnz B1	noun - chemicals produced by the body that control growth and development
postpartum poʊstˈpɑːrtəm B2	adjective - relating to the period after childbirth
adoption əˈdɒpʃən B1	noun - the act of legally taking a child to be raised as one's own
conceived kənˈsiːvd B2	verb - to become pregnant
bassinet bəˈsɪnɪt B2	noun - a small bed for a baby
stove stoʊv A1	noun - a kitchen appliance used for cooking
eagle ˈiːɡəl A1	noun - a large bird of prey with a massive hooked beak
condom ˈkɒndɒm B1	noun - a thin rubber sheath worn over the penis during sex to prevent pregnancy
twins twɪnz A1	noun - two children born to the same mother at the same time

Key Grammar Structures

• where have you been long story honey all right Carol I need you to keep pushing

  ➔ Present Perfect Continuous (have been)

  ➔ The phrase "where have you been" uses the Present Perfect Continuous to emphasize an action that started in the past and is relevant now.

• I'm the holiday armadillo, I'm a friend of Santa and he sent me here to wish you a Merry Christmas

  ➔ Present Simple in Relative Clauses

  ➔ The sentence uses the Present Simple in the relative clause "who sent me here" to describe a general truth or habitual action.

• because armadillos also wandered in the desert

  ➔ Past Simple (wandered)

  ➔ The verb "wandered" is in the Past Simple to describe a completed action in the past.

• I know one more score to go you can do it

  ➔ Future Simple (will)

  ➔ The phrase "you can do it" implies future ability or encouragement, using the Future Simple.

• I wish I could take you home and see you every day

  ➔ Past Subjunctive (wish + could)

  ➔ The structure "wish + could" expresses an unreal or impossible desire in the past.

• I fed them, bathed them, and put them to bed

  ➔ Past Simple with Multiple Actions

  ➔ The sentence lists multiple completed actions in the past using commas.

• I don't care if it's two babies, I don't care if it's three babies

  ➔ Conditional Clauses (if)

  ➔ The sentence uses conditional clauses to express hypothetical situations.

• we named the boy Jack after Dad

  ➔ Past Simple with Reason (after)

  ➔ The phrase "after Dad" explains the reason for naming the boy Jack.