[English]
hey oh good you're here uh thieves
listen uh sit down I got something I
want to say all
right
um know it's a Scary World out there
especially for a single mom you know now
always felt that you and I have a
special
bond
so phei buet will you marry
me oh my
God Joey hell yeah I'll marry
you you can't marry him hey lady your
day is over it's my
turn Phi wad why can't you marry me I
can and I
will she's not pregnant it's Rachel
Rachel's the one who's pregnant okay oh
my God
hey baby I think you would notice when
you didn't have a baby in 9 months it's
[Music]
Joey okay then what
happened oh
oh uh-huh
uh-huh you'll get your
turn hey Phoenix what's going on nothing
this is not over
[Music]
put your 20 bucks down okay first one to
find the tasty treat wins okay mhm all
right let's get the contestants out of
their isolation
booths and they're
off get your F off my contestant judge
judge rules no violation
oh hey guys yeah hey you know what it's
so weird to say this but I just had a
great date with Janice what are you
serious yeah I opened up to her about
all the terrible stuff that's been
happening to me I mean I talked for
hours it is amazing to have someone give
you such such focused attention you
don't need Janice for that you've got us
and the duck gets a another butter
no hey hey that's not autter butter
that's just an old wanton oh judge rules
Nutter butter a tough call yeah
so how is this our big double date
tonight oh my
God great just the reaction I was hoping
for ah yeah so you uh you found someone
for me you didn't forget of course not
and you are going to love Mary Ellen
she's really smart and cute and funny
and I can't tell you how I know this but
she is not opposed to
threesim yeah so tell me something about
my guy
no come on give me something what's his
name Mike Mike yeah okay what's his last
name damn it is there no mystery left in
Romance
anymore all right we'll see you and Mike
at the restaurant in a couple hours all
right great all right see you
byebye why did I have to say Mike I
don't know Mike why couldn't I said
there's no guys in
there hey look I know you've been really
depressed lately so I've brought someone
over to cheer you up right outside this
store is a real live furry Playmate no
I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane
[Laughter]
again hey a dog oh hi who you got to
admit looks a lot like Jane
this is the happiest dog in the world I
borrowed him from my friend Wendy so you
can keep him till he cheers you up and
he will cheer you up thanks so much fee
we are going to have so much fun yes we
are oh not that kind of
fun I haven't done any of the things I
wanted to do by the time I was 31 like
what like okay I I I haven't met any
Portuguese people I I haven't had the
perfect kiss and I haven't been to
sniper School
THS wait up listen
uh close your
eyes maybe that's one thing you can
cross off your
list oh yeah hey everybody Happy
Thanksgiving hey Happy Thanksgiving
peeps what's going on Joe I I I I need a
good lie oh okay how about the whole man
walking on the moon thing you
know you can you can see the strings
people no no no no I need a good lie to
explain why I wasn't at a work thing
today oh honey you stink it line well I
do not oh really okay let me ask you
something yesterday at the coffee house
I went to the bathroom and when I came
back my muffin was gone who took
it somebody opened the door to the
coffee house and a raccoon came running
in and went straight for your muff and I
said hey don't eat that that's phoe and
he
said he said Joey you stink at lion what
am I going to do don't worry don't worry
we'll come up with a good lie I'll help
you practice it oh great that'd be great
thank you sure what what was the work
thing uh pick up Grandma at the airport
oh man I mean I I really shouldn't say I
mean I'm I'm really not supposed to
fine it's a
Humdinger and it's really too bad that
you can't tell me somebody likes
you is it
Chandler no well then tell him to stop
staring it's
Joey really
Joey you don't
say is it something you'd be interested
in I don't know I don't know I don't
know you know I mean on the one hand
mother may
I but you know on the other
hand
no no I can't we're friends no oh no I
don't want to risk what we have I guess
that's makes sense yeah so you think
you're going to talk to him sure yeah I
mean it's Joey I don't want him to get
hurt
well I must say I am on fire first
Chandler now
Joey not Chandler just
Joey
sure hey well what's up um Joey I
know
what I know
what I know about your
feelings oh my God you do yes and I'm
sorry and I I know things worked out for
Chandler and Monica but that's very rare
I know I know and this is so much more
complicated than than it was for those
guys I mean it's Rachel for God's
sakes for God's sakes it's
Rachel I know I know and she's not only
my friend she she's my pregnant friend
she's my pregnant friend who's Ross's ex
yeah that's
Rachel beat me over the head with it
what am I going to do you know I and I
keep I keep trying to get rid of these
feelings you know I I stayed up all last
night and made a list of everything I
don't like about her you want to hear it
yeah she made me switch to light
mail that's it that's all I got and you
know what tastes the same and my pants
fit
better Joey I think you're just getting
upset for nothing this is probably just
a crush
you think absolutely you know you get
this Rush of feelings but then it goes
away yeah just a crush that's all this
is It's a crush I'm Joey I don't get
deep feelings that's right here you go
yeah crushes happen all the time I know
I've had them for all you guys well
except for Ross and
Chandler and I'm sure you've had them
for us not
really I throw me a bone here
heyy hey what are you doing here well I
I thought a lot about what you said and
um I realized maybe I was a little
judgmental yeah oh but oh baby remember
hey they're just fulfilling their
Christmas Destiny sure
yes
okay yikes that one doesn't look very
fulfilled oh that's uh that's one of the
old ones he's just taking it to the back
you keep the old ones in the back that
is so
agist but we have to make room for the
fresh ones so what happens to the old
guys well they go into the
chipper why have a feeling that's not as
happy as it
[Music]
[Applause]
sounds hey
hey you here come here here okay you're
going to take this tray you're going to
stand on this yellow Mark you're going
to move on action you're going to walk
over to the operating table you're going
to stop on that blue Mark you're going
to put the tray down don't walk too fast
but don't
dawle okay now
what
and
action cut cut I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm
sorry I'm just a little nervous yeah
well don't be okay that
helps
and
action hey you know what don't worry
about it usually takes me three takes
two all right
eight action
[Music]
hey hey so what he say uh well he can be
a little rough around the edges so I'm
going to replace a word he used a lot
with the word puppy
okay so he said if your puppy friend
doesn't get her puppy act together I am
going to fire her mother puppy
ass I'm sorry I can't do this I'm just
not an actor that's right you're not
you're a nurse You're nurse with Trey
Joey no no nurse with Trey doesn't know
Joey she doesn't have time for friends
she gets in that operating room and she
carries that tra of the doctor because
if she doesn't people die who
dies man with I ey patch can you get in
there and you do your job yes doctor
okay okay let's try this one more time
hang in there man with ey patch your
tray is
coming
and
action yes I did it I nailed it w what's
next the rest of the
scene okay from the top
people
hey first uh what are you doing here
I've been trying to call
you listen um oh no no no don't say
listen I know that listen I've said that
listen I'm sorry I don't get it what
happened what about everything you said
under the
bridge yeah
um you know you should just forget about
what I said under the bridge I was
talking crazy that night I was so
drunk you don't drink that's right I
don't but I was I was drunk on
you Earth but okay yeah so it's not
going to
work why is it because I'm friends with
Phoebe if it was would you did you stop
hanging out with
her no no I I couldn't do that um then
yeah it's cuz of
Phoebe so you know it's either her or
me then uh then I'm
sorry you
know you're going to be really really
hard to get over I know
[Laughter]
I don't know whether it's just CU we're
breaking up or what but you have never
looked so
beautiful really
feev
yeah
hi it's the honey moon oh incredible oh
champagne candle at dinners Moonlight
walk on the beach it was so romantic so
where is Mike oh he's at the doctor he
didn't poop the whole time we were
there well anyway I'm glad you're back I
really need your help oh why what's up
well I have an audition for this play
and for some of it I have to speak
French which according to my resume I'm
fluent in Joey you shouldn't lie on your
resume yeah you really shouldn't by the
way how is that year-long dig in
Cairo he's okay
I did not know you spoke
French you're so
sexy well so will you help me I really
want to be in this play
sure I'm seriously stoping I'm going to
jump on you honey you stink it line well
I do not oh really okay let me ask you
something yesterday at the coffee house
I went to the bathroom and when I came
back my muffin was gone who took
it somebody open open the door to the
coffee house and a raccoon came running
in and went straight for your muffin I
said hey don't eat that that's Phoebe's
and he
said he said Joey you stink at lion what
am I going to do don't worry don't wor
we'll come up with a good lie I'll help
you practice it oh great that'd be great
thank you sure what what was the work
thing uh pick up Grandma at the airport
oh man
[Music]
the producer from days left a message on
my machine asking why I wasn't at the
parade they said everybody's really
pissed off at me and they all got to
meet
Santa it's okay I thought of the perfect
lie for you it's easy to remember and it
doesn't invite a lot of questions you
weren't at the parade because you had a
family
emergency oh I like that yeah wasn't at
the parade because I had a family
emergency oh what happened uh my
sister's Raccoon came nothing with a
raccoon all right it's a uh it's a
welcome home sign for the baby how sweet
oh is that the baby no I sat in a
paint hey so did you talk to Rachel no
and uh I'm not going to what why not
because she just going to shoot me down
you guys saw what happened with Gunther
that did not look like fun how can you
compare yourself to Gunther
I mean sure he's sexy in a more obvious
way
but you have a relationship with her you
slept together last night yeah and she
still wants to go it's pretty clear
where she is yeah I know what you mean I
mean sometimes um Joe damn it happy
Valentine's Day H you too Hey so uh
how's it going living over at Ross's
it's good except he makes us watch the
Discovery Channel all day
long did you know that something really
boring happened to someone really ugly
in the Middle
Ages oh thank you I'll see you guys
later okay bye
bye one lucky to go cup of
coffee honey I wish you would get over
her I hate seeing you like this is there
anything I can do for you do you want to
look down my
top thanks I maybe
later oh dther could I get a scone do
you want anything you don't know what I
want I want a lot of things I want to be
with the woman I love on Valentine's Day
and I want her to love me back and I
want just one moment of relief from the
gut-wrenching pain of knowing that
that's never going to
happen we have red
Bagels
okay hey hey I was just going to get
something to eat you want something what
you got
okay let's see we got strained peas
strained carrots ooh strained plums we
haven't tried that yet
goody
thanks so how is it living with Rachel
again I mean apart from the great
food I'm fine I'm fine it's just it's
just weird what's happening with her and
Ross you know yesterday he asked me to
fix them up with somebody oh my God
Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her
too why are they doing this I don't know
so perfect perfect for each other it's
crazy you know what's crazy these jars
what is it like two bites in
here I just wish they'd realize they
should be together I know I know and
when they move back in together I figure
you know that's where things were had it
I know they should be a family they
should get married and have more
children yes and they should name one of
their kids
Joey hey I may not have kids someone's
going to carry on the family name
you know what maybe once they start
dating and they see what's out there
they'll realize how good they are for
each other yeah because it is slim
pickings you know I had this date last
night y but we should probably keep it
down she's still in the
bedroom so what are we going to do were
we just going to go ahead and set them
up with people I know that just pushes
them further and further apart
yeah oh I know what we can do we could
set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates
so that they'll realize how good they
are together ooh that's a great plan
yeah you know what the best part of it
is I get to do my plan
[Laughter]
laugh that's a loud but don't want to
wake up
UHS what's wrong with PBS oh what's
right with
them why don't you you like PBS feeds
okay cuz right after my mom killed
herself I was just in this really bad
place you know
personally
so I just thought that it would make me
feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street
cuz they were so nice when I was a
little
kid no one ever wrote back well you know
a lot of those Muppets don't have
thumbs all I got was a lousy keychain
and by that time I was living in a box I
didn't have
keys I'm sorry Fe I just you know I just
wanted to do a good deed like like you
did with the babies this isn't a good
deed you just want to get on TV this is
totally selfish whoa whoa whoa what
about you having those babies for your
brother talk about
selfish what what are you talking about
well yeah it was a really nice thing and
all but it made you feel really good
right yeah so well it made you feel good
so that makes it selfish look there's no
unselfish Good Deeds sorry yes there are
there are totally Good Deeds that are
selfless well may I ask for one example
yeah it's you know there's no you may
not that's because all people are
selfish are you calling me selfish are
you calling you
people yeah sorry to burst that bubble
theves but selfless Good Deeds don't
exist okay and you know the deal on
Santa Claus right I'm going to find a
selfless Good Deed I'm going to beat you
you Evil
Genius Joey listen I can't do this it
doesn't make any sense yesterday I was a
nurse and today I'm a waitress at a cafe
oh no well sometimes we use the same
extras for different parts that's okay
well it's not okay because I gave a very
memorable performance as the nurse and
now suddenly I'm the waitress that's
going to confuse my
fans um uh maybe
you are a nurse but you Moonlight as a
waitress
oh
uh-huh because I'm a single mother
supporting my two
children nice
yeah wait a minute Dr Drake raore and I
work at the same Hospital wouldn't I
come over to say hi to him no no see uh
you and Drake are having a fight about
what he slept with you and then never
called
you and I just wanted a new Daddy for
Davey and Becky
oh okay okay from the top
and action so surprised you agreed to
have lunch with me I'm surprised too but
yet here I
am cut
cut what what what are you doing yeah
well I'm very angry at him because he
slept with me and never called me back
me too me
too oh calm down she means on the show
we need some new extras around
here please don't fire my friend Ju Just
let me talk to her okay okay but this is
her last chance thank you thank you how
about I do something for you tomorrow uh
bring your hat cover up the
bald hey uh listen peeps I I was just
talking to the director and he was
thinking maybe this time you don't hit
Drake you just wait on the tables I
can't do that I'm an actor I have a
process you're a masseuse you have a
table with a hole in
it wait a minute I see what's happening
here you're threatened well yeah I'm so
good in the scene that I'm stealing
Focus from you well rise to the
challenge triani cuz I just rais the bar
come join me up here
yeah you can fire her but I would call
security she won't go
[Music]
easy I know you botched that operation
on purpose I can't prove it yet but when
I do you'll be going to jail for murder
I don't care if you are my brother I'm
not your
brother what about my children Drake huh
no no
[Applause]
no God
H thanks listen um I need to ask you
something okay you know how my stepdad's
in
prison yeah well um listen he was
supposed to get a weekend Furlow so he
could come to the wedding tomorrow but
he just called and um well apparently
stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard
just couldn't wait till
Monday so he can't come no And so
there's no one to walk me down the aisle
and um well I would just really love it
if you would do
it seriously yeah you've you know sort
of been like a dad to
me I mean you've always you know looked
out for me and shared your
wisdom I am pretty
wisdomous so what do you say are you
kidding
Phoebe I would be
honored oh thank
you I hope
I hope you know how much you mean to
me listen I
hope hope that you
know I don't want you to see your father
cry go to your room oh I know what we
can do we could set Ross and Rachel up
on horrible dates so that they'll
realize how good they are together ooh
that's a great plan yeah you know what
the best part of it is I get to do my
plan laugh
[Laughter]
that's all loud we don't want to wake up
[Applause]
uh the First Dates we've had in months
and they were both such
disasters huh you know it is weird that
Phoebe would set me up on a date that
was awful on the same night night the
Joey set you up on a date that didn't
even
show wait a minute
you you don't think it it was
intentional I mean that's just stupid
we're
Geniuses look at them look at them
they're really bonding oh yeah they're
falling in love all over
again oh they see us oh they they look
mad oh they figured it out they're
coming this way run where
Mexico oh here it is oh Joey why did you
sign it son of a
I didn't do that who would have
done that son of a okay maybe ask
this
guy you get out of my shop what what did
he do he went out with my wife
Joey well I I hey I did not go out with
your wife okay I I went out with her
that's my wife
wife get
out well we should go yeah this kiss
thing is definitely a problem Mr batty
wants to see it again on Monday man I
got to figure out what I'm doing wrong
oh okay uh one of you girls come over
here and kiss me get
it hey come on I need your help here all
right I'll do it I've kissed him before
I can do it
again see this huh this is a friend
uh-huh let's go
wa I have gun
oh
okay good very good firm but tender I'd
recommend you to a
friend then I don't know what it is
what's the problem you know maybe you're
just not used to kissing men you know
maybe you just tensed up a little bit
maybe that's what you need to work on
yeah that makes sense
Over My Dead
Body jel
CLA blue
no okay maybe if we just break it down
okay let's just let's try it one
syllable at a time okay so repeat after
me m m pel pel great okay faster
pel it's too hard I can't teach you what
are you doing I I have to go before I
put your head through a wall no no don't
go I need you my is
[Music]
tomorrow did Rachel find you no why oh
she was looking for you oh well I guess
I'll catch up with her
later well she really want to talk to
you now yeah it uh seem pretty
important oh
no
what I think I might know what this is
about
really yeah uh uh we promised we were
going to tell anybody this but
uh a about a month
ago Rachel and I slept
together
and well I thought you'd be a little
more shocked uh oh sorry
and well we we said we'd just do it that
one time but but now I I think she may
want to start things up again yeah I
don't think that's what it is
phoe's not here is she no oh great did
you get a
[Laughter]
movie
uh yeah yeah but uh I don't think it's
the kind you're going to
like you didn't get more movies that are
going to have us reaching for the
tissues all night did
you sort of
[Applause]
guys what's going on
h bab's a porn
star what you talking about here Phoebe
buet in bouet the vampire
layer my God that's pH where did you get
that well down at the adult video place
on bleer and and I saw Joey was about to
go in so I ran in ahead of him to to
surprise him and and then then I
pretended that I didn't know he was in
there wow I mean I just can't I can't
believe this you know I mean you think
you know someone even even Phoebe who's
always been somewhat of a question
mark this is so
bizarre I guess it kind of makes sense
though she you know she had such a
terrible childhood I had a terrible
childhood and I don't do
porn yes but your dead
inside all right well I better take that
back why why I can't watch that I mean
that's
Phoebe yeah you're right we can't we
shouldn't watch this absolutely not that
goes
back you know maybe a little bit how was
just the first
half hey no this is wrong you guys pho's
our friend well I'm not going to watch
it yeah good for you Joe
ah I thought I'd find you here Nas
forat buet are you going to plunge your
steak into my Dark Places actually I was
kind of hoping it would be the other way
[Music]
around hold on a second what is that on
her ankle her ankle is what you're
watching well it's hard to
tell oh God she would just stop
moving just doing her
job you sick
bastards oh it's a tattoo that's weird
phoe oh wait that's Ursula that's a
Phoebe that is
Ursula I can watch that rewind it rewind
it hey oh what's up oh my God what am I
doing
[Music]
we're going to find love
definitely yeah I'm pretty confident
about
that that's what makes it so easy for me
to be 80% happy for Monica and
Chandler it'd be nice to have a
guarantee though what do you mean well
you know some people make deals with a
friend like if neither of them are
married by the time they're 40 they
marry each other M you mean a backup
yeah exactly yeah yeah I've got that
you do mhm who Joey
Joey yeah are you serious yeah I locked
him in years
ago wait so if neither of you were
married by the time you're 40 you're
going to marry Joey yeah we shook on
it yeah but believe me that is not how
he wanted to seal the
deal oh seriously oh yeah I think his
exact words were
Charming he's just a
backup hey guys hey sweetie ready to go
yeah sure oh I left my purse up at
Monica's I'll be right back wait a
minute
on
ooh that one kept
going so you and Phoebe huh how long you
been going out over a month wow maybe uh
maybe you and I ought to get to know
each other a little better sure I'd like
that yeah so
uh what's your
name it's Jake Joey Hey Jake uh do you
like the Knicks yeah big fan me too
there's a game on Tuesday you want to go
yeah that'd be great let me make sure
I'm not doing anything Tuesday
PE Hey listen you know how uh when
you're wearing pants and you lean
forward I check out your underwear
yeah well when Jake did it I saw that he
was wearing women's underwear I know
they were
mine
oh no no wait that's
weird no it's not we were just goofing
around and I dared him to try them on
that's weird I'm wearing his briefs
right now that's kind of
hot I think so too and that little flap
great for holding my
lipstick yeah I wouldn't know about
that and you know Jake says that women's
underwear is actually more comfortable
and he loves the way the silk feels
against his skin yeah well next thing
you know it be telling you that your
high heels are good for his posture
there is nothing wrong with Jake okay he
is all man I'm thinking even more than
you oh yeah you look like a real
Lumberjack in those pink
laces I'm just saying that only a man
completely secure with his masculinity
could walk around in women's underwear I
don't think you could ever do that hey I
am secure with my masculinity okay
whatever you've seen my huge stack of
porn right
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
hey fees
hey check it
out
[Applause]
huh how much of a man am I wow nice
manly and also kind of a
you know I'm beginning to see what
Jake was talking about the silk feels
really good yeah and and things aren't
as smashed down as I thought they were
going to be it's great Joe yeah and you
have so many more choices than you do
with men's underwear bikini French cut
thong and and the Fabrics you got cotton
silk lace and you know what I've always
wondered about panty hes you know the
way they start your toe and then they go
all the way up to you
I should go take these off shouldn't I I
think it's important that you
do feel better yeah
much listen uh not that I'm you insecure
about my manhood or anything you know
but uh I think I need to hook up with a
woman like right now yeah I understand
yeah okay
hey hi hi you know you look familiar do
I know you from somewhere I don't think
so oh maybe it's because I'm on
television I'm an actor on Days of Our
Lives wow really mhm 450 please oh let
me get
this EAS it for
you well if we learned one thing today
cheese it's that cheerleaders and high
explosives don't
mix you couldn't play that again Mac
well I couldn't have done it without you
buddy you're a genius oh yeah well then
how come I can't get my VCR to stop
linking
[Laughter]
[Music]
12:00 so what do you guys think
hold on please Joe it's your mom mom
momy ni W so what did you
think
well that was um okay it wasn't the best
that was one of the worst things
ever and not just on
TV what are we going to tell him well
the the lighting was okay oh no you
don't you got lighting last time
lighting is mine I have costumes oh
great that means I'm stuck with so we
were watching you in there and you were
sitting right here
whoa hi hi hi yeah hi I'm um Phoebe buet
and I have babies coming out of me okay
have you started having attractions not
yet um I heard they really hurt do they
hurt well oh my
God and now which of you is the father
um no none of that mother father the
father is my
brother okay okay I'm so going to miss
watching you freak people out like that
okay uh beach look look this is for the
babies to look at someday so is is there
anything you want to say you know before
it all starts oh okay um hi kids um it's
me a
phibe can't wait to see you please don't
hurt
me hey what took you guys so long your
cab left when I
did we had to go back cuz I forgot my
jacket that's
right you're not wearing a
jacket oh man I did it
again okay so um we have someone has to
call Frank and Alice and then my mom
might Joey what are you doing I got to
get the before shot
hello hey where the hell have you been
hey I spent the night out I met this
cute bridesmaid she is so I I don't want
to hear about her a fees you know you're
still my number one
girl no no we have an emergency okay
Rachel's coming to London oh
great it's not great no she's coming to
tell Ross that she loves him but he
loves Emily I know that
you have to stop her she's going to ruin
the wedding
okay okay so that I've done my part okay
it's your responsibility now the burden
is off me right right so tell me about
this
girl hey have you seen Monica I'm not
seeing
Monica what
what look we we got to find her Phoebe
just called Rachel's coming to tell Ross
she loves him oh my God I know that's
why we got to find Monica do you know
where she is no okay what's with the
third degree why you shine a light my
eyes this is nice I
know you need both hands for that yeah I
kind of do yeah well how's this
[Applause]
oh look at you too holding hands is this
getting
serious I you know have you not talked
about it
yet am I making you
uncomfortable if you were bigger you'd
hit me huh
sorry I'm sorry it's obviously way too
early for us to be having that
conversation is it maybe not is it okay
when I got divorced I I didn't think I'd
feel this way about someone for a really
long time mhm then again I didn't think
I'd meet someone like you and this may
be crazy soon but I want you to have
this no not that's gum
anyway oh five
I love it when that happens you know
it's like you don't know it's there want
keep digging oh
sorry oh it's a key to be honest I think
I'd prefer the
$5 it's to my apartment oh wow oo oo big
step for Phoebe and Mike yeah look and I
don't want you to feel like you have to
give me your key just because I want to
oh thank
God yeah
wow I'm starting to think I'd never meet
someone that you know I wanted to do
this
with here you
go this is cool huh really is oh I know
it it is amazing these little things
open doors
[Music]