– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Hey, I'm Andrew Santino and this is my last meal.

Every person has exactly two things in common:

We all gotta eat and we're all gonna die.

Today's guest is an actor, comedian, and podcaster

who you might recognize from "Bad Friends,"

"Ricky Stanicky," and "Dave."

He's got a new comedy special out on Hulu

called "White Noise,"

and he's a 2028 Olympic gymnast hopeful

under the tutelage of Coach Hoot Tutooty.

Andrew Santino, welcome to the show.

Dude!

Hoot Tutooty!

What a good callback.

They have been called controversial by some,

abusive by others. Yeah, yeah.

He refuses to stop smoking inside the gym.

Are you worried that he won't be allowed

in the Olympic Training Center?

No, because here's the deal.

In this modern age that we're living in,

most people are getting tested for steroids

or performance enhancing drugs.

Yeah.

Hoot's methods are the opposite.

Yeah. Destroy the body,

ruin the self.

Then you become the real athlete

you've always wanted to become.

Well, hey man, thanks for coming on "Last Meals."

Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

I've seen almost all of these episodes.

No shit?

Some of them I like more than others.

Some of the people I knew.

Who picked the worst meal?

Who did all cereal? What's wrong with me?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Get out here, dude.

Oh man, you have watched it.

You have watched them all.

What are you doing? All cereal?

When I'm super stoned,

and I come home at night from doing shows,

I will eat a whole box of cereal.

I respect that.

Golden Graham's are probably my like usual go-to.

If I'm feeling wild, I'll get the Reese's,

the peanut butter, the little Reese's Peanut Butter.

But that's disgusting.

You feel the film on your teeth.

Uh-huh, yeah, they're all just spray-coated with oil.

God, dude. Good, who cares?

I don't care.

Have you thought about your last meal?

I hope they're not seed oils.

Sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't do that.

I thought you were having a convulsive thing,

and you were, but it was in the service of...

We've gotta get rid of seed oils out of cereal.

All right, dude. Eat 'em while you can.

It's a little late.

Isn't it a little late for us to be doing all this?

Like, it's over. Can't we wrap this up?

We should be eating the worst stuff.

When you say, "It's over," what do you mean, "It's over?"

This! This? All of this?

This is fake. Yeah, I guess.

Speed up that rock.

You know they say that something's gonna come and get us?

Yeah. Speed it up!

I agree.

My dad loves "Ancient Aliens."

He vehement is like,

"You know, like none of the pyramids were built by humans."

And I was like, "I dunno if that's true."

I think some of these structures

we've proved they can be built.

Sure.

Especially in Central America, Mexico.

I was like, "I think we proved it."

He goes, "No, all aliens."

And I said, "Think about that though, Dad.

If aliens came and built these structures

thousands of years ago

and they went to all these other countries and built these,

but they skipped coming to the United States,

this open, there's a lot of land,

there was a lot of land, and instead they were like,

'Wait till people get there, and then we'll come back there,

and we'll go to rural areas

and all we'll do is put stuff in their butt.'"

The same guy that built a stone in the sky was like,

"We're gonna probe these guys."

Maybe that was the previous ruler's thing was pyramids.

New generation. New generation.

Right. You know?

That's smokers versus vapers.

Smokers versus vapers, you talked about it.

The original aliens were builders,

and the new gen are butt people.

The older aliens are like,

"When we were your age, we were building pyramids.

All you guys do are stuffing people's assholes

in rural Nebraska."

"You just don't get us, Dad."

Talking about this whole rock being accelerated towards...

I got high this morning.

That makes sense. I'm sorry about that.

I got pretty high this morning.

How often do you think about death?

You know, I do say this phrase, my wife hates,

I say the phrase, "We're gonna die."

Yeah.

And I say it a lot, and she doesn't like it.

But what I'm saying is, in the broader sense,

when someone's like,

"Oh, man, do we really wanna go out later?"

And I'm like, "We're gonna die."

Yeah. Who cares?

Get it over with. Have fun.

If I'm taking off a couple of years

right now off the end of my life, do I wanna be 94?

I'd rather die in my 80s, if I even get to 80,

and I'll be stoked.

So we're gonna die. Eat the thing.

Smoke it, take it. Have fun, dude.

And we're definitely gonna

eat the thing and drink the thing today.

Yeah, and if I die today,

this will be a bummer that I just said that on camera.

And then they play this at my funeral.

Yep. Like look at it.

This was his disposition. This is what he wanted.

Well, In Memoriam will roll at the end of this video.

We're keeping monetization on, by the way.

Yeah, you have to. We gotta get paid.

Andrew, for the first course

of your final meal on earth, we have the Italian beef

with all the giardiniera on it, little bit of the gravy,

some sweet peppers, some hot peppers, from Portillo's.

We got the cheese fries from Portillo's.

And then we got the Coors Banquet,

the Coors Heavy, a beer of beers, truly.

You really sounded,

you sounded like you were preaching right there.

I feel like I'm preaching.

I was about to be like

when you did that, man, that was so good.

Portillo's was a staple as a kid.

Every time I go back home, it's the first meal that I get.

It's usually the last meal that I leave.

And Italian beef is such a specific thing to Chicago.

Like you can get Italian beef other places,

it's not the same. Yeah.

Cheese fries is just an obvious compliment

to putting cheese on everything the American way.

And then this, a Coors Banquet,

is just a good old-fashioned beer of beers.

Beer of beers. Cheers to beer of beers.

I just love it, man.

Wisdom is getting older

and realizing that the heavy version of light beers

are the best in the world.

By far. A hundred percent.

Yeah. Bud Heavy's better than Bud Light.

Miller Genuine Draft, on the other hand...

I think you're right on that one, the Miller Lite.

But only after Miller Lite changed to the white can.

I know they didn't change the actual beer

that went into the cans, but it tastes better

out of the white can instead of the blue one.

Oh-oh. Clip that.

No, no. Hey, not white.

No, he said white.

I like it better outta white cans,

if you ask me. I didn't say that.

I didn't say that at all. I don't like dark cans.

I've always preferred white cans.

It's the way that it reflects the light.

I think it keeps the beer fresher.

See how he can spin anything like that

into something negative, this guy?

And who am I referencing when I do that impression?

Of course, everybody knows...

President Joe Biden.

President Joe Biden. The current one.

All right, shall we? Dig into the beef, man.

Jump in, jump in. Oh, my God.

Hmm!

Hmmm!

Wow!

It's like genuinely a beautiful sandwich.

It is, right?

Are are there other Chicago food delicacies,

we're talking like deep-dish pizza,

Chicago dog, the pizza puff?

Deep-dish pizza, we almost never eat deep-dish.

Yeah?

This is a great lie that's been told by the media.

'Cause New Yorkers are always like, "We got the best pizza!"

And we're like, "Okay, and rats."

So slow down.

We do like deep-dish in Chicago,

but we eat it literally maybe once a year.

And you know when we usually eat it?

When you guys come into town. Oh, yeah.

When outsiders come in, they go,

"Can you take me to deep-dish?"

That's literally me, yeah.

Yeah, and we gotta go,

"Okay, take this moron to deep-dish."

I think this is unequivocally the number one.

You can get the chocolate milkshake at the Wiener Circle.

Yeah. Do people know what that is?

I feel like, no, you have to explain it to 'em.

I refuse to explain it to 'em.

So the Wiener Circle is on the north side of the city.

It's operated by big beautiful Black women.

And one of them in particular for years,

a long time, was very well endowed.

Very.

And you go in, and drunk college kids would come there,

and she was sick of yelling at these kids.

And a joke became that she would give you a chocolate shake,

which was her big, beautiful breasts

flopping back and forth.

And I'm realizing I don't know how to tell this story

without sounding crass. No, yeah, me neither.

It's gross.

But it's, yeah... But it's rad.

It's gross coming outta my mouth. It's a rad moment.

And also, a shout out to all tits.

I mean, I'll take any color of tits.

I don't care what color they are.

Yeah. Big tit guy. Big tit guy!

Are you actually?

Yeah.

I think tit guys have fallen out of fashion.

But the hope in your eyes really stands out.

Well, everybody likes butts now. That's like a big thing.

Sure. Sure. I like a nice butt,

but you still poop out of there.

You do poop out of it.

It is weird.

Poop doesn't come outta tits, dude.

"Poop doesn't come outta tits." Folks, he's running.

Please watch my new special on Disney Plus.

Speaking of your new special on Disney Plus,

I got a chance to watch it.

It was really hilarious,

but the thing that stood out to me was how good it was.

Like you were just freaking excellent, man.

You were like just,

oh, thank you, man.

Very nice of you. I really appreciate that.

You got a very soft beard. Is that beard oil?

Yeah, I did beard oil.

My wife does it, rubs it in the morning with her tits.

All right, that's enough.

That's wasting beard oil. Yeah, it really is.

But no, for real.

And I know you said that when you did your first special,

"Home Field Advantage,"

that you weren't exactly ready for it

and you went ahead and did it anyway.

Watching those back-to-back, like it's so apparent

how much you've grown and how ready you were this time.

I'm not upset I did it, in retrospect,

but it just wasn't what I was ready to do.

'Cause I'd done my Comedy Central half hour

and it would kind of shoehorn something new

that I wasn't prepared for.

But something that you learn in the business,

if we're being genuine, when you're young,

they will take advantage of you in a way

that you'll only find out when you're much older

that you'll go, "Man, I wish I had the balls

or something to go, I don't wanna do that."

Yeah. But you need the money.

You need the exposure, and it's so hard to say no.

So we needed the money. I needed to quit my job.

So I was like, I'll do whatever they need me to do.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

And I did some wild stuff, dude. I did some wild stuff.

But yeah, the new special, I was very proud of.

I shot it in Minneapolis.

I think it's such a great, underrated

comedy and entertainment city. Yeah.

My only issue I had was that my dumb agent, idiot,

booked me there to shoot my standup special

the same weekend that Gillis, Shane Gillis,

played the arena where the Timberwolves play,

and Kevin Hart played the Fieldhouse down the street.

So you're fired. That guy's fired.

That guy's an idiot. Yeah, yeah.

Shane was like,

"Oh, dude, that's crazy they did that, dude."

I was like, "Yeah, man."

Shane Gillis played where the Timberwolves play basketball,

and I played where they do "Bye-Bye Birdie."

You know what I mean?

Like I did a little, where they do "Rent."

That's where I played.

It was fun. It was a beautiful special.

I was happy to shoot it. I hope everybody enjoys it.

And if you don't, don't tell me.

That hurts when someone's like, "Dude, I love you man.

I didn't like your special. Can I take a picture?"

You're like, "You got it." Do people still hit you?

This one hit me like, like literally last week,

it was in Detroit, and this woman's like,

"I don't know who you are, but my friend said you're famous.

Can I have a picture?" Oh, that's the worst.

I was like, "Absolutely not."

And she was like, "You're a dick."

I was like, "Did you hear what you just said to me?

You said, 'I don't know who you are, but can I have...'"

it's like such an uncomfortable, weird,

but sometimes people just don't realize

what they're doing or saying.

Most people are really rad when they see me in public.

Most of the time it's at an airport and they yell up.

"I'm Bobby Mom."

I hear that a lot. Yeah.

Sometimes it's weird.

When I'm like sitting on a plane,

it's quiet. Yeah.

And what's that kid's name again?

That cute boy? Damien.

When like a Damien walks on the plane.

Yeah.

And he'll be on his phone and go, "Dude, I'm Bobby Mom!"

Would you say you fit into

the asshole with a heart of gold archetype?

I think like my heart is really good.

Yeah, I agree.

But I had a tough little shell.

When I was a kid, my biological father and my mom split.

He got in trouble. He had to go away for a while.

And I think that affected me as a kid, so I got tougher.

It was like, you gotta like buck up and do it.

And then, you know, I had red hair,

and there was all these factors against me.

It was like, no-dad redhead.

I mean a no-dad redhead, that's so sad, dude.

That's a sad little boy. Yeah.

It's a sad little boy.

So I built this tough exterior,

but inside I really did care. Yeah.

So it's kind of grown

into a little bit more softer version as I've gotten older.

Yeah, it really comes through in your comedy

in a way that I like genuinely, genuinely appreciate.

'Cause I think we need the assholes with a heart of gold

to be able to communicate certain ideas.

The hardest I laughed in "White Noise"

is when you're talking about your uncle complaining,

"Ain't no drag queen gonna read to my kids!"

That's right.

You know, you're not gonna read to your kids.

You're not gonna read to your kids either. Yeah.

Might as well let someone in a costume give it a try.

Like, obviously, it's hard, it's bitter, it's edged,

but also it's like with a heart of gold.

There's this kind of sweet softness to it.

I don't care about other people's lifestyles

the way that a lot of people do.

And I think I've always kind of felt that way.

Maybe because I was exposed to, as a kid,

my mom, when we lived in downtown Chicago,

my mom, most of her coworkers were gay men

and beautiful young women. Yeah.

So like I saw that a lot as a kid.

And I was used to different cultures.

So maybe I just was exposed early, so I didn't care.

Maybe I normalized it.

But now as an adult,

when I hear people criticize other cultures,

I'm just confused.

I just don't get it. I'm like, "What do you even care?"

Somebody's like,

"They're gonna let male cheerleaders in the NFL!

Ohh! Aargh!"

What's gonna happen? Yeah.

Some young gay kid's gonna have more fun now

watching football?

If he sees men running at each other. Fun.

Also, his idol dancing.

Let that kid celebrate, dude.

Just, I can't wrap my head around it.

You gotta let it go because we're gonna die.

We're gonna die! We're gonna die.

We're gonna die. Who cares man?

Let people have fun. Who gives a shit?

Take your dog for a walk, smoke a joint, and I promise you,

you will not care about male cheerleaders anymore.

The NFL's new implementation

of male cheerleaders will not bother you

when you're looking at your cute little dog.

And every two seconds she looks back like,

"Look at you, you're so stoned, dude."

And you're like, "Cut it out.

Will you shut up? Don't tell anybody."

Andrew, for course number two of your final meal,

we have the Filiberto's California burrito

with the french fries, the carne asada,

no pico, no tomatoes, guac, sour cream,

salsa roja, salsa verde on the side.

And then of course the Mexican Coke in a bottle

made with real cane sugar.

Real cane sugar.

Sorry. It's so healthy for you.

It's so healthy for you.

And I gotta tell you, this meal brings me back.

Like the way the Portillo's was my childhood

is the way that this was college for me.

So I went to college at Arizona State,

which is Harvard of the west.

We would eat this daily, and I mean daily.

And just looking at it reminds me

of exactly what it's gonna look like when it comes out.

Yeah, uh-huh.

It's massive that I put that in my body.

It's insane.

You cannot eat this from the end.

No, you cut it in half.

You must cut it in half, yeah.

Or do you do the thing where you just...?

No ripping is...

Shall we try to twist and rip?

You cut it, I'll twist and rip.

'Cause I'm pretty seasoned at this.

So it's just like one, two. Yeah.

That's pretty good.

You do this and then you kinda just get here.

You're gonna make me look like a dainty loser.

When you pour the hot sauce,

it gets into these little crevices in these little corners

that you don't get when you just eat it from the top.

Yeah. Yeah. Cheers to you.

Yeah.

Man. Oh, my God.

Talking about you being a caring individual,

I've heard you say

just some of the most atrocious things ever to Bobby Lee.

Yep. But also,

I didn't realize that the origin of "Bad Friends"

was you sort of pulling him out of a depressive relapse-

Uh-huh. from his dad dying.

Like that's asshole with a heart of gold archetype

like legend right there.

I play into this thing of me giving him shit

and goofing with him and talking him shit.

But with Bob, his dad died, and he relapsed.

It was a pretty awful time for us.

And I was filling in on his show.

We got him through that, and he said,

"You know, I appreciate your friendship."

'Cause I kind of was helping him

through this really tough time.

And he said, "When I get out,

I think we should start that show finally."

'Cause we had talked about it forever.

Yeah. And when he got out,

he was clean and happy and life was kinda like

really starting to move in a good direction.

We started the show, and then,

by the grace of God kind of, COVID.

Like thanks, China. It was rad.

Like everyone was at home

and everybody watched "Bad friends."

I mean, it was like, we literally started the show

and a few months later COVID hit,

and now people had nothing but time

to watch podcasts and consume.

Bob and I, yeah, that's my brother.

It's my literal brother. I love him so much.

He is as close to any family

as it would be without having physical blood.

Yeah.

And I've been in the business for 20 years.

It's the greatest job I've ever had in my entire life.

I feel the most blessed and grateful to have him as like my,

my brother, my comedy partner and confidante.

Yeah.

I love him so very, very much.

He's my little, my cute little dumpling.

My sweet little dumpling.

And you can't say that kind of stuff. I can.

No, I can't.

No, it's because the red hair actually gives him the pass.

I was gonna say, is hosting the podcast with him

a better job than working at Native New Yorker in Tempe?

I was surprised the wings did not end up on here.

They have a 2.4 rating on Yelp.

They're doing great right now.

I was a server, and we had 10 cent wing night.

10 cent wings.

That's too cheap for wings.

Can you imagine?

People would literally go, "Can I have one honey barbecue,

one mild, and two of the Szechaun Chinese spice, please?"

And I'm like, "Great!"

You have to order six at the minimum.

Then I started saying,

"Can we just make people do a dozen?"

It's 10 cents!

Throw them away if you don't want them.

But then people would get just six wings and an iced tea.

And my average tip,

I think back then was probably 80 cents, to a dollar.

So I was killing it.

So I needed Filiberto's to exist.

Yeah, that makes sense.

'Cause I could do five tables and get myself a burrito.

Thank God for Fili B's. God bless you, Fili B's.

Talk to me about the first time you had a panic attack

working at Native New Yorker.

God, it's so funny you know this stuff. This is gross.

I feel like I'm doing Do-do-da-loot-doot.

Doot-doot. You're Andrew Santino, we have to know.

That's so good. We have to know.

So I used to get these ocular migraines.

So in my left eye I would begin to lose vision.

And so I kind of like was like, "Man, what is that?"

So I had water, sat down, you know, whatever.

Told my boss I was like, "I gotta go on break for a second."

And then I sat in the break room and it got worse.

Well, little did I know, fluorescent lights

tend to trigger it and make it worse.

And that's Native New Yorker's key lighting package

was fluorescent. Makes the wings really pop.

Yeah, really glistens the mild sauce.

So I was getting this blindness in my left eye.

And when it completely encompassed

my entire vision outta my left side,

I had a severe panic attack so bad I went to the ER

because I thought I was going blind,

or my brain went into spiral like, "Am I having a stroke?

Am I dying?

Do I have a malfunction in my brain,

like something really wrong?"

And we went to the ER, and they checked me out,

and they couldn't find anything.

And after like doing, it felt like weeks of like CAT scans

and testing and all this stuff,

and blood tests and everything.

Finally one doctor was like, "Explain in detail about this."

So I did.

He's like, "Oh, this is just precursors to migraines."

They're ocular migraines.

This is oddly rare,

but some people get different precursors to migraines.

They know they're gonna get them.

Because of that, it really, really screwed me up

for a long, long time.

And those of you that have panic attacks,

my heart is with you, because it did a number on me

in a way I couldn't explain.

It does something to you where people are like,

"Come on, just cut it out."

And you're like, "Yeah, I'll just cut it out."

It's impending doom.

I think everything's gonna stop right now

and I'm gonna die and go blind.

And I think it's hard for people

to encompass what that feels like.

So I hated that. Thank you for bringing that up.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you so much.

No problem.

I bet the burritos get you, like...

No, yeah. This is good.

Thanks a lot, dude. This is great.

You said that for a while

you were embarrassed to tell others

that you really suffered with anxiety and panic attacks.

Is it because people just telling you to like,

"Oh, get over it?"

When you say you have anxiety or depression,

and I got both,

I think people automatically do this stupid game

where they're like, "Come on, man, snap out of it!"

Yeah. "Have you tried exercising?"

You know, it's the same phrasing as someone who's like,

"Pick yourself up on the bootstrap."

It's like, "Just pull yourself together."

Yeah. It's like, "Okay, dude."

I just know it debilitates you in a way

where you don't feel like yourself.

And there's a thing called depersonalization syndrome

where you physically feel like you're out of your body.

Yeah. And I lived that a lot.

That really messed me up when I was young.

I would feel like I'm watching myself walk through life.

And that sucks because you don't know how

to get back in your own body and feel normal.

Do you know what triggered that when you were young?

Was there any singular event?

I was afraid to admit that I wanted to do standup

and I told my parents a little bit that I was like,

I wanna do comedy, I wanna try this thing.

But I was so scared of like

what that future was gonna look like.

I think it really started to hit me hard

when I realized it was like, well, I have no money.

I'm moving across the country by myself.

I'm not a super bright guy.

I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for comedy.

It's the only thing I loved.

So I was like, "If this doesn't work out, like I'm,

I'm like actually, dude."

Thank God it did work out.

But I think that that fueled this anxiety

and this depression a lot

'cause I was scared of the drop off, you know?

There were nights that I'd sit on my mattress on the floor.

I used to live in a partitioned off dining room

in Culver City, and I would sit there and go,

"If I don't make rent, who could I rob?"

I thought about that.

I literally thought, "Who could I rob?"

And there was this sweet little woman

that owned a bakery in Culver City,

and I was like, "She won't fight back."

You know?

I wouldn't hurt her, I wouldn't actually hit her.

But I would be like, "Dude, just gimme the money.

You know what I mean? I can't pay my rent."

Did you think about like temping, you know?

I was gonna temporarily rob her.

Okay, gotcha. And then kinda give it back.

I would give it back once I got the money.

I guess it beats doing data entry, you know what I mean?

Just a temp thief, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Andrew, for course number three of your final meal,

we have the thinly-shaved mortadella,

a little bit of aged balsamic on there,

with the chunky Parmesan,

served with just a little bit of filone bread

and some salted butter.

And then we have the tonnarelli alla norcina

from Terroni over here.

A little bit of fresh-shaved black truffle on top.

And then the Caymus cabernet,

the finest that you were just chuckling at.

So the reason that I think this is funny to me is,

so I don't drink wine.

Yeah. We're gonna make you drink wine.

I'm gonna drink wine.

Well, how much was this?

Did you guys pay a lot of money for this?

Yeah, I think it was like 300 or something.

Yeah, no, an old white annoying guy at a restaurant

we were at with my wife was like,

"What do you mean you don't have Caymus?

How do you not have Caymus?"

And so it became like a thing for me of being like,

"What, do you not have Caymus around here?"

So I've never even had this.

So the bit to me was I gotta try it on this show.

So when I said to my wife when I typed it up, I was like,

"I'm gonna have Caymus on the show.

And they better have Caymus."

Let me pour you up there. So pour me a little bit.

Let me pour yours. That's the only way.

I didn't know anything about it

and I've literally never tasted it.

But I'm excited to see what he was all upset about.

Just say when. That's good.

Yep. I appreciate it.

Yeah, no, that's fine. That's fine.

Is this enough? I think that's good.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, can I get a Capri-Sun straw or like, Jesus Christ.

Cheers.

Can I have a sip from your glass

'cause that actually affects the way you taste the wine.

Now I'm a Caymus. Cheers.

That is pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty good.

I get it.

"What, do you not have Caymus?"

This, by the way, mortadella is my favorite

because it's like fancy baloney.

Yeah. Yeah.

Baloney, which I ate as a kid a lot, it's fine,

but you get tired of it. Yeah.

I could eat two, three pounds of it. Not get tired.

Do you know what mortadella is short for?

Mortadella

What is it short for? Mortadella di Bologna.

I know, right? It is baloney.

This is literally baloney,

and then we just imported it and made it way shittier.

But it's nicer baloney. It's way nicer.

Yeah, because our baloney's kinda dogshit.

But look, see,

'cause they have little pieces of pistachio in it.

And shout out, by the way,

my favorite little deli called Domingo's.

Have you had Domingo's?

Domingo's, shout out to those guys.

They're great. Yeah.

I think I like places where the people own it

instead of like, you know, Jersey Mike's or whatever.

No offense, Mike.

What's Domingo's way?

They spit on it if you're a cop.

Oh, it's so good.

Shaved Parmesan, you're not doing it right.

The only thing that should be shaved is this, black truff.

That has to be shaved.

I thought you were going way different

on the only thing that should be shaved.

No, when it comes to vaginas, I actually prefer a bush.

Yeah, but you're a full bush and a bikini kinda guy?

I like a bush guy.

Yeah, I think we should. Yeah, yeah.

'Cause I like a big bush.

As you've gotten older or it's sort of a...?

I always like bush. Yeah.

I keep a nice fluffy red bush, dude.

Yeah, yeah. You wanna see?

Yeah. Show me.

Call it Gavin Rossdale.

That is an incredibly red bush.

Yeah. That is, wow.

You said that you grew up with a lot of Catholic guilt

and you would flip a coin

every time you decided to masturbate.

This is so good.

Have you gotten over that?

In my mom's house, I remember every time I wanted

to jerk off, I had such riddled Catholic guilt.

I would, I'd flip a coin to determine if I would jerk off.

And I'd say heads yes, tails no.

And if I'd get tails I'd go,

"Best two out of three. I gotta do it again."

Now there's no more guilt. There's no more guilt.

Now I feel comfortable with it.

Although, Bobby and I got into this thing,

I'm trying to no porn.

Oh, wow. No porn for a little while.

It feels good, but people are like,

"Then what do you masturbate to

if you're not gonna look at stuff online?"

You savor things in the real world.

"Autotrader." Yes, dude.

I see like an air-cooled 997.

You know, if I see an air-cooled Porsche,

I'm always like, "I'm taking that to the bank."

I think there actually is something deeper though

to you like not watching porn,

because I think in society right now

everything has just gotten too good and too immediate.

You take it for granted.

How do I feel sexual energy from the world

instead of from the internet?

We don't need it from the internet.

Now, do I jerk off to this show? Yes.

Top three episodes to jerk off to.

I'll tell you mine, 'cause I do the same.

Tom Hanks, but I couldn't.

Yeah.

It's just when a boy's gotta...

Yeah, that can't be the first time anybody's said that.

Obviously, Joseph Gordon-Levitt was.

He's number one.

I keep going back to that guy. I shouldn't.

He's a very handsome man. I like you.

He's a handsome guy.

Why did I do that?

What was the question? I've lost my train of thought.

Are you only trying to like

expunge the sexual energy from the internet?

Or is it like trying to sort of wean yourself

off of addiction in general?

Because I think so many people are just addicted

to instant gratification in the same way

that you could be addicted to alcohol, drugs, whatever.

Hmm. Are you somebody

that tries to sort of like expunge

those addictions from your life?

No, it's more that I just know that it's like,

it's an unhealthy reality for a healthy sexual life.

I'm not criticizing people that enjoy it, I like porn too.

My point is, I got so accustomed to just being like,

I'll just throw it on and smack one out real fast.

Yeah, you're doing it out of obligations and stuff.

Yeah, and it kind of felt like rhythmic.

And I was like, what if I break it up a little bit

and try to knock without it?

Maybe it was just because I just,

I did this thing for a while called like 30 Days Without,

I think that's what it's called.

And it was like 30 days without booze,

30 days without meat, 30 days without.

I just tried different stuff.

And I was like, what if I do like

just without porn and see how I feel about it?

And I think I'm having,

we're having more fun in the bedroom without it.

I'm not saying don't do it.

I'm just saying I wanna try, challenge myself

to see if I can do it without it.

Will I be back? I'll be back, dude.

I'll be back. There's some good stuff.

There's some videos I miss.

I'm somebody,

That's insane, that's insane that you did that.

Can I just, can I top her?

Can I give her, this is actually very close to a drink

that Spanish teens drink called kalimotxo.

Oh yeah, kalimotxo.

Kalimotxo, it's basically that.

It's cola and red wine, and you made that.

How's that? Can I have a sip?

I can't make my own 'cause you filled this up.

This is so much better than what we just had.

That is way better than the original.

Yeah, no, you're actually right. I agree.

Wow. That's cool.

That's a great cooler. Pop a couple of ice cubes in there.

You said that one of your biggest fears in life

is stagnancy.

Do you think you're just kind of experimenting

with your own life in these various ways

just to keep it moving because standing still

is what lets the bad thoughts get in?

God, I like you, dude. I like you too.

You're good at this.

Appreciate that.

You're very good.

I think, yeah, stagnancy is one of my biggest fears.

The reason that is,

because a comic's trajectory can be scary.

That you're like,

you work really hard so people can know you.

Then you start to get people to know you.

Then you're like,

well, I better keep being as good and funny as I am,

as I age and progress through life,

so that you still retain your audience

and then get new young audience.

And that is, psychologically, it's weird.

It does something to you, 'cause you're like,

"I wanna stay in the know, but I also wanna be true to me."

And I feel like a lot of times,

people in our profession, we get stagnant.

You just get complacent, and you're making enough money,

you're doing fine, you kinda don't give a shit.

Yeah.

I think that's a dangerous place to be.

So, yes, part of that probably comes from the fact

that I just want to keep moving.

And also, on a serious note,

we don't have children, we can't have children.

And so that was a hard point in my life.

And I figured now that we've gotten through

that chunk of time of not being able to do that thing

that we thought we wanted, what is our life now?

Yeah.

So in an effort to like crack that,

we continue to try new shit, do new shit,

go to new places, do new things.

I think we're focusing harder now

on what the next stages of our life will be.

This sounds like I'm placating,

But a lot of it's like taking care of people

that I love or that are around me.

Like we're trying to build our company,

so we hire more people.

So I give people more jobs, and have more fun,

and, you know, get more young bloods

like old cutesy pie over there, you know, like.

Damian, you can go home early.

Get outta here.

Put your pants back on. That's insane.

That's insane. Come over here, man.

Look at this guy.

No, no. Don't touch me, weirdo.

Come right here. Come here.

Damien, you don't have to do anything that he asks

that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I need you to know that.

I love this guy. I don't know why.

I got a big crush on him.

Gimme another Caymus.

I'll work on it. I love you.

We did our will and it was so weird to do your living will

because they were like,

"Where do you want all your money to go if you die?"

And I was like, "Well, who needs it the most?"

And I was like, kids, like sick kids.

So all the money I've ever made

will go to Children's Hospital at some point.

No way. Yeah.

We're doing the Home Run Derby Special Olympics

December 6th at LA City College.

So please come out to that.

So that, yeah,

so to me that's my change of stagnancy

is like how much more fun can I have

with the success I've been given?

Because I'm not raising a family,

we can give to, this can be our family.

Damien can be my family.

Hey!

Damien can be my family.

We're trying, by way of,

we are making these people our family

and helping them grow their lives.

'Cause we've been blessed,

so why not move it to the next generation?

If you're not doing that, in my opinion,

if you're not helping the next generation,

if you're not doing that,

I think you're doing a grave disservice to yourself

and to the community as a whole.

Yeah, Damien, you're gonna have to choose

between us at the end of this episode.

I need you to know that. This is gonna happen.

Dame, come on!

Andrew, for the final course,

of your final meal on earth, we have the apple pie.

It's actually made with a little bit

of salted caramel inside.

And then the Old Rip Van Winkle 10-year-aged Bourbon.

Can I pour you up?

Please. And also, I've never had this.

I was at a restaurant and a man was like,

"What do you mean you don't have Old Rip?"

No, Buffalo Trace used to sponsor my podcast,

and they don't anymore.

But people kind of have their own opinions

over what's worth it or not.

It's because it's overpriced.

Typically people pay too much for it.

This was a thousand dollars, yeah.

And did I do that because there was no appearance fee?

Yeah, you know?

Dude, would we... I did.

In my opinion, I do think

this is one of my favorite overrated bourbons.

And it's also paired with the most classic dessert on earth

to me is apple pie and ice cream.

And this will forever be my standard of dessert.

It reminds me of my dad hitting me in the backyard.

Sorry, this is the biological dad or stepdad?

They both hit me. Yeah. Yeah.

But your biological dad wasn't around enough to hit you.

My stepdad hit harder. I will say that.

He was better at hitting, but it just reminds me

of like what I remembered having at my grandma's house

after any sort of family meal.

Yeah. And cheers to you.

And cheers you, man. And sip it slow.

I've loved this so much.

Look at me when you sip. Look at...

Christ!

You got a lot of nerve, dude.

You put Coke in the Caymus, asshole.

Coke in the Caymus.

There he goes. Jesus Christ.

Have you ever had that?

Have you ever had a little whiskey on your pie?

Should I do that? I'm drinking from your share.

Yeah, a hundred percent.

A little whiskey on your pie.

This does something to me though.

What's your favorite dessert?

Like, what makes you think of home and youth,

and what is it for you?

It would be taking a 32-ounce

thing of cookies and cream ice cream,

hollowing it out, pouring in frosted flakes, pouring milk.

Oh, you were a fat kid? Super fat kid.

Yeah, I was like a hundred pounds then, yeah.

When I saw you in the green room and I made that comment,

I go, "In shape guy."

I thought in my head, "Fat kid."

That's the first thought I had. I go, "Fat kid."

Don't we know that this guy was a fat kid?

You can see fat kids. You know what it was?

'Cause I know you, I've met you a hundred times before.

Yeah.

You're a really handsome guy.

You got a great head of lettuce.

Appreciate you.

And all this stuff was gonna work out.

You were ahead of the machine. You needed to slow down.

You got a nice pipe on you.

I can see it in these cargo pants.

I see why you got extra pockets.

I fluff between rounds, yeah.

I know. Well, you need extra space for that thing.

It's unbelievable, dude. It's breathing.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I know.

But I think, I used to be maybe a fat kid.

Because you're very good-looking.

You're well put together. You're confident.

Thank you. And you're intelligent.

And I've never met a kid who was fat

that was dumb when he gets older.

Most like fat kid disease things are very smart people,

and they let their brain get in their way,

which is why they eat away their feelings.

Yeah.

Now, I know a lot of skinny guys

that grew up to be morons, you know what I mean?

I'm an idiot.

And I think you embodied it in a way

where I knew you were, and I'm glad I was right.

But life is good.

You're married. You're hot. Life is good.

Thank you. You're successful.

Likewise. I could say all the same about you.

I'm not hot,

but I am successful. You are hot.

There are a lot of people that find you attractive.

Little ginge snatchers? I know that's a,

but like, actually yeah. A couple of ginge snatchers?

Actually, like for real, as,

I don't know what you prefer, like redheaded American.

I don't wanna use the G word.

Yeah, slow down. Be careful.

But I would not have thought

that that was actually a massive hindrance to growing up.

But it sounds like it really was for you.

Having red hair? I don't know.

Every redhead kid that I knew,

like other kids dealt with real racism.

Adults make fun of redheaded people.

We're like the only ones that people...

You're allowed to. I agree.

That's disgusting. I didn't even say the word.

I didn't say the G word. Say it.

I don't wanna. Say it.

Ginga. I'm not gonna say it with a hard R.

You get one.

The redheaded thing, I forget I have red hair

until somebody brings it up.

Yeah. But when I was a kid, yeah,

it was a way for kids to find a thing to be mean about.

They wanna find a thing to like hone in on

and then make you feel weird about it.

But my defense mechanism was I was funnier than them.

I was quicker than them.

So I just had the ability to just say something

even more mean to them.

It wasn't glaring.

My insults were never like you could see it.

It was always a thing about them.

And so then they were really mad.

So I got in a lot of fights when I was a kid.

I was kicked outta Moody Bible.

Shout out to Moody Bible in River North, Chicago.

And the woman was like, "Your son has a lot of anger."

And she's like, "He's just really proud of himself."

I just didn't like that people could make fun of you,

and then you make fun of them back,

and then they wanna fight you.

Yeah.

But then I couldn't wait to fight them.

I was like, "Let's do it. I'll fight you, that's fine."

You know what, this is funny,

I'll call back because of this.

This always brings up, like strikes things in my mind.

I hate The Eagles, but for some reason,

when I was having crazy panic attacks in college,

I heard that song, "Take It Easy."

And I hate that song, but I love that song

'cause it kind of helped me get

through my depression and anxiety.

'Cause when I would have panic attacks,

I kind of would hum that in my mind.

I don't know where I heard it.

Maybe it was probably at Native New Yorker

playing over the loop of seven songs.

Yeah.

But it did kinda help me out a little bit.

But the phrase is very simple in it's execution.

It means a lot. It's like, it's all good.

Like, take it easy, man.

It does feel daunting to everyone out there.

Whatever you're going through.

Take it easy. It's okay.

Like I know it's, and people are like,

"You don't even know the level that..." I know.

Yeah. But like, take it easy.

You'll work through it. I promise, it'll work.

I know it feels like it might not,

but like you will get there.

Whether you're depressed, whether you're anxious,

whether you're hurt,

whether you're going through something heavy.

like it will get there, I promise.

I know it sucks shit. Yeah.

But like, take it easy. It will get there.

And you've lost a fair amount of people

in your life to suicide before, right?

Yeah, suicide, drugs, overdose. Yeah, we've had a lot.

The diseases of despair, Like.

Yeah, we've had a lot of people

come and go, unfortunately that, you know?

I've had a couple of friends

that took their own life when I was a kid.

More than I'd like to say numbers wise.

But yeah, that sucks.

And then adult friends that took their own life.

It's tough and it's hard to get through.

I think it's really hard to understand

what people are going through when they're going through it.

So give people a little bit more grace perhaps,

a little bit more grace, a little bit more empathy helps.

I think it does work out.

I think if you try to surround yourself

with people that really love you, that get you,

even when times are shitty,

things will all kind of level themselves out.

I do believe that. Yeah.

You know? Cheers.

I think you have to, man. Cheers.

Cheers.

Traditionally we ask every guest,

what do you think happens when you die?

What do I think happens when you die?

Yeah. I'm interested in both, for context.

Well, when you die,

we're gonna reach social consciousness

and everyone's gonna be happy.

No, I do believe

that your energy as you put it together on earth

will be redispersed into something else.

I'd like to think if I put enough good energy into the world

and did enough good for people that I love

and people around me and tried to work hard

in being a good person, or doing the right thing,

or whatever you want to call it,

or like trying to make people feel good.

Make people feel good.

It's so funny that you get angrier and more agitated

every time you talk about yourself helping people

or making people feel good.

Yeah, yeah. It's annoying.

Yeah, well it's just 'cause like,

I'm trying to explain in a way that I'm annoying myself.

Whatever energy I put out into the universe

to try to make other people feel good,

whether it's might be doing standup,

I do love making people feel good.

It's my favorite thing in the world is making a room laugh.

I hope that's redistributed in something else.

I believe energy stays, and it takes shape.

And we know it does.

I mean, we know your energy does transfer.

So I'm just hoping that when I'm dead,

and they're burning this old red bag of bones,

I hope that the energy I dispersed while I was alive

was put positively towards other wonderful shit.

I don't wanna be in the ground, I wanna be burned,

or I wanna be, you know, biodegradable.

Make me easy for the earth to eat. Repurpose me.

My grandfather, who was way ahead of his time,

he always said that, my grandfather, my poppy,

who was like my hero, my comedy hero, who I loved so much,

he used to say, "Cemeteries are absolute bullshit."

And he would say, "Land is for the living."

And I believe that. Land is for the living, dude.

Don't take up space. You're dead, get outta here.

Flush your ashes down a urinal at Wrigley, man.

Piss me down a urinal at Wrigley.

Sprinkle and pee on me and let me ride, baby.

Gladly. Let me ride.

Andrew, are you ready to get

to the Jeppson's Malort lightning round?

Oh, my God! Bring out the Malort.

Bring it in.

Get in here, you cutie pie.

They're not a sponsor yet, but we're hoping they are.

Get outta here, dude. Stop flirting with me, dude.

I'm so sick of that guy flirting with me, man.

For people that don't know, he did not ask for Malort.

But this is the official liquor of Chicagoans.

It tastes like what?

Like bleach, gasoline, battery acid,

and a little bit of wormwood?

And one big fart.

And by the way, for people that don't know,

we give this to people as a bit.

It's a bit in Chicago.

If you come and take a shot,

if you're an out of town hardhead, people in Chicago,

we're like, "Dude, let get you a shot."

And this is a great bit.

Are we ripping the shot before?

You tell me. Whatever's standard, I dunno.

Yeah, well, traditionally,

when we do the Malort lightning round,

we just drink a shot before

and then at the end. Slainte!

Like a dementor sucked my soul out my asshole.

"Who's the one person dead or alive

you'd want to share your actual last meal with?"

Norm McDonald would be amazing.

Oh, yeah.

"What song do you wanna be played at your funeral?"

"Mama, I'm Coming Home," Black Sabbath.

"What's the one "Punk'd" prank

you're gonna remember on your deathbed?"

When we made Justin Bieber set off fireworks

with Taylor Swift and thinks she lit a wedding on fire,

and I was the groom, and we swam to shore,

and I yelled in Taylor Swift's face,

"You ruined my wedding. You ruined my wedding, Taylor Swift.

I will not get married because of Taylor Swift."

And she took it to heart.

Dude, it was like emotional

how much she believed she ruined a wedding.

And I think she wrote an album about it

and made a billion dollars.

I was gonna say,

now that you're friends with Travis Kelce,

have you gotten to tell her that to her face?

She knows the story.

Yeah, she does. Oh, like she remembers it?

Well, she does

'cause it traumatized her, I think, in a very bad way.

Yeah, she remembers the story.

And she's not stoked about it.

At least you didn't do anything bad on "Punk'd."

That's right.

"Who's your dream eulogizer at your funeral?"

Gilbert Gottfried. "He died a great man."

I would've loved to have, I mean, I knew him.

I met him quickly when he was alive. He was the man.

"Who's the one person on your bucket list

that you'd wanna golf with?"

Larry David. A hundred percent.

There's no doubt in my mind.

I did a little episode of "Curb"

and I wanna golf with him so bad.

The next question is,

"How much would you pay for a piss cube?"

I think when we engineered and framed it out,

I think we said it would cost $2,200.

That was gonna be the bit, yeah.

And I would put a piss cube in my house.

Oh, a hundred percent.

Where it would go, boop, boop, boop, "Penis detected."

Woo-woo, and slide.

I would love a thing to move

depending on the size of your penis.

And that's when you can see Larry David

break in that episode.

God, it was great. It was a great moment.

"What's your biggest fear?" Complacency.

"What Harry Potter house are you?"

I'm a Slytherin, for sure. A hundred percent.

What do you think I am?

Got that right. Definitely a Slytherin.

A Slytherin. What are you?

I was making a call back to you especially

to talk about "Harry Potter." Yeah, I know.

No, what do you think I am? Because I'm a cusper for sure.

I would say you're a Gryffindor.

No way. Yes you are.

Those goody-two-shoes mothers? No way, dude.

Did you see?

I'm either the smartest Hufflepuff...

He cussed right there just to amp it up.

Yeah, he's right. He's right.

That's exactly what a Gryffindor would do.

He's right. He's so right.

I'm not like those dorks.

Okay, Gryffindor.

"What's your greatest regret in life?"

My biggest regret in life is not starting sooner.

And I mean that for everything.

I mean that for everybody who's young. Go, just do it.

Don't wait. And I'm encompassing many things.

Young hearts be free tonight, dude.

Young turks, just try it. Yeah.

Yeah. That's right, my man.

Finally, Andrew, "Are you happy?"

I am very happy, yeah. I feel very happy today.

It could be this. Could be this.

Could be some of that.

I am very happy.

I think I said it before, but I am very happy.

I feel so grateful.

And I'll be really grateful if you watch my special on Hulu,

"White Noise" on September 12th.

But this will be out. It'll be out.

Just go watch it right now.

It'll be out. I'm happy.

I am grateful. I'm blessed.

I'm very grateful and blessed that I did watch your special.

It is great.

If you wanna deliver your last words

to that camera right there.

My last words.

What's your name again, you -head?

Damian.

Free Damian.

Free Damian.

Everyone, check out "White Noise" on Hulu.

It's on Hulu. That's a Disney...?

It's on Hulu. It's on Hulu.

Maybe it's on Disney Plus by now.

Who knows where the mouse moved it around.

"Uh-ho, it's over here!"

I don't know where they did it, but it's on Hulu.

"White Noise" is available. Go watch that right now.

Come see me live. Come have fun with me.

Life is short. You're gonna die.

And see, he's performing at the halftime show

of a burlesque show down on the Queen Mary.

Everyone, get your ass down there.

Dude! One more for him.

Doo-doot-a-loot-doot! Doot-doot!

Check out our "Last Meals" hat and more

over at Mythical.com.

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
guest /ɡɛst/ A1	noun - a person who is invited to visit or attend an event
actor /ˈæktər/ A1	noun - a person who acts in a play, movie, or show
comedian /ˌkɑːməˈdiːən/ A2	noun - a person who entertains by making jokes
podcaster /ˈpɒdkæstər/ B1	noun - a person who creates and hosts podcasts
recognize /ˈrɛkəɡnaɪz/ A2	verb - to identify someone or something from previous knowledge
special /ˈspɛʃəl/ A1	adjective - better or more important than others
gymnast /ˈdʒɪmnæst/ B1	noun - a person who performs gymnastics
hopeful /ˈhoʊpfəl/ A2	adjective - feeling or showing hope
tutelage /ˈtjuːtəlɪdʒ/ C1	noun - guidance or instruction
controversial /ˌkɒntrəˈvɜːrʃəl/ B2	adjective - causing disagreement or argument
abusive /əˈbjuːsɪv/ B1	adjective - using insulting or offensive language
refuse /rɪˈfjuːz/ A2	verb - to decline to do something
modern /ˈmɒdən/ A2	adjective - relating to the present or recent times
steroids /ˈstɪərɔɪdz/ B1	noun - a type of hormone used to enhance performance
opposite /ˈɒpəzɪt/ A2	adjective - completely different
destroy /dɪˈstrɔɪ/ A2	verb - to damage something so badly that it no longer exists
ruin /ˈruːɪn/ B1	verb - to severely harm or damage something
athlete /ˈæθliːt/ A2	noun - a person who is proficient in sports
cereal /ˈsɪəriəl/ A1	noun - a food made from grain, often eaten for breakfast
convulsive /kənˈvʌlsɪv/ C1	adjective - relating to sudden, violent movements