[English]
Gather around, glorious turd monsters,
and feast your eyes on what I hold in
this hand. The future of movement, a
hoverboard.
>> I don't understand those things. Is
walking really so hard for you?
>> Oh, Ames, walking's a nightmare.
>> Yeah, Amy.
>> Now, friends,
eat my space dust.
>> Okay. A little harder to control than I
thought. Okay, there we go. Woo! I think
I'm getting the hang of it. NO, I'M NOT.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
>> I'M DOING IT. I'M DOING IT. [applause]
>> YOU GOT THIS.
>> NO, I do NOT GOT THIS, TERRY. DON'T LET
GO OF ME. THE FUTURE of movement IS NOW.
>> HEY, you guys see the dude I brought in
today? The drug dealer. 81 years old. I
think it's the oldest collar of my
entire career. I once arrested a
96-year-old for flashing. I was
terrified he'd die in my back seat or
flash me. My oldest caller was 78, but
the PCP made her fight like she was 20.
>> What about two 50-year-old twins? Does
that count as a 100-year-old?
>> No good.
>> No.
>> You're talking oldest bags? 68.
>> That's not that old.
>> Yeah, but I was only 20.
>> 20? Were you even a cop then?
>> No, man. It was before I got into the
academy.
>> Charles isn't talking about his oldest
arrest.
Ew. [screaming]
>> No. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yeah. Oldest
arrest. 68. LIKE I SAID,
>> GOD, YOU HAD sex with a 68-year-old when
you were in your 20s.
>> You know how it is when you have a
chance at bed an older woman. You
>> No, that is not an older woman. That's
an old woman. That's someone's grandma.
>> She was actually That's how I met her.
Was college with her grandson Marvin.
Don't Don't knock it to your She had a
replacement hip with some serious
torque.
>> It's like having sex with a transformer.
>> That is no one's fantasy. All right,
here's where we stand. This nightclub is
the home base for the Merit Crime
Syndicate. I've been tracking the club
owner, Vladimir Droic, aka the dragon,
aka my first per with a cool nickname.
>> What about Elbaboso, the dagger?
>> Yeah, it turns out Rosa was lying about
that. Elbaboso actually means the slug.
>> Donto, that means dumb dumb.
>> It was very cruel. I referred to myself
as Elaboso to several beautiful Latina
ladies.
>> Oh, that's your type, isn't it, Jakey?
Like Sophia and Okay. Okay. Anyway, the
dragon is involved in several counts of
human trafficking as well as I'm sorry,
what's going on? Who are you?
>> Trxil with the organized crime unit. I'm
here for the mayor case materials.
>> Oh, are you? Well, we'll see what my
captain has to say about this.
>> Thank you for taking the materials.
>> Make sure you also pick up the files
that are on Peralta's desk.
>> Wow, that is not how I saw it playing
out. Sir, I thought you said this was my
case.
>> I gave you two weeks. I'm done fending
off the organized crime unit squad.
Since Peralta's briefing was cut short,
you can all use this time to clean up
your desks. Look at this place.
Halfeaten food, crumpled tissues,
pictures of your families.
>> What's wrong with pictures?
>> If you love someone, you'll remember
what they look like.
>> What is this
>> rubber band ball?
>> Keep your bands in a box or a bag. Since
you all apparently have time to play
throw, I'm canceling overtime for the
month effective immediately. Get to work
and deball these bands
>> for you
and you and you.
>> What are these?
>> These, madam, are STDs.
>> What are you talking about, buddy?
>> STDs. Save the dates for Vivian and my
wedding.
>> Ah, yes. Hey, just out of curiosity, how
many people have you given STDs to?
>> Lots. Like a hundred.
What's going on?
>> Uh oh. Okay, I get it. STD has another
meaning. You're gross. No one else is
going to think that.
>> Everyone is going to think that. But
it's sweet that your mind didn't go
there.
>> Thank you. It is kind of sweet.
>> Will your first dance be to you give me
fever?
>> Will you be serving crabs at the
reception?
>> Do you have herpes?
>> Guys, this is my wedding. This is
important to me. No more jokes.
>> You're right. And we're sorry.
>> Yes,
>> we love you, buddy. Warts and all.
Sorry, I made a rash decision. I was
itching to say it. Okay, I'm done.
[laughter]
I have an STD.
>> So, just RSVP or
>> Yeah, the number's right on the streets.
>> Great. Okie do. The car's picking me and
Amy up in 2 minutes. You sure you're
cool keeping tabs on my cases while I'm
on the cruise?
>> You bet. I hope you have a great time.
Hey, don't make any new best friends.
[laughter]
>> Maybe you shouldn't go.
>> Are you kidding? I am psyched to go on
this weekl long cruise just sitting
around doing nothing. Straight up living
that slug life, y'all. Cruise
itineraries hot off a laminator. Who's
ready for some non-stop totally
scheduled fun?
>> Oh, I actually thought we could just sit
by the pool, eat unlimited shrimp, and
see what it does to our bodies.
>> That's cute. I don't know if there's
going to be time, though. The cruise
offers 77 activities, and I signed us up
for 76 of them. Speed dating for widows
seemed like a bummer.
>> Okay, so slightly different perspectives
going into this cruise. Call it the slug
life talking, but I think it's going to
work itself out. Goodbye co-workers, or
as they like to say it, se
Jake, will you join me in Terry's
office?
>> Oh, private rendevous, huh? This whole
trying to make a baby thing has got you
super freaky. Terry, what's up, dude?
>> What did you think was happening?
>> He clearly thought you were going to
have secret sex in here.
>> What? Inappropes much? I did not think
that. Amy did. She texted me about it.
See, proof. Anyway, what's up,
Lieutenant?
>> Santiago and I are going to an
administration workshop for the NYPD.
>> And it's voluntary, so only the cool
kids are going to be there.
>> Love you so much. Continue. Anyways,
you're in charge for the day.
>> Oh boy, here comes the lecture. Be
responsible, Jake. Don't do anything
crazy or fun.
>> There's no lecture. I trust you.
>> Oh, but there always used to be a
lecture.
>> Yeah, well, you're not the same
immature, rebellious kid you used to be.
Didn't you and Amy just buy a
familyfriendly midsize sedan
>> in a rebellious color, champagne, which
is an alcohol. And let's not forget, I
wanted to have sex in your office just
now.
>> Yeah. To have a baby and become a
father.
>> He turned it around on me.
>> It's not bad that I trust you more now.
Plus, there's not even that much for you
guys to do today. I mean, the squad is
on reserve parade duty. Your job is to
sit around.
>> Good point. Besides, what's the worst
thing a responsible guy like me COULD
DO.
>> BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS, EVERYONE. THE JIMMY
JAB GAMES ARE BACK.
>> CAREFUL. You only get one shot at this
crawl.
>> Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. I
saw the first 15 minutes of the Hurt
Locker.
>> Hurry. The stench is too much. We got to
get those shoes out of here. How much
time do we have?
>> Skully ate his Popey 30 minutes ago, so
we probably got 10 minutes left on this
nap. 12 if he's turkey tired.
All right, come up.
It's trapped. Abort mission. I have an
idea.
[sighs]
Let's send these shoes to hell.
>> Oh, wait. Yeah, it just smells worse
than before. Oh,
>> abort. We've busted murderers. We've
taken down cartels. But today, we face
the worst New York has to offer. The
fire department.
Fire marshal. Boom. We meet again.
>> Detective Peralta. Your flies down. I
made you look.
>> I didn't look. And I'm wearing shorts.
There is no fly.
>> That's not what your mom said.
>> You make no sense.
>> And now I'm inside your head.
>> Prepare to die.
>> 52.
AND you dream.
[cheering]
[screaming]
>> You don't have to dance every time.
>> True, but I choose to dance every time.
>> You have one play. You give the ball to
Jeff and he runs it in. I I'd like to
see you score one.
>> Good. Cuz you're about to see it. You're
about to see it straight to hell.
>> Now, Terry,
>> I did it. I did it alone.
>> I'm the KING OF THE WORLD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, welcome to the
most anticipated event in this
precinct's history, the auction for
>> the suitcase of mystery.
>> Exactly, Jacob. This puppy's been in the
lost and found since 1976.
No one alive today knows its contents.
I'm happy to say Captain Holt has
finally given me permission to auction
it off.
>> I'll let you give me a spray tan. Any
shade you want,
>> Jake? Willing to sacrifice his dignity.
Who can top it?
>> Massage. I'll give you a massage.
>> Charles going in the wrong direction and
getting himself disqualified.
Interesting approach. Orange Jake going
once. Going twice.
>> I'll show you a picture of me in high
school. There is side pony. Ooh, Rosa
coming in hot. Rosa coming in hot.
>> I'll also give you full control of my
hair and wardrobe. I'll go on a date
with you.
>> Sold to Jake, not to Skullie. That
really freaked me out and I just want
this to end now.
So, there's this suitcase. I don't care.
Yeah.
>> Hey, Gina, we got an anonymous gift
basket. Yeah. It's full of treats. It's
got meats, cheeses, candies, all the
food groups. The cheese is amazing. It
melts in my mouth and in my hands.
>> H French chocolates, French cheeses,
tiny French pickles. Did none of you
detectives think this might be a gift
for Captain Halt from someone in France?
Like his husband Pomp,
>> what? [laughter]
No way. This is a nice present from an
unknown appreciative citizen that wanted
us to munch.
>> What's this then? Dear Captain Raymond
Holt, thinking of you best, Dr. Kevin
Cosner, PhD. He even used their pet
names.
>> Oh no, I ate the chocolate covered
strawberry. That's the most intimate
snack of them all. Hold's going to be
back from his meeting in 30 minutes.
What do we do?
>> Eat the note
>> now.
>> No, it's okay. We can fix this.
>> Check it out, sir. A lovely gift basket
that Kevin sent you all the way from
Paris.
>> Straight from Paris.
stapler,
scissors,
rubber bands.
>> That man really knows me. [laughter]
>> Pigeon's still here.
>> Yeah, no matter what we do, he just
won't leave. The problem is you're
thinking like detectives.
>> No, I'm definitely not.
>> When you should be thinking like a bird.
This is operation saving private pigeon.
On my mark, I will turn on this fan,
gently startling our bird due east into
the filebox canyon where he will
encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together, forcing
Private Pigeon into the ceiling there
and out of the ceiling there, where he
will be greeted by scary Rosa holding a
scary picture of an owl. Now he's
playing our game. He'll veer left into
an upside down garbage can propped up by
a hockey stick and connected to a string
that Gina is holding. She pulls it. He's
trapped and Terry releases him outside.
>> Terry hates birds.
>> Okay, little friend. Let's get you home
to mama.
>> Oh god, IT FLEW RIGHT INTO THE FAN. IT'S
EVERYWHERE. THERE'S PIGEON EVERYWHERE.
[screaming]
May I present to you the Suicide Squad?
Hang on there, genius. You want us your
enemies to help you bring down
Commissioner Kelly?
>> You guys consider me your enemy? You're
some of my best friends. We haven't
talked to you in like 3 years, CJ.
>> Wait. Yeah, I'm thinking of different
guys.
>> Oh, Raymond. That you came to me to ask
for help shows how much you've matured.
You know what else shows how much you've
matured? Your withered face.
>> Now I know why you refer to this as a
suicide squad, Peralta. Because I
already want to kill myself.
>> Why don't you wait a week? You probably
die of old age.
>> The only way I'm going to die is if you
touch me with one of your bony fingers
and drag me across the river sticks, you
reaper.
>> Ah, wonderful. Very creative. Look, John
Kelly has to be stopped. He's spying on
civilians. It's unconstitutional and
it's wrong.
>> Please. Do you think any one of these
jackals cares about what's right or
wrong? I'll help.
>> See, sir, there is good in every person,
but I want it to be known for selfish
reasons.
>> Why would you want that to be known?
>> Well, cuz I never met CJ before, and I
want him to think that I'm cool.
>> It's working. I mean, I love how you're
taking over the room. [laughter]
>> Yeah, that's awesome.
>> You know, I actually wouldn't mind
getting rid of John Kelly either. That
guy makes up so many dumb rules. He told
me I couldn't eat raw chicken. And you
think a new commissioner will
>> Yeah, he's already on board. So, yes, a
new commissioner would let you eat raw
chicken for whatever reason.
>> It's healthier.
>> It sure is. Siege.
>> And what do you hope to get out of this,
Madlin? Let me guess. Revenge on Dorothy
for killing your sister.
>> I want the same as you, Raymond. I think
what John Kelly is doing is terrible.
>> Yes. Well said, one. So, we're all on
board. This is exciting. Let's bring it
in. Huh? Suicide Squad on three. Ready?
One, two.
>> I don't touch other dudes hands.
>> Whose hand is sticky?
>> Oh, that might be me. I ate a popsicle
earlier.
>> It's probably Meline. Cockroaches
release a mucousl like secretion.
>> You would know about roaches. You roach.
>> AND THREE, SUICIDE SQUAD. Thanks
everybody for coming out to Hitchcock's
divorce party.
>> Why is the cake two men getting married?
>> That's me and Hitchcock. The boys are
back together.
>> This cake is for a gay wedding. The
inside is a rainbow.
>> Nuh-uh. It's my favorite flavor. All the
flavors.
>> I can't believe Bethy's gone. It was so
out of the blue.
>> Well, not entirely. I mean, she did have
an affair with her hairdresser and you
filmed it and threatened to release the
tape and then she said she didn't care
and put it on the internet herself. And
then when it started to make money, you
sued her for half the profits
>> and then boom, out of the blue, divorce
papers.
>> Ah, buddy, you'll be okay.
>> It doesn't feel like it. My heart is
ruined forever. I'm done with love. I'll
never find anyone who's Oh my god. Get a
load of the can on her.
>> You see a dorks? I'm going to get some.
Well, Hitchcock still sucks.
>> Happy turkey day.
>> Yes. Right out of the gate.
>> What? What's going on?
>> We're playing boil bingo Thanksgiving
edition.
>> Everyone filled out their cards with
possible Charles related scenarios.
First bingo gets 100 bucks.
>> I had boil calls at turkey day in the
center square.
Boil explains that they ate lobsters at
the first Thanksgiving. They did. Back
in that time, they called lobsters ocean
bugs. And I'll just mark it off for you.
>> I think I got the winning card here.
Boille tells us that he played
Pocahontas in his third grade play.
>> All the girls were too big.
>> This is a fun one. Boille says gobble
gobble gobble.
>> Well, now that I know you want me to say
that, I'll just say it with two gobbles.
>> Gobble gobble
>> gobble. God, it just it just sounds
right that way. I don't like this game.
>> Boil objects to boil bingo.
>> Come on, guys.
>> Boil says, "Come on, guys. That's two
for Terry."
>> Well, guess what? I can spoil your
little game by sitting over here quietly
all day and doing nothing.
>> Anybody have Boil falls on the floor?
>> No one. That's a victory. That's a
victory for Boil. Boom.
>> Boil.
>> He's here. Boil's here.
>> This is so fun. I wish you guys got shot
more often.
>> Back in the 99.
[cheering]
>> Welcome back, detective.
>> Wow. Is this all for me? Of course it
is. What are you wearing there, buddy?
>> Oh, none of my pants fit over my butt
cast. Lucky for me, my mom lent me her
leg warmers.
>> That is lucky.
>> Pretty sweet scooter.
>> Oh, yeah. I know. Check out these
donuts.
>> Oh, that went terribly. Can I help you
with something?
>> Nope. Nope. Everything's under control.
I picked up a couple reacher grabbers.
>> Yep.
>> So, I'm able to do everything that I
used to do. So now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go make myself a morning
cup of coffee like I do every day.
>> Okay, let's get problem.
>> All right,
>> the heart is the hardest part.
>> Let me get that for you, Bo.
>> No need. No need at all. That's sweet,
Rosa. Here we go.
>> Hey, uh, hey, Charles, just take my
coffee. It's fresh.
>> Okay, I guess. I mean, if you don't
mind.
>> All right, you got it.
>> All righty.
>> No problem. Why wouldn't you just USE
YOUR OTHER HAND?
>> HOT COFFEE IN MY CAST. [laughter]
>> Cold milk. Cold milk.
>> Oh, it's coming out the bottle.
>> It is coming out the bottom.
>> Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh,
boy?
>> Yeah, I know. I'm spoiling myself, but
I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten
that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?
>> Wait, [music] Jake's in prison? Yeah, he
and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank
robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins.
>> Oh, right. And where's Gina?
>> On maternity leave. We were all at her
baby shower last week.
>> Okay. And why am I bleeding?
>> I don't know, Hitchcock.
>> Oh, so you don't have all the answers.
I'm bleeding because my piece of crap
son-in-law bit me.
>> Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which
is why we have to keep working the case.
There has to be some way to exonerate
him.
>> I've been looking, but I can't find
anything and I don't know what to do.
>> I can't find anything and I don't know
what to do. title of your sex tape.
>> What is happening right now?
>> They caught Hawkins trying to flee the
country. She confessed to everything and
they let me out.
>> Oh my god, Jake. Is it really you? Are
you really here?
>> You know it, baby. But first, I got to
hug my best friend.
>> What?
>> Welcome back, Peralta. I just heard from
the mayor to apologize for what happened
to you. They're sending you to Disney
World. You and one male guest. [music]
>> As long as I don't have to go on any of
the scary rides, I just go for the
shows.
>> Boil. Boil, [screaming] BOIL, BOIL,
BOIL, BOIL,
>> BOIL. Were you dreaming ABOUT JAKE
AGAIN?
>> WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP? I TOLD YOU NEVER
TO WAKE ME UP.
>> OH, hello guys. Guys, guys, check it
out. Hitchcock fell asleep in the break
room, so I put his hand in a bowl of
warm water.
>> Come on, man. That's the stupidest prank
ever.
>> Uh, no. It's the smartest because it
involves biology. I bet it worked
already. Let's go, Jack.
HITCHCOCK, NO.
>> HE'S DROWNING. HE'S DROWNING.
>> SAVE HIM, [screaming] MAN. [groaning]
>> Take it back, Jake. Great prank.
>> Listen up, everyone. While Captain
Holt's out of town at his conference,
I'm in charge. [music] Which means,
Jake, I order you to throw out that
gingerbread house. It's from Christmas.
>> Fine, but you're going to be leaving a
lot of ants with no home.
>> CHECK IT OUT, LOSERS. GUESS WHO got
their dealer?
>> Nice. How'd it go down? We chased him
through a subway tunnel, back up through
a storm drain. Adrian and I got engaged,
and then we busted him with half a kilo
of coke in his sock.
>> Wait, wait, wait.
>> What did you just say?
>> It was in his sock. These dummies, they
never [clears throat] think we're going
to check their socks.
>> No, before that, weirdo. The getting
engaged part.
>> Oh, yeah. We got engaged.
>> Engaged. Engaged.
>> Yeah.
>> As in to be wet.
>> Yeah.
>> Seriously?
>> Yeah.
>> Amazing. We want dates. Tell us
everything. I don't want to toot my own
horn or anything, but it was super
romantic.
>> You follow. I'll cut him off in the
alley.
>> Okay. Wait. You want to get married?
>> Yep.
>> Everyone, check your email. The greatest
thing that could ever happen has just
happened. [music]
>> The girl who beat you for high school
valadictorian died?
>> No. Kevin Cosner requests your presents
at Raymond's birthday party.
>> Who's Kevin Cosner? Is he the star of
Dan's with Wolves? He's Captain Holt's
husband. Captain Raymond Holt. We're
invited to the captain's birthday party.
>> Oh, the captain's party and whatnot.
>> I can't wait to see the inside of
Raymond's house. I'm going to learn
everything there is to know about him.
>> I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and
the Beast fancy.
>> No, it's probably just an empty white
cube with a USB port in it for him to
plug his finger in when he's on sleep
mode.
>> Apparently, my husband Kevin has invited
you all to my party. There's very little
street parking, no gifts, no singing of
happy birthday. Should be fun.
Sounds fantastic.
>> Did you hear that? His husband invited
us, not him. He so doesn't want us
there.
>> Yes, he does.
>> It was kind of a lastm minute invite.
Just stirring the pot.
>> Why wouldn't Hol want us there?
>> Because he thinks we're going to
embarrass him in front of his husband,
which frankly is insulting.
>> Oh man, all the orange soda spilled out
of my cereal. [snorts]
It's happening again. Rosa. Rosa
Hitchcock fell asleep in the break room.
I pranked him. I tied his shoelaces
together.
>> He's 38 years old, dude.
>> I know. And yet my pranks still stay so
fresh. It's incredible.
>> Got to untie his shoes before he gets
hurt.
>> Seriously?
>> Seriously.
>> Fine. But what's the worst thing that
could happen?
>> HE'S BEING STRANGLED TO DEATH.
[screaming]
>> ALL RIGHT, JEFFERS. WHAT'S THIS MEETING
ALL ABOUT? I've got a full workload
today.
>> I didn't call it. I thought you [music]
did. What? I did no such thing.
>> So, if neither of you called it, then
who did?
Go.
>> Sheila, that was awesome. Okay, just
stay here. Wow, I can't believe I
executed that to perfection.
>> That was amazing.
>> Gina, what's this all about?
>> I wanted to make one final grand
entrance.
>> Final? What do you mean?
>> I've decided to leave the 99, which is
why
>> Oh, okay.
I'm handing in my two weeks notice.
>> I don't understand. What are you going
to do?
>> I'm not sure. But Jake convinced me it
was time to start a new chapter. It was
time to spread my wings and fly. I'm an
angel. I'm an angel. I'm an angel.
>> This is crazy. I can't imagine a 99
without you.
>> Don't worry. I have a parting gift for
all of you. I printed Time for Gina's
opinion hoodies for you with your names
on them. There you go.
>> Oh, that's fun. And so like time for
Jake's opinion.
>> What are you insane? No, it says time
for Gina's opinion in large text on the
back and then your names are stitched
really tiny on the front. I had to guess
at some of the spellings,
>> Arie.
>> But that's not all. Over the next two
weeks, I will be leaving each of you
with a signature Gina moment. Something
so shocking that it will stay with you
for the rest of your lives. Much like
this interpretive dance piece entitled
The Lexit.
This dance will be performed in four
movements. Each one expressing one
aspect of my personality.
Awesome. Was that the first movement?
>> What are you crazy? No, that's the
warm-up. Each movement is 45 minutes.
>> Oh, damn.
>> Hit it.
>> Santiago, your test result from the
sergeant's exam has arrived.
>> Oo. Everybody make room. Amy needs
adequate space to do her signature dork
dance.
>> I don't know if there's going to be a
dork dance. And look how small that
envelope is. That's not a big good news
envelope. That's a little bad news
envelope.
>> What? That's nuts. Sarge, tell her
envelope size doesn't matter.
>> If I'm being honest, I got a much bigger
envelope.
>> Oh god.
>> Unhelpful, Terry. Very unhelpful.
>> Mine was bigger, too.
>> Okay, I just won't ever open it. That
way, I'll never get rejected.
>> Fine, I'll open it.
>> No.
>> Nope.
>> Do it harder.
>> I opened it. You passed.
>> Oh my god. I'm going to be a surgeon.
>> You're going TO BE A SERGEANT?
>> YES.
>> Oh no, it's happening.
>> Yeah,
>> that's my future wife.
So,
>> tell me when to tell me when to tell me
when Tell me when
the hell,
>> man. They forgot my pico together.
[music]
>> I can't believe they're waxing the
floors and we're all stuck in here. I've
never seen them do this before.
>> They do it once a month. We just never
been on the night shift.
>> I know. It's like we're being punished.
We are for going to Florida.
>> I don't listen to so much stuff you all
say.
>> Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you.
You look out there and see a problem. I
look out there and see an opportunity.
I'm going to slide on that slippery
floor all the way from Holt's office to
the elevator. You're going to do the
FBP.
>> That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the full
bullpen.
Here we go.
We can build this together. [music]
Standing strong forever. Nothing's going
to stop us [music] now. And if this
world runs out of numbers, [music]
we'll still have each other. Nothing's
[singing] going to stop us. Nothing
[music]
stop us.
>> The full bullpen. [screaming]