– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

I'll tell you one thing. I wouldn't mind

having a piece of this sundried tomato

business. Five years ago, if somebody

had said to me, "Here's a tomato that

looks like a prune." I'd have said, "Get

out of my office."

Dad, before I was born, did you freak

out at all? I'm not freaking out. I'm

just saying if someone had come to me

with the idea of this Dad, Dad, Dad, I'm

talking about the whole uh baby thing.

Did you uh ever get this sort of

panicky, oh my god, I'm going to be a

father kind of a thing? No.

Your mother really did the work. I was

busy with the business. I wasn't around

that much. Is that what this is about?

No. No, Dad. I was just wondering. Cuz

it's time to make up for that. We can do

stuff together. You always wanted to go

to that colonial Williamsburg. How about

we do that? Thanks, Dad. Really? I just,

you know, I just I

just I just needed to know. Um, when did

you start to feel like a father?

Oh, well, I I guess it must have been

the day after you were born. We were in

the hospital room. Your mother was

asleep and they brought you in and gave

you to me. You were this ugly little red

thing. And all of a sudden, you grabbed

my finger with your whole fist and you

squeezed it so

tight. And that's when I knew.

So, you don't want to go to

Williamsburg?

Well, we can go to Williamsburg.

Eat your fish.

Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent

doctor. off. Wait a minute. His name is

Dr. Bobby.

Well, that's his last name and his first

name. He's Bobby. Bobby.

It's Robert Bobby.

And um Excuse me. He helps me. Please

ask her how. What do you need help for?

With my alignment. I got one leg shorter

than the other. Oh my god. Argue with

that. What? It's true. My right leg is 2

in shorter. Come on. You're just

tilting.

Her legs are fine. I know that. So, what

do you let her go to a chiropractor for?

Sorry. Let her. What can I do? She

doesn't listen to me about about

renters's insurance either. Wait a

minute. You don't have renters's

insurance?

Nope. But what if somebody steals

something? How are you going to run

after him with one leg shorter than the

other?

Hey, would you uh would you like some

juice? I'd love some juice. Okay.

Wow, this is going so well. Did you see

us? Did you see? Yeah, honey. I'm

standing right there.

Why don't you just tell them about the

mall I haven't gotten checked yet?

Excellent.

[Music]

Hey, Dad. What are you doing here? Well,

it's your mother's bridge night, so I

thought I'd come into the city for a

little Mona cuddle.

Since when did you start smoking cigars?

I don't. I just I just like the smell of

them.

So, uh, what are you really doing here,

Dad? Well, I just wanted to make sure

that you're okay.

What makes you think that I might not be

okay? I saw Richard.

Oh. So, how you doing?

I'm fine. Just a little tired, but I'm

okay. How's Richard doing? You don't

want to know? No, I I really really do.

Well, he's doing terrible.

Really?

Worse than when he broke up with

Barbara.

You're not just saying that, are you?

No. The man is a mess.

Was he crying? No.

Well, do you think he was waiting till

after you left so we could cry? Maybe.

I think so. Honey, relationships are

hard. Like with your mom and me. You

know, after we graduated from college,

we broke up for a while. It seems her

father, your grandfather, wanted her to

travel around Europe like he did. Of

course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's

nickel because he was also strafing

German troop trains at the time.

However,

[Music]

He's really funny.

I wouldn't want to be there when when

the laughter stops.

Whoa. Whoa. Back up there, Sparky.

What did you mean by that?

Just seems as though that maybe you have

intimacy issues. You know that you use

your humor as a way of keeping people at

a distance.

Huh? I mean, hey, I just met you. I

don't know you from Adam.

Only child, right?

Parents divorced before you hit puberty.

Uh-huh. How did you know that? It's

textbook.

Hey, you guys. Hey, you all know my day.

Hey, how long you in the city? Just for

a couple of days. I got a job Midtown. I

figure I'm better off staying with the

kid than hauling my ass back and forth

on a ferry. I don't know this one. Oh,

this is my friend Roger. Hey, hey, good

to meet you, Roger. You, too, sir. What

happened to the uh puppet guy? Dad. Oh.

Oh, excuse me. So, Ross, how's the wife?

Oh, for

two, uh, Chandler, quick, say something

funny.

was that that little bit of oil that

should have lasted just one day burned

for eight whole days. That's right. And

that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today.

The end. Awesome. Yeah.

My favorite part was when Superman flew

all the Jews out of Egypt.

The armadillo was actually not so

thrilled about that part.

Okay, Ben, it's time to light the

Hanukkah

candles. Hey. Oh, wow. Looks like the

Easter Bunny's funeral in here.

Come on. Come on. We're lighting the

candles. Come on.

[Music]

I understand why Superman is here, but

why is there a porcupine at the Easter

Bunny's funeral? Miss Green, your

father's doctor's on the phone if you'd

like to speak to him. Oh, great. Um, are

you going to be okay? He's unconscious.

I think we'll be just fine. Okay.

[Music]

[Applause]

Um, did did the TV wake you. No. When

you put your feet up on my bed, you

tugged on my catheter.

Ouchie.

What are you doing here, Giller? Well, I

came with Rachel, who who should be back

any

second. So, what's new? Oh, I had a

little heart attack.

Great. Is Is it painful? What? The heart

attack is sitting here talking to you.

Let's see if we can get that Rachel back

in here. So, what's new with you, G?

Knocked up any more of my daughters

lately? Nope, just the one, right?

Hey. Hey. How was it? Well, I had a

great time. Um, Chanty, on the other

hand, I will tell the story. It was

going great. I let him win. We were

bonding. He even said that I could call

him dad. And what did he ask you not to

call him? Daddy. All

right, look. Here's the story.

Well, we had just finished playing

raetball and we were going to take a

steam. I walk into the steam room and

it's really

steamy. So, I take off my glasses and

that's when it happened. Guys, over

here. Have a seat, son.

Hey.

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

Oh my god, Chandler. I can't believe it.

I know. You gave my father a lap dance.

Why do they put so much steam in there?

Because otherwise they'd have to call it

the room room.

Why? Okay. Why? Why did that have to

happen?

Come on. It's not that big a deal. Not

that big a deal.

There there was touching of things.

All right. I know you wanted to bond

with my dad, but did you really have to

bond to that part?

[Laughter]

Listen, I'm sure that dad doesn't care.

He probably thought this was really

funny. He'll be telling the story for

years. I don't want him to tell this

story for years.

Oh, but he will.

He still tells a story about how Monica

tried to escape from fat camp.

I wasn't escaping. Then how'd you get

caught in the barbed wire?

I was trying to help out a squirrel. You

were trying to eat it.

If that is your father calling to tell

this story, then the marriage is off.

Come on. Hello.

I'm sorry. You have the wrong number.

Okay. I'll call you later, Dad. I love

you.

[Music]

All right. I'm off to see your dad.

Whoa. Whoa. Aren't you a little

overdressed?

Yeah. And and you better make sure he

tips you this time.

Look, I figured I would try to convince

him not to tell the story anymore. And I

figured the best way to do that was face

to face. And by face, I don't mean his

lap. And by face, I don't mean my ass.

[Music]

So you understand, I'd feel a lot more

comfortable if you didn't tell people

what happened. You know, I'm a little

I'm a little embarrassed about it. I

understand completely. There's nothing

more horrifying than embarrassing

yourself in front of your in-laws. As a

matter of fact, when I started dating

Judy, I was unemployed and her father

asked me what I did for a living and I

told them I was a lawyer. What'd you do

when they found out? They never did. So,

if you ever see me giving them legal

advice, just not alone.

Shall we?

So, I guess we wear swimsuits in here.

[Music]

you. Oh, thanks for coming out of me.

I know.

[Music]

Oh, she's looking at me.

I know you.

Do we have a name yet? No, not yet.

That's fine. For now, we'll just call

her baby girl Green. Oh no, baby girl

kill her green.

I had a dream last night where I was

playing football with my kid. Oh, it's

nice. Nice. No, no, with

him. I'm on this field and they they

hike me the baby.

And I I know I've got to do something

cuz the Tampa Bay defense is coming

right at me. Tampa Bay's got a terrible

team,

right?

But it is just me and the baby, so I'm

thinking they can take

us. And so I uh I just hate it

downfield. What? Are you afraid that's a

baby? He should take the sack.

Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield and I

realize that I'm the one who's supposed

to catch him, right? Only I know there

is no way I'm going to get there in

time, right? So, I am running and I'm

running. And that that is when I woke

up. See, I I am so not ready to be a

father. Hey, you're going to be fine.

You're one of the most caring, most

responsible men in North America.

You're going to make a great dad. Yeah,

Ross. You and the baby just need better

blocking. Oh my god, baby. You're on

fire. I know. One more score to go. You

can do it. Don't touch it. Don't touch

her. All right, go left. Go ahead. Go

right. Go right. I can't. I

can't. No. You son of a

[Music]

Phoebe.

Oh, hi Ben. No, don't look at the

machine.

You got to go. Miss you, too. I love

you, but it's getting real late now.

Hey, ma. Listen, I made the appointment

with Dr. Baza.

Excuse me.

Did you know this isn't

[Laughter]

ma? Her name's

Ronnie. She's a pet mortician.

Sure.

So, how long you've been

Remember when you were a little kid? I

used to take you to the Navyyard and

show you the big ships. Since then? No,

it's only been 6 years. I just wanted to

put a nice memory in your head so you'd

know that I wasn't always such a

terrible guy.

Joe, you ever been in love?

I don't know. Then you haven't. You're

burning your tomatoes. Huh? You'll want

to talk.

Joe, your dad's in love big time. And

the worst part of it is it's with two

different women. Oh, man. Please tell me

one of them is ma. Of course. Of course.

One of them is ma. What's the matter

with you?

Hey, Joe. Dad. Ronnie's here. Huh? Hi.

Hey. Hey. Hello, babe. What? What? Hey,

what are you doing here? Oh, uh, well,

you left your good hair at my apartment.

I figured you'd need it tomorrow for

your meeting.

Thank you.

Um, so who's up for a big game of

Kplunk?

Look, I uh I I shouldn't have come. I I

better get going. I don't want to miss

the last train. No, no, h I I don't want

you taking that thing to swing this.

Where am I going to stay? Here. Wo ho.

We'll go to a hotel.

Go to a hotel.

No, you won't. No, we won't. If you go

to a hotel, you'll be doing stuff. I

want you right here where I can keep an

eye on you. You're going to keep an eye

on us. That's right, mister. And I don't

care how old you are. As long as you're

under my roof, you're going to live by

my rules.

And that means no sleeping with your

girlfriend.

Wow, he's stripped.

Now, Dad, you'll be in my room. Ronnie,

uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.

Thanks. You're uh you're you're a good

kid. Come on. I I'll show you to my

room.

That sounds so weird when it's not

followed by no thanks. It's late.

[Applause]

Okay, now this is just for tonight.

Starting tomorrow, you got to make a

change. 6 years is long enough. What

kind of change? Well, either you break

it off with Ronnie. I can't do that.

Then you got to come clean with Ma. This

is not right. Yeah, but this I don't

want to hear it. Now go to my room. Just

want you to know that what you witnessed

in there, that wasn't for fun.

It wasn't fun. Why? Why? Why would you?

Look, I just don't want you to think

that we're animals who do it whenever we

want. Oh, I don't think that. Before

today, I never thought of you two having

sex at all. It was a simpler time.

The truth is, Dad, we're we're trying.

What? Yeah, we're trying to get

pregnant. Oh my god, this is so

exciting. We'll get back in there. I'll

guard the door.

It's okay. Did we We We can wait until

later. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think

so. Aren't you ovulating, daddy?

Well, you got to get at it, princess.

When your mother and I were trying to

conceive you, whenever she was

ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I

got my bad hip.

It's funny. This conversation is how I

got the bullet hole in my head. So, come

on. Explain yourself, Geller. First, you

got my Rachel pregnant. You got Rachel

pregnant? Who did? You did? Yes.

Yes. Yes, I did. But but it was it was

just a one night thing. It meant

nothing. Oh, really? That's what my

daughter means to you? Nothing? No. No,

sir. Um she means a lot to me. I mean, I

I care. I I love Rachel. What? Oh, but

not in that way. I mean I mean I'm not

in love with her. I love her like like a

friend. Oh, really? That's how you treat

a friend? You get her in trouble and

then you refuse to marry her. Hey, I

offered to marry her, but I didn't want

to.

Well, why not? So you could spend your

time with this I'm sorry.

Dr. Green. Mona. Mona. Dr. Green.

[Applause]

How could you have kept all of this from

me? I I was going to tell you, but But

what? You figure you get what you

wanted, then you dump her like you did

Rachel. Hey, I did not dump Rachel, nor

are we still together.

Oh.

Um, can I

just Why don't we just let the machine

get that?

Hey, Ross, it's Joey. There's a hooker

over here, and we thought maybe you know

something about it.

No, no, no, no, no. I I I need to lie

down.

Hey, you feeling better? Yeah, I think

that fifth shower actually got the

interview off me.

So, do you have any other possibilities?

Oh, yeah. Well, there is the possibility

that I won't make rent. Fine. If you

want, I can lend you some money. No, no,

no. Cuz if I couldn't pay you back right

away, then I'd feel guilty and tense

every time I saw you. Oh, okay. Well,

then why don't you uh why don't you

borrow it from mom and dad? You feel

guilty and tense around them already,

you might as well make some money off of

them.

[Applause]

[Music]

Hi. Hi. Hi, darling. So, what's this?

Some of your old stuff. Well, sweetie,

we have a surprise for you. We're

turning your room into a jam.

Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little

question. Uh, why not Ross' room? Gosh,

we talked about that, but your brother

has so many science trophies and plaques

and merit badges. Well, we didn't want

to disturb them. Oh, God forbid.

You know, you know that Stephie Graph

has quite a tush.

I'm just saying it's right there.

Hey, guys. Hi, darling. Where's my

grandson? You didn't bring him? No, he's

at uh Carol's and Susan's today. A woman

in my office is a lesbian.

I'm just saying.

Oh, Jack, look. There's that house bank

commercial that cracks you up.

Where have you been? Emotional hell. So,

did they lend you the money yet? No, but

that's probably because I haven't asked

them yet. Come on, Monica. Do it. Hey,

you guys. Um, Monica has some news.

Um, yeah. So, uh, listen, I'm sorry I

didn't tell you this before, but, um, I

I'm no longer at my job. I I had to

leave it. Why? Because they made me.

You were

fired. What are you going to do? Judy.

Judy, relax. This is our little

harmonica we're talking about. We taught

her. Well, 10% of your paycheck. Where

does it go? In the bank. The bank.

There you go. So, she dips into her

savings. That's what it's there for.

She's going to be fine. And if you need

a little extra, you know where to find

it. Anything larger back there.

Ben, I want you to know that there may

be some times when I'm I may not be

around um like

this. But I'll still always come

back like

this. And sometimes I may be away

longer like

[Music]

this, but I'll still always come

back. Like

[Music]

this. And sometimes I'll want you to

steal third and I'll go like this.

[Music]

He is so amazing. I know. Look at him.

Ben.

Ben. Hey,

Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his

name.

Oh, look. Look. He's closing his

eyes. Oh, look. He's opening his eyes.

He doesn't do much, does he?

Nope. This is pretty much it.

[Music]

You guys want to get some coffee? Yeah.

Yeah,

man. I'll see you guys later.

[Music]

because you're not in love with the guy.

Oh, you told your dad the truth about an

hour ago.

Want to go see a movie? Yes.

Bye

the hell love to do it anyway. There are

more important things in a marriage than

loveseences.

Hey, I do too think about the

consequences of my

decisions. Well, what gives you the

right

to go to

hell? Stupid guy on my phone.

[Music]

[Music]

Oh, that's

nice.

Oh, Ros.

[Applause]

Ross, I'm here.

You are

um um we were

just Wow. What? Um

great. Now I'm having a baby.

What?

No, I'm I'm having I'm having a baby.

I'm I'm having it with the phone. The

phone. The phone. The phone.

Ros, I'm hurt.

Monica, let's go. Come on now, people.

Women in labor. Hey, Ross, look what I

got going here. Yeah, save it for the

cab. Okay.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

We're going to a hospital. What? So I

can't look nice? There might be doctors

there. Joey, get out of the fridge. All

right. All right.

What is that? For the ride. Oh, yeah.

Like in a cab. Save it. Okay. Hating

this. Monica. Come on now. Let's go.

Baby coming. I can't believe it. I'm

going to be an ant. I'm going to have

like a nephew. That's nice. Get out.

Let's go. Come

on. Right. Right. I'm going. I'm

going.

Here we go.

[Applause]

What do we do? What do you mean? What do

we do?

Twins. Twins.

Taylor, you're panicking. Uh-huh. Join

me, won't you?

Okay. What do you say we keep one and

then just like have an option on the

other one?

We can't split them up. Why not? We

could give each of them half a medallion

and then years later they'll find each

other and be

reunited. I mean, that's a great day for

everybody.

Okay. What if the person who adopts the

other one is horrible? What if they're

not? What if it's adopted by a king?

Yeah, because I hear the king is looking

to adopt.

Michael, we are not ready to have two

babies. That doesn't matter. We have

waited so long for this. I don't care if

it's two babies. I don't care if it's

three babies. I don't care if the entire

cast of eight is enough comes out of

there.

[Music]

Do you think they recognize each other

from in there? Maybe. Unless they're

like two people who've lived in

apartments next to each other for years

and then one day they're pushed through

a vagina and they meet.

[Music]

Oh, look at these little bunnies. I

know.

You ready to trade?

Okay. Okay.

All right. Let's see.

We could trade later. Yeah, I'm good.

Probably never be able to make it up to

you, but here's a start.

What's this? It's the key to my Porsche.

Well, the key to your Porsche.

What? What?

I've been thinking of getting rid of it

and I was driving it the other day and I

saw my reflection in a store window.

Your mother's right. I do look like an

ass.

You're giving me your Porsche? You're

kidding me, right? Well, wait, wait,

wait a minute. I mean, a couple of

stupid boxes get wet and she gets a

Porsche.

Why don't we take it for a spin? What?

What about me? I'm a medical marvel.

[Music]

Now, you you've been quiet all morning.

Is everything okay? Mhm.

You sure you're all right? Yep.

Okay. Um, well, I'm going to go uh grab

her some breakfast. FYI. There it is.

In the future, when a girl asks for some

ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it.

Wait, wait. You're uh you're mad at me

about last night. I was just trying to

do the right thing. Really? Well, it

seems to me if you had done the right

thing, I would not have woken up today

feeling stupid and embarrassed. I would

have woken up feeling comforted and

satisfied.

Well, oh, stop that.

I can't believe this. What? I I was just

being a good guy. I treated you with

with respect and understanding. Oh, that

is so hot.

Hey, I was looking out for you. Oh,

really? Well, Ross, you know what? I am

a big girl. I don't need someone telling

me what is best for me. I got to say,

I've not had sex a lot of times before.

This is the worst ever.

Oh, really? Really? Well, it wasn't very

good for me either. Oh, okay. You know,

hey, hey, you know what? You know what?

To avoid this little thing in the

future, let's just say you and me never

having sex again. What? That's right.

Sex is off the table. I am never having

sex with you again.

Dr. Green, are you feeling better?

Let's go. Oh, yeah. About telling mom

and dad. I was thinking about maybe

writing a letter. All right. You know

what? That's it. You've had your chance.

What?

Mom, Dad, Ross smoked pot in college.

What?

You are such a tattletail.

Mom, Dad,

you remember that that time you walked

in my room and smelled marijuana? Yes.

Yes.

Well, I told you it was Chandler who was

smoking the pot,

but it was me. I'm sorry. It was you.

And Dad, you know that mailman that you

got fired didn't steal your Playboys?

Ross did.

[Laughter]

Yeah. Well, Hurricane Gloria didn't

break the porch swing. Monica did.

Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a

year.

Monica and Chandler are living together.

boss married Rachel in Vegas and got

divorced again.

That's a lot of information to get in 30

seconds.

All right, Monica. Why you felt you had

to hide the fact that you're in an

important relationship is beyond me. And

we kind of figured about the porch

swing.

RS drugs divorced again.

What happened, son? I I uh I got tricked

into all those things.

Chandler, you've been Ross's best friend

all these years, stuck by him during the

drug

problems, and now you've taken on Monica

as well. Well, I don't know what to say.

You're a wonderful human being.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Monica and Ross, I don't know what I'm

going to do about the two of you.

I'll talk to them.

[Music]

Key Grammar Structures

• Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, "Here's a tomato that looks like a prune."

  ➔ Third Conditional

  ➔ The sentence uses the third conditional to describe an unreal past situation. “had said” (past perfect) in the *if* clause and “would have said” (conditional perfect) in the main clause. It expresses what *would have* happened if something *had* been different in the past.

• Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?

  ➔ Past Perfect in a Question

  ➔ The phrase 'before I was born' establishes a time *before* another past event (the birth). The question uses 'did you freak out' with the auxiliary 'did' to form a question in the past, but the context implies a completed action before the birth, making the past perfect relevant.

• Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business.

  ➔ Emphatic 'do' and Simple Past

  ➔ The use of 'did' with 'work' emphasizes that the mother *really* did the work. It's not just that she worked, but that she was the one who took on the responsibility. The second sentence uses the simple past 'was' to describe a state in the past.

• Is that what this is about?

  ➔ Tag Question

  ➔ This is a tag question, used to seek confirmation. The structure is a statement followed by a short question. The 'is' in the tag question refers back to the subject 'this'.