– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

I don't get it.

What's scary about a giant cupcake?

We're not doing scary this year.

All right, well, heads up.

We're doing crap your pants scary on account of the contest.

So I just hope we don't offend you over here in Candyland.

What contest?

Oh, it's something we started in the old neighborhood.

If you're into it, you, uh, chip in 20 bucks and scariest house

on the street wins the pot.

Not actual pot. I'd have to see a prescription for that.

Wait. You're not...?

No. For the 12th time, I'm not a cop.

Well, you're not gonna offend me with your little decorations.

Please know that this, is Phil. When I'm in charge,

It's terrifying. - Oh.

I'll bet you give all the other soccer moms a good scare with that pin, that says boo.

You are so lucky that I have to go to work today.

Or I would show you scary. I would win your little contest.

You don't know what you're up against.

We don't let preggos or people with heart trouble past our front gate.

A couple years ago, we scared a man into the hospital almost to death.

Well.

Since you got an excuse, Princess.

Looks like my winning streak will carry on.

Might even win at the old house too.

We left that place pretty scary.

No. No! This doesn't look real at all.

Alex, where's that blood you were using this morning on your finger?

Running through my veins. Keeping me alive.

Here comes dad. He's gonna be all like, "No!

What did you do? Where's Awesomeland?"

No! What did you do? Where's Awesomeland?

Are you from the future?

Phil, honey, honey, we've had a little change of plans.

Why?

What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?

That obnoxious Ronnie was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle his decorations.

'Cause he's trying to win the scariest house on the street contest,

and I was like, not only can I handle your decorations, I'm gonna win that contest.

So welcome to the insane asylum from hell.

That's what it feels like.

Come on. It's gonna be fun. The kids are gonna be deranged mental patients,

and I am going to be a sadistic nurse.

And you are a demented doctor.

20 years of no. But for this, you'll dress like a nurse.

- Oh, no. - Come on.

Of course. The woman is the nurse and the man is the doctor.

That kind of thinking, that's what's scary.

Tap out. It's a holiday.

You know, I put a lot of time and energy into my thing.

But you just shut it all down to prove something to people that we

barely know and don't even like.

Phil, Ronnie made fun of Awesomeland.

- He called it Candyland. - So?

Stupidville.

Dumbburg.

Who cares what he thinks?

Maybe someday you'll care what I think.

You really think it's appropriate to be strapping your teenage daughter to a gurney?

If we win, it is.

I may have to take a pee break soon.

Here, use this bedpan. I'm kidding.

That's gross. I put candy in it.

Here.

Luke.

Luke!

I think I fell asleep.

This thing is like a Temple Grandin hug.

Haley, sweetie. Uh, gown's on backwards.

Oh, no. It's cuter this way.

Sexy people go crazy, too, you know.

Read a People magazine.

Huh.

Phil, you're not even gonna try on your doctor costume?

Nope.

But we're gonna win. Doesn't that make you happy?

Do I look happy?

You got a problem, lady. This obsessive need to be dark and scary.

You can't even stop yourself.

I can stop whenever I want.

Well, I'm not getting sucked in.

I'm having the Halloween that I wanted.

Cover you up.

All right, now I just want to run through this really quick with everybody.

Um, first, it's trick or treat, and then...

- Phil? - "Come in, if you dare."

Right. And then dad does the thunder and the lightning and the fog.

Usher the children in past Alex in her cage.

I'm in a cage?

Yes, you're in a house of horrors.

Being held against your will.

Yeah, I know. So why do we need the cage?

And then Gloria pops up as the evil village bruja.

And she says, "welcome to your nightmare!"

And then Cam and Haley do their thing.

Kids get their candy, they are ushered out.They think it's all over, but it's not.

Because out on the porch, the scarecrow pops to life.

Wow. For one final. Ah! And that's Mitchell.

You're the scarecrow.

Oh, no. No, I was in a costume all day.

It was awful.

It's nothing compared to when I was...

- You don't own bad Halloweens. - Don't I?

We get it, Cam. Hard day. Mitchell, please.

The costume's in the kitchen. Come on.

Okay, everybody. Our first victims.

This is not a rehearsal. You ready?

You ready?

Yes, yes.

Okay.

Come in if you dare.

- Dad! - Huh?

Oh, let me see.

Thank you for joining us on our...

No, no, no. First, the thunder and the lightning.

Yeah, right, I got it.

Perfect.

Thank you for joining us on our special night.

Other children haven't fared so well.

Welcome to your nightmare. Ha ha ha ha.

What the hell is that?

Uh, can we just get our candy?

Okay, but beware of the fog, for you might not be able to see ahead.

Boo!

Timmy started running. I wanted to run, too, but my hunch got stuck on a rosebush.

And that's when I fell. I fell hard.

I can see his feet.

Okay. Here, here, children, have some candy.

Happy Halloween. Ah! Okay. That was bad.

That was a bad start. Uh, first of all, Dad.

Thunder, lightning, fog cue. And we skipped Alex altogether.

And, Gloria?

Since when do you speak English?

Oh, so now you have a problem with the way I speak?

Like father like daughter in this dog eat dog family.

Trick or treat.

Okay. Places, places.

- Good. Mitchell is standing in his place. - Honey.

I love you so much.

Not now, not now.

Come in if you dare.

- Dad? Dad! - What? Oh, right. Right.

- Phil it's you. - No!

Dad. Fog. Fog.

Thank you for joining us on our special night.

Other children haven't fared so well.

[Unenthusiastically] Ah. Help me. Help me.

Welcome to your nightmare. Ho ho ho!

Now your treats are over here, but with all the fog, you may not be able to see ahead.

And everyone was screaming. "That's him!

Get Quasimodo!" And then the townspeople started chasing me.

And that's when I wet my pants.

I wet my pants. I wet my pants.

This place is weird. Let's go.

Okay. Come on.

Come on. Oh, son of a...

What is wrong with everyone?

Cam?

Townspeople, really?

I lived on a farm. They lived in town. They were the townspeople.

Hey, Dad!

Dad! It goes lightning! Thunder! Fog cue!

This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.

I'm not done. So not done. Look, here's the thing.

We, we have fireworks at Christmas now, because that's what they do in Colombia.

I don't mind.

Thanksgiving. That used to be me roasting a turkey until the gays

took it over with whatever new turkey

cooking craze it is that you saw on the Food Network. And I'm fine with that too.

All I ask,

all I ask is that you leave me Halloween.

Yeah, Halloween. I realize it is a crazy ass holiday for a

grown woman to care about this much,

but it is my crazy ass holiday.

Mine.

Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard?

And why do they taste so bad?

Because they're made out of cardboard, mouth breather.

Hey, the world needs more dreamers, Luke.

Never stop licking things.

I know it's lame, but after last year, we promised the neighbors we would

keep our decorations more

family friendly.

We can't even carve a pumpkin?

The petition was very specific.

Every Halloween, we have the best house.

Last year I took things to a whole new level, but apparently it was too scary for some kids

and one adult.

Trick or treat.

Would you like some candy?

Yeah!

Or would you rather have this?

Come on.

You're fine.

I don't care what anyone says. You did not give that man a heart attack.

Thank you.

I mean, you're not even scary.

Hello?

Hey, honey.

Hi. How's your open house?

Pretty empty. Actually, I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter.

Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom.

How Hufflepuff is that?

It's pretty lonely here, too.

We've been shunned by the whole neighborhood.

That's ridiculous. All over some mild little gag you pulled?

It was not mild. There was an investigation.

Shh.

Oh, I thought I heard someone.

I guess it was just trees tapping against the window.

It's pretty creepy over here in this rattly old house.

I'll fill you in at the staff meeting after Keneally's done telling us about his morning commute.

That's hilarious. You sound just like him.

You are so doing that at Christmas talent night.

Dude. Rich girl. Sara smile. Then a Man Eater encore.

It was scary how good they were.

Close your eyes. It could have been the real band.

Yeah, he got lucky in the football pool once, and now he wants to double the stakes.

Oh, I'm so scared. Right?

Trick or treat! [Screaming]

I wasn't really that scared.

Okay.

In ten minutes, you're gonna storm the office.

Everybody freaks out, I go Wonder Woman, fight off the zombies.

Got it.

Okay, my kids may be over it, but at the office, they love Halloween Claire.

It's one of the perks of working at Pritchett's Closets.

Sure. You got a pitch in for coffee the rest of the year, but on October 31st,

the show is free.

Hey!

Uh, everyone's on their way here to the meeting.

Great.

Oh, so no costume this year?

Apparently not.

Good call. Everyone was so sick of it.

The pressure to dress up. You know, they begged me to talk to you.

But I said no. Claire will realize how miserable everybody is.

No-nobody.

I want to drink your...

We don't have to do it anymore.

Oh. Thank God!

You know...

I cried in the mirror this morning.

Guys. Everybody. It's over. The whole thing is finally over.

Don't worry.

Yeah, I'm just gonna need a quick second.

No, no, no. Stop it. Stop it. Go!

So if you could just, uh, take your attention to the screen, please.

And, for the market research. Please. Nobody wants this.

Oh, she's surprising us. It's a zombie attack.

- Yay! - Yay!

Oh, but it's Wonder Woman to the rescue.

Help me, Wonder Woman, help me!

Okay.

Fun's over. Come on, everybody else.

Oh, okay! All right! Take it. Take it out!

God, I am so sorry.

Phil? Honey?

Claire. There's no sense in hiding it.

I did buy a giant pumpkin.

I puzzled that one out.

You're right.

I'm a Halloween obsessed child-man.

Do you want to feel better? I took zombies to work.

Okay? And it died so hard. Oh, my God, to be pitied by Margaret.

Yes. The kids are right. It's time for us to start acting like adults.

We can have dinner parties, see plays.

Open IRAs.

We have IRAs, right?

Rude awakening, Claire. You think you're the fun loving dad.

Putting smiles on faces, keeping childhood alive.

Turns out you're just the weird guy barreling down the driveway in a pumpkin tank.

Phil, I command you to stop speaking like that.

Please let me have my feelings for one second.

No. Come on, turn around. Seriously. It's good.

Wonder Woman?

Yes. And I have plans for you.

Who cares what anybody thinks?

Screw the kids. Screw everybody at work.

We'll give up Halloween when we are good and ready.

Who are you guys supposed to be?

Who your parents wish they were.

As families get older, you have two options.

You can force everyone together, or you can accept the traditions die

and people move on.

Unless you happen to have a giant pumpkin.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We got the hint. It wasn't going to be fun unless we were

here too so we tracked our phones.

Cam says the record for the North American 50-yard pumpkin dash is 18 seconds.

I think we can do it.

Oh, I know we can do it.

- Let's do it. - Time us.

- Okay. - Okay!

You can do it!

- Beat that 18 seconds! - Go! Go! Go!

You're so close!

Come on! You can beat it!

Okay. Did we do it? Was it 18 seconds?

Five minutes.

Still close!

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
scary /ˈskɛri/ A1	adjective - causing fear or alarm
contest /ˈkɒntɛst/ A2	noun - a competition to win something
offend /əˈfɛnd/ B1	verb - to upset or annoy someone
decorations /ˌdɛkəˈreɪʃənz/ A2	noun - items used to make something look more attractive
terrifying /ˈtɛrɪfaɪɪŋ/ B1	adjective - extremely frightening
obsessive /əbˈsɛsɪv/ B2	adjective - showing an unhealthy interest in something
deranged /dɪˈreɪndʒd/ C1	adjective - mentally ill or mad
sadistic /səˈdɪstɪk/ C1	adjective - getting pleasure from hurting others
demented /dɪˈmɛntɪd/ C1	adjective - mentally ill or mad
rehearsal /rɪˈhɜrsəl/ B1	noun - a practice performance
usher /ˈʌʃər/ B2	verb - to show someone where to go
bruja /ˈbruːhɑː/ B2	noun - a witch (Spanish)
nightmare /ˈnaɪtˌmɛər/ A2	noun - a frightening dream
investigation /ɪnˌvɛstɪˈɡeɪʃən/ B2	noun - a formal inquiry into something
tradition /trəˈdɪʃən/ A2	noun - a long-established custom
zombies /ˈzɒmbiːz/ B1	noun - fictional undead creatures
perks /pɜrks/ B1	noun - extra benefits
pitch /pɪtʃ/ B1	verb - to present an idea or product
mild /maɪld/ A2	adjective - not severe or strong
gag /ɡæɡ/ B1	noun - a joke or prank